Affliction
by Doodle19
Summary: Everybody has problems and everbody chooses to deal with them in their own way. So when the world around Rachel and the walls she put up come crashing down, how will she deal? And will anybody be there to help her survive? Rating subject to change.
1. Issues

Chapter 1: Issues

Rachel Berry… The eternal embodiment of all things show business. Her façade masked everything from the world. Her show smile fit for a Broadway diva hid every ounce of insecurity and pain she ever felt, but keeping up appearances can be tiring, and keeping everything in was wearing on her. There was only so much she could do to project happiness and perfection to a world that loved to remind her of her flaws. Underneath the picture perfect smile and kid like attire, there was nothing more than a normal girl struggling to find her way dealing with issues in a not so normal way.

There she stood, the first day of junior year, just staring at her awful reflection in the locker mirror. Why she added a mirror was beyond her. She didn't need to see anymore of her pitiful self than she saw already, yet she added it anyway. Maybe it stood to be a reminder of what she needed to do, why she kept doing it, and why she had to keep it to herself. It wasn't anyone's business. And there she remained, staring into the dead eyes that looked back at her, throwing insults to her own reflection. "Ugly." "Untalented." "Disgraceful." "Disgusting." "Man Hands." "Fat." These and more all crossed her mind over and over. Not one good thing was said to herself. There was nothing good to say. Her self-berating and self hatred was cut short when she felt a hand on her shoulder that made her jump right from her thoughts.

"Whoa, Diva. It's just me." Kurt said as he threw his hands up in a playful surrender. Rachel took one more look in the mirror before turning around and flashing that 1000 watt smile. As fake as it was, no one would ever see the difference. No one would care enough to try.

"Sorry. You just surprised me." As skeptical as he was, the excuse was believable, and Kurt accepted her answer. So, instead of pressing it, he locked her arm in his.

"Grab your books. It's time for class." Together they made their way to class. Not even halfway there, and the trouble approached in the form of McKinley High's jerk squad of jocks. Releasing Kurt from her grip, Rachel started to walk a little faster. Kurt followed her lead trailing right behind her. Both were just hoping that neither would get hit by the dreaded slushy as each held one of a different hue. Hopes and dreams were dashed as the group spotted them and instantaneously made their way over. Before Rachel could do anything to lessen the blow, slushies seemed to be coming from every direction.

After the shock of the initial blow wore off, her eyes started stinging. She brushed as much off as possible as she listened to the parade of laughter passing around her and the soft groans of Kurt behind her. Eventually, Kurt, who was much better off than she was, grabbed her hand and dragged her into the nearest ladies' room locking the door behind them. Luckily, they were the only ones there.

Immediately, both went straight to the sinks to wash their faces and get whatever they could out of their hair. Rachel could taste the artificial liquid go down her throat, the calories adding up. She knew she had to do something about it, expel it before it added any more fat to her already pudgy body. When she looked up from the sink, her face finally visible again, she turned to Kurt. He was just about cleaned up, just needed to change his shirt. She needed clothes too, but she also needed a little alone time in the bathroom.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah Rachel?" He looked over to her, still finishing retouching his hair.

"Can you get my clothes from my locker? I mean if you're going to get yours, could you maybe get mine too?" Kurt put his hand on Rachel's shoulder as a sign of comfort, but also wiped some of the multicolored shaved ice off of her shirt.

"Sure Rachel."

"Thanks." With a nod of his head, Kurt exited the bathroom. Quickly, Rachel locked it once again and made her way to a stall. She didn't waste any time. With each passing second she could feel the particles breaking down adding calorie after calorie to her body. She had to get rid of it. Crouching down in front of the toilet, she stuck her finger down her throat, gagging until everything was purged. With the minute contents of her stomach gone, a sense of calm swept over her taking away some of the day's anxiety. She felt better, but the feeling was still there. She still wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't talented enough, just wasn't enough. She deserved to be slushied. She deserved to be called names. She just had to remember that when the actually bullying was happening. She deserved it, she deserved it all.

Rachel took a moment to compose herself, wipe away the tears that were welling in her eyes, before going to the sink. After rinsing off her face, she pulled a bottle of mouth wash from her bag. It was necessary to keep her secret just that, a secret. As she was swooshing the wash around her mouth, a knock came from the door. A part of her was afraid to open it. Who knew what kind of torture stood on the other side of that wooden slab?

"Rachel, unlock the door." Her tense body relaxed upon hearing his voice. So, after spitting out the mouth wash and wiping her mouth, she made her way to the door to let him in.

"Sorry, I didn't want anyone coming in."

"It's ok. Here." Passing Rachel her bag, Kurt entered and locked the door. He too had to get changed and while he could get ridiculed for it, he was going to change in the girls' bathroom. Luckily though, the warning bell for class already rang, so the hallways were pretty empty and no one would see him.

"Thanks Kurt." Rachel disappeared into a stall coming out a few minutes later freshly clothed. Kurt did the same. The second bell telling students class had officially started went off with Rachel and Kurt still recovering from the slushy bomb. Wet haired and uncomfortable, Rachel entered her first period class; the only class she didn't have with any of the other glee kids. All eyes were on her as the teacher stopped talking and faced her.

"You're late." It was a very matter of fact statement devoid of any and all emotions. Apparently she couldn't be bothered enough to care. It was good for Rachel though.

"I know, I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again." Quickly, as if trying to hide from the incessant gawking, Rachel made her way to the open seat by the window. For the entire class period she basically just stared out of the window. She caught bits and pieces of the speech, but not much. "Homework and assignments are to be handed in on time, no exception." "School rules apply in the classroom." Blah. Blah. Blah. The only thing she really heard was her own voice in her head. She planned out exactly what she'd have for lunch, how much time she'd have to do on the elliptical to burn that and more, and every other aspect of the day she could somehow micro manage. She just kept thinking that the day just started and it already sucked. That wasn't such a good omen for the year, let alone the day.

During her mental planning, what she missed the teacher say was that she was only going to be here for about two weeks. Apparently Mrs. Jenson was moving away and agreed to stay until they could find a replacement. The school finally found a replacement who would be arriving in two weeks time. Fun. Rachel didn't think much of it. As long as the teacher wasn't another Sue Sylvester, everything would be just fine. Little did she know.

The next few classes went pretty much the same way. The teachers spouted off the rules and expectations, some went over a class syllabus. It was just a bunch of first day of school nonsense that Rachel did her best to pay attention to. But she was too preoccupied. Her show smile wasn't keeping her together. She seemed to be dreading each and every second more and more. By lunch, all she wanted to do was go home. She contemplated it for a while, but it was the first day. What kind of precedent would that be setting?

"Hey Rachel, I saved you a seat. Come to the table after you get your lunch." The flamboyant boy lacked no enthusiasm. His day must've taken a turn for the better. Good for him. Her day sucked; at least someone should be happy. After buying a lunch that she wasn't planning on eating, she made her way to the glee full table. Mercedes, Puck, Santana, Brittany… Basically, the entire gang was there, even Finn.

"Hey Rachel." Finn said obviously trying to break the tension. They hadn't spoken since their breakup before summer. This was their first encounter since then. Awkward would be an understatement.

"Hi Finn." The words came out rather bashfully, not at all like Rachel Berry. For a few moments the two just stared at each other, neither knowing just what to do next. Everyone else stared at them in silence. That is until Santana got fed up.

"Come on Man Hands. Take a seat. No one wants to look at your ugly face anymore." The words just reinforced what Rachel already knew. So, instead of responding, Rachel smiled a little faker and made her way next to Kurt.

"First glee club meeting after school today. Who's excited?"

In true Berry fashion, Rachel just had to go on about songs and dance numbers. It was the only thing all day that even added a little spark to her personality. "We definitely need a great solo number this year. If we stand any chance of winning, everything has to be flawless."

"Don't assume that solo automatically goes to you Diva." Added Mercedes.

"Of course not Mercedes. The solo should go to the best vocalist, and while I'm confident that is me, you are more than welcome to attempt to prove me wrong."

"Did she just say she was better than me?" Mercedes asked the table. That wasn't what she was saying. Mercedes was good, but Rachel knew how to play to a crowd. Apparently though, the table, or at least the Cheerios at the table, nodded at Mercedes. "Oh hell no. I don't care if it's the first day. We can do this Man Hands." Her hands flew up to a boxing position, but she never left her seat. Rachel's day really wasn't going her way.

By the end of lunch Rachel realized the argument and the talking all distracted her enough that she ate the entire plate. She planned on eating a bite here and there, definitely not the whole plate. She felt the pounds of fat adding to her body. She wanted to scream. How could she do that? It was going to take hours to burn that off. There weren't enough hours in the day to make up for her mistake. Panic set in and she knew what she had to do. She wasn't planning on doing that again today. Doing it at school was risky, but it had to be done.

"I'll see you in class." Rachel stated abruptly, disrupting the ongoing conversations.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to run to my locker. I think I forgot something there, but I'll see you and Puck in class. Ok?" Without waiting for an answer, and with a smile still plastered on her face, she quickly put the tray in its proper place and rushed to the bathroom. She chose one she knew would be empty at that point in the day, but the extra steps made her continually anxious. With each step more digested, more calories were absorbed, and more fat added to her body. It just sat in her stomach like a parasite ready to attack. She needed it out of her. All of it needed to be gone.

Almost forgetting to check the stalls for other people… almost, but not… Rachel followed her routine and released herself of her gluttony. Food was a benefit she did not deserve. Her body didn't need it. Her body didn't want it. Her food journal was going to have more writing in it that night than it had in a while. She knew her issues were getting worse, but she didn't care. Everything she did was necessary and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.

**Ok, so this is my first glee story. I apologize for any mistakes. If people like it, I'll write more. All input is welcome. So please review and remember constructive criticism and suggestions are appreciated.**


	2. Unexpected Arrivals

**NOTE: I made an error in show accuracy that someone pointed out to me. While in the show it said Rachel didn't have a pharyngeal (gag) reflex, we'll just say that it takes more of a push to make her gag. People who make themselves throw up, whether it be from an eating disorder or for whatever reason, do so by forcing a gag reflex and inducing vomiting. So having one naturally and forcing one doesn't necessarily go hand in hand. Either way, there's gagging involved. **

Chapter 2: Unexpected Arrivals

The first two weeks of school felt like pure torture. Slushy facials became a frequent event. It wasn't every day, mostly because she avoided most of the jocks like the plague, but at the end of the week she usually brought home at least two or three days' worth of slushy stains. And the name calling was persistent; she even got some new ones to add to the already long list. But she had the best medicine. Rachel could forget about everything when she did it. She'd run at least two miles every day, spend an hour on the elliptical, push herself as hard as she could in each dance class, and even work on the new glee routines over and over until she was too exhausted to even breathe. And even then, she'd try to push herself even more, but it still wasn't enough. Nothing was enough.

Every morning and every night she would weigh herself, noting each and every fluctuation in her mass. In between homework assignments and exercise she'd log every calorie consumed and every calorie expelled. Nothing went undocumented. From her exercise to her food to her thoughts, everything is written down. Journal after journal lay collected like a shrine in memorial of all the bad, and on rare occasion good, things in her life. Whenever she questioned her motives, whenever she asked why she was doing this, she went into that box, the purple box with music notes all around it, and reminded herself exactly why it needed to be done.

Things in her mind were worse than the world portrayed. Even compliments seemed to be laced with venom in her psyche. A simple, "Great work Rachel" or "Wow that note was flawless" didn't seem to mean much anymore. Instead it would mean it had to be better next time. What she heard in her head was completely different from what was said. All she could hear was, "You have to do better Rachel." "What was that Rachel?" "Why are you such a failure Rachel?" Nothing good went on in that over worked space she called a mind.

Then the faithful day came where everything just seemed to be too much. From start to finish, that specific school day sucked more than the days that it followed. She was up one pound when she weighed herself that morning. One pound! She was watching what she ate, exercising every minute she could, she was doing everything right, so how could she have gained weight? It didn't make sense to her. Nothing really did any more. But then she spent so much time worrying about the single pound that she was running late. Then she realized she forgot to do laundry the night before, so instead of her normal, what other people would call eccentric or weird, attire, she had to settle for jeans, a nice shirt, and a hoodie. She felt odd, a little uncomfortable. Her style was her comfort. As weird as it was, it was her. In those clothes she was out of her comfort zone, no security blanket. She was barely able to make it into the building before the warning bell sounded. So suffice to say, the day was off to a rocky start.

There was no time to meet up with any of her "friends" or anything. She just went straight to class. The only good thing about that class was that it was sure to be interesting. Puck transferred into it and with a new teacher, he was sure to cause a scene, maybe harass them a little. But that's not what happened. She and Puck sat in the back of the class, waiting for the new teacher to come. Her tardiness wasn't exactly a good start, but it meant she wouldn't be in trouble for being a whole thirty seconds late either. Then, the new teacher had arrived.

Things went downhill from there. At first, Rachel was too busy journaling, writing down everything that was in her head while avoiding the stares and gawking aimed at her for her new attire, to notice. The distinct clicking of the heels against the linoleum flooring should have tipped her off, but she was too busy to pay it any mind. The second sign of something going down was Puck's unusual silence. The whole room actually became quiet when the clicking stopped. Again, she didn't care enough to even look.

"Rachel." She heard Noah say with some urgency in his voice. "Rachel." This time it was a little louder, and the slight vexation in his voice made it seem like it wasn't the first, or second, time he called her name.

So without even a tiny glance in his direction, or any direction other than down and at her journal, Rachel said, "What is it Noah? Is there something you would like to ask me?" Said in true Berry fashion.

And then she heard it. That voice couldn't be mistaken for any other. "Hello students. My name is Ms. Corcoran. I'm the new English teacher." That's when Rachel finally looked up and acknowledged the world around her. Nothing else would do it, but that did. What was she doing there? Why was she here? Better yet, why'd she have t come back at all? So many questions went through Rachel's mind that it was hard to process everything. She had to wonder, though, whether or not her mother knew she'd be in her class. If she did, that was just cruel. "Ok, so I'm going to do attendance, and then I'll explain some of my rules and expectations." Shelby had yet to see a shocked Rachel, who was easily hidden by the massive jock sitting in front of her.

One by one, the names were called. Shelby decided to go in reverse alphabetical, so Rachel was one of the last to be called. "Brown." She called receiving a "here" in return, and then it was her turn. "Ber-ry." The name didn't come out as flawlessly as the others. Apparently Shelby didn't know her own daughter would be in her class. But when she heard Rachel's quiet voice letting her know that she was indeed present, she had to see her; she needed to see her reaction. Shelby looked around the classroom finally spotting her daughter

Rachel didn't dare look at her. She gave the first glance when the voice was heard, but as soon as the shock wore off, she just went back to her writing. She knew if she tried anything else, she'd probably end up screaming. She didn't want her there. She didn't want to deal with her. She had enough going on in her life without her birth mother, not mom, making a sudden appearance. She needed out of that class and soon. But no one could see her pain. No one could know what she was feeling or the urges she had. She wouldn't allow it. There came the plastered fake smile, only half lit. That was all she could do to mask everything else she was feeling.

In mutual ignorance and avoidance, basically pretending none of it was happening, Shelby went on with her lesson, and Rachel did her best to pay attention. She got the gist of it, behave or else, do your work or else, do what she says or else. But seeing her mom, her Shelby, brought back a lot of feelings she worked so hard to suppress. Every now and then she could feel her eyes burning her, telling her she wasn't her mother, that she'd never be a part of her life. But there she was, in the flesh. The mother she always wanted was there, teaching her class, taunting her, reminding her that she'd never know her and why.

An entire page of her journal was filled in that class. On it was written everything she thought Shelby would agree Rachel was. Rachel is nothing. That was written boldly all over the page along with many other self deprecating phrases… nothing too kind, nothing not fitting, but definitely something not suited for other's eyes. That entire journal was something not fit for human consumption; her eyes only.

When class was over, Rachel was just itching to get out. She could've sworn she heard Shelby call her name, but she didn't want to hear it. Everything was fine. She was fine. She really wasn't, but she really tried to convince herself and everyone else that she was. So she did the only thing she could, ignore it and go on about her day like nothing ever happened.

Throughout the day, things pretty much stayed the same. People commented on her wardrobe, and while most of them were backhanded comments like Santana's "Wow Man Hands, you're not dressed like an overgrown child," there was also the lack of comment from the idiots that normally tormented her with slushies and slurs. Maybe they didn't recognize her. Maybe she'd have to dress like that more often.

She was also trying to avoid Puck all day. Apparently, he wanted to talk about Shelby's return. It was hard on him too, seeing that she was raising his daughter; Rachel's perfect little replacement. Rachel couldn't help but resent that little girl. She was jealous of Beth, and it made her hate herself more. Needless to say, she was ignoring Noah. She didn't want to deal with that, no matter how pure his intentions were. He just wanted to make sure she was okay, and she was being a complete bitch. That was just another reason why Rachel Berry was unworthy of anything good.

Lunch rolled around and she just wasn't in the mood to see all her glee mates. She decided to skip it. Food was definitely something she should avoid, so instead of the cafeteria, she headed to the auditorium. That seemed to be her go to place for solace. She felt safe there. But as she sat there at the piano, just staring at the keys, she couldn't bring herself to care. She couldn't play, she couldn't sing, she could only think. And thinking never led anywhere good.

The entire lunch period was spent in silence, no talking, no moving, definitely no eating. It was absolutely not productive, but the catatonia came with a numbness that pushed all bad and good thoughts alike out of her mind. It was a nice change. But it was short lived. Before she knew it, the bell was ringing and it was time for class. Back to the real world full of hate and pain. How exciting?

The rest of the day was spent fielding questions about Shelby from Kurt and a few other glee kids that cared enough to speak with her. She basically told them everything was fine and they'd talk later in glee, another thing she wasn't looking forward to that day. When she wasn't bombarded with questions, she went out of her way to avoid anywhere she thought Shelby might be. She was in the English wing, so instead of going through that hall to get to her locker, she went all the way around school and circled back. It was a hassle, but the extra distance made her have to walk faster to get to class on time, and thus, she burned more calories. At least there was an upside.

In her last class of the day, she received another blow. Science papers were being passed back. It was the first formal assignment of the year, and Rachel worked on it for hours, days even. She wanted t to be perfect and she actually thought she'd do really well. And by most standards, she did do well. But when the teacher passed her the paper and she saw the big red B- on the top right hand corner of the page, she wanted to cry. Rachel didn't get Bs let alone B-s. How much more of a failure could she be? The school day just sucked, but she only had to get through glee and she'd be home.

When glee finally came around, she wasn't excited. There was no rush to get to the glee room. Mr. Schuester probably wasn't even there yet, so she'd take her time. If she didn't think it would raise so many questions and lead to some unwanted home visitors, Rachel would've skipped glee. But as it stood, skipping would raise some suspicion and she wanted to give off the vibe of perfection. Everything in her world was pure perfection… on the outside. But when she followed Mr. Schue into the room, everyone fell silent and stared.

The silence was short lived, however. Questions were spewed from every single mouth in the room. The commotion made it almost impossible to understand anyone. It was all just a jumbled mess… kind of like her mind. It was one big mess.

"Did you know she was coming here Man Hands?" Santa yelled louder than the other chatter so Rachel could hear.

"Why didn't you warn us?"

"I don't want her here." Quinn stated. She had just as good a reason to want Shelby out as Rachel did.

"Who are you all talking about?" Brittany asked with her childlike innocence shining through. She really was oblivious sometimes. Everyone looked at her like she was crazy for not knowing what was going on, and she just returned the look waiting for someone to answer. Finally Santana did.

"We're talking about Ms. Corcoran B. You know? Rachel's mom."

"She's not my mom." Rachel snapped bringing all the attention back to her. It was a rash move she instantly regretted. Mr. Schue could see that, whether or not she admitted it, Shelby's presence was causing problems for Rachel. He could also see how uncomfortable she became when everyone expected all these answers and it seemed like everyone was waiting for her to fall apart. Rachel refused to give them that. She was strong. Breaking down was weak.

Mr. Schue put an end to everyone's conversation. "That's enough." He said and Rachel took it as an opportunity to take a seat, a secluded seat at the left corner of the last row. Then Will turned to Rachel, and without accusation simply asked, "Rachel, did you know Ms. Corcoran was coming?"

"No." That was the only answer she could give. What more did they want from her? "I was just as surprised as everyone else."

"Are you okay with your mother…" He immediately took that back. He didn't want her to snap again. "Are you ok with her being here?"

"It's her life; she gets to live it wherever and however she wants. I'm not a part of that life and that's her loss." Her words seemed strong and confident, but she wanted nothing more than to break down. She just wanted to run home, binge on anything and everything, and then purge it all away like she was instantly releasing all her problems. If only it was that easy.

"Ok then." Mr. Schue addressed the class. "Now that we asked Rachel all that we needed to know, can we get to this week's assignment?"

At some point, Will actually gave an assignment and the Shelby talk started up again, but Rachel just tried to remain indifferent. She was just counting down the minutes, watching the clock until it was time to go home. And when that faithful moment came, she was out of there so fast, people barely noticed her leave. Then again, people barely noticed her unless it was torment Rachel time.

Forgoing a ride, Rachel decided to walk. The exercise would help clear her mind. As soon as she got home, she did exactly what she wanted to do in glee. She dropped her bag by the door, ran to the kitchen and stuffed her face with her problems. Once nothing else could be eaten and her jaw was too tired to chew, she ran to the bathroom. Nothing could be absorbed. And like she wished she could do with her other problems, she expelled every last morsel from her body and went straight to the elliptical. She'd need a long work out to make up for that. She needed it because she needed to feel the pain of her muscles aching. She deserved the pain.

"Tomorrow," she thought while in her second hour on the machine. "Tomorrow will be better." And tomorrow, she had decided, she'd try to change her schedule. She didn't want to be in Shelby's class anymore than Shelby wanted her in it. Tomorrow she'd fix one of her problems.

At the end of the night, her dads were away. Away like they were always away, leaving her free to do her nightly ritual. She'd journal for an hour in her room, do her homework in the study, and then do her nightly weigh in. She wasn't happy about the numbers, and that'd just make her work harder in the morning.

**Hope you all enjoy the chapter; let me know what you think. People showed some interest so it looks like I'll continue writing. Also, sorry if there are any mistakes.**

**Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorite and added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	3. Normal

Chapter 3: Normal

"What do you mean I can't change my schedule? It's only a few weeks into school; how can I not be able to switch classes?" Rachel's emotions were getting the better of her. She didn't mean to, or even want to, raise her voice, but the woman was just no help.

"It's not that you can't."

"Then what in the world could it possibly be? I don't want to change grades or anything, just one single, little English class."

"I know sweetheart. It's just that no other English classes fit in your schedule."

"What does that mean?" Her voice was filled with defeat, and the woman could hear it. She kind of felt bad for the young brunette in front of her and would help her if she could.

"The only other Junior English class is during your science period." She pointed out showing Rachel her schedule. "And there is no more room in the other science classes." She watched the young girl in front of her on the verge of a breakdown. There was so much sadness in her defeat. It was a depressing sight. "I'm sorry. I'd help you if I could, but the only way to switch your English class is to not take science and that would put you back a year. Surely things in that class can't be bad enough to warrant that." Maybe to Rachel it was, but then she thought about an extra year sharing a school with that woman. It was almost enough for her to want to vomit right there and then. Almost…

"I'm sorry for my harsh tone of voice. I didn't mean to take my anger out on you. Thank you for all your help." The woman gave a kind smile and offered Rachel her own platitudes before watching the young girl walk away. She watched as Rachel's shoulders slumped just slight enough for the watchful eye to notice. She saw her real frown turn into the fascia of a smile sure to put any questions to rest. More than anything though, she saw a girl turn into a child, slowly breaking at the seam. Luckily for Rachel, the woman was knew and wouldn't know whether her questioning Rachel's state of mind was warranted or from an off day, so it'd probably never be brought up.

Rachel left with her head held high, her show smile on, and the air of confidence everyone believed her to have. She thought the day would be better than the previous; she had been wrong. The day didn't even officially start, the school day that is, and her one wish was already denied. To make matters worse, on her way to get her books for Shelby's class, she ran into Karofsky. That's always a pleasant experience.

"Back to the freak clothes troll?" It wasn't a question as much as a statement of fact, but either way, Rachel was in no mood. And the threatening slushy wasn't in his hands, so she decided to actually speak back… Bad idea.

"Please step out of my way Karofsky. I'm not in the mood for your childish antics." Rachel attempted to step out of his direct path, but he wasn't having it. If she went right, he stepped left and vise versa, keeping Rachel from going anywhere. "Please, just let me go." Her voice was quiet and pleading. She just wanted to go to her locker. Was that really so much to ask?

"Aw, is the troll begging. Maybe you should get on your knees and ask me nicely." That was not a reasonable request and Rachel would not agree to anything of the sort. So she decided to try another plan of action. She tried to push her way around him. His large size against her tiny frame wasn't a fair fight; not that it was a fight, but it still didn't leave much chance for Rachel. Her attempt to get away just angered him, so when he let her pass and the relief set in, it was short lived. Karofsky must've sent some of his followers a signal because as soon as she thought she was in the clear

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. A few steps later and boom! An unsuspecting Rachel Berry was covered in purple goo.

"That was for Karofsky Bitch." She heard one of the jocks yell at her in passing. The only good thing about this incident was that more seemed to be on the lockers than on her body, and she finally got around to laundry, so she had her slushy kit in her locker. After a quick wipe of her face, she went to her locker, grabbed her bag, and went off to change. She had to decide between two outfits. Would she go with her normal troll apparel, or option? Maybe Karofsky was right. She made it an entire day without getting an icy facial when she wore jeans and a hoodie. Maybe that's what she had to do to avoid being the school's biggest underling. Hopefully, she'd move to the number two spot and Jacob Ben-Israel would take her spot. Anything was better than where she was.

That's why she opted for the jeans again. Skinny jeans, flats, a plain white shirt, and a light jacket; she was normal. That's what people wanted right? Normal? The thought crossed her mind. If she was normal, or as normal as a wannabe Broadway diva, raised by two dads, being taught by her mother, not mom, could be, then she could just blend in with the crowd. She could remain invisible from the school's hierarchy, and the slushies would go to some other unsuspecting souls. It could work. It had to work.

It was time for the first class of the day… Ms. Corcoran's English hell hole; where souls went to wither and die a slow and painful death. Also known as Rachel's least favorite class of the day. She was early, even after changing and washing bits of dyed purple ice from random places in her hair. She was happy for the moment of piece. It gave her a chance t journal a little before the rest of the day really began. Making sure her food journal was safely tucked away in her bag, Rachel pulled out the slightly larger, more diary like notebook and began writing. It was more of the same. She wrote about how worthless she was, how fat she was, and how perfect she wasn't but needed to be. Rachel must've been going at it for a while, because the next thing she knew, Noah was sitting right beside her staring.

"Is there something I may be able to help you with Noah?"

"Berry, what's up with you and that notebook? And why are you dressed so… different again?"

"Noah, I have no idea what you mean. I happen to be working on an assignment I have yet to finish." Lie number twelve of the day… "And I'll have you know that this is normal school attire. I don't always dress like an overgrown toddler." Noah let out a stifled giggle as Shelby walked into the room.

"Ok class." Her voice boomed over the chatter that encompassed the room. "Let's get started." Whether Rachel liked it or not, she was stuck in the class. And as much as she wanted to just slack off and give into her urges to just write down everything and anything in her mind down on the notebook pages, she had to maintain her grades. That was the only thing semi decent about her entire existence. That and her subpar voice. The class still chatted quietly as Shelby took the attendance. And for a fraction of a second after the last name was called, Shelby found herself staring at a preoccupied Rachel. In that time she longed to be her mother, to have her be part of her family, a sister to Beth, a daughter to her. But she couldn't think about that. She told Rachel that she wasn't a part of her ideal family, and that's the way it had to stay. Thinking about her would almost make it worse. So she shook the thoughts out of her mind and started her lesson.

"What's the meaning of human life?" Rachel quickly finished up her last thoughts before securely stowing the journal with its counterpart in her bag. It was time to listen to her mother teach and take notes if necessary. Goody for her. No one answered as the question was most definitely rhetorical. That's a topic we're going to be exploring with our first reading assignment." Shelby walked to her desk and pulled a box from the floor, resting it on top of her lesson planner. "_The Stanger_ by Albert Camus. Everyone will get a copy at the end of class today. Part one s to be read by next Wednesday and I will give you some time in class to read. But for now, I want everyone to take out some paper and something to right with."

"Great." Puck angrily whispered as he turned to Rachel. "Is your mother a hard ass?"

"How would I know?" She asked returning his angry tone. "It's not like I talk to her all the time."

"Relax Berry."

"Noah, is there a problem?" Shelby asked drawing the class' attention toward Puck and Rachel. When she got no response, she continued. "If you and Rachel want to share what's so important to the class, we're all ears." Still no response. "Ok then, save your conversations for later."

"Thanks so much Noah. Now, on top of everything else she thinks I'm a delinquent." Rachel mumbled under her breath. Puck wasn't meant to hear her, but he heard something.

"What was that Berry?"

"Just pay attention Puck. I don't want to get in trouble." She had enough to worry about without detention with the likes of Shelby Corcoran.

"Today's assignment is to right a short essay about what the meaning of human life is to you. Once we're done reading the book, we'll broach this topic again and see if your views have changed. So for the rest of the class period I want you to work on the essay. It's due at the beginning of class tomorrow, no exceptions."

As Shelby went to work on lesson plans or whatever crap she had in front of her, the rest of the class, with the exception of a few slackers, started their essays. Rachel was at a loss. Did she write what she truly believed and what she truly felt or what she thought Shelby would like to read? She didn't know which to choose. Then she thought that some of the things she truly felt were just too dark and the lighthearted stuff would be a much better sell.

"Rachel, what's the meaning of life?" His smile grew larger signaling that he was about to tease her. "I mean, I know for you it's all Broadway all the time. You're meaning of life is to become a star. But what's the meaning of life?" That's really what people thought of her? Was she really nothing more than a wannabe Broadway actress with man hands and a messed up nose?

"Maybe you should write about your daughter Noah. Surely there's some meaning in life when a part of giving life." The words were meant to sting him, make him feel as bad as she did even if for just a moment, but she really just gave him an idea. She could help others, but there was nothing she could do to help herself. That's life.

Rachel watched as Puck began writing, watched as everyone around her was hard at work, and she just sat there at a loss for what words to put down on paper. She looked up for a second, catching a glance of Shelby, hoping she wasn't looking in her direction. Pondering a little longer, Rachel finally turned back to her paper and started searching for the right words to describe, what she felt was, the meaning of human life. What she wrote, and what she thought were two totally different concepts. Relief set in as the bell rang and it was time for the next class.

"Don't forget to take a copy of the book, and remember essays due at the beginning of class tomorrow." Shelby bellowed as the students piled up in front of her desk impatiently waiting to get their book and run. Rachel was hidden in the crowd trying to push through and get out with no avail. She was one of the last few left. And when Shelby saw this, she took it as her opening. "Rachel, can you stay a minute?"

Rachel stopped dead in her tracks. What did she want? Was it another opportunity to reiterate that she would not, under any circumstances, ever be a mom to Rachel? "What is it?" Her voice came out rushed and impatient. She didn't want to be there.

"We didn't get a chance to speak yesterday, but I wanted to make sure you were ok with this?" Like she really cared. If she did, they would have had that discussion before she dropped out of the sky and showed up at McKinley.

"I'm fine." She had no other choice than to be fine. There were no options besides being behind a year to get her out of it. "And if that's it, I have to get to my locker before my next class and I don't want to be late. I better get going." Although it seemed like Shelby was about to say something, maybe try to make the conversation a little less awkward, Rachel didn't wait to hear it. She just grabbed one of the last copies of the book off the desk and rushed out of the room. There was no parley at the locker or any chance for Shelby to go looking for her, not that she ever would; she just went straight to her history class.

Lunch rolled around without much incident Rachel joined her fellow glee members and indulged in a healthy brown bagged vegan lunch while partaking in meaningless, frivolous conversation, faking happiness and joy to match the rest. Once down with her food, she excused herself to go to her "locker," and drop off some books. Instead she headed to the bathroom and emptied some stuff.

Meanwhile, while Rachel was doing her thing, Shelby joined Will for lunch in the teachers' lounge. Asking as polite as Shelby Corcoran could to join him, Will welcomed the company and pulled out a seat for her.

"So you decided to come teach at McKinley? I've been meaning to stop by and see for myself."

"Well here I am, in the flesh." After a few minutes of getting reacquainted and catching up, Will finally asked what was on his mind.

"Why'd you come back Shelby?"

"I took Beth and moved to New York, and I realized I was spending more time at work than with her. I was looking for a job that I'd like and would allow me more time with Beth. McKinley needed a new teacher and that just so happened to be me."

"That's great Shelby, but what about Rachel?"

"What about Rachel?"

"Did you ever think about how this would affect her? What it might do to her to have you here?"

"I talked to her. She said she was ok with having me here. Do I think she's happy that she's in my class? No, but she hasn't exactly transferred out either."

"I talked to her in glee yesterday. She didn't seem to keen on the idea of you being here."

"Well she'll just have to deal with it. We both will."

"Let's hope it's that simple." Will said, almost solemnly.

"I should get going. I have to stop by the office. I'll see you later though Will." Throwing away the remnants of her lunch on the way out, Shelby headed down the halls of McKinley to the office. She was greeted with the bright grin and cheery face of the school's second newest hire; the new secretary.

"How can I help you?"

"I need the revised copies of my attendance list."

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. What's your name?"

"Corcoran, Shelby."

"Oh…" Shelby didn't like the way she said that. It was like she knew something Shelby didn't, and that wasn't ok with her.

"Oh? Oh what?"

"It's nothing."

"Obviously it's something."

"No really, it's nothing. One of your students just tried to switch out of your class this morning. Poor girl seemed to be having a rough day." Shelby didn't know what to make of this revelation. She thought Rachel was fine with her presence. She just got done telling Will that Rachel didn't leave her class, so everything was fine. Now, maybe not so much.

"You said tried? Does that mean she couldn't?"

"No, it wouldn't work with her schedule."

"What did this girl look like?" Shelby needed confirmation for some reason. She held out hope that it wasn't her daughter. The woman seemed apprehensive to answer. Was she allowed to be having this conversation? Probably not, but the woman in front of her seemed more concerned than curious. So what could it hurt?

"Brunette girl, pretty, petite, not that tall." That sounded like Rachel to Shelby. After processing everything, Shelby took the papers from the woman and headed to class. Unfortunately, she ran into a slightly flush and glassy eyed looking Rachel on the way there.

"I'm sorry." Rachel apologized for bumping into the woman, she only just realized was her mother.

"It's ok Rachel. Are you ok? You look a little…" Rachel felt no need to hear her false sense of concern. Nothing about their relationship was real, mostly because there was no relationship, so why listen to her fake concern? Just like the day before, Rachel just wanted the day to be over.

"I'm perfectly perfect. Thank you for your concern, but I better get going if I want to make it to class on time. I'll see you tomorrow Ms. Corcoran." She watched as Rachel rushed off and away from her for the second time that day.

"I'm sorry Rachel." She whispered knowing Rachel couldn't hear her, nor did she want to hear it.

For both women, the rest of the day went by in the blink of an eye. Rachel headed to her locker where she was greeted by Kurt and together they went to glee. They chatted the whole way and for even the slightest bit of time, Rachel felt ok. She knew it would be short lived, and she knew it wasn't true happiness, but she wasn't wishing for imminent death either.

The torment didn't come immediately. The first few minutes were spent chatting with Kurt about weekend plans and shopping trip. Apparently he liked her new style and wanted her to keep it up. Rachel, of course, agreed. Finally she gave in to what he wanted to do since they became friends; makeover! Then other people had to add their own input.

"So Man Hands, is this a recurring theme? Did you finally decide to graduate kindergarten and move into big girl's clothes?"

"Santana!" Kurt said trying to get her to just shut up. "I think she looks good. Don't you all agree?" Rachel felt the room's eyes turn to her and the paranoia set in. What were they thinking about her? What did they see when they looked at her? Was she as disgusting to them as she was to herself?

"I think she looks fine. You can see all those Berry curves that were hidden under layers of animal sweaters before." Puck added his two cents and immediately sent Rachel into a tail spin. Which curves was he talking about? She was trying to get rid of the roll of fat around her stomach. But then he could have been talking about her supersized thighs or her flabby stomach. She'd definitely add an extra hour to her workout that night. Around her, while her thoughts were spinning, the conversation about her continued. She didn't catch most of it, but she did get the last bit as it was a question for her. By this time Mr. Schue had graced the class with his company.

"Ok, I'll agree that it looks better. But why the sudden change Rachel, and how long are you going to keep it up?"

"I don't know. I like it I guess."

"Does this have anything to do with your mother?" Finn asked, slightly worried about how Shelby was impacting Rachel, but also rather indifferent about his ex.

"Why would you ask such a thing? Nothing about that woman affects anything I say or do, and it never will. She is just another teacher in this school, just like any other."

"You keep telling yourself that Diva."

That was glee in a nutshell. The first half was spent discussing Rachel's new façade, or new look as they called it, and the second part was spent on vocal exercises that Mr. Schue felt would enhance their performances. When it was finally time to go home there were two things distinctly taking up Rachel's mind. The first was what Puck said; he basically called her fat, and that made her feel the cusps of a panic attack setting in. The second was the essay for Shelby's class. What was the meaning of life? Maybe there wasn't one, and even if there was, she wasn't feeling particularly good about it.

Rachel's night continued with her daily routines. There was no dinner or snacking when she got home. She opted for an extra long workout and making food would just cut that short. Then she spent about two hours journaling. She was tempted to do more, but she had an English assignment to work on, and grades were still the only good thing going in her life, and even that was slowly fading because of the B- she got in science. The assignment worried her. She didn't know what to right, and then there was the added pressure of trying to impress her mother. Or, at the very least, convince her that she wasn't the epic failure that she appeared to be.

Then the idea hit her. Her entire day was spent thinking about being normal. Maybe that was the meaning of life. Maybe everyone's purpose was to find their own normal. But where did that leave Rachel?

**Hope you all enjoy the chapter; let me know what you think. Sorry if there are any mistakes and thank you threeltlbirds for pointing out my misuse of faithful. I guess stupid mistakes like that happen when you're an insomniac that likes to write in the middle of the night.**

**Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorite and added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	4. Death of a Loved Ones

Chapter 4: Death of a Loved One(s)

Another two school weeks passed since Shelby's first week at McKinley, and after a long week, it was finally the weekend. Shelby was sprawled out in her office, different class' papers all about the room. She was finally catching up on her grading. After getting Beth settled for her afternoon nap, she had about two hours to get through as many papers as she could before it was mommy time. She made it through her entire freshman and sophomore classes before hitting the junior pile. One by one she went through each person's meaning of life. Most of them were more literal and bland, sterile even, but a few of them were more enlightening. Noah's was surprisingly insightful, unknown to her, it was because of Rachel. He spoke all about the meaning of life is to give life, to give new generations pieces of their past and to continue traditions that have been passed down through families. It was very well done. Then she came across Rachel's paper. It was one of the last ones she graded. It was interesting, definitely not something she thought of Rachel writing.

"People are born, they live, and then they die. The meaning of life lies somewhere within those times. Most people struggle to find who they are; what they want out of life, but it's a journey everyone takes. For me, as I suppose it is for many sixteen year old girls, it's about finding my own normal. It's about finding my own place in the world where I feel safe and comfortable. Happy would be nice too. Maybe normal is an irrelevant term. People, more specifically impressionable young girls, just want to fit in. They want to be themselves while still having a safe place to go and fall back on. The meaning of life is finding the meaning of you; your own normal, your own dreams, your own passions. And once you do that, you just keep going." Shelby read the closing passage of Rachel's essay aloud.

She was more than impressed. She half expected Rachel's paper to be about Broadway dreams and becoming a star. Instead, she read, what she believed to be, an enlightened view of the world. She just got her first bit of real knowledge of what makes Rachel, Rachel. She enjoyed having this knowledge. She liked seeing Rachel in a new light. Every mother should experience that with her child. And whether it was an intentional revelation on Rachel's part, or some flaw she was reading way too much into, Shelby was happy to see a side of Rachel she was sure most people didn't see. Before she knew it, Shelby was pulled out of her Rachel trance by the sounds of Beth's cries through the baby monitor. And after putting the papers onto the desk, she went to go be the mother her daughter deserved.

Across town in the shopping district of Lima, Ohio, also known as the mall and only source of decent shopping according to Kurt, Rachel and Kurt were on their own kind of excursion. Over the course of three weeks, Rachel lost about seven pounds. While that doesn't seem like a large number, on a frame as small as Rachel's, it made a big difference. She was eating less, puking more, exercising an unimaginable number of hours a day; she even joined another dance class. People didn't seem to notice the weight loss as Rachel kept dressing in baggy hoodies and slightly looser fitting jeans, but none of her pants would fit anymore. Although she didn't tell Kurt why she needed to go shopping, she finally gave into his request to update her new and improved style.

Together, they made their way around the mall, Kurt stopping at every boutique and small shop pointing out different outfits and clothes that would look good on Rachel. But with each one, all Rachel could think was, "I don't want people to see." What she saw when she looked at herself in the mirror was strictly private. It was for her and the mirror alone. She didn't want them to see her protruding hip bone or the outline of her ribs through her chest. She didn't want others to see the things that she loved to feel. They wouldn't understand that feeling of accomplishment when she ran her hand over her side and could feel her bones under a thin layer of skin. That was a feeling only she could understand, and she wasn't willing to let the outside world taint the happiness it gave her.

After countless stops for window shopping, Rachel had to make her move. All Rachel wanted was some new clothes, so she dragged him into the next store they passed that Kurt showed even the most remote interest in. Once inside she gave him clearance to pick out a few things he liked for her as she went to do the same. Not long after, they were both in the dressing rooms, Kurt with his more feminine chic man clothes and Rachel with whatever she thought would cover her up and keep slushies from being dumped on her. The idea of being more normal seemed to be working. She only got a slushy facial twice in the three week period. It was a definite improvement from the usual two to three times a week.

"So Diva, you haven't really talked about your… Ms. Corcoran being back. How's that going?" He asked from the dressing stall next to her.

"It's going Kurt. She's here and there's not much I can do about it. I tried getting out of her class just to make things easier for both of us, but there was no way it would work with my schedule. But things are fine." They weren't exactly fine. Rachel hated that every passing day she felt that much worse that the mother she always wanted was standing in the front of the room teaching her and her peers, but she would never have a relationship with her that went beyond that. Every day she'd feel worse about herself, and everyday she'd wonder how it was so easy for Shelby to think nothing of Rachel. But she wasn't going to tell anyone, not even Kurt, about that.

"Does it bother you?"

"Does what bother me Kurt?" He was in front of her stall now after finishing trying on all of his clothes.

"Does it bother you that you don't really know her and she doesn't really know you?"

"I'm much too brilliant for her to deserve to know. It's completely her loss." Rachel said with a very convincing sense of false confidence. It was enough to get Kurt to stop asking questions.

"That you are Rachel. You're just too brilliant for your own good." She continued trying on the clothes Kurt had picked out for her. It appeared that he really was oblivious to her new, leaner physique because each thing she tried on seemed bigger than the last. But she didn't want him to see that. So she devised a plan to make sure no one would know.

"Kurt, I really like the hoodies you picked out, especially the zip up ones, but I want them a little loose. Do you think you could get them in a bigger size for me to try on?"

"Sure Rach. I'll be right back." She didn't want a bigger size, but if she wore the ones she tried on and he thought they were the bigger size, there'd be no questioning why they were so baggy. It seemed like a good idea. A few minutes later, he returned. She faked trying on the new sizes before exiting in the clothes she came in and returning all but the smaller sized sweaters and hoodies to their rightful spots. She exchanged the jeans Kurt picked out, the ones she actually liked, for smaller sizes when he wasn't watching, and then followed him into the line.

No more than two hours and three stores later, they decided to drag their abundance of bags to the food court for dinner. Being around so much food made Rachel uncomfortable. She was really trying not to let it show, but as she looked over all her food options, she was calculating calories and workout schedules, how many times she should chew each bite, and most importantly, how long it would take her to eat before she could run to the nearest bathroom and relieve herself her excess.

"Rachel!" The slight annoyance in his voice led her to believe that wasn't the first time he called her name.

"Yeah Kurt?" She spoke so nonchalantly he didn't know what to think.

"Are you ok? Where were you just now?"

"I'm fine." She responded, her chipper voice as phony as the snow in a snow globe.

"What's going on in your head Diva?" There was genuine concern in his question and in his eyes. Why he was concerned, he didn't know, but he was nonetheless.

"I think we should get food." Rachel desperately wanted to change the subject. There was nothing wrong; there never was. "Come on." She said standing from the table abruptly. "Let's go."

Rachel took Kurt's hand and escorted him toward the lines before going their separate ways. Once they both got their orders, they found each other in the crowd and walked back to the table. Like any non-starving, normal human being, Kurt slowly ate his food, taking one bite at a time. A few bites into his meal and he looked up to see Rachel gracefully shoveling food down her throat.

"Do you need to be somewhere?" Kurt asked, still gawking at her inhumanly fast paced bites.

"No, why?"

"Why are you eating so fast?" The first dent in her armor was beginning to crack. How could she let that happen? How could she be so stupid? She couldn't ever be found out. She had to think quick.

"Was I? I guess I was hungrier than I thought. I didn't have time for breakfast before my dance class. I must look like a pig. I'm sorry for being so disgusting." That last part really caught his attention. He actually cringed when the words left her mouth. Did his best friend, the confidant, sometimes borderline arrogant, Rachel Berry just call herself disgusting? Better question; did she actually mean it, or was it one of those in the moment things?

"No, you're not disgusting." He answered jokingly trying to lighten what had become an almost instantly somber mood. He didn't know exactly what was happening, but he'd join the rest of the male population and chalk it up to hormones and PMS. "Maybe you should eat more often."

"Yeah, maybe." She smiled and hoped nothing would come of her little display, but she had to find a way to get to the bathroom. "Look at me. I'm such a mess." She stood up and brushed the imaginary crumbs off of her clothes. "I'm going to go clean up in the bathroom. Do you think you could watch my stuff?" As she walked away, she didn't leave him much choice. He was stuck with the bags as she went to chastise herself in the bathroom. Her stupidity could've gotten her caught. That's not to say there was anything wrong with what she was doing, because there wasn't.

Rachel practically ran to the bathroom. She would have literally run, but she didn't want to be too obvious. The entire way there she was mentally scolding herself. How could you be so careless Rachel? How could you be so stupid Rachel? You really are worthless. You can't even control yourself. These were just some of the many thoughts that crossed her mind before she got into the, thankfully, vacant bathroom. Immediately she was in the stall, her fingers down her throat, and emptying out all of the day's impurities. Once relief set in, she cleaned herself up, wiped her mouth and rinsed, and then headed back to Kurt.

When she returned, Kurt was finishing up his food while looking through a magazine he purchased earlier. He only looked up from it when Rachel joined him once again. "Are you ok? What took so long?"

"I'm sorry. There was a line. You know, girls and bathrooms. Right?"

"I guess." Taking one last bite of his food, he pushed the plate away and returned the magazine to his bag.

"Are you ready to go Kurt?"

"Aren't you going to finish eating?" She mimicked his earlier actions and pushed the plate away.

"No, I think I ate too fast before. I'm not hungry anymore." Kurt stood up and gathered his bags.

"Ok, let's go." And they were off.

Rachel dropped Kurt off first before making a pit stop at the only supermarket that sold a variety of vegan foods. She needed to restock her binge supplies. With the exception of a few groceries she needed to pick up with her fathers due home soon, the rest of her cart was mainly filled with the vegan snacks she liked to indulge in most. It was necessary to have her snack drawer filled at all times or else she'd feel on the verge of a panic attack thinking about her diminishing supplies. She didn't like the feeling.

After returning home and unloading the groceries, Rachel immediately changed into her workout gear. It was time for some quality elliptical time. She needed to feel the burn coarse through her body and the ache in her muscles when she was done. She needed some form of punishment for almost giving away her obsession to Kurt. It couldn't happen again. She wouldn't allow it to happen again.

Her excruciating exercise was followed by a long hot shower, in which she continued to exercise doing simple squats and anything else that could easily be done in a small confined space without threat of slipping and falling into a watery death. Once she was out and dressed, she retreated to her bed and, cuddling with her giant blanket with Broadway tunes in the background, began her latest entry into the sacred Berry bible. It was her bible at least. It contained her own set of commandments and all her own hallowed passages.

She must've fallen asleep after hours of writing because around two in the morning she was awoken by the obnoxious sounds of a phone ringing. Rushing out of bed to the nearest phone, she sleepily answered, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is…" She didn't really catch his name. The sleep was still threatening her body and his name was too trivial to remember, especially after what came next. "…calling from the American Embassy. I'm looking for a Rachel Berry."

"This is she." Her groggy voice came out as clear as possible. Then she was hit with news she was not expecting.

"I regret to inform you that Mr. and Mrs. B… I apologize. Mr. Hiram and Leroy Berry were involved in an accident during their travels. They did not survive the crash." Her knees buckled under her, the phone gripped tight in her hand still perched against her ear. "Blah blah blah blah blah." The man went on and on about what came next, the legalities and how to retrieve the bodies. Because that's what they were now. They were bodies. Her daddies were reduced to lifeless corpses; bodies instead of beings. She couldn't listen to him go on and on about the process a head. She had processing of her own to do. The last thing he said was, "I'm sorry for your loss. We'll be in touch again soon."

No words left her mouth before the phone call ended. She just laid there on the floor as lifeless as her fathers on a metal slab in some morgue halfway across the world. She was lost. She needed guidance, but now who would she go to for it. There was no one. She had no one. She was truly alone.

What was she going to do?

"They can't be dead. My daddies are not dead. They're coming home on Monday. They're supposed to be home Monday." She tried desperately to convince herself it was all some sort of prank; some cruel sadistic form of a joke. But in her heart she knew it was true. She'd never see her daddies again. And the saddest part of it all was that she couldn't remember their last conversation. What was the last thing she said to them? Did she tell them she loved them? Did they tell her? When was the last time she actually saw them? Her mind was reeling. She didn't know what happened next, but she knew she couldn't leave the only life she knew.

No one could know they died. Then she'd get taken away. She couldn't let that happen. She'd have to deal with that later though. In that moment she could barely breathe. The tears flew out her eyes at an angry pace, pouring like the heavy storms of a hurricane. She cried so hard for so long she felt sick. Her head was pounding, the lack of contents in her stomach threatening to come up with every gasp for air. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. Was this some kind of karmic justice? What had she done so wrong?

"I love you daddies. Please come back." That was the last thing she whispered before crying herself to sleep that night.

**This chapter's a little more depressing, but I hope you enjoy it the best you can enjoy the writing of death and let me know what you think. It's about 2 AM and I'm writing through my insomnia (sometimes I swear I'm nocturnal), so pardon any mistakes. I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. **

**So, thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	5. Coping… or Not

**Ok, so there have been a few questions. For starters, Finn and Rachel are not a couple. Rachel is in a dark place that's getting darker, and I don't think now's the time to add a real romantic relationship into the mix. But a lot of what happened on the show happened in the story. Only, there's no Blaine and the kiss at nationals didn't happen. In this story they broke up for some nondescript reason, which I've yet to come up with, at the beginning of summer before junior year. I guess we could say nationals never happened because that was at the end of their junior year. If I think of anything else I'll add it into future author's notes, and if you have any questions I'll gladly answer them.**

Chapter 5: Coping… or Not

When Rachel woke up the next morning, for the briefest of seconds, her world still felt right. For those few moments, she forgot that the only parents she had ever known were no longer sharing a part of the same earth. None of it made sense. But when the same throbbing in her head from the morning hours returned, and she realized that she spent the night in her fathers' bed, she knew it was true. She knew they were gone.

For the rest of the day, she barely moved, barely got out of bed, and barely did much more than sleep and think. Even her daily rituals were put on hold, which, under normal circumstances, would have caused her to implode. But under such new emotional turmoil, there was no room for her self hatred and terrible thoughts. That's not to say they were gone. No they were still very present, if not more so than before. But the thought of not having her fathers, whether they were absentee or not, definitely took over the forethought. If there ever was a ray of hope, it was gone now, and she was more lost than ever before.

There were an abundance of phone calls that day. Or maybe it was just a few, but it felt like so many more than normal. Rachel couldn't be bothered with that. No one wanted to talk to her, and since she and her dads didn't have any other family, she didn't think anyone else would have received news of her fathers' demise. So whatever the people on the other line had to say just wasn't important enough for her to care.

Instead, she took the phone off the hook, grabbed a shirt from each of her fathers' collections, and just lay with them. The most familiar of scents filled the air as she rested her head against each of the button downs that she was gripping. She felt safe with that smell. She felt safe in that bed. It was like she was five again, waiting to be read a story, or seven and sneaking into their bed after a bad dream. She wanted it to all be a bad dream.

During her freshmen year, her parents' trips became more frequent and longer. But before that, they were the most attentive people anyone could ever want in their life. Even when they weren't around, she knew they loved her and supported her. She knew that they had high hopes for her, higher than she probably deserved. But they were always proud of her. Maybe she was being delusional. Her fathers stopped coming around, maybe they stopped caring too, but it didn't change the way she felt about them. She still loved them with all her heart and wanted nothing more than to have them back. She'd gladly switch places with them. They didn't deserve it, but she did. Then again, what kind of punishment would it be to be dead instead of dealing with the loss?

It was safe to assume her mind was reeling. Even the happy thoughts of the wonderful memories she shared with her parents were tainted by her obsession and the other terrible things that crossed her mind. If she had enough strength in her body to stand and walk further than the bathroom, she would've went on four or five food benders and threw each and every one of them up. But given her current state, she was lucky if she got off the bed at all.

Nothing seemed to matter. Her fathers' lives were reduced to legal jargon in a phone call from a poorly paid embassy worker. They were gone, and accepting that wasn't even fathomable, but sooner or later she'd have to drag her fat ass out of bed and live like a normal person instead of the zombie she felt herself becoming. Luckily, she still had another day to figure everything out. Monday was a school holiday, so she could continue her cycle of nothingness for an extra twenty four hours and hope, beyond all reason, that her fathers would magically appear in the middle of the room asking why she wasn't in her own bed.

Barely sleeping, not eating, and not doing much of anything, Tuesday morning rolled around fairly quickly. While she lay awake that morning, way too early to start the day and pretend it was normal or that anything was near ok, she did a little thinking. It probably wasn't the best thing to do, and it most definitely wasn't healthy, but she came to a conclusion. She had no family, no one to take care of her, no one to worry about her well being, so she'd just have to take care of herself.

No one needed to know about their deaths. Soon all their possessions, the house the car, bank accounts, everything would be put in her name per their final requests. And until then, she could forge their names on papers for school or checks for bills. They wanted to be cremated and have their ashes scattered over the very place they met, so there would be no service, no lavish announcements, and she'd be able to continue staying right where she was without threat of child services looming over her every move. Lying, at least by omission, seemed like the lesser of two evils.

It would work; it had to work. If it didn't, who knew where she'd end up. It's not like she could move in with Kurt, and she didn't have anyone else to count on. Kurt… he lost his mother and could relate to what she was feeling. So could Finn. But could she risk confiding in them. Maybe Kurt, but she'd have to mull over that for a while.

When the day finally began and the alarm went off at five in the morning, she felt drained. For the past two days, she had literally done nothing, and yet she was wiped. Everything was normal, she had to be normal. She kept thinking that over and over, hoping that after a while it would just sink in and her acting skills would seamlessly take over. No one would be the wiser.

She just couldn't get going though. Somehow, almost subconsciously, she pulled off a morning elliptical workout, took a much needed shower, brushed her teeth, and got dressed in the most depressing looking outfit she could find. But after everything, her tiny burst of energy was gone, and moving, breathing, became a chore.

On her way into the kitchen she paused and stared at herself in the mirror.

"Rachel Berry, you are a mess." She said aloud. "But you can do this. You will make it through today and every day after." She didn't know if she believed it; no she didn't believe that. But she did her best to convince herself otherwise. "You are going to put on that million dollar smile, get to school, sing at glee, and make sure no one finds out anything." That was her pep talk. Go lie to yourself and your friends and everything will be ok? How delusional could she possibly be?

After mainlining a few cups of coffee, which she knew she'd need for both energy and to boost her metabolism because her routine was all discombobulated, she was almost ready to go. But one quick glance in the car mirror told her school could wait a minute. She wouldn't be late if she took the five minutes necessary to cover up the sleep deprivation shown on her face giving away her little secrets. But once that was taken care of, and she checked to make sure she had everything, she was off to school.

Her smile wasn't as bright as it normally was. There was only so much bogus bravado she could muster while dealing with everything else in her mind. But she knew she had to test it out. If she could fool Kurt, she could fool everyone. She hoped.

"Hey Kurt!"

"Diva, where've you been? I tried calling Sunday and yesterday too, but you didn't answer."

"I'm sorry. My fathers wanted to spend some time with me before they went out of town for the week. They aren't used to leaving me alone and they were having some separation anxiety. Parents, right?"

"I guess." He grabbed his bag and looped her arm in his. "You look tired."

"Thanks, you look great yourself."

"You know what I mean. Is everything ok?"

"Of course it is silly. Why wouldn't it be?" She knew that was a little much in the acting department, but luckily, Kurt seemed to miss it. Before they knew it, they were outside of Shelby's classroom and slushy free. At least that was one goal of the day accomplished. She wasn't slushied before first period. Hooray for her.

"So I'll see you in class and then we'll meet up at lunch. We should go over some song ideas for sectionals."

"Well, I'll definitely see you in class, but I don't know about lunch. I might have to use that time to finish one of my assignments. My dads took up most of my weekend and I didn't have time to finish."

"Ok, I'll see you in class then." With a very Kurt like wave, he was off and she was free to sit alone in the craziness that was her mind.

No one was in class yet. She was early like she normally was, and she was grateful for the solitude. She wanted nothing more than to break down in tears or fall asleep and never wake up again, but she just couldn't. It wouldn't be a very Berry like thing to do. Instead she just stared at the blank page of her journal and thought about the many things she could write about. Then she thought that if she did write it, it would be real. And she didn't know if she could face it. It was easier to believe the lies she was telling than to listen to the truth that she knew. All those thoughts aside, she decided to focus on her other problems, maybe get back into the swing of things. She wrote about everything else, but reserved the blank page for her fathers… when she was ready. After a few minutes of writing, her process was interrupted by a way too happy Shelby.

"Oh." She was startled by the very early Rachel. "Hi Rachel, good morning."

"Morning." Her voice was quiet. There was definitely nothing good about that morning… nothing. The oddly somber Rachel didn't go unnoticed by Shelby. Was that out of the ordinary for her daughter? Was she just not a morning person? Maybe she just had moods.

"Is everything ok?"

"Fine." One word answers seemed to get the job done. She didn't have the strength to elaborate, especially not with her. Still a little concerned, but enjoying the little bit of conversation, Shelby pushed forward.

"I finally got around to the class' essays over the weekend. Yours was particularly well written and very good." Too bad it was an over inflated optimistic version of what she felt at the time, and now she didn't even have that. Ask her about the meaning of life then and she'd say there wasn't one.

"Thanks." Rachel looked up for a second after feeling her mother's intense gaze trained on her. It looked like she was about to say something, her mouth was open and everything, but she was interrupted with a flood of students as the bell rang. It was a welcomed relief to a flat lining Rachel.

All day classes went by in a blur. She played the part when she was around Ms. Corcoran, Mr. Schue, and the glee clubbers, but she seriously questioned how long she'd be able to keep it up. With each lie, with each act, her sanity weakened and her urges grew stronger. By the end of the day, just in time for glee, she felt dead. She was tired and worn, and needed something to wake her up. Then she remembered. She had diet pills in her purse. One of the ingredients was caffeine and she was sure there were other pick me ups laced somewhere in the capsule. Those would surely help.

And they did. The pills helped. They allowed her to throw herself into her art. She danced harder than she thought possible and sang every note as flawlessly as ever before. She liked the way the pills made her feel. For the first time in days, she felt awake. Then again, she did have what amounted to four or five cups of coffee that morning.

The rest of the week went on much like that. She did her work, kept to her routines, and lived the best she could. She didn't sleep much though, but what energy she lacked from sleep she made up for with caffeine and diet pills. She didn't each much either. She found herself full after one tiny bite, and she still felt the need to release it afterwards. Her life style wasn't and never would be classified as healthy.

That next Wednesday, though, more than a week after their death, she was in for a little bit of a setback. She managed to avoid any suspicions. She was a good actress, no one could claim otherwise. But the combination of sleep deprivation, caffeine overload, diet pills, lack of nourishment, and over exercising was getting to her more than usual. The headaches would help keep her up at night. The lightheadedness was more frequent and worse than ever before, but a part of her liked it. The floating feeling she got after pushing herself too hard, the head rushes she felt when she stood or moved too quickly, and the feeling of hunger she felt when she deprived herself of food all felt so good and so welcomed. They made her feel alive and separate from her emotions. It was amazing.

She was holding in all the tears, all the anger, all of the pain she felt from their sudden deaths and it all just became too much for her. It was nothing big that set her off, just more of the same. But that's what worried her. She needed to control things like that.

That morning, before school, her fathers' ashes had arrived. She knew what she would have to do with them, but it would be a long drive and would have to wait until the weekend. But holding the makeshift urns in her hands made everything so real. Feeling was unavoidable. The day was spent in complete silence. She ignored anything said to her, and avoided anyone and everyone she knew would want to talk to her. Then glee happened. Like almost every day, she wanted to skip it, go home and exercise or write until her hands cramped, but she couldn't do that without raising questions. Rachel Berry just wouldn't miss glee. She lived, ate, and breathed the club.

People were starting to realize something was going on with their resident diva, but no one dared to bring it up. Maybe they didn't care, or maybe they didn't really want the answer; either way, the question wasn't being asked. But after a rigorous dance practice, the questions needed to be asked. Rachel Berry was not ok, but what was wrong?

The rehearsal was winding down, but Rachel being Rachel was over in the corner with a few other kids practicing the steps over and over. While they were doing that, and the rest of the group was packing up their stuff, Mr. Schuester was talking to the kids.

"Remember, parents meeting this Friday to talk about funding for sectionals. We need to raise money and we need help. I expect all of your parents to be there. I talked to most of them already, but Rachel, I haven't been able to get a hold of either of your dads."

Just the mere mention of her dads made her breaths become labored. He couldn't reach them because they were a pile of ashes resting on the mantle until she could free them in the wind. Breathing seemed impossible, and she began gasping for air.

"Rachel! Rachel are you ok?" She heard Puck yell as he tried to hold her, helping her to sit on a crate that happened to be on the stage.

"Mr. Schue, there's something wrong with Rachel!" Mercedes yelled and the teacher promptly came to see what was happening.

"Go get her some water." He said. Rachel could feel all eyes on her. She felt a little claustrophobic in the middle of her huddled "friends."

"Breathe, just breathe." She told herself.

"Someone call an ambulance."

"No!" Rachel yelled in between her huffing. "I'm fine. I… just need water." It took a while, and Mr. Schue had cleared out the room, but Rachel was finally able to breathe again. A full fledged panic attack; always terrifying to witness and even worse to feel. Needless to say, Will was worried. He'd never seen Rachel like that. He knew that the past week she'd been off, less loud and vibrant, but there was something deep that he couldn't quite strike.

"Rachel, what happened?" The concern was evident, but Rachel couldn't tell him the truth.

"I was just dehydrated. And I think I pulled a muscle. I'm sorry I scared everyone. Next time I'll drink more water and stretch better."

"It's fine Rachel, everyone's just worried." Will knew the young girl in front of him was hiding something, but he didn't know how to drag it out of her. She usually was pretty vocal about her needs. He'd have to talk to Emma about it later and maybe Shelby too. "Are you ok now? Should I call your house and have one of your parents come get you?"

"I'm fine. No need to call anyone. See." She said, pushing herself up, holding in the tears for dear life. Her fathers would never be picking her up again. "Fine." Her fake smile returned too.

It took a little more cajoling, but she managed to convince Mr. Schuester that she was fine and capable of driving herself home. As soon as she got the go ahead, she went to the nearest bathroom and just broke down. She didn't check the stalls, and she didn't bother to lock her own stall when she went in; she just sat on the toilet lid and cried the tears she has been fighting for some time.

She was in there for a good while before the sobs started to slow down. Eventually, she went to the sink to clean up a little. She was happy to notice the vacant area. It was just her. She was still crying, though, when she heard the familiar sounds of clicking heels enter the room. There were silent tears falling when Shelby entered the room. She did her best to cover it up, splashing water on her face. But the red eyes and blotchy face gave it all away. And Shelby was quick to notice the distraught girl.

"Rachel?" She moved closer, handing the girl a paper towel; one that she desperately needed and willingly accepted. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She said forcing the tears to stop and her voice to go back to normal.

"Obviously it's something. What's going on?" Shelby placed a comforting hand on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel responded by quickly turning to face her.

"Nothing's wrong. I just had a long practice, and I need to go home." With that she grabbed her bags and rushed out leaving a worried Shelby behind.

Shelby made her way into the hall and down the corridor until passing the choir room where she saw Will. She was tempted to let it go. Rachel obviously didn't want her to know what was going wrong, but she was still the girl's mother. Surely she had some right to know. After taking a second to think it over, she decided to go in and talk to him. He could give her some insight to Rachel's problem.

"Hey Will."

"Shelby, how are you?"

"I'm good. How's glee going?"

"I think we have a real shot at Sectionals this year."

"That's good. I hope you guys do great." He could sense there was something on her mind. There was something on his too.

"Thanks. I was going to talk to you later, but since you're here now." He directed her to the chairs and politely asked if she'd like to join him. She agreed.

"I wanted to talk to you too."

"Ok, you go first."

"Do you know what's going on with Rachel? Or is something going on with Rachel? Is it boy troubles?"

"Why do you think something's wrong with Rachel?" He thought something was up too, but he wanted, needed, to know what she saw. The more information, the better.

"I swear I just caught her crying in the bathroom. I tried to find out what was going on, but, as I suspected she might, she pushed me away." He was more worried now. Panic attacks and crying. There was cause for concern. If only she'd just spill it already.

"I've noticed something wrong too. I've been trying to get a hold of her fathers to talk about Friday's meeting or at least let them know that there is one, but I haven't been able to reach them."

"Is that what you wanted to see me about?"

"Yes, partially. I wanted to talk to you about Rachel and see if you noticed anything. I wanted to tell you about her episode today too."

"What episode? Did something happen?"

"I'm pretty sure she had a panic attack. She said she was just a little dehydrated and that she pulled a muscle. But it was more than that."

"Something's going on. You're worried about her."

"I've never seen her even get nervous. There's something going on. I just don't know what."

"What do we do? What do I do?"

"Well, I was hoping to talk to the Berry's when they come to the meeting Friday; if they come. We can talk after that and I'll fill you in on whatever I learn. But the other thing I wanted to talk to you about was to see if you would like to sit in and help out with glee next week. It could give you a chance to interact with Rachel, and we could use your help."

"I'd like that. And definitely let me know what happens with the Berrys. I'm going to keep an eye on her the best I can, and I have a feeling you'll do the same."

"I will." They both stood and Will walked with her to the door. "I'll let you know if I find anything out."

"And I'll do the same." With a cordial wave and a shared worried feeling, the two parted ways.

**Insomnia strikes again! I guess that's good for the readers though, but pardon the mistakes. I'm only human. I hope you like the chapter. I promise, probably in the next chapter, some people will find out about Rachel's dads. And soon after that, her other problem will cause some problems and the issues will start to be brought to light. If that was confusing, I apologize; it's late.**

**I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	6. The Last Goodbye

**I'm going to begin by saying that I'm not Jewish. I know very little about the Jewish religion, so if anything I write is a little off, I apologize and hope that my lack of knowledge doesn't offend anyone of the Jewish community. **

Chapter 6: The Last Goodbye

Friday rolled around pretty quickly. After Wednesday's little incident, Rachel knew she was being watched. When she left that day she was greeted by the constant buzzing of her phone. There were texts and messages asking if she was ok and what happened. She replied to them all the same. "I'm fine, just needed water and rest." Most of them believed her, but the select few could just look at her and see that something had changed. And it wasn't a recent change either.

In class, Shelby watched her daughter closely. She looked for any sign that the young girl would break down again and anything to answer the question why. What was wrong with her little girl? And how could she help? But in the few days following her breakdown, Rachel didn't show any signs of anything really. Her usual façade was up and running, and in her opinion, better than ever. No one would see behind it.

But Friday afternoon rolled around, and glee was kicking her butt. Her dizzy spells were getting worse. She even blacked out for the first time that morning after working out at home. Her hands were colder than normal, her skin paler, but she wouldn't let that change anything. She was perfectly fine.

Rehearsal ended a little early because of the parents' meeting, and Rachel couldn't have been more grateful. She needed to sit down. Her body was aching and she was having trouble catching her breath, but she didn't want anyone to see. So she chugged some water and hoped that'd be enough to clear up her vision and steady her on her feet before Mr. Schuester rounded up the whole group.

"Good rehearsal guys. We're going to kill at Sectionals. It's just a few weeks away, so make sure you're on time for practice from now on. I expect all of you to work hard and try your best." There was a short pause before he continued. "Well, I'm looking forward to seeing your parents tonight. They should be here soon, so you should all get going. Have a good weekend everyone."

The entire club scattered, all trying to get away before their parents showed up. Will found it quite amusing. About fifteen minutes after the kids left, most of the parents had arrived. Mercedes' mom, Quinn's mom, Burt was there for Finn and Kurt; everyone had someone there except Rachel. Will was very interested in speaking to them. He wanted to know if something was going on with Rachel. So when they didn't show, he didn't know what to make of it.

After the productive meeting where they came up with some good fundraising ideas and he got to talk with a few of the parents, Will headed back to the choir room. When he reached the door, he could see an anxious Shelby pacing back and forth next to the piano. He was going to give her a ring later, but since she was already there, he figured they could chat.

"Shelby, what are you doing here?" Her gaze immediately shifted in his direction as she heard her name being called. And there in the doorway stood the man he was waiting for.

"Hey Will. How'd your meeting go?"

"You could've come to the meeting you know."

"I didn't want to run into the Berrys. I don't imagine that would've been a good time."

"You could have come you know." He repeated getting his point across. He watched as her usual business like face sported a small frown.

"They didn't show. Did they?"

"No. They didn't."

"Did you at least get to talk to them?" He shook his head no and she continued. "Not even on the phone or anything?"

"No. I just get their voice mail. And when I called the house Rachel answered and said they were out and she'd have them call me back at their earliest convenience." They both couldn't help but smile.

"That sounds like a very Rachel thing to say."

"It does, but they never got back to me."

"Has she had any more…" She couldn't think of the right word. "Episodes?"

"No, but she has been kind of quiet. She hasn't been the outspoken girl for a while now. What about in class?"

"She never really says much in my class. I try not to take it too personally. But some of the other gossipy teachers were saying she has been pretty quiet. I don't think they know she's my daughter, so they didn't try to keep quiet when I was eavesdropping."

"That's very you Shelby." He said laughing. "But we have to get to the bottom of this. Maybe we should talk to her together,"

"Does she know that I'm going to help out New Directions?"

"No, I thought it best to not scare them into quitting before Sectionals."

"I'm not that bad."

"Well, to them you're the glee club Nazi. And that was one of the nicer terms."

"Seriously?"

"They heard stories about your time at Vocal Adrenaline."

"They're just over dramatized versions of the truth. There was no real bleeding feet, just bleeding blisters."

"I don't think I'll tell them that Shelby."

"That's probably for the best." The room fell into a comfortable silence before anyone spoke again. "How worried do you think I should be?"

"It could be nothing."

"But it could be something." Their conversation pretty much ended there. Shelby had to get home to Beth and Will wanted to spend some time with Emma. Will was worried about Rachel, but a part of him just thought it was one of her diva tantrums that took a different turn. Shelby, on the other hand, was very concerned. Her daughter looked pale and like she wasn't sleeping. She found her crying in the bathroom. If that wasn't a clear sign of problems, what was?

Across town, Rachel and Kurt were hanging out in her bedroom listening to music and talking. Even though Rachel preferred to be alone as of late, she was grateful for Kurt's company. She knew that when she woke up in the morning, she'd have a long drive to scatter the ashes, and then she'd be all alone. So for the time being, at least, she wanted someone with her.

"Rachel, let's order that vegan pizza you like and watch a bunch of musicals."

"I don't know Kurt. I don't know if I'm in the mood."

A flood of gasps left his mouth. "Did Rachel Berry just say she wasn't in the mood for a musical marathon? Who are you and what did you do with my friend?"

"Funny Kurt." She stood up from her bed and walked over to Kurt and the collection of movies he was staring at and passed him the phone. "You win. Order the pizza and whatever else you want, and I'm going to set up in the living room." She grabbed a few of the movies, the ones she knew Kurt liked best, and headed for the door. "Meet me downstairs when you're ready."

Shortly after, Kurt came barreling down the stairs and joined Rachel in front of the TV. She was cuddled with a blanket and pillow leaving just enough room for Kurt to squeeze in if he wanted. He, however, thought it was rather warm in the house and opted for the love seat to hang out on. Not long after that, food arrived. Rachel paid and brought it into the kitchen waiting for Kurt to join her. Food wasn't exactly on her to do list. Rachel and food weren't really on speaking terms. In fact, she pretty much avoided it. But Kurt was there, so she had to at least pretend to eat.

"Kurt, come make a plate." As soon as there was food on their plates, they were back in front of the TV. For the longest time, Rachel just played with the food. She ripped the pizza into tiny pieces and shuffled them around her plate. She even went as far as to arrange the pieces into designs like a smiley face or a star. She vowed not to let even a fraction of it pass her lips.

"Rachel, what are you doing?" He gave her a weird look as he saw her star of pizza

"Well, I'm watching a movie Kurt. What are you doing?"

"I mean why aren't you actually eating your food? You're playing with it. You haven't been eating much lately. You've skipped lunch almost every day."

"I skipped lunch because I had things to do, but I always had a granola bar or whatever snack I brought with me. And I am eating Kurt." She knew she would have to eat some. He'd be watching to make sure. So to appease him, she picked up one of the smallest pieces from her star and, never touching it to her lips, chewed for a very long time. "See, I'm eating."

"Whatever you say Diva." She had to take a few more bites as he kept looking over at her like without the pizza she'd be dead and void. It was only a few bites, but it was more than she had eaten in one sitting in a while, at least calorie wise. Feeling it resting in her stomach revolted her. She needed to get it out. She had to excuse herself.

"Kurt. Stay here and watch the movie, I'm going to go change into my pajamas."

"Ok, I'll be here."

Practically jumping from her seat, Rachel raced up to her room, and then into her bathroom. She was going to change, but she had things to take care of first. She wasn't accustomed to having people around when she did this, so she took the necessary precautions. She didn't want Kurt to hear anything, so she left the water running to muffle the sounds. Then, she promptly followed her normal routine.

When she was done, she felt so much better. A wave of relief washed over her and the day just seemed to be cleansed away. She didn't realize how much pent up emotion she had buried inside of her that day. But releasing it felt wonderful. She felt lighter, both physically and emotionally. She wanted to revel in the moment, but she had to change and get back to Kurt before he realized how long she was taking.

Before they knew it, it was late, they had watched about three movies, and Kurt had to leave. They exchanged their pleasantries, and Kurt was headed home. After his departure, Rachel cleaned up the living room, went through some of the mail, paid a few bills, and headed up to bed. It was late and she wanted nothing more than a good night's sleep before the painful trip she'd have to make in the morning.

She just couldn't fall asleep. From one side of the bed to the other, in every position possible, there was just no sleep. Instead, she just continued to toss and turn. As she lay there, flat on her back staring at the ceiling, she could hear her stomach growl. She was physically hungry, but she could not eat. The aching in her head was a regular occurrence, but sitting in the dark and trying to focus on anything that would help her sleep just seemed to make it worse and keep sleep away.

It was a losing battle. She knew that sleep would not come. She was too anxious, her body was revolting. So she did the only thing she could think to do that would keep her occupied in the middle of the night without raising the noise levels. She pulled out her journal and finally filled the page she left blank for her fathers. She didn't write much; not because she didn't have a lot to say, but because no matter what she wrote, it wouldn't change anything. They'd still be gone, and she'd still be a failure of a daughter.

_Dad and Daddy… I love you both. If you only knew. I'm sorry for failing you. _That was all she could manage to write on the page before tears escaped from her eyes. It would be another night where she'd cry until she couldn't cry anymore and sleep would take over. Maybe it was better that way. She'd be too exhausted to dream and it did get her to sleep. That was the goal. Of course, she was supposed to relax and fall asleep, not become so physically strained that sleep is the only way to stop it, but the end result was still the same.

When she woke up the next morning, it was later than normal. Her whole day was off balance because she forgot to set her alarm. While she'd agree that she needed the sleep, waking up after her set time just made her restless and jittery. It was like asking for more bad things to happen. But today was the day. Her fathers talked about it once. It was a morbid conversation, but they said that after their passing they'd both like to be cremated.

Cremation is looked upon with dismay in the Jewish religion. The body is a sacred medium to bring goodness into the world; it is the temple of the soul. But Leroy, unlike Hiram, wasn't raised Jewish, and he wished to be cremated. His beautiful rendition of what it would be like to live forever as part of the elements instead of buried in them was enough to sway Hiram and agree to Leroy's wish. They continued on with the conversation saying that once both of them were dead, they'd like to be scattered together in the park they first met, bonded forever in a happy memory. Rachel had no choice but to agree because they said it would be stipulated in their will.

While Rachel didn't know much about the legal aspects of death, and she didn't know whether, legally, she was supposed to spread their ashes before the will was officially read and the executer did his thing, she knew that her fathers would want it done as soon as possible. So that's what she'd do. One of her father's lawyer friends would probably be in touch with her soon, once news spread about their deaths, but she couldn't wait for that to fulfill their last request. So, she worked out a little, showered, got dressed in one of their favorite outfits of hers, and drove for two hours to get to the vacant park.

No one was there. The weather wasn't great. It looked like rain was ahead, but Rachel found that fitting. The world would cry with her as she said her last goodbye, as she watched the only remaining pieces of them get swept up in the mighty current of the wind, as their souls took comfort in a bed of clouds like angels up in heaven. Where ever they were, she just wanted them to be happy.

The urns containing her fathers' ashes were gripped tightly in her hands as she walked into the botanical gardens of Roosevelt Park. Even in the colder weather, the flowers still grew, the beautiful colors surrounding her as she made her way across the grey stone paths. Dead center, in the middle of the garden rested the most magnificent fountain. Left through the azaleas and rhododendrons led to a gazebo by a small pond where her fathers would take her for picnics to celebrate an achievement or for special occasions. The northern leading path took you through the cottage garden full of lavender, annuals, biennials, perennials, bulbs, herbs, everything of every color, and led to a stone wall that encased most of the area and a small hedge maze. Right through the rose garden was the path she needed to follow. Red roses, white roses, pink and yellow too, were all bedding the path to the one spot her fathers loved.

She had to stop and literally smell the roses. It was getting late in the season, so they wouldn't be alive much longer. They'd be dead just like her fathers. But she also needed to stop because scattered through the rose garden were some of her favorite statues. She took a minute to sit on the bench just off the beaten path and look around, really take in the place her fathers enjoyed so much over the years. Directly in front of her, surrounded by a circle of red roses, was the one set of figures that, especially as a child, she loved to look at. The granite statue of a mother and daughter playing with the ducks was always one she envied. She'd never have what that pair had forever engraved in stone. But she had two loving fathers, and that's way she was there, not to stare at a memory that would never be hers.

Stepping out of her fantasy land, out of the nonexistent place where she had both her fathers as well as a mother who loved her, Rachel made her way through the rest of the garden. Beyond that point was a small clearing then a vast expanse of trees the led to the top of a small hill. The view from there was amazing. Resting on the abandoned stone bench, anyone could just look out and see the entire park. That's where she wanted to let them go. That's where she wanted to say goodbye.

Rachel began with a Jewish prayer she learned when she was just a child. It was a death prayer said by mourners sending them off to the great hereafter. The _El Malei Rachemim _prayer asks that the departed find peace. And that's all she wanted for them. The Kaddish prayer, usually recited at funerals or by mourners, would have probably been more appropriate. If she were a son, it would be her duty to say the prayer for eleven months, but she preferred this prayer. To her, it was more fitting, more meaningful, and just more beautiful.

"Fully compassionate God on high: To our loved ones who have entered eternity, grant clear and certain rest with You, in the lofty heights of the sacred and pure, whose brightness shines like the vey glow of heaven. Source of mercy: Forever enfold them in the embrace of Your wings; secure their soul in eternity. Adonai: they are Yours. They will rest in peace."

The tears were welling in her eyes as she spoke. She was still hoping that everything was a dream, a bad one that she'd wake up from at any moment, but then, after finishing the prayer, she knew it was real. She knew that this was one nightmare she'd never forget or ever wake up from. It was her burden to bear. She took a minute to get herself together and wipe the tears from her eyes before she could continue. Once a little more stable, she opened the container holding the ashes. Standing up on the bench, she released her fathers into their final resting place, out into the elements as they wished. The tears quickly began to fall in a steady stream.

"It shouldn't have been you, either of you. It should've been me. The world needs you; it doesn't need me. But you're free now, free from all the ridicule and backwards glances because you lived differently from the rest of this ignorant town; free of me. You're free to fly, so spread your wings and soar. Maybe I'll see you again someday." Slowly, she began to let the ashes get taken by the wind watching as the dust seems to disappear into the nature that surrounded them. "I love you." There was so much more she wanted to say. She wanted to tell them she was sorry, sorry for being so self centered, sorry for being a disappointment, sorry for not being the daughter they deserved; she was just sorry. But what she said was all that she could say.

She watched as the wind carried her fathers away from her, and she listened as the first clap of thunder shuddered around her. A storm was coming, both inside of her and out in nature. For a good ten minutes she just cried. She sat down on the bench, her knees curled tight against her chest, and she cried. The rain started to fall but that didn't get her to move. The droplets, both little and large, of icy water felt like daggers against her skin. It was welcomed. Any physical pain was better than the emotional one she was already feeling.

She stayed in the same position for over an hour, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs and her head resting against them. The tears never ceased to fall, soaking the only part of her body not exposed to the pouring rain. Droplets continued to immerse her in cold, but she remained until the first strike of lightning. Then it was time to go.

"Goodbye." She whispered as she stopped at the gate before exiting the park and heading to the car. When she sat again, she finally felt the shaking of her shivers. She didn't know how long she was trembling; probably a while, but it didn't bother her. It just made her miss the warmth of her fathers' touch when they hugged her after a hard day or simply trying to comfort her by bringing her a glass of water when they didn't know how else to help. It was the simple things she'd miss the most. But, that always seems to be the case.

When she returned home, she couldn't think of what to do. She wanted to eat everything and anything then throw it up, and repeat the process over and over all afternoon until she felt better or her body became too weak to move. But she couldn't. With the exception of left over pizza that she forgot to refrigerate, there were no groceries. She didn't have the will to go to the store and stock up. So option A was out of the question. Instead she went with option B. As tired as she was and as weak as she felt, she also felt fat and that trumped the others. So she compelled her aching body to work out spending hours on the elliptical just listening to the rain crash against her window. By the time she got off of the machine, her body was so weak and the dizziness so strong, she barely made it a few steps before the world went black.

It didn't even faze her when she got up. She didn't know how long she was out, but she didn't care either. What's a little black out every now and again? It was nothing; she assured herself… nothing serious. Her body felt heavy as she trudged to her bathroom. She took a glass of water hoping it would help ease the lightheadedness. It did, with little avail. Somehow, she mustered enough strength to shower and change before passing out in her bed. The rest of the weekend was pretty much a blur. The next thing she knew, it was Monday and she was getting ready for school.

Across town, Shelby was just about ready to leave for work. Beth was dressed, the babysitter had just arrived, and she was headed for the door when the phone rang. As quickly as she could, she went over to the phone and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hello, my name is Larry Steinman; I'm looking for Shelby Corcoran." She didn't recognize the voice or the name. So who was this guy, and what did he want?

"This is she. What can I do for you?"

"I work at Steinman and Burke, an attorney's office." A lawyer? What did a lawyer want with her? "I was wondering if you could find the time to come in and discuss a matter with me." That was not something Shelby was expecting when she woke up that morning. What kind of matter needed discussing with a lawyer she never met?

"What is this regarding?" Her face was visibly contorted, something the nanny obviously saw.

"I'd prefer to discuss this in person if at all possible. It's a rather urgent matter, so whenever you're free, we should really discuss this." She was worried. It wasn't everyday that she got vague phone calls from attorneys asking for a meeting. What was going on?

"I have work until four. I can be at your office by five."

"That will work just fine. Thank you for your time and I look forward to seeing you." Given the circumstances of that call, looking forward wasn't the best choice of words, but at the time, Shelby wasn't aware. She was, however, very curious. So after explaining to the nanny that she would be late that night, she was off to work.

For both Rachel and Shelby, the day went by quickly. Shelby kept thinking about the call and impending meeting while Rachel just kept trying to stay focused. Really though, she just didn't have the strength to do much else. She wasn't feeling well, probably from soaking in the freezing rain, and even with the diet pills with energy boosters, the fake smile and attempt to keep her head held high was just draining. By glee, both women wanted to just go.

All of the glee members were scattered about the room when Mr. Schuester came in and handed out the week's assignment. They were going over power ballads. Leaving the group to discuss it amongst themselves, Mr. Schue kindly asked Rachel for a moment of her time in the hall. Before doing so, however, he told them that they'd have a guest aiding them every once in a while, at least until nationals. That left them curious enough to break into groups and think it over while he talked to Rachel.

"What is this about Mr. Schue?" She asked even though she knew the answer. Her dads, obviously, didn't show up to the meeting.

"Neither of your fathers was at the meeting Friday."

"I know." With her shy voice and demeanor, it almost didn't seem like Rachel.

"I've been trying to get a hold of them and they've yet to get back to me."

"I know, they've been busy and they went on a business trip. It has all just been a little crazy."

"I understand Rachel. Everybody's busy these days, but I feel what I need to discuss with them is important, so I'd like you to tell them to get in touch with me as soon as possible."

"I will Mr. Schuester." Just then Rachel looked over her shoulder when she felt someone else in the hall with them, and low and behold, there was Shelby. "Is she the guest you were telling us about earlier?"

"Yes Rachel she is."

Rachel uttered a "great" under her breath as she turned away and joined the rest of the group in the classroom, and leaving Will and Shelby to talk alone.

"What did she have to say?"

"She said her dads are busy and she'd tell them to call me."

"That's it?"

"That's it." He noticed the faraway look on her face and had to find out what caused it. "Where's your head at?"

"I got a really odd phone call this morning."

"Yeah? About what?"

"I don't know. It was a lawyer. I'm going to meet with him after glee."

"And you don't know what it's about?"

"No, he just said it was an urgent matter that needed to be discussed right away." They talked for a little longer before heading into the room. Her presence stirred mixed emotions, but she could tell Rachel was being a little distant. She expected as much.

About two hours later, glee was over and Shelby was sitting in Mr. Steinman's office. His secretary said he'd be in shortly, and she didn't lie. After exchanging greetings, he wanted to get right down to business. There was a young girl's future that needed discussing.

"So what is this all about Mr. Steinman?"

"Larry." He reminded her. He figured the informal approach might make the conversation a little easier. "We're here to discuss Rachel Berry." Her face furrowed. Was Rachel in trouble? She didn't seem the type, but she didn't really know her, did she?

"What about her?"

"By now you probably heard of Hiram and Leroy's passing." Her jaw fell open and he looked at her like she was crazy.

"When? How?" The shock was evident. How did she not know?

"I'm sorry, I thought you knew. They were travelling abroad and were involved in a fatal accident. I found out recently, but it has been just over two weeks now." That explained so much; her behavior, everything. When her mouth finally closed, he continued. "The Berry's left instructions for Rachel's care that we need to discuss." He pulled out a document and handed it to Shelby.

"What's this?"

"Since the Berrys don't have living relatives, they left you, as her biological mother, custody. They asked that I talk to you about it and see if that's something you'd consider before bringing it up with Rachel. If it's not something you want there are other options, but you need to decide fairly quickly. Should you decline; other arrangements need to be made." She didn't know how to answer. Was she up for it? Could she handle Rachel? Did Rachel want this?

"Does Rachel know about the deaths?" She asked still dumbfounded.

"She was informed of their death, yes." He tried to catch her spacey gaze. "Do you think this is something you want?"

**So Shelby found out. I kind of liked this chapter. I hope you all did to. It's a longer chapter and I'm sick so I didn't check for mistakes; there's bound to be a few. I apologize to those it bothers. **

**Is there anything you guys would like to see happen? I can't promise I'll incorporate it, but if it fits with my vision, then I'll see what I can do.**

**I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	7. The Truth is Out There

Chapter 7: The Truth is Out There

Shelby didn't know what to do with the information she received. Her daughter had been living alone and in pain keeping this life altering secret all to herself. And there she was sitting in a lawyer's office being asked if she would accept custody of her daughter. What was she supposed to do with that? Then she thought, "If it's this hard for me to deal with, what about Rachel?" Poor Rachel. If Shelby only knew the half of it.

She remained at a loss for words. "What happens to Rachel if I can't?"

"Well, that's not up to me, but social services would have to be contacted and they'd probably place her with a foster family or in a group home. She could also choose to legally emancipate herself and live on her own." He looked up to Shelby with pleading eyes. Rachel was a good kid and she has been through enough; she didn't need this too. "I understand that this is an important decision, but a decision will need to be made soon. While I was only recently made aware of their passing, Rachel, I was told, was informed shortly after it happened. She is a minor, and I assume that she has been on her own since. I can't, in good conscious, ignore this knowledge." Still, no thoughts in her head were coherent. Would Rachel want any of this? Did that matter? She had to think of what was best for her daughter. Obviously Rachel was scared of being taken from her life, otherwise, she would have said something; to her friends at least. Either that, or she was living in denial. Shelby didn't know which made her feel worse.

"Where do I sign?" Larry handed her the papers, pointed to the several places in which she had to sign or initial, and by the time the papers were processed, Rachel would legally be hers. A part of her was happy that her daughter would be, her daughter, but the other part was scared. She just wished it were under better circumstances, and she hoped it would work out.

After some legal talk and some fancy wording, Shelby was on her way out. But where was she supposed to go? Was she supposed to go straight to Rachel? Was she supposed to go right up to her and pull her out of the lie she has been living? Or was she supposed to go home and get everything ready? What was she supposed to do? Motherhood was new to her. And the only experience she had was with a baby, not a grieving teenager.

She wasn't going to come up with the right answer standing, in the cold of October day, in the middle of a parking lot. Still at a loss, she decided to head home. She needed to hold Beth and collect her thoughts before she faced Rachel. An erratic Shelby wouldn't help her at all. Her daughter's life was completely turned upside down and she had no idea how to help. She was lost.

Shelby spent a few hours just staying close to Beth and figuring things out. She couldn't avoid Rachel any longer. But just thinking of the pain Rachel must be feeling made her heart break. After asking a friend to babysit, Shelby drove to Rachel's house, the home she was raised in. She couldn't bring herself to get out of the car. For a while, she just sat there. Eventually, she just did it. She had to make sure Rachel was ok, and being cowardly and hiding in her car wasn't going to help her do that.

Standing at the door, her hand was trembling. She was nervous, but she knew she had to do it. Hesitantly, she knocked. There was no answer. She tried again, and waited again. After ten minutes she began to worry. Looking around, she found a hideaway key inside the little statuette by the door and let herself in. It was oddly quiet and dark. It appeared no one was home.

When she entered, the first thing she did was feel for a light switch. Once she flipped it on, Shelby walked around the first floor. There was absolutely no sign of life. The house was meticulous, not a thing out of place, not a dish in the sink. It was too clean, too void of any interaction.

"Rachel?" She called from the bottom of the stairs. But there was no answer. Making her way up, she took notice of the stillness the place had. It was so sterile and, again, lifeless. "Rachel?" Again, no answer. Where was Rachel at such a late hour on a school night? Her car was there, so where was she? Shelby was worried to say the least. After a little exploration, checking each room for Rachel and finding nothing, she stumbled upon Rachel's room. It was the last room she had to check and she really hoped her daughter was in there. A part of her expected to find a peacefully sleeping Rachel, curled up in a mess of blankets. So she was disappointed when the door opened and the room was just as dark and empty as the rest of the house.

"Rachel?" She called for good measure before fully walking into the room. She was there, and she was curious, so she decided to look around. There was no snooping. While it wasn't beneath her, she didn't feel right looking through her daughter's things on such an occasion. But, just looking around without going through anything wasn't an issue. Finding the light, she could finally see the room her daughter grew up in. It was both as she expected it to be and totally unexpected at the same time.

It was way too put together to be a teenager's room. Except for a pile, of what appeared to be, new clothes in a box that said "Good Will" and a stack of sheet music that seemed to be blown off the desk because of the slightly open window, everything was alphabetized, organized, and neat. The bed was made. The next day's clothes were laid out next to her school supplies. Pajamas and a fresh towel were placed at the edge of the bed like she was getting ready to sleep, but never made it. So where was she? Satisfied with her look into Rachel's world, Shelby went back downstairs and sat in the living room. She'd wait for Rachel to come home. This had to be done.

Rachel, meanwhile, was out in the cold, running as fast as her aching body would allow. Her mind was racing when she was home. There were so many memories that, for the past few weeks, she had been trying to avoid, but they all kept coming back to her. It was just too much. So when the lack of sleep started to catch up to her, and she tried to go to bed early; when she lay on her bed and heard her father's quiet whispers and silenced giggling as they walked to their room when she knew they weren't really there, she decided she needed to go out for a while.

Sleep obviously wasn't an option. So she made her bed back up, slipped into something weather and exercise appropriate, and made her way out into the cold fall air. It was late for a week night, so most people were enjoying the warmth and comfort the indoors seemed to offer to so many. The streets were pretty empty and pretty dark; the only light illuminated from the dim streetlights and the bright rays of the full moon. She wasn't running at first. She really just wanted to get away, take a walk to clear her head, but she figured she wasn't going to sleep anyway; she might as well do something useful with her time.

Her body was telling her to stop. The throbbing in her head didn't help the building dizziness either. But she couldn't stop. She was only about two miles away from being home. Pushing herself made things worse. She tried to keep going, but each step pushed her closer to the edge of darkness. And, she couldn't allow herself to pass out in the middle of a residential street. Even as she sat on the curve, her vision slightly blurred from being on the brink of passing out, each labored breath burned in her chest. It was not a fun time. But once she was breathing better and could see fine, she got up and moved forward. She walked four miles before turning back, ran two before almost passing out, and walked two more to make it home.

Knowing full well that no one would be home to catch her coming in at such a late hour on a school night, no less, Rachel still opened the door as quietly as possible, shutting it in much the same manner. She walked into the kitchen, quickly getting a drink of water before returning to place her shoes by the door. She had yet to turn the light on, but when she did, she was in for a surprise. At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but as she walked deeper into the living room, she saw the back of someone's head. Who was in the house? How'd they get in? Should she be worried? It's not every day you come home to find some random person you may or may not know, chilling on your sofa.

All anxiety aside, Rachel slowly tip toed to the figure. She didn't know why they didn't say anything when she first came in. But she was quiet, so maybe they didn't hear her. Then she turned on the light and practically threw her shoes by the door. Still, they said nothing. They didn't even move. Obviously whoever it was wasn't there to rob the place. As she rounded the sofa, still trying to be as stealthy as possible, Rachel finally saw who it was. It was Shelby. It was her non-mom. What was she there for?

For a moment, Rachel just stood there and stared at a sleeping Shelby. She debated just picking up and leaving, but it was her house. Why should she leave? Shelby was the unwelcomed guest. "What are you doing here?" Rachel asked. Shelby didn't even stir. Now Rachel was slightly frustrated. She wasn't feeling great, she was freezing and sweating at the same time, her mind was going in every direction. She didn't want to deal with her too. "Hey!" She yelled, finally getting Shelby to jump.

"Rachel?" She said quietly, her voice still racked with sleep. "What time is it?"

"It's almost twelve. What are you doing here? How'd you even get in?" Shelby ignored her daughter's inquiries, instead trying to wake herself up and sit all the way up in the chair.

"I found the key." She finally replied to an unsatisfied Rachel. "Where have you been?" Rachel chose not to answer the question. It was her house; she didn't have to answer anything she asked.

"That would explain the how. What about the why? Why are you here Shelby?"

"Where have you been?" Shelby asked again, this time ignoring Rachel's questions.

"I went for a walk. Can you answer my question now?"

Now Shelby was nervous. How do you broach such a sensitive topic with such a strong, yet fragile, girl? "I'm here because of your dads."

Then it was Rachel's turn to be nervous. Did she know? How could she? Who would have told her? No one knew… right? "What about my dads?" That was the only question she could ask in hopes of getting an answer without giving away too much information.

Shelby could see Rachel's angry demeanor change to defeat when she mentioned her dads. She watched as her daughter became antsy and started fidgeting. "Rachel, we need to talk."

"I don't really want to talk to you. And even if I did, it's late. Don't you have a daughter to get home to?"

"Beth's fine Rachel. She's with a friend of mine." She stood up to be closer to Rachel and have a height advantage. "This is about you."

"What do you have to do with me? I thought you made it pretty clear that you didn't want me in your life. So again, I'll ask. Why are you here?"

"You know why I'm here."

"I don't believe I do, but I think you should leave now." Rachel began to walk away, but Shelby quickly grabbed her shrinking wrist. Luckily for Rachel, the boniness of her body couldn't be felt through the layers and layers of fabric.

"Rachel…" Tears were welling in Rachel's eyes. She knew then that Shelby knew. It was in her voice. One look into her eyes and you could see the pity. You could hear the forced empathy in her tone; forced in Rachel's ears anyway.

"You need to leave." Rachel said as she pulled her arm away and fumbled her way up the stairs. It wasn't the normal diva storm out she normally supplied. Shelby quickly followed only to get a door slammed in her face. Giving herself a second to calm down, trying to push down the Coach Corcoran attitude and remember that Rachel was grieving, she opened the door.

"Rachel, you can't keep pretending this didn't happen." Shelby looked around and didn't see Rachel or any of the clothes that were on her bed. She was talking to no one. She walked over to the bathroom door and heard the shower water running. She'd have to wait even longer. "Rachel, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be out here when you're done." And she would. She made sure the baby sitter knew it might be a while, possibly all night, before she returned. She was ok with that. So Beth was taken care of, now it was Rachel's turn.

It was a long twenty minutes before Rachel came out. And when she did, she looked tired. Her pale skin looked even paler in the dark color of the baggy pajamas that consumed her body. Unable to break from her normal routine, Rachel walked passed Shelby to her desk, and wrote down her current weight in the journal; she wrote in the other journal earlier. Then she moved to her bed and folded down the covers.

Shelby watched as she robotically followed some sort of weird routine and just looked at her trough worried eyes before speaking. "Rachel, sweetie, I'm so sorry." What else was she supposed to say? She was really at a loss.

Still not looking to Shelby, she responded, "Don't apologize. Don't be sorry. Just leave. I don't want you here. You shouldn't be here. This was their house and you have no right to be here." Rachel pulled the covers tighter against her body willing her mother away, willing sleep to just take her over and shut her mind off. Even if it was just for a little while, she needed some peace.

Instead, she cried. As silently and as motionlessly as she could, she cried. Shelby knew she was trying to hide it, but she heard the soft murmurs of her daughter's tears. Not knowing what else to do, Shelby made her way to the bed, her weight making the bed shift ever so slightly. Scooting closer, she laid next to her daughter until she was close enough to wrap an arm around her. "I know… they should be here and I'm sorry that they're not."

Rachel's sobs became louder. She couldn't hide it anymore. She tried to push away from Shelby's embrace. It worked the first few times, but Shelby wasn't giving up. She just embraced her tighter, holding her daughter as she cried and doing anything she could to comfort her. However, there wasn't much she could do besides being there and holding her. There were no more words exchanged; no shared glances either. Shelby just watched and listened to her crying, a few tears of her own slipping out as her heart broke for the little girl she saw in her arms. They stayed like that until the weeping stopped and Rachel's still wheezing breaths evened out. Even then, Shelby didn't move. They stayed like that all night long.

The next morning, Shelby woke up first. It was early, and they had a long night, so she decided to let Rachel sleep. More than that, she decided that she and Rachel wouldn't be going to school that day. After making a call to the school, she called and let the babysitter know the nanny would be there soon and to just check up on Beth. Shelby wanted to go see Beth. She wanted to be there when her little girl woke up and have breakfast with her like every day, but Rachel needed her then more than ever.

Shelby wanted to talk to Rachel. She wanted to know why she didn't tell anyone. She was fairly certain none of her friends knew. She wanted to know how she has been doing for the past few weeks. She really just wanted to make sure she was going to be ok. But she also wanted her to sleep. The girl looked like she hasn't been sleeping at all. Once she woke up though, they'd talk.

It was around eight when Rachel woke up. She was pulled from the dark and nonexistent dreamland by the sounds of her cell phone going off. Not opening her eyes, she stuck her hand out from under the blanket and searched the end table for her cell. It was a text from Puck. _Where you at Berry? _And there was another from Kurt. _Hey Diva, running late? _Where was she? She was at home. What time was it? She looked at her alarm clock and realized she was late for school. She couldn't be late for school. So, without bothering to respond, Rachel tried to get ready.

Sitting in the living room, Shelby could hear the pitter patter of rushed footsteps coming from the floor above her. Instantly, Shelby was on her feet and making her way up stairs. Standing just outside the door, she watched Rachel multitask, trying to brush her teeth, in her room no less, while putting some books into her back pack.

"Rachel/" Shelby called, trying to interrupt the process.

"Why didn't you wake me? I'm late for school. I can't be late."

"It's ok. You don't have to go to school today. I called the office and told them both you and I are taking the day off."

She stopped everything she was doing to face Shelby with an almost equally intimidating Corcoran glare. "What? Why would you do that? You had no right to do that."

"We need to talk. I figured this would be the only way to do it. And you needed the rest. When was the last time you slept through the entire night?" It was a serious question, one she didn't expect an answer to.

"I'm fine. And I don't need you."

"You're fathers thought you did."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

Shelby slowly made her way to the bed. She wanted the conversation to go well, but she didn't have high hopes. "Sit down Rachel." She patted the space on the bed next to her. "Please." She pleaded when Rachel didn't even start to move. "This is important Rachel. Please sit down.

Hesitantly, Rachel made her way to the bed, sure to sit as far away as the space would allow. "Fine. Tell me what you meant."

"First…" She turned to face Rachel, the softest, most compassionate look she ever had showing in her eyes. "Why didn't you tell anyone? You didn't have to be so alone." Didn't she? Wasn't she already alone? Whether or not her fathers were alive or dead, she was alone.

"It was easier this way." That was the closest thing to the full truth she could come up with. It was easier, but that's not why she did it. She felt she had to.

"I got a call yesterday." She decided to deal with that statement later. Maybe it'd give her some time to come up with an appropriate response. "It was from Larry Steinman; your fathers' lawyer." Rachel looked at her confused. What did her fathers' lawyer need with Shelby? Was she in the will or something?

"And?"

"They made a plan for you. They wanted to make sure someone was there to take care of you if something happened to them."

"Yeah, and who would do that? We don't have any family. We don't have anyone that would want to take me." Shelby didn't like the way Rachel was so down on herself. That wasn't the Rachel she thought she knew. But did she really know?

"There's me."

"You? And why would you do that? Aren't you the same person who made it very clear that I'm not the daughter you want? Aren't you the same woman who decided to adopt my ex-boyfriend's and his ex-girlfriend's baby? So why?" The animosity in her voice was getting to Shelby. She thought they were past some of those issues, that they were ok. Guess not…

"I was surprised when the lawyer called me. And even more so when he told me that they asked that I take custody of you after their death. But, as terrible as the circumstances are and as dumbfounded as I was, I'm grateful for the chance they're giving me… giving us."

Rachel sat there in stunned silence. Why would her fathers think it was a good idea to place her in _her_ care? Her whole world was turned upside down, and then it was just spinning off its axis. What was she supposed to do? She could run? But wasn't the whole point of everything to stay exactly where she was? "And if I don't want to, if I don't want you to take care of me?"

"I've already signed the papers. It's what they wanted. Don't you want to give them their last request?" That was a low blow. She knew that. And Rachel felt it. Using her dead fathers to make it easier on herself wasn't fair play, but it did work. "I know this is going to be hard. But you're going to come live with me. We'll paint one of the extra rooms and decorate it however you want. We'll make it your new home."

Rachel knew there was no other option. She'd have to do it, for them if nothing else. Maybe something good would come out of it. "It won't be my home, and you are not my mom. I'm only doing this because I don't think I have another choice."

Her words didn't exactly make Shelby hopeful, but she'd take what she could get. Unhappily, and fairly silently, the two spent the rest of the day packing up anything she'd need for the rest of the week. Anything she forgot, she could come and get as she needed until they packed up everything else.

After settling in at Shelby's and locking herself in her room, Rachel could finally be alone. None of anything went as she expected. She was definitely not supposed to end up with Shelby. Her dads weren't supposed to be dead. Nothing was right. The rest of the day and well into the night was spent in solitude, ignoring Shelby and her pestering to take solace in her journaling and simple routines. Around eight, however, she decided to check her phone. It was buzzing all day. She had tons of texts from Kurt and Noah. Even a few from Mercedes and Finn. She decided then that she needed to tell them. She sent Kurt a text.

_Come to Shelby's, there's a lot I need to tell you…_

**This chapter gave me trouble. There were many ways it could've gone, but I went with this. Next chapter will have more plot and move along a little. I'm still sick so I didn't check for mistakes; there's bound to be a few. I apologize to those it bothers. **

**Is there anything you guys would like to see happen? I can't promise I'll incorporate it, but if it fits with my vision, then I'll see what I can do.**

**I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	8. Everything Changes and All is the Same

Chapter 8: Everything Changes and All is the Same

After receiving that text, Kurt hesitantly made his way to the Corcoran residence. It wasn't every day that he was asked to go there, and he was pretty sure Shelby was terrifying enough as a teacher; he couldn't imagine what she'd be like out in the open where rules and codes of conduct were set at her discretion. But, as nervous as he was, his best friend asked him to go there, and that's what he did.

His anxiety and hesitation passed as soon as he saw a distraught Rachel locked away in a room, a room he later learned was her new bedroom. It took an hour for Rachel to tell him everything. And understanding, at least partially, what she was going through, Kurt didn't hesitate to comfort her. It was the first time he really saw Rachel cry genuine and heartfelt tears. He wanted nothing more than to make her feel better, but unfortunately, that wasn't an option. The only thing he could do was be there for her.

And he did his best. In between the body shaking sobs and the tight, comforting embraces, he offered small platitudes. There was an "Everything will be ok." There were a few "You'll get through this" thrown in for good measure. Nothing seemed to help, and he really didn't expect it to. But as useless as he felt, at least he was there for her. It took another hour, but she finally exhausted herself into a deep sleep. A part of Kurt didn't want to leave her, especially not alone in that house with people she neither knew nor felt comfortable with, but he really didn't have a choice. So, he left her behind sleeping as unpeacefully as one would expect, and made his way out.

"How is she?" He heard a woman ask as he was about to exit. Turning around, he came face o face with a woman who had the ability to scare even the toughest of men with a simple look.

"She's… sleeping." Anything other than that would have been a lie. Ok, fine, good… all of those were too far from the truth and he wasn't going to tell the girl's mother that she was anything but.

Shelby could tell he was holding back. She knew everything that Rachel so carefully bottled up was pouring over the surface. It had nowhere else to go but out. "Thank you for being here for her." She said quietly in a vulnerable way that Kurt would never have expected to come out of her mouth.

"Of course… She's my best friend. I'll always be here for her." They shared a simple look, one that spoke volumes. It clearly showed that both had an amazing amount of empathy for Rachel and were going to do whatever they could to get her through.

For Kurt, that meant telling everyone the news. Per Rachel's request, he was going to answer the one question they knew everyone would ask. Where is Rachel Berry? With Shelby's permission, Rachel took the next day, Wednesday, off as well. Shelby went into work and gave Rachel her space. Throughout the day, Kurt fielded all the questions. Some of them showed genuine concern. People like Puck, Mercedes, Brittany, and even Quinn were all worried that Rachel missed not one, but two days of school, and more importantly, glee. Others just cared that she wasn't there for rehearsal when Sectionals was only a few weeks away.

He decided early that he would answer everyone's questions and tell them everything he knew once they were all together. So when glee came around that's exactly what he did. Once everyone arrived, Shelby and Will included, he started. He told everyone that Rachel's fathers had passed away in a car accident overseas, that it didn't just happen, but she's only just dealing with it, and that she was now living with Ms. Corcoran. He couldn't tell what surprised them most. Honestly, he didn't know what shocked him most either. Was it that her fathers, men he never met, were dead, or that the mother that basically told her they would never have a relationship now had custody of her and were living under the same roof?

Both were their own form of conundrum. It seemed everything surrounding Rachel carried some sort of enigma. He could sense that behind her perfect veneer, Rachel Berry was hiding something. Not all was right in the land of Berry and it went deeper and further back than the death of her fathers. Nevertheless, Kurt's job was done. Her requests were fulfilled, and the group knew everything. Together, they all agreed to keep an eye on Rachel. They'd all try their hardest to be on their best behavior and refrain from names and unnecessary comments. It would be harder for some more than others, but they'd try nonetheless.

Shelby watched and listened as Kurt explained to the group what happened. It hit her that her daughter had barely strung a few sentences together to talk to her, but she went into a long detailed conversation with Kurt. She was hurt, but she couldn't really blame Rachel. She hasn't exactly been there or even put forth much effort to try with her. But she wanted to try now. That had to count for something. There was no making up for the past, but she was willing to do whatever to make Rachel comfortable in the house they shared. She wanted her to feel at home. It was all going to work out.

Glee practice went on like nothing happened; nothing changed. People were acting a little strange, but they were teenagers after all; that's supposed to happen. When Shelby went home that night, she attempted to get Rachel to talk to her. As expected, the conversation didn't exactly go as planned, or very well at all.

"Rachel, sweetie… Will you please come out of your room? I made dinner." Shelby continued to knock on the locked door. Rachel refused to open it.

"I'm not hungry."

"Will you at least come out of your room for a little while? You barely left it at all the past two days." Shelby knocked again when she received no answer, not even the slightest of sounds. "Come on Rachel. Please." After about a minute, a click came from the door, and knob turned. Dressed in workout gear, Rachel stood in front of her mother.

"Happy now? I left the room." She started passed Shelby only to be stopped.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going for a walk. I need some air." Before Shelby even had a chance to respond, Rachel was rushing down the stairs. Standing by the top of the staircase, she could hear the boom of the door slamming shut, followed by the innocent cries of a frightened child. Shelby didn't know what she did wrong. She chalked it up to a mix of grief and her lack of adjusting.

Rachel was gone for a good three hours. During that time she thought about her day. While Shelby was at work, Rachel went on one of her binges. Shelby had a surprisingly well stocked pantry of vegan food just for Rachel. At least she knew to buy that. That was something. When her binge was over and her jaw hurt from all the chewing, she immediately ran to the bathroom to follow her routine. It all helped some. The purging process was purifying. It made her forget everything for just a little while. When she repeated the process she felt even better. But the high of it all quickly faded and she was pulled back to the reality that is her life.

She didn't have her elliptical with her at Shelby's and she didn't feel at home enough to look through the house for a gym or any equipment. So pacing in her room, she settled on whatever exercise she could do from her room. It wasn't enough. She needed to go running, but she didn't want to face the outside world yet; not during school hours at least. She didn't want, or need, to be seen and have more gossip than she was expecting being spread around when she returned to school the next day. But when she heard Shelby at her door, knocking and telling her to come out, she knew she had to get out. It was time for her run. It was a matter of both physical necessity and mental well being. Life or death…

Exhaustion took over as she reached the house. She pushed herself as hard as she could, running at the fastest pace she could manage. Her body felt on the verge of a blackout several times. Water was a must. But as she was running, even when her body screamed for her to stop, she had to keep going. She needed it. The pain it caused felt good. It helped her forget everything. It was only second to the other ritual she followed. But when she got home, she could barely keep her eyes open. She didn't grab a water bottle when she left, and the amount of moisture on her clothes led her to believe she emitted a lot of sweat. She was definitely dehydrated. Pushing passed Shelby when she came in the house, she quickly ran into the kitchen, grabbed a drink, and ran up to her room.

It didn't take long for the dark to take over. But a soft knock on the door, not ten minutes later, pulled her from her light headed dreamland. She, however, didn't have the energy to respond, never mind move. Shelby took her lack of answer as a sign to enter freely. It wasn't early, but only minutes had passed since her return, so she didn't expect Rachel to be sleeping, so she came in talking.

"Rachel, you can't just leave the house without telling me where you're going and come back at ten at night acting like you didn't do anything wrong." That's when she saw a _sleeping_ Rachel plopped on her bed, shoes still on, in a spread eagle position. Slowly, trying not to wake the sleeping girl, she approached the bed. Keeping her eyes shut to keep the role of sleeping girl alive, Rachel listened to her mother talk as she removed her shoes. "You look so peaceful when you sleep. I wish you would talk to me. I want to be here for you." If Rachel weren't pretending to sleep she would have scoffed. Her mother didn't care, she never did. The only reason she cared then was because she felt pity. Poor Rachel lost her parents and got dropped off, unwontedly, on her unsuspecting biological mother's doorstep. Yeah, she really wanted her there. "I'm sorry for everything you're going through, but I'll be here when you're ready." Shelby took the throw blanket from the end of the bed and tucked Rachel in. She finished by approaching the head of the bed, placing a kiss on Rachel's forehead, and saying, "Goodnight baby girl. Sleep tight."

Hearing her mother's descending footsteps, Rachel whispered, "Goodnight."

When she returned to school, things were definitely different. Most people avoided her for the simple fact that they didn't know how to act around her. But she didn't mind that. The invisible thing worked for her. Even the slushy wielding jocks stayed away. So that was a benefit. And those that did dare to be in her company just acted strangely. Except for Kurt and Puck, people treated her like a leper. Santana actually censored herself. Quinn was flipping back and forth between avoiding eye contact and apologizing for past wrongdoings. The "I'm sorry"s she received was overwhelming. And it didn't help that she felt them to be less than genuine. No one could blame her for that. None of those people were ever really nice to her. Why should that change just because she was going through a hard time? She was going through a hard time before that too.

Halloween came and went. All her friends went to big Halloween bashes and trick or treating in Carmel where the rich folk gave out full candy bars. Rachel wasn't having it. She was actually invited to everything, but she opted for ritual instead. Shelby was a little disappointed that she didn't want to join her and Beth on their first real trick or treat experience, but she understood. Rachel hadn't spent any time with her new sister and she just wasn't ready for that yet. So while the Corcorans were out around town, and her friends were having a great time, Rachel was doing her own thing; the only thing that could free her of any emotion and make her feel even the least bit better. She decided to use the alone time to binge, purge, and torture her body with a round of an excruciatingly painful cardio regimen.

The rest of Halloween week went much like the week before. It was getting better, but people were still behaving oddly. She was grateful for the lack of slushy facials, and only being called six or seven names a day was an improvement, but she almost preferred things the way they were. At least that was real. This, whatever it was, while it should've made her feel better, was nothing. It was like living in a fantasy land where things were actually better and the world didn't hate her as much. But as soon as people stopped thinking of her as a broken China doll in the process of being glued back together, everything would go back to the way it was. The rug would be pulled out from under her and the fall would be even greater. She didn't know if she could deal with that. Everything seemed to be different, but it was all still the same. She needed to either live in the constant fairytale where things were great and dandy all the time or she needed to live in the sucky world she called reality and just deal with it. She almost preferred the latter.

That Saturday, things started to change. Shelby gave Rachel enough space and time. She wasn't going to push her into anything, but she wasn't going to allow Rachel to run wild any longer. There were rules that she had to follow. Grieving or not, that was the way things were.

Rachel spent most of the time in her room. She'd write in her journal for hours avoiding all contact with the outside world. The only time she'd leave the room was for her daily run and binge sessions. Shelby decided not to enforce it at first, but she wanted Rachel to eat dinner with her and Beth. It was part of being a family after all. She allowed Rachel to do her own thing for awhile, but that was something she needed to start enforcing. It would help her to get to know her daughter, and it would give Rachel a chance to get to know Beth. That was something she wanted too. She wanted Rachel and Beth to be like real sisters, but that's pretty impossible when, with the exception of a forced meet and greet full of uncomfortable introductions and small talk, she didn't go near the toddler. So that Saturday, she was setting down the ground rules.

"Rachel, it's time for dinner." Shelby called from the bottom of the staircase.

"I'm not hungry." Rachel yelled back.

"I don't care Rachel. Come down here now or I'll come up there and drag you down myself." Not wanting to deal with that side of Shelby unless absolutely unavoidable, Rachel unhappily made her way to the dining room table.

"Nice to see you Rachel." She said sarcastically.

"Whatever." She mumbled in a manner in which she obviously didn't want Shelby to hear.

"Rachel, please… No attitude. I just want to enjoy a nice dinner with both of my girls." Rachel really wanted to say something, but she controlled herself. But really, she was her girl all of a sudden? Where was that mentality when she pushed Rachel away?

"Why? You never made me eat with you before. Why now?"

"I've been pretty lenient with you. You haven't been getting into trouble for just leaving for hours at a time not telling me where you're going or when you'll be back. I haven't yelled at you for coming home after the curfew I set. I understand that life is hard right now, but it's time to set some rules." Rachel just sat there for a moment giving a look that was a cross between a pout and anger. She didn't want to have Shelby's rules. She wanted to be in her own home doing whatever, whenever, like she used to.

"So… What are the rules?" There was a slight attitude, but Shelby let it slide. That was the most they talked in weeks and she wanted the conversation to continue.

"Curfew is ten on weeknights and all of your homework has to be done before you go out."

"Ok."

"Eleven on weekends unless you ask and I agree. Put if you go out with friends I need to know where you are and what you'll be doing." There was an eye roll that Shelby decided to pretend she didn't see.

"I guess that's reasonable."

"Good." Maybe they were getting somewhere. At least there wasn't any fighting. "We will be having dinner together every night. Without my permission to do otherwise, I expect you to be down for dinner and set the table by six." That Rachel didn't like. She would be forced to eat. She didn't like that at all. Would she be able to handle that?

After releasing a deep sigh, Rachel said, "Do I have a choice?"

"No. Dinner, just like this, every day at six."

"Fine."

"Ok." Shelby said while standing up from her seat. "Fill the glasses while I get the food from the oven." Rachel would give Shelby some credit. She was trying. She'd even made vegan vegetable lasagna for dinner. And while all Rachel could see was the number of calories she had on her plate and the amount of carbs she'd be consuming, at least she was trying.

They talked a little. The topic of school was brought up. Shelby wanted to know about Rachel's classes and her grades. Then they moved onto the torrential rain they were experiencing. School and the weather, basically small talk, seemed like safe bets. Then Shelby curiously watched Rachel push around her food and cutting it into small pieces. "You're not eating."

"I said I wasn't that hungry."

"For that past few weeks you haven't been eating very much." Technically, that wasn't true. She'd eaten a ton of food; she just over compensated with exercise and threw up as much as she possibly could. "You've been losing weight." Hearing that was like music to her ears. It made her happy to know she was visibly thinner. She knew she didn't look sick. She was a little boney, yes… not that she'd ever actually admit that. When she looked in the mirror, she only saw that flab and horrible things about herself reflected back. Nothing was sunk in and she still looked human, so no one would assume anything was wrong. If anything, they'd think she took a diet to far, but Rachel didn't think it would ever come to that. She was still to obese. "It's not healthy for a growing girl, such as yourself, to not eat. So eat up." Rachel decided to placate her mother. It was the best option and the faster she ate, the faster she could submit her deposit to the porcelain bank.

After eating as quickly as possible, making it look like she ate half of the plate when in reality it was just a few bites and a lot of cut and smashed other pieces scrambled around, Rachel began to get antsy. The day's insecurities, the reminders of everything bad in her life… Everything was back in her head and she needed to get it out. "Can I be excused now?"

"No, everyone stays at the table until we're all done. And you should really eat more."She noticed the glare she was receiving from Rachel. "Just a few more bites… Please?"

Placating her mother was beginning to be a pain in her ass. She couldn't eat anymore. The calories were being absorbed. Pounds and pounds of fat were being added to her body with each passing second. She needed the bathroom. She needed to feel the freedom that came from the simple act of two fingers being shoved down her throat and the endorphin high that followed. "Please, can I go now?" Her foot was bouncing. She was like an addict fixing for a high. She needed to go. Why wouldn't she let her go?

"Rachel, didn't I just say you couldn't until everyone was done? I just have to finish feeding Beth and then you're free to go." It didn't seem fair. Rachel couldn't allow it. She couldn't just sit there.

"Please, I really need to go to the bathroom."

"No Rachel. You can hold it." But she really couldn't. So when Shelby turned away, Rachel bolted to her room, turned o the water to cover the sounds of her much needed liberation. Wiping her face and shutting off the water, she could hear Shelby rushing up the stairs.

"Rachel, what the hell was that?" She couldn't think of an excuse. She couldn't even process what her mother was saying. The only thing on her mind was that purging wasn't enough. Too much had been absorbed. She needed to expel it. "Rachel… Rachel are you even listening to me?"

Rachel just looked at her with anxious, confused eyes, "I have to go." That was all she said before grabbing her shoes and bolting from the house. It didn't matter to her that the temperatures were cold and the rain was flowing like dam broke and released all of its contents over Ohio. She just needed to run. And that's what she did. She ran and left a bewildered Shelby behind.

She didn't know what happened. They were doing just fine. They managed to have a civil conversation. There was no yelling or arguing, put something must have happened. What set her off? Surely it had to be more than the refusal to let her leave the table before everyone was done eating.

Hours had passed. It was dark and getting late; later than weekend curfew. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know where to even begin looking. She didn't really know much about Rachel's favorite places. Where would she go in the pouring rain? So Shelby called the only person she could think to help.

**I'm sorry this chapter wasn't uploaded in my usually timely manner. I've basically been in a coma the past few days. I've done nothing but lie in bed and read if I felt up to it. My voice is gone and I was feeling a little better so I wrote this. I wanted to get the chapter out so I didn't proof read or edit at all. Sorry for the mistakes I'm sure I made. **

**Enjoy the chapter. I hope you like it.**

**Again, if there's something you want to happen, let me know and I'll do what I can. I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	9. Losing Balance on Even Ground

Chapter 9: Losing Balance on Even Ground

With a sleepy and cranky Beth in one hand, her cell in the other, Shelby was doing her best to get a hold on the situation. Dialing a friend's number, she waited through the ringing for an answer. "Come on, pick up." She said to herself. Finally, after what felt like forever, she received an answer.

"Shelby?"

"Hi Will. I know this seems out of the blue and it's late, but I need your help."

Sensing the worry and slight panic in her voice, Will didn't hesitate to comply before asking the obvious question. "Sure Shelby. What's going on?" Her pacing increased. The heels of her pumps were close to leaving scuff marks on the floor from the constant movement.

"Rachel and I… I don't know. It wasn't really a fight or an argument, but she stormed out. She has been gone for hours and it's raining and I don't know what to do or where she is. I was going to call her cell phone but I realized I don't even have the number. What kind of mom doesn't even have her daughter's number? Then I thought about calling her friends. Kurt might know where she is, or some of the other glee kids, but I don't have their numbers and I left the glee contact sheet at school."

"Shelby breathe. It's going to be ok. Why don't I give Kurt a call and I'll give you Rachel's number? Shelby began to calm a little. Her blood pressure was definitely decreasing.

"Ok. I'm calm." Once Will agreed that she was indeed calm, he passed along Rachel's number.

"I'm going to call Kurt, you call Rachel, and we'll let each other know what we find out. Does that work for you?"

"Yes. Thank you Will."

"Of course Shelby."

As soon as they hung up, they both made their respective phone calls. Shelby must've called Rachel's number at least a dozen times. Each time it went straight to voicemail. But, Rachel wouldn't be getting any of those calls anytime soon. When she made her hasty exit, she neglected to grab much of anything. Her cell phone was in her room, resting in silent mode on her night stand. She left in such haste that she didn't even grab a jacket. She left with a hoodie, but that was quickly drenched by the abundance of rain.

Leaving the house, she went as far as her feet would take her. Her mother wouldn't let her do her ritual… Her mother interrupted her cycle. Because of her she had to get out, she had to run and push until everything was gone again; until she was empty. It was necessary, like breathing. The compulsion, the need, it all just took over and made her bolt. If she were more reasonable, she would've asked to leave, apologized for not listening, and maybe even pretended to enjoy their conversation. But at the time, she wasn't reasonable. There was nothing rational about her state of mind, but she didn't see that.

The only thing she could see was the need to keep going. She had to push through the pain in her joints and the aches in her muscles to make up for the day's prolonged intake. Eventually, her body just couldn't endure anymore. Running was just too much stress for her body to take. But somehow, she ended up at the outskirts of Lima in a little park that always made her feel safe. It wasn't Roosevelt Park and it didn't have the scenery the botanical gardens offered, but it was dark and the pathway provided a safe haven to keep moving. She couldn't run, her body wouldn't let her, but she could walk. And that's what she'd do. She'd just keep walking, power walking.

But the slowing of her pace allowed her to feel more than she bargained for. She finally felt the rain hitting her skin and the trembling of her hands. It was colder than she anticipated, but it was November after all. The strong winds making contact made her skin burn. Everything was so cold, but she couldn't stop. Moving meant burning more calories, burning more calories meant that the day didn't set her back too much. Honestly though, she didn't know how much longer she could go. Her body felt heavy, shaking from the shivers stopped, and she felt like each step was one step closer into never again. She never experienced that feeling.

As sick as it sounded she liked it. After all the pain and the cold and the heaviness went away, she felt nothing. She felt light and free like with each step she was moving into oblivion and the happy freedom that came along with it.

As Rachel paraded around dealing with her demons, Shelby was still worried sick. She talked to Will who said he called Kurt, who then talked to a few other glee kids who might know where she was. It wasn't much, but he promised they'd find her. All she could do was call Rachel's phone over and over.

"Damn it Rachel. Answer your stupid phone!" She was angry and worried, just overall stressed. She never had to deal with an emotional teenage daughter and she really didn't know what to expect. But she wasn't expecting that. It was just after midnight and still no word on Rachel. Just then her phone began to ring. "Rachel?" She answered hoping for the best.

"No, sorry Ms. Corcoran. It's just Kurt."

"Hello Kurt. Did you hear anything from Rachel?"

"I was calling to ask you. Puck said he might know where she went though. So hopefully we'll hear from him soon."

"Hopefully." She paused a moment. She was a little confused. Were Puck and Rachel close? Oh, god, was she having sex with her sister's father? Shelby couldn't allow her mind to go there. Rachel was a good girl, and she just wasn't going to let her mind go there. "What about Finn? Does he have any ideas as to her whereabouts?"

"No, sorry. But I had him go with me to her fathers' house and she wasn't there. The place looks pretty empty. It's weird seeing it like that." The house! Why didn't she think about that? That should have been the first place she thought to look.

"I know. Thanks for letting me know about Puck Kurt. I'll make sure Rachel let's you know that she's safe and grounded when she gets home. But it's late and you should probably get to bed. Goodnight Kurt."

"Goodnight Ms. Corcoran." When she hung up the phone, she didn't feel any better. Her daughter was still wandering about the streets in the middle of a rainstorm on a cold November night. That didn't exactly make things seem any better. But at least she could call Puck and see what he knew.

It took three rings before he picked up. "Hello?"

"Noah, it's Shelby. Kurt told me you might know where Rachel is."

"Yeah, I have an idea. I'm actually just pulling into the parking lot now. I'll call you as soon as I know something."

"You better Noah. And if she's there, tell her she is in so much trouble and to never do this again." Puck let out a small chuckle before both parties ended the call.

Puck pulled into the empty parking lot and quickly looked around before exiting the car. Even with the street lights and the lights scattered throughout the park, he really couldn't see much. So grabbing the extra rain coat and flashlight, he decided to go look around. First he checked the playground. Swings, Rachel loved the swings. That he remembered. But she wasn't there. And why would she be? It was pouring rain. Who swings in the rain? Then again, who takes off in the middle of a rainstorm to go to a park?

Questions aside, Puck made his way through the park. There were a few other places she liked to hang out after a bad day. And he assumed, after running out on her mother and walking around in that weather, that the day would qualify as bad. But she wasn't in any of those places. She wasn't sitting on the rocks they would sit on to get a nice view of the park while away from the foot traffic and playing kids. She wasn't at the picnic area that the glee kids went once for some group bonding. She just wasn't at any of the normal places. But that's when he saw her. Rachel, with her hands wrapped around her chest gripping to create as much heat as possible, was walking around, jacketless and cold.

The first thing he did when he saw her was call her name. But she was either too far away or too zoned out to hear him. "Rachel!" He called again, still receiving no response, not even a flinch from her tired looking body. Instead of trying again, and failing another time, Puck began moving closer, making the gap between the two smaller. When he was finally near her, he could see that she wasn't ok. She seemed lost like a little puppy that strayed from its mother.

"Rachel…" He said making his way over to her and putting his hands on her shoulder in hopes of getting her attention. Instead, he got the icy feeling of the water against her skin. "Geez, you're freezing."

"Noah? What are you doing here?" She looked up at him confused.

Taking the extra coat from his hands and wrapping it around Rachel's shoulders, Puck said, "Me? What are you doing here? Why are you walking around in the rain?"

"I needed to get out of there. I just had to." Not really understanding what was so urgent, Puck just tried to nudge her toward the car. She was soaked and, from what he felt, freezing. Not to mention that she looked pale and sickly. She shouldn't stay in the rain any longer.

"It's ok Rachel. Come on. Let's get to the car and get you warm. Then we can talk." Puck began walking at a faster pace unknowingly leaving Rachel behind. She tried to keep up, but the lightheadedness was winning over the rest of her body. She tried to move faster, she tried pausing for a breather; she even tried taking long deep breaths. Even that didn't help. Nothing helped. It all just made things worse.

"Noah." She said barely audible and not much more than a whisper. "Noah!" She called again. That time a little louder. Puck immediately turned to face her. He didn't like what he saw. All the color was drained from Rachel's face. Her body looked hunched and weak. He made his way over to her as quickly as possible.

"Rachel? What's wrong?" She didn't answer, she couldn't. "Rachel?" He went closer watching the scene unfold before him. In front of him stood an unsteady Rachel Berry. She took a wobbly step, trying to keep her balance. Instead, the step just made her tumble down. Rapidly approaching the ground, her fall was broken by the sharp pain of her head hitting the hard corner of the stone bench. "Rachel!" He yelled, quickly running to her side. By the time he was next to her, she was unconscious and unresponsive.

Doing the only thing he knew to do, he scooped her into his arms, one supporting her head and neck, the other resting under her knees, and carried her to the car. He knew she was still breathing and her pulse seemed strong. At least, he thought. From what he understood, those were good things. But, he needed to be sure and he didn't want to wait for an ambulance, so he decided to drive her to the hospital himself.

After resting a nearly lifeless Rachel in the passenger's and buckling her in, for safety, he quickly jumped into the driver's seat and rushed across town to the hospital. He didn't know what was wrong with her, but he was definitely scared. That was not how he pictured finding Rachel. He expected a confrontation, the normal overdramatic Ms. Berry. What he got was nothing close.

Every two seconds he looked over to her and checked to make sure she was still breathing. And even when he saw she was, he still worried. What the hell happened? All he could think was that she had to be alright. He wasn't going to be responsible for not getting Rachel the help she needed. He didn't need that on his conscience. No, he very well couldn't be responsible for the death of Rachel Berry. So if he had to take his eyes off the road every few seconds to look at her and make sure she was, in fact, still part of this world, then that was what he had to do. There were no exceptions.

When they arrived at the hospital, Rachel was still out. As quickly as he could, he lifted her into his arms and practically ran into the hospital. A nurse immediately went up to him seeing the girl in his hands and assuming she was in need of medical care. After calling over a doctor to assist and having Rachel placed onto a gurney, they all disappeared behind the Emergency Room doors. Puck tried to follow as well, but upon entering, he quickly got a swift kick in the butt out of there.

"Sorry sir, but no one but hospital personnel are allowed past this point." Obviously, he wasn't the first to try and get back there, but knowing that wasn't exactly comforting. He wasn't used to being the responsible type. And like the thousands of other lost souls that passed through that room, standing in the very spot he was, all he could do was wait. He felt helpless. At least when she was with him, he could check to make sure she was breathing; he was helping her. But waiting in the waiting room, he couldn't do anything for her. He knew he should call Shelby, but that would require coherent thoughts and his mind wasn't exactly forming those.

It didn't take long for the nurse to come back out. She told him they were running tests, but she needed to ask a few questions. He answered everything he could. They needed her name, age, and all the basics. Those were easy enough. When he asked how Rachel was doing, the woman just gave the same stale statement she gave just moments earlier.

"They're running tests." Legally, she couldn't tell him how she was. He wasn't family and there was the whole patient confidentiality clause that came with the job. So she watched him slump back into the uncomfortable hospital chair and decided to just proceed. "Can you tell me what happened?" Puck actually had to think about this question. In all his worry he seemed to forget everything that did happen.

"She was in the park. She was soaking wet so I put a jacket on her and tried to get her to leave with me. I must've gotten ahead of her and then she called out my name. Next thing I know, she hit her head on the bench and wouldn't wake up."

"Was she conscious right after?"

"No… She... She hadn't woken up at all. Not even on the ride here."

"Ok." The nurse said as she scribbled the rest of the information on the chart. "Do you know how to get in contact with her family?" He really didn't want to call Shelby, but he nodded to the nurse and pulled out his phone, but before proceeding, he just had to ask.

"Is she going to be alright?" The woman had sympathy for him. His friend was hurt and he didn't know what was going on. It was obvious he cared. She had to tell him something.

"We think she'll be fine. Right now, it looks like she has a concussion and is dehydrated and a little cold. We're running tests to make sure it's nothing more."

"Ok, thank you for telling me." Puck suddenly grew manners. Knowing she helped the boy as much as she could, the nurse left an unsettled Puck behind and went to see about Rachel .That left Puck to make the call he was dreading. Shelby needed to know. Using the phone in his hand, he dialed the number; the number he used to talk to the mother of his only child. But it was a necessity, and he knew it.

"Hello? Noah?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Did you find Rachel? Where is she? Is she ok? Can I talk to her?" There was both panic and slight relief in her voice. She assumed the call was good news; that he found Rachel and was in the process of convincing her to come home. Then she thought that call could very well be bad news and he may not have found her at all. Maybe he was giving up and calling it a night.

"I found her." Pure relief flooded her body.

"Where was she?"

"I found her in the park…" He was about to add the dreaded but into the sentence, but she decided to interrupt instead.

"What the hell was she doing there?"

"Ms. Corcoran."

"She had me worried sick. When she gets home she is so grounded." She was about to continue when Puck finally got her attention.

"Shelby!" Silence fell over the phone. Shelby knew something was off. Something had to be wrong.

"What is it? What happened?"

"Don't panic."

"You can't start off a sentence with don't panic and expect the person not to panic. What happened Noah?"

"I'm with Rachel and the doctors say she should be fine."

"Doctors? What's going on? Is she hurt? What happened?"

"She fell. She hit her head. We're at the hospital now." Shelby began rushing around the house looking for her keys.

"You should have called me right away. It's the middle of the night so I have to get Beth up and I'll be right there. If **anything** happens before I get there, you better call me right away."

"Yes ma'am." He said before they both hug up. Shelby quickly took Beth from her crib, careful not to wake her, and wrapped her in a blanket before rushing to the hospital. She wasn't expecting the night to turn out like that. If anything, she expected Rachel to storm into the house with an attitude, where Shelby would proceed with the yelling, and then they'd have a battle of the wits until the police showed up because of a noise complaint. It seemed plausible given both of their stubborn nature. Neither would have conceded easily.

Although it felt like it took forever, it didn't take long for Shelby to arrive at the hospital, rushing through the automatic doors with her sleeping toddler snuggled in her arms. She didn't bother looking around, instead opting to power right to the nurse's station. Her impatience rose as she waited for the woman behind the desk to get off the phone.

"Excuse me."

"One second ma'am." That pushed Shelby over the edge. She needed information about Rachel and she needed it right away.

"I'm here about my daughter. Could you please get off the phone and tell me how she is?" Still, the woman didn't answer and Shelby couldn't take it. She let out a deep sigh and was about to ask the woman again when she felt a gentle tap on her shoulder and turned around. "Oh, Noah. Have the doctor's said anymore?"

"They won't tell me anything because I'm not family." Puck escorted her to the chairs in the waiting room. He just stared at his sleeping daughter and thought about how beautiful she was and how content she seemed in Shelby's arms. He and Quinn made the right decision. Doing the same as Puck, staring at Beth, all Shelby could think was that at least she knew one of her daughters was safe. Just then a doctor approached them. He asked if they were family and once he received confirmation from Shelby, he told them about her condition. Apparently, Rachel was suffering from dehydration and low blood pressure which they believed caused her to faint and subsequently hit her head. The good news was that Rachel was conscious and with a little rest she should be fine. But hearing everything just left her with more questions.

"There are some things I'd like to discuss with you."

"Can it wait? I'd really like to see my daughter now."

"Why don't we discuss a few concerns and I'll take you there now?" Before following the doctor, Shelby turned to Puck and kindly asked him to watch Beth. He was more than happy to do so; any chance to spend time with Beth. On the way, they talked about a few things. He had asked if Rachel had been sick as of late and whether she has been eating normally. Noticing the questioning look on her face, he told her that Rachel looked rather thin and that if she was over dieting, over exercising, or abusing diuretics, it would account for both the dehydration and low blood pressure. Same could be said for excessive vomiting. When she responded by explaining about the recent death of her fathers and that she hasn't been eating well for the past, probably, month since, he quickly said that needed to change and he'd be back later to check on Rachel and talk further if necessary.

Soon, the doctor parted and Shelby was in Rachel's room. Rachel looked weak and pale lying in the bed adorned in a hospital gown and attached to an IV and monitors. Her body looked so small buried under the horribly tacky sheets. Rachel didn't bother to look towards the door when it opened. It was either Puck, and she was too embarrassed to see him, or it was her mother and she just didn't want to deal with that. The wall seemed like the best choice for company.

"Hey Rachel; how are you feeling?" Shelby approached the bed and sat in the chair next to it. Rachel knew she couldn't ignore her, so she turned to face her. As she did, she tried to sit up and immediately winced at the pain in her head. Shelby didn't miss it, but she wasn't going to state the obvious.

"I'm fine. Can we just leave? I don't want to be here."

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Of course I do. I fell and hit my head."

"Do you know why you fell?"

"I tripped." Lying seemed best. Saying she was dizzy and passed out like she had several times before didn't seem like a good idea. It would only make things worse. When in doubt… lie your ass off.

"The doctors believe you fainted from dehydration."

"Well, then that was an unnecessary question; there's your answer. Why ask the question you know the answer to?"

"I needed to hear what you had to say."

"You mean you were testing me, to see if I gave the appropriate answer?"

"No… That's not it at all." Shelby scooted the chair closer before beginning her questioning. She was worried about her daughter. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe the doctor's concerns weren't warranted. Rachel was going through a hard time and grief tends to take a toll on appetite. There could be a dozen reasons for what happened. She just needed to know which one it was. "Have you been feeling sick lately? Maybe throwing up? Or have you been exercising more than normal?" All three applied to Rachel. Panic set in. Was her secret uncovered? How was that even possible? She was careful, she knew she was.

"Why do you ask?" She was trying to avoid or at least stall answering the question.

"Those things can cause your dehydration and low blood pressure. I know you haven't been eating much lately and that's understandable, but if there's something more, I need to know about it." _Think Rachel, think. Lie Rachel, lie!_

"I haven't been feeling great. I've experienced some nausea and it increases when I eat too much. That's why I ran to my room after eating." Two birds, one stone… "I'm sorry. I guess that compiled with my storming out and running around in the rain both contributed to my current state in which I find myself."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"There was and still is nothing to tell. As you can see, I'm perfectly fine." At least she would be once she was out of there and in her room, her secret still safe hidden away in a box under her bed.

"Look where you are. You're not fine." She had a point, not one Rachel would let change anything, but there was a valid point there.

"Ok, then I'm better now." Shelby stood and gave a stern look to Rachel. There were so many things they needed to talk about, so many questions they needed to ask, but Shelby knew she wasn't going to get anywhere with Rachel at that time. And it's kind of mean to interrogate a girl in a hospital bed, not that, that ever would have stopped Shelby before.

"I'm going to go to the waiting room and get Beth from Noah after checking with the doctor. But then I'll be back."

"Do I get to leave soon?"

"The doctor wants to keep you here for observation and to give you fluids, so no."

"Then you should just take Beth and go home. You don't need to be here." Shelby didn't like that idea. That was where she needed to be.

"Yes I should be here. You're my daughter and you're hurt and in the hospital. There's nowhere else I should be." Rachel couldn't help but feel she was only her daughter when it was convenient, when it could be used to some kind of advantage. But Rachel didn't want her there. She had enough of the questions for a while.

You should take Beth home so she could be in her own bed. I don't need you here." The last few words stung.

"Fine. After I'll tell Noah that you're doing better and send him home, then I'll come back and check on you before I go."

"No, don't check on me. But can you ask Noah to come in here before he leaves please? I need to talk to him." Shelby gave a solemn nod before exiting the room and leaving Rachel behind. She didn't want to leave, but she felt it best to respect her wishes for now. She wouldn't be walking on egg shells with Rachel forever, but at the time, given their location and the situation, it would do.

**I'm finally feeling better! So yay for me and thanks for all the well wishes. Sorry for any mistakes of the Grammatical and spelling kind that I may have made and probably did make.**

**Enjoy the chapter. I hope you like it. Rachel's issues are starting to be uncovered, but the storm always gets worse before it gets better… **

**I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	10. All Better

Chapter 10: All Better

Unhappily, Shelby listened to Rachel's request. Deciding that, after the nurse told her he was with a patient and it would be a while, the doctor could wait until morning, Shelby made her way to the waiting room. She found Noah holding Beth tightly against his chest as they both slept. Gently, Shelby took the little girl from his arms and tapped his shoulder. His response was an interesting grunting noise followed by an incoherent mumble. But he was awake, sleepy, but awake.

"Noah, she asked to see you." That woke him up a little more. His eyes were starting to stay open.

"Rachel… Is she ok?" Shelby nodded.

"She's going to be good as new. She wanted to talk to you."

"Is that allowed?" He didn't really care about the rules. He'd see her whether it was forbidden or not. It was just better if he asked.

"Probably not, but I don't think anyone will stop you. She was admitted so they gave her a room. It's 309."

"Ok." He stood up from his chair. "I'll go see her."

"Great Noah… And thank you. For helping her."

"Yeah…" With that, they both parted ways. Shelby took her sleeping baby home and out her to bed while Puck headed up two floors and to the last door on the left of the east hallway. He didn't bother to knock. The door was open and he assumed she'd be decent. Otherwise, why would the door be open? "Hello?" He called out before fully entering the room.

"Hey Noah, come in."

"So Berry, how are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine Noah. Thank you for asking." Puck didn't exactly accept that answer. But before pressing, he took the seat by the bed previously occupied by his friend's mother.

"Do you want to tell me why you were in the park?"

"Do you want to tell me how you knew I was there?"

"You once told me that going to the park made you feel like a kid again. You said that it made you feel safe and it helped you forget about whatever was going on in your life. And I know you love the view from on top of the rocks."

"You remembered that?" She was both curious and in need of a topic change. That question seemed to work for both.

"Of course I did." She gave a sheepish smile. It was nice to know somebody listened for a change. And it definitely felt like a change.

"Well, that's very good to know. Thanks for coming in here to see me Noah."

"Yeah your mom said you wanted to talk to me."

"Shelby." She clarified. "Shelby told you." Her voice was snappy. He knew he hit a nerve, but he wasn't sure why.

He gave her a look of sympathy and confusion. He didn't say anything wrong. Did he? She is her mother right? "Shelby told me. What did you want to talk about?"

"Can you not tell anyone what happened?" That just confused him more. Why was there a need for such secrecy? Was he missing something?

"Why? What's going on?" Before responding, Rachel scooted herself back up in the bed. This time she did a better job of hiding the pain. On the outside it looked like she was in perfect health. And if she was asked, she would say she was.

"It's not like this incident is a secret. It's just that I'm going to be in trouble and Shelby's never going to let me out of the house. She'll probably hover and I don't need that from people at school too. I don't want to be watched or worried about." Sure, that was part of the reason, but there was more. She was embarrassed; ashamed. No one was every supposed to see her like that. It was part of her secret, part of her own obsession. Allowing anyone to see it went against everything. It exposed her and left her vulnerable. That was just not allowed. She couldn't let that happened. If that meant lying, so be it. The less people who knew, the less questions, and things would be all the better for it.

"I guess I get it." He pulled out his phone. "So what should I tell Kurt?" Rachel immediately went for the phone. Playfully, he pulled it back away from her. Just out of her reach.

"Noah…"

"Here." He said before passing her the phone. "Where's your phone anyway?"

"When I left the house I left my phone." Puck went on to say something. Rachel was sure it was nothing important, but she attempted to listen while she began texting. It wasn't her greatest multitasking moment, but she got the job done. She managed to hear Noah tell her that he had trouble finding her at first. Mostly because it was dark, but the rain didn't help either. On top of that, she sent Kurt the message.

_Sorry I scared you. I'm fine. Promise. Tell who ever you told that I'm good. Probably in trouble. See you Monday._ It didn't take long for a response.

_Glad you're ok. Never do that again. You nearly gave me a heart attack. Call me later if you can._

"I was worried about you." She looked at him with big doughy eyes as she passed him his phone back. Didn't she just tell him she didn't want people to worry?

"That's completely unnecessary. I was fine and I am fine. There's no need for any worry."

"Well, there obviously was. What would've happened if I didn't find you when I did?"

"That's not something worth discussing because you did find me and everything is just fine."

"You could've died Rachel." She let out a small laugh. The harmless noise angered Puck. She wasn't taking it all seriously when she obviously should. So that made him angry. "Why aren't you taking this seriously?"

"Because Noah, it's not." He was about to say something to try and get her to understand, but she quickly silenced him by putting up her hand. "I fainted yes. And while that appears to be frightening to a witness, I would have woken up shortly had I not hit my head. And I only hit my head because I was following you. That's not to say it was your fault, because it wasn't. You did everything right, but I would've been fine either way. I would have woken up ten minutes later good as new. It would've been like nothing ever happened. Trust me." Puck waited to make sure her rant was over before speaking.

Once he was sure she was done, he said, "You're talking like this happens all the time Rachel." She was suddenly worried. Did she give herself away? Did she say too much? Her secret was still safe. It had to be. "It's not normal to pass out like that whether you hit your head or not." He wasn't oblivious to her facial contortions. There was something passing through that brain of hers, and if he had to guess, he'd say it wasn't good.

"We don't have to worry about that now do we?"

"Because you're ok now or because you're going to take this seriously?"

"I am taking this seriously. You're just taking it too seriously. And people say that I'm the overdramatic one. Look at you. You're blowing this way out of proportion."

"Berry, you can't do that to me again. I thought you were dead. I had to check for a pulse. You're ruining my badassness."

"Well I apologize for that." She jokingly responded. Only Puck would think a thing like that. "But in all seriousness Noah, thank you."

"For what?"

"For helping me I guess. I don't know. Just thank you." Puck wasn't into the mushy conversations or exchanging of feelings. He was Puck after all, but he did just think she was going to die and she did just thank him, so he assumed he should at least acknowledge that.

"Let's just say you owe me one."

"Ok, collect when you're ready." He wanted to change the subject. No more emotional gunk.

"So you never told me why you left?"

"I explained to you that I needed to get out of the house. What else is there to tell?" She snapped. Her voice was a little angered. She didn't want to have that conversation either.

"Ok, no need to get all Berry on me. How'd you get to the park anyway?"

"I walked Noah. That's what the motor function is for."

"Isn't that like seven miles from Shelby's house?"

"I don't know… could be." There was absolutely no reason for it, but she felt like she was a suspect in the process of being interrogated. It wasn't fun and she started feeling a little defensive. "It's late. Maybe you should go."

"My mom knows where I am. I can stay if you want. You shouldn't be alone."

"While I appreciate the gesture, I believe the solitude is exactly what I need. I haven't had a moment all to myself since I moved in with Shelby." He stood from his chair and looked at her.

"If you're sure…"

"I am sure." Puck headed to the door just stopping short.

Turning to face Rachel he said, "I'm glad you're not dead."

"Me too. Thanks again."

"Get some rest and call me when you bust out of here." After receiving a small nod from Rachel, Puck was out. Rachel then attempted to sleep, but like so many nights before, it just wasn't happening. Not being able to follow her nightly routine wasn't helping matters either. Needless to say, it was a rough night. Between the tossing and turning and the constant interruptions from the nurses coming in and out to check on her, she barely slept.

By ten in the morning she managed a whole two hours of accumulated shuteye. It wasn't much, but it was enough to get her up and out of bed. She obviously couldn't run or head off to the physical training gym to get in a nice workout, so she had to do something. She notices that the nurses came in every hour on the hour. That gave her forty five minutes to do whatever she could. She was still hooked up to an IV, so her range was limited, but she managed a good cardio routine right there in the hospital room. And once she was done, she cleaned herself up and was back in bed before the nurse came to check on her. Nurse Gail took her for a few tests so the doctor could make sure she was still in good condition. She hoped it meant she could leave.

When she returned nearly an hour later, Shelby was in her room waiting. A part of Rachel still, even after a month's time, hoped she'd return and her fathers would be there eagerly awaiting her new prognosis. Obviously all sunshine and roses was turned to gloom when she saw her mother there. At least she left Beth at home. That was an upside for Rachel.

"Can we go now?"

"Not until the doctor says." She stood up from the chair in the corner and moved closer to Rachel as the nurse exited. "I brought you a change of clothes."

"Thank you." Rachel took the bag and immediately went into the bathroom to change. When she returned, she was still wearing the hospital gown over her jeans due to the needle stuck in her arm. "When can we leave?"

"Rachel, we just had this conversation. We'll leave when the doctor gives the all clear and you're no longer attached to a pole." Rachel could fix one of the two problems. Before Shelby could even comprehend what Rachel was doing, the younger girl moved her hand to her forearm and ripped out the IV. Shelby was stunned as she saw the blood drip from the area. "What did you do that for?"

"Now all we need is for you to go get the doctor so we can leave. Besides, I couldn't put on my shirt with that in. It had to come out." Shelby didn't even know what to say. So she didn't say anything. She left and sent a nurse in to tend to Rachel's arm while she tried to find the doctor. It took a few minutes, but she found him and returned to the room.

He explained that all the tests came back negative, so her concussion didn't cause any permanent or detrimental damage. She was still a little dehydrated and he wanted to keep her longer, but Rachel pleaded with him. He said that as long as she relaxed for the rest of the day and promised to stay hydrated, he'd discharge her. She was eager to comply, even though she really wouldn't. Then he turned to Shelby and asked her to step out into the hallway. While Rachel couldn't hear everything they said, she did hear him say that Shelby needed to monitor her eating habits.

"It's important that she eat regularly and healthy. Three meals a day. Let her snack if she wants too."

"Of course. I'll keep a closer eye on her."

"I'd recommend a visit with her regular physician if things don't change. Just make sure she takes it easy and I'll write up a prescription for her."

"Thank you." Hearing her heels approaching, Rachel quickly ran back to the bed and sat, pretending like she wasn't just eavesdropping.

"So, we can go?"

"We can go." Together, they made their way to the car and headed home. The ride was silent at first. Rachel knew she was going to get in trouble. Her best bet was to be as nice as possible and lessen the punishment's severity as much as possible. Show face and acting; that's how she'd do it.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" She was angry. "For running out of the house or for almost getting yourself killed and scaring me to death?"

"For both; I'm sorry for both. I just needed some air and I forgot my phone and I was too tired to walk back. But I am sorry. Really I am."

"I'm sure you are Rachel." She could still hear the anger in her mother's voice.

"So how much trouble am I in?"

"You're definitely grounded, but I'm going to be lenient this time. And this time only. For two weeks, you're not allowed to leave the house for any reason other than with me or with my permission. You can keep your phone, but you can only use it for emergencies. No computer unless you need it for school work and since I'm sure you'll need it you only use it while I'm around so that I can monitor what you're doing."

"Ok." She conceded. I could have been a lot worse.

"Ok?"

"Yeah, ok. What did you expect me to say?"

"I expected you to put up a fight."

"My head hurts too much for a fight."

"Good."

"I'm glad my pain makes you so happy." Rachel just tuned out the rest of Shelby's words. After they arrived, she just went straight to her room. Although Shelby put her on bed rest and if she wanted to go to school in the morning she had to comply, there was no way she was going to let that happen. The hospital tried to force feed her and since she wasn't left alone log enough to do her thing, she had to just eat as little as possible. Even so, she needed to burn it off. So just like she did in the hospital, she pushed through the pain and worked out right in her room trying to make as little noise as possible. Getting caught would've been detrimental to her health in other ways. It wasn't long, however, before Shelby came knocking on the door.

"Rachel, I brought you some food." Quickly, Rachel grabbed a towel to wipe off the sweat and lay down on her bed to make it look like she was working on homework.

"Come in."

"I cooked some of that vegan pasta you like."

"I'm not really that hungry."

"The doctor said you have to eat, and even before that we had this conversation. So here." She placed the tray on the desk. "Eat up and take your medicine. I'll be back to check on you in an hour."

Rachel did as she was told. Partially, at least. There was no way she was going to eat the entire bowl. And the thought of stuffing her face with all the bread made her want to vomit. But she had to eat some of it. She did. She took a few bites before bringing everything into the bathroom with her. Shelby wouldn't believe it if she ate the entire bowl, so she emptied some of the contents into the toilet and flushed. The bread found a new home in the trash buried under a bunch of tissues. And the food in her stomach found the same fate as the food in the bowl. Down the drain it went.

Shelby was impressed when she came to check on Rachel. She actually thought she got through to her and that she ate a good amount. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. As soon as she was done telling Rachel to drink the entire bottle of water she brought and made her way out of the room, Rachel was back to exercise. It was another few hours before Shelby came out and by that time, she was more than exhausted. She was instructed to shower and get ready for bed and assuming all was well in the morning, she'd be allowed to go to school. She even listened… for the most part. She showered and relaxed in bed after doing her nightly ritual. But before she could sleep she had to go back to her journal. She had to make up for the missed day.

The rest of the week went on like nothing happened. She didn't embarrass herself and end up in the hospital. She didn't scare her mother. She didn't give Kurt the beginnings of an aneurism. Puck didn't act any different either. Although he did make a point of staying closer to her, including her more, just talking to her more, nothing changed. Rachel was just living life the way she chose. And that included her dirty little secret.

**Sorry for any mistakes of the Grammatical and spelling kind that I may have made and probably did make.**

**Hope you enjoy the chapter. It's more of a transition chapter, but on the upside Sectionals should be coming up soon. For New Directions that usually means trouble…There were a few Puckleberry moments; nothing big. What do you all think of that? I'm not going to make them boyfriend and girlfriend but what do you think about them being more than friends? Opinions welcomed.**

**And if you had to pick one person to learn about Rachel's issues, who would it be? Quinn? Kurt? Puck? Who?**

**I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	11. Things Just became Awkward

Chapter 11: Things Just became Awkward

Time seemed to move quickly as soon as Rachel got back to her routine. Her secret was still safe and, although Shelby was on her about food, watching to make sure she ate as much as she could, she learned to work the system. When Shelby wasn't watching, as much food as she could fit would be stuffed in her napkin, and when she was watching, Rachel would take small bites and chew for as long as she could, but never swallow. That food too, would end up in a napkin. The only bites she would eat came when everyone else at the table was done. That way, she knew she could make her escape right away rather than let the food fester in her stomach and allow the calories to be absorbed. If she was the last one finished, she could excuse herself right away and purge herself of all her impurities.

It seemed to be working. But that day would be different. That day was Thanksgiving. Traditionally, it was a day to stuff food down and indulge in more than normal. How could she get out of that? She had some ideas, but all of them would get her grounded again, and she was just relieved of her punishment. On the upside, if she did get grounded, the last of her stuff was brought over to her new house, including her elliptical, so she would have something to occupy her time. But was she really willing to risk it? Then Shelby might make her spend even more time with her and Beth. She didn't think she could handle that. So she'd be on her best behavior. All she had to manage was dinner with her "mother," her "sister," and whoever else Shelby decided would grace them with their presence.

The day started like any other. It began with her four AM wakeup call and two hours on the elliptical; two hours to herself with no one else awake to bother her. Following her sweat inducing workout, she showered and changed before joining Shelby in the kitchen. She knew if she didn't, Shelby would come knocking sooner or later so she might as well make it easier on herself. At least then she could have coffee. Coffee boasted metabolism for an hour after drinking; that seemed like a good idea to her.

"Good morning. Happy Thanksgiving." She was oddly chipper. Rachel didn't know what to do with that.

"You too." She answered as she poured herself a rather large cup of black coffee.

"Someone's talkative this morning." Shelby said as she sat down across from Rachel at the table.

"Someone's a little too happy for their own good this morning." Rachel quipped before scooting out of her seat and heading out of the room.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To my room." She answered like it should be the most obvious thing in the world.

"I need your help prepping. I thought we could make it a family thing." Rachel looked at her skeptically. They weren't a family. She was just a surrogate mother who got stuck with her because her fathers died. If they didn't, they wouldn't be where they were.

"One big happy family…" Rachel mumbled under her breath, quiet enough so Shelby couldn't hear.

"What was that?"

"I said I'm not really good in the kitchen." She actually was a pretty good cook. And although she wouldn't handle meat, she always helped her fathers around the holidays, especially when it came to the cooking and decorating. "Besides, I'm not really in the holiday mood."

"Please Rachel. It would mean a lot to me." Was that supposed to be some kind of guilt trip? Should she care that it would make her feel better? What had she done to make her feel better? Nothing… That was the answer. But that was also because nothing, other than what she did for herself, could make her feel better.

"Whatever." Rachel didn't smile once or say much of anything, but Shelby did. Knowing she got Rachel to help without too much convincing was enough to bring a toothy grin to her face. Maybe they were getting somewhere.

Guests, meaning a few of Shelby's friends (yes, the fact that she had friends surprised Rachel too), started arriving just as the food was ready to be eaten. Rachel would not be indulging. She would not be eating the tofurkey. She would not let a single piece of dessert pass her lips. And she most definitely would not include herself in any meaningless conversation with a bunch of strangers. Obviously she would be cordial and speak when spoken to, but she didn't need to start or join any conversations. So for most of the day, she just remained the wallflower. It worked for her.

She made several trips to the bathroom that day, none of which were for normal reasons. But what's the fun in being normal anyway? In the end, she was just thankful to get through the day. Not like she'd admit it out loud, but it was the first major holiday without her parents and it was harder than she would've anticipated. So getting through was better than she even hoped for.

"See that wasn't so bad." Shelby said as she joined Rachel on the couch with Beth snuggled in her arms. She kicked her feet up onto the table and really sunk back into the couch relaxing after a long day. "Thank you for all your help today."

"Sure, whatever." Rachel said as she got up from the couch. "I'm going to head up to my room."

"Do you want to join Beth and me for a movie? It's _Alice in Wonderland._" She said hoping it would entice her.

"No, thank you, but I have some work I want to get a head start on. I'll see you in the morning." Rachel neglected to mention that the work she wanted to get a head start on was already done and ready to be handed in on Monday. That didn't seem important. She heard a faint "goodnight" called to her as she made her way up the stairs, but she didn't feel the need to respond. She just wanted to get away, to escape somewhere, anywhere. She did that the only way she knew how; by escaping into her own mind and journaling. Her thoughts were heavy and not for the faint of heart. She poured her soul into her words and yet, she had nothing to show for it. As the hours passed and she finished putting her thoughts into words, Rachel got ready for bed. It was earlier than she was used to, but she knew it would take a few hours to actually fall asleep so she might as well get a head start. But as she was putting her head down against the cool pillow, her phone buzzed. She got a text from Noah.

_How was your Turkey day?_

_Fine Noah. Yours?"_

"_Good, ate until I passed out then ate some more._

_That's not very healthy Noah. _She wasn't exactly one to speak about healthy eating habits, but she couldn't help herself either.

_Whatever. So a bunch of us are going to hang out on Saturday. Are you in?_

_Where?_

_Puckerman household of course._

_I'll see if I can escape the commandant and let you know. Night Noah._

_Night Rach._

After the brief and meaningless exchange of abbreviated and half misspelled, on his part of course, words, Rachel easily fell asleep. She didn't understand why. Maybe it was the way he was looking after her. But she usually hated that. She did hate that when it came from everyone else, anyone but him apparently.

She pushed everyone away. She purposely pushed everyone away. At first it wasn't intentional. It just sort of happened when she started feeling those urges, but then it became a persistent voice in her head and it told her she wanted to, needed to, be alone. More than that, it told her she deserved to be alone. And she believed it. She would have to choose between her addiction and her friends and each time the addiction won. Being alone didn't scare her, but being without the voice did. That kept her grounded. It made her feel all the good and forget all the bad. All her people friends couldn't do that. So that was the only true friend she had and it wasn't even real.

After a countless number of hours exercising and doing her thing, Saturday came quickly, quicker than she could have hoped. It took some convincing, and a little lying, but she scored the "ok" from Shelby to go to Puck's party. Granted, she thought Rachel was going to the mall and maybe the movies with Kurt and possibly a few others from glee, but she got permission to go nonetheless.

She was the last one to arrive at Puck's, and when she did, she felt a little over dressed. Her clothes weren't anything special, just a flowy long sleeved dress and a jacket. Everyone else was simply in jeans, except for Quinn who also went with a dress. It worked in her favor since she was all over Finn trying to get his attention. It didn't bother Rachel though. They were over and Finn always had Quinn in the back of his mind, so they were free to do whatever they wanted, and so was she. But she was at a party, she didn't want to think, she didn't want to work, she just wanted to let loose a little. She never really did that and she thought it was time that she did.

As she pulled off her jacket she got a lot of looks. It made her self conscious and a little nervous, but then she heard what people were saying, and she kind of liked it. There was a whistle from some random guy that she didn't think she knew. Mercedes went with, "Whoa girl, you lookin' good." Kurt's was equally flattering as he said, "Diva, I love your outfit. You look so in style today. Have you been working out more?" She didn't bother to answer. It didn't feel like it needed one. Finn shot her a few looks, checking out every inch of her new physique. As much as she hated the attention, the fact that people were encouraging her behavior made her feel better, almost validated. And she'd take that where she could get it.

Her favorite comment, by far, came from Santana. "Not bad Man Hands, not bad. You look almost human." It seemed like the nicest thing she ever said. But Rachel wouldn't read too much into it. One day of nice comments wouldn't make up for the years of verbal torture.

Everyone at the party was drinking. Rachel wanted to join in, but she remembered last time. The picture of oddly colored vomit spewing from their mouths in the middle of the gymnasium during a performance wasn't exactly appealing. On the other hand, she said she wanted to loosen up a bit and alcohol seemed to do the job. Forgetting all her other problems and really just escaping the feelings that she had no control over were the two things she wanted at the moment. It was a small mental debate, she had to consider the amount of empty calories she'd be consuming, but in the end she decided she'd just make up for it the following day. So, she made her way into the kitchen for a little liberation. She found Puck in there.

"Hey Rach. When'd you get here?"

"Just now, thought this would help liven me up a little." She said pointing to the array of various liquors scattered around the counter.

"Well look who's taking a step to the wild side and looking real fine when doing it."

"I'm going to just assume that, that was a compliment and say thank you Noah." He couldn't help but laugh. Only Rachel wouldn't understand that he just called her pretty.

"It was, and you're welcome." He moved closer and passed her a cup. "Here, try this one."

She happily took the cup, but wasn't exactly sure what was in it, so she had to ask. "What's in this?" She put the beverage up to her nose and tried to decipher the smell. It wasn't getting her anywhere. She didn't know the difference between vodka and gin.

"It's my own concoction. I call it the Puckeroni. Try it, you'll like it." It was then or not at all. She knew she could chicken out and no one would care or think any different of her. Everyone already thought she had a stick up her ass, but she said she didn't want to be that girl that night. Hesitantly, she took a swig and really had to choke it back. Once she got over the initial shock, it wasn't so bad. It was very, very strong though. "So? How is it?"

"It's… It's good."

"Alright. Don't overdo it. That's strong stuff right there."

Before she knew it, the party was winding down. The moon was high in the sky and half of the part occupants were more than drunk, the other half was a mix of buzzed and completely sober. Kurt was one of the few alcohol free. He and Quinn were the only glee club members that hadn't had more than one drink. Apparently Quinn learned her lesson. And that lesson was asleep in the bedroom down the hall from Rachel's.

Puck said his goodbyes to all the guests. Kurt made sure to tell Rachel to call him in the morning if she wasn't too hung over. She hadn't had more than a glass and a half, but that was more than enough to push her past the happy point. She wasn't plastered, but she was more than just buzzed; definitely not sober and neither was Puck. They were both in the same boat, so Rachel decided to stay a little longer to help him clean up. His mom and sister were getting back the next afternoon and he wouldn't be in the mood to work on it in the morning.

"Thanks for staying Rach."

"It's better than going back to that house. Besides, I'm in no shape to drive right now and I need to sober up before I walk there. And, since I'll undoubtedly be grounded or receiving some form of punishment due to my current state, I'd rather be here anyway."

"Too many words Berry… too many words." Rachel looked at her watch. It was a little after twelve. Luckily, she thought ahead and said the movie was going to end at 12:30 and managed to convince Shelby to let her stay out until one… just this once. It took some pleading, but when Rachel put her acting skills to good use, it usually worked in her favor.

"You shouldn't walk home aloe Rachel."

"Well I can't drive Noah. What do you propose I do? Call a cab?"

"No, nothing like that." He threw the last trash bag into a pile and moved closer to her. "You can stay here."

"I'm sure Shelby would approve of such requests."

"Tell her you're at Kurt's, and you don't want to drive. You know she's probably waiting up anyway." She thought about it for a moment. It was the safest option. Also, probably the smartest.

"Ok Noah, thank you."

"What are friends for?" He joked before taking the garbage to the trashcans outside leaving Rachel to lie her way through a phone call with Shelby.

"I'm at Kurt's and he's asleep. We both fell asleep watching a movie and I don't think I should drive. Would it be ok if I spent the night?" She said in the most sober voice she could muster. Luckily, the tiny, barely noticeable, alcohol induced speech impediment worked in her favor. It helped support the lie that she just woke up.

"I guess it's ok. Just come straight home in the morning. You're lucky I'm so good to you." Lucky wasn't the word that came to mind…

Puck returned shortly after the call ended. He showed her up to his room. He was going to offer up his sister's room, but informed Rachel that she locked it when she wasn't home after a diary reading incident. She scolded him a little saying, "It's not polite to read a girl's journal Noah. It's not very gentlemanly." He scoffed it off and offered up his bed politely and saying that he'd take the couch.

"I don't want to inconvenience you Noah, and I'm smaller than you. Why don't I take the sofa in your room and you can have your bed? It's only fair." There was much debate between the two. Puck was trying to be a nice guy for once and Rachel was too worried about being a rude houseguest, and the fact they neither were sober made it all the more interesting. Finally, Puck came up with a solution.

"Why don't we both sleep on the bed? I won't try anything, but if you want to spoon, I'm ok with that."

"I wouldn't dream of it Noah, but I can live with that idea."

He offered her some clothes to change into and showed her to the bathroom to change. She left the door open just a crack and he was really trying to be the good guy, but he couldn't resist. He had to sneak a peek and he definitely liked what he saw. When she returned he was already changed into some boxers and a shirt. He kind of liked the fact that he was wearing his clothes.

They both laid in bed staring at nothing, saying nothing, just silent. Suddenly, Rachel turned to face him and feeling the shift in the bed, Puck did the same. Now they were facing each other. Nothing was said at first. They were just two friends who had too much to drink sharing a moment; a moment they both enjoyed more than they let on.

"Thanks Noah."

"For what?"

"For being my friend… For helping me."

"Anything for my hot Jewish Princess."

"I'm being serious here."

"Me too." Simultaneously, they both moved closer to each other, just inching their way there. She wanted to let loose right? And Puck was as loose as they came. They were friends. Couldn't they have a little benefit too?

Rachel snuggled her head into his shoulder, pressing her body against his. There was a connection there. It was there when they dated and it was there then. Feeling that led Puck to snuggle back. His face was lying next to hers allowing the smell of her hair flooding his senses. He didn't know what he was doing. It was like his mind lost control of his body and he just went for it. He gently kissed her neck causing her to move so she could look at him. For a short moment, no one did anything. But then, they both leaned in for the kiss, slowly deepening it.

One kiss led to the next. The kissing led to the feeling. Soon clothes were coming off and Puck was whispering sweet nothings into her ear. It didn't make sense to her, but coming from him, she actually believed what he said. She believed that she was beautiful, at least in that moment. His body hovered over hers and she felt safe for the first time in a long time.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked cautiously. He didn't want to stop. His little friend was ready and after seeing her change thoughts about her were already flooding his graphic mind. But he would stop if she wanted to.

"I'm definitely sure." The rest of the night was spent in passion before falling asleep, cuddled in each other's arms. She didn't know what came over her, but all she knew was being there with him, feeling him, was the only thing other than her secret that made her feel good. He did that for her, and obviously he felt the same way.

When she woke up the next morning and looked at the clock it was 7:30. Lying next to her, half dressed, much like her, was Puck. Everything that happened the night before came flooding back. If she wasn't sober then she definitely was now. Did they really have sex? Was that going to ruin the friendship they just built? She immediately got up from the bed, pulling her party clothes close to her chest before heading into the bathroom to change. As she returned to get her shoes, Puck began stirring in the bed.

"You're leaving?" He asked groggily.

"Yeah, I need to get back before Shelby decides to call Kurt's and check on me. I didn't want to wake you. I hope that's ok." He just smiled at her obvious inexperience. She was uncomfortable and he saw that, but he was willing to reassure her; to tell her everything she needed to hear and that he enjoyed their little encounter. She didn't know what to say. She never did that before. All she could think was about what came next. It was a one time thing. Were things going to be awkward now? Would they be ok?

**Sorry for any mistakes of the Grammatical and spelling kind that I may have made and probably did make. Insomnia does that to a girl.**

**Hope you enjoy the chapter. So I had originally planned the chapter a little differently. I had two main plot points that I wanted to make, but the first one just took on a life of its own. So, I decided to break it into two different ones. It works. I'm pleased with this chapter, hope you all are too. Happy reading all and don't be afraid to let me know what you think.**

**I really appreciate all the positive feedback this story has garnered, please keep it coming. Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited and/or added this story to their alerts. It's much appreciated. And remember suggestions and input are always welcome.**


	12. Not Everything is as it Appears

Chapter 12: Not Everything is as it Appears

Rachel quickly made her way home. She wasn't really hung over. She had a headache, a bad one, but that was it and it wasn't going to deter her routine. Shelby saw her come in and started to ask her all about her night. Rachel wasn't in the mood to discuss it. She had to get to work. Sex only burned so many calories, even good sex. But since telling her that wasn't an option, Rachel told her that the night was fine, she had fun, and that she needed to change. It seemed like a good excuse to escape. Shelby didn't think the conversation was good enough so she threw a few more questions at the younger girl before asking her to join them for breakfast.

"I already ate before I left the Hummel's, but thank you." She said before running up to her room. Thoughts about Noah still ran rapid in her head. She enjoyed that more than she thought she would. But did he? Was she any good? Her insecurities were also on red alert. Luckily exercising usually helped dull her thoughts, and at the very least it would help burn off some of yesterday's recklessness. For most of the day, that was all she did. But no matter what she did she couldn't help but think about what happened between her and Noah. She even journaled… Still nothing helped.

She was confused and nervous. Other than Kurt, he seemed to be the only person who didn't bully her in some way, shape, or form. It died down a little out of pity after her fathers passed, but it didn't change much. Puck, however, did. Now she was worried she ruined it all by crossing that line. She was no good at letting loose. It just stressed her out after the fact. It did make her push harder though. So, that was a plus, especially after a night of drinking. She felt so bloated and fat.

It was already late in the afternoon and she decided to get in one more workout. It was so necessary after her show of lack of discipline. After that it was shower time followed by next week's homework. It was important to stay ahead, especially when she felt herself getting headaches and lightheaded more often. Doing it early allowed her the luxury to push herself so hard she passed out and not worry about getting behind with her work. As she was finishing up the last of the work, enough to take her through the coming two weeks, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in." The door slowly creaked open until Shelby's figure was standing in the frame.

"Dinner's almost ready. Come set the table please."

"I'll be down in a minute." She said before turning away from her mother to finish the last few problems on her homework.

"Are you feeling ok?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're just not usually dressed and ready for bed this early. And last time you didn't tell me and you ended up in the hospital so, I needed to check."

"I didn't tell you because it wasn't a big deal. I was fine, and I'm fine now. And I'm done, so I'll go set the table," Without waiting to hear Shelby's response, Rachel walked right passed her and down to the kitchen. There she waited until Shelby got Beth and joined her at the table.

Shelby decided not to say anything until Beth was in her high chair and dinner was on the table. "You can't always run away from me when you don't want to talk about something." Rachel looked up from the food she was swirling around her plate. She wanted so desperately to just engulf it all and more so that she could run to the bathroom and have the release she craved so badly, but she couldn't do that until the rest were almost done. She couldn't let it sit. Once it was in, it needed to immediately come out. So she'd use that self control she worked so hard to learn and wait.

"I didn't run away. I just did what you asked and went to set the table. That's what you wanted was it not?"

"That's not the point Rachel. Running away won't help anything. When I try to talk to you, you run away. When I ask you to spend time with me and Beth, you find some excuse and then run." Her grip on her utensils practically turned her knuckles white. She was stressed enough; dealing with Shelby just drove the urge that much further.

"I don't understand what you want from me. We both know the only reason I'm here is because my parents died and it was you or the streets and you felt bad for me. But I don't want your pity." Everything she was saying came out calm and even, but to Shelby, that just made it worse. At least if there was anger there'd be something to work though. How do you work through nothing? "You told me that you wanted a family and that didn't include me. So it shouldn't include me now. Just pretend I'm a temporary house guest, a boarding student who is staying here until graduation. Then I'll leave and you'll never have to hear from me again."

"That's not what I want."

"Then what is it that you want? Because I'm lost here."

"I want us to try. I want you to be able to talk to me, to trust me. I want you to feel comfortable here. What do you want?"

"I want my dads to be alive and us not to be having this conversation." Shelby's heart panged. Her little girl was still in so much pain.

"Ok."

"Ok?" Definite confusion amidst a cocktail of many other emotions…

"I can't give you the first thing, and I would if I could, but I'm more than capable of the latter. We'll table this discussion for now, but we will address it later. Why don't you tell me about last night? What movie did you watch?" Maybe she owed Shelby some semblance of normalcy. And even if she didn't, at least talking will help her control the need to eat every last scrap of food in sight and then run to the bathroom to correct the mistake. But she'd be lying if she said the thought didn't linger during the entire conversation. But, she told her lie after lie and made it convincing. She also made a mental note to fill Kurt in on the lies, just in case.

"I want to check your homework." Well, that was random.

"Why? You don't think I actually did it?"

"I'm sure you did, I just want to make sure you did it right."

"So you don't trust me?"

"It's not about trust Rachel. I just want to make sure you understand it and that you're doing the best you can. So I want to see it."

"All of it?"

"Yes, all of it."

"Ok, fine. I'll go get it." Rachel was about to get up from the table and leave the nearly full plate in her wake, but Shelby stopped her.

"Eat first, and it's your turn to do dishes." Rachel quickly shoveled the food into her mouth as Shelby took the other plates to the sink. Then she ran up to her room.

"I'll get my homework then do the dishes." She called before rushing into the bathroom fulfilling her need to a tee… several times. However brief it was, the high after the release felt amazing. She forgot about Noah and her insecurities. She forgot about her mother and the inevitable and uncomfortable conversation they'd be having. She forgot all the bad in her life and just felt the good. For those few minutes, she felt happy and calm and so completely safe. And when it was over, she immediately wanted that back. But as much as she wanted it, she could hear Shelby calling her.

"Rachel, what's taking so long? Come on, the dishes are waiting." She went back into her room, grabbed all her stuff, and ran down into the kitchen where Shelby was impatiently waiting. "What is all that?" She asked as she stared at the monstrous pile of files and papers and books stacked in Rachel's hands.

"Homework. You said all of it, didn't you?"

"Who gave you so much homework?" She asked still stunned by the sheer immensity of it all.

"Most of it's from you."

"No, I'd remember giving you that much work. I would remember because I have to grade it." Rachel laughed as she went to start the dishes. That was the most civil and fun conversation they'd had to date and she credited that to the bathroom session she had just moments before.

"Well the papers sticking out of the Grammar book are the exercises you assigned for the next two weeks and the folder under it holds the final copies of the work along with the essay that's due on Friday and the short answer take home test." Rachel couldn't see it, but Shelby's mouth was agape and she sat their paralyzed with the words she was hearing. Who works on schoolwork that far in advance?

"Did you say the next two weeks? For all of your classes?"

"Yes, the next two weeks of work for all of my classes is done and in that pile. Of course there are a few missing assignments like my science lab report, but that's only because we have yet to complete the actual testing. However, it's started and outlined and is in the folder labeled Lab Work."

"Wow." Shelby quietly said before Rachel finished the dishes and turned toward her.

"What's the matter? What's that look for? Did I do something wrong?" Oh geez, one civil conversation and she already ruined it. What was wrong with her?

"No, you did nothing wrong. I'm just surprised. When did you do all of this? Why'd you do it all so early?"

"It is very important to be prepared. If something should come up and I still had a mess of work to do, I'd become stressed and possibly overwhelmed. At least this way I'm ahead and have more time to do as I please. Or, if I so choose I can continue on more work and check what I've already done for mistakes."

"Well, ok then. Why don't you go do something fun while I start looking through this? You do realize this is more than I grade in a week right?"

"You did ask for it." With that, she went up to her room and locked herself away for the night. She had a lot more to write about and another cycle to run through. Eventually, Shelby dropped in after putting Beth to bed.

Shelby walked in and saw Rachel lying on her bed with a book in her hand and a journal lying next to her. "What are you reading?"

"I have to finish this book for my history class." She put the book mark in and closed the book, sitting up on the bed to face her mother.

"Everything I looked so far was very well done. You're really a smart girl Rachel." Lies…

"Oh, umm… thank you." She was very uncomfortable. But Shelby didn't notice and just went to sit on the edge of the bed.

"So what's this?" She asked, her hand resting on the purple diary like notebook. "I've seen you write in this all the time."

"It's nothing." Rachel snapped, quickly taking the book from her mother who was surprised by the outburst. "I'm sorry. It's just… It's nothing."

"Don't worry about it Rachel. Obviously it's important you, and despite what you may think, I know how to mind my own business."

"I didn't mean to yell."

"I said it's ok Rachel." She stood from the bed. "I just came in here to say goodnight. I know it's early, but I have a lot of papers to go through before tomorrow. I left your work on the counter downstairs. Lights out at ten. You'll need the rest. Glee tomorrow is going to be rough."

"Night." Shelby gently closed the door behind her as she exited the room. When she finally settled down, she felt like they had made some progress. She thought that before and it ended up false, but this time seemed different. Although, she did have a few questions about that notebook. It was obviously something important to her, otherwise she wouldn't have gotten so defensive when all she did was touch it and ask what it was. She wanted to know what was in it. But that was a problem for another day. At least they were starting to get into conversations deeper that "Hey how are you? "Good, and you?"

The next morning when Rachel arrived at school, Kurt immediately went looking for her. He had some questions for the resident Diva and he wanted them right away. It wasn't hard to guess where she'd be first thing in the morning, so after a stop at his own, he dawdled over to Rachel's locker.

"Hey Rachel."

"Kurt, how was your weekend?"

"Well, I misplaced my phone after the party, but when I found it last night there were quite a few texts from you. Care to explain?"

"It was a precautionary measure Kurt. Should my mother ask any questions, I slept over your house after we went to the mall and any further details are written in great detail in those messages."

"So if you didn't sleep over at my house and you didn't go home after the party, where did you sleep?" That comment alone made her feel a little better. At least Noah didn't tell Finn they slept together so Finn couldn't tell Kurt. She just hoped he didn't say anything to anyone else either.

"I was elsewhere Kurt. That's all that mattered, but if you want me to participate in our upcoming competition, I suggest you go along with it. Please?"

"Who were you with Diva? Was it a boy? I need the juicy details. What were you doing?" The glimmer in his eyes showed just how interested he was. He wanted the gossip, especially if it concerned his best friend.

"Kurt, please… I was just with a friend."

He gasped letting out a drawn out "huh" of astonishment like he came to some sort of amazing realization. Then he moved closer so he didn't have to speak too loudly. But not in a whisper, he said, "Did something happen with a boy?"

Her head snapped up and her attention was no longer on the book she was getting out of her locker. "Really Kurt?"

"Oh my Gaga! You totally were with a boy!" His voice seemed to bellow in the hallway. Rachel quickly gazed around only noticing a few heads turned her way. No one really cared about her, so while she was still worried, she knew she had to reason to be.

"Do you want to yell a little louder Kurt? I don't think my mother heard you all the way in her classroom."

"I'm sorry, but this is about the pulpiest piece of news in all of Lima."

"Well that's odd because I never said that I was with a boy and I never said anything happened." Kurt opened his mouth to speak, but before the words had a chance to leave his mouth, they were interrupted.

"Berry can I talk to you?" Noah…

She turned to face him. "Hello Noah. How are you today?"

"I'm good. Walk with me to English?"

"Ok. Just a sec." Turning back to Kurt she simply said, "We'll talk later ok? I'll see you in class."

"Oooh-kay." He said in a sing songy voice causing Rachel to shoot him a glare that couldn't be missed. Puck didn't miss it either.

"So, want to tell me what that was about?" Rachel was already uncomfortable, telling him that Kurt thinks she whored herself out to some guy, no matter how true it was, wouldn't make things any less awkward.

"Kurt was just sticking his nose in where it didn't belong. Do you want to tell me what this is about?" He looked at her confused. "You asked if we could talk."

"Oh, right. The other night…" She acted confused.

"The part… Did you get in trouble for that?"

"Nah, my ma doesn't suspect a thing. Probably because you helped clean all the evidence."

"That's great Noah." She wanted to keep the conversation simple, away from the complexities of and the insecurities she had over that night. He was her first and she didn't want him to feel like that had to mean more than it did. He was there when she wanted to run wild. That's all it was… Right? She really couldn't tell. There was just so much chaos in her mind it was impossible to work out.

"About that night."

"What about it?" There was a sense of anxiety clear in her voice. She didn't want to talk about it. She wasn't ready to decipher her emotions, never mind deal with what she was feeling. She probably should've, but she didn't. She wouldn't know where to begin.

"What we did, what happened… you're ok with that right? I mean I know you said you wanted to, but you haven't answered my texts and, I don't know. I just wanted to make sure you're ok." She wanted to play it off like it was nothing, but in all honesty, it did mean something. He was her comfort, her safety, but she couldn't handle any rejection or anything more than friendship. So she had to push all other feelings aside.

"Noah, everything's fine. I didn't answer anyone's texts, not just yours, because my phone died." Another lie to add under her belt. If people weren't lying to her, she was lying to them. "It's really not a big deal. We were both a little toasted and we made a mutual decision. There's nothing more to it." If she didn't know any better, she'd think he was a little upset by her words; the same words she knew weren't true. "But we had fun right?" He nodded. "And you've did this with plenty of other girls." He felt a little stung by that comment. It was true, but she didn't have to point that out. "So why are you acting different because it was me?"

"'Cause, you know. You're the other Jew and I got to make sure everything's all motzah balls and soup."

"Well it is. Ok? We're fine, we're friends, and I don't expect anything from you. No need to worry about that. Now let's get to class before we're late and Shelby gives us detention." And so the day began…

By the time lunch rolled around, it already felt like the world was coming to an end. As she walked through the cafeteria it felt like everyone was talking and whispering about her. Since their chat earlier, Rachel had been avoiding Puck all day and seeing him there wasn't something she was looking forward to. She ruined every good thing in her life. Why'd she have to do that? To make matters worse, Kurt was pestering her with texts all day asking questions about things she didn't want to talk about over and over. There was just no winning. The entire day was just royally screwed in her mind. So there she sat, staring at the food in front of her, desperately trying not to just shove it all done in one bite and run to her comfort zone so that she could feel ok again.

It was a test of her will power; that's for sure. And it was one she was failing at that. Midway through lunch she was losing it. She couldn't hear what the people around her were saying. All she heard was white noise as she just continued to stare at her full plate of food. She could have devoured it and ran to the bathroom, but that would raise too many suspicions, and she didn't want or need that. Instead she claimed she forgot something in her previous class, politely excused herself, and left as quickly as possible. Her first stop was her locker. She kept, along with her slushy kit, an emergency food storage. It was definitely an emergency. Well, it felt like one to her.

Inside were a bunch of her favorites and, since no one was around to witness it, she wasn't afraid to go all out. As she made her way to her favorite school bathroom, she just continued to chew as much as she could, as fast as she could, downing it with a liquid to help it come up a little more smoothly. When she finally opened the door to her comfort zone, it felt right. She was safe there in all her glory, free to do what she needed, when she needed, in only her own company. She didn't bother to check the stalls. That bathroom was never used. Why would that time be any different?

So as she finished up the last of her stash, making a mental note to restock it later, she ran to her favorite stall to work her magic. The much needed release eased all of the day's pressures. She was hit with such a wave of release and ecstasy she didn't even hear the sounds of a stall door opening or the pitter pattering of footsteps coming closer to her. And so, when she let it out once more she missed the sound of the faucet running, but once she was finished it was all too much to miss. Standing in the stall, she peaked through the crack, but couldn't see who it was. Whoever it was wasn't leaving either. Rachel peaked under the stall next and could see the stationary legs leaned up against the wall in wait. She remained there for a little while longer and when she saw the mystery feet head towards the door and the sound of ht e heavy wood opening and then closing against the frame, she finally flushed and went out of the stall. She began washing her hands and rinsing out her mouth when she heard the steps behind her. Slowly, she lifted her head up and looked into the mirror. Her reflection wasn't alone. It was joined by own Quinn Fabray and all she could feel was panic.

"I don't know what you think you saw or what you think you heard, but it never happened. Nothing happened." Rachel turned and held Quinn's gaze for as long as she could muster before the little confidence she had faded and all the bad feelings came rushing back. She fled the bathroom like a bat out of hell. All she could think was that her secret had been uncovered and her world was going to end. She couldn't take it. She wouldn't take it. What was she going to do? How could she fix it? More importantly, how could she keep doing it? A part of her, for the first time ever, just hoped that Quinn really didn't care enough about her and would just leave it alone. Quinn never really considered Rachel a friend. Maybe she would just let it go. She didn't really know what was going on. Rachel could've been sick for all she knew, or drunk. Yeah, everything was going to be ok. Quinn didn't know, and Rachel still had her vice to fall back on. Nothing would change. She wouldn't allow it. She couldn't. So she'd just stay in denial and pretend nothing happened… Because nothing did.

**As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…**

**Happy reading everyone. Enjoy the chapter. The secrets are starting to unravel and sectionals are coming up. I have a ton of ideas floating around my mess of a mind just dying to be born onto paper. I went with the popular decision, not just because it's what people wanted, but because it was my original thought as well. Quinn caught Rachel, but does she really know? We shall see…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	13. You Can't Always Believe what you Hear

Chapter 13: You Can't Always Believe what you Hear

Quinn didn't know how to interpret all that she heard and saw. Was Rachel Berry going to drop off of her pedestal and join the ranks of the fallen? She watched the way she acted in glee and around school. Rachel thought she was better than everyone and believed she was perfect in every way, but that proved she was human. Of course, Quinn wasn't sure what she heard. Rachel could've been sick. Hell, she could've even been hung-over, but it also could've been morning sickness. She wouldn't spread rumors… yet. There was still a little snooping to do, maybe a confrontation to have. But if there were any more clues that supported her conclusion, she'd have no qualms about spilling the beans to the entire school. In fact, she'd enjoy watching it all unfold. She felt it'd be justice for everything Rachel had done to her; for telling Finn the truth about Puck and Beth, for wanting Finn and making a move for him while they were still together… For everything.

She watched Rachel as much as she could for the rest of the day, waiting for the perfect time to confront her and get the real story out of her. Unfortunately, Rachel was really skilled in avoidance and managed to keep hidden for the most of the day, but there was no hiding in glee. She'd have to get her to talk there, but she'd have to be alone. She'd figure all the details out later.

Rachel was trying to hide, not just from Quinn, but everyone. She knew Quinn wouldn't keep her secret so she was just waiting for the news to hit and the gossip to spread. Then the few people who weren't already looking at her funny would join in the mockery. In reality, most people just ignored Rachel. There were no looks, no gossip, and, unless it was really juicy, to the rest of the student population, Rachel didn't even register as a blip on their radar. Just like that morning when she thought they were all looking at her and listening to Kurt's outburst, the reality was that they all just wanted to know who that squeaky noise called a voice belonged to. They didn't actually care about the lowly members of the food chain.

She was so anxious for the rest of the day that she barely paid attention in class and she was literally craving a release. Her legs were shaking and she kept tapping her fingers, but it was an itch she couldn't scratch. She already got caught once that day, could she risk it again? Although she knew she shouldn't, she had to. Raising her hand, she impatiently waited for permission to leave. Once she got it, she grabbed all her things I anticipation of the last bell ringing and exited the room. Eating some cut up fruit she had in her bag, she rushed to the same bathroom from before, this time checking to make sure no one would find her.

It was a most welcomed release. But the urge was still there. She tried to force more out, but she really didn't have anything left inside her body. And, on top of that, she needed to get to glee. Being late was not an option, but neither was being early. She didn't want to risk being alone with Quinn at any point in time for any amount of time.

Rachel took her time getting to glee. She wanted to make sure at least a few other people were there before she went in. When she got to the door Mr. Schue and Shelby had the place looking like a wardrobe department. It made sense. Sectionals were two weeks away and costumes were necessary. She assumed fittings and alterations were that day's assignment. That would explain the older woman standing next to the pair of teachers. Rachel didn't really care though; she just wanted to go home. So, she waited a little longer before going in. Quinn wasn't there when she sat down away from the rest of the early arrivals. She really just needed to sit and sulk in her own thoughts.

"Ok guys, sectionals are in just under two weeks. Today we have to do a fitting to make sure the outfits still work." Mr. Schue started after all the members arrived. "Ok, boys, come get your outfits first. Head to the bathroom or the locker rooms, try them on and head back here. Ms. Corcoran and will be making the adjustments." All the boys clumsily and loudly made their way over to the hanging garment bags and looked for the one with his name on it. Once they were all done and out of the room, Schue gave the girls their turn. Rachel hung back and let everyone else go first. She didn't really want to do it. She had been wearing clothes that mainly covered her up. She didn't want to showcase how fat she was. It wasn't something she was looking forward to.

"Come on Rachel. What are you waiting for?" Shelby asked.

"Sorry, I'm going." Reluctantly grabbing the last hanging bag, Rachel slowly made her way to the locker room. By the time she got there, most of the girls were already gone. She assumed that all the boys were already in the process of being tailored and she just wanted to take as much time as she could. There were clothes scattered everywhere when she walked in. She passed by the few remaining members that were taking their time with the dresses and walked to the furthest, most secluded dressing area she could. If she had to subject everyone to her disgusting body in that outfit, she was at least going to spare them the visual of changing with them in the common area.

What she failed to notice, was Quinn's watchful eye. She was waiting for her moment to strike and catch Rachel in some sort of similar situation as earlier; either that or for the rest of the people in the room to leave so she could ask the diva about her little episode. Already changed herself, Quinn watched as one by one her teammates left and finally gave her the opening she'd been waiting for.

It was taking Rachel so long that Quinn became way to impatient. "Rachel, what are you doing in there? How long does it take you to change?"

"Quinn?" She asked, surprised. Obviously they weren't just going to forget about the incident. "Why are you still in here?"

"Come on Man Hands, we need to talk."

Through the thin curtain, in an attempt to stay hidden from the rest of the world, Rachel spoke. "I don't know what there is we need to talk about. As far as I'm concerned we never have to say another word to one another and I'd be just fine."

"I feel the same way."

"Good, so it's mutual and you may depart now and leave me be." Quinn let out an exaggerated huff. She just wanted a little information. Why was Rachel making that so difficult?

"Are you decent?"

"Excuse me?" Rachel snapped/

"Dressed Rachel, are you dressed?" Quinn corrected, although not really seeing the fault in the question.

"I am clothed yes. What do you want Quinn." Once she heard the drawn out version of a 'yes,' Quinn pulled the curtain open revealing a withered Rachel, cowered down on the corner of the bench. "What are you doing? Really Quinn, what's your problem?"

"I didn't want to talk through a plastic sheet."

"Well I don't want to talk at all." Rachel tried to storm past Quinn, but felt a hand tightly grasp her own.

"Rachel, we should talk about earlier." The panicked thoughts started to race again. She was really hoping that was just a long forgotten memory. Why did she want to discuss it? Couldn't well enough be left alone for a change? She wanted her secrets to stay hidden and buried deep within the concaves of her own mind, safe from the impurities of the world that threatened to taint its utter perfection. She wouldn't let Quinn ruin the one good thing in her life. That was out of the question. And no matter what she had to do, how many lies she had to tell, she'd protect it with all she had. It was her lifeline and losing it just wouldn't work.

"I have no idea what you mean. Bow let go of me please." She said pulling her arm from the blonde's grasp.

"Yes you do Rachel." Quinn could easily see the fear in Rachel's eyes. She assumed it resembled hers when she realized she was pregnant. She also realized that she was doing a whole lot of assuming and had yet to get any confirmation. But did she really need it? One conveniently placed rumor and the truth would be forced out anyway. "Talk to me… I've been where you are." Good job Quinn, coax it out of her.

"You have no idea what you're talking about. You don't know anything about me. You don't even care about me, so what's with all the false concern?" Throw her off… Change the subject. She'd do almost anything to get Quinn to leave her alone. She felt like a tiny rodent waiting to be feasted on by the snake. Her chances of escape were minimal, but that didn't mean she shouldn't have at least tried.

Quinn decided to ignore the question and continue pressing the issue. She was going to get her to admit she made the same stupid mistake and make her suffer the same way she did. "Who's is it Rachel?"

"What?" All the panic left her body. Quinn thought she was pregnant… Her secret was still safe. She didn't know if the former was better or worse than the actual facts. Would she rather be thought of as the pregnant chick or the crazy girl with the upchuck issues? At least people would eventually realize she wasn't pregnant. Yeah, she should go with that one. It was the safer option.

"You're pregnant." It wasn't a question, or Quinn assumed it wasn't. She was positive that was what was going on. But watching the dramatic change in Rachel's facial expressions made her doubt that. She so quickly went from completely horrified apprehension to a sense of relief and, what appeared to be, happiness. She didn't understand it at all. Was there something worse than being a pregnant teen in Lima? What kind of secret could be bigger than that? "Who's the father?"

"That's what you think?"

"Of course it is. Why else would you be throwing up in the middle of the day?" In reality, she knew there were still about a hundred other plausible explanations, but that was the one she wanted it to be. She didn't want to be the only Lima loser to lose everything because of one night.

"I could have cancer." That definitely wasn't what she wanted to say. It was a terrible thing to say and she regretted the thought, but it a moment of verbal vomit, it just came out.

"Do you have cancer?"

"No, but that just proves the point that there are a multitude of possibilities to why I could've been vomiting. However, I don't think you understand what you heard. I have no recollection of said incident. I have not been sick today." Lies, and obvious ones at that, but the opening was there and she took it.

"Jesus RuPaul! Just stop lying!" Quinn exploded. She wasn't getting the answers she was looking for and she was tired of playing the Rachel game. "I know you're pregnant. It's obvious." She didn't know how much that comment, that lie, would affect Rachel. If she were being truthful, she would've seen that Rachel was practically swimming in the dress they ordered not two months earlier and that she was, while not quite knocking on death's door thin, definitely on the thinner side. But she saw what she wanted to see and if she didn't she pretended to and made enough up to prove her point. "I mean look at you. You already have a bump forming. It's not at all cute on you, by the way." Rachel wanted to scream or cry or maybe both. She knew it was true. She was so incredibly fat she didn't even understand how anyone could bear to look at her. Her eyes immediately diverted from Quinn and she looked down at her stomach. It was huge, monstrous. How could anyone stand to be near her? Quinn watched for a second, unsure what was happening, but ready to push further if she didn't get some sort of confession soon.

Meanwhile, as that conversation was taking place, the rest of the glee members were finishing up with their fittings. Between Shelby and Ms. Taylor, the ironic tailor, the fitting was going by fairly quickly. The boys had been easy. A few jackets had to be let out a little, a few pants hemmed, but nothing major. So they were no problems getting through that motley crew. The girls, on the other hand, were a different story. Naturally, their weight fluctuated and they generally hated the whole measuring process. So, in kind words, they were a pain. But as Shelby finished up with Tina's fitting, she gazed around the room. Where was Quinn? And where was Rachel? If they were together, she knew from stories about their past, that it probably wasn't the most civil of times. On top of that, she was worried. Rachel seemed off that day, sluggish and sad. She wanted to say that her daughter had been quieter than normal, and that would've been a fair assessment, but it was the new normal. She'd been quiet since their deaths and even more so after the move. Maybe she was sick again. She didn't want a repeat hospital visit. Child Services would probably pay her a visit if that happened. There was just a lot to worry about when it came to Rachel.

"Will?" She asked in an attempt to pull his attention away from whatever sheet music he was staring at. "Have you seen Rachel?"

Before answering, he looked around the room. Obviously, she wasn't there. "I don't think she came back yet." Looking at his watch, he continued, "It has been a while though. She should've been back by now."

"Quinn's not here either." He looked around again, this time to confirm her words.

"That's never good."

"I didn't think so." The words were obviously laced with worry.

"Has anyone seen Rachel or Quinn?" He put the question out to the group of outcasts. They would know where they were or at least where to look. Watching all the reactions, Shelby and Will just got a bunch of head shakes. No one saw them? Really?

"The last I saw them was when I left the locker rooms." Mercedes offered the first lead.

"Q and Yenta…" Receiving Shelby's confused, yet head snapping, glare, Santana corrected herself. "Quinn was changing when we all left and Rachel was just coming in."

"Mercedes, go tell them to hurry up. We're almost done with everyone else and no one's leaving here until everyone has been fitted." It wasn't a request, it was a demand. Mercedes knew that and didn't question it at all.

Leaving the others behind, Mercedes followed her orders. She knew nobody ignored a Coach Corcoran order unless they wanted an intense stare down and the rest of the club to hate them because of the intense and boot camp like rehearsal that would undoubtedly ensue. The hallway was empty and quiet, for the most part. But as she got closer to the locker room, she could hear rumblings of raised voices. She couldn't make out the words, and she very well was going to try, but she could tell that it was a Quinn and Rachel fight. That much was obvious. The only question was whether she wanted to storm in and break it up right away or get close enough to hear and eavesdrop a little first. She went with the latter. Anyone else would've done the same.

The fight continued, both girls unaware of Mercedes approaching presence. "I will not stand here and listen to such wildly libelous accusations on your part. Not everyone is you Quinn. Not everyone makes your mistakes." She tried to keep a level head. Her heart really wasn't into the fight. At that moment, all she wanted to do was release the nothing that was in her stomach and run or dance or work the elliptical until the lightheadedness freed her from her feelings and took over as the world turned a familiar shade of black. The shouting match wasn't doing anything for her needs. But giving in to her dark thoughts, she missed the chord being ripped and Quinn's curiosity turned to anger.

"You little bitch!" She almost lunged at her, but she stopped herself. "I was trying to help you." It was a pack of lies, but Rachel didn't know that. Or so she thought…

"No Quinn. You were just trying to help yourself. Everything is always about you. Anything to make you feel better about the choices you've made and the life you've led. But I'm not going to be your patsy. You can think what you want Quinn, but not everyone has a bad day and gets drunk on wine coolers and ultimately gets impregnated by their boyfriend's best friend all while in high school." The calm of Rachel's tone wasn't helping Quinn keep herself calm as well. Although Rachel didn't say anything that wasn't true, facing the truth of her words just made Quinn angrier. And so, she snapped.

"Maybe I did make some bad choices, but at least I have a mom who loves me." She decided to neglect the short period of disownment. "My mom doesn't pity me and take care of me just because my other parents died. Your fathers probably killed themselves just to get away from you. God knows no one else can stand you. They probably couldn't look at your disgusting face anymore. How long will it be before Shelby leaves you too?" Quinn smiled at the defeat written all over Rachel's face. Her eyes were near tears and her body threatened to shake from violent sobs. Quinn had won, but had she really? She didn't get the sense of accomplishment she was searching for. She couldn't understand why yet.

Neither girl noticed when Mercedes finally opened the door, catching that last cut from Quinn. "That's enough. Mr. Schue and Ms. Corcoran are looking for you. You need to get your fitting done." Although slightly startled from the voice, Quinn and Rachel never ceased to lock eyes, both looking like they had something left to say. "Come on. Let's go." Mercedes demanded, but Rachel had to say one last thing.

"You can think whatever you want Quinn. You can tell people whatever you want because I know the truth and that's what matters." Again with the lies. She knew whatever rumors would come out would crush her. But it was that or her secret and she wasn't ready to lose her vice. "So do what you need to get all the way to the top, to make yourself feel better because I don't care." She had a few choice words she wanted to add after the because, but that was neither here nor there. She had to control herself, be the bigger person. Because she was, literally, the bigger person. "But don't for one second think that you know me or anything about me. So just leave me alone." And just like that, before anyone could say another word, in true Diva fashion, she stormed out and left a bewildered Mercedes and a quiet Quinn behind. After a moment to collect herself, Quinn followed in Rachel's footsteps back to the classroom.

Rachel tried to pull herself together on the way back to the choir room. No tears allowed, no emotion should be felt; she wasn't going to let Quinn get to her. All she had to do was think that her secret was still safe and the sense of doom, at least, lessened. It was still there, and anyone who looked at her could see that she was wearing her show face, the glassy eyes were a dead give away, but she'd be able to continue with her only sense of relief the world offered her. And it was something she desperately needed at that moment as Quinn's words ran through her head over and over.

She was so out of it that she hadn't even noticed she arrived at her destination and was standing in front of her mother waiting to be fitted. "Do you want to talk about it?" Shelby asked, seeing right through the half assed smile and dimly lit eyes. Something obviously happened.

"I just want to get this over with and go to dance class." Shelby nodded and got to work, for the first time noticing that Rachel was thinner than she expected and the dress was nowhere near the size it should've been. Maybe they ordered the wrong size? Her thoughts were cut short by the sound of the door slamming open. Both her and Rachel snapped their heads in that direction.

Quinn, arms crossed and scowl faced, walked right into the room, ignoring the questioning looks and odd stares, especially the Corcoran glare Rachel inherited from her mother. She never saw that on her face before. Behind her was Mercedes struggling to get the girl to listen to her. She had been trying since they left the locker room, but Quinn stayed stone faced and silent the entire way. Again, she followed the blonde to the empty, and more secluded, chairs by the piano. Sitting next to her, she waited for a less angry look to take over the cheerleader's face. When she realized that wasn't going to happen, she just took her chances.

"Now can you tell me what that was about?" Mercedes, quietly, questioned for the umpteenth time, finally getting enough of Quinn's attention for the girl to actually hear her. Quinn turned to her before answering. She didn't know if it was true, and if she really took the time to push through her anger and piece the clues together, she'd know it wasn't, but at that moment, the anger and everything bad thing she ever felt for Rachel just forced the words out.

"Rachel's pregnant." And thus, the rumor mill began…

**I'm sorry about the prolonged wait. I think this has been the longest interlude between updates. What can I say, life happens.**

**As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…**

**This is not my favorite chapter. It didn't come out at all like I envisioned in my mind, but still, enjoy it nonetheless. Next chapter is Sectionals. I have quite a few ideas for that, haven't decided which one to go with, but I think I know which I'm leaning toward. So, until next time…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	14. Rumor Has It

Chapter 14: Rumor Has It

The moment she left Quinn in the locker room with Mercedes, she knew some sort of rumor would start. She was hoping it'd be something stupid, like they were fighting over Finn again or that they were threatening each other with a sing off. No such luck existed for Rachel.

That night, she threw herself into her dance class, ran an hour as far and fast as she could, did another hour on the elliptical, and even managed a round or two of purging with little to no food actually consumed. She locked herself in her room, neglecting the calls from her mother. She didn't want to deal with anyone, especially her. People already thought very little of her, not just little of her character, but little about her in general too. What would they think after all the fake news spread? She definitely didn't want to deal with that. If she could've, she would've disappeared and never came back, but that didn't seem like a viable option.

All her fears were confirmed the next day in school. Word was absolutely making its rounds. That was clear by the first slushie facial she received in quite some time. That time it was followed up by a second and third. Apparently she needed a whole body treatment. She skipped lunch that day. Instead, spending time in her bathroom first cleaning herself up then chugging a bottle of water, no food, and flushing her problems away.

Walking down the halls, she could actually hear the whispers. It wasn't imagined that time, like she had done previously. There were whispers and looks, lots of questions, and they were all directed at her. "Who would want to sleep with her?" "I wonder if she's as annoying in bed as she is out." "Imagine the nose that kid would have." They were all so cruel and daunting. She thought this would be the better rumor, that she would be able to handle it better, get through it faster because it was a lie. Her life was still hidden, but it all seemed to be out there on display. Why couldn't Quinn just keep her mouth shut?

All the glee members heard the rumor by that Wednesday. During every rehearsal, every number, every step, she could feel their eyes burning the back of her head. She could feel Quinn's self satisfied smile and Puck's questioning confusion. It seemed the only people who didn't know what was going on were the teachers. But that would come soon enough.

Sure enough, that day after glee was over and Shelby was trying to get her into the car, Rachel was called over by Puck. "Ms. Corcoran, would it be ok if I drove Rachel home today?" He had ulterior motives, but Shelby realized that Rachel had been even more quiet than normal. She hasn't eaten much over the past few days and she barely even left her room. If Puck could change any of that, she was going to give him the opportunity.

"Rachel?" She asked, just trying to make sure she was ok with it.

"Fine." She said to Puck before turning to Shelby. "I'll see you at home." They watched Shelby drive away before saying anything else. "What is this about Noah?"

"There's a rumor going around about you. Did you hear it?"

"Most people have heard it Noah. What's the point to this conversation?" She knew where it was going and she wasn't in the mood for it. She really just didn't have the energy to deal with the crap that'd been dumped on her anymore.

"Did you know you were pregnant when you slept with me?"

"Do you hear yourself when you speak? What kind of question is that?"

"It's a fair question Rach? Were you going to pass the baby off as mine like Quinn did with Finn?" Do people think before they speak? What the hell was wrong with everyone? It just went to show that no one really knew her. No one cared enough to try.

"You are the only guy I've ever been with Noah. Maybe it meant something to you, maybe it didn't. I know what it meant to me so it really doesn't matter. But I thought you'd be better than this. I thought you would think more of me." She took a second to really look him in the eye and gauge his reaction. There was something there; she just wasn't sure what it was. "Obviously I was wrong." Deciding against getting in a car with him, Rachel turned to walk away."

"Wait!"

She turned around again. "What is it Noah?"

"You said I was you're first." She nodded while giving off a "where's this going" vibe. "Does that make it mine?"

"You're smarter than this Puck." He didn't like it when she used that name. That usually meant he did something wrong and she was upset with him, which she was. "It would take longer than the few days that passed since our encounter to even suspect pregnancy. And we used protection. So you see there'd have to be an it for it to be anyone's." Once again she walked away, this time not giving Puck the option to stop her. However, she did hear him call after her.

"Let me drive you home!" He called over the distance between them, shouting over the sounds of car exhaust and roaring engines.

"I'd rather walk." And that wasn't a lie. She was upset and angry. She didn't have access to food or a bathroom, so she needed something. Plus, she really needed the exercise. Quinn validated everything she already knew, what everyone really thought about her. She was disgusting and ugly and fat and every nasty thing a person could possibly be. That was her. And she had to do something about it. Walking home was a start.

It took over an hour to get back to Shelby's. Rachel decided to take the long, roundabout way of getting there basically circling the town. She passed her old house, her home, not missing the sold sign clearly displayed on the front lawn. It broke her heart to see it. The last piece of her life with her family was sold off to some new family, probably the perfect one at that. Behind the big white oak door would be the loving mother and father with the perfect son and daughter and a dog to boot. The only thing missing from their picture perfect family was the picket fence out front.

The actual fact that the house was sold wasn't a surprise. The will stipulated that if Rachel were underage and would no longer be living there, that the house be sold and the money be put into an account for her college tuition and expenses for following her dreams. That's all they ever wanted for her and she knew that. That was why they pushed her so hard and didn't mind paying for all the lessons she asked for. They just wanted her to be happy and she couldn't even give them that. The only time she seemed genuinely happy, and not that performance piece happy crap that she shows the rest of the world, is when she does things that to the masses would be deemed vile and disgusting. She was vile and disgusting.

Walking through the front door, Rachel was immediately greeted by the sight of a happy Shelby and the sounds of a giggling Beth. Jealousy coursed her veins, but she reminded herself she shouldn't feel that. There was nothing to be jealous of. Shelby was nothing more than a human incubator and forced guardian. She shouldn't be feeling anything and she definitely shouldn't care about it. Yet, she did. She tried to sneak by, doing her best not to disturb the perfect mother daughter moment, but as she headed for the stairs, her weight on the wooden step created a loud creak.

"Rachel? You're home?"

"It would appear that way."

"How was your time with Noah?"

"It was fine." She didn't want to talk at all. The entire school thought she was a slut. Quinn was spreading false information to use it to her own advantage. And, she was fat, ugly, big nosed, and, again, fat. Elaborating in anyway, or confiding in her mother at all, just wasn't fathomable. Who would want Rachel as a daughter? And more importantly, why would Shelby care at all? She had no reason to, and Rachel had to accept that.

Rachel was about to leave for her room. She didn't want to deal with her mother or the rest of the world. She just wanted to get in a workout, write in her journal, and follow up on her rituals. Shelby had different ideas. "Rachel? Can you come back down here please?"

Releasing a long sigh and going over any escape options, only to realize there were none, Rachel gave in and forced herself into the living room. "What is it?" She asked in the most passive tone she could muster; yet, it still came out with a little bit of snarkiness.

"Watch the attitude." Shelby snapped back while patting the seat next to her on the couch.

"I'm sorry. It has just been a long day. What did you want me for?"

"I wanted to continue our discussion from the other day."

"You mean the one that we decided to table?"

"Yes, that one. We need to have a real talk, not just the basics and the run around act. I want to get to know you. I want you to open up."

"Why?"

"Why what?" Shelby asked, clearly confused. Was she really asking why her own mother wanted to get to know her?

"Why now?"

"Why am I bringing this up now?"

Rachel was getting frustrated and Shelby just wasn't getting it. "Why do you want to know about me now?" Her voice was raised even with her attempt to veil her irritation. "If my dads were alive and you didn't have to take me in, would we be having any sort of conversation at all… ever?" Shelby looked dumbfounded.

"First of all, I wasn't forced to take you. I could have said no." Saying that did nothing for Rachel. If anything, it just validated her thoughts about her mother pitying her. "And second of all, yes. I do believe we'd have some sort of a relationship even if you weren't living with me." Seeing the questioning look on her daughter's face, Shelby decided to elaborate. "You were, you are, in my class. We would have been forced to see and talk to each other no matter what."

"Yeah, so we'd exchange cordial greetings and talk about school work. That's not any different than what you'd have with any other student."

"No, it's not, but it's better than nothing. At least to me it is."

"Why did you even come back here? You could've accepted a job anywhere. You could've gone back to Carmel. So why did you come to McKinley?"

"I came for Beth." Obviously that wasn't what Rachel wanted to hear, and if she said it didn't sting a little to hear that leave her mother's mouth, she'd be lying. "I came so I could spend more time with her instead of working all the time. I came so Puck and Quinn wouldn't miss out on her life like I missed out on yours." She waited a moment to see Rachel's reaction, but she didn't get one. Rachel was stoic as ever and, although she was upset, she wasn't shoeing anything. "But I also came back for you."

Rachel's head shot up at that one. That wasn't true. She knew that. Her mother was just telling her that so she wouldn't feel bad for talking about her precious Beth and so Rachel wouldn't feel like the after thought she was. "I don't believe that." She said it so quietly it was barely audible, but Shelby didn't miss it. She almost wished she did, but she heard it loud and clear.

"Rachel…" Shelby said in a low and drawn out way, but she never got to continue because of the knock at the door. Rachel just got up from the couch and headed for the foyer.

"I'll get it."

"Rachel!" Shelby called, hoping beyond reason that she'd ignore the door for just a minute so she could say what she wanted to say. It was unlikely, and she knew that, so when Rachel foraged ahead and answered the door, she really wasn't surprised in the least. Evading seemed to be her daughter's new specialty.

Ignoring Shelby, Rachel rushed to the door, but didn't answer it right away. She wasn't expecting anyone and neither was Shelby, and since Beth was too young for visitors, it was either a salesperson or someone looking for one of them. A part of her was grateful for the distraction. She wanted to rip open the door and scream thank you, but at the same time it could've been Puck or one of the other glee members looking to harass her some more. She was already getting slushied again, she wouldn't put coming to the house for some verbal abuse past anyone of her school mates. Maybe they were there to egg the house, or worse, egg her when she opened the door. Another knock came from the door and she was pulled from her reverie. Shelby was also approaching, obviously annoyed from the continuous knocking and Rachel's apparent evasion.

"Are you going to answer the door?"

"Yes." And she did. Slowly she pulled the door open bracing herself for any possible attack. She was happy when she saw who it actually was. At least she wouldn't be picking egg shells out of her hair for the next few hours. "Kurt? What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you. Can I come in?" Rachel didn't answer, instead opting to glare at Shelby waiting for her permission.

"Well, someone's popular today."

"Whatever, can he come in?"

"Of course. Kurt, come on in."

"Great." She grabbed his hand and practically pulled him up the first few steps of the stairs before calling back to her mother. "We'll be in my room."

"Ok Rachel, you can let go now." Kurt instructed as she slammed the door behind them. She hadn't even noticed the tight hold she had on his hand. It wasn't on purpose, she just wanted to get away from a conversation she still wasn't ready to have. If she let her mother in, she would get her that much more when Shelby finally realized that, while she thinks she cares about Rachel and wants to be a part of her life, the truth was that it was all based on pity and need. Then she'd leave Rachel high and dry and she'd be so devastated she wouldn't know how to come back from it. And it wasn't like Rachel didn't have enough pain in her life as it was.

"I'm sorry." She released his hand and really looked into her eyes. At that moment she knew why he was there. At least she had her suspicions, but she needed them confirmed. "So what brings you by Kurt?"

"Can't a gay just hang out with a fellow diva?" That question brought a smile to Rachel's face as she took a seat on her bed.

"I would say yes, but I know that's not why you are here. Out with it. Why did you really come by?" Kurt joined her on the bed, sitting across from her so they'd be facing each other when they spoke. She watched as he struggled to talk, his mouth opening and closing a number of times. It was obviously about the rumor. She was impatient because she didn't want to have that conversation again. Why did everyone think so little of her? Anyways, she decided to help him spit it out. "Just ask what you want to ask Kurt. Drawing it out is only going to make it harder."

"You know I'd be here for you right? We all would."

"Be here for me for what? That wasn't the question you were going to ask."

"No…" He was still stalling, alternating between playing with a button on his vest and the edge of his scarf. Seriously looking in her eyes for the truth, he finally asked. "So is it true?" So it wasn't the exact question, and she needed to hear him ask that question, but at least they were getting there.

"Is what true Kurt? You have to be a bit more specific."

"Are you pregnant?" And there it was. It didn't make her feel any better to have it out there. She thought it would. She noticed him avoiding her, probably unsure how to broach the subject with her. She let out a heavy sigh and stood from the bed. Before she could say anything, Kurt jumped from the bed, let out a gasp, and put a hand to his mouth. "Oh my holy gaga, you are. You're pregnant…"

"No Kurt I'm not!" Her anger was quickly rising. "Why is everyone so quick to believe that I am? Does everyone want to see me fall so bad? I don't understand. And you're my friend Kurt. At least I thought you were. You're supposed to defend me and believe in me. You're just as bad as the rest of them."

"Rachel…" He pleaded as she began to pace. "Please don't be mad. It's not like that."

"Not like what? What is it supposed to be like?"

"Rachel, the reason I've maybe been avoiding you is because I didn't want to believe the rumors. They were just so persistent and then people said there was proof. So I just let it all fill my head."

"So you just believe them? Without coming to me and asking me, you just believe them? You know the other rumor is that I don't even know who the baby's father is? So the whole school is, basically, calling me a slut and saying I'm having some mystery man's illegitimate offspring and you just go with it? What kind of friend does that?"

"I'm so sorry Rachel, but they said they caught you throwing up. They said you had morning sickness and all that other stuff."

"People throw up for all different reasons Kurt. A little vomit isn't a baby make. And if I were pregnant, I'd know who the father is because despite what every loser at that school thinks of me, I don't sleep around and I'm most definitely not a slut. But the worst part about this all is that I didn't have my friend to help me through it. Instead of coming to me and asking me right away, you avoided me. I had to deal with this all on my own and when I got slushied everyday this week, where were you? Where were my friends to offer to go get the clean clothes from my locker of to help get all of the gunk out of my hair? Where were you?"

"I said I'm sorry Rach…" She cut him off. The rant was not over and she wouldn't stop until he heard everything. After dealing with Noah and then her mother's need to talk, he was getting her emotional sewage. The tank was full and there wasn't a way to do her normal eradication procedure, so Kurt was the lucky recipient of Rant de Rachel.

"Well that's great Kurt. You're sorry. But here's another thing. I'm glad I know how everyone truly feels about me. I mean, where was all my support? Everyone thinks I'm pregnant and all I get are more crude comments and people questioning me. Where's my song of support or the 'we'll be here for you' pep talk? I guess all of that was reserved for Quinn and Quinn alone. Good to know that her bastard spawn is worth more than mine."

"Rachel that spawn is your sister."

"No, she is Shelby's daughter, and a toddler I happen to occupy space with from time to time. But that doesn't matter right now. I think we're done here. You should leave."

"I don't want to leave when you're like this."

"Like what Kurt? Upset? Yes, I'm upset and I have every right to be. But you need to leave." He hesitated, not moving even the slightest bit from his spot. "Now! Leave now!" He shook his head in defeat, realizing he wasn't going to get anywhere when she was obviously upset to a point on the verge of hysterics. Accepting that there was no other choice, Kurt started to leave, placing, what was meant to be, a comforting hand on her shoulder. Her only response was to shrug him off and quickly shut the door behind him. The first thing she needed to do… raid her private stash. It was strictly for emergencies, but she figured the day she had definitely qualified.

As Rachel was finding her own form of emotional release, Kurt scrambled down the stairs nearing tears with each passing step. However, he was doing his best to conceal that fact as he'd undoubtedly pass Shelby on his way out. He rushed his way to the door, but didn't quite make it. Shelby was coming in from the kitchen when she spotted him.

"Leaving already?" She asked, not yet noticing the boy's state of mind.

"Yeah." His voice was timid and quiet. He refused to turn and face her, just standing there, his back to her, his shoulders slumped and body tense. The smile on her face was beginning to fade. Something happened between the two teens. What was it?

"Is something wrong Kurt? Did something happen?" He could read her concern and he knew it was genuine. But he also knew that Rachel didn't see that and she wouldn't want him to say anything to Shelby. And no matter how angry Rachel was at the moment, she'd eventually forgive him, but it would be a lot worse if he talked to Shelby about anything, so he wouldn't.

"No, I just have to be home, family dinner. Bye Ms. Corcoran." Yet to turn and face her, he opened the door and made a hasty exit.

"Bye Kurt." She said, her voice waning as she knew he wouldn't hear her. By his actions and inactions alone, Shelby could tell there was something a lot deeper going on and decided to go check on Rachel. Beth was safe and sound in her playpen and dinner needed to cook for another thirty minutes, so there was no time like the present. Taking one last peek at Beth to make sure she was ok, Shelby headed up to Rachel's room. "Knock, knock…" She said, reiterating the sounds of her hand tapping against the wood. When she didn't get an answer, she pushed the door open and looked around. "Rachel?" She called, not seeing her daughter anywhere, but that's when she heard the sounds of water running and a toilet flush.

Bypassing the stoic Shelby standing, almost expectantly, in the middle of her room, Rachel just plopped down on her bed, face buried into the plush pillow. Muffled sounds along the lines of "What do you want?" were sounding through the room.

Shelby didn't let Rachel's obvious attitude and highly emotional state dissuade her from continuing. A few tears and puffy eyes weren't enough to scare Shelby away. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do you want to come up with a new question to ask?" Rachel sarcastically asked as she turned over on the bed. She did her best to act like she wasn't crying, quickly wiping away the evidence in the form of tear tracks on her cheeks. She shouldn't have been crying. She had to realize she never really had any friends to begin with. No one wants to be friends with the fat, bossy outcast. That just wasn't the way of the world. She should have realized that sooner then this, whatever it was, wouldn't have bothered her so much. When she got her hopes up, it was always an inevitability that the world around her would come crashing in on her like a collapsing cave, effectively trapping her in an emotional abyss. She just wanted to be alone. That's what she deserved. She deserved to be alone, separated from the rest of the world like dark secret.

"Please Rachel, just drop the attitude. I just came up here to see if you were alright. Kurt seemed upset and he left in a hurry. And now I see you and it looks like you've been crying." She sat on the bed and hesitated a moment, her hand hovered over Rachel's form. She wanted to make that connection with Rachel, to give her a comforting squeeze and show her support, but she didn't know if Rachel would accept it, and she didn't know if she wanted to deal with the rejection. But she went for it anyway and rested her hand on Rachel's upper arm as the girl laid on her side, once again facing away from Shelby. "I just want you to talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Did the two of you get into a fight?" Much to her surprise and excitement, her gesture was well received. Rachel didn't flinch and push her away. If anything, she just acted like it never happened. But that was something. In actuality, Rachel didn't even register the touch. All she was thinking about was how oblivious Shelby was to Rachel's actual life. There were several options really. Shelby really was oblivious to the rumors, the rumors hadn't reached the teachers yet, which would make Rachel very happy, or she just didn't care.

"Please just leave me alone. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to listen to my music and work on my project." Shelby was slightly pleased with that answer. Under normal circumstances, that wouldn't have been the ideal answer, but she was more forthcoming than she'd been since she got there and Shelby didn't really have to drag it out of her. What she didn't know was that Rachel was in for another round of bathroom appointments and excessive exercise. She'd do what she told Shelby she wanted. She'd listen to her mp3 while she worked out and she'd add some finishing touches to her presentation, but most of the night would be spent feeding her addiction. And that's exactly what it was; an addiction.

Shelby stood from the bed, reluctantly loosing the only intimacy she'd had with her daughter in quite some time. "Fine, I'll go. Will you at least come down for dinner?"

"I told you. I ate already."

"Ok. I'll come check on you later."

"Don't bother."

"Rachel, stop that. I want to and I will check on you later." With that, she left and the routine ensued. The conversation that Shelby so badly wanted to continue, so badly wanted to let Rachel know she truly cared, dropped once again, put off for another time.

It was finally Friday. Rachel had been avoiding everyone, ignoring the few texts she got and the excessive calls from Kurt. She wasn't ready to forgive him. Maybe it was irrational, but it was how she felt. She ignored Puck too. The way he just jumped to conclusions irked her. Why was everyone just so maddening? For Rachel the day was long. She brought three pairs of seemingly identical outfits, all of which were used after several slushy bombs, but that wasn't even the worst of it. Glee, the one thing she usually looked forward to, her safe haven; it was glee that made the bad worse.

Shelby's day didn't go much better. With the exception of the few people in the office in charge of confidential paperwork and the glee club, most people didn't know she was Rachel's mother. That was both good and bad. It meant the other teachers wouldn't censor what they said around her. They wouldn't get all hush, hush and secretive when she came into a room, not even when discussing Rachel. But that also meant that she heard all the things about Rachel. Up until that day, everything was good. Mostly, they were saying that she's a promising student, but has gotten quiet since her parent's unfortunate demise. That was no secret, but what she walked in on that day really threw her for a loop. The first half of the day was fine, but everything changed after walking into the teacher's lounge.

"Did you hear the rumors too?" Shelby loved the idle gossip, so as she ate her lunch, she inconspicuously leaned back in her chair in order to hear better. She'd regret it later.

"It's so sad isn't it? She's just sixteen. It's like the Fabray girl all over again." Someone was pregnant…That wasn't hard for Shelby to figure out. But it did get her curious. Who got herself knocked up this time?

"I didn't expect it from her."

"I know she's one of my brightest students. She's so much smarter than this."

"I heard she doesn't even know who the father is. That glee club is like an incestuous group." Glee club? Now Shelby was really listening. "They pass along partners like they're sharing a toy or something. It's a little unnerving." They really didn't know what they were talking about.

"But her? I never would have guessed it'd be her. Santana maybe, even the Pierce girl, but not Rachel." Rachel? Shelby's entire body tensed after hearing her name and she practically choked on her coffee.

"Ah, Shelby right?" She nodded her head as she tried to control the coughing that came from nearly choking. "Are you alright?"

"Fine. What was it that you were talking about? I heard you say Rachel. As in Rachel Berry?"

"You haven't heard?" Shelby shook her head. She needed to hear it directed to her, not just in a conversation she dropped in on. "It's all around school."

"What is exactly?" It needed repeating. She needed to hear it from their mouths directly to her ears.

"Well…" Her colleague began, way too excited about a potentially life altering and earth shattering revelation. "The kids are saying that she's pregnant. Apparently someone caught her with a pregnancy test in the bathroom."

"And to make matters worse, she doesn't even know whose it is. I hear there's up to three potential fathers." Shelby didn't like how the gossip made them so happy. That was her daughter they were talking about. Hearing the words didn't make it any better or any more real. It just made the rumor known and led to more questions.

"That doesn't sound like Rachel."

"I know. She's so smart and she seems like such a good kid, but she has been different for a while. Even before her dads died." That last part was news to her.

"How's that?"

"She was in my class freshman year. She always answered questions, never missed a beat, and she was always smiling. This year, you're lucky if she raises her hand to ask to use the bathroom. And she still smiles, but it's not the same."

"I see." Shelby collected the rest of her lunch. "It was nice talking to you." She said as she left the room. She needed to find Rachel. They obviously had a lot to talk about. She wasn't ready to be a grandmother. She was just too young. Both she and Rachel were just too young. She immediately went looking for Rachel, her head in the middle of a tailspin. There were so many thoughts and nothing was being processed. Maybe it was a good thing she couldn't find her daughter. It gave her some time to clear her mind a little, figure out what she was going to say. Her students enjoyed it too because she wasn't as tough on the as she usually was.

Rachel would've been happy with the small reprieve if she knew she had it. Her day was bad enough without a very public showdown with her mother in the middle of the school hallway. But as soon as the last bell rang she ran to the choir room as quickly as possible. She needed to avoid the Cheerios and all the sports teams and anyone else with even a little credibility in the social standings. She was slushied several times and she couldn't risk it again. She didn't have any clothes left. But showing up early meant that she'd have to be around the glee kids longer. Most of them were avoiding her, not really sure what to believe, but she could tell they wanted to talk about it, ask about it. That was why she never wanted to be alone with them, but then she was. She was an open target and there'd be no putting them off.

They didn't waste any time either. At first it was one by one, the room slowly filling. She really was that early. And at first they said nothing. The few that were in there shared a knowing look. They wanted to ask, but they didn't at the same time, and Rachel could feel their eyes burning the back of her head. She just refused to look at any of them. The most eye contact they got with her was when she looked to the door to see who was coming in, but the silence was quickly broken.

"So Rachel…" He paused. How to continue?

"Spit it out Artie."

"There's some stuff going around school and we just wanted to let you know we were here for you if you wanted to talk."

"Yeah Rachel." Tina added. "Whatever you need." They assumed it was true. Didn't they at least want to ask? Shouldn't they care enough to ask rather than just assume the worst? Rachel decided to just let it go, not add to her rising anger by giving any reaction.

"Yeah… whatever." They were the easy ones. Probably one of the nicest ones too. They might have just assumed she was a knocked up slut, but at least they didn't badger her about it. They just wanted too.

Then there was Santana and Brittany. "So Man Hands," she started, "all these things are floating around school and I need to hear it straight from the drag queen's mouth. What's the deal? Are you only a prude in the day time, but come nightfall you're a freak in the sheets, a natural vixen? Who's stupid enough to knock you up?" Rachel just glared at her, her fists tightly clenched in her lap. What was wrong with these people?

"Rachel's having a baby?" Brittany chimed in showing how truly naive and clueless she could be at times. But no one could fault her for that. Her innocence, while sometimes made her seem stupid, was a quality to be admired. It was what made her, her. "A mini Rachel would be really pretty. Oh, maybe it will look like me!" Only Brittany…

"Alright, enough. I need the details. Now who got you to give it up? Or should I be asking who didn't? Because apparently there's a bunch of people you opened up to." Rachel sat there in silence. She wanted to bad to react, to lose her cool and fight or scream… something. But she couldn't. She didn't know why, but she couldn't. "Speak midget!"

"Shut up Santana!" An evil smirk took over Santana's face. She was surprised and amused and waiting for more all at once.

"Wow treasure trails, I didn't know you had it in you. But just because you might be a little delicate right now," she said while pointing to Rachel's stomach, "doesn't mean I won't go all Lima Heights Adjacent on your preggers ass."

"You can't hurt her if she's pregnant San." Brittany reminded her.

Mercedes thought that was a good time to add in her two cents. She leaned closer to Rachel and in a tone a little louder than a whisper said, "Kurt told me that it wasn't true, but if you were really lying, do you think I could be the Godmother?" Rachel's head snapped in her direction with a look of pure disgust. Really? Seriously? Kurt remained oddly silent, doing his best to look in any direction that wasn't Rachel.

Rachel was about to say something when Finn made his grand entrance, Quinn trailing right behind him, watching the scene unfold in utter amusement. "Rachel is it true?" He asked, shouting from the entryway. He didn't even give her a chance to respond before going on his tangent. "How could you do this to me?" To him? "I've been holding my breath for a while now, but how could you? We were together for a long time and you wouldn't do anything with me. We break up and you hop into the next warm bed with some random guy. And if the rumors hold any truth it wasn't just one guy!" He practically threw his hands up in the air with pure distain. These people were all ridiculous. Some friends. "Jesus Rachel, what's wrong with you?" Rachel was on the verge of tears, but she refused to cry. Everyone was staring at her during Finn's Rachel bash and Quinn was completely happy that her plan succeeded. But Rachel had to speak up. She couldn't take it anymore.

"That's enough! It's not true! None of it's true! Quinn's just a vindictive bitch who gets off on hurting others to make herself feel more important! And that's all I'm going to say, so drop it… now!" The last word was poignant and there was a force in her voice that rivaled Shelby at her best Coach Corcoran moment. No one wanted to push her any further; mostly because they were afraid to find out what she'd do. They knew she meant business when there was swearing involved. But right after her little outburst, Mr. Schue made his entrance. He saw the look on Rachel's face, the scowl and pain. Then he looked around and saw guilty faces on some of the other kids, surprised faces on the rest; Quinn with a mixture of both as a few of the others looked at her.

"Is everything ok guys? Did something happen?" His gaze passed every face, taking in the tension of the room.

Rachel took the initiative to answer for them. If Mr. Schue didn't hear the rumor, none of them were going to fill him in on it. "Everything's just fine. Let's just talk about sectionals."

"Ok, we can do that."

"Where's Ms. Corcoran?" Quinn asked. She really wanted to stir the pot.

"She'd running a little late. The tailor finished with the adjustments and she went to go pick them up. She should be here soon though." He failed to mention that she jumped on the opportunity to get out for a little while. Something had her frazzled and he had no doubt it had something to do with Rachel. He tried to ask her what it was, but she just let out some incoherent babble about schools and chatty teachers and, if he wasn't mistaken, something about a baby. He thought for a second it was about the rumors, but she had to know they weren't true. Right?

Mr. Schue went on and on about the routines. He was giving some sort of pep talk and talking about some last minute adjustments. The only thing left to talk about was the solo. It was obvious that it belonged to Rachel, but they haven't picked the final song. He usually waited until the last minute. Rachel wasn't really listening. She was distracted, and obviously so was Santana. She was sitting right behind Rachel, faking listening to Schuester's lecture, when she leaned in, her face parallel to Rachel's.

"So you never did tell. Who's the daddy?"

"You're infuriating Santana. Just leave me alone." Santana listened. It wasn't so much listened, but rather Brittany pulled her back and snuggled the chair closer to hers. Rachel was grateful. But then she caught the end of the speech.

"So let's talk about the solo. We have some suggestions already, but they all seem over done. Rachel do you have any suggestions?"

"Hold up Mr. Schue. Don't you think the others should get a chance at the solo? And by others, I mean me." Everyone was looking at her. "We all know I'm the best singer we got, and I deserve it more than Rachel. The only reason she gets it is because she'd like your little pet. But this sister has soul and a voice that will rock those judges world."

"Mercedes, we've been over this. We already had a diva off this year and we went with Rachel. However, you'll have another shot if we make it to Regionals."

"That's really not fair. Why does she get…?" Rachel had enough. It was time to say something. They all thought they were better than her, let them prove it.

"You know what? I've had enough." She stood abruptly from her seat and turned to the group, Mercedes first. "Mercedes. You want the solo so bad? Take it. I don't care anymore. I'm so sick of all of you. You belittle me and call me names. You really don't appreciate my talents. Well, you all think you're so great and that you don't need me. So prove it. I'm done." She grabbed her bags and started for the door. "Have fun at Sectionals without me. I quit." She stormed out of the room running into Shelby on the way. That didn't stop her though. There was a, "I'll see you at the house." But, she just kept going as Shelby walked into the room.

"What was that about? Do I need to go after her?"

"Your daughter's a diva. That's what it's about. She just stormed out after quitting."

"What?" She was genuinely surprised. Why would she quit? "What happened?"

"I'll fill you in on the details later. You should just let her cool off." He said quietly to his co coach before addressing the group. "I don't know what happened before I came into the room, but by the way everyone looked when I walked in, it was obviously something. Whatever just happened wasn't just about the solo. But you all better hope that she comes back and this is just another one of her storm outs, because if she doesn't come to Sectionals, we don't have enough members to compete." He turned to Shelby once again. "I think we're done for the day." Although confused, Shelby nodded in agreement. "You should all try to work things out with Rachel. We are like a family, and whatever this is about isn't worth it."

The members all left leaving a flustered Shelby and Will behind. He immediately filled Shelby in on what happened. She knew it was more than the solo this time. It had to be the rumors. When she brought it up with Schue, he just shot the idea down He told her how ridiculous the idea was. It wasn't Rachel, and while she could've made that mistake, she was such an emotional girl that it wouldn't be much of a secret anymore. Shelby agreed with what he was saying and immediately felt guilty. Her daughter's teacher knew her better than her own mother. How could he believe the best in her while she so easily believed the stories that were probably spread by some insecure bully? Everything was just out of control.

"I'm going to talk to her. Don't worry Will. She'll be in glee on Monday and all the members will be there to compete. I'll make sure of it." He gave her a nod before exchanging parting greetings. "Bye, see you Monday." "Have a good weekend." That sort of thing. And then they both went home.

Shelby was home waiting for Rachel to return. Rachel ran to the nearest store to get supplies to restock her secret food drawer. All the junk food and vegan candy made the cashier look at her like the fat girl she felt. There was definitely a look of disgust exchanged before she paid and made her hasty exit. She slipped the rather large bag into her book bag and ran all the way home. Shelby didn't waste any time when she walked in the door.

"Where have you been? I tried calling. I thought it was another one of your disappearing acts."

"That happened once and I told you I wouldn't do it again. I apologized. And I said I'd meet you here. Didn't I? So what's the problem?"

"Your attitude is the problem." Shelby walked over to Rachel, pulled the bag off her shoulders and placed it on the ground, and then escorted her to the table to sit. "What happened in glee today Rachel?" She gave her patented stare.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Why'd you quit? Did something happen?"

"Nothing happened. I just don't want to be in glee anymore. It's not fun." She looked at her daughter skeptically.

"Does this have anything to do with the rumors?"

"What rumors?" She feigned surprise.

"You know what rumors Rachel. And I want you to know that I don't believe them, not for a minute." She neglected the part where that was a lie and she really, at least for a little while, thought she was going to be, well feel like, the world's youngest grandmother.

All Rachel could think about was what her mother was thinking about her. She must seem like some bed hopping Trollope. Now she really wouldn't want her as a daughter. Who would? "Well that's great." She pretended to believe her. "But I'm not going back to glee."

"Yes you are Rachel."

"You can't make me." She raised her voice, anger obvious. "And I won't do it."

"Rachel, just listen to me." She waited for the girl to calm a little before continuing. "You're an amazing performer, but glee was about more than that. They are your family. And I don't know what happened. I already said that, but whatever it is, it's not worth losing all of them. And that's what will happen if you quit. They need you to compete and they need you even more to win. So you're going back on Monday. I won't even make you apologize for storming out."

"Why are you doing this?"

"You'll thank me one day." She said with sincerity as she placed a hand on Rachel's shoulder. "Now I have to go run some errands and pick up our dinner. I need you to watch Beth."

"What? No!" She didn't feel comfortable with that, especially not with everything Quinn has been doing to her lately. Beth's mother hated Rachel, Beth was sure to hate her too. It was only a matter of time before the mini Quinn learned what a slushie was and how to use it.

"You'll be fine." Shelby told her as she was already halfway out the door. "I'll be back soon. Call me if there are any problems."

"Yeah, right…" She mumbled as she heard the door shut. She had never really been alone with Beth. A part of her was afraid to care about her. Much like she was afraid to care about Shelby. It was pretty stupid to be afraid of a tiny little kid. She wasn't even two yet.

"Ray-chel." She heard Beth say as the little girl tugged at her pants. It was the first time she said her name. It was kind of sweet. "Play."

"Oh Beth." She picked her up for the first time really and just looked at her. "You're kind of cute you know. I think it's the Puck in you. I hope you're not as mean as your birth mother when you're older. You don't want that."

"Ray play." She said gain, this time snuggling into Rachel's arms guaranteeing she'd get her way. Rachel grabbed one of the toys from the floor and began playing with Beth. They played for a while and she had to admit it wasn't so bad. She also felt good using the girl, who really couldn't talk back or understand, as a sounding board. She needed to get some things off of her chest. And what better way to do that than with a toddler who can't spill your secrets?

"Beth, my life's a mess. My teammates are mad at me. I'm mad at him. Nothing's the way it's supposed to be. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I wish my dads didn't die. I miss them you know. They may not have been there a lot in the end, but I loved them all the same. And don't tell anyone this, but Shelby's not so bad. She'll never love me, but she's not so bad. And neither are you. Just don't go around spreading cruel rumors about me. Ok?"

"Ok…" She had no idea what she was saying. But Beth said it was okay as she nestled against Rachel's chest ready for her pre dinner nap.

"Ok, good. I like you squirt. Don't tell your mom though. She might make me babysit you. And we don't want that. I might mess you up as much as I messed up myself. Shelby doesn't need two damaged children. But don't worry. Even if you make mistakes, she'll always love you. You're everything I could never be for her. You're her perfect little angel." Rachel talked a little more, even after she heard the quiet snores of slumber emitted from the little girl. She needed to get it all out to something, or someone, other than her journal. And for the first time in a long time, she felt herself relax. It was amazing what having a child in her arms could do. For the moment, she felt safe, and like Beth, she fell into a peaceful slumber. She hadn't had that in weeks. Her sleep had been restless and miniscule. She couldn't fall asleep, and when she did, it was impossible to stay asleep. But there, holding Beth on the couch, she did it. She got some rest and she had to enjoy it for however long it lasted.

That was the scene Shelby walked in on. "Rachel, I'm home." She called when opening the door. After receiving no answer she looked around a bit and found them fast asleep, cuddled on the couch. She knew it wouldn't happen often, if ever again, so she savored the moment as much as she could and decided to let them sleep. Once they woke up, Rachel would sulk and spend the rest of the weekend hidden in her room doing god knows what. But for that moment, they seemed like a real family. Her daughters were acting like sisters and she was doing her motherly duties. All was right in the world no matter how wrong it really was.

The rest of the weekend, and most of the next week, was spent exactly how Shelby predicted, with a few things she never would have predicted. Rachel, for no real reason, was having a difficult time. She exercised nonstop, binging more than usual. It was like she was on overdrive to compensate for something she didn't even know. Nonetheless, she was on a dangerous path.

Come Monday and Rachel's return to glee was pretty uneventful She had gotten some messages of apology over the weekend, but she ignored them all. She knew they didn't mean it. They needed her. No, they needed her voice and her body to make the count. They didn't need her. They definitely didn't want her.

"I'm back. But know that I don't forgive you, nor do I intend to. But I was threatened with severe punishment if I didn't return, and while I seriously considered my options, this choice won out." Shelby just rolled her eyes. That was her daughter alright.

"Well thank you Rachel." Will said as the group got started. The solo went to Rachel, this time without complaint.

The rest of the week was spent rehearsing, perfecting every routine and every note. It wasn't hard for Rachel, even with her aching body. She was pushing herself so hard, but she had to work through it. She had to do it. No pain, no gain. That was just the way of the world. The slushies didn't die down, and the rumors still swirled, but Rachel did her best to ignore them. She wasn't doing a great job, but she was trying. On top of that, there was still tension amongst the group. They talked a little, mostly because they had to. Schue threatened to keep them from competing if they didn't work things out. So they all agreed to be cordial with each other, for appearances sake. It was better than nothing. And the teachers seemed to by the act.

Before they knew it, they were a few districts over, ready to fight their way to Regionals. "New Directions, five minutes." Some stagehand called. The group was amped up, all scattered about the green room. Rachel was standing in front of the mirror putting on some final touches with her makeup. Shelby was in the audience. She wasn't technically a coach and she wanted to be able to watch like the rest of the spectators and tell the group how great they were while Will watched from backstage.

"Everyone finish getting ready." Schue instructed. "It's almost show time." Most people started for the door, Rachel hung back with a few others.

She stared, disgusted by her own reflection, into the mirror. "I feel like I'm one stick of gum away from someone screaming, 'Violet, you're turning violet, Violet!' Then I'll be rolled away to be squeezed back to a more acceptable size." She didn't say it to anyone in particular. In all honesty, she didn't think anyone could hear her.

"Well Violet, I think you look beautiful." Puck… She almost believed it.

"Whatever, let's go." They made their way to the stage. For some reason, Rachel was more nervous than ever before. And when they called their name and they got on stage, she actually felt butterflies. It wasn't about the talent. They were great, they did great, but it felt like the audience knew. It felt like they were whispering about her. She felt like they were all looking at her for the wrong reasons. It was like the rumors were told to friends and then to cousins and then to friends of cousins and then everyone knew. They all knew something that wasn't true and they were judging her, laughing at her. She needed to finish the number, get off stage and get her release. She needed it. She needed it right then and there.

The performance was flawless. Rachel's solo brought on a standing ovation. Santana and Finn rocked the duet. And the group number was a real crowd pleaser. They all knew they did great. And, while two more groups had to go, they knew they were better than the groups before them and felt that the prize was theirs. All of them headed back to the green room to celebrate their great show. Even if they didn't win, they were amazing and they knew it. Rachel, however, seemed to slip away. No one seemed to notice at first. No one ever really noticed her unless it was to make fun of her or they needed something from her, but she was definitely gone.

"Anyone seen Berry?" Puck asked. He was going to apologize again, for what he wasn't sure; he apologized so much he forgot what actually happened, and tell her she did great out there. But she wasn't around. The group all looked at him.

"I knew the room seemed a little too chill."

"Where is treasure trails?" Quinn just had to throw in her out little quip.

"I think she went to the bathroom." Brittany told them.

"Someone should go check on her. She has been gone a while." No one volunteered. There was just a long silence before Santana finally stepped up.

"Ah, whatever. I'll go find the midget." Everyone went back to their conversations as Santana made her way to the nearest ladies room. When she reached the room, she opened the door tentatively. "Berry if you're in there with morning sickness r some crap like that, I might just have to barf on you." She joked as she entered the room. "Man Hands, you here?" She asked again before walking further into the bathroom. It was oddly silent, but that was the only bathroom near them so she had to be in there. And that's when she saw her. "Aye dios mio! Rachel!" She frantically yelled.

**I am so very, very terribly sorry for the long wait. It's really not like me but it couldn't be helped. A part in my computer broke and the new one only just came in. But fret not, I have installed it. Well, let's be clear, I didn't install it because if I did the whole computer would have been irreparably damaged and the wait would be that much longer. But nonetheless, the part is in and I'm back in business. Life's really kicking my ass right now… So I hope and I thank all readers who have patiently waited for this story to return. Updates will be a little erratic because I haven't updated my other story, one I usually update one a week, in almost a month. So please bear with me while I get back on track. **

**Thankthatstar, the answer to your question is yes. I have it all worked out already, just wait for it.**

**As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…**

**This chapter is a little longer, so I hope that makes up for the wait a little. I know I'm a bitch for the tiny cliffhanger, but I bet you all figure out what happens. Next chapter will be up as soon as possible. Once I write the chapter for my other story, this is on my to do list. Normally I'd give some sort of spoiler here, but every time I give hints about what's coming up in the next chapter I end up looking like a liar, so I should really stop that. Well, until next time…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	15. I Think We've got a Problem

Chapter 15: I Think We've got a Problem

After the performance, Rachel just needed to get away. She did well, they all did, but she could have done better. She wasn't perfect, she missed a step, and she stumbled. That just wasn't good enough. On top of that, she still felt like all eyes were on her, staring at her with their knowing looks. She couldn't take it. So, while all the other kids in all their glory and high hopes of success and winning went to party the rest of their time away in their room backstage, Rachel needed to find the nearest bathroom.

On her mad dash through the foreign hallways, doing her best to escape the voices in her head, Rachel ran into someone. She literally ran into someone and fell to the ground. A familiar hand was held out in front of her. "Are you okay Rachel?"

"I'm fine." She barked, while accepting Brittany's hand. "I'm sorry." Her voice softened. It was her fault anyway, and she really didn't have any right to be mad at Brittany; not for the run in, not for her feelings, and not even for the glee blowout. Brittany was probably clueless to the whole thing. How could she fault her for anything when she didn't do anything?

"Where are you going?" She debated lying, but realized that'd be more suspicious. While what she was going to do wasn't wrong by any means, people tended to judge her and only see the error in her ways.

"I was just on my way to the bathroom. You should go with everyone else back to the green room. I'll be there soon."

"Okay Rachel." She shrugged and walked away.

Rachel didn't waste any more time getting to the bathroom. She didn't lock the door behind her, only because she was in too much of a hurry, but she did make sure to check that it was empty. Standing in front of the porcelain hole, Rachel felt different. Maybe it was the circumstances, maybe it was the feeling that she was being watched and constantly scrutinized, even more so than normal, but it felt like more than that. It felt so internal, like there was something wrong with her and not for doing it, but something physically wrong.

She decided it was just lack of sleep causing insomnia induced paranoia. Since that short lived nap with Beth she barely slept more than an hour at a time and a few hours a night. The restlessness was getting to her. But there she stood, ready to do it. She knew she was pushing her limits. She was purging more than normal, sleeping less, eating less, exercising more, and following a stricter routine. And some of those things were a good, at least to her, but this was different. That morning she hadn't eaten, saying it was competition jitters, she barely drank, and she definitely didn't sleep. There wasn't much swirling in her stomach other than the natural acid it produced, but she couldn't let that stop her. She wouldn't.

Nothing really came out. And how could it? She didn't know what she expected, but the compulsion was there and she had to feed it. She couldn't resist the high. But when she was done, that feeling just got worse. It felt like her heart was skipping a beat. And it wasn't in that, "I just found the love of my life and god he makes me feel good," kind of way. Her heart was literally skipping beats. She didn't know if it was going too fast or too slow, but she could feel her heart beating and it wasn't right. But she ignored it. There was nothing wrong with her.

Slowly, she began to stand up, moving away from the stall. Even the slight change in elevation sent a sense of vertigo through her aching body. Standing became difficult, but she did her best to get to the sink. If it was a sobriety test, she definitely would've failed. She wobbled and stumbled all the way there, quickly clutching the edge of the black marble countertop to support her before she fell. All she wanted to do was rinse her mouth and wash her hands. Still grasping the edge, leaning heavily against it, Rachel just closed her eyes tight trying to collect herself. It didn't get better, not even a little, but she pushed through and managed to quickly clean her hands and gargle some water, but when she was done, she couldn't go anywhere. It was hard enough to walk a few feet from the stall without falling over, how was she supposed to make it a few hundred back to the room?

The answer was that she couldn't. She could barely stand, never mind walk. So she wasn't going anywhere. She slowly lowered herself to the ground, thanking god for small favors. At least the bathroom looked clean. The lightheadedness seemed worse than ever before. Normally she could at least walk a few feet, unless of course she blacked out, but that was beside the point. It was a different feeling and it was messing with the normal euphoria that came after her fix. It really ruined it for her, but that wouldn't put her off next time. She'd do it again; she knew that. There really wasn't any denying that. But this time, she just didn't feel right. She felt tired and thirsty and sick. She was supposed to feel light and featherlike and free, not bogged down in a heaviness that threatened to take her over. Whatever, she just needed to get some water and she'd be fine.

But that wasn't the case. She tried to get back up, she really did. Her body just wasn't having it. Turning her body slightly, she reached her hand out for something to pull herself up. Her strength was gone, however, and her attempts were futile. After a few attempts she, at snail speed, made some headway, but before she knew it, she was falling to the ground, the darkness taking over her body.

Rachel laid there for a good ten, fifteen minutes at least. She wasn't really sure. It was another one of her blackouts. Who cares how long it was out? It was another episode that would pass, just like all the others. But Santana didn't know that, and neither did any of the others. None of the others were coming into the room, however, so they didn't matter at that moment. She was coming to when she heard Santana throw some sort of insult mixed in a question, thrown together with some sort of drag queen quip.

"Berry if you're in there with morning sickness or some crap like that, I might just have to barf on you." That sounded repulsing to Rachel, but that really wasn't her biggest problem. As soon as she heard the door open, and even more so when she heard Santana's voice, Rachel went into a tizzy. She immediately tried to get up, but it wasn't happening. It was like she was there, awake and alert, but still unconscious. Her eyes were still too heavy to open and her body felt cemented to the ground. There was no getting up. "Man Hands, you here?" She asked again before walking further into the bathroom. Rachel's panic grew. There was no escaping this.

Rachel wanted to scream, "No, I'm dead." Or something equally as epic; something worthy of the Great White Way, aka Broadway. She tried one last time to get up to some avail before Santana found her. She managed to get her eyes open and move a little, and then she heard Santana and decided to play dead. Maybe then the Latina would just leave her alone and pretend she didn't see anything. Rachel would expect nothing else.

"Aye dios mio! Rachel!" She frantically yelled. Rachel immediately tensed her body as the other girl ran to her, enveloping her into, what might be considered, a hug like situation. Well, not exactly a hug, but Santana was sitting on her knees next to Rachel pulling her up to rest the girl's head on her lap.

"What's going on?" She wanted to ask. Would it really take a near death experience to get anyone to care? Would anyone even care? Maybe she should just kill herself and get it over with.

"Rachel. Rachel! Rachel, please wake up." She felt Santana check her pulse. She was still alive… obviously. Santana felt her hands, like ice to the touch. What the hell was happening? "Wake up, don't die and I promise I'll be nicer to you." She continued to plead for the girl, a former enemy, or rather permanent verbal punching bag, to be fine. Rachel groggily started to wiggle. Her heart didn't feel weird anymore; she was still light headed, but she was fully alert and conscious again, and she heard what Santana said. And as much as she wanted to see the reaction to her "death," a bathroom at Sectionals really wasn't the place.

"Promise?" The word was a little slurred, but Santana had never been happier to hear her speak.

"No…" She said almost near tears as relief flooded her body. She'd never let anyone know about that. No one needed to know she actually cared about anything, especially not the dwarf in front of her. When she saw Rachel struggle to get up, Santana immediately helped her to her feet. "What happened? Are you ok?"

"Do you actually care?" The remark was harsher than intended. She knew the answer and she just wanted to get herself out of the situation as quickly and painlessly as possible. So she wet her face while waiting for an answer, hoping that, at least. some of the water would make her feel better.

"No." She lied. If she didn't care she wouldn't have tried to help the girl out. So, yeah, she might have cared a little. She had a heart, but she didn't want Rachel "Man Hands, Yenta" Berry to go around telling people that. Then what would happen to her reputation? "But seriously Berry, what happened? Should I get someone?"

"No!" She had to collect herself. "I mean, no, I'm fine." Finally feeling able to move, however slowly and slovenly, she started heading for the door.

"You're not. Tell me what happened. Now!" Santana demanded as she stepped in front of the exit and grabbed Rachel's wrist. She needed answers and wouldn't let Rachel leave until she got them.

"You want to know what happened?" She had to stall, buy herself some time to think of something other than, "I blacked out" or "I'm probably dehydrated from vomiting on an empty stomach." Luckily for her, she bought herself just enough time to come up with a lie that would get Santana angry enough to leave her alone. "Fine, I'll tell you what happened. I'm a klutz. I spilled some water and tripped when you were at the door. And when I heard you go on enforcing that ridiculous rumor, talking about morning sickness and whatever else you said, I decided to make you feel bad. So I pretended." That seemed mean enough. And, it seemed, however unRachel like it was, like something that would get the Lima Heights out of the girl.

"What do you mean pretended?" Her voice was angry and questioning. She didn't know whether to believe Rachel's lies and get all up in her face, or listen to her gut and know that something was off. Something had been off for a while. She just couldn't figure out what that was or when it started.

"I pretended to be unconscious to scare you." Yeah, more of that Rachel. Lie your way out of this like you lie about everything else. "To make you feel bad for everything you've ever done." Once she got started she couldn't stop. She was leaving too many clues to how tortured she really felt by them, but her filter was broken and the dams were releasing too much. "All you do is belittle me and act like an atrocious, monstrous bitch. Maybe if you thought I was dead you'd say something nice for once. And look… It worked… for a fraction of a millisecond you were nice to me, you cared about me…" Every single one of Rachel's words came out with a small bite to match the bark.

Santana heard what the girl said, the words running clear through her mind, but everything seemed so foreign. Was that really Rachel in front of her? It didn't sound like her, it barely looked like her, and she definitely didn't act like her. So what was going on? The Rachel she was used to would never do anything like that, and if she didn't let the anger over take her and her alternate personality come out, she would have said that, or, at the very least, recognized that right there and then. Instead, she looked at Rachel with one of her angry stares and penetrating eyes. She could have easily flipped a lid, but she didn't. She saw Rachel, really saw her. She looked broken and not just in that "words can hurt" kind of way, but genuinely broken. But that didn't help her anger. "You're such a bitch." Seriously, who fakes that? What did she want some more attention?

"Right, I'm the bitch."Rachel interrupted before Santana could continue. Realizing, by the stunned look on the Latina's face, that that was her opportunity to escape, she took it. Pulling her hand from Santana's increasingly tight grip, Rachel stormed out of the room. However, as soon as she opened the door, she landed smack into Brittany for the second time that day. "Sorry." Was all she said as she collected herself and walked away. She didn't make it far. No matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, she wasn't ok. Her head was still reeling and walking was still a challenge, so after she rounded the first corner, sure she was away from the others' view, she leaned against the wall, shut her eyes tight, and took a few deep breaths. The heart thing was a fluke. She believed that. There wasn't anything wrong. It just happened because she was dehydrated more than normal. She was stupid, and next time she'd have to be more careful and at least drink first. Once she could see straight again, she walked across the hall to a water fountain that caught her eye, and drank until she felt fine enough, not good, but fine, to walk back to the room. She wanted to get there before Santana returned. Hopefully the latter would just let it go. That was the plan anyway.

Meanwhile, Brittany entered the bathroom and looked at Santana who appeared to just be standing there. "What happened?"

"Nothing, you know me and the midget just don't see eye to eye."

"Come on S, tell me what happened."

"I don't know B, I don't know what happened." That was the truth. She had been angry when the girl was in her presence, but when she tried to storm out and everything sank in; she knew there was so much more to the story. And instead of focusing on Rachel's false provocations, she listened to the voice in her head that told her something was wrong with that girl. Damn that voice. She didn't want to care about the pipsqueak. She shouldn't care about her. She hated her. That was a fact. So she'd pretend like nothing happened… for now.

"Did the baby make her barf again? I hear they do that. They punch the mommy's belly so hard it pushes everything out." Leave it to Brittany to lighten the mood.

"No B, there's no baby." At least she figured that much out.

"But I thought there'd be a baby Rachel. How come there's not?"

"I think Quinn really did make it up." Enlightenment reigns supreme. Something was wrong with Berry, but it wasn't a baby. She was too much of a prude for that. She'd figure it out. Who knows, maybe it'd be something juicy she could use to torture the girl later on. "Did you actually have to use the bathroom or did you just miss me?"

"Mr. Schue says they're announcing the winner soon, so we have to get back."

"We all know we won. My voice was rockin' out there and everyone knows you can move like no one else." A smile took over both of their faces. The two linked pinkies and made their way back to the green room. Everyone was just lounging around. Santana immediately looked around for Rachel. She expected to see her standing in the middle of the room boasting about how wonderful she was and how her flawless voice just positively won them the competition. But she was met with the image of a worn girl, her brown locks hanging over the back of a chair she seemed to be a part of. Her body was so deep into it, it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began. Honestly, Rachel looked like she was ready to pass out, her face paler than it was before they went on stage, even paler than it was in the bathroom not five minutes earlier. Was she really faking in there? She had to question it. It really didn't seem like Rachel. But then again, did she really know Rachel?

"Rachel looks sad." Brittany whispered into Santana's ear.

"Whatever." Santana hissed. "Let's go. It looks like people are heading back to the stage."

Just then, Mr. Schuester walked into the empty space that was separating the two Cheerios from Rachel. "Time to get on the stage. We got to see if we're going to Regionals." His voice was overly cheery, yet still genuine. He was excited, almost more so than some of the students. "Come on Rachel." He urged when he didn't see her get up. Santana hung back to watch the interaction; maybe get some insight along the way. Brittany didn't even notice as she skipped her merry way to the rest of the group.

Santana watched as Rachel struggled to get up, pain etched in all her features. She watched and listened as Mr. Schue asked if she was ok after she nearly tripped. In reality, she didn't trip. Santana could see that. The girl looked like she was two seconds away from lying flat on her back in a hospital morgue. It was a morbid thought, especially after the bathroom incident, but what was the point of lying when the thoughts were just in her head? No one else could hear her.

"In response to his concern, Rachel just spouted out a generic "fine" before continuing. "I'm just clumsy today I guess. I seem to be falling a lot." That last line was said after locking eyes with Santana for the briefest of moments. Once contact was broken, Santana continued to watch and it looked like she was struggling to just watch. At one point she swore Rachel would topple over. She decided to ignore the signs in front of her and just focus on the results

Everyone was huddled up on the stage when Schue decided to give his little pep talk. "No matter how this turns out, I want you all to know how great you did. I'm proud of you, all of you."

They patiently listened as forth place was called. Then there was third and second. They finally got to first and everyone was nervous. There were three teams left and only one spot open. If they didn't place, there'd be no more competitions, no more hope of making something of themselves, and no reason to show up to practice on Monday. The thoughts were swirling through the students mind before the announcer continued. "And without further adieu, this year's Sectionals champions… McKinley High New Directions!"With the exception of Rachel who smiled and cheered just enough to play the part without raising any suspicion, the rest of them were literally jumping for joy.

"Take that Sue Sylvester." Will mumbled.

The stage was clearing and the group, for the most part, couldn't have been happier. The glee club would live to see another day and maybe, just maybe, the rest of the school would think a little better of them. Maybe a few less slushies would be thrown and a few less shoves into the lockers would be felt or a few less tosses into the dumpster would be had. They weren't holding their breath.

Soon they were backstage collecting their things to get on a bus and head back to Lima. "I am so happy for you guys. You were amazing out there and you deserved this win." Shelby said as she made her entrance.

A bunch of "Thanks Ms. Corcoran"s could be heard around the room. Everyone was happy about their victory. Not only did it mean they were one step closer to New York, but it meant they still had the one thing about school that made them want to come in everyday. They still had their sanctuary.

"Come on guys. Let's get home so we can all celebrate this properly." They'd be heading to Breadstix once back in Lima. It seemed an appropriate location for a celebration dinner. They all agreed.

As they were exiting the building, Shelby finally caught up with Rachel. She wanted to believe her daughter wasn't avoiding her, but it honestly seemed as if she were. Walking alongside Rachel, she resisted the urge to wrap her arms around the girl, opting instead to nudge her slightly, a smile plastered on her face, "I love watching you perform. You are always extraordinary out there. Today was no exception. You lit up that stage."

"Yeah, right, thanks." She said aloud. In her mind she was saying something more along the lines of, "Yeah, right, because my stumble during the solo's chorus and the slight pitchiness to my voice was very graceful. And I'm sure the audience loved to watch and make fun of the fat whale prancing around the stage as they discussed what a whore everyone said she was. Oh, by the way, did you hear I'm pregnant? Congratulations, you're not a grandma." The thoughts grew darker than that, but she didn't want to say them out loud, especially not to Shelby. So instead of chancing it, she walked a little faster and got onto the bus before Shelby could say anything more. Upon entering, she found an empty seat just far enough away that she could be alone with her thoughts and not attract any undue attention.

The entire group took up several adjoining tables at their favorite restaurant, talking and laughing and overall enjoying themselves… except for Rachel. Santana had been watching her closely all day. Rachel remained oblivious to it. Whether they were or not, she always felt like all eyes were on her and not in the good way. They were all just looking to find one more thing to mess with her about.

Rachel, on the other hand, watched everyone else. She watched in envy as they all dug into their food without any second thoughts. They didn't care about how many calories they were consuming or just how much time on the elliptical it would take to burn it away. They didn't think about the necessary escape routes to the bathroom, or if that wasn't available, any place private to release the toxins that she was putting into her body. No, that was just her.

"Rachel, honey," Shelby started, "aren't you going to eat your food? You haven't touched it." She rolled her eyes and took a tiny bite.

"Better? I took a bite." Her voice was sarcastic and a little condescending. She didn't want Shelby to care about her eating habits. That might mean she cared and then Rachel would care back.

"Great." She said as Shelby went back to her conversation with Will controlling herself, trying not to say something so much like her own mother that Rachel would throw the fit that she knew was waiting inside of her daughter, building like a volcano waiting to erupt. Rachel went back to watching as everyone else finished with their food, some of them even going for dessert. And while she was watching them, Santana was back to watching her. She saw Rachel gazing about as she cut her food into tiny pieces. That wasn't a normal habit. She continued to watch as the girl pushed around the food making it look like more was eaten than actually was. She was so busy watching that she didn't hear most of the other kids get up and say their goodbyes to Schue and Shelby. Apparently it was getting late, and they had a party to go to, a party Santana should've been going to as well. She didn't know how long she was watching, and she would've kept watching if not for the voice that pulled her from her sleuthing.

"Are you girls almost done?" Shelby asked, finally getting Santana to see that she, along with Rachel and Brittany, were the only students left at the table. "Mr. Schuester and I are going to go pay the bill. If you're not finished, you don't have to rush. We just want to settle the check."

"Thanks Ms. Corcoran, but I'm done." Santana said, yet to take her eyes off of Rachel as she watched the girl polish off the rest of her food like her survival depended on it. It was slightly disturbing. Usually, Rachel was much more discreet about it, but after the day she had, she just had to eat. She'd throw it up anyway. That was a given, but she had to eat it all.

"Me too." Brittany added.

"I'm done as well. I'm going to meet you by the car." Her words were rushed like she was panicking. And she was. She had to get the food out of her as quickly as possible, but she didn't want anyone to know that.

"Ok." Shelby said before turning to the other girls. "I'll see you at school on Monday." They both nodded. "Here are the keys." She handed them to Rachel before joining Will to pay the bill.

Rachel spit out her goodbyes to Brittany and Santana before practically running in the opposite direction of the car park. She was heading to the bathroom. Santana now had a few theories about Rachel running through her mind, none of which included pregnancy. All she needed was some confirmation. "Brittany, meet me at the car. Ok?"

"Ok, see you soon San." Her bubbly personality and absolute obliviousness was always a beautiful thing to see for the Latina. But instead of dwelling on it, she was on a mission. She quickly got up to follow Rachel. No surprise at all, she was led straight to the ladies room. When she walked in she heard the distinct sounds of gagging and splashing as the stomach contents made contact with the toilet water. Yup, there was something wrong with Rachel alright.

The cutting of food, the pushing around of food, the sudden disappearing of all things food… She knew those signs. Her suspicions were now firm. After watching Rachel all day she didn't know how she didn't see it before. She always left lunch early, quickly after eating. She remembered because Rachel would always make an annoying exit. The girl was making herself sick. She was sick, in the head…

And after witnessing the event herself, Santana knew for sure what was going on. The only question left was what to do. Should she tell everyone… anyone? At the very least she should tell some of the other glee kids, maybe the ones who actually gave a damn. She never thought she'd include herself in that group, but she really didn't have a choice. Whether she liked the girl or not, she didn't want to see her going through this. It wasn't right. And she couldn't ignore it now that she knew. That would just make things worse. She reminded herself to kill Quinn for spreading that stupid rumor and getting her involved in anything Diva related. Now she had to do something. So as she waited for Rachel to finish up, she sent a text to a few of the other glee members.

_I think we've gots a problem. It's about Rachel. Meet me at Brit's in an hour._

**First, Happy 17****th**** birthday to ! I ignored my other story for you so you better like it. No, I'm kidding of course. But I hope your birthday was/is amazing and thank you for reading. **

**As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…**

**This is both a plot point chapter and a little bit of a transition. Santana knows now. What's going to happen? What will she tell the rest of them? There's still much more to come. Next chapter should be up sometime during the week. Tomorrow I'll be with family and Monday I have to finish the chapter for my other story, since I neglected it for this, but after that, I'll get on this. Well, until next time…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	16. The Knowledge from Facing the Facts

Chapter 16: The Knowledge from Facing the Facts

Rachel, still unaware of the lingering presence loitering outside the stalls, continued with her rituals. She wasn't done until she was empty and vile free. Once wasn't enough. It all had to be gone. Any trace of the sustenance most craved would act like a poison to her body. She couldn't allow that. Not even the crumbs could stay. The empty feeling that came after the release was always so much better than the full feeling that came from a binge. That was the way it worked; the way it had to be done.

After a few rounds, she finally felt void of all nourishment. At least, she felt that enough of the toxin had been evacuated that she could function normally. Finally, the rush of endorphins she had been seeking since before her earlier, rather unsatisfying, bathroom rendezvous had overtaken her body. The floating feeling she longed for was there just as she anticipated, and it felt like nothing could ruin it for her. Or so she thought…

Once finished wiping her mouth of any residue and flushing the toilet, Rachel left the stall with a contented grin on her face. She was living on such a high that she didn't notice the extra body watching her every move. If she bothered to look she would have seen a less than happy looking Santana leaning against the tiled wall, hands crossed over her chest, and staring intently like she might miss something. But, she remained oblivious, instead walking to the sinks, washing her hands and taking the mouthwash from her bag. She'd brush her teeth when she returned to Shelby's. When she looked in the mirror, she heard something, someone clear their throat, and without looking, she knew she'd been caught. She didn't know who, but she knew the jig was up.

"That was disgusting." Santana… Rachel stopped. Everything stopped. Her heart wasn't beating. Her lungs no longer breathed air. Everything but the thoughts racing in her mind came to an extreme standstill. What to do, what to do? How to get out of it? Could she run? No, Santana was in the way of that. Could she lie? She could at least try. She had to try.

"Have you been standing there long?" She had yet to look at her. Her gaze remained focused on the reflection in the mirror.

"Long enough…" Santana, cautiously, started to edge her way closer to Rachel. "So you're not pregnant?" She knew that Rachel wasn't, but it seemed like as good an ice breaker as any. At least there was some sort of segue to fill the forthcoming awkwardness. To Rachel, though, it was the spurring of an idea. She couldn't let her secret get out. She would die if it got out. She would die if she had to stop. And even if she didn't die, she'd at least go insane. What would she do? She'd be miserable all the time. She'd hate herself more than she already did. All she knew in that moment was that if she wanted to make it out of that room with her secrets intact, then she had to think fast.

"So what if I was? What would it matter to you? It's not like you'd care." Her walls were up and her guard on full alert. Whether it was a good idea or not, she was doing it. A part of her knew, however, that Santana wouldn't buy it. She was convincing and oddly believable when acting, but there was no merit to her façade this time. But this time the veil was very thin. Her words wouldn't ring true to even the most inexperienced viewers. If she weren't so intent on keeping up appearances she would've chastised herself for a subpar performance. It was just another thing to add to her long list of failures.

"How do you know I wouldn't care?"

"Because, you've made it clear that you don't care about me or my life on more than one occasion. I don't see why that's change now." Rachel squeezed her fists in tight balls, on gripping her purse so tight she thought it might rip into tiny little shreds. It was the only thing she could do to keep from exploding. And she wanted to explode. But that would give Santana what she wanted and it would out the secret she was fighting to keep. So she had to control herself the best she could. Everything about that day was just messing with her high.

Santana didn't know how to respond. What she said was true. She made it clear she didn't care, but that didn't mean that she actually didn't care. Did it? Deep down she did care, but she didn't want anyone to know that. That would ruin her reputation. "And what if I did care?"

"But you don't!" She was unraveling. She could feel it, yet she couldn't stop it. The only hope she had to preserve her secrets was to run and run fast. But was that really an option? "No one does! So take your fake concern and leave me alone! Just leave me alone!" Santana could sense the desperation in her voice, and it hearing the gags wasn't evidence enough, hearing that was. So, when Rachel tried to sneak past her, doing her best to slip through the tiny space between the wall and the Latina, Santana's arm shot up to block the way. It startled Rachel. All she wanted to do was escape, to crawl into her room and write in her journal, maybe write another song on the blank pages that have quickly been filled with her misery. Why couldn't Santana just let her do that? "What is your problem?" Rachel yelled as the shock as she ran into the arm caused her to recoil, nearly knocking her to the ground.

If nothing else, Rachel was persistent. She tried to get by the blockade that was Santana only to be met with the same brick wall. Instead of saying anything, she just huffed and leaned against the Cheerio's arm. Not once did she look over at Santana. Only through her periphery did she see that Santana was doing the same. For a few silent seconds the tension built up, an eerie feeling settling, waiting for someone to say something. Finally, after what felt like an excruciatingly long time, Santana decided to speak up. This time she looked at Rachel, really looked at her, and, although, Rachel wouldn't look at her, she continued to stare intently. "I know you're not pregnant."

"And how would you know that?" Rachel's resolve was crumbling. She knew, Santana knew, and soon the school would know too. She'd be the school's freak with issues even more so than she already was. She didn't know if she could take that. How much of a social leper could one be before the noose around their neck becomes too tight to breath? Rachel's was already cutting off some of her oxygen supply.

"I just know." Her voice was oddly calm and, in an attempt to be soothing and non threatening, kind. "I also know what you were really doing in here, what you do every day. I've been watching you…" That caused Rachel to snap a little more.

"So what? You're stalking me now?" There was anger shooting out, anything to deflect the real topic, the issue Santana was slowly inkling toward.

"If I was stalking you, I would've figured it out sooner. The bathroom trips, Quinn caught you puking, I caught you puking, one second you eat nothing, next second your plate's empty, and…" It was like reality was fully hitting her. She knew the _fall_ in the bathroom and the _prank_ to get some sort of reaction was all a lie, but what she couldn't figure out was why. What would there be to cover up if she really did fall? But the pieces were fitting together. "Rachel," she said sternly, "you blacked out. You need help."

Rachel could hear the concern in Santana's voice. The sheer sincerity of it was what really made her doubt it. It just rang false in a Santana kind of way, and Rachel didn't know how else to perceive it. It wasn't like she had much to base it on. All she ever got from Santana before were insults and a few passing words, nothing of substance. "I don't need help. There's nothing wrong with me." The conviction in her voice was enough to let Santana know that there was definitely more to hide and that just made her worry. "But if I did need help, you wouldn't be the one to help me. Now, pretend this never happened. There was no conversation, there were no stalking observations, there's nothing. I'm fine and that's all you know. That's all anyone needs to know." She paused for a moment, letting her words sink in, before turning towards Santana, for the first time since the confrontation began, this time looking her in the eyes. She needed to reaffirm her words and let her know how serious she was. "Now if you'll please excuse me…" She pushed Santana's hand down, finally freeing the area and allowing safe passage. "Shelby's waiting. Just remember what I said." And she left.

Santana was a little confused. She let the girl walk all over her and she didn't know why. Why hadn't she snapped back? That's what she'd normally do. But were the circumstances anywhere near normal? She didn't think so. And, while she'd never admit it, she hated that she may have added to Rachel's problems. She knew, logically, it wasn't her fault that Rachel was doing that to herself, but she was sure the torture that was their tumultuous _friendship_ didn't help matters any. She had to take a minute to think about what Rachel said. Obviously Man Hands was in denial… No, not Man Hands, Rachel. Obviously Rachel was in denial. But, even so, was it anybody else's business? Maybe she should see just how bad things were before she went and told all their friends. It really wasn't theirs to know. It wasn't even hers, but now that she knew, she couldn't ignore it. But she had a plan. It was spotty at best, but it would get people aware of the growing situation without her actually telling them. And if Santana was right, they'd all need to keep a closer eye on her because things were only going to get worse before they got better. And if the real Rachel was in there anywhere, that worse would be a real show stopping number.

First thing first, she had to deal with the current predicament. She already sent out the text and when she looked at her phone she realized they'd obviously been intrigued. So she'd have to tell them something. She already had a good idea of what to say, but she'd iron it out once she got to Brittany's. Right then, she just needed to make sure her message was received. And

_What's wrong with my Diva? I'll be there. Is it serious? _ Yup, she got his mind racing. Kurt never told anyone about his slightly volatile tête-à-tête with Rachel, but everyone could tell his relationship with Rachel was just as strained as the rest of theirs. So, it was nice to know he still cared about Rachel and it made Santana feel that her little plan could actually get the desired results.

_What's up with Berry that got you caring? _She wasn't sure if she should've told Puck. But, except for recently when Rachel basically avoided them all, they seemed to be friendlier with each other. If she didn't know any better she'd think Puck was on one of his missions trying to bed the prudest of them all. The point was that he seemed to care and he'd want to look after the girl's best interest. If not, at least he'd be in the same boat; knowing but not knowing what to do with it.

Last, but not least, was Mercedes. _Is the Diva throwing another tantrum. See you there. _So Mercedes was a bit of a stretch, but even with all the bickering, the two seemed to be a very different set of friends. They argued about solos and who had the better voice, but at the end of the day they seemed to have each others' backs and that was more than could be said for Rachel and the rest of the glee club. So Santana didn't bother with them. She did think about sending the text to Finn too, but they didn't really end things on great terms and after his outburst over the pregnancy rumor, Santana knew having him there wouldn't help anyone, least of all Rachel.

None of that mattered though. That was the past and the present had a very real threat. Who knew what else Rachel was doing to herself? She obviously has been making herself throw up, but what else? Was she doing the normal tricks? That was what she needed to figure out. That and how long this had been going on. The longer she'd been doing it, the more likely she'd have some serious health issues. Everything was just really a big mess. But Santana had to push that aside for a while and focus on filling Brittany in. After all, everyone would be showing up at her house soon.

As Santana went over her ideas and everything about her second run in with Rachel, Rachel made her way out to the parking lot. She was hoping she'd still beat Shelby to the car by leaving through the side entrance, but luck wouldn't have it. Shelby was leaning against the car looking a little irritated while talking to Will. Rachel quietly tried to make her way to the car but Shelby saw her in her final steps. "Where have you been? I was worried and I tried to call." Rachel didn't think she was worried. It was more like she was annoyed and didn't want to wait around for Rachel to the car. She thought that if Shelby didn't give her the keys, she would've sped away and left Rachel in the dust. Who wouldn't do that?

"I'm sorry. I spilled something on my hands and wanted to wash up before I got in the car. I must've been longer than I thought."

"That's ok, let's go." Shelby held out her hand and Rachel gladly gave her the keys. "Bye Will."

"Bye Shelby. Bye Rachel. See you Monday."

"Bye Mr. Schuester." Rachel returned as she got into the car and strapped on her seatbelt.

About halfway home, Shelby broke the silence that took over. "You know, for someone who just won Sectionals, you don't look too happy." She wasn't happy, but she threw on a weary smile and turned to face Shelby.

"I am happy. Just tired, that's all." It wasn't a total lie. She was tired. She just wasn't happy. How could she be happy? The world as she knew it was threatening to collapse. People were snooping and trying to unveil her deepest secrets that she thought she buried so deep in the crevices of her mind that no one could find them. Apparently not… Santana and Quinn caught her in one of her private moments. Somewhere along the line she got sloppy and she deserved to be punished for it. She just didn't know how she'd do it yet. All she did know was that her secrets needed to stay hidden at any cost. They were her secrets and no one else needed to know them.

As soon as she got home, Rachel ran directly to her room and began pacing. She went over every detail of the past few weeks looking for any detail or any indication that she was being transparent. Quinn jumped to conclusions, obviously wrong conclusions. But Santana saw through that, saw through her. She saw the lies and ran right into the answer. How could she let that happen? How could she be so stupid? So reckless? So dumb? So ugly? So fat? So undisciplined? One thought led to another and then another until she spent over an hour pacing and disparaging herself.

Luckily for Rachel, Shelby came knocking and pulled her from her tangent. She was worried Shelby would yell at her for the incessant walking about, or, worse, that she knew too. And, while that was improbable, Rachel wasn't going to rule anything out; especially not after the day she had. Seriously, she was caught twice that day… by the same person no less. "Come in."

"What were you doing up here? For the last hour all I heard was the floor boards creaking." She couldn't tell the truth. What would she say? "I was worrying myself sick, afraid that everything I know, the only stability in my life, has been discovered and taken away."

"I'm sorry." She thought this excuse would work better. "I was practicing a move for my dance class tomorrow. I've been having trouble with it and always land wrong. I just wanted it to be perfect tomorrow because the instructors will be watching to start picking who they'd like to see in certain parts for the recital. Auditions are coming up soon." Well, at least she didn't have to lie. She may not have been practicing the actual move, but it was on her mind. She had a lot on her mind a whole lot more than she cared to share.

"Do you need any help? I used to be a good dancer in my day." A smile lit up her face and Rachel felt herself soften. She didn't want to be such a bitch to her mother, but she just couldn't seem to stoop it.

"While I thoroughly appreciate the offer and have no doubt that you were once, and probably remain, an excellent dancer, I am going to have to decline. I think I'm just going to call it a night."

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure. Thank you though."

"If you ever change your mind, just know that I'm always here… for anything." Yeah… right. "How about you join me downstairs. Beth's asleep and while I was looking through some old boxes in my study I found something I know you'd like to see."

"What is it?" She was curious. Even if she wasn't really interested, at least she would be distracted for a little while.

"Come and see for yourself." Shelby left on that rather ominous note. Rachel stayed behind for a little while, trying to decide what to do. She could stay there and drive herself crazy, something she wanted to do just to figure things out. How could things suddenly be so much more complicated? The other option was to go spend time with Shelby. She wasn't too keen on the idea, but her head was pounding, she felt like crap, and she needed some time out of her head or she'd never figure anything out. So she opted for the latter and made her way to the living room.

"So what is it exactly that you thought I'd like to see?" She asked as she approached the couch that Shelby was cuddled up on.

"Sit. I'll show you." Rachel complied, slowly making her way to the farthest edge of the sofa. It wasn't exactly the mother daughter moment Shelby was looking for, but at least they were doing something together and she got her daughter out of her room. That was a step in the right direction. While she's much rather have Rachel cuddling under the blanket with her, she'd have to settle. Maybe next time they'd get a little closer.

Shelby hit play and the sounds of home movies filled the room. She wanted Rachel to see just how much they had in common and what better way to do that than to show her a tape of her own mother performing on stage? Shelby thought it'd be good for them, a real bonding experience to give them some familiar ground. Contently, she watched her daughter immerse herself into the show, leaning deep into the couch as the voice of her younger self took over the room. Rachel looked, calm and, dare she say it, happy. It was the first time it looked completely genuine since she got there. On the outside, Rachel's demeanor was the perfect portrait of genuine happiness, but inside the thick headed skull of hers, she remained deep in thought thinking about the day, thinking about her secrets, even thinking about Shelby.

And as she sat there with Shelby watching her mother's memories play out on screen, Rachel felt like they could have a real relationship. Maybe, just maybe things would work out as long as she tried. She felt like, in a weird way, in an unconventional way, she was loved, but then she heard it. She heard Quinn's words haunt her yet again._ "… but at least I have a mom who loves me. My mom doesn't pity me and take care of me just because my other parents died. Your fathers probably killed themselves just to get away from you. God knows no one else can stand you. They probably couldn't look at your disgusting face anymore. How long will it be before Shelby leaves you too?" _Again, how long until she leaves her again? There was no way she could let herself get attached. It would just make things worse because everything Quinn said that day, at least in regards to her fathers, Shelby, and how fat she was, was true. What she was feeling there with Shelby was just what she wanted to feel. It was all a lie. She wanted to be loved. She wanted someone to care about her. She was projecting that onto Shelby, imagining things where they didn't exist.

It was in those lingering moments, where her internal fight was on overdrive, that Rachel realized what she had to do. She had to face the facts. She hadn't been doing her job. She was sloppy and stupid and careless and whatever else there was to describe her. But not anymore. She let too many people see behind the wall, and that wall was there for a reason. She needed to protect herself and everything she built from everyone else. And her stupidity was threatening it. So she had to be more careful and play her part better. There was no more being silent in class. She needed to participate, not because she wanted to, but because she needed to keep up appearances. There would be no more ignoring Shelby and Beth. She needed to play the perfect daughter and sister whether she wanted to or not. There would be no more spontaneous outbursts. She would control her temper and keep her feelings bottled up or keep them private in her journal. Her secret was out there. It was vulnerable and that just wasn't allowed. She needed to hone those acting skills and throw suspicion to the wind. No one would ever think what Santana knew to be true, was true. Then everything would be ruined and Rachel didn't have much left. Everything she ever cared about was dead, gone, or just didn't care back. Even glee didn't make her happy that much anymore, but she couldn't give that up. She couldn't give anything up. She needed to be perfect. And if she had to do things she didn't like or put on a happy front to keep the one thing that made her actually happy, then she'd do it. Because those were the facts of life. Sometimes you just have to do things you'd rather not. So being perfect on the outside was her resolution, was her cross to bear and she'd do it, even if it killed her. And it just might, just not for the reasons she'd like to believe.

A few streets over, while Rachel was coming to all her realizations, Santana and Brittany were waiting for the group to arrive. Santana tried to explain everything to Brittany, but she really didn't understand. She wasn't stupid, she just only saw the good in people and things, so she didn't quite grasp that there was a potentially serious situation brewing. That's why Santana didn't go into all the details about Rachel. It was better left vague, at least for the time being. Their conversation was, well, not very informative.

"So we're having a party?" Brittany asked.

"No, remember I said that we were going to have a few people over to talk about Rachel?"

"But isn't it mean to talk about people behind their back. I mean we do it all the time, but Rachel's always nice to me. I don't want to hurt her feelings."

"No B, we're not going to hurt her. We're going to help her. I told you I think something's wrong with her."

"Oh, ok. Should we watch a movie then?"

Santana couldn't help but let out a small laugh. If it wasn't so adorable she would be mad that Brit just wasn't getting it. "We'll see. Let's just wait for everyone to get here."

"Ok." Their conversation continued mindlessly as they waited for everyone to arrive. It didn't take long. First to arrive was Puck. Brittany answered the door and went to usher him to her room when the doorbell went off again and Kurt had also arrived. The three headed up to Santana while they waited for Mercedes.

"So what's this all about? You said there was a problem with my best diva. So what is it? Is she ok?"

"Calm down Kurt. I'll explain everything as soon as Mercedes comes." There was a slight panic in his voice. At least someone else was worried. It relieved some of the pressure Santana was feeling.

"S, at least give me a clue. Is it something serious?"

"I don't know." He didn't like the sound of defeat in her voice. If it was bad enough to get Santana to care and, by the sounds of it, worry about a girl she continually harassed over the years, then it had to be pretty bad. But what could it be? But before he had a chance to ask the question that was just sitting on the tip of his tongue, the loud roars of one Mercedes Jones took over the room.

"This better be some hot topic or some juicy gossip. I left my boyfriend's party for this so it better be worth my time." She said as she entered the room, Brit not far behind.

After shooting Mercedes a look, Puck spoke up. He really wanted to know what was going on with Rachel and he really didn't like the way Mercedes just blew it off. All she wanted was gossip and she was worried because she was missing a dime a dozen party? Really? Some friend she is. "Now that everyone's here will you tell us what's going on?" He pulled out his phone and read off the text he'd received. "I mean, '_I think we've gots a problem. It's about Rachel. Meet me at Brit's in an hour.'_ That doesn't tell us much." Santana was a little surprised by the concern and care she detected in his voice. She hadn't pegged him for a Berry lover. She obviously made the right call bringing him in on it. There was something there, but she'd get that story from him later.

"We all need to keep an eye on Rachel." Everyone, even Brittany who she'd already explained everything to, gave her a curious look. Mercedes let out a non-humorous laugh before chiming in.

"And why would we do that? The Diva has been on one of her 'better than you' trips for the past, I don't know, for as long as I'd known her."

"You knew this was about Rachel." Puck spoke up, saying what the others were thinking. "So, if you don't care about her, then why are you here? Isn't she supposed to be your friend?"Puck was a little angry. Santana called them all over for a reason. She tells them they need to watch out for her, but other than that she was completely vague. It was frustrating because he wanted to know more and because he didn't know why he wanted to know more. It really wasn't like him to care in the way he did, he had no reason to, but he knew to keep his cool. He had a reputation, and he didn't want to hear all about his weirdness if Santana caught on.

"He makes a good point Mercedes." Kurt added, noting the slightly annoyed look on Santana's face and the complete obliviousness on Brittany's.

"Whatever. Santana, just tell us what's going on with Rachel so we can all get out of here and back to our own lives." Her tone was softened. They were right. Rachel was her friend, she was just annoyed. She was in the middle of a make out session with her boyfriend when she got the text. And she could've not come, but she was curious, and she really did care. They would all be lost without Rachel, whether they realized that or not, and she wanted to know what was going on. If she could help, that was all the better.

"I think she's hiding something, and yes. I think it might be serious." All eyes snapped in her direction, all looking for some sort of concrete answers before they went on a fishing expedition. They were all dying to know more, to hear what was so serious, but Santana wouldn't give them the chance to ask, not yet. Instead, she held up a hand and told them, to let her finish as she gave them minute details that still didn't give them any clue as to what was actually wrong with Rachel.

"You haven't told us anything Santana. After all that babble, all we got was that Rachel's hiding something serious. But what is it?" Kurt asked. He needed those answers.

"I'm not sure what it is exactly. I know she's not pregnant. We all know that. She made that clear, but she needs our help. We need to watch out for her, keep track of her and what she does. If I'm right, this could get bad fast and we need to help her and be there for her."

"What do you mean 'if you're right'? You said you didn't know. So what aren't you telling us?" She really blew that one. She was going to have to tell them something now. But she still didn't know what to tell them, so she'd have to think fast.

**This would have been up sooner, but my friend and I took an impromptu trip to New York the other day and then I got roped into babysitting over night. But it's up now, so there's that.**

**As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…**

**Next chapter should be up sometime this weekend. I put my other story on hiatus because writing this has become like a drug. Even if I'm busy I have to write just a little bit to get my fix. I tend to get like that when it comes to writing. I wasn't sure about this chapter though. It's not perfect, but it gets the point across. Santana knows and she wants to help Rachel, but she doesn't know just how bad Rachel needs her help or even how to help. I hope you all enjoy. Well, until next time…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	17. Giving in to Temptation

Chapter 17: Giving in to Temptation

Rachel practiced her acting all weekend. Of course nothing changed, but her reality was different than the reality of the rest of the world. To her nothing changed, but to the rest of them, she would be back to the old Rachel. They wanted the perfect, bubbly, overly bossy, drama queen Rachel. She didn't know when exactly she stopped being that or when she stopped projecting that image, but she sure as hell was bringing her back. Like a vampire, the old Rachel would rise again, minus the blood sucking of course. The Broadway was coming back, and she was ready.

After sectionals and the home videos with Shelby, she began her biggest acting challenge to date. Rachel made breakfast for the "family" Sunday morning. With the exception of the three hours she spent at the dance studio, she played with Beth all day, making sure Shelby saw every now and then. That part wasn't so much of a lie like the rest of it. She didn't mind being around the toddler. She couldn't talk back, not in any way that would hurt Rachel. She couldn't degrade her or purposefully make Rachel feel worse about herself. That's not to say that she didn't do that naturally, because she did, but it wasn't her fault. Rachel was still stuck on the fact that she was the replacement baby. She'd forever and always be the better, newer model. That really isn't an easy thing to get over. And it hurt even more because Beth was already prettier than she was; she'd probably be smarter too. To top it off, with Quinn and Puck as her biological parents and Shelby raising her, she promised to be more talented than Rachel ever had a chance to be. That one might hurt her the most. Talent was all she had and she was doubting she even had that. But the point was, beyond all of that, she cared about Beth. Beth was her sister after all. Even with that acknowledgement, though, she didn't know if she could accept Shelby as her mother, as her mom. She dreamed of that growing up, but she couldn't let herself be hurt anymore, especially by that woman. Her heart, body, and mind were so full of pain already that she didn't think she could survive one more let down or one more loss of any kind. And she knew, especially after everything that already happened, that the life she had or would have with Shelby would never be anything like that day dreams she had with the statue at the park. So she'd try her best with Shelby. She'd be the perfect daughter, the one Shelby wished she was, but that was the extent of it. Once she was old enough, once she had graduated, then she'd be done. She'd run away to New York and never look back. There'd be nothing left for her there.

But come Monday, the feel around the house was lighter than normal. Obviously the act was working. Shelby felt like they were really moving forward as a family. They were no longer a forced arrangement brought on by unforeseen circumstances, but a single mother living with her two daughters. Rachel was no longer a guest in her house but a part of their home. If she knew it was all an act, she'd be devastated. She actually thought she had the daughter she gave up when, in reality, she only had the belief. She had the shell that Rachel had become; the tiny, fragile, unstable shell that she was. Rachel, however, was living day to day, second to second really. And, quite frankly, at the time, she really didn't care.

"You're not walking to school today." Shelby told her daughter, "It's raining and we've been getting along. So let's not ruin that by arguing."

"Is this your own way of telling me I'm riding to school with you today?" Rachel perkily asked with the perfect hint of a smile on her face.

"Yes, I will be driving you to and from school today."

"Then let's go." Shelby was surprised by the lack of argument. Rachel learned when to pick her battles. Or maybe it was just the rain. Either way, she was grateful for the quiet morning. Beth was with the sitter and Rachel seemed to be in a good mood. What more could she ask for?

When they arrived at the school, Rachel quickly escaped Shelby and headed into the building. Even before opening the doors it was like all eyes were on her. Instantly, she felt watched. Santana told. She didn't know what she told or how much, but she told. It was going to be a long day, an even longer week. If she wasn't paranoid and insecure before, she definitely was then.

"Hey Diva." She wasn't surprised he was the first to approach her. She expected nothing less. That's not true. Even though he was her friend, as much as anyone could be her friend, she half expected him to just ignore whatever Santana told him. She was sure she told him something.

"Hello Kurt. How are you today?" She asked still keeping up appearances. She didn't want to let on that she knew that he might know, and she didn't want to give him any sort of confirmation that whatever he knew was indeed true. That would ruin whatever progress she was making.

"Still living off the high of winning Sectionals, you?"

"I have never been better Kurt." He highly doubted that. Thoughts of just outright asking what was wrong with her, what she was doing to herself that had even Santana worried, crossed his mind, but he knew that wouldn't get him the answer he wanted.

"How come you didn't come with us to the party after we left the restaurant?"

"I had an early dance class the next morning. Parts for the recital will be picked soon and I need to be well rested to prove that I'm good enough."

"You are good enough." If only she believed it too. Clearly, she didn't.

"Thanks." She spat out. Closing her locker she turned to Kurt and said, "I'll see you in class Kurt. If I don't get to English my mother will probably ground me for life."

"Bye Rach." As she walked away she could feel him watching, staring to see if there were any telltale signs that something was terribly wrong. She hoped there weren't. There was nothing wrong, not that she could see. What she was doing wasn't wrong. Nothing that could make her feel so much better could ever be wrong. It was right to her no matter what anyone else said.

She was early to English, happy for the few moments of silence to collect her thoughts. It had only been about twenty four hours of hard core acting and she was more exhausted than any of her workouts ever made her. She was emotionally drained and it only just begun. But, like every other obstacle she ever faced, she'd get through it. She had to. What other choices did she have?

She sat at her desk and looked around the room. It was a peaceful empty. For the five or so minutes before class began she could drop the façade, she could frown and be unhappy, she could feel all that she was feeling, all that she was neglecting, and she could let it all out. There were many ways to do that, many of which weren't acceptable to do in the middle of room 110 in the English hallway, but she could journal. As mundane as it seemed, it kept her as close to sane as her own sanity would allow. Her uncensored thoughts filled entire pages in seconds. Most of it was ranting. Some of it was the beginnings of new songs that were floating in her discombobulated mind. It was the only release she could get at the time, and she'd take it whatever way she could get it. Her release was short lived, like it usually was. Puck, looking almost frantic, came barreling into the room and rushing to take the seat next to her like someone else might beat him to it. Right, because so many people were killing to be anywhere near her.

"There you are Berry. Kurt said I could find you here. You do realize you have time to waste before our drill sergeant of a teacher even shows right?"

"That drill sergeant is my mother Noah. And yes, I am aware. Are you aware that just by looking for me you are also early to class? Why were you looking for me anyway?" She was sure she knew the answer, but she was also sure he wouldn't be straightforward about it and whatever lie he came up with promised to be entertaining.

"I know I'm early. If I want to get out of this crap town I need to get some sort of scholarship out of here. So I was looking for you so you could let me copy your homework." He lied almost as well as she did, but the experience taught her to spot the lie. She knew he finished the homework. She knew, not only because she saw him working on it, but for the same reason he gave to copy it. He wanted a life outside of Lima just like the rest of them. If that meant putting in some sort of effort, then he'd do it. But she'd play along anyway.

"Well Noah, I'm afraid you're going to have to complete the work on your own. I have already turned it in to drill sergeant Corcoran. However, we have time if you'd like some help." At least that one was the truth.

"Nah, I got it. But you're talking to me again."

"Yes Noah. I do believe this qualifies as talking." She said sarcastically.

"Does this mean you forgive me for the things I said? Because I am sorry you know." She knew it was hard for those words to leave his mouth. She knew he was capable of feeling it, more than capable actually, but sorry was never an easy thing to say for anyone. No one likes to be wrong. People like admitting it even less.

"I do know, and yes. I forgive you." She had to forgive everyone, or at least pretend to, if she wanted to keep up the false pretenses. Things needed to be back to the perfect normal. That included everyone in glee club; tormentors and friends alike.

"Well it's about damn time Rachel." He spent the rest of class keeping an eye on her. He tried his best to go about it all inconspicuously, but a part of him knew she knew he was watching. He had his own ideas about what was going on with Rachel, but he really just chalked it up to finally being sick of what everyone says about her. Then Santana started caring and he had no idea both how right and how wrong he really was.

The rest of the day was spent avoiding food and the bathroom at all costs. It was a hard task indeed, but Rachel could feel Santana wherever she went. Santana may not have been in all her classes, but she sure seemed to show up a lot. It really unnerved Rachel when she was headed to the bathroom and Santana followed closely behind her. Keeping everything in without the release she craved made her feel like she was going to implode. Her resolve was fading and if she didn't get a handle on it soon the walls would crumble more than they had already.

Rachel really wanted to get back into the swing of things. To keep the image everyone wanted and expected of her, she had to do what people wanted. That was what she did. She apologized to the glee club for her outburst and for quitting. She even asked Kurt to hangout Tuesday after Glee. Shelby willingly let her go out too. She was just happy to see Rachel doing normal teenaged things. But that made things worse. Hanging out with Kurt made things worse. She couldn't eat in front of him without an anxiety that made her feel on the verge of a full blown panic attack. It was the mall incident all over again. She played with her food for a while before Kurt questioned her about it. Then she practically engulfed it all in one bite. And then she literally ran off to the bathroom, completely unable to stop herself even though she was pretty sure he'd follow her. She really wasn't thinking too clearly. The only thing on her mind was the fastest route to get every drop of the fat inducing poison out of her system. It didn't really occur to her how suspicious he already was and how she was just giving more and more validation to the claims as the days passed by. She didn't even care if there were people in the bathroom that time. She just ran to a stall, dropped to her knees, and let it all out. There'd be no leaving until everything was out. She needed to feel the rush.

After taking a moment to really feel the high, she walked over to the sinks and washed up a bit. She finally took a moment to look around. If anyone was in there while she threw up, they weren't there when she was done. She should've been grateful for that. But when she left the restroom, she found Kurt leaning against the wall nearby.

"Rachel!" He walked over to her as she exited. The concern was written all over his face. She just may have messed up. "Are you ok?"

"Of course, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"The false sincerity oozed from her pores. It was obvious he knew something. It had been obvious since Monday morning, but she chose to ignore it. No one was saying anything. So they either agreed with her that it was perfectly normal or were so repulsed by her that they didn't care enough to bring it up. She was fine with whatever the case may be.

"Some of the women that came out were saying that someone was throwing up it there. They seemed disgusted." He was easing into the real issue. He knew flat out asking would get him nowhere. As outspoken as Rachel used to be and as open with her feelings as she was, she wasn't that girl any more. And he was honestly starting to question whether she ever was.

"I know. It was so disturbing, but I really had to use the ladies room. I apologize for running off in such a hurry."

"Are you sure you're ok?" He knew those women were talking about Rachel. How could he not? He may have been oblivious to it for a long time, but not anymore. Santana said something was wrong and she'd been right. He was finally putting the pieces together. And seeing it again, even without physically seeing the act, was enough evidence for him to know for sure. Rachel was making herself sick for whatever reason. All he knew was that he had to try to help. He needed to help her before it was too late. He just hoped it wasn't already past that point.

Rachel, on the other hand, knew that she pushed it too far. She made a scene and gave him the advantage. Whatever he thought, he knew, and that was her fault. But she had to do it. She couldn't let the vile, grease covered, stir fried vegetables rest in her stomach to form a rock she'd never lose. If she let that happen, where would she be? No one wants to watch a fat Broadway star. No one wants their child to be fat. And she certainly didn't want to give Shelby more reason to hate her. There was a lot on her mind, but the main focus was to eliminate the ever increasing anxiety she was feeling. It had to be done whether or not Kurt was a bystander to her actions. She'd officially lost another piece of her self control. She wasn't sure how she felt about that.

After an awkward end to the evening of shopping and, what could barely pass for, dinner, the two parted ways. Upon seeing each other that Wednesday morning, Rachel pretended like nothing had happened. Kurt wanted to say something. Even Rachel could see that. He had that fish out of water look, his mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out. What was he supposed to say? He, thankfully, hadn't been in that situation before and didn't know how to react. Someone's life wasn't exactly something to practice with. Messing up or saying the wrong thing could be detrimental. He wouldn't be the voice that broke Rachel. He just wouldn't. But then again, saying nothing while knowing something could be just as harmful. Rachel was unfazed by it all.

What really did get to Rachel the most was when Santana got Brittany to do her dirty work. Santana had this weird sense of obligation not to just tell everyone Rachel's secret because of some even weirder sense of responsibility. She took it upon herself to watch the girl as often as she could until she figured out exactly what to do. She could tell Mr. Schue or Shelby, but would they believe her? Rachel was clearly putting on an act for the world. She could see that, but both the teachers saw what they wanted to see, what they expected to see. Ms. Corcoran got the dutiful daughter full of perfection and race, not the sullen problem child Rachel was just days before. And Schue got his star performer back. In the end, that's what they needed to see to justify their own inaction. It was possible they were truly blind to it. The hints were subtle and easier to see when actually looking for them, but Santana found that a little hard to believe. She still had no clue what to do, but she knew she couldn't just sit around and watch as she did nothing. So she told some of the glee kids to keep a close watch on Rachel and hoped they'd come to the same conclusions as her. Then they'd bring the topic up with her without Santana actually having to tell them. That was the plan. She just hoped they didn't take too long to figure it out. She needed them to help her figure it out herself. After a few days of nothing though, and Rachel catching on to her, apparently not so covert, stalking, she brought in reinforcements. No one could refuse Brittany, and ditching her would be just plain rude.

Wednesday, right before lunch, Santana, along with a group of the other glee kids, witnessed the tail end of a slushie attack on Rachel. By the time they got there she was already covered in the tricolored glop, the corn syrup sticking to all parts of her body. At least three perpetrators this time and she got there too late to do anything. And, surprisingly, even to her, she would've done something to try and stop it. She'd gone soft. She'd realized that and it didn't really bother her. Watching Quinn, of all people, usher her out of the hall and to the Cheerio's locker room, Santana knew the incident would be triggering. Rachel didn't seem receptive to anything Santana and she wanted to give the girl a small break from her watchful eye, so as the rest of the students rushed, albeit reluctantly, into the cafeteria after Quinn told them she'd handle it, Santana pulled Brit aside and asked for a favor. The blonde was more than willing to comply. She liked Rachel. Rachel was her friend. That was her reasoning. It didn't hurt either that she'd do just about anything for Santana.

Rachel, meanwhile, was pushed into the locker rooms by Quinn. She wasn't happy for the assistance, mostly because of the one assisting. Things tended not to go well when they were together in locker rooms. Quinn's honest words from last time still played like a broken record stuck on repeat in her head.

"Do you have clothes to change into?" Quinn asked. Rachel had to think about the answer. She packed a bag the previous night, but she couldn't remember if she took it with her that morning. Lapses in her memory had been happening a lot to her. "Earth to Man Hands! Do you have a change of clothes?" She repeated, that time saying each word like an individual sentence.

"No, of course not. Because I need them I don't have them." She left them on the side of her desk in her room. She thought at least. She really couldn't be sure. She made a note to check later.

"Here." Quinn said returning from one of the lockers and passing Rachel a satchel. "Don't say I've never done anything nice for you."

"What is it?" Rachel asked not bothering to look inside.

"What do you think? It's an outfit to change into. I don't know if it will fit over your fat butt, but we don't have glee today so it should get you through the rest of your classes." All Rachel got from Quinn's words was fat butt. Now she had a fat butt too. When would it end?

"Thank you." She said as she walked into one of the stalls to finish getting cleaned off and changed. Less than five minutes later, she returned wearing a skirt she found utterly too short and a simple long sleeved shirt; both of which were big on her. Yet she still believed Quinn was right and she was fat. "Not that I don't appreciate the…" She stumbled for words. Was Quinn being kind or was there something in it for her? "The help… Because I do appreciate it, but why are you being so, I don't know, nice to me? And where did you get these clothes? I don't think I've ever seen you wear anything like them."

"Those are my party clothes. I keep them at school so my parents won't say anything about them. And I'm being nice as a way of apologizing." Rachel didn't find her completely genuine, but she'd take what she could get. It was as close to friendship as she'd allow. She was still pretty mad about the last blowout. "Obviously I was wrong about you being pregnant, and I shouldn't have told anyone. I'm sorry Rachel." She wasn't feeling the sentimental moment. It didn't feel real or deserved. Finn probably forced her to be nice. It really didn't matter. She just wanted to get out of their and fulfill her need.

"Whatever, let's just get to lunch." Quinn agreed so they grabbed their things and went to the cafeteria. Their entire table turned to them as soon as they walked in. They seemed surprised that there wasn't any sign of bloodshed. Quinn went over to the table, her lunch already bought by Finn as Rachel went into line. She was going to avoid it at school, but she just couldn't. It was the only thing that could quell her and she couldn't deny herself that. With the intention of purging it after, Rachel bought a salad and pulled several vegan snacks from her bag. As not to look so suspicious, she ate the snacks out of sight of the others before bringing the food to the table. Puck, Santana, Mercedes, Kurt, and Brittany watched as she cut it into small pieces before wolfing it down. Santana saw it on their faces. They knew and suspected the same thing she did. And if they didn't before, they did then.

They all exchanged looks when Rachel got up to leave. She didn't say anything that time. There were no excuses. She just hurriedly pulled all her things together, put the tray in its proper place, and practically sprinted from the lunchroom. Both Kurt and Puck started to get up from the table when Santana stopped them. She simply pointed to Brittany who was buying a water from the vending machine and they sat back down to watch. As soon as Brit saw Rachel go past her, she immediately went to follow. They made it all the way to the bathroom before Rachel knew she was there.

She went straight for the stall when she heard the door open again and she hesitated. "Rachel?"

"Brittany? Are you following me?" She was annoyed. All she wanted was the release and it didn't look like that was going to happen. But it had to happen. It just had to. She ate. She ate a lot. She couldn't let it digest. She just couldn't. She shuttered at the thought.

"Santana says not to let you go to the bathroom by yourself. I told her you were a big girl now and didn't need any help, but she made me promise to go with you if I saw."

"So you're going to watch me go to the bathroom?" Her tone was incredulous. Santana was ridiculous and she immediately started planning ways to kill the Latina. She was ruining everything.

"I promised. Go, I'll wait." She propped herself onto the counter as Rachel closed herself into a stall. She obviously wasn't going to do it, but she did think about it. The need was there, but she couldn't subject Brittany to that no matter how bad it physically hurt not to. "Lord Tubbington misses you Rachel. You should come visit sometime."

"Maybe." She said trying to work through the pain and urges that came with not fulfilling her intention.

"Are you actually going potty Rachel? I don't hear anything." She exited the stall. "You didn't flush."

"I didn't have to go. I thought I did but I didn't." She really just had to get out of there. Being so close yet unable to do what she wanted was killing her. It made her want it more.

"Ok, let's go then." Very unhappily, hands clenched tightly by her side, Rachel exited the bathroom. Brittany was still unaware of what she actually prevented from happening, but she was happy that she could do something for both Santana and Rachel; even if she didn't know what that something was.

For the rest of the day, Rachel was jittery. She avoided everyone she could and tried her best to make it to the bathroom. Every time she did, however, someone was there to stop her, whether intentionally or not. It was driving her crazy. She felt full and weighed down. She felt disgusting and revolted by her mere reflection. That alone was enough to make her want to vomit, but she couldn't. She couldn't do anything. Her leg was shaking and her hand was constantly brushing through her hair. She was surprised she had any left by the end of the day. She just wanted to die. Every single second of that day made her want to die, to wither away and die. But the world wasn't having it. Instead the world gave her Puck.

"Berry what's wrong with you? You're shaking like you're coming down from a bad high, but I know you and that's not it. So what is it?" She had to think quickly.

"I have dance tonight. It's one of the final practices before auditions." The best lies were always based on truth.

"Ok." She was thrilled that he let it go so easily, but still curious as to why that was. It wasn't like him. "There's no glee today because the teachers have a meeting and I saw you ride in with Shelby today. Do you need a ride home?" She didn't want to go to the house. She wanted to run until she collapsed from the physical exhaustion and her world was brought into oblivion, but there wasn't time before dance. She wanted the whole day to be on redo and to never make the decision to eat, but that was an impossibility. She just needed something, some distraction to get her through the next few hours, and then she saw it. She had that standing right in front of her. He made her feel so good last time, so complete and so whole. He could do that for her again. She wanted it to happen again to make her feel good. She wanted him again. He was tempting, standing there all buff and gorgeous like a treat for the taking. The only question was whether he wanted to, but she'd make sure he did. He was her temptation, her distraction, and she was determined to be his.

Standing up from her seat, she carefully hiked her skirt up just a little more. She did it in a way he wouldn't notice, but would sure appreciate. "I have to be at dance in an hour. I'm going in early today. I was going to walk, but I have some time to kill if you want to hang out."

"Sure." He escorted her to his car, his eyes barely ever leaving her backside. He would swear he could see her panties as she walked. "You know you look hot in that skirt." He said as they reached their destination.

"You like what you see?"

"Definitely."

"Come on." She said as she got into the passenger's seat. "I want to make a quick stop first." He happily obliged and followed her directions until they pulled into the empty parking lot of the park. The ground was still damp so no one was there to play. Except for them of course.

"What are we doing here?"

"You had fun with me at your party right?" She asked both innocently and seductively as she moved closer to him and placed a hand on his thigh far enough away not to start something he might not want to finish.

"Yeah, why?"

"I had fun too."

"You did?" He wasn't surprised. He was good for everyone, but Rachel was… Rachel.

"I liked the way you felt, the way you made me feel." She leaned in even closer, her chin resting on her shoulder.

"I did too." He said ignoring the obvious intonation that something wasn't right. That wasn't Rachel. Hormones were on overdrive, however, and that was a moot point. He responded to their growing closeness by going in for the kiss. Rachel wanted it. He wanted it. Why shouldn't they both have what they wanted? It was on his mind, had been since the first time. Obviously it had been on hers too.

After breaking from the most perfect kiss she ever experienced, Rachel climbed into the backseat. "What are you doing Rach?"

"I thought we'd be more comfortable back here. There's more room to maneuver." He didn't hesitate any longer to follow suit. As soon as he was back there with her their make out session was reignited. Each kiss grew with more passion and fervor than the last. He decided to test the waters and allow his had to slip under her shirt. When she allowed it, and she did, he went one step further and took his hand a little more south. His hand rested on her thigh before inching under the skirt and to her middle. When she let out a low moan he didn't test any longer. He was all in and so was she.

He unzipped his jeans and pulled off her underwear. They were in a public park; they didn't need to be completely nude. He gently pleasured her the first time. Then she asked for more. She needed all the distraction she could get. The second time she demanded it hard and fast. It would help her mind go only to him. It didn't hurt that it felt good either. They both finished panting for breath.

"That was…"

"Amazing I know. I'm that good."

"You are that good." She agreed as she slipped her underwear back on. "But we should get going. I have to be at the studio soon." He was slightly disappointed. He didn't know why. He just took Rachel Berry in the backseat of his car… twice. But for some reason, he wanted more. It was like he cared or something. Did he? He wasn't sure, but he let it go for the time being.

Rachel was just grateful for the distraction. If there was only one thing Puck was good at, it was sex. And she took full advantage of that. He made her feel good both physically and emotionally, if only for a moment, she forgot. She got the high she needed from somewhere else, from someone she could potentially care deeply about again. She'd definitely give in to that temptation again… and again.

**So, so sorry I took so long. All I can really say is that 2011 was definitely not my year and I hope 2012 is kinder to me. If I don't update for a while I usually have a good reason. **

**Hope everyone's holidays were full or merriment and that everyone has a happy new year. I'll try to update by the first but no promises. **

**Also, thank you so much for getting me to 100 reviews. I honestly didn't think I'd get that many. So I greatly appreciate it and want you to know that hearing what you all have to say makes me want to write more. **

**As always, I apologize for any mistakes in Grammar or spelling. It happens…**

**I hope you all enjoy. For the sake of show accuracy and my obsessive issues, we're just going to glance over Rachel's birthday this year because in the actual show, junior year she'd be turning sixteen. I made her sixteen at the start of the story. So we'll all just conveniently forget such details and roll with it. Well, until next time…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	18. The Ever Growing Demons

Chapter 18: The Ever Growing Demons

The distraction that was a ride on the Puckerman worked for Rachel. There was something about him that made her feel better, even if it went against everything she believed. She said she'd be twenty five before she lost her virginity, but she lost it half past sober at an underage drinking party at Puck's house. And then it wasn't just a onetime thing. She went back for seconds. She didn't know whether to love it because it made her feel so good, great even, or hate it because even though it made her feel so liberated and good, she still felt a little dirty. She wasn't in a relationship with him. He used to be one of her tormentors. But maybe that was part of the thrill. She enjoyed him, she enjoyed the high she got from being with him, and she wasn't sure she wanted to give that up. Did that make her a little slutty? Maybe it did, but who was going to know? Puck wouldn't be bragging about his sexual escapades with the school's fat freak and Rachel didn't exactly have a ton of people lined up to listen to her life story. No one had to know and if it made her feel better, what did it matter? It shouldn't, so it didn't. That's what she kept telling herself. It wasn't wrong. It was right. She wasn't hurting anyone. Puck enjoyed it as much as her. It was like friends with benefits. People did that all the time, didn't they? So why couldn't she? She could and she had nothing to feel bad about. Nothing…

Upon arriving at the studio parking lot after a silent drive there, Rachel uttered a quiet thank you before practically sprinting into the back changing room. It was pretty empty so she had some alone time to clean up and get changed. She slipped the white tights she pulled from her locker over her scrawny kegs. They were loose. They weren't supposed to be loose, but she liked the feeling. To know that something that was once tight now had room for more made her feel indescribably happy. But she couldn't wear them after that day. She made a quick note on her day planner to ask Shelby to take her to pick up some new ballet wear. Her slippers were worn and her leotards were also a bit large on her thinning frame. It was time for an upgrade anyway.

She slipped into the black leo and took a good look at herself in the full length mirror. It was an ugly piece of fabric dressing up and already ugly being. It wasn't a pretty sight, but Rachel never was. Her internal dialogue was cut short as a class was being released. Lacing up her black ballet slippers, the ribbons wrapping several times around her ankles, she watched the group enter. It was a younger bunch made up of tots and other adolescents who tended to have time in the middle of the day to attend the first afternoon class. They were so young and innocent, so unlike Rachel. They didn't have to worry about what they ate or how much to work out. They were all perfect and beautiful. She envied them. She bet they had mothers who loved them, fathers who took care of them, siblings and friends to lean on. She didn't have that. In that moment, if it was even possible, she hated herself even more. They were just kids and she wanted to be them. She wanted to switch places with them and subject them to her messed up life. What kind of person thought like that?

All that she knew was that she needed to clear her head. She needed to clear her head and work out extra hard because she had an excess of calories that Brittany so unknowingly kept her from expelling and she needed to burn them off. Taking one last look in the mirror to make sure every article of mandatory practice attire from the black ballet slippers and black leotard to the white tights and pale pink wrap skirt to the white and pink ribbon holding her hair in the perfect bun was all there; Rachel exited the changing area and went into the empty studio. There was another fifteen minutes before the other class members began to arrive, so she had just enough alone time to warm up and work on the multiple fouettes that were causing her nothing but trouble. Her cabriole could use some work as well. She really had to push herself if she wanted any chance at all of getting a lead in the recital.

Watching herself move in the mirror covered walls, she felt as graceful as a rhinoceros in heels, bulging in all the wrong places. Who would want to watch her perform? She couldn't think of one name. She wouldn't want to see herself perform either, but that didn't deter her dreams. Nothing could, unless she gave up completely, and she wasn't quite there yet. Rachel was mid-arabesque when she heard the door open and turned to see who it was. The lack of focus, however, caused her to stumble and fall to the ground.

"Are you ok Rachel?"

She hastily stood up, noting the slight twinge she felt in her wrist as she did. "Fine Madame Renee. Lost focus and got distracted; that's all."

"You're starting early."

"Clearly not early enough." The self deprecating joke went laughless as she quickly moved on. "I had a few kinks to work out and I knew no one uses this studio before our class. I hope that's alright." It wasn't the first time she did it, and it probably wouldn't be the last. She had never gotten caught before and didn't think it would be a problem, but if it was, she'd just have to be more careful the next time.

"It's fine Rachel. You're a great student here. If you want to come a little early, I have no problem with that. Just don't overwork yourself." She took a long look at the teen in front of her. Her skin was paler than normal, her body devoid of much more than skin and bone. "How are you doing Rachel? I know things have been hard since the accident, but how are you doing?" Rachel didn't expect the sounds of genuine concern to leave her mouth. She didn't expect he pity compliment either. She really just wanted to change the subject to any topic but her, and her dads. They were off limits too.

"I'm doing well thank you." She avoided any and all eye contact. She hadn't talked about her dads in a while and that was one topic the show smile just couldn't cover up the hurt she felt. "It's hard, but I'm getting by. It's an adjustment, but I'm going to be ok." Renee wasn't sure if she believed it. Rachel was always one of her more promising students, still was, but there was something off about her. She threw herself into the art of the dance so hard it was like she was trying to run while standing still. It was worrisome.

"I'm glad to hear that Rachel. Why don't you take a break and help me finish up these packets?" She asked pulling out a handful of folders and a stack of papers from her bag.

"What is that?"

"I should have had them done earlier, but these are the audition packets. There's a list of all the moved that will be required for the auditions and participation consent forms. Do you want to help me finish them up so that we can discuss them during warm-ups?"

"I'd love to help." The pair working together finished up in no time. As if a signal was sent, once the last packet was finished, the rest of the class entered. No more time was wasted and the warm-ups began right away. They were doing a line of simple pirouettes when Rachel felt it. It was that peculiar stitch in her chest again. She thought nothing of it, quickly writing it off like before. Nothing happened the first time, so surely nothing would happen then. In the last turn as she crossed the floor, Rachel felt the lightheadedness seep in. Her body was mid turn when the sensation took over her body and she stumbled her way into first position. She wasn't making a good impression. She wasn't going get any part. She was going to end up at the moving scenery; a rock perhaps, maybe a tree. And that was what she deserved. She was just that bad.

Her balance was off for the rest of the night and she hated herself for it. She couldn't do anything right. What the hell was wrong with her? It must've been the food. She ate too much and didn't do anything about it. It was just resting in the pit of her stomach expanding and ruining whatever chance she had at getting anything right. She just sucked. And while she was sure her gluttonous attack on the food at lunch had something to do with it, she couldn't rule out her natural inability to be great at anything either. She was really just defeated. Nothing was going particularly well in her life. No amount of faking it would change that.

"You're all dismissed. Remember to go over those papers. Auditions have a firm date and time, right after the New Year. That doesn't give us much time. So go home, relax, and I'll see you tomorrow night." Rachel remained firmly rooted in her spot as the ten or so other girls scattered into the changing rooms. She wasn't ready to get up yet. While she personally loved the feeling, she just couldn't pass out in front of others and she knew she was teetering on the brink. She made the conscious decision to stay there, sitting mudroom slowly sipping her water. Once everyone else was gone she could get in another few minutes of practice and then head home. "How are you feeling Rachel?" She was stunned. Was she that obvious?

"I'm great. Why do you ask?"

"Your balance was off all night and you're looking a little pale. Are you feeling alright?"

"Of course. I've never been better." She tried to stand to reinforce her words, but the slight wince when she put pressure on her wrist wasn't helping. Her whole body ached, every joint and every muscle. "I was just distracted, and I think I had too much to eat before coming. If I don't eat light before class I don't glide very well."

"Are you sure that's it?" Would she ever stop with her questions? Yes she was sure. She just needed to work off the rest of the poison fat she consumed and she'd be fine. Nothing was wrong!

"Thank you for the concern. I just need to lay off the pasta overload before dancing. I'll make note of it for next time. And I apologize if I ruined the air of perfection that encircled the room." Because face it, she was the odd woman out. Of all the girls, she was the only ugly one, the only fat one, the only screw up. She was bringing them all down.

"You did no such thing. Go home, get some rest, and you'll be better tomorrow. Everyone has their off days." She was trying to build up Rachel's confidence so the inevitable fall was greater. Just like everybody else, waiting for her to fail. And she would, that much she expected, but she didn't want other people to expect it too. It was demeaning.

"Goodnight Madame Renee." Renee laughed. Rachel was the only one who still called her that. She used to tell her young students to call her that. It made them respect her and be intrigued by her. It was easier to get them to listen. But it stuck with Rachel.

After giving into the fact that there'd be no more alone time for extra practice and then changing, Rachel quickly looked in her bag. She had several unread texts. Most of them were from Shelby. _What time are your dance classes over? _Much like Rachel, she believed in using proper type, no shorthand. _How'd you get there anyway? Did you walk? _The texts were endless. _Do you need a ride? _How many did she leave? _Call me when you're done and I'll come get you. No walking in the dark._

She shot Shelby a simple message. _Done. Come now._ It got the message across without being too crass. Once she got the ok, Rachel grabbed her bags and went to wait outside the empty studio. It was then that she got a message from Puck. _'Sup Berry? _Simple… so Puck.

_Just finished up with dance. You?_

_Damn hours, more intense than fball. Chillin' _There was a brief pause in their exchange. He was deciding what to say next and she wasn't sure that warranted a response. _About today…_

_What about it Noah? It was a day like any other._

_But we don't do that every day. _But they could… He wanted to be clear on what it all meant to her. She may have initiated it, but he wanted it too and he wanted to make sure she was cool with everything; no weirdness and all that. He had no intention of hurting her, so if she wanted more, he was going to make it clear that that couldn't happen.

_So you don't want to do that again?_ What was a hormonal, overly testosteroned teenage boy supposed to do with that? He was turned on just reading it. Were the words really coming from Rachel though? It didn't sound like her.

_Oh hellz yeah Berry. Do you?_

_Would we be having this conversation otherwise? Really Noah, use your brain. _Definitely Rachel, he was sure then. _It will be our little secret. _That was what she thought he'd want. His reputation wouldn't be ruined. He'd still be the bad ass sex shark and she'd still be the prude, but they could do whatever they wanted without anybody knowing. She thought she'd save him the trouble and awkwardness of having to ask her himself. In truth, however, he was never going to ask her that. He was actually a little put off by that. Was she ashamed to let him touch her? Was it about Finn? All the girls, even some guys, were always stuck on Finn. He'd yet to see the appeal. But then he pushed the thoughts out if his head when he realized he was still getting some side action with a girl nobody else ever had and there was something to be said about that.

_Right Berry a secret._

_Talk later Noah? Shelby's here. _She didn't wait for a response as she put her phone into her bag and slipped into the passenger's seat. She really wanted to run the way home. She needed the exercise and the space. If she gave herself even a moment of free time she thought about and agonized over the food she ate that day; the food that she just couldn't get rid of and no amount of exercise would excise. Damn Brittany and her ability to prevent nuclear attacks.

"How was class?" Shelby broke the silence as she put the car in gear and began to drive off.

"I ate too much before class so my dancing was sloppy." She was trying to throw that out there so that Shelby didn't make her eat. As much as she wanted to have a little bonding time with the toilet, she couldn't bear the thought of even one more calorie passing through her lips. It was just an unfathomable concept.

"Well, I made dinner earlier and I left it in the oven for you, but if you're not hungry we can just throw it in the fridge for tomorrow."

"Ok." She went back to fiddling with her zipper when she remembered she needed new tights and stuff, preferably by the weekend's end. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to cement her act. Normal daughters ask their mother's to do mundane tasks with them all the time. Don't they? She was sure they did. At the very least, it would make Shelby really believe that Rachel was accepting things and moving on. It seemed worth a try. "So… I was wondering."

"Wondering what?"

"It's not like I can't do it on my own, so if you don't want to feel no pressure to come. And you wouldn't have to pay anything. I still have money from this month's allowance on the debit card my fathers left me." She was rambling. She heard it herself, but it really helped sell the bit whether it was planned or staged… no one would ever know.

"Rachel." She stopped her. "What is it that you're asking?"

"Oh, sorry. I was asking if you'd like to come with me to purchase some new ballet attire. My last pair of tights in the appropriate color has gotten a tear in them and I'm in need of some other items as well." For the first time, she turned to look at Shelby. "It's about an hour drive to the shop I like to use. They do custom fittings and usually have everything I need. I can drive up there myself, but I thought you might like to come." She'd never admit it, she'd probably deny it, but even though it was all supposed to be an act, a part of her wanted Shelby to go with her. For the past few years she had to go alone, and before that, her fathers went with her and embarrassed her when they asked one of the women there what the best form of cleavage support was when dancing. It was always something she wanted a mother for. She wouldn't have to ask such questions. She'd just know.

"I'd love to Rachel. We'll go Saturday afternoon."

"Thank you."

"Any time."

The rest of the night was pretty much a blur to Rachel. Her anxiety was still resting at astronomical levels and she couldn't even succumb to the lightheadedness like she so wanted to. She remembered Shelby talking to her, but she really wasn't paying attention. She wanted to go for a run, but it was almost curfew and breaking that again would ruin the perfect daughter routine. So she stayed in and paced for a good half hour at least. Then she showered and dressed for bed. That's when she noticed her hand was swelling and bruised. She didn't know how that happened. The fall wasn't that hard. Tending it, she spent another hour alternating ice, ten minutes on then ten minutes off. The little details weren't all there though.

School went fine. Friends went fine. Glee went fine. Dance went fine. It was a pretty mundane day all around. That or she really wasn't paying attention to much else other than her obsessive thoughts of food and exercise. She was proud of herself. Although she was extremely anxious and itching to get onto the dance floor and work out, she managed to stay away from the bathroom at school and even get off without Shelby shoving breakfast down her throat. It still didn't make up for the day before, but she was working on it; working overtime on it.

Rachel was home by quarter of eight after a three hour dance class and a forty five minute jog home. All she wanted to do was shower and spend some quality time professing her deep dark thoughts to her journal, but Shelby had other ideas. She needed Rachel to watch Beth for an hour. "It's almost bedtime. Just sit with her and she'll fall asleep. You'll be fine." She assured Rachel. The shower would have to wait.

"Ok Beth, why don't you go to sleep now so Rachie can take a shower? You don't want a stinky sister do you?" Rachel asked as she chased a hyper Beth around the living room. Shelby must've given her the extra sugary juice that night. "Please Beth. Stop running around. It's bed time. You're supposed to be asleep."

"NO!" The little girl yelled as she made a beeline for the kitchen. Rachel simply followed giving up trying to contain the little terror. She wasn't in the mood to deal with diva tantrums. She had a headache. There was a lot on her mind. Shelby shouldn't have left Beth with her. And then she felt bad for thinking like that. Normally, she'd take the time to play with Beth, sing to her, divulge secrets to her, but she honestly wasn't feeling up to it.

When she walked through the kitchen archway, she saw Beth climbing onto the table. That girl was fast. She rushed over, just not in time. The glass bowl that was once a centerpiece was then flying off the ledge and plummeting to its untimely demise, shattering upon impact with the floor. Shards of glass, some tiny and some large, scattered all over the linoleum tiles. "Beth!" She, for the first time, yelled. "What did you do?"

"Mess."

"Yeah Beth. You made a mess." She was angry, her voice gave it away. Even Beth could sense it and her face got all contortiony and her lower lip was beginning to tremor. Rachel was just waiting for the water works. She wasn't disappointed. Beth, still crying, tried to make an escape. "No Beth, stop!" Then the wailing started as Rachel maneuvered her way over to Beth, scooping her into her arms and doing her best to get them out of there without stepping on the glass. Somehow she managed. Beth's cries were down to whimpers as Rachel out her to bed. She'd fall asleep easily after that. Closing the door slightly, Rachel exited the room. She had a mess to attend to.

Back in the kitchen, Rachel took a minute to just stare at the glass mosaic that was now the floor. It seemed to be everywhere. If possible, Rachel was more frustrated than she was just mere seconds before. That was not what she wanted to be doing. She wanted to be taking a long, hot shower. She wanted to finish up her nightly ritual. She wanted to write. And then she wanted to lie in her bed and, if luck was on her side, get the first full night of peaceful sleep in over a month. Everything about the day just seemed to be getting to her and she didn't know why. With the exception of Beth's little devil antics, nothing happened, but it still annoyed her.

Resting on her knees, Rachel began to pick up the pieces one by one. She should've gotten the broom, but she never took the time to bother and learn where Shelby kept things. And she really didn't care enough to do it then. Instead, she grabbed a small bag to through the shards in and opted to use her hand. She didn't care if she got hurt; she just wanted to get done. Mumbling about every stupid thing she could think of, everything she'd done wrong, and all the bad things she was feeling, Rachel began to clean. She was about halfway done and cut free when she heard the front door open and got distracted.

Grabbing one of the larger pieces as she heard the noise, her head shot up to look towards the door she could not see and she gripped the glass a little too hard. The warm stinging sensation brought her attention back to her hand. Yet to release the glass, she just stared at the gash. She wasn't tempted to let up on the glass either. She wrapped it into her fist pushing it deeper into her skin.

"Rachel?" She heard Shelby call, but she couldn't remove her gaze. Watching the river of blood slowly drip from her palm was mesmerizing. It gave her such a rush. It made her forget everything else. Like when she threw up, it made her feel good, free, and devoid of everything else. In those few moments, the entire world was silent. There was no voice in her head telling her every imperfection or how worthless she was. There was no mirror exposing just how fat and ugly she looked. There was just a rush of calm that overtook her and the rest was radio silence. It was a welcomed change. "Rachel!" Shelby called again.

"Kitchen." Rachel answered, finally snapping out of her trance and throwing the glass from her hand into the bag. She was still focused on the gash, but she wouldn't tend to it. She just ignored the small puddle of blood forming on the once pristine floor and continued to pick up the pieces. Shelby walked in.

"Rachel, what happened in here?"

"Your hyper active daughter thought it'd be fun to run around and throw glass objects. They obviously break." Not once did she look up. She could hear Shelby shuffle around the room. She vaguely heard the footsteps approach.

"I've got a broom. Stop using your hands, you'll cut yourself."

"Too late." She said too quietly for her Shelby to hear.

Shelby began sweeping up the glass working her way farthest from then to Rachel. Once she got closer she saw the red on the floor resting under Rachel. "You're bleeding Rachel." It wasn't a question. Shelby immediately stopped what she was doing and ran to the sink. Grabbing a wet and dry cloth she ran over to her daughter and pulled her up. She dragged Rachel to the table, safely away from any glass, and began cleaning the wound. "Are you ok? Does it hurt?" Surprisingly, the answer was no.

Attempting to pull her hand away from Shelby, Rachel said, "No it's fine."

"Hey." Shelby tightened her grasp on Rachel. "We need to get this cleaned up."

"It's fine. I'm fine. I'll clean it myself. Now that you're here I can finally take a shower." This time Rachel successfully pulled her hand away, a cloth wrapped around her hand soaking up the blood, and she made her way out of the kitchen leaving Shelby to finish with the mess.

She went straight to her bathroom and put the water on to a scalding heat. She didn't bother to bandage her hand yet. There was no point. She'd have to do it after her shower anyway. It was still bleeding when she stepped under the cascading water. She watched in utter amazement as the water turned a pale pink as it made its way into the drain. She didn't know why it enthralled her so. She didn't know why it was so hypnotizing. All her knew was that the sheer lack of everything else that occurred because of the happy accident made her feel like the first time she knelt over the toilet. The perfect high that nothing else could compare to. It was safe to say she'd be trying that again; another demon to add to the list.

**So it's officially 2012 and I'm happy to say the last few days have been pretty uneventful for me, which is a good thing. Happy New Year everyone!**

**Here's the cursory apology about my possible mistakes. Sorry for any and all grammatical or spelling errors.**

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Things are getting worse before they get better. I said that would happen. I'll update as soon as I can but I think I'm going to try and write a chapter for my story on hiatus first. I'll do my best to work on both and have an update by the end of the week. Well, until next time…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	19. Shopping Excursions

**READ: This chapter comes with a bit of a trigger ****warning****. There will be blood. I know how easy it is to be triggered by reading something that hits close to home. I debated bringing in certain things to this story because of my own experiences, but ultimately I decided to go for it. If you struggle and find yourself easily triggered, maybe this chapter isn't for you or at least not the last third of it. And, at the risk of sounding like a PSA, if you or someone you know is dealing with an eating disorder or self harm, find help. It's not easy, but it gets better.**

Chapter 19: Shopping Excursions

The weekend couldn't come quick enough for Rachel. She'd managed to both avoid all her friends and socialize with them all enough to throw suspicion out of the window. Kurt seemed a little clingier after the incident in the mall and he hardly left her side when she was around him. She knew when it happened that it shouldn't have happened as obviously as it did. But Rachel was being more careful. She only ate what she knew she'd be able to burn it off fairly quickly and she used the napkin trick for the rest. She only ate a "regular" meal when she knew she'd have some unaccompanied bathroom time afterward. She was the picture of perfection as far as everyone was concerned. No one would be the wiser. But she still felt Santana eyeing her. And for the life of her, she couldn't understand why. Santana never liked her and she'd yet to use it against her. What was she waiting for? Would it be one of those covert attempts of humiliation that will pop up when her guard is down and she least expects it? She really didn't want to find out. She just hoped that everything she was doing was working and Santana would think it was a onetime thing and forget all about it. It was unlikely, but plausible.

Santana wasn't buying it though. She could see that others were. Kurt explained to her his concerns after the mall. "She just ran from the table after acting like a slob." He told her. "People came out saying someone was throwing up." He still didn't quite believe it was Rachel and she didn't want to tell him what she thought. He wanted to believe it was all better, that she only did it a few times and now she was back to normal. Santana didn't know how to convince him otherwise. And did she really want to? A part of her, too, wanted to fall for the bull that Rachel was pushing on people. And if she didn't know better, she would.

Mercedes definitely fell for it though. Santana could clearly see that. After just a few days of worrying and watching and trying to figure it out, she did, and then she forgot it. Rachel couldn't be that good. Could she? How could anyone not see through the veil? Rachel had a problem. The only thing Santana didn't know was how deep into the problem Rachel was. Could she help her? Could anyone? Did she even want help? From what Santana could tell, Rachel didn't want help; she couldn't even see there was a problem. So how could Santana get others to see that there was, and, more importantly, how did she help someone who looked at her as a tormentor?

Santana had a way with words. There was definitely a comeback for anything. And if that didn't resolve things, her fists always finished the job. But neither of those tactics would help Rachel. She couldn't exactly beat Rachel into submission, and telling her off wouldn't exactly yield great results. Obviously, their friends were of no help. Puck was so lost every time he was around her half thinking about jumping her bones and the other half wondering why he wanted to. So he was no help. Mercedes had her head so far up her own "talent," that Rachel's, while she tried to hide it and cover it up with that creepy ass show face, less than enthusiastic participation and willingness to "give the other voices a chance to shine" actually worked in her favor and made it so she couldn't care less about how she got the chance. Kurt was so in denial that he actually believed Santana, of all people, was exaggerating the concern and fear for Rachel's well being. As for the rest of glee club, most of them didn't know. Quinn might've and probably did put the pieces together, but Quinn, while Santana's friend, was still a bitch. She started the rumors without giving it a second thought. Rachel wouldn't be very receptive to her help. There was Brittany though, and Santana knew just how to use that to her advantage… again. She had a new plan, one that wouldn't require much and she had all weekend to work on it. And as Santana did that, Rachel was preparing for a possibly excruciating car ride with Shelby.

The drive to La Ballerine was long and quiet. Shelby decided not to take Beth with them. It was mother daughter time, just her and Rachel. She'd hoped that the time alone, even if simply shopping, would give them more common ground. Singing and dancing were two things they shared. If those things couldn't bring them together, nothing could. Well, maybe not nothing, but she was hoping it would help. They've been doing better, that was a positive, but they could've been doing better than that. Rachel was still distant with her and really only spent time with Beth. Their personal encounters still seemed a little forced and rehearsed. Shelby longed for things to be perfect and uncomplicated. She wanted nothing more than for Rachel to accept her place in her life, maybe even call her mom one day. She wouldn't rush that though. That would be asking for trouble and they've had enough of that. Why invite more?

"What exactly do you need to get today?" Shelby, being the more mature, adult in their relationship, decided to ease the tension and break the ice. "You said something about tights and leotards."

"I need several pairs of white tights. They're required and my last pair is no longer a viable option."Again, she left out the not fitting part. That wasn't any of Shelby's business. "Should I earn a prominent role in the recital, I'll need a new pair of pink slippers, but that can wait until the next trip. I have to make it first."

"I'm sure you'll get a great role." She wanted to offer more reassurance, but she didn't know what would build her confidence. "Is there anything else?"

"Elaina, she's one of the shop owners, said she'd fit me for some custom leotards if we have the time." Rachel looked to her with question.

"We have time. That's why I left Beth with a sitter, so we could have all the time you need."

"Ok." That was all she could manage to say. She didn't know what else there was to say. And so the rest of the ride was met with another silence.

Arriving, Rachel felt a little uncomfortable. She didn't think inviting Shelby with her through. The people there knew her. They knew her fathers. They didn't know Shelby. There'd be questions she wouldn't want to answer and maybe talks and topics she wouldn't want Shelby around to overhear. No, she didn't think it through. In a moment of childhood fancy, she was about to give Shelby insight into things she never wanted her to see. She didn't want Shelby to know anything about her fathers' slight neglect. She wouldn't allow her to taint the good memories with thoughts of how she would've done better. Shelby would've done worse. It was necessary to believe that, not only to honor their memory, but to not revert to complete and utter contempt for Shelby for walking out on her. She had to believe that her fathers did a better job loving and caring for her than Shelby ever could.

She didn't want to think about that. All she wanted was to get in and get out without any talks of old times and memories and Shelby learning anything about the old Rachel and her life with her fathers that she didn't want her to know. Shelby didn't hold the right to an opinion and Rachel knew she'd have one. As they pulled into the familiar lot, the anxiety didn't seem to quell. They got out of the car and headed toward the shop. She'd give anything to find the nearest bathroom, but she could feel Shelby's eyes all over her and just couldn't risk it.

The ding of the bell above the door sounded in the entire shop and all eyes were on them. Recognition came immediately. "Rachel? Rachel sweetie is that you?"

Plastering that smile on her face, Rachel rushed over to the older woman. "Annette, it has been so long." Annette, the older co-owner of the shop, and Elaina's mother, engulfed Rachel into a long awaited hug.

"You're all skin and bones. What have you been up to? Where have you been?"

"I've been busy."

"Well you're here now." Shelby watched and listened as the woman pulled her daughter away from the entrance and deeper into the store. This woman, Annette, and probably Elaina too, seemed to be on better terms with her daughter than she was. Yes, things have been getting better, but she still couldn't freely hug her or talk to her openly about anything like they seemed to. She was jealous of people she never even met before. Noticing that they were already on the other side of the store, Shelby slowly made her way to catch up to them making sure to eavesdrop as much as possible.

"So who is that woman you came in with?"

"Oh, that's… That's Shelby."

"Mother Shelby?" Elaina was quick to put the pieces together and even quicker to question once she did.

"Yes, my mother Shelby?"

"What about your fathers? Off on another business trip or just too busy to be with their daughter this time?" Rachel's whole demeanor changed. Her shoulders slumped and she looked to the floor. She didn't want to talk about them. Luckily, Shelby wasn't around to hear it, or so she thought.

"Come on Rachel. You can't blame us for asking. They stopped showing up years ago and you always gave the same excuse. They were away on a trip. But that seemed a little excessive since you used to come for frequent visits."

"There was an accident." The two were speechless, watching with mouths agape. "They didn't make it." Rachel said quietly. She just wanted to get it over with and move on. She may have cried and wrote about it, but she really hadn't dealt with it.

"I'm so sorry."

"Me too." And they both wrapped their arms around her for a group hug. She didn't reciprocate, not because she didn't care about them, but because she just couldn't. Her arms stayed glued to her side.

"It's ok. I'm dealing with it. It happened some time ago." She said as she gently pushed them away.

"Is that why you haven't been by in a while?"

"I was… adjusting, getting used to my new life."

"We know sweetie. We understand, and we're here for you."

"I know, thank you."

"So you're staying with your mother now?" She shook her head. "How's that going?"

"It's fine." Elaina and Annette exchanged a look. The last time Rachel was that quiet was the first time she showed up alone after Hiram and Leroy were away for over a month and she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to tell them that she was alone, but they asked how she got there and when she told them she took a cab they asked a ton of questions.

"Ok Rachel, let's start getting you fitted." As they started to walk away, Shelby approached Annette to introduce herself.

"Hi, I'm Shelby."

"I know who you are dear."

"You do?"

"Rachel talked about you a few times. I'm Annette, but call me Ann. Rachel's the only person to use my given name." That sounded like Rachel.

"I couldn't help but overhear you talking about her fathers. What happened? Did they just stop coming?"

"Business trips and vacation were the oxygen to their lungs. They couldn't live without them. They used to bring her around every few weeks and then they just stopped coming. One day she showed up alone and told us she took a cab."

"What happened?"

"The rest you'll have to talk to Rachel about." Rachel told her that her fathers were great and attentive. Shelby believed that or maybe she forced herself to because there were no acceptable alternatives. It made her think what else Rachel hadn't told her. What else was Rachel keeping hidden?

"Ok. Where do you keep the tights?"

"Back wall. It's hard to miss. She likes the brand with the blue wrapper and a picture of Pointe shoes on the front. Her size should be the first or second rack of those." Shelby was a little shell shocked and became even more jealous. Ann knew her daughter's favorite brands and sizes. She probably knew her favorite foods and colors and all the other things she herself should know.

"Thank you." She replied and made her way to the back of the store. Meanwhile, Rachel was in the middle of her fitting.

"You're so tiny Rachel." That wasn't the first lie she was told that day and she was sure it wasn't going to be the last.

"I've always been tiny." It was a justification that she knew wouldn't fly, but she went for it anyway.

"Not this tiny. The last time your measurements were this small, you were just a kid."

"Well, I haven't been eating as much as usual since they died, but I'm doing better now. I'm sure you'll see me in here in a few months begging for bigger leos."

"Let's hope so because this isn't healthy." Neither of the older women was convinced by Rachel's excuse. She was continually getting smaller and smaller over the past few fittings. Only that time was the biggest change. The last fitting wasn't that long ago but the change in numbers was drastic.

"Don't worry about me. I'm perfectly fine." Their concern only grew as the conversation went on. Normally Rachel would be talking their ears off, dominating the conversation with new details about her life, her singing, and her dancing. But that wasn't the case. They had to carry the conversation and ask all the questions just to get her to say a few words. That was more than enough for them to worry.

"Ok Rach, we're all done."

"Thank you."

"It's no problem sweetie. You know you're our favorite customer. Why don't you go get the rest of the things you need and I'll go bring this in the back so we can get on it as soon as you're gone?"

"Ok." Rachel took off towards where Shelby was as they watched. They may not see her all the time or know every detail about her, but they could see that something wasn't quite right. The smile she wore was nothing more than a mask and that was troubling. They've seen it in other dancers and didn't want to see it in her. They cared about that girl and didn't want to see her clearly suffering. But it got them wondering. Did no one else in her life see it?

"These are the ones you like right?" Shelby startled her.

"Uh…" She looked at them hesitating for a moment. They were the right ones, but the wrong size. Those were the same ones she had in her locker; the same ones that no longer fit. "Yeah. How did you know?"

"I'm your mother. I know things."

"Sure." She said knowing that wasn't at all the truth. Annette must've told her while she was with Elaina. That was the only thing that made sense. "Can you find the hair ribbons for me? I'm going to peruse around a little." Hair ribbons were a safe choice. No one cold mess up the sizes for those.

"Of course." As soon as Shelby was far enough down the aisle, Rachel hurried back to the tights. She needed to switch them out without being obvious about it. Distracting people with other tasks seemed to work in the past. It would work that time too. But getting rid of Shelby wasn't the only problem. Her normal tights were the smallest adult size. Children's sizes posed some problems too. The lengths would be too short, so she'd have to go with long. The only problem with that was that the package was different. It was only a little different, so she hoped no one would notice, but there was always that possibility and that left her unsettled.

She did it anyway. And the four women spent a good hour catching up before Rachel finished her shopping and went to check out. Shelby didn't notice the switch, but why would she? She wouldn't pay attention to the little things. Elaina was helping another customer, and for once, Rachel was happy that she wasn't talking with her. Usually she enjoyed their visits, but this time it was both refreshing and demanding. Fooling them, people who knew about her dads and her outside of school, was physically demanding. But it was still good talking to them and seeing them again.

"Rachel, these aren't the right ones." Of course Annette, the oldest of them all with the worst eyesight, would catch the difference.

"Yes they are." She said quickly. She needed her to drop it. She didn't need Shelby asking any questions, like why she was buying tights made for a tall ten year old.

Annette eyed her curiously, but, to Rachel's great relief, let it go. She could spot Rachel's nervous glances around them and could sense how uncomfortable she was. She also knew that if something was wrong, she'd see her in a few weeks so they could talk about it then. She'd reevaluate the entire situation then. "Maybe I'm wrong." She said bringing closure to the conversation. Annette finished ringing them up and Rachel paid. And after a few minutes of goodbyes, Rachel told them she'd see them soon and then she and Shelby were on their way out. She rushed them to the car so there was no chance they could say any more to Shelby.

For the most part, the ride was quiet. But Rachel could feel the clockwork glances coming her way every few minutes. Every free chance, Shelby would look at Rachel like she was waiting with bated breath. Rachel didn't like it one bit. And quite frankly, it was irritating her.

"Is there something on your mind?" The question came out more abrasive than she meant. But it couldn't be helped. She was anxious and frustrated. Her usual headache had taken root and it brought along some friends. Her hand was still hurting and she felt a little off balance. And to top it off, the frequent staring and mind game thing Shelby had going was really just pushing her to her limits. Her mood swings from lack of food were in full force and it was easy to tick her off.

"Why do you ask that?"

"Because you keep staring at me." She snapped. Her tone was loud and sharp.

"Don't yell at me."

"Then stop staring at me! It's annoying."

"We were having a good day. What's with the attitude?" She was doing her best to remain calm, but Rachel was running out of free passes and sooner or later she'd have to put her foot down.

"I don't have an attitude. You're the one that's causing problems."

"And how am I doing that Rachel?"

"By being you!"

"What does that mean? What happened? We were getting along so well over the past few weeks, what happened to change that?"

"I shouldn't have asked you to come." She wasn't really talking to her mother when she said that.

"Why not? What did I do?"

"Everything… Nothing…" In some ways that was true. Shelby did nothing wrong. But at the same time, everything was wrong and she hadn't done anything right either. Whether it was true or not, all Rachel could see was that all roads lead to Shelby.

"So why are you so angry?"

"I don't know."

"Can you stop yelling?"

"Can you stop talking?"

"No." She was firm. "You're going to stop talking and calm down."

"Fine." She huffed. Her head was spinning. She had no idea what was going on. All her hard work was coming undone. And why? Because of what? She didn't even know. It was ridiculous and she was fuming. She was an idiot. That was the only answer.

Shelby gave her a good silent five minutes with no looking to compose herself. "Are you calm now?"

"I'm fine." She was emotionless. Her voice was empty. The only thing that made her happy was that they were only five minutes away from the house.

"Good. Do you want to tell me what that was about?"

"You were staring and it was getting on my nerves."

"I don't think that's what's bothering you."

"Oh and you know what is?" Right, because Shelby knew all about Rachel.

"They brought up your dads."

"So?" She snapped again, only there wasn't yelling. She was more resigned. "What's your point?"

"Have you really dealt with their deaths?"

"I did. I'm over it. I'm good and I'm moving on."

"I think you have some unresolved issues."

"And you're going to tell me what those are?"

"Rachel…" The name was said as motherly as possible. "I don't think you've ever dealt with the neglect."

"Don't talk about them like that." They were on fragile ground.

"They should've been, but they weren't there for you."

"And you were? You don't know them. You don't know me. You don't get to judge. I loved my fathers and they loved me!"

"I know they did. But they left you alone to fend for yourself. That's neglect and now that they're gone, you can't confront them about it. You can't ask why."

"What do you know? You weren't there." Her outbursts were reaching their peak as Shelby pulled into the driveway.

"No. I wasn't there. But they should have been. They should've been there for you instead of away on trips all the time."

"You weren't there for me either. But you don't consider yourself neglectful do you? No, you just didn't care enough to look after me. You had Beth. Who cared about Rachel?"

"That's not true at all. I lo…" She cut her off. That was one lie she wouldn't tolerate.

"No, it is true. You never cared. So don't talk about my dads like you're better than them. Because you're not. You're worse. You walked away. They may not have been there all the time, but they stayed. You walked away!" With that, she got out of the car before it came to a stop and slammed the door as hard as she could. Luckily the front door was open and she ran straight for her room. She could hear Shelby calling after her and Beth's crying from the commotion, but she didn't care.

As soon as she was alone, barricaded in her room, she locked the door and cried. Shelby tried to come in and knocked when she couldn't. She told Rachel to open up and kept trying for a good ten minutes before saying that it wasn't over and they were going to be talking about it. She cried so hard for so long that she didn't even have to force herself to throw up the nothing she ate that day. It came naturally and she was thankful it did. It saved her time and energy.

It took a long time for her to compose herself again. She needed something to take her mind off of everything again. She needed to escape her mind. So she thought of her best distraction. Pulling out her phone, which she was surprised Shelby hadn't demanded she let her have for the time being, she sent out a text. _I hear you can do amazing things with your hands. _She never thought she'd be sending those words to Puck, or anyone, or that she'd have any sort of conversation about the topic with him. But things change. People change. She had.

_You hear right._ His response was quick, barely any wait at all.

_Want to prove it?_ She was hoping her texts didn't sound as awkward and forced as they did in her own head.

_Where you at?_

_My room…_

_Shelby there?_ Where else would the wicked witch of Lima be?

_Yes._

_Is she going to let me in?_

_No, but that's what your juvenile delinquent skills are good for. Use the tree by my bedroom. Window's open._ It seemed like a safe route. She tried it once when she wanted to go for a walk in the middle of the night. That way there was less chance of disturbing Shelby and awaking the beast.

_15 minutes?_

_Works for me…Quiet though. Do not disturb mommy dearest._

_Got it. Be there soon._

Right on time, fifteen minutes later Puck was crawling through her bedroom window. She walked out of the bathroom once she heard the commotion. He knocked over some of the things that were placed within the two foot radius of the window.

"Be quiet Noah. We don't want her to come in and find you."

"You didn't lock the door?"

"Of course I did."

"So what's the problem?" He asked as he approached her. She was sitting on the edge of her bed wearing one of her old skirts that he loved so much.

"There is none I guess."

"Good." His voice was low and quiet and her entire body tingled from the heat of his breath by her ear. Rachel looked into his eyes. She needed him and a part of him needed her too. He gently stood and pushed her down. "Why am I here Rachel?" He asked as his body pressed against hers, slightly hovering over her on the bed. He moved closer to her, leaning into her and kissing her neck.

"You have this way of making me feel better." She responded shyly. "No matter what's going on, you can make me feel better and forget about what was wrong in the first place."

"Yeah, well, I got a way of doing that for all the girls."

"I'm serious Noah." She chided.

He kissed her deeply, passionately, different from the other times, and then broke away for just a second. "I know." His manly hand gently caressed her leg, climbing slowly to her core, inching under her skirt. As soon as she was ready, his fingers were deep inside of her thrusting and working their magic. She let out a low moan as a knock came from her door.

"Rachel are you ok? I heard something fall." Of course Shelby would pick the most inopportune time to check on her. Puck, still going, looked up to her for a reaction.

"Do you want me to stop?" His voice was little more than a far away whisper.

"Na…no." She panted out. "Eh… Everything's fuh, fine Shelby." That was all she could manage with Noah doing his thing knuckle deep inside of her.

"So nothing's wrong? You sound out of breath."

"No-ah." It sounded close enough to no uh and it was coherent enough to get the point across, but the slight whimper like moan she released as he brought her closer to the brink was a little suspicious.

"I'm coming in." She heard the door knob turn and the handle jiggle. "Rachel, why is the door locked?"

"I forgot…" She had to take deep breaths in between every few syllables. "Forgot to unlock it… af-after changing…"

"Come unlock it now so we can talk."

"Talk later. On the elliptical. Missed my morning run." She couldn't speak in full coherent sentences. That was the best she could do, and lying was fine. She went for a run in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep and she most definitely wasn't on the elliptical.

"Finish up and be down for dinner in an hour. We'll be talking then."

"Oh…" She mumbled too quiet for Shelby to hear. "Yes!" It was the most vocal she'd ever been with Noah, but oh god did she feel good. It was an added bonus that the words seemed to fit both situations. And the smirk on Puck's face was worth it too. He smiled greedily soaking in the sight of the fast rise and fall of her chest as she panted.

"What do you think of my hands now?"

"I think they're my new favorite toy."

"Oh yeah?" He asked as he started kissing his way up her body.

"Yeah."

"What about my toy?"

"I like that too."

"Prove it."

"I'd love too." Even with Shelby just down stairs, they couldn't stop. Rachel couldn't get enough of Puck. And he liked that. He liked that she seemed to need him and he liked what he did to her every time they were together. He actually just liked her. But he wasn't going to admit that. Rachel made it clear that they were friends and he wasn't going to mess that up. She was his Jew screw, his bed buddy. That's all.

They made the most of the hour they had. Puck teased her a little bit. She teased him back. Then they worked up enough sweat to prove she got the workout she told Shelby she had. For Puck it was about the sex. It was about the high of that mixed with the pleasure of Rachel. But for her it was more than that. The sex was great, but she couldn't let it have meaning. Then it wouldn't be just sex. To her it was more about what he said to her. He always said nice things. He called her beautiful, told her she had an amazing body, and the crazy part was that she almost believed what he was saying. So yes, while he was the equivalent of ecstasy and euphoria, his words were just as great. And she needed that.

Lying side by side on her bed, Rachel turned her head to look at Puck. "I should get dressed and go done before Shelby comes looking for me."

"You probably should, and I should probably get going."

"Are you hungry? I'm sure you worked up an appetite after that."

"What are you going to do? Bring me downstairs as a dinner guest?"

"No. I'm going to convince her to let me eat in my room and bring up seconds."

"Sure. I'll stay." Rachel did what she said. She went into the kitchen as Shelby was about to go and find her. It was tense, but then she pulled out some of her best acting skills and, after a few minutes of arguing and a rather compelling apology for her earlier tantrum, she convinced Shelby to allow her to eat in her room. It wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. They were both pretty annoyed with each other still. And Rachel knew how to play on that. Shelby wasn't used to dealing with her own moody teenager, so she gave in and let Rachel eat in her room, and she even got away without having that big talk.

Rachel didn't eat though. She brought her food to Puck telling him she ate superfast with Shelby downstairs. It was believable. They were "discussing' things for at least ten minutes. The arrangement worked in her favor. She got away from Shelby, got Puck to eat her food, and didn't have to worry about how fast she could get away and to the bathroom. It was a weird day, but at least a few things worked out for her. So after saying goodbye to Puck and taking a much needed shower, she ended the night on a fairly high note. At least it was on a higher note than she ended a day in over the past few weeks, months even.

She would stay as happy as she could be given the state of her life for the next few days. Over those days, Santana was getting together the final details on her plan to scare Rachel straight and bring her back to the land of the normal. It was a last ditch effort to get Rachel to stop what she was doing as passively as possible. If she had to take it further she would. But a more aggressive plan of attack might make things worse. She was a little conflicted, but she'd worry about that if, and only if, her plan didn't work out. She hoped it did because she wasn't liking the whole being involved thing. She much rather make fun of people than try to help them.

Come the end of the week and Santana was ready. She did enough research on eating disorders and the effects it could have on people's health. She learned enough to scare even herself. Some of the people who suffered from the disorder were so deep into it that they weighed their body's output and stored their vomit in bags hidden away like the dirty little secrets they were. She found herself praying that that wasn't Rachel. And if it was, a part of her didn't want to know. It still bothered her that she cared in the first place, but she was in it and she couldn't just stop. So she was going to try it and if she didn't stop, she was going to have to go to more drastic members. She might even have to get an adult involved. That was a conversation she really didn't want to have.

When it came time for glee, Santana was a little nervous. This was her last chance to get to Rachel before winter break. Luckily, when she arrived with Brittany, only Rachel and Quinn were in there with her. It wasn't a big plan. She was just going to use some of her new found knowledge to get to Rachel. She was simply going to have a chat with Brittany that included some of the scarier facts and was going to talk a little pointedly and loud enough for Rachel to hear. Nothing major was going down. She was just going to say the things she knew would scare her most. That was all.

Rachel had a nagging feeling about Santana all day. She knew something was coming. Her stares have toned done and her stalking was less frequent. It felt eerily like the calm before the storm. So she was just waiting for the lightning to strike and the thunder to rumble. That was what tended to happen when things were going ok in her life. They could never be great, but ok was all she could hope for. She got her act together again and even managed to get out of the big talk with Shelby. She told her that she didn't mean what she said, that she was angry and was taking everything out on her. Shelby obviously bought it and accepted it. There was even a smile and a hug, which made her even happier. It was the first hug she got that wasn't brought on by bereavement or some sort of disaster. As much as it pained her to play the loving and forgiving daughter to her child abandoning mother, it worked in her favor. She even got her way when it came to the holidays. Shelby wanted to make them special for Rachel, but she didn't want that at all. Somehow, she convinced her to take Beth to her family's for the day so she could have some alone time and remember the good holiday memories with her dads. She knew Shelby didn't get along well with her family, but she knew holidays usually made things better and she was right. Shelby wanted her to go too, but she convinced her that she just wasn't ready. She wasn't sure she'd ever be because that would mean truly accepting Shelby.

On top of that amazing feat, she was finally landing all her dance moves and knew the routine needed for auditions. Her routine was back in full gear. She could go to her favorite bathroom in school without the usual followers. The nightly weigh ins showed more progress toward her goal. And thus far, the rituals had been uninterrupted. It was an ok week. Nothing was great. Nothing was ever great, but things were ok. That's how she knew something was coming. And that thought was reinforced when she saw Santana walk into the room. Her eyes spoke volumes. They told Rachel that she had something up her sleeve.

"Hey B, remind me to turn my paper in by the end of the day. It needs to be handed in before we leave for break." Santana asked Brittany as they took the seats in the center of the row in front of Rachel and Quinn's.

"What's it about?" Santana knew that Brittany would ask that question. She didn't even have to fill her in on the plan to know it would go off without a hitch… hopefully.

"We had to do research on eating disorders for health class."

"I thought you took health last year." Quinn spoke out of turn. Santana glared at her, urging her to shut it before she zipped it for her.

"Well I failed so I took it over." She passed it the year before, barely, but she still passed. But that was all beside the point. Once she was satisfied the Quinn would keep to herself, Santana continued. "Do you want to know what I learned?"

"You actually learned something San?" Rachel was slightly annoyed by the conversation. They didn't have to talk so loud abut a topic not everyone wanted to discuss.

"It can give you heart problems." Quinn just watched this conversation wondering what was going on. She knew that Santana was acting all weird about Rachel. And she knew that Santana wasn't in any health class. It was also obvious that she was putting on a show for Rachel. But it couldn't be for that… It couldn't be what she thought. So Rachel has been weird and losing weight. That didn't mean she had an eating disorder. Right? She did catch her getting all sick and what not in the bathroom though. And then she spread all those rumors. Everything was starting to make sense to Quinn and it bothered her. What did she do?

"It can make you mean?"

"No it can make you sick and hurt your heart."

"What else?

"I looked it up and read that all the throwing up can damage the esophagus."

"Where's that?"

"Here Brits." Santana showed her by pointing on her body.

"It can get so bad that it makes it difficult to even talk. It could permanently ruin a singing voice." Rachel's hand instinctively wrapped around her throat. "It can even…" Rachel spaced out after that. She didn't hear anything else that was said. For the rest of the day she was nothing more than a zombie going through the motions. Everything that happened from that point to that night was just blank space.

The next thing she vividly remembered was after dinner. She finished and rushed up to her room. There was pacing to and from the bathroom door. Then there was long hard thinking while she rocked herself on her bed. There was really a lot of confusion and jumbled thoughts. Certain phrases from taunts and insults, to Quinn's words from their fight, to Santana's words that day all ran through her mind.

"_It can get so bad that it makes it difficult to even talk. It could permanently ruin a singing voice."_ It could hurt her voice… But she had to do it. But she couldn't. But she had to. But she shouldn't. But she had to. But she wouldn't. But she had to. She had to. She understood what it meant, but she couldn't help it. The need, the pull, the drive, the polarizing magnetism of the calling, whatever it was, was just too strong. She no longer had control. Nothing would happen to her voice, she assured herself of that before running into the bathroom and doing the one thing she knew she shouldn't have. But she had to.

And then, for the first time ever, she felt worse. It wasn't enough anymore. She still got the high, but the anxiety was still there; mostly because she waited too long. And that made her feel terrible. Santana's voice was still there and it was clouding what should have been a huge rush. All she could think about was the possible damage to her vocal cords and how that could've been the last straw. And then she felt stupid for thinking that. It wasn't going to happen. So she just started pacing like she had before. She walked back and forth in her bathroom. The anxiety was about more than that. She took her sweet time debating whether or not to do the right thing. And while she made the right choice, she wasted precious time and allowed the food to settle first. She felt disgusting again, a little terrified too. What was wrong with her?

But then a thought came into her head. The thoughts had been lingering in her mind since that incident with Beth and the glass. She found herself sitting on the edge of the bathtub, her left index finger running over the scabbing cut on her hand. She remembered how that made her feel, how even though it was an accident, it felt right. The way the glass took away all the pain she was feeling by simply creating a diversion. But it mesmerized her. And when she gripped it tighter, pushed it in deeper, it felt even better. She needed that feeling again, especially since her high was tainted by the heinous thoughts Santana so clearly planted in her mind.

Without thinking, she grabbed the first sharp object she could find. In her hand she held the opened scissors and stared at the cool steel blades. Then, without giving it a second thought, she slid the blade across her right thigh instantly feeling its affects. Once again she just found herself watching the blood seep from her open wounds. The parted flesh welled with red tears before oozing and dripping down her leg. Her once tanned limbs now painted a rich cherry, a contrast to her new pallor. It was beautiful in its own way. Peaceful too. The sense of serenity and composure that came from it was such an unexpected reaction to get from a potentially gruesome act. The essence of it all wasn't about someone purposely hurting herself or trying to kill herself, it wasn't even a real cry for help; it was purely about Rachel dealing with and getting relief from everything and nothing at the same time any way she could. It was the only way to find the strength and inner peace to win the war between her conflicting thoughts and feelings that was raging within her body.

"Rachel?" The silent reverie was broken by Shelby's knocking on the bathroom door. She was in too much of a good thing to really notice and was half dazed for most of the conversation. "Rachel are you in there?" Crap! She forgot to lock the door and heard the knob turning and the door beginning to open. She was panicking, frantically searching for anything to cover her up. As if fate were on her side, she left her dirty towel in there and quickly grabbed it. She wouldn't be able to see the seeping blood through the towel. It was already red. Swiftly, Rachel sat on the edge of the tub allowing the towel to cover her barley dressed bottom half and the blood that made it to the tiles. When Shelby's head popped in, not enough to see anything including Rachel, but enough for Rachel to see her, the pounding of her heart finally slowed enough for her to speak.

"What is it Shelby?"

"Are you decent?" Rachel considered the question. Was she decent? No, probably not. She was a dirty good for nothing idiot, but she was covered up. So yes, she was decent. She took one quick look around to make sure everything was covered up. Putting the bloody scissors in the tub behind her and making sure nothing else could be seen, Rachel decided it was ok for her to come in.

"You may come in Shelby."

"What are you doing in here? Didn't you hear me calling?"

"No I didn't hear you. I was just getting ready to shave." Shelby was eyeing her suspiciously. And why wouldn't she? Rachel was sitting in an awkward position, her legs sprawled in different direction, towel clad with a long sleeve shirt on, and her hands holding the towel to keep it from moving. She looked suspicious.

"Are you alright? You look a little nervous and clammy."

"I'm fine. It's just nerves. It's the last week before auditions and I'm not ready."

"You're going to do great."

"Thanks." Her heart was still pounding. She just wanted Shelby to leave. "Did you want something? I need to finish."

"I just wanted to say goodnight."

"Goodnight." It came out rushed. The desperation was evident.

"Goodnight…" Shelby took one last look at Rachel, eyeing her from head to toe, and then left. Rachel finally let out the breath she didn't even realize she was holding.

Once the high wore off and she was all cleaned up and bandaged, she felt guilty. Shelby almost caught her. If Shelby ever found out, she'd be disgusted and have one more reason to hate Rachel. She didn't need to give her anymore reasons for that. She was already everything no one wanted. As great as it felt, as perfect as it was, and as much as she really wanted to, she couldn't do it again. It was wrong. But how could it feel so right?

She made herself a promise that night. She promised never to do it again. She wouldn't do it again.

**I finished this chapter on Saturday. The site wouldn't let me sign in until Wednesday. By that time I already started adding more and reworking the chapter. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for the delay.**

**Sorry for any and all grammatical or spelling errors.**

**So I got a little lost in this chapter. There might be a slight lack in focus, but I got my major points that I needed to out there. I hope you all enjoy this chapter anyways. Everything's coming to a head soon. I have it all worked out in a jumbled not really worked out kind of way. For those of you who can't figure out my mind's mess, that means that I have ideas swirling and I hope they translate into my writing. We will see how it turns out.**

**Well, until next time…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	20. Trial and Error or Failure

**SAME WARNING AS LAST TIME. Let's just assume all chapters until further notice are not for the easily triggered. **

Chapter 20: Trial and Error or Failure

By the time the holidays passed and the real winter break rolled around, Rachel couldn't hold herself to the promise she made, not even for a few days. Shelby and Beth left midday Saturday. Her mother was a nervous wreck and that just added to Rachel's already maxed out anxiety levels. She wasn't sure Shelby's were any lower.

"So here are all the contact numbers. 911 for emergencies."

"Obviously." But Shelby couldn't hear a word she was saying. Instead, she just continued.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Her rant seemed like it would never end.

"I'm sur…"

"I don't know if I'm comfortable leaving you alone."

"I'll be…" If she wasn't heard soon, she was going to flip out.

"Maybe this was a bad idea."

"Shelby, I'm going to be fi…"

"I could cancel if you want me to stay."

"No." She finally got a whole sentence out. Sure, it was only one word, but she complete the whole thought.

"You should just come."

"Shel…"

"Or better yet, I should just cancel. There's always next year."

"Shelby…"

"I don't want you to be alone for the holidays. I know Chanukah is over, but there's still Christmas."

"It's…"

"My mother is going to give me hell for not bringing you."

"What's her name?" Rachel finally got her attention and pulled her from her reverie. She caught Shelby off guard.

"What?"

"You keep saying my mother this, my mother that, but you never said her name. What's her name?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Her name's Margaret, Corcoran."

"I figured that last part." She added sarcastically.

"Don't get smart with me."

"I'm sorry, but you have to stop." Rachel reached for the paper that was on the table in front of them. "I have all the numbers. I promise to call you and you are sure to call every five minutes to bother me. Everything's going to be fine."

"I know everything will be fine, but I still don't know how I feel about leaving you alone and on the holidays." Shelby moved closer and it took everything in Rachel not to take that instinctive step back. "I know what you said, but are you sure you don't want to come? You could meet your family." She resisted the urge to scream that they weren't her family. Her family was all dead and buried. But she was more disciplined than that. To keep up the act she had to use that self control.

"I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to meet them, and I've never celebrated Christmas with my dads. You're family celebrates both and that's great, but I can't do that yet. I'm not ready to break away from the traditions set with my family." Rachel figured giving a semi sentimental spiel would get Shelby to give up on getting her way. "You should go and have fun. You haven't seen them in a long time and phone calls once every few months isn't enough. You're family's alive and you should take advantage of that while you still can." Yes, she was playing dirty and guilting Shelby into going, but she really needed some alone time. She had been living with Shelby for a while and hardly had any time truly to herself. It was like going from zero to sixty. One minute she was living practically on her own with periodic visits from her fathers in between trips and then she's in an environment where there were rules and people twenty four seven. It was a lot to get used to, and she could use the break.

"Ok, I understand. You can stay, but no one comes over without my permission. If I call you better answer. And I will be calling frequently. You know the rules. Beth's sitter will come by to check on you for me." That was where Rachel drew the line.

"That's entirely unnecessary. You're only going to be gone for a few days and I'm not Beth. I'm not a child anymore. I don't need to be checked upon by a baby sitter. I've spent time alone before and I handled t just fine." Saying that didn't help her cause. Shelby had been dwelling on the fact that her fathers so frequently left her in her own care and she didn't want Rachel to feel she was doing the same.

"I really shouldn't go." Rachel appreciated the effort. She was trying to portray the protective mama bear, but she hadn't needed that mama bear to protect her for the past sixteen years and she most definitely didn't need it then.

"Shelby…" The name was long and drawn out to make a point.

"I don't want to leave you alone like they did." So great. Rachel needed to offer her mother reassurances and tell her what a great person she was.

"You're not leaving me alone like they did. You haven't left me alone once since I moved in. Normal parents leave their kids alone every now and then." Rachel picked up the suitcase from the ground and started to push it toward Shelby. "You should take Beth and leave now. You're giving me a headache."

"Fine." Shelby accepted the suitcase and they walked toward the front door. "Grab Beth and help me get her in the car." Rachel complied. The faster she did that the faster they left.

Putting the bag in the trunk, Shelby walked around the car to stand in front of Rachel. She hesitated for a moment and then went for it. Her arms wrapped Rachel into an embrace. She didn't return it. It was unexpected and she didn't know how she felt about it. On one hand it was the beginning of what could be the maternal bond she always craved. And on the other, it was not at all what she was expecting and she didn't know if she was ready for it. She wasn't sure she was anywhere near ready to hear what came out of her mouth either. "I know you don't want to hear it, and I doubt you'll believe it, but I love you. Be good and I'll see you in a few days."

Rachel was left awestruck. She tried so hard last time to stop Shelby from saying those words, but she didn't even see it coming that time. There was no way she was saying it back, and not an ounce in her believed it was true, but she managed a simply, "Bye Shelby," as the woman walked into the car and began to hesitantly drive away.

After a brief moment of standing in the freezing cold, just trying to understand what just happened, Rachel rushed inside and headed straight to her bathroom. The first thing she went for were the scissors. That wasn't her intention. The bathroom wasn't even her intended destination. It all just sort of happened. There was some internal debate. Do it? Don't do it? Then there was some coaxing. "Come on Rachel. You said you wouldn't do this." She told herself. "But you want to do it." And she did, so bad. The feel of the cold blade in her hand was enticing. It felt like it was calling out to her. "Use me Rachel. Use me!" She fought it a little longer, but she was quickly losing the battle of the wills that ensued. She wanted to do it. Whether she'd cop to that or not, she wanted to. She caved. She gave in. Pulling her pants down to expose her thigh, she ran a hand over the healing cut already there. It looked lonely. It needed a friend. And she'd give it one or more.

Gripping the icy steel tightly in her hand, she roughly swiped it across her flesh, the silver leaving a red fire on her skin. That one was for the empty promises of love and family. The family she'd never have. The love she'd never feel. The next one was for no reason in particular and every reason at all. In a mixture of anger and sadness, in a moment devoid of any and all reason, she added another mark to the otherwise pristine skin. It was deeper than she intended, but she didn't care either way, because once she saw the mountain of red gold flow seamlessly out of her body and form the most incredible abstract creation she had ever seen, nothing else mattered. She just sat there, taking deep breaths and enjoying the insides of her body becoming living art. She still didn't know why it felt so good, why something that would have most people crying out in pain had her wishing for more, but she loved it nonetheless. She didn't know a lot, but she could tell; things had changed. She could feel it.

The first time it happened was an accident. The second time was an impulse. The third time was a choice. And the fourth time it was an addiction. After that it was just part of her life. That wasn't something she necessarily realized as she cleaned herself up. It was just a fact.

Her leg was red and raw. Just a light touch sent a shockwave of pain through her body. It wasn't as imposing as it seemed. It would come in handy during the moments where there were no sharp objects around or any alone time to speak of. A simple push and the pain she craved would be hers for the taking. But that was something to worry about at a later date. Then, she had to focus on sterilizing her self-inflicted wounds. Infection was not an opponent she dared to go up against.

As she wiped it up, she realized just how deep she went that last time. Even with the applied pressure, which allowed her to feel the wet warmth in her hands, it was still bleeding pretty badly. But she wasn't worried. It wouldn't kill her. If that day ever came she'd do it intentionally, not by accidentally slicing a little too deep. Applying gauze and medical tape that she found in Shelby's bathroom, she thought about what came next. Bleeding wound and all, she didn't care; she had some time to kill before she'd expect Shelby's call and decided to go for a run. She'd be doing a lot of that while Shelby was away. There was more freedom and luxury. There'd be no need for secrecy and sneaking around. No one was there but her.

So for the few days while Shelby was gone, life was pretty much routine. Many people traveled for the holiday so it was fairly quiet. It made her runs easier. Her days started out with a breakfast binge followed by a prompt regurgitation and a five mile run. After that came no rest. She would immediately clean herself up a bit to get some of the sweat off of her. Things could get a little wet and dirty when running in three pairs of sweat pants and several sweaters to ensure maximum output. And after she finished with that, she was usually more than close to passing out, but if she had the strength in her, even if she didn't, she'd rehydrate with ice cold water and head to the basement to work on her dance routine while singing whatever came on the radio. She needed to keep her voice in tip top shape. No matter what else was going on, when it came to competitions, she still wanted to be on top. She still craved the solos come show time.

The rest of the day was lost. She wouldn't stop to eat or drink or anything else. Every waking moment until her body succumbed to the darkness was spent trying to get it all right. That didn't just mean her dancing. She needed everything to be right. She had to be perfect and so did everything she did. So with the exception of phone calls from Shelby and her morning and nightly rituals, Rachel had a strictly one track mind. She was going to practice and practice until everything the execution of each move was flawless, her feet gave out, or she passed out again. Whichever came first would be the only thing to get her to stop.

It was the same all three and a half days that Rachel was alone. Tuesday after noon, Rachel finished cleaning the house and making it look less lived in, more spotless than it was before Shelby left. She shopped and replaced all the foods she binged on, at least most of it. If nothing was gone it'd look a little suspicious. There was no evidence of cutting or any of her other vices. The bathrooms were scrubbed clean. She even picked up a pack of shiny new razors so she didn't have to rely on whatever she could find. Those would be just hers.

The pack of five was hidden well. One was taped inside her journal so it was close to her at all times like a security blanket there for her comfort and use. Another was in her bathroom tucked safely away in the tin of Band-Aids. The third was in her nightstand drawer slipped into one of the miscellaneous boxes hidden in there. The fourth was taped under her desk. No one would ever think to look there. She was security conscious. Some things were better kept private. And as for the last, she didn't know where to keep that one. It had to be somewhere Shelby wouldn't find it, not that Shelby should be going through her things in the first place, but she couldn't find a place for it. Finally she settled for her dance bag. The razor had a plastic covering so it wouldn't slice through the fabric, and the pockets were looking a little lonely.

Once her razors were properly put away, Rachel was about to go back to practicing when she heard the phone ring. She immediately went into Shelby's room where the closest house phone was and picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hey Rachel, what are you doing?"

"Laundry." She had to do another load of clothes. Several of her runs on separate occasions irritated the wounds and caused the slightly healed cuts to rip open and bleed right through the gauze and her clothes. She very well couldn't let Shelby see that. That would only lead to questions and Shelby wouldn't want to hear the answers. Nor would Rachel want to give them.

"How was your day?"

"It was fine."

"We're on our way home."

"Ok." Shelby wasn't thrilled with the monosyllabic answers. Rachel had been like that since she and Beth left and she didn't understand why. What could she have done with a few hours and a whole chunk of land between them?

"Depending on traffic, we might be back by eight."

"Ok, I'll see you then. Bye." She was about to hang up when she heard Shelby's voice again.

"Wait Rachel!"

"Yes Shelby?"

"Is there something wrong? Are you upset with me?"

"No. Why would you ask that?"

"You haven't been yourself lately?" And she'd know exactly what herself was.

"Everything's fine here. I'm just enjoying the last of my alone time."

"Ok." She'd have to settle for that answer. She was about to get on a busy road and knew driving while on the cell phone wasn't a good idea. "We'll be home soon. I can't wait to see you."

"Yup, bye."

"Bye Rachel." Hanging up, Rachel placed a call to Renee. She knew the studio was closed for the break, but she could really use the time. And as much as it pained her to stare at her own reflection, the mirrored walls would allow her to see every flaw in her steps and know what needed to be fixed for Saturday. Renee told her that some of the other girls were doing the same thing and that she was in luck. The studio was free that night and one of the other instructors was using the room right next to theirs so she could go and stay until it needed to be locked up for the night.

Knowing that using the locker room would be a waste of time, she quickly ran up to her room. Pulling out some of the new stuff she bought and left at the house, she changed at warp speed and threw on some track pants and a jacket before grabbing her bag and starting to head out. She realized that she should've called Shelby to tell her she was going out. She was pretty good about that, but she didn't want to run the risk of Shelby telling her no, so she opted for the old school note. Scribbling down a few words, she slipped on her shoes and started walking to the studio.

Two and a half hours passed. And while Rachel was working up a sweat and dancing her little butt off, Shelby was pulling into the driveway. Deciding that taking in the bags was an unnecessary task for the time, Shelby bypassed the trunk, opting for the back seat instead. Grabbing Beth from the car seat, they went into the house. It was dark and empty. She couldn't hear Rachel stirring or anything else at all.

"Rachel!" She bellowed. "Rachel, we're home!" Still nothing. "Where's your sister Beth?"

"Ray." Beth spit out while chewing on her little stuffed friend.

"Yes, where's Ray?" It was around 8:30 when they arrived home and past Beth's bedtime. That was made obvious by the way Beth leaned into Shelby and rested her head against Shelby's shoulder. "Come on Beth. Let's go find Rachel and then put you to bed." Just as she was about to start up the stairs, a bright yellow piece of paper caught her attention. Still, holding on to Beth, she walked over to the foyer table and picked it up. Rachel left her a note.

_Dear Shelby, _

_I knew you were coming home today and I'm sorry I'm not there. I wanted to be, however, some free studio time opened up and I couldn't pass up the chance. There's only another week and I needed the practice. I made dinner for you and Beth figuring you'd be hungry after your travels. Don't worry about saving me any because I've already eaten. Enjoy and I'll see you when I return._

_Rachel_

At the end of the note, sitting next to her name was the gold star sticker. It got Shelby wondering. Did Rachel still have that cup she gave her? Did she still use it? Then she realized that those were questions for a later time. Looking at the time, she saw that it was late for the toddler but they both still needed to eat, so she took Beth into the kitchen and looked to see what Rachel had prepared.

In between feeding Beth and shoving a few bites into her own mouth, Shelby decided to call Rachel. She wasn't exactly happy that Rachel left without telling her, but she knew where her daughter was and knew that she was safe, so that was something. Knowing that, she decided to give Rachel some time before calling. But that time was up and it was time to make the call. It rang and rang until it finally went to voicemail.

"Rachel what did I tell you about answering your phone?" Trying it again was futile. There was still no answer. "What are we going to do with her Beth?"

Finishing up with dinner and then dishes, Shelby took Beth to get cleaned up and ready for bed. It was getting late and Rachel still wasn't home. And she didn't want her to walk in the dark, but she didn't want to wake the now sleeping baby either. Sometimes being a single parent was the toughest job there was. She had to make a choice. Knowing that Beth was a heavy sleeper and probably wouldn't wake up, she decided to go pick up Rachel from the studio. It was the better option because even if she did wake, it would be easier to cajole her back into a peaceful slumber than it would be to comfort Rachel if, god forbid, she fell prey to the creatures of the night. She couldn't risk that possibility. Wrapping Beth in ample warmth, Shelby strapped her into the car seat once again and headed the few miles to the dance studio.

Inside, Rachel was pushing herself as hard as she could. The tights were making her cuts itchy every time she moved, but she couldn't scratch or they'd bleed and turn her pristine whites to a tainted red. People would see and she just couldn't handle that. She was still dealing with the suspicions from her other problems, and there was no need to add to that. Starting the music over, she went through the routine again. She just couldn't seem to get it right and she was about two seconds away from killing her own reflection. She couldn't do anything right. Everything looked sloppy and off beat. Whenever she looked in the mirror she felt like crying. Nothing was going her way and all she wanted was to get it perfect. Just once; she just wanted one flawless run through. But she couldn't even get that. Frustrated, and on the verge of ripping out her own hair, she quickly restarted the music before she could think anymore and then began again.

It was at that point that Shelby walked in to the room carrying Beth, who hadn't woken up, in her arms. Rachel hadn't noticed their presence and Shelby took that as her opportunity to just watch her daughter in action. She looked beautiful, even with the determined scowl on her face. Her movements were so graceful and clean. Perfect… her daughter was perfect. And she took her breath away. The fluidity in her movements and the cleanness to her steps were enthralling, truly captivating. Her motherly pride was welling in her chest.

She watched through the entire song, and it wasn't until it came to an end that she saw what has probably been blatantly staring her in the face for some time. As beautiful as she was, Rachel was tiny, almost unhealthily so. Then she thought back to the hospital visit back when Rachel got that concussion. The doctor told her to get her checked out by her normal physician and to make sure she was eating right. Shelby made good on the second request. She made sure Rachel had a balance breakfast and dinner and she gave her money for lunch at school. The girl ate snacks like it was a hobby. So she didn't understand how she was still so fragile looking, really thin as a rail. And she tried to get Rachel to the doctor, but there was always some excuse. One time it was scheduling conflicts, the next it was her need for perfect attendance, which, the more she thought about it, didn't make sense because that was already ruined, and then there were just a boatload of other reasons. One excuse after the next was dulled out, and she bought into it. But she wasn't going to anymore. She was getting smaller and smaller and Shelby couldn't ignore it anymore. The girl ate enough to be at a stable weight, but she wasn't getting any bigger. There could be something seriously wrong and she couldn't let it go anymore. She'd be making the appointment and Rachel would be going. No more excuses would be tolerated.

"Brava!" Shelby quietly clapped as the dance was winding down. Rachel nearly jumped out of her own skin as she fell to the ground. People tended to startle her more easily as she had more to hide. "Are you ok?" She rushed over to Rachel's side.

"I'm fine." She hissed. And she was fine, except for the newly reopened cuts from direct contact while sliding on the floor. She quickly put her hand over it to apply pressure and keep Shelby from seeing. "What are you doing here?" The anger was still in her voice. Shelby wasn't supposed to see her at her worst. She sucked and didn't want her own mother to see her fail anymore than she already did.

"I got your note. You were supposed to call me if you went out. Those were the rules."

"So you came here to what? To reprimand me? To give me my rebuke?"

"No Rachel." She didn't understand the attitude. What did she do? "I came because it's dark and I didn't want you walking out there alone so late at night. I didn't want anything to happen to you. And is it so bad that I wanted to see you dance? You're amazing."

"No I'm not. One small noise and I come tumbling down."

"And you're bleeding."

"Yeah, well that happens when you slide across the hard ground wearing nothing but tights to cover your legs."

Shelby struggled to bend down while holding Beth. "Let me help you."

"No, I'm fine. Thanks for coming to pick me up. Just wait in the car and I'll be there after I clean up." Not wanting to give Shelby a chance to even formulate a response, Rachel quickly grabbed her bag and walked through the changing room door, her free arm still pressed against her leg. She didn't need that. It was only adding to her stress, and she was already on the verge of a panic attack.

She took ten minutes to compose herself and make herself more normal. Her leg was re-bandaged, but her brand new tights were completely ruined. Good thing she bought quite a few. Maybe the blood would bleach out. Once her pants were back on and her jacket too, she rushed out of the studio to find Shelby's waiting vehicle. It was a nice gesture, Shelby coming to see her and pick her up, but it bothered her. She didn't know why, but it did. It was like she couldn't understand the sudden interest. And as she walked to the car, that was all she could think about. Why was Shelby really there? There had to be an ulterior motive.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yes."

There was some silent time, filled only with the sounds of Beth's deep breaths as she slept like only a baby could, until Shelby spoke up. "You were amazing in there. You're definitely ready for the auditions on Saturday."

"No, I'm not, but thank you for saying that."

"You were beautiful and flawless. If you don't get one of the leads, then that's their loss." That wasn't exactly what she wanted to say. She wanted to voice her concerns and tell her that she was scheduling her for a physical, but she didn't think Rachel would respond well and wanted their first night back to be met with peace instead of raised voices.

The rest of the car ride was met with quiet. And when they got home, they went their separate ways. Rachel went up to her room to shower and change. She craved the comfort of her own bed after feeling the consistency of her nightly ritual. But she had a feeling she was in for some welcome home conversation with Shelby. And if she wanted to appear normal, she'd have to act it. So she'd have to go down and talk to Shelby, maybe tell her she was glad they were back. Meanwhile, Shelby immediately put Beth to bed, making sure she was tucked in nice and warm. Once that was done, she too showered and changed. She wore the new pajamas Rachel got her for the holidays. Rachel told her she didn't want to celebrate but that didn't mean she couldn't give her a gift. She gave Rachel something too. It was a simple gift, just some blank sheet music and a new journal nearly identical to the one she was always writing in. Like Rachel told her, she didn't want to make it a big spectacle, but she wanted her to have something to open. She didn't know Rachel did it for appearance sake. Deep down, Rachel really did care. It wasn't all an act, but she had to convince herself it was. It hurt too much to care.

"So how was your time with your family?" Rachel asked as she made her way to sit on the opposite end of the couch Shelby was currently occupying.

"They're your family too."

"Yeah, I know. How was it?"

"It was good. They were happy to see us. But they wanted to meet you and were a little disappointed you didn't come." Rachel ignored that part. She didn't care that they wanted to meet her because she'd just disappoint them too. She couldn't be a failure in anyone else's eyes.

"What did you do?"

"Well, we had a big dinner with a bunch of the rest of our family. They all asked about you too. And the rest of the time was just catching up." As Shelby continued to speak and talk about everything they did and all her family had to say, Rachel, who was barely listening, almost instinctively kept rubbing at her leg, digging her nails into the cuts. She didn't even realize what she was doing until Shelby pointed it out. "Is your leg bothering you?"

"What?" She was paying attention after that. That's when she saw where her hand was. "Oh, no. It's fine."

"Did you clean it?"

"Of course I did." She was being defensive. It was self preservation; a true gut reaction.

"Was it deep?"

"It's fine." Shelby was inching closer and Rachel felt like her space was being invaded.

"Let me see it please."

"No!" She was uncomfortable. Shelby was getting too close to her secrets and she didn't like it one bit. "I mean, I took care of it. I cleaned it. It's not deep and I'm fine."

"Ok… for now." Shelby put her hands up in mock surrender. "Just promise me that you'll come to me if you think it's getting infected or if it's bothering you at all."

"Fine, if that will get you to back off, then I promise." That wasn't the answer she was hoping for. It was obvious she was being placated like a fussy infant, but she had no choice but to take it as it came and move on. What other choice was there?

"I don't want you to do things just to get me to back off. I want you to want to talk to me. And you can. I'm here for you, whatever you need or whatever you're going through. I'm here."

"That's great." Shelby couldn't tell that it was completely laced with sarcasm and disbelief.

"Enough of this. Tell me what you did while we were away. What trouble did you get in?" She was joking of course, but Rachel took it as more of a blow to her already fragile ego.

"I didn't do anything really. I worked on my projects and practiced my dance. That about sums it up."

"Come on, you didn't do anything fun? I won't tell." She was trying to be the fun loving mother but that wasn't working out for her either.

"That's all I did. I stuck to routine." Routine was important to Rachel. Shelby got that, but a part of her was hoping she'd get out of the house and have a little fun. With the exception of dance, school, and the occasional shopping trip, she didn't do much. She just wanted Rachel to feel like the normal teenager she was instead of the pitied semi-orphaned girl she felt like.

"When was the last time you and Kurt hung out together? Why don't you have him over? Or what about anyone else from glee club?" Rachel looked at her funny. How does someone tell their mother, whether estranged or otherwise, that they were a giant loser that was practically hated by their supposed friends? "What about you and Finn? Do you still have feelings for him?"

"Ok, we're not talking about this." She stood from the couch. "I have plans with Kurt later this week."

"What plans?"

"I was going to ask you tomorrow, but now, seeing as you want me to get out a little, I'm assuming it's ok."

"What plans?"

"Saturday night after the dance auditions, Kurt and I were going to join some of the other members for a small gathering and then I was going to spend the night there."

"A party?"

"A gathering, a small get-together."

"Where is it?" Teenagers and parties never ended well. Even Shelby understood that.

"It's going to be at Finn's house. They're moving in with the Hummel's soon, although they practically live their now just haven't moved all their stuff in yet, and wanted to have a last farewell to his childhood home."

"Will there be adults at this party?" She thought about that. There'll probably be a few eighteen year olds. They counted as adults right?

"It's not a party, but I do suppose there will be."

"Then I suppose you can go."

"Thank you. Goodnight."

"Night Rachel." Shelby sank into the couch and pigged out on her favorite ice cream as Rachel sat in her room breaking in her new journal. She dubbed it her song journal. Her other one held some of her greatest creations, but this one would be strictly for public consumption. If anyone found it, she might be a little embarrassed, but she probably wouldn't be shipped off to the Looney bin.

The next day, Shelby informed Rachel about her upcoming doctor's appointment. She put up just enough of a fight to make it believable without giving away her plans to get out of it. Come the day of, she followed through with her well thought out scheme. Shelby wasn't aware of the confirmation call that usually came the day before the appointment, and that worked to her advantage. So when Shelby wanted Rachel to go with her and Beth to the mall, she opted to stay and wait patiently by the phone. When the call came, as expected, Rachel picked up and pretended to be Shelby.

"I'm so sorry. I was going to call sooner, but it must've slipped my mind. I'm going to have to cancel the appointment." The receptionist wasn't thrilled, but she dealt with it, and when she asked whether she wanted to reschedule, Rachel responded, "Not at this time." And then it was the day.

None the wiser, Shelby agreed to let Rachel go to the appointment on her own. She wanted to show Rachel that she trusted her in hopes of strengthening their bond. The trust was misplaced. Rachel left that day yes, and she headed toward the doctor's office, but she didn't turn into that lot. She continued down the street to the park to get in her second run of the day. A little extra exercise never killed anyone.

When she returned, Shelby was waiting for her. She knew what she was in for and expectations were surpassed. Shelby's questioning stated almost as soon as she saw Rachel's face. "How'd it go?"

"Fine."

"Fine? What did he say?" Shelby called him in advance to discuss her concerns. She told him about her continued weight loss even with the amount of food she consumed and he told her it was probably a good idea to get her in as soon as possible. It was a precautionary measure, but he thought it best to play it safe.

"Dr. Cantor said that everything's in working order." She didn't know when she became such a liar, but she realized then that that's all she does. If she didn't like the truth she bent it. If she didn't want the truth out there, she changed it. When did that happen? When did it become so easy that it just rolled right off of her tongue? "I'm more than healthy for a girl my age."

"If I called him and asked him is that what he'd say?"

"Is that what you're going to do?" Worry didn't begin to cover what she was feeling in that moment.

"Maybe." She was hoping for a no. If she called it'd be disastrous.

"Well, that's what he'll tell you, but I'm officially done telling you things when you obviously don't trust me. How can and why should I trust you if it's not a reciprocated feeling?"

"Rachel, don't be like that." It was her duty as a parent to call and validate, but it was also her job to get Rachel to a point where she could open up and trust wouldn't be a factor. If she called, they'd never get there. So until she had a valid reason not to trust her, she'd have to believe what she was told.

The following few days were rather relaxed. Rachel was on her best behavior just sticking to her rituals and hoping she conned Shelby enough to not call the doctor. She hadn't been yelled at, grounded, or dragged to the doctor's, so she figured she did her job and Shelby didn't call. She was feeling bad for avoiding her friends. She sent them texts telling them she was busy and would see them at the party, but the guilt was still there. There was a lot she felt bad about and most of it there was no reason for. A few more cuts were added to her body in that time. Only, none of them were on her leg. She could get away with those. They were healing and Shelby saw her fall, so they had a magical explanation, a happy accident to solve one problem. But she couldn't add more to her leg. She could barely walk after all the dancing and running she did on it, and she needed her legs to be in tip top shape for the try outs. So she moved on to her hips and arms. It was winter. Long sleeves wouldn't be suspicious. It seemed like the best thing to do, and the only way to not get caught.

Saturday came and Rachel was anxious. She was nervous and scared. She felt unprepared and unworthy. And when her name, among others, was called to be judged, those feelings didn't go away. If anything, they only got worse. No matter how good she did, she just couldn't see it. Her eyes betrayed her. She saw flaws were there were none. She saw ugliness where there was beauty. She saw fat where there was merely skin and bone. But, most of all, she felt pressured. No one was pressuring her but herself, but she pressured herself to be good enough for others. At the end of it, she felt devastated. She'd never live up to the ideals and she'd never get the part. Who would want to watch her prance around stage like a whale in a leotard, especially one who couldn't even manage a simple routine? She knew that routine, so why couldn't she nail it?

It was a horrible day, but she deserved it. She deserved all of it. The pain was just there to remind her of that. Each cut that she added to the collection was there to remind her of that. She was worthless. She was a failure. She was nothing. And she deserved it all. The name calling, the bullying, the things she felt… All of it, she deserved all of it. She had no hopes of getting the part or making it anywhere in life. She was a failure. That was all she could see.

She had her pick of ways to blow off some steam. She already bled more than she should have. She already worked out until she passed out. She already binged and purged. The only thing left was to go to that party and just be… Or maybe she'd fail at that too.

**Surprisingly, I don't have anything to say this time. Although, I will ask a question. I have a few ideas of how I want Shelby to find out about Rachel, and it won't happen right away, but I want to hear what you want. How should Shelby find out?**

**Sorry for any and all grammatical or spelling errors.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It wasn't my favorite, but hey, whatever. It's out there. Well, until next time…**

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	21. Glee Parties Never End Well

Chapter 21: Glee Parties Never End Well

It was almost party time! Rachel wasn't excited though. She'd fake it 'til she made it, but her day wasn't getting any better and there was nothing that would change that. So there she was in her room dwelling on her terrible day as she looked for a decent outfit. Anything that showed off too much leg was off limits. Although she could give the false explanation about the ballet accident that caused the cuts, it was more explaining than she wanted to do. Jeans, she decided on jeans; dark wash regular jeans that hung loosely around her waist. The jeans were meant to be fitted, and at one point they probably were, but as it stood, she could probably fit Beth in them with her. A belt was a necessity. Next up was her choice of tops. It had to be long sleeved, and it had to cover her waist. She had no explanation for the cuts there. She decided to go with a thick dark grey argyle sweater. Her mind seemed to instinctually pick something that would make her look meatier even though she was dying to be thinner.

Her hair was down and wavy and her makeup was a little dark, but she looked as good as she was going to get. Which if you asked her wasn't all that great. She thought she was hideous, but that wasn't a new thought. And it seemed to fit well with the theme of the day. Looking at her watch she saw that she still had about an hour before Kurt arrived. As much as she wanted to get away from Shelby and blow off some steam, she wasn't looking forward to any of it. Glee club get togethers never ended well.

In her spare time, she pulled out her journal. Her day was torturous, and she had to get through the rest of it without any of her normal tricks. Journaling was the only thing she could think of that might've helped. It did, a little. At the very least it made the time go by faster, because before she knew it, Shelby was knocking on her door.

"Come in." She told her, not looking up from the paper in front of her.

"Kurt should be here soon. Right?"

"Uh…" She had to check. Obviously her plan worked and she lost track of time. "Yeah, he should be here any minute now."

"You look very nice."

"Right, thanks."

"Why do you always do that?" All she could think of upon hearing Shelby say that was that there was just another thing to add to the list of sucky things the day brought.

"Do what?" Her defenses were up again. She didn't know what it was about the day that made her an easy target, but she was obviously dubbed the can that trash be thrown in, or at. Shelby was just adding to the pile. "What is it that I always do?"

"You used to take compliments like you needed them to live, but now, anytime someone says something nice about you, you dismiss it then get defensive when they question you about it."

"I don't do that. Maybe I simply don't like false compliments from you. And how would you know anything about how I used to be?" There was that defensive streak Shelby was talking about.

"Ok Rachel. You're right. I don't know what you were like before. I apologize. Let's just forget I asked."

"Fine." Rachel responded as she went back to her writing. She pretended Shelby wasn't standing in the middle of her room staring.

"What are you writing?" She was always curious to know what actually went into those journals. She got even more curious after she secretly watched Rachel open that purple lock box she kept hidden under the bed. There must've been a dozen or so journals in there. One day, she was going to find out for herself. Hopefully, Rachel would willingly share, but if she became anymore distant and cold, Shelby wasn't above snooping. She'd just tell herself it was for the greater good. A mother needs to know what's going on in her daughter's head.

"It's nothing." Rachel quickly closed it up and gripped it tightly. What she was writing was no business of Shelby's. "I need to finish getting ready." It was an excuse, but she would've said almost anything to get her out of the room.

"You know Rachel…" She moved closer to her daughter laying a hand on the girl's shoulder. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but I'm here if you want to talk to me. I want to hear what you have to say. I understand that you like to write in your diary, but I'd love it if you would talk to me and tell me some of the stuff you only confide to a blank piece of paper. I'm here for you."

"I know." Pretending to be ok with what came out of Shelby's mouth was harder than she anticipated. Her feelings towards Shelby seemed to teeter like a seesaw during a high wind storm. One minute she accepts what her mother offers and even starts to enjoy her company. And then the next minute, she's revolted by whatever words come out of her mouth. "I just have nothing to say at the moment. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue my beauty regimen."

"Ok." She was defeated, but talking to her five minutes before a party didn't seem like a great time to push her. Then again, it never seemed to be a good time. And every time she tried, she just put it off after the slightest bit of reluctance on Rachel's part. For such a strong willed woman, Shelby was like putty when it came to Rachel. She really needed to learn to stop and just stick to her guns. She was known for her attitude and she needed to embrace that. "Finish, and then come see me before you leave. Oh, and lighten up on the eyeliner. It's too dark and it's not really your style." What the hell did that mean? Rachel felt insulted. Did her mother just call her ugly? Obviously, that wasn't what Shelby said. She was disapproving of the rather excessive amount of black surrounding Rachel's eyes, more than she had ever seen on her face before, and simply suggested she wipe some of it off. Tone it down a little. But Rachel didn't see it that way. She rarely saw things just how they were. Everything to her was perceived as some sort of insult or negative commentary on her life.

Letting out a disgruntled groan, Rachel quickly redid her makeup. Even though she didn't want to, she still felt this insatiable need to please others; within reason of course. But her sense of reason was also skewed. It didn't matter. She was fixed and looking as good as she was going to get. She was just waiting for Kurt. Like he was feeling her impatience, her phone dinged with the sounds of an incoming text. _We're outside diva. _We? Who's we? She put those questions out of her mind for a moment and replied. _Be out in just a minute._

After throwing her journal into her bag away from prying eyes, Rachel made her way down the hallway to Shelby's room. Her door was almost always open. For a few brief seconds, she just watched the scene play out. Shelby and Beth were sitting on the bed playing with one of those interactive books, the kind her fathers used to use with her once upon a time before they got too busy to bother with her. "Kurt's here. I'm leaving." She said interrupting the moment. The plan was to say it and hightail her butt out of there, but Shelby didn't have the same idea.

"Do we need to go over the rules?"

"Didn't we already do this? There's no drinking. I have to call once the gathering is over and we go back to Kurt's. Is there anything I'm forgetting?"

"I'm fairly certain that gathering is still code for partying, so I'm not stupid enough to believe it'll be alcohol free. All I'm asking is that you refrain from drinking and if your friends drink don't get into a car with them. Take their keys and call me. I won't ask any questions. I just want you to be safe."

"Whatever. Can I go now?"

Releasing a sigh Shelby responded, "You may go. Remember to call."

"I will." Her voice sounded faint as she made her way further down the hall. Clutching her purse and overnight bag, Rachel made her way outside. She was a little confused at first. Kurt's car wasn't anywhere in sight, but then she saw the car he was in. It was going to make for a different kind of car ride.

She hesitantly climbed into the backseat of the truck and waited for someone to say something. She didn't want to break the ice, especially since she was still a little angry a Finn. They haven't really talked since their break up months ago. But then he freaked out after that rumor about her was going around school, and she wasn't sure she'd forgiven him for that. "Hey diva. How'd your dance thing go?"

"Hello Kurt. Don't ask."

"That bad?"

"That bad."

"Hi Rachel."

"Hi Finn, how are you?"

"I'm good, you?"

"Fine thank you." By that point, Finn took off and was driving toward his old home and Rachel scooted up in the seat to whisper in Kurt's ear. "I thought you were picking me up."

"I did pick you up."

"No, Finn did." She clarified.

"I know, sorry. My dad's car needed a new something installed and I couldn't drive it. So it was Finn or walking." At least with walking, she wouldn't have to deal with Finn and the awkward tension. Plus more calories would've been burned.

"I guess it's fine. It doesn't really matter now. Does it?"

"Guess not."

Things were even more awkward when they stopped to pick up Quinn. Rachel definitely didn't sign up for that. And the more than awkward silence that filled the cab didn't make the situation any better. They didn't even exchange hellos. Quinn just gave her a once over accompanied by her evil glare and then chatted up a storm with Finn. Rachel just sunk back into her seat and prayed that they'd get to the house sooner rather than later. She wasn't surprised Kurt didn't say much either.

She was ecstatic when they pulled in the driveway of the Hudson house that was soon to be on the market. The lights were on and Puck's car was already parked there. He was inside with a few of the other glee kids getting all the alcohol ready. Glee parties never ended well. She should've realized that before she bothered saying she'd show up.

When they went in there were already people there that they weren't really friends with. Well Rachel wasn't. She still felt like she really didn't have any friends. There was Kurt and Puck, but they were both tumultuous relationships on the best of days. She obviously wasn't seeing things clearly. As soon as she stepped foot in the kitchen, she was bombarded with offers for drinks, all of which she turned down. She told herself she wouldn't drink. And she stuck to that… for the most part.

For most of the night, she was nothing more than a wallflower observing the scene. Mercedes and Shane were doing their thing, dancing and making out in the corner. She was surprised they didn't sneak into one of the bedrooms to make the most of the situation. But then she wasn't. Mercedes wasn't really the type. Her actions weren't very Rachel like that evening. She should've been hitting up the karaoke machine or dancing in the middle of the crowded room like Quinn or Santana, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. There wasn't even an ounce of motivation in her bones to make her leave her nesting perch.

She could observe everything and everyone from there. It wasn't just Mercedes and Shane she saw, but all of them. Finn was being his naturally awkward self; it was cute in a weird way. He stood, a beer in hand, with some of the football players talking about the basketball season or something sports related. She wasn't sure. She couldn't tell the difference between a touchdown and point guard, two totally unrelated things.

Santana and Brittany danced together in between chugging their drinks and playing childish games. At one point, when they took a little breather and came out of the stuffy dance circle for air, Brittany came up to Rachel bearing gifts. She slid up on the wall leaning next to her and held out a hand with a cup.

"What's this?" Rachel asked.

"You looked thirsty. Drink it. You'll have fun like me." If only it were that easy; a simple drink and all other things just seemed to float away and she became a party machine. Maybe the drink could do the former, but the latter was still a far, far reach. And she had other techniques for the first thing.

"Thanks, I guess." She gratefully accepted the gesture. One drink wouldn't hurt. Maybe it'd even get her off the wall she seemed glued to.

"You're welcome. You should dance Rachel. You look like you're thinking too much. Drink and have fun." What a concept. Drink and have fun.

"I'll try Brittany." And just like she appeared out of nowhere, she was gone, and Rachel went back to her people watching.

She spotted Puck. A part of her was yearning to just waste the rest of the night with him. After party sex seemed to be how it all started. One more time couldn't hurt. But there he was surrounded by a flock of much prettier girls than her and she found herself jealous. No, she wasn't jealous. That wasn't allowed. There were no emotions between them. There was nothing but a collection of one night stands that gave them both the release they needed when they needed it. That was all. Yet, she still felt something that she didn't want to feel. She felt too much as it was, and feeling only led to trouble and hurt, so she pushed it down the same pipe it tried to come out of. Puck would stay Puck, so she'd stay Rachel and neglect whatever portion of whatever room he happened to be frequenting whenever possible.

Quinn… She could never understand Quinn. She'd been watching her since they arrived earlier that evening and still understood nothing. Rachel may have let the paternity secret out of the bag, but she didn't really do anything to Quinn. So why did Quinn insist on treating her like a second class citizen? Who was she to judge? Rachel was watching her. She saw what was going on. The moment Puck showed even the most remote attention in Rachel, Quinn was all over him. And then once Puck lost his train of thought and moved on to something else, she'd move back to Finn. She wanted everyone for herself and that just wasn't right. Getting frustrated, Rachel had to move on to someone else. Thinking about Quinn just made her head hurt worse.

So she found Kurt. She was genuinely happy for him. He met this guy at a coffee shop and after a few more "chance" meetings, decided to invite him to the party. Blaine. That was his name. Blaine. They looked so adorable with each other hanging out and having those discomfited getting to know you moments. They were a good fit. Rachel could really see them together, so she put in the effort to support them. Plus, Kurt having a boyfriend meant he'd have less time for her. And while she loved Kurt and loved hanging out with him, she just wasn't in the mood to be a social butterfly as of late. But she'd play the part when she had to. Swallowing the entire cup of beer, Rachel ventured from her corner when she saw Kurt alone in one of the back rooms.

"So I thought this was supposed to be a glee thing; just us and your boyfriend." She caught him off guard and even managed a little jump as he turned to face her.

"He's not my boyfriend."

"He will be. I can feel it."

"Oh yeah? What do you feel?"

"You guys are just too cute not to be together."

"I have to agree with you on that one. But what's up with you? You're not having any fun. You barely moved from that one spot all night. It's getting a little pathetic."

"Thanks a lot Kurt. I always wanted to be thought of as pathetic." Her anger was getting the better of her. She knew the day would only get worse. And she knew she had no one to blame but herself. She brought everything down on herself. "I'm sorry that I'm not in the best mood. I blew my audition and being forced into a car with Finn and Quinn at the same time didn't make my day any better. So excuse me for not wanting to dance and party hard when I'm sore and upset." She stormed out after that.

"Rachel wait!" She could hear his distant calls as she marched through the glass doors and into the backyard. Maybe the icy air would make her feel better. It both did and didn't. As the crisp chill spread across her body, she couldn't help but shiver, and as it ripped across her cut ridden arm, which she purposefully rolled up the sleeve on, it burned. The cold felt like it was reopening the wounds making them raw and fresh; a feeling she enjoyed. It didn't give her the same satisfaction as cutting did, but it definitely helped ease the hurt she was dealing with. But it only went so far.

A noise startled her from her internal reverie and she quickly looked around. She thought it might've been Kurt coming to make things right, but he wouldn't do that. They were both divas and knew when one of them was mad they needed a little bit of space before the groveling. So she looked around again after knowing it wasn't him. There was nothing but the sounds of a raging party blasting through the doors behind her. Even so, she slid down the sleeve. No one needed to see that, especially not when they were drunk and likely to gossip.

Through the window, she could see Puck go into the room she just rushed out of. It was the first time all night he escaped the flock that followed him. Ignoring her earlier intonations, she was about to go in there and talk to him, but Quinn beat her to the punch. Before she could even make it to the door, Quinn was in there chugging down her drink and searching for another. Hadn't she learned that she does stupid things when drunk? The last time she was as drunk as she obviously was there, Beth was created. Wasn't once enough? And she was all over Puck too. Touching him, leaning in, googly eyes… Didn't she want Finn that week? Obviously Rachel was making more of the situation than she should have. But she was still angry with Quinn for everything. There was everything with Finn, the rumors, and everything else. There was always something with her.

Luckily, Rachel didn't have to think about it or witness the monstrosity any longer because a pair of hands snapped her out of it. It freaked her out actually. She didn't know anyone else was out there. So when she nervously turned to face her possible attacker, she was more than relieved to see it was Finn. She didn't think she'd ever think that thought again.

"Way to scare a girl Finn."

"Sorry."

"What are you doing out here? Isn't this your party?"

"I don't know why we broke up Rach. Why did we break up?" He was drunk. His pores were practically oozing booze. And she wasn't anywhere near drunk enough to have that conversation.

"Finn, you're drunk."

"And you're not?" It wasn't a statement. He just assumed she was. So much for having fun.

"No Finn, I'm not."

"Well you should be." He grabbed her hand and started dragging her in. "Come on. Let's get you drunk." Yup, she was not having fun.

When they got into the kitchen, Puck and Quinn were gone to who knows where doing who knows what. She didn't think it was anything G rated. It was probably tipping on R. Rachel didn't want to be with there with Finn, and she didn't want think of Puck's extracurricular activities. She didn't know what she wanted. Yes she did. She wanted the last several months to be rewound and to have a do over. She'd definitely change a few things. But that wasn't an option, so wanting to be there or not, she allowed Finn to grab a bottle of the hard stuff and pull her into his room with him. At least he brought the good stuff. She'd need that to dull the ache and get through whatever mess of a topic he decided to discuss. She was going to take it slow though. She wouldn't get drunk; sipping not swigging.

But even that wasn't enough to drown out Finn's rambling thoughts of Quinn and her and their relationships. She didn't want to hear it, and it was worse because it didn't sound like Finn at all. How much did he drink exactly? She was afraid to find out. "Ok Finn. I think you had enough." She took the bottle from him and tried to keep it away, but he just moved closer to her.

"Why does Quinn always go back to him?" So that was what it was about? It was about Quinn. Everything always had to do with the all mighty Quinn.

"Go back to whom?"

"She was all over him. They're probably back at her house now. It wouldn't be the first time. We just started dating again."

"You're dating Quinn again?"

"Yeah, and she was with Puck most of the night. We were dancing and then she was with him. That's not right."

"No it's not right. But I don't want to talk about Quinn. You should talk to her about it."

"You're not like her you know?"

"I know." He kept getting closer only he wasn't looking for the alcohol anymore. He was all over her. His arm was touching her and his breath was hot against her ear as he leaned in.

"You never did that to me."

"No, but you did that to me. You were always all over her."

"Why are we talking about this?"

"Because you…" She didn't get a chance to finish before his mouth was all over hers. And, to her shock, she responded to his kiss. It was familiar and different from Puck's, but he was drunk and she could taste it She should've pushed him away, but the kiss brought her back to a time where, as shaky as their relationship was, her world was safe and normal. She didn't have that benefit in the present.

But before she knew it, things were progressing. He was going from drunken kisses to feeling her up and she wasn't really ok with that. Or was she? If she could have meaningless sex with Puck, why couldn't she do it with Finn? She let it continue for a little longer. She didn't want to lose that comfortable safety of the past just yet. So she let him guide her further down into the bed until he was on top of her kissing her. "What are you doing Finn?"

"Kissing you. Don't you like it?"

"It's great Finn, but you're drunk and I don't want to do this." She attempted to push him off. The smell of the alcohol on his breath was really starting to get to her.

"So you could give it up to some random guy but you won't be with me. I thought you loved me." Didn't they have that conversation before?

"I'll have you know that I was never with some random guy Finn."

"That's not what Quinn said."

"Well we all know Quinn always tells the truth. Let's ask Beth who her dad was supposed to be."

"That's not right Rachel." He was angry. She didn't want to have this fight. The party was over. It was like two in the morning and everyone from glee was scattered about the house in sleeping bags or in one of the beds. She wasn't going to have that fight with everyone in hearing distance. Fortunately, he was on the brink of passing out, so if she could pacify him long enough, she could leave without anyone being the wiser.

"You're right Finn, I'm sorry." She patted the spot on his bed that he jumped up from. "Why don't we just lie down and rest. You look tired." If she was lucky he'd forget everything that happened that night.

"Ok." There was no fight at all. He didn't even try to fight her on that suggestion. He just got in bed and snuggled with and unresponsive Rachel. She didn't want him. She didn't want to be there. So when he fell asleep, she tried to get up, but his hand just wrapped around her tighter and pulled her into a weird position.

Somewhere along the line, she fell asleep too, but not for long. Around 4:30, she woke up feeling a muscle cramp in her leg and she jumped out of bed. She was happy she didn't wake up Finn in the process. She wouldn't have been able to deal with that or any more of his Quinn talk. Even the kissing would've been too much. Her body ached as she grabbed her bag from the floor. Every muscle in her body was in pain. It was a culmination of the sleeping arrangements, the dancing, and the daily aches she just tended to have, but she was in pain no matter what the cause.

Pushing through the strains of her body, Rachel quietly tiptoed through the house and out the door. She didn't want to be there anymore. Unfortunately, she ran into Puck as she was just about to head out. Well, she didn't so much run into him as saw him cozying up with Quinn on the couch. They seemed so intimate and perfect. She'd give almost anything to have that. But she'd never get that. No one cared about her enough to stay the night or cuddle with her when she needed comforting. No one really cared... Period. She had to accept that.

With one last glance at the duo, Rachel took her leave and headed home. Whether they were fighting or not, she knew Kurt would worry and wonder if she stayed or not, especially since it was supposed to be a big glee slumber party thing, so she sent him a text just to let him know she was going home and not to worry. She'd be mad later. Or she wouldn't. He called her pathetic, he didn't kill her cat. Even she could see how she might have been overreacting. She wasn't the best party guest. So she'd apologize later, but she'd wallow on her walk.

By the time she got back to the house, she'd be over everything. That's what she told herself. But the cold air and the continuous pain wasn't doing anything to clear her mind. That wasn't normal. She'd been sore before from the nonstop exercising and dance and whatever else she did, but it felt weird. It was like her bones were aching. But she'd push it away and ignore it. The pain would go away. It always did. So in the light of the early morning, Rachel approached her front door. Shelby shouldn't have been awake, but on the off chance she was, Rachel didn't want to risk getting caught. She was standing on the steps debating her options. Front door or window?

She couldn't fathom climbing up the tree in the shoes she had on, and since she was already freezing, the door made more sense. As quietly as she could, she slipped the key into the door and made her stealthy return to her room. Finally she was warm and away from all things drama related, except in her head. All the stress she was feeling and pushed away was back and nearly doubled. She just wanted to sleep, forget everything that happened, and sleep. But as she was taking out her cell phone to set that alarm, she noticed a text.

_You're a bitch Berry. Whatever we are we're done. _What the hell? What did she do to Noah? Great, the day ended and it still seemed to be getting worse. Sunday was supposed to be her normal day. Nothing was supposed to go wrong, but Saturday was bleeding all over Sunday. She was trying. She really was. And all she wanted to do was sleep. It was a long walk. She was frustrated before that. Everything in her body hurt. All she wanted to do was sleep. But then she was too worked up replaying everything that could've gone wrong with Puck. And for the life of her she couldn't figure it out. All she knew was that she needed to cool off. There was only one thing she could think to do.

So after finishing her pacing and throwing her phone so hard onto the bed she thought it would break, she marched down to the kitchen. She didn't have to worry about being too quiet. If Shelby was asleep, she usually stayed asleep. She was a very deep sleeper unless Beth was crying. Then the tiniest whimper woke her up. Of course, Rachel would be conscious of her surroundings because she wasn't alone, but she wouldn't be hyper vigilant.

She rummaged through the vegan portions of the pantry picking out all her favorites. She was frustrated and eagerly devouring the food helped relieve some of that tension. There were a few quiet grunts of anguish thrown in between bites along with quiet rumblings of self-deprecating phrases to herself. There was "stupid," "idiot," and a few "worthless"s thrown in as well. She was just so angry and it wasn't just about the last few days. It was about everything. Her life was a mess. She was angry at her fathers for dying. She was angry at Shelby for being her mother and not being her mom. But most of all, she was angry at herself. She was angry that she couldn't do anything right, that she probably ruined any chances of starring in the recital, that she wasn't good at anything, and that she wasn't worthy of her parents' love; none of their love, not even Shelby's. Going through all of that in her head, she barely even realized how much she'd eaten in such a short span of time. Her jaw was hurting from the rampant chomping. And quickly throwing away the evidence, Rachel made her way to the downstairs bathroom.

And just like that, everything went away. Maybe not everything was gone, and it would all come back, but for the brief moments, she was liberated. She felt nothing. She felt free. And those were the feelings she so desperately needed to feel. The air felt less toxic as she took a calming deep breath. Everything was lighter. Inhaling one last time in the euphoria she felt, Rachel quickly flushed the toilet and went to rinse out her mouth. Her toothbrush was upstairs, so Listerine would have to be a temporary substitute.

"Rachel?" The bleary voice pulled her from the high. How much did she hear? What did she know? Quickly, she spit the blue liquid into the sink and turned to face Shelby.

"Shelby… What are you doing up?" Her attempt to play it cool wouldn't last long. Already, her heart was racing for a multitude of reasons and she was pretty sure her headache had reached astronomical proportions and would only get worse the louder Shelby spoke. And if Shelby wasn't happy, her voice could deafen anyone. She could also sense that she wasn't going to get out of that bathroom alive.

"Better question is what are you doing here?"

"Oh… I, uh, I got into a fight with Kurt and left early." Good Rachel, feed her more of that. Maybe she could play with Shelby's pity.

"So you came home at 5:30 in the morning?"

"It was more like…" She decided against finishing that statement. "Yeah, I just got home."

"Ok, we'll get to that obvious lie later. Did I just hear you throwing up?"

"What?" Panic was welling. Why did Rachel always do that? Why was she always so stupid? "No. No throwing up here."

"I'm pretty sure there was. I heard it with my own ears."

"Maybe you were dreaming." Rachel knew it wasn't going to end well. Things looked even worse when Shelby began inching closer.

"Have you been drinking?" And she was yelling. Rachel's head couldn't take it. No matter what she said she wasn't going to win the fight, but she needed to try. Being caught drinking would bare less punishment than inducing vomiting for fun. So if she was going down, she was going down for the lesser crime. But if she was going down, it was going to be as soft a landing as possible.

"No I wasn't." Shelby leaned into Rachel. "Are you? Are you sniffing me?"

"You smell like a booze hound."

"Do people still use that term? I think that went out of circulation years ago."

"Answer me! Have you been drinking?"

"No. Could you not yell at me please?" Her grabbing at her throbbing head to shield herself from the stabbing sounds of her voice probably wasn't helping her case.

"Why?" She asked speaking louder. "Is the hangover hitting you hard?"

"No!" Rachel yelled back. "Maybe I have a headache from walking home in the freezing cold and crying because I got into a fight with my best gay."

"And yet, everything points to a hangover. You were throwing up. Your head hurts. Sensitivity to sound. And you smell like a brewery."

"I smell like a brewery because some idiot spilled a drink on me. People were drinking, but I'm not drunk." Wording was everything. She wasn't drunk. Drinking she did, but it wouldn't still be on her breath. Finn's odor, however, was probably all over her.

"I don't know what to believe with you Rachel."

"You should believe me. I'm telling you the truth."

Shelby let out a clearly frustrated sigh. "I don't know what to do here." She bypassed Rachel and reached into the medicine cabinet. "It's too early for this conversation. Take these." Holding out her hand, she placed two pills into Rachel's. "Go to your room and sober up. Don't go for your run and stay in there until I get you for breakfast."

"Whatever." That was the only response she could muster. "I really don't like you."

"Well, right now I really don't like you either. Now go. We'll be talking about this later."

Practically stomping out of the room, Rachel stopped at the top of the stairs and yelled, "I'm not drunk!" And then she ran to her room and slammed the door shut as hard as she could.

All the commotion caused enough of a disturbance to wake Beth who was then emitting cries. "Rachel!" Shelby yelled in anger. That was not how she envisioned her Sunday morning. But she went to soothe Beth and hopefully get her back to bed or she'd be cranky all day. And Shelby couldn't handle two temperamental daughters at once. She just couldn't… Not yet. Luckily Beth wasn't too bad to deal with and she settled down fairly easily when Shelby took her into her room with her. They both went back to bed, but not before Shelby thought f a few ways to deal with Rachel.

Rachel had her own way of dealing with everything. She was going from one high to the next. She wasn't going to do it at first. It was one of the issues, that while she craved it, she still felt guilty about. But she'd get over it and she'd give in. It actually didn't take very long. In all of about ten minutes of trying to soothe herself, she ended up just working herself up even more. After that she didn't hesitate to go into the bathroom and pull out her razor. Reaching in for the Band-Aid, Rachel pulled out the silver object and got ready to use it. Locking the bathroom door to ensure privacy and no interruptions, Rachel pulled off her shirt and dug the razor into her skin. There was no regard for her safety. Every bit of rage she was feeling both toward herself and others, was let out in each foul slash. Some were just reopening the cuts she already made, but the first one was so packed full of emotion that it just tore through her arm just barely missing the vein. The blood pulsated out of her body in a rapid pool. Each stream screamed for her attention. It didn't take long for the shallow cuts to clot, but that one, the big one, wouldn't stop. She didn't want it to. She was enjoying it. She wanted as much of the filth and contamination out as humanly possible. And if watching the glorious cherry fountain flow so freely did that for her, she was going to allow it. When one technique failed, try another. That's what she did, and that's what she'd stick with.

There was no more guilt or anger. No more pain. It was all empty again. The good kind of empty where emotions were void and life seemed so perfect and content. Knowing it wouldn't last long, Rachel savored every moment of it before cleaning up and taking a shower. Watching the blood wash away was a part of the process she enjoyed. She couldn't do that every time, but it still fed the high. And anything that made the feeling last longer or reach new heights was ok in her books.

She was surprised that sleep came so easily after that. The waves of calm seemed to retain their form much longer than she anticipated and as soon as her head hit the pillow, she was out. The peace and quiet of her mind didn't last long, however, as Shelby decided to give her a noisy wake up call. She sipped open Rachel's door, stomped her feet like a child, and pulled Rachel out of bed. The first thing Rachel did in response to the intrusion was pull her arm away. She was in enough trouble, she didn't want Shelby to feel or see the cuts on her exposed arm and fan the flames.

"What is your problem?"

"Right now, you're my problem." She watched as Rachel pulled her arms to her body in a protective stance. She wanted to question it, but it would have to wait. Right then, she was angry and needed to deal with the current issue. "Get up, get dressed, and be at the table in fifteen minutes."

"Do I have a choice?"

"No." The finality of her word left no questioning. She was in for it. Rachel knew that much was obvious. And as much as she wanted to push the limits and tell Shelby exactly where to shove her sanctimonious bull that she'd be fed as soon as she got down there, she knew it'd be easier to just shut up, grin, and bear it.

"I'm here." Rachel announced much to Shelby's displeasure. "Can we get this over with?"

"Sit Rachel." Shelby demanded. Once they were sitting across from each other, both sharing the same glare, Shelby continued. "This behavior is unacceptable Rachel, and I will not tolerate it."

"This is probably the one time you should be sure I didn't do what you're accusing me of doing."

"So you didn't drink?" She didn't see the point of lying. Maybe truth would get her a reprieve.

"I may have had one drink, but I didn't drive and I didn't get drunk. I didn't do anything wrong."

"You don't see where that's wrong?"

"I shouldn't have had any alcohol. Fine you're right. But I was responsible and I'm admitting to it. Shouldn't that count for something?"

"It does count for something, but it doesn't change anything. You're grounded."

"I figured. How long?"

"A month."

"One month? That's insane."

"I've been very lenient and you've taken advantage of it. That ends now. You'll have no phone except for when you're at dance so that you can call me to get you when it's over. I will be driving you to and from school. Homework will be done in the living room or kitchen or wherever I am at the time."

"I have to do my homework in front of you?"

"You're lucky I'm not making you eat lunch with me at school too."

"So I have no freedom at all?"

"No. And I want your IPod and computer. If you need the computer, tell me and I'll let you use it."

"This is ridiculous. I didn't even do anything that bad."

"Ok, let's talk about bad. What time did you decide to walk home last night?"

"It was this morning. I got in just before you decided I was guilty of treason and sent me to bed."

"You're lying."

"Does it matter if I am? You won't believe me anyway."

"I would if you told me the truth."

"No you wouldn't, but I'll tell you anyway. I left early this morning and took my time walking home because I didn't want to deal with Kurt after we had a fight. I couldn't sleep and I thought it'd be safer to come here than to hang out in a park or something."

"Was that so hard?" Shelby asked as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Yes it was because no matter what I say I'm apparently lying."

"I am so disappointed Rachel."

"You're disappointed? You're disappointed! What do you have to be disappointed about? You have everything you've ever wanted. You have your perfect daughter. You have your perfect house. The only thing you're missing is the dog. But I guess I kind of fill that role. Don't I? Get sick of me; throw me back to the pound. Maybe I'd be better off there. You have nothing to be disappointed about. Yes, I'm a big letdown, but what does that matter to you? Why do you care?"

"I care because I'm your mom and I love you."

"No! You're my mother and you abandoned me. You don't love me and I don't love you. You love Beth and you love yourself. I don't fit into the perfect Corcoran world. So I'm grounded. Are we done here?"

"No, we need to talk about this."

"I'm done talking!"

Rachel rushed to her room and locked herself in. The rest of the day was tense and quiet. No one dared disturb the other in fear of World War III. Shelby was beyond frustrated, but truly at a loss. She didn't understand how Rachel could still feel that way after everything. She wouldn't have had her move in if she didn't care. And she wanted Rachel to see that; to feel that. So the rest of the day was spent with each contender in their respective corners to avoid the knockout. They both had some things to figure out and work through. They couldn't do that in the midst of the battle o the wills.

And the next day Shelby stuck to her word. She brought Rachel to and from school, confiscated the items, and upheld all rules. Rachel was avoiding all people like the plague. Their English class was uncomfortable and hard. It was like all the other kids could feel the anger filling the room. And it didn't help that Puck and Rachel couldn't even look at each other. The day just sucked. It was hard and grueling and everyone just wanted it over. Rachel was up two cuts and void of all stomach contents by the time glee rolled around; not to mention the additions from the day before while she was stowed away in her room. That was a school first though; cuts and vomit. Cutting was usually just for home, but it was necessary and she didn't care.

By the end of that Monday, everyone just needed their own space. Rachel went straight to her room after Shelby her from school and glee and errands. Shelby decided to just cool off; relax a little. Taking off her shoes and jacket, she sunk into the couch with Beth and let out a sigh of relief. It was, what felt like, one of the longest days of the year and she couldn't wait to just crawl into bed and pray that tomorrow brought better times. Unfortunately, she didn't even get ten minutes. Just as soon as she got comfortable, the phone rang.

"Ugh, what now?" She asked herself as she placed Beth into her playpen and hurried to the phone. "Hello?" There was no bothering with caller ID. She just wanted to pick up, see what they wanted, and do nothing for the rest of the night. That wasn't going to happen, and she wasn't going to be happy.

"Shelby Corcoran? "

"This is."

"Hello, this is Dr. Cantor."

"Oh hi." Did doctors normally call the parents directly? "Are you calling about Rachel's test results. Did you find something wrong?" Then she thought, "Why would the doctor call her personally about an appointment? This couldn't be good."

"Test results? No, I'm calling about Rachel."

"Oh god, a personal phone call's never a good sign. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, not that I know. I had her on the schedule not too long ago but she never came in. You cancelled, but I know you had some concerns about her weight loss and I have to say that it's something I'd like to look into."

"Wait, wait, wait. I cancelled the appointment? I didn't cancel anything"

"When my assistant called to confirm the appointment you told her you had to cancel. But I felt it important to call and reschedule, especially if the problems you mentioned continue." Shelby was furious after that. The only one that could've canceled was Rachel. And that would make sense since she and Beth went out and Rachel was home alone. Rescheduling the appointment for the same date as Beth's new patient physical, Shelby rushed through the rest of the conversation.

When Shelby hung up the phone, she was flooded with a mess of different emotions, but one thought stuck out the most. Five words explained it all; everything she was experiencing. "That girl is so dead." And that only just began to cover it.

"Rachel!"

**Sorry it took so long for this chapter. All I can say to justify it is that my nephew was using my computer and erased the entire chapter before I could back it up. That's what I get for being a good aunt. After that I just needed to get away from the story or I would've murdered it because the original chapter was so good and this one is… whatever it is. I should mention that updates will be a little erratic for the next two months. We have family flying in from Germany and we haven't seen them in some time. So I'm going to be spending as much time with them as possible. However, I'm going to do my best to write as much as I can in advance before the arrival so that I can update fairly regularly during their stay. I want to say anticipate an update every two weeks starting now, but no promises.**

**Anyway… I got a little lost and had to take a short break. It was like everything I wrote after that was wrong and I had to rewrite it. I do hope it was worth the wait though.**

**It seems like every time I try to upload I get an error message or I just can't log in. Does that only happen to me or do any of you get that too?**

**Here's a question. How many people want Jesse brought in? Some people expressed an interest and I'll write him in if it's the consensus, but I don't love the character. I like the actor, not the character.**

**Sorry for any and all grammatical or spelling errors. It wasn't proofread at all. If I reread it I would've found something wrong and it'd be another month before updates.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	22. Royally Screwed

Chapter 22: Royally Screwed

"Rachel!" She was in the middle of writing when she heard it. The shrill shriek made her stop dead in her tracks. She knew that tone. It didn't take years of living with the woman to know her nuances. That was her "you did something wrong missy" tone. But what had she done wrong? Surely she'd been punished enough for her not so drunken state. What had she done in the last twenty four hours to warrant the sounds of an angry hyena ready to pounce? "Rachel! Get down here right now!" There was no way she was going to willingly enter the lion's den, especially when she didn't know what she did to make it so hungry. She preferred to keep all limbs firmly attached to her body.

"What do I do? What do I do?" She continually asked herself. Talking out loud to no one but her own reflection didn't make her crazy. Right? She didn't have much time to think it over though. Shelby would only get angrier the longer she kept her waiting. And in the panic that was rising, all Rachel could do was think of her options. She could run. The window was always a viable alternative. But she was grounded and if she ran away again she was sure Shelby would buy one of those inhumane child leashes and follow her around or start to walk her like a puppy that had yet to be housebroken. There was no way she could handle that. The only other options were going to Shelby or waiting for Shelby to come to her. Neither promised a better outcome, but she didn't understand how she was in the situation to begin with. What could she have possibly done? Deciding it'd be easier on her if she just went to the living room where she knew Shelby was, Rachel quickly rolled down her sleeves and went on her not so merry way.

"Shelby? Why are you yelling?" She asked innocently.

"Come sit down." When she made no attempt to move, Shelby put on her "I mean business" face. "Now Rachel!" There was no arguing with that; not when combined with that tone and that face. She didn't like the lack of power she felt. She didn't even do anything and it was all going to hell. The control she was fighting to find and keep in her life was gone again.

"What's going on?" She was truly stumped. No amount of wracking her brain gave her any indication of what she did. Maybe there were a few little things. Like she did sneak out of the window to go for a run in the middle of the night because Shelby forbid her morning runs for the foreseeable future, but she wasn't caught. That she was sure of. So what was it? That was the continuous question and she really couldn't come up with an answer.

"I just got off the phone…" She was seething. Anyone could've seen that, but Rachel decided to push her anyway. She needed to find that control again and since there wasn't the option for her usual fix, she had to do it.

"Good, you managed to figure out over a century's old technology. Maybe next week you can master the microwave." It was after that that Rachel realized, for the first time, that Shelby's angry mother Corcoran face was worse than any Coach Corcoran stare. There was more anger in her eyes, more disappointment, and more negativity. With the coach face, it was just her trying to get her way. The mother face was definitely a hundred times worse. She couldn't stare at it. She had to look away, yet that didn't even allow her the luxury of escaping it.

"This isn't a good time to get smart with me."

"Whatever. As you were saying…" Shelby huffed. She wanted to strangle the girl, but she needed to figure out the root of the problem. She needed to figure out why her daughter did what she did.

"I was on the phone just now…" Rachel nodded in anticipation. She just wanted the whole thing over with. "With your doctor." There was no masking her face after that. She couldn't cover up the distress of being caught.

"Oh…" That was what she did. Suddenly option A, the window escape, seemed the better scenario. She was trying to hold back her shock. She really didn't think Shelby would ever find out. Why was she even talking to her doctor?

"Yeah, oh." For the first time since Rachel went down there, Shelby's voice was calm. She still had a hard time looking at her mother, but at least she seemed calmer; or too upset to be angry; not that that was any better. "Why did you do it Rachel?" How was she going to play it? Lie. She couldn't tell Shelby the truth. What mother would respond well to her saying, "I didn't go to the doctor because I have cuts all over I don't want him to see" or "I'm making myself vomit on a regular basis and don't want the doctor to catch on?" It didn't seem like something anyone would respond well to. So lying was what she was going to do; what she had to do. There was no doubt about that and she had become increasingly good at it. So good at lying and covering things up that she even scared herself sometimes. The only question was what lie to tell.

"I hate doctors." She blurted out hoping to buy some time.

"That's no excuse Rachel. I'm your mother and I have a right to be worried about your health. If I tell you to go to the doctor, you have to go. How can I trust you now?"

"You just can. I did one thing wrong and now I'm an untrustworthy liar. Why can't you trust me? What could I have done that was so bad? Surely you've done worse. I know you have. Why can't you trust me a little?" She was pleading. She needed to get out of the situation. Confrontation was not her friend.

"We're not talking about me. But I can't trust you because you're not telling me the truth. I know you don't like doctors; no one really does, but be honest with me and yourself. Why didn't you go to the appointment?" She let out a deep sigh knowing she'd come up with the perfect cover. It was a lie she knew Shelby would believe.

"Studio time opened up and I wanted to get some last minute alone time there so I could practice. Getting a lead in the recital is important to me, and I had to do it. I'm sorry I lied, but I had to skip it. I just had to."

"Rachel…" Shelby was frustrated beyond belief. Nothing she did with Rachel ever seemed to go right. She never seemed to learn her lesson. Whenever they seemed to be on solid ground, she found a crack in the foundation. Some of the cracks just didn't appear to be repairable. "I don't…" She was truly at a loss. Sighing, huffing, scoffing; that was what came out of her mouth. "Don't you see that everything you do is wrong?" Her anger was getting the better of her and the words were just coming out. "Don't you see that you're too young to drink? That your actions have consequences? If I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it. There's no more arguing with me. There's no more fighting with me. I'm done. If I tell you to do something, you do it. End of story." She continued on without a following.

Rachel zoned out after Shelby told her everything she did was wrong. She caught bits and pieces of the rest of the berating, but that one sentence stuck with her the most. It was true. She knew it and, apparently, Shelby knew it too. There was no more hiding what a screw up she had become. Knowing it and having it reinforced by her own flesh and blood were two completely different feelings. The latter hurt so much more than the former and she refused to let it show. The tears were welling in her eyes, begging to be released and free to flow, but Rachel wasn't having that. She couldn't let Shelby see that she was affected in the least. She wasn't weak. She wouldn't be weak. But half listening to the words Shelby was dishing out made her want to run to the kitchen stuff her face until the cupboards were bare, release it all, then spend some time soaking in a blood bath. That was the plan too. As soon as Shelby was done adding to her punishment and telling her what a failure she was as both a daughter and a human being, that was what she intended to do. She just had to get through the monologue first.

"I'm extending your grounding until Regionals. The same rules apply. For the next seven weeks, when you're not in class or at glee or in dance, you're either in your room with no electronics or you're with me. Are we clear?" There was no sense arguing. She wouldn't win. She had no illusions that she would, so she simply nodded. "I can't believe you sometimes Rachel. I'm very disappointed with you. I don't know when or if I can trust you again. I don't know if you're telling me the truth from one minute to the next. I don't know what's going on in your head. Maybe this is about your fathers' deaths. Maybe it's about me and the move in here, but whatever it is, it needs to stop. There's no more lying; there are no more lies. I'm too tired to fight you anymore. So it needs to stop." She was obviously frazzled. Shelby stopped yelling sometime ago. Even Rachel could see what she was doing to her poor mother. And all she could think was how horrible it must've been to know that she had such a loser, such a failure, such and inconsiderate bitch for a daughter. Was it any wonder she walked out on her? "I don't get why you do what you do. Maybe I never will. But again, I'm telling you it has to stop. I can't take it anymore." She took a poignant breathe, each sound emphasized her utter anguish. "Barring physical punishment, there's not much more I can do. So stop testing me." That last part came out like a strict demand; a warning that there would be hell to pay if Rachel didn't get her act together soon. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Shelby asked after a silence took over. She saw Rachel's face. There was so much emotion there; more than she had shown in the months she'd been living there. But she wouldn't open up. All Shelby wanted to do was squeeze her tight, tell her to just be herself, her good normal self, and make things better. That seemed a little unrealistic given where they were at.

"I'm sorry." Rachel whispered. She couldn't take much more. Fighting the tears of heartache and self loathing was hard enough. There was no more adding to the well before the levee broke. "I'm sorry that I lied to you. I'm sorry I can't get anything right." It came out mumbled as silent tears flew from her eyes. She tried to shield them from Shelby. She turned her head away and quickly wiped at them, but it wasn't enough. Shelby saw them. And she wanted to help. So instead of holding back, she removed herself from her imposing and intimidating standing position and sat next to her daughter on the couch.

"Look at me Rachel." Her voice was soothing and calm. All anger aside for the moment, she put her hand on either side of Rachel's face and gently turned it so that she could look into her daughter's eyes. As motherly as possible, Shelby used her thumbs to tenderly dry her eyes. "It's not that you can't get anything right. You've been going through a rough time and you're acting out. But it really does need to stop." She put her hand on Rachel's waiting to see if she'd pull away. There was a slight flinch which hurt Shelby, but when she relaxed again, Shelby continued. "Mistakes happen. Bad choices get made. I understand that. But we're both going to work on being better."

"We are?" Rachel asked through the water works.

"We are. You and me, we're going to get through this. Starting now we are going to have a serious talk once a week, more if need be."

"Talks?"

"Yes, consider it part of your punishment, although, talking to your mother really shouldn't be considered punishment." It is when it's forced. "Every Friday we'll talk about our week and what we're feeling. If something happens and we need to talk before then, that's fine. But we need to communicate."

"Is this necessary?" She wiped the remainder of her tears away as the crying subsided. She was a little ashamed that she openly cried in the first place. It was weird doing that in front of Shelby. It was weird accepting any form of comfort from Shelby. And thus, she quickly took her hand from her mother's grasp. Shelby was a little hurt by that move, but a part of her understood. Rachel still wasn't ready.

"Yes, it is." The anger was still there, but their conversation was much more civil. Shelby finally got the confirmation that Rachel was still in there somewhere, hiding behind her enforced concrete walls. She got emotion and truth out of her daughter. And Rachel realized that she needed to be better at what she claimed to be great at. Her acting needed to be better. She needed to be better. It all needed to be better, but most of all, she needed to start getting things right. All she seemed to be doing was making mistakes.

"Fine." She conceded. She knew she'd have to face some sort of awkward conversation with Shelby eventually. At least a planned one would give her time to come up with convincing lies to share.

"Well, that was easier than I thought it'd be. You're already learning."

"Whatever. Are you done yelling now?"

"It has been a long day, and yes; I'm done yelling. Go up to your room. You have an hour to do whatever and then you have to come down to do homework in the kitchen while I cook dinner. You're on dish duty."

"Right." She stood abruptly, but that wasn't the end of it.

"I wasn't done." Shelby scolded. Her tone said that if Rachel kept going the whole argument would just start again. So, Rachel obedient returned to her previous spot, this time opting to stand while Shelby sat.

"What else could there possibly be?"

"Wednesday, Beth has an appointment with your doctor. I figured since you were more comfortable with him, instead of moving you to Beth's doctor, I'd move her to yours."

"Ok, that's nice." Another thing she'd have to share with her "sister."

Shelby huffed. She wasn't fond of the sarcasm. "I've set it up so that just before her appointment, you'll be seeing Dr. Cantor."

"What?" Now Rachel was upset. There were reasons she avoided the doctor. Why couldn't Shelby see that? Or, since the reasons were meant to stay hidden, why couldn't she just accept it and leave it alone?

"The appointment is important. There's no arguing this. You're going." She was angry again. Her voice was raised again. That was not how either thought they were spending their Monday.

The fight continued a little longer. Rachel tried to stand her ground and get out of the appointment, but Shelby didn't budge an inch. She even threatened Rachel's dance and glee future. "When do you find out if you got a lead in the recital?"

"Wednesday is the call back day and Thursday we get spot placement. Why?"

"If you don't go to the appointment, if he doesn't clear you and tell you that you're healthy enough to dance and participate, then I'm pulling you out of class and you will no longer be a part of glee."

"You can't do that!" She was fuming, but she didn't even have it in her to want to fight. She wanted to run to her room and be left alone. She wanted some quality time with her little metal friend and the snacks hidden in her drawers. She didn't want to be arguing over Shelby's persistence to make her life a living hell.

"I can and I will." Argument ensued from that point on. Both were too strong willed and too stubborn to just give up. Normally Shelby would've been more even tempered, but she was done being passive. Rachel, meet aggressive. Shelby wasn't backing down.

Once it was over, ended by Shelby sending Rachel to her room to collect her homework and just stay away until they both calmed down, Shelby was frustrated. How could they fight over something so simple? It was just a doctor's appointment, wasn't it? So how could that lead to another blowout? Letting out an aggravated groan, she tended to a surprisingly calm Beth and tried to go over what could possibly make Rachel so angry about a doctor's visit before going to start dinner. She'd leave Rachel in her room to stew a little longer.

Meanwhile, Rachel ran right to her bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. The first thing she did was grunt and angry grunt as she leaned against the solid door and crumpled to the floor. She released the real tears that she'd been holding; not the silent ones she couldn't help in front of Shelby, but real tears. Why couldn't things be simple? Why couldn't she be normal? Why couldn't Shelby just leave well enough alone? They were getting along just fine. They even managed a civil resolution to their conflict before she threatened to take away the only things Rachel had left. She couldn't just leave it alone and that made Rachel furious, sad, and everything else related to the situation.

When she heard Shelby enter and then leave Beth's room, the next step began. Rachel calmed her breathing and ran to the snack drawer. In a path of pure destruction, she ripped out the entire drawer, tearing through each packet and stuffing her face like she was in one of those championship eating competitions or fighting for survival. In a way she was; she was fighting for her sanity's survival. It didn't take long for her to demolish everything and leaving a mountain of empty containers and wrapping on the floor before her. She'd have to vacuum the crumbs later. She didn't want Shelby to get suspicious.

Once that was done, she didn't leave anytime for the food to digest. She ran the few feet to the bathroom so fast she barely felt her feet hit the ground in the process. The toilet seat was up, the finger was down her throat, and her stomach contents were spilled all in a matter of minutes. Instantly, she found her relief. The fight with Shelby was forgotten and all was right. That was, until she heard Shelby calling. Apparently she was in her bathroom basking in the glory of the high for longer than she realized.

"Rachel, dinner!" Shelby said it in a way that demanded Rachel not push her any further and just do what was asked of her and get down there. And Rachel would comply. She didn't have a ready excuse to get out of the meal and she was positive Shelby would be watching her like a hawk anyway. She had to do it. Cleaning herself up, she quickly made herself presentable and went into the kitchen. It wasn't going to be fun.

As expected, dinner didn't pass without its problems. It started off alright. There were no major issues for the first half or so. Rachel's eyes barely left her plate as she pushed her food from side to side doing her best to listen to whatever Shelby was saying. She'd respond to direct questions. But mostly she just shot out the occasional "a huh" and "yeah;" just enough to pass as an active participant.

"Eat Rachel. You're not leaving until your plate is empty, the dishes are done, and your homework is finished." She wanted to scream. How did Shelby expect her to eat the mound of toxin and not immediately expel it from her body? She wanted her to get fatter; that was the only explanation. Why else would she force her to eat food she didn't want?

"I don't like this." She insisted, but Shelby knew otherwise.

"You liked it when we bought it." She vaguely remembered Rachel saying it was her favorite brand of vegan meatballs and pasta, which happened to be one of her favorite meals.

"Well then I'm just not hungry." Sitting there felt painful, and with every bite it just got worse, and Shelby made her eat; watched her eat. It was disturbing and it made Rachel feel sick. Every taste of the food made her feel sick. It felt awkward and wrong.

Everything added together just pushed her closer to the edge. Things weren't going well anymore. Rachel could literally feel the food digesting completely, breaking down and widening her waist. It felt like a disease spreading through her body in a rapid fire. As Shelby watched her do the next week's homework, work she didn't need to be doing then, she was antsy. Her foot was shaking and her hands were trembling. She needed to get into that bathroom, but she knew it'd already be too late. She'd have to punish herself later and work it all off after Shelby went to bed. All she could do was remind herself that she'd get through it even if it didn't feel like it at the time.

Then she saw her out. She and Shelby were already on shaky ground because of their earlier argument and what happened then was her ticket. It didn't take much to ignite the fire. Shelby simply said something that rubbed Rachel the wrong way. If Rachel was asked what was said, she wouldn't be able to answer. But at that moment, all she saw was her escape. She used the spark to create a flame, pushing Shelby away even further. She just wanted to get out and an argument was the usual way. That time was no different, and it worked just like it always did. Once Shelby had enough and did her yelling thing, she did just what Rachel wanted. A little louder and a little angrier than anticipated, Shelby demanded Rachel stay in her room and stay there until the morning. Rachel gladly obliged and ran up the stairs. Maybe she made things worse between their mother daughter relationship, but it was only temporary. She'd make peace with Shelby later. She'd play the dutiful daughter. She'd be mommy's little girl, but not that night. That night all she could think about was her silver release and the feel of the cold blade in her hand as it ran across her soft flesh.

When she was finally alone in the comfort of her own room, she didn't know what to do first. Well, she did, and she did it. She went to the bathroom and expelled all that she could, but that wasn't enough. It was all settled by then, Hours had gone by. It was what came next that she couldn't decide. She needed to work off the calories, but she yearned for the blade. Pushing the cravings aside, she went onto the elliptical. Even as it got late, she wouldn't get off. She spent hours on the machine only stopping when Shelby got annoyed by the noise and demanded Rachel get off it by nine thirty. Shelby only gave her the few hours because she knew exercise was how Rachel let out frustration.

It wasn't enough for Rachel. She needed more exercise; she needed something, but obviously, with Shelby around, she couldn't do much. So she took to the bathroom, turned the bathwater on to a scolding temperature, waited for the tub to fill as she undressed, and then she slipped into the water. Her foot gently glided over the water, feeling it out before submerging fully. Once she knew the water was right, she lowered herself in slowly, easing herself limb by limb into the steaming wetness. Soothing her aches and pains, the water cleansed her. The water immersed her as she sank deeper. She needed a calm moment, like the clear skies before the storm rolls in. Taking in a deep breath and holding it, Rachel dipped her head under the water. She wasn't going to drown herself. That wasn't in the nights' plans. She just needed a solitary moment. She needed to be free from her thoughts and the world for just a few seconds. And she got that under the water. Through the rippling water she looked around at nothing in particular. There were no sounds, no thoughts, no nothing; it was just her and the tranquility of the water's movements around her. And she stayed like that until she was forced to come up for air. Her mind was clear, but it wasn't empty. Quickly, her thoughts went back to the day and she instinctively reached for the razor she strategically placed by the tub before getting in.

Like a mantra, she kept repeating that she deserved it, that she deserved the pain. "I deserve it. I deserve to be punished. I'm not disciplined. I'm a terrible daughter. I'm stupid. I shouldn't have eaten that much. I deserve this. I deserve to be punished." She said. She knew she needed to be careful. The cuts couldn't be anywhere the doctor could see, but her mind wasn't in a normal place. Not all thoughts were rational, and some of her actions just couldn't be help. But even so, she was as tempered as she could've been. Although she promised to stay away from that area, the scarred skin of her upper thigh was the night's canvas, and there was no holding back. She knew she should have, but all inhibition was lost after the first run on her skin.

The clearness easily tinged pink as the blood meshed with the water. Letting the razor fall from her hands, she stayed stationary sitting in her own blood stained bath. As the water levels drained slowly around her and she watched what once enveloped her deplete, Rachel just sat there contented. Once it was completely drained, she stood and turned on the shower head. She needed to rinse the remnants of red from her body. And as the water hit her, she felt right. She was calm again and everything with Shelby was forgotten. The stresses of the coming days were put on hold. She was just Rachel again and it felt good. She would sleep easy that night.

As her head rested on the pillow and she effortlessly succumbed to the sleep she needed, she couldn't help but wonder about a few things. But one thing she dreaded most. If that was how her Monday went, she couldn't imagine how the rest of the week would go. She didn't foresee many happy days in her immediate future. But, like everything else, those worries were on hold. Then, it was about a peaceful sleep that she rarely enjoyed and tomorrow would be left for the morning. That night would be trouble free. She was bandaged and sleepy; it was time for bed.

The morning went fine, surprisingly. She offered Shelby as sincere an apology as humanly possible. And, in Rachel's defense, it truly was sincere. She didn't want them to always be at each other's throat. "I am sorry for being such a bitch last night." It was genuine, and she even threw in a bad word that she normally wouldn't use. She didn't know why, but maybe it would've lightened the mood.

"Language Rachel."

"Seriously though, I am sorry. It's just that time of the month and you have this way of rubbing me the wrong way." It was a rough way of saying sorry, but it was the best she could offer. In all honesty, she still wanted the great relationship she always dreamed of having. But that was just another thing she'd never admit to, especially not to Shelby.

"I understand Rachel. Sometimes you make me want to rip my hair out too, but we're working on it. We agreed to that and we're going to stick to that. Both of us are going to learn to cooperate and communicate with each other."

"Ok, let's go now. We're getting to mushy." She joked. "I'm assuming I'm still not allowed to walk to school on my own."

"No, no you're not." Shelby confirmed as she put a hand on Rachel's shoulder and guided her out of the house.

After the apology, things weren't so bad. When she got to school she put on a happy face and caught up with Kurt. She was happy to stay quiet and listen to him go on about Blaine and their budding relationship. It took her away from her problems and made it easier to be a passive participant rather than have to force conversation. She didn't want to do all the talking, but she didn't want to be a bad friend either, so when Kurt went on a tangent, she was actually grateful for the change and lack of attention. She gave a mental, "Thank you Kurt."

The rest of the pre-class morning was fine too. After speaking, or listening, to Kurt, she went to English. The tension between Shelby and Rachel wasn't there any longer. They were cordial and acting accordingly for a teacher and a student. That was, until Ms. Corcoran decided to dole out group projects and she handpicked the groups without student input. Shelby had the bad taste to pair her with Puckerman. She went on to explain, to Rachel, that she was pairing stronger academic students with their opposite. For her, that meant Puck. Rachel was fuming, and that was the beginning to the day's undoing.

By lunch, she had a run in with Quinn and a bunch of football jerks. Quinn decided it was a good time to make her feel like pond scum and, not so covertly, tell whatever cheerleader she was with that Rachel Berry, Treasure Trail, although less eloquently said, was going nowhere in life because she was a Lima Loser. Of course, Quinn being the head bitch she was, had to throw in a few other names and an embarrassing anecdote or two, but Rachel did her best to ignore her. But it just wasn't in the cards. Everything was getting to her and the laughing made it worse. Then, she had the luck to walk right into the petting zoo for unsightly creatures, aka Karofsky and his followers. It was like they were expecting her, waiting for her to come around the bend as they stood in the perfect pouncing position. Just as she turned the corner to head to the cafeteria, she became part of the unicorn poster on the wall. A rainbow of artificial dyes and sugary glop painted her entire body as the cackles filled the otherwise empty hallway.

Rushing to the bathroom she felt like crying, but she had to stay strong. Luckily, she had clothes in her bag, which didn't get ruined. Every cut on her body was stinging from the mess of syrup that poured into them and caused the fabric to dig into them. That didn't bother her as much as the facts that Shelby was definitely going to notice the change of clothes and would most likely question it. Her hair was already matting to her head like a protective helmet; hard and stiff. Washing it and getting cleaned was a pain, but she made it through. And she made it through without resorting to her normal measures. As sad as it was, and as much as it still hurt, she was used to it and the sting was a temporary relief in itself.

But all that junk aside, the day was barely half over, and it was already worse than she thought it would be. Skipping lunch completely so she could get cleaned, Rachel was off. She was late to two classes. Santana watched her every move all day. She thought Santana was done with that, but apparently not. It was all so irritating. And when she asked Santana what her problem was, she just got some snide remark about Rachel's appearance and her attitude. It wasn't so bad. In fact, it was a little lame for Santana, but it was icing on the proverbial cake; a cake that was baked with salt instead of sugar.

At the end of the day, after her subpar performance in glee and Shelby's pre-Regionals boot camp, all she wanted to do was go home. "Let's go Rachel." Shelby called out to her, but she wasn't inclined to go, not yet. Puck was giving her dirty looks and attitude since the stupid party and she was tired of it, especially since they had to work together on a Shelby's project. She was done dealing with it. And right then, when she heard him whisper something rude under his breath, she knew she had to sort things out.

"I'll be right there Shelby. I forgot a book in my locker." It was a valid excuse.

"Fine, just hurry." Ah yes, punishment; any girl's downfall.

With Shelby's departure, she and Puck were the only ones left in the choir room. They started off simple; just hellos, but Noah was rougher than usual. And when she asked him how he was, he blew up at her and started saying things that made no sense at all. When he started sounding more like Quinn and the guy who used to bully her, she was done.

"What happened to that boy I once dated however briefly? What happened to the man that apologized to me for ever throwing slushies in my face?" She was getting heated and the anger was harder to control. "What happened to Noah? Because all I see is Puck. And while Puck may be popular, no one really cares about him. Noah is better than Puck could ever be."

"So… not all people like every side of me, but at least there are people who like me. Can you say that? No one likes any side of you. You're just crazy Berry and everyone hates you."

"You're infuriating!" She yelled after hearing enough of his, what she deemed, truths.

"You're annoying."

"You're a jerk."

"You're an idiot." They just kept going back in forth for a while; one insult after the next.

"Man whore."

"Regular female whore."

"This is so immature, even for you Puck, and I'm not playing this game any longer. I don't know what I did to make you so upset, but this isn't fair. I'm not going to stand here and let you degrade me. Grow up. Be Noah again." He didn't like her calling him Puck.

"Why do you have to be such a bitch Berry? It's no wonder the rest of glee hates you. Is it really hard to understand why people bully you? You're an easy target and you make it even easier." She couldn't listen to him anymore. He wasn't saying anything she didn't know, but just like hearing things from Shelby, hearing those things from him hurt more than the ice chips that cut her skin during an attack.

Solemnly beginning to walk away, she paused at the door and turned to him. "Being a badass may seem cool sometimes. Being a hard ass might get you places. But being a jackass gets you nowhere and gets you nothing. You should really consider that." With that she just left.

Puck came chasing after her. "Rachel wait! Wait!" But she wasn't stopping. "I'm sorry!" But it wasn't enough.

"Whatever Puck. I'm going to deal with you for this project, but that's the only reason I'm even acting remotely civil towards you. If you're not talking to me about glee and Regionals preparations or the English assignment, then you shouldn't be talking to me at all. Get back to me when you're ready to tell me what your problem is like a big boy would." She didn't give him another chance to talk to her. She headed to the car and went home with Shelby.

The rest of the night was normal; more normal than it had been in a while. They didn't fight. Rachel cooperated with what Shelby asked. It was an easy night even if Rachel's mind was on overdrive. The important thing was that they got through it. To Shelby it was a great feat. It was a good night. To Rachel, it was a night of whatever. She was neither happy nor sad; she just existed. And after the day she had, she'd take it. She would accept it as a good day and call it a night. She just had to get through her routine and push it all away. There could be no other activities with the coming inspection from Dr. Cantor. So whatever was on her mind just had to be on pause. She could do it… Just one and a half days.

Wednesday was a mute day for Rachel. She mostly ignored all people and kept to herself. There were only two things on her mind all day. The first was the appointment that she didn't want to go to, and the other was the recital results. She didn't want to be in the background. She wanted to shine. She wanted to be good at something and getting a lead would give her that. All in all, it was a lot of pressure she was putting on herself. So she just had to get through the day.

Come afternoon and glee was over. They headed home to change, but it was time. "Are you ready to go?" Shelby asked as she collected her bag from the table.

"As I'll ever be." She was not happy about going, but what other choice did she have?

**Sorry it took so long. It has been a rough couple of weeks, but here's the update. I think I'm going to try and do shorter chapters so I have a timelier update, but I can't control my hands sometimes; they just type.**

**This chapter is absolutely without a doubt not even a little edited. I just wanted to get something out after the long wait, and normally this would drive me crazy, but the reader's deserve and update however erroneous it is. So sorry for any and all grammatical or spelling errors. It wasn't proofread at all. If I reread it I would've found something wrong and it'd be another month before updates.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	23. Doctors are Not Our Friends

Chapter 23: Doctors are Not Our Friends

When Wednesday rolled around, Rachel was not excited. In fact, she was dreading every single second of the day. Not only was she stressed about the recital results, even though they were informed everyone would be going through another round and results wouldn't truly be known for an extra day, she was anxiety ridden about the appointment. But she had a plan. Shelby was dead set on going with her. It was a must since the trust was lacking, but Rachel had alternatives. She was going to go, no doubt, but she was going to cover her ass. Her "condition" wouldn't be discovered; neither of them would. There were a lot of things she promised herself, most of which she hadn't kept, but this one she would. The doctor would not discover her secrets.

Come afternoon and glee was over. They headed home to change, but it was time. "Are you ready to go?" Shelby asked as she collected her bag from the table.

"As I'll ever be." She was not happy about going, but what other choice did she have?

Slowly getting to the car, her body was weighed down, both figuratively and literally. There were reasons for that; part of her plan. She knew the Cantor rules for weight and height check. Shoes needed to come off and so did jackets. That was fine. The jacket wouldn't really make much of a difference and while the shoes would've added a little weight, she more than made up for their absence. Strapped to each foot were ankle weights which, she made sure, were covered by thick, heavy jeans. That would add a few pounds. Her other problem was still concealable. Her doctor knew she was a dancer. Her showing up with a leotard on wouldn't raise suspicion. So that was what she did. Before leaving, she slipped on a long sleeved leo with a low cut back so he still had stethoscope access if needed. That would hide the scars and cuts on her arms and hip. Her leg injuries, she didn't think would be a factor. If her doctor was feeling her up there, then they had a whole different set of issues they'd be addressing; mainly sexual misconduct, but tights and jeans seemed to cover her well. Rachel didn't foresee that actually coming into play. No, she was set and ready. Her bases were covered and all was good.

The wait seemed to take forever. Sitting there after signing in felt like an eternity, and Beth's clanking of the toys wasn't helping the matter any. Then there was Shelby. Since the day began, she was practically stalking Rachel. That was how it felt anyway. It seemed like every time Rachel peered over or happened to glance through her periphery, she saw Shelby watching her. It was annoying, expected, but annoying. There was no getting away from it. She was stuck in the stare and she had to live with it.

Finally, her name was called. "Rachel, the doctor is ready for you." Rachel stood up abruptly, just wanting to get it over with, but halted immediately when she saw Shelby follow.

"Where are you going?"

"With you." She responded like it was to be expected.

That was not going to happen. "What? You don't trust me to walk the ten feet to the exam room? A nurse will be escorting me." She said it jokingly, but it was all legitimate. She wanted real answers.

"I'm coming with you." Shelby was shifting Beth on her hip impatiently. She didn't want to bicker with Rachel and she really didn't want an audience for one of their squabbles.

"Absolutely not." Before Shelby could do more than put a hand up in protest, Rachel carried on. "I've been attending appointments on my own for years now. If you don't trust me, fine, but you're not coming in with me. I have the right to refuse that. You can't come in. If you do, I'm out."

"Rachel."

"No, _mom…_" She said is in a patronizing way, not at all how Shelby wanted to hear it, but it affected her anyway. And that was the plan. "I'm going, you're staying."

There was no protest. Shelby seemed too stunned to do more than stand there mouth open and paralyzed. Did Rachel call her mom? It wasn't a term of endearment. It wasn't meant to bring them closer and move their relationship forward. It was simply a tactic to get Shelby so distracted she was out of her hair, but Shelby saw it as more. She was being blind to the circumstance and tone and only seeing it as something she wanted to hear. "Mom." She liked it, but she wouldn't get used to it. It wouldn't last. Nothing good with Rachel ever did.

Rachel followed Nurse Johnson back to the exam room. "Shoes and jacket off, hop on the scale." She always hated this part. She weighed herself before they left the house and she knew what she should've been expecting, but she still watched vigorously as the woman balanced the scale. Height was first, but once the little knob got moving, her eyes were transfixed. To the 50 mark, the 75, moving… moving… "I've gained two pounds since this morning." She weighed herself with and without the weights. Something had to be wrong. She didn't eat or drink all day. It had to have been the lack of exercise. A slack filled glee practice wasn't exactly a proper exercise routine make.

"What was that dear?"

"Oh nothing…" She stated nervously. "N… Nothing, it was nothing."

"Ok dear." She finished writing in the chart. "You can get your shoes back on and take a seat on the exam table. The doctor will be in shortly."

"Thank you." Just because she didn't want any part of this cruel punishment didn't mean she needed to be rude to the kind woman before her. Manners were still important. And the woman took kindly to them as she politely excused herself from the room and left Rachel to stew in her thoughts. How was it possible to gain weight when nothing but the air she breathed entered her body? Nothing went in…

Her thoughts went on and on as she stressed out about the miniscule change in numbers probably caused by simple bloating. They went back and forth between her weight and how she was going to push herself at dance to whether or not she would get a good spot and made it through round two or if she was going to be stuck as a background dancer simply prancing about in the scenery. Her thoughts, however, were cut short when the opening door startled her. "Rachel." He said with a big, friendly smile. "It has been a while. How have you been?"

"I've been about as well as can be expected, better as of late. Thank you for asking."

"I was sorry to hear about your fathers. They were good men."

"They were. Thank you." She didn't want to talk about them. There was a lot she didn't want to talk about those days, but she was trying something new. She was biting her tongue. As much as she wanted to lash out, in the rare moments she could actually control it, she'd keep her thoughts to herself.

There was a little more idle chat before the exam began. "You look a bit pale Rachel. How have you been feeling?" He looked at her with squinted, determined eyes like he knew she was about to lie to him and he was trying to will out the truth. Shelby was right, she was tiny.

"Fine." She was fine. There was no lying there. Nothing was wrong with her; at least, not medically.

He still didn't believe her. It was obvious why Shelby was concerned. He never officially met the woman with the exception of a few phone calls to discuss Rachel and talk about setting Beth up as a patient, so he didn't know if her concerns were that of an anxious _new_ mom or genuine issues. Then he knew it was possibly both, but the latter had merit. There was something there to delve deeper into. "Your blood pressure's a little low and your chart shows you've lost some weight since our last appointment."

Her head snapped up in caution. "Our last appointment was over a year ago." She said like it would make a difference. In her mind it did. All she could do was put herself on high alert and raise those defense mechanisms. He was suspicious. She could smell it. He wanted to drag something out of her that she just wasn't ready to share. It wasn't going to happen.

"Yes, but with your small stature it makes a big difference." Of only he knew just how big a difference it was. He shot her a warning look. Dr. Cantor had been seeing her since she was a tiny little girl. He remembered the worried phone calls from her fathers calling if she had so much as a hang nail or a runny nose. But then they'd bring her into the office after what they deemed a "big scare," and she'd be the lively bright eyed child she always was. The girl in front of him was different. She was less energetic, quiet, and just not her. He knew her long enough to know the difference. "Tell me about your diet Rachel."

"Shelby feeds me if that's where you're going with this." Direct answers were out of the question.

"It's not; just tell me about your diet. What do you eat on a regular basis?"

"I don't see what the point of this is." She didn't want to answer questions regarding food, or anything for that matter.

"Just humor me please."

"I eat a piece of toast before I go for a run in the morning. I read that it's important to eat carbs or protein before working out. Then, before I leave for school I have some sort of fruit and an orange juice. On weekends I'll have my vegan pancakes or something like that. For lunch I eat whatever slop they're serving in the cafeteria that day. And as for dinner, I eat whatever Shelby cooks, just the vegan friendly version of the meal." She hoped it didn't sound as rehearsed as it was. Knowing that some of these questions may have been brought up, if not by him then someone else, she prepared some good answers. Improvisation's great and all, but some things require preparedness. As she finished her summary of eating habits, she looked up at him only to see him writing everything she said down. Why was he doing that? Was that even what he was doing? "What are you doing?"

"You mentioned exercise." He completely ignored her question. "Tell me about that."

"I already did." Her fighting him didn't help matters. It only furthered his belief that Shelby was right to be worried. But he had to dig deeper. There could be a logical explanation for the weight loss. There could be something medically wrong. He didn't want to jump to any conclusions.

"Rachel." He said sternly. "You go running every morning. What else do you do?"

"Since I've been grounded and unable to run, I do the elliptical for 30 minutes." Usually she did that and more in addition to her run.

"Anything else?" He needed all the facts.

"I have glee club after school and we do some dancing. It's usually not too strenuous. And I have ballet three times a week, but soon it will be almost every day. I don't see where you're going with this."

"I'm concerned Rachel." Wonderful…

She perked up, immediately looking at him with wide eyes. "Is something wrong with me?" She panicked. Nothing could be wrong with her. She had enough problems in her life and she couldn't have an illness ruining everything.

"I'm concerned that you're overdoing yourself."The look he was giving her was so penetrating. It was as if he was trying to decipher every word, every move, and every action. He was trying to figure out the fact from the fiction and see if there was a simple explanation or if he was going to have a serious talk with Shelby after.

"What do you mean?" There was a curiousness to the question, but it was also one of survival. She didn't work so hard to keep things in to let them all out in a stupid physical.

"You're underweight." There was more to be said, but Rachel cut him off.

"No I'm not!" She was a tub of lard, the literal elephant in the room. Why was everyone lying to her and telling her that she wasn't? She didn't understand how they couldn't see it. How could they not see it? The earth quaked with her every step. Did no one else feel that? She couldn't be the only one. It felt like she was living in a blind world and she was the only one that could see.

"Rachel, I want to show you something." After flipping through the pages of her file, he held up one with a chart. "This is a weight chart." He began to explain. "At every physical we took your height and weight and documented it on here to chart your growth."

"Your point?" It came off snarky, but it was truly innocent. She just wanted to know where he was taking it.

"This is where you should be." He pointed to an area higher than where even the previous appointment's dot was charted. "And this is where you are." His finger trailed down the paper. "This isn't healthy. You're underweight and we need to find out why that is."

"Ok?" It wasn't supposed to be a question, but she was scared. Was he trying to make her fatter? What was he going to do? "How?" He watched her reactions. She was fidgety and nervous, but he didn't understand why. Based on the information he had, the problem could easily be explained by too much exertion and not enough input. If she ate more to make up for the calories lost in her ballet and whatnot, she would gain weight and be just fine.

"I'm going to have the nurse come in and draw some blood. We'll test it just to make sure that you don't have a thyroid problem or anything else internally." She was relieved. She covered her tracks. She knew she did. She won again and that in itself was a high. She hadn't won at much in a while, so it was a feat. "In the mean time, try not to overdo it. If you're going to continue doing so much physical activity you need to compensate by adding more calories to your diet." What? He wanted her to what? Everyone wanted her to be fat. That was all her mind would allow her to see. If she was in a clear, level headed state of mind, she would know she was unhealthy. The cuts on her body, the outline of bones against her touch, and the lack of color in her skin were all proof of that, but she didn't see it. She couldn't see it. He was listing off appropriate food suggestions, but she wasn't listening. All she heard were conspiracies. Her life was just a bunch of people conspiring against her, all unwilling to see the bowling ball she needed to shed from her body. She wanted o scream. People just needed to mind their own business. Why should her doctor care? Why should her mother care? No one should care. No one did care."Blah, blah, blah…. Ok Rachel?" She didn't even hear him. "Rachel?"

"What?" She pulled away from her thoughts and looked to him. "Yeah, ok."

"Good, the nurse will be right in." He pulled all the files together after writing a few last notes. "It was good seeing you Rachel. And again, I'm sorry about your fathers. Just take my advice and take care of yourself."

"Thank you."

"I'll see you soon." Not too soon. "Have a good day Rachel."

"You too." She responded as he left. After filing the papers with one of the secretaries, he went out to the waiting room to greet Shelby.

"Ms. Corcoran, I'm ready for Beth."

She immediately grabbed Beth and followed him to an exam room. They had to have a little chat. First, however, she had him show her to the room Rachel was in so she could inform her daughter that she was to wait in the lounge area unless she wanted to turn her grounding into a prison term. Then, once that was taken care of, they went into the room and propped Beth onto the table while standing beside her to keep her from falling. They spoke as Dr. Cantor preformed the routine new patient physical.

"So, what did you find?"

"Legally, I'm prevented from sharing any information without her consent unless it's dire or treatment requires your permission." Treatment? Shelby was panicking. Why did he always do that to her?

"Treatment? She needs treatment?"

"I didn't say that."

"Then what are you saying?"

"Your concerns are warranted."

"I knew it, something's wrong with her. What is it? How bad?"

"I can tell you that she's under weight, but it's not at a dangerous point yet." He emphasized yet.

"Yet? So not yet, but it could be?"

"It could be." They shared a silent moment. He stopped his exam for a second and looked to Shelby. "I can't speculate the cause exactly. I'm running a few tests just to be sure and rule biological problems out, but it really just seems like she's exercising too much and not eating enough to keep up with it. I gave her some suggestions and hopefully, with your guidance, she'll listen to them."

"That's it?"

"No."

"What do you mean no?" He finished up with Beth. The toddler was perfectly healthy, just updating her charts.

"Just keep an eye on her. I'm not around her enough to see her regular habits. I can only go by what she tells me, and my years in medicine taught me that patients often lie even when they know the truth is the only thing that can help them."

"Do you think she's lying? About what?"

"I don't know if she is or not. I just know something is causing her to be so thin."

"Do you think it's serious?"

"Barring any abnormal results from the labs, I don't know. How has she been since moving in with you? Has she been eating regularly? Has anything changed with her behavior or her normal habits?"

"At first she didn't eat much, so when she lost a little weight I understood. She just lost her fathers. I kept pushing food on her and since then she has been better about it. I'm not with her at lunch, but I make sure she gets at least two full meals a day and snacks whenever she wants them." It wasn't an attack, but she felt the need to defend her parenting. Whatever was going on with Rachel, it wasn't her fault. And as soon as she noticed something off, she brought her daughter to the doctor. No one had the right to question her mothering abilities. Sensibly, she knew that wasn't what was happening.

"I'm just going to advise you to look after her. Make sure she's eating. Give her larger portions. Make sure she eats before going to her dance class. If the tests come back clean and she doesn't seem to gain any weight back within the next month or two then I'd consider taking her to a nutritionist. But we can revisit that later." He took a deep breath and released a sigh as he finished with Beth's chart. "Her vaccinations are up to date. Everything seems to be ok." He said referring to the toddler, effectively turning the topic away from Rachel for the short while.

"Thank you. For everything."

"It's my job."

"It is."

"I'll see you at the next check up. Until then, just watch her." He didn't need to clarify the her in the situation. Obviously, it was Rachel. "We don't want her to get to a dangerous point, and right now, that's where she's headed. Keep a close eye on her and if things get any worse, just bring her in."

"I will." Shelby grabbed Beth, put on their coats, and headed back to the waiting room. When she got there, she couldn't see Rachel. Her eyes frantically searched the area looking for the brown locks in the small crowd of sick children and their parents. Where was she? "Rachel?" She called out with a quiet shout. She didn't want to bother the other occupants, and as far as she knew, there was no need to panic just yet.

"Excuse me, miss?" A light tap on her shoulder sent her spinning around to face the offender. Who dare disturb the mama bear on a hunt for her young? "Are you Ms. Corcoran? Rachel's mom?"

"That's me." She responded calmly, way more collected than she actually felt.

"Rachel asked me to let you know she's just outside." She was going to kill her daughter. She wanted to physically harm her. Rachel didn't understand rules. She just did what she wanted; consequences be damned. "She looks so much like you." The woman stared at Shelby creepily in awe. But the moment was cut short when the woman noticed Shelby's unamused glare. She just wanted to find Rachel. "You'll find her just outside. There's a patio area just to the left of the entrance."

"Thank you." Shelby didn't waste any more time. Following the woman's instructions, she followed the footpath through some shrubbery and onto the patio area. "Rachel?" She said once she spotted her from behind. "What are you doing out here? I thought I told you to wait for me in there."

"I'm sorry." Finally, she turned around. "It was just so crowded and loud. I needed some air." She was right. Shelby agreed. It was noisy with all the kids playing with the germ infested toys and the parents yammering away on their cell phones.

"I'll let it go, just this once. But next time, just stay where I ask. Ok?"

"Ok." Rachel stood from the bench, a gust of cold air brushing against her, and she clutched her jacket tighter against her body. "Are we ready to go now? I don't want to be late to class."

"Yes, we're going."

"So let's go." Rachel hurried away from Shelby and made her way to the car. She didn't see the point of any of it. What did going to the doctor, dealing with all that, and waiting really get them? What did it really accomplish? Nothing changed. It was just a pointless waste of both their time, and they were still at point A. Point B didn't even seem to be in sight.

Shelby didn't know what to think when Rachel pushed by her and rushed to the car. As far as she knew, nothing happened in the mere matter of minutes between Rachel's appointment and Beth's. So the only reasonable explanation for the mood was nerves. It was another try out day. While everyone got a part, Rachel wouldn't be satisfied with a lesser role. She wanted to be the best. She needed to be the best. So Shelby knew that it was a tough day. How she did that day and the results would just determine how their night went.

Pushing all thoughts of the discussion with the doctor and all worries on temporary hold, Shelby followed Rachel to the car and buckled Beth in her car seat before hopping behind the wheel and taking off. "Are you nervous?" She asked. She may have told herself to leave Rachel alone, to let the girl rest in peace instead of working her up before she had to dance and fight for a spot, but thinking it and doing it weren't the same thing.

"Why would I be?" Rachel faked the confidence she should've possessed. Normal Rachel wouldn't have an ounce of anxiety. Normal Rachel would've had the biggest smile on her face and walked into the studio demanding to know when the rehearsals officially began. But it had been established; normal Rachel didn't exist anymore. She was replaced by a lesser, far less amazing version. "Obviously I'm good enough to have a lead. Now it's a matter of how the teacher chooses to use my talent."

"Ok." Rachel was good at concealing her feelings, Shelby would give her that, but underneath it all, Shelby could still see the nerves getting to her. The way her leg was slightly bouncing, hardly perceptible, but still there, was a giveaway; one even Shelby couldn't miss.

When they got to the studio, Rachel quickly jumped from the passenger's seat and rushed to the trunk for her bag. As soon as she slammed the trunk shut, she expected Shelby to give a kind wave and speed off. She didn't expect her to turn of the engine, step out of the car, and take Beth from the back. "What are you doing?"

"I thought I'd watch you today." It wasn't uncommon for some parents to stay through the classes. It was even more common for those stage parents who insisted on being there, especially during that time of year. Parental attendance seemed to fluctuate around audition time. But Shelby never stayed. She never showed any interest in wanting to stay. So what changed? What was so different about that time? Why did she have to pick one of the most pressure filled days of the dance season to stay?

"Why?"

"Why what? Why am I staying?"

"Yes, why?"

"You don't want me to stay?" She sounded hurt.

"I didn't say that." Rachel was walking faster, like rushing into the studio would make Shelby disappear. She didn't need any distractions. It was a bad day for distractions. "I'm simply asking why you, all of a sudden, decided today would be a good day to barge in on my dance time." Her alone time… Her Shelby free time… Her push her limits time… Her time…

Not wanting to start an argument and understanding Rachel was stressed, Shelby gave an answer she knew would quiet the girl. "Just consider this part of your new regimen. It's not punishment, but you can take it however you wish."

"Could it start any other day but today?" Shelby's plan backfired. Instead of getting her to concede, it just fired her up. "I mean, really? Of all days to spring this, you pick today. I need to be focused. I don't need you watching me, starring... babysitting me." She glared at Shelby and her mother returned the same look. "What could I possibly do wrong in a room full of girls and two boys?" It was a serious question for her. What could she do? "You really don't trust me, do you? It's not like I'm going to pick a boy and we're going to run off and have sex in the corner. We wouldn't want an audience for that."

"Rachel, it's not that." It was like a light bulb was going off in her head and she was just hearing everything that Rachel said. "Are you having sex?"

"What?" Rachel was furious. She didn't want to have that talk and she sure as hell didn't want to be discussing it a mere few minutes before an important event. It felt like the world was against her. Or maybe it was just Shelby. Either way, she wanted to run. She wanted Shelby to leave and she wanted to get in the studio and kill it. She wanted to be a star. Having Shelby there wouldn't get her that. "Of all that, that's what you got?" She scoffed. "Are you serious Shelby? Am I having sex?" She couldn't believe it. The audacity of that woman was unbelievable. "And what if I was? What would you do about it?" In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best question to ask. An act of defiance usually led to consequences.

Shelby stopped dead in her tracks and reached out to grab Rachel's shoulder. "Are you?" Her eyes bore into her daughter demanding the truth.

"I can't believe you." Anger was rising, but she was doing what she could to tame it. "Why are you doing this to me? And why are you doing it now?" The words came out in a whine. She was frustrated and it was only adding to her already impacted emotions. "I have to go in there and focus. You're ruining everything! Why can't you just leave me alone?" In a huff, Rachel stormed into the studio and went directly to the dressing room. She was going to avoid Shelby as much as she could.

Out of respect for her daughter's wishes, and still feeling a little shocked by the outburst she didn't see coming, Shelby stayed stationary. She didn't follow Rachel in. Instead, she stood there and watched Rachel practically run into the building. What did she do wrong this time? All she wanted to do was show her daughter some support. Was that really so wrong? She considered Rachel not being thrilled by her presence, but she didn't expect that. At most she anticipated a little attitude, not whatever that was. Sighing, Shelby turned to Beth who looked as shocked and confused as she was. "We're going to figure her out. Aren't we Beth?" The blonde's confusion turned into the innocent smile only a toddler could possess. "We are. We're going to get Rachel to talk to us and get her to understand that we love her and support her."

"Rashel!" She was getting closer to the name. The "ch" sound was still hard for her, but her words were getting clearer.

"Yes Beth, Rachel." Once again, Shelby began walking. Beth demanded to be put down and Shelby complied. Apparently both her daughter's were stubborn and wanted things their way. At least Beth was simple. She just wanted to walk. And Shelby could easily give her that. She'd welcome that. Carrying Beth everywhere was a workout. So she complied and put her on the ground, taking the pale hand securely in her own. Together they walked.

Rachel didn't know what she was expecting to see when she finally came out of the changing room. Or maybe she did. She took her sweet time getting ready; there'd be no early practice that day so there was no need to rush. And she was avoiding Shelby. A part of her expected Shelby to ransack her way into the room and confront her about her poor attitude and ask her why she continued to behave so poorly even after several conversations, but that never happened. As relieved as she was that it didn't, to her that only meant that it would be worse once she headed out there to face the beast. Only she was wrong. Shelby wasn't there. Beth wasn't there. She was completely wrong. Searching the sea of parents and siblings just on the other side of the studio's windowed wall in the lounge area, she couldn't see them.

She never remembered feeling the way she felt then. Disappointment… This time it wasn't about disappointment in herself or something she did, although she was the ultimate reason that she was disappointed. No, it wasn't that. But she was upset that Shelby wasn't there. She cared, and the realization shocked her because not ten minutes before, she was pushing her mother away. And then, like so many times before, she was sad and hurt that Shelby wasn't there. But she could've been if Rachel wasn't such a horrible person and showed her mother that she actually did care. But she didn't. She didn't show it and she didn't care. That was what she convinced herself. Because she couldn't; she couldn't care without getting hurt in the end. She'd been hurt enough.

But she was hurting then, and it was all her fault. For years she had dreamed of having an attentive parent back. Years before she even knew Shelby was the face behind the dream and before she crushed said dream, she envisioned a mother watching her dance and doing things with her that a mother did with a daughter. Even before her fathers deemed her mature enough to be on her own, she still wanted her mother. And she had that then. It was in reaching distance and she was pushing it away. She ruined everything good in her life and Shelby was just another thing to add to the list. She'd ruin that too eventually. It was inevitable.

Her mind was messed up far beyond repair. She couldn't even see that what she wanted was there for the taking if she just accepted it. But she wasn't in a place to accept much of anything other than tips on how to maximize fat loss and the best ways to avoid major veins via anatomy 101. Everything she wanted was so close, but she couldn't take it. She wouldn't. Not only did she not deserve it, but it wasn't real. None of it was real. It was some mirage delusion she cooked up to deal with her issues Even the disappointment she felt was a contrived feeling; forced there so she could pretend Shelby really cared and that she was just looking for an excuse to do what she planned to do later. Yeah; that was what it was. She needed to believe only in the bad so when the good faded, the terrible that followed wouldn't hurt as much. She needed a clear head. Throwing her bag with the others, Rachel took a deep breath and hit the floor.

Surprisingly to Rachel, unsurprisingly to anyone else whose mind wasn't playing tricks on them, Rachel did really well at the first audition and even better that day. After stretching and warm-ups, Renee began with the hardest dance combination. It was an original number from the ballet she helped choreograph. She and the other instructors worked really hard to create the recital, so getting the dances down quickly and easily were necessary skills for survival. It didn't take long for her to master the difficult combo. Most of the technique was made up of moves she had been working on separately for weeks. So getting it was only a matter of putting it together. That wasn't too hard. And as great as she was, as well as she did, she still felt like a loser. Everyone was better than her. Blondie in the corner leaped higher than she did. The female Kurt in front row had cleaner lines. Rainbow Brite was just perfect at everything, and her turns… They were flawless. How could Rachel compete with such imperfection coursing her veins?

The only answer she could think of was that she couldn't, but she had to. She had to; not only to prove something to herself, but to show she was still worth something. And, while in her mind she was worthless, a part of her still wanted to prove she was worthy of something. It sounded ridiculous, most of her thoughts did, but she couldn't help it. Reason and logic and all that good stuff went out the window long before she got this far into her psychosis. At that point, it was more about making her own brand of common sense and then making that work. All that aside, she just wanted to be good at something, to be worth the false praise people occasionally threw at her. It was like she owed it to them. Most of all, she owed it to her fathers to be something better than what she was. She owed it to them to prove their money spent on dance lessons and voice training wasn't all a waste. And that need went far beyond the race to get a lead in a Lima ballet performance. But that felt like a stepping stone to Broadway. And even if it wasn't, it was a win in her book. She just had to get there first. That meant working her butt off at that audition.

Working hard was what she did. It was the only thing she could do to have any control over the situation. She couldn't control the role assignments. She couldn't control where Shelby was at that moment. There wasn't any controlling the other dancers. She couldn't control what the instructors were thinking. The only thing she could control was her. She could control the effort she put forth and what she showed to her audience. If that meant working through the ten minute water break after an hour of strenuous sweat inducing activity, then that was what she was going to do.

Renee was talking to Kara and Tom, the other instructors working on the big performance. The younger kids would get their own time before the big show, but the older kids competed for the best spots. Their dance school wasn't traditional, but they needed something to motivate Lima's masses. It worked well. Anyway, they were discussing the most prominent dancers when she noticed Rachel still going. "Will you excuse me for a minute?"

"Sure, we'll fill you in later." Tom told her before continuing the discussion with Kara and allowing Renee to check up on her star pupil.

"1, 2, 3… No, that's not right." Rachel scolded herself as she continued to perfect the moves and counts. She thought she was alone in her bubble just using the extra time to her advantage. As everyone else was slacking off, she was unrelenting.

"Rachel." She called out to the young girl who, even with her reflection next to Rachel's in the mirror, had remained oblivious to her closeness. Hearing the voice startled Rachel from her numbered chants. Quickly, she looked up from her feet and to the mirror.

"Geez Renee." Her hand went to her heart. "You scared me."

"What are you doing Rachel?" Ok, she was officially confused. Renee's tone wasn't harsh. If Rachel really examined it, she'd find concern, but she was just confused.

"What do you mean? Did I do something wrong?" Again… "I was just practicing."

"I know Rachel, but don't you think you're going a little over the top with this?"

"Impossible; I need to practice to get it right."

"You're doing really well." Lie.

"Thank you."

"But… But you need to rest too."

"I did." Defenses were rising again. She didn't understand why everyone was attacking her work ethic. Why did she constantly have to defend herself?

"Did you even get some water?" No.

"Of course I did."

Skepticism aside, Renee continued. "You're one of my best dancers Rachel." Lie. "But I need you to take care of yourself. Every time I see you, you're pushing yourself harder and burning yourself out." She wanted to add in that Rachel looked sick. Although faint, it looked like the form fitting leo showed off her lack of womanly curves. Bones were the new cleavage.

"I am not."

"You are, but I want to make sure you're healthy and strong so that when I put in my recommendations, I know that you're a dancer I can count on to be strong and know that you'll be there come performance time." Great! Yet another thing she was ruining. Another thing she was messing up. "Because you're good enough Rachel." It was like she knew Rachel needed to hear that. "You're going to do amazing things one day, but here and now, you need to take a break, you need to keep hydrated, and then you need to get back on that floor and keep showing all the other girls what real talent and hard work gets you." She was feeling the lightheaded rush. A little water couldn't hurt.

"Ok." Her voice was quiet, but powerful. She so wanted to believe that. She wanted to believe she was good enough, that she was talented, and that she was better than any other girl in the class, but she couldn't. So as quiet as it was, it had to come out powerful or Renee would know she didn't actually believe a word that was spoken.

Renee smiled. "Ok, good." She gently patted Rachel's shoulder and gave her a, literal, friendly push in the right direction. "Go get some water and get back out here."

"I will." She had to. Renee was watching. What other choice did she have?

Despite the watchful eyes, Rachel quickly took a drink and got back to her private rehearsing. She should have listened, but once again she thought she knew better. The second hour and a half was sloppy. Her lines weren't well defined, her toes weren't perfectly pointed, her turns were off balance, and her fluidity was gone. There was absolutely nothing good about her performance and that devastated Rachel. She had let herself down. She had let Renee down, her dads and Shelby too, and all she wanted to do was go back to Shelby's, crawl into bed, and sleep the night away; a few detours in between.

After a few fumbles and missteps, Rachel had enough. As soon as Renee said they were done for the day, she was ready to leave. She didn't even change. She just threw on her sweats and jacket that were in the water bag, not switching into real shoes, and rushed out the door completely ignoring the instructor's calls and opting not to stay for the encouraging speeches that were sure to follow. They were predictable. Tom, Kara, and Renee would gather the group and give the same speech they gave every year. "You were all amazing today." Kara would begin. "And you're making our decision very difficult."

"We're proud of all of you. You did good. We're going to have to take some time to discuss this." There'd be a few things thrown in; some goodwill gestures and cliché sayings. It was all about the uplifting pep and stuff, and on a normal day Rachel would eat it up, throw around her confidence and tell the others what they were saying was true and that when they gave her the lead that they should heed the advice given.

Finally, Renee would rein them all in. "Everyone worked hard. All of you deserve this, but we're going to have to choose, so we're going to take some time and talk it out. All of you bring so much to the table, and you're all so talented. So whether you get one of the leads or not, you should all be proud. Go home, rest up, and we'll see you tomorrow with our final decisions." She'd flash a genuine smile and wave them all off. "Get going. See you tomorrow."

There wasn't any need to stick around for that. So as Renee called after her, she just continued on as if she didn't hear anything. Whipping the door open, she nearly hit Shelby with it. "What the hell?" She screamed before seeing who did it. "What's your prob…? Rachel?" The anger was gone, but the concern grew. "Are you ok?" Nothing but the sounds of Rachel's heavy footsteps stomping against the concrete. "Rachel, what happened?"

"Nothing happened!" She exclaimed, stopping for only a second to make sure Shelby understood they wouldn't be talking about it. "Can we just go? I have homework to do."

"We can go, but we're going to talk about this later." Apparently, they were going to have plenty to discuss that coming Friday. Rachel didn't put up much of a fight. There was an angry sigh and a slammed door, but Shelby expected worse from her volatile daughter, so in the end, she was thrilled.

"Where were you?" Although she was bitter about Shelby's disappearing act, she'd never let it show. Instead of harsh and angry, the question was more curious in nature. It was a kinder way to cover up her true intentions and hide what she was really feeling.

"When?"

"While I was in dance? Where'd you go?"

"Oh, I got a phone call. I didn't want to be one of those rude parents that sit there with no respect for others and just annoy everyone by taking the call." That was all true, but that didn't really explain where she was. She got a call, but she was already at the boutique right next door shopping for some new clothes when she got it. Truth was that she was hurt. Rachel didn't want her there and was fighting her; she just couldn't be there. But she also didn't see a point in leaving, so she decided to shop instead. There were several businesses around. A little retail therapy and some groceries later, and it was time well spent. She was still hurt, but at least she was semi productive.

"Who called?"

"I think that's something we'll save for Friday." Another thing that would fester inside Rachel; curiosity killed the cat.

"Whatever." It wasn't snarky or rude, it was defeat. Rachel didn't have the will to fight for answers. She just gave up.

Back at home, Shelby watched Rachel carefully. She made an extra big serving of hearty, carb overload, yet healthy vegan pizza. Even Shelby enjoyed it, so it was worth the extra effort since they all enjoyed it and it meant Rachel ate. However, Rachel gave her a dirty look when she placed the plate down. There were two slices in front of her, both double the size they normally were. Something was up. She could only think that Dr. Cantor had something to do with it. Doctors weren't her friend. People in general weren't her friend. So why should a doctor she knew all her life, someone she was supposed to trust, be any different? Answer: he shouldn't. And even more to the point, she should have known it was too simple. Devious and prepared as she was with the weights and leotard, she still somewhat trusted him. Obviously, trusting him or anyone was a bad idea. Trusting never got her anywhere. But wasn't there some sort of confidentiality agreement in place? What did he say to Shelby that had her literally counting the number of bites she took and timing how long she chewed? Doctors… They were just out to get people; definitely not a friend.

"Why are you watching me?" Rachel finally got up the courage to confront Shelby.

"I'm not." Her statement was more of a question. She was lying and asking if it was believable; not intentionally, but that was how it came out.

"You are, and it's creepy." She threw her full napkin down onto her plate. "May I be excused? I'm still gross from dance and I need to shower before finishing my homework."

"When you're done, you can go."

"I'm done." She insisted.

"You didn't even finish one piece." Shelby pointed to the still full plate as further evidence.

"That one piece could feed an entire third world village. Maybe it couldn't feed the whole country, but a small village could eat for a week. One bite would probably be more than they had eaten in a while." That explanation wasn't getting her anywhere, but she was desperate to get out of there. She only had a few minutes to patch up her cuts that were reopened during class and she was pretty sure she didn't do a great job. Blood would be seeping through her clothes any second. "Just like everything else in my life, I suck at that too." She thought. "I'm not hungry. When I'm nervous I can't eat." Partly true; it was more like she just couldn't keep what she ate down. "And I'm nervous now." She didn't want to admit it, but she didn't want to give the other reasons for not eating.

"Why are you nervous?"

"Results are official tomorrow and I don't know how I did. I'm just anxious I guess. Does this mean I can go now?"

"No."

"What?" They were doing so well.

"Finish that slice and then you can go." That wasn't the best way to start off the doctor's advice. She folded the first round, but compromise was better than brawling.

She couldn't eat anymore. "But I'm not hungry."

"I'm not going to argue with you. Eat it and you can go after you do the dishes or we can stay here until you clear everything on your plate." There was no room for leeway. Rachel could see her mother's conviction.

"You win." She, without pause, reached down to the half eaten pizza and chomped away. In seconds there was nothing but crumbs left of it and with a mouth full of food she looked to Shelby. "Good?"

Face crinkled with a look of horror, Shelby said, "That's disgusting Rachel." She felt disgusting, so what was the real difference? Sooner or later Shelby was going to see the putrid creation that was her daughter anyway. Better sooner than later to learn the truth. "Just go… Go to your room and do what you need to do." It was a long day. "I'll do the dishes just for today because Beth and I aren't done. Just remember lights out at nine."

"What? We didn't agree to that." She stood abruptly from the table.

"We didn't agree on a lot of things, but I'm telling you and that's the way it is."

"Great! Frickin' great." Quietly, so Shelby couldn't hear, Rachel whispered, "You're the bitch and I get in trouble. That's so unfair."

"What was that?"

"I said I'm going to my room." She snapped and ran directly to her bathroom.

Shelby checked on her later that night, after Rachel went through all her rituals, cleaned herself up, and hopped into bed. She knocked gently on Rachel's door but received no answer. The room was dark, lights off and blinds shut. "She actually listened to me?" Shelby sounded smug; surprised and smug. Rachel was tucked into bed, almost every inch of her body covered by blanket as Shelby made her way toward her. Sitting, she reached a hand to Rachel's head and ran it kindly through her hair. Fighting the urge to tense and flinch away from the touch, Rachel did her best to stay calm and just listen. "I know things are rough between us, but we're going to make it." Shelby continued her loving strokes. "We're doing better every day. And I know you can't hear me, and you wouldn't want to hear it even if you could, but I love you Rachel. I love you Rachel, and deep down, I know you love me too." Slightly opening her eyes, releasing the tension that came from squeezing them so tight, she realized for the first time that her sleeve wasn't rolled down. In her hurry to conceal her disobedience and make it seem like she was in fact in bed on time, she forgot to roll it down. Exposed for the world to see were two bright red and raw cuts on her forearm further illuminated by the tiniest sliver of moonlight that spotlighted the issue. So, so stupid… She wanted to panic, but she didn't want to give up the ruse yet. Moving at snail speed, mere millimeters a minute, Rachel shifted her arm's position to hide the evidence. Luckily, just as Shelby leaned in to kiss Rachel's cheek and was seconds away from the perfect view, the older woman's movement's allowed the perfect moment to twist her arm so the cuts faced the bed and not Shelby. It was a relief. Pulling away from Rachel, Shelby spoke one last time. "Sleep tight baby girl. Mommy loves you."

As Shelby left the room, Rachel released a single tear that ran down her cheek. She was fighting it. She didn't want to cry. Hearing Shelby say that shouldn't have made her cry. Nothing Shelby related should've made her cry. And yet, it did. It bothered her. How could words she always wanted to hear bother her so much? _"Mommy loves you."_ Yeah right. No one loved her.

"Mommy thinks you're a loser. She didn't mean any of it." She said aloud, but not loud enough for Shelby to know she was awake and talking to herself. There didn't need to be anymore reasons for Shelby to think less of Rachel. Any lower and she'd be dead and buried. Maybe things would be better then. Or worse? She could spend eternity in the underworld burning in the scolding hell fires. She didn't know. What was really out there? What happened after death?

For some reason, finding out seemed appealing, but she wasn't ready for that just yet. There were still things she needed to do, dreams she needed to conquer. Rock bottom hadn't quite hit yet, but when it did, it was going to be bad. At that very moment, though, she just wanted to get through the night. Not able to keep them at bay any longer, a flood of silent tears slid from her eyes until the point of exhaustion. Crying was a workout. She kept crying until she fell into an uneasy sleep.

The next day Rachel found out that she got a lead in the recital. Starting that Sunday, she'd be learning her new role which included a dance solo. Only three people got those; two girls and one guy. She was one of the lucky few. She was thrilled when she found out and honestly couldn't believe it. Everyone else was better than her. She had no idea how she got it. How could she have messed up so often and done so terribly and still got it? She didn't know, but she was happy. The happiness was temporary. It just meant more pressure. She was going to be on that stage for all to see, point at, and laugh at. So it was time to get serious. Shelby's watchful eyes or not, she couldn't go stuffing her face anymore. Workouts needed to be pumped up. Shelby had been ragging on her more about eating since the doctor and making sure the elliptical was not in use on dance days. Not even a full day later and she had said something about eating more than a dozen times. Even so, Rachel knew what she had to do. She was going to take her victory and twist it up. It was one down, a hundred more obstacles to go. That meant pushing harder and doing more. She needed to prove that she deserved the spot and that they made the right choice. She was the right choice. Shelby wouldn't stop her. Humoring her mother was something she learned to do and would continue to do, only better and she was sure to make a show of it. If she was going to do it, she was going to go all out.

Next thing she knew, it was time for their Friday night dinner and conversation. There was a lot to talk about, there was a lot to be discussed, and many things that needed to be addressed and dealt with, but some things were untouchable. In no uncertain terms was Rachel going to come close to opening up and divulging her deepest secrets, but there was some holding back that she was ready to release. There were some things she was ready to get off her chest. And maybe she'd never be ready for the rest, but she was trying; in her own way, she was trying. Even in her sordid state of mind, she wanted to be a daughter Shelby would want and could be proud of. That was all she wanted.

Shelby thought a public venue would be best for the event. She didn't know if it was going to be a big blow out or a civil conversation, but she thought the chances for the former decreased if they were in public. Breadstix was too close to home though. Too many of Rachel's friends would be around because it was such a local hangout, and she didn't want Rachel to hold back because of it, so she settled on somewhere else. It was a bit of a drive, but Shelby found a vegan bistro the next town over. She thought it would show Rachel that she cared and listened and there would be no excuse for her not to eat.

Knowing Beth was safe at home with a babysitter, Shelby went into the restaurant with as clear a mind as possible. It would be the first of many of those dinners, but she wanted to start it out right. They didn't have to delve straight into the deep seeded insecurities and abandonment issues. They didn't have to go too heavy too quickly, but she wanted it to work. Shelby needed to know what was going on in her daughter's life and in her mind. And Rachel needed to know that Shelby truly loved her. That was the point of the so called punishment; nothing more, nothing less, but if it led to greater things, Shelby would happily accept it.

"So?" Rachel began after ten minutes and a car ride of silence. She couldn't take it any longer.

"So…"

"What are we supposed to do here?"

"Eat and talk." Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed. It wasn't going to be easy. She was hoping Shelby would carry the conversation and she'd put in the occasional due, but Shelby wanted her to do all the talking. The end result was stalemate. "I want this to be as natural as possible. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about."

"Whatever?"

"Whatever you want… within reason."

"What was that phone call about?"

"Which call?"

"When I was at dance you said you couldn't stay because you received a call and that we'd talk about it today. So unless that was a lie you made up as some sort of an excuse to get out of there, who was it?"

"Oh, right." There were two calls actually. One of them they'd discuss at a later date, but the other was more time sensitive. "The call was from Puck."

"Puck?" Surprised was the least of what she was feeling. "What did he want?"

"Well, before you came to live with me, we talked about him and Quinn coming to see Beth. They both visited once or twice, but then everything happened and we never got to iron everything out." One more thing to add to the list... She kept a baby from getting to know her birth parents. A terrible person; that was what she was. "Not long ago, he expressed some interest in seeing Beth again. I told him to call me."

"Ok." She didn't want to hear anymore. She was still mad at him for what he said, and she had yet to figure anything out. Seriously, what did she do? But that was neither here nor there. He was an ass. That was all she could see, but she put it aside because she was stuck working with him. Was her mother plotting against her? Sometimes it felt like it.

"I told him there were conditions to seeing her." Shelby was trying to engage Rachel further. She was proud that Rachel started the conversation, but she wanted more. Assuaging her into interacting wasn't effective, so Shelby just rambled on. "At first, he's not allowed to see her unless you or I are around."

"Why me?"

"Because I trust you to keep an eye on them and make sure everything's alright." Conditional trust; wonderful. When she wants something she trusts Rachel.

"Whatever."

"I figured he could start visiting either before or after you work on your project together. That's partly why I partnered you."

"Partly?"

"Another condition was that he needed to maintain at least a C average in all his classes and refrain from receiving any disciplinary punishment."

"Good for him." That was the end of that for her. Puck was not one of the ok topics she preplanned. He was supposed to be off limits. "He should be able to see her if that's what he wants." Unlike her who wanted nothing to do with her very own flesh and blood. Rachel wasn't worth it, but Beth was.

Neglecting to pick up on any hostility, Shelby just went on. "How's your project coming anyway?"

"Fine." They weren't talking. "We've set up an appropriate schedule which I'm sure you can discuss with Puck later." He wasn't Noah anymore and they weren't getting along, but he deserved to be a part of that little girl's life. He loved her in ways Rachel was never loved, and she wouldn't keep either of them from experiencing that because she was a little, a lot, angry.

"Good. If you need any help…"

"We don't." She quickly cut in.

"But if you do, I'm always there. You just need to ask." Not ever going to happen. Rachel was stubborn and persistent. She didn't need help and she wouldn't ask for it either.

"Moving on…" They continued to talk about nothing important. It was really just small talk to get them through. They were both surprised to realize how easy it was to talk to each other about the little things when there was no fighting or yelling. It was simple and normal like a mother and daughter should be, but that was slightly ruined. Once they ordered, things became a little tense. Rachel didn't appreciate Shelby's new found obsession with her food intake. She questioned food choices, watched as she ate; it was annoying and uncomfortable. It made Rachel want to do certain extracurricular activities that much more. But that'd be difficult with her mother's hovering. Every bite was monitored. Every stab of the fork was noted. She was surprised Shelby allowed her to feed herself. But she had a plan. Knowing Shelby would follow her to the bathroom afterwards, throwing up wouldn't be an option. So she ordered a salad as her side which she knew she could easily burn off the calories for, and she could conveniently get full and ask that the rest of her order be packaged for later. It would work out. She even brought a big purse with a baggie inside to hide the rolls she'd _eat_ in. It was all figured out.

"Why aren't you eating?" Salads were gone and the main course was in front of them.

"I'm stuffed already."

"You've barely eaten."

"Are you kidding? I've had like six rolls and my entire salad." She even ate, almost, a whole roll. She'd be paying for that later. The elliptical was going to make her its bitch.

"Eat a little more of your actual dinner please. We can get the rest to go." That little Shelby requested was taken care of via the napkin trick. Rachel was reluctant to do it in public. The restaurant didn't use the cheap paper napkins. They used cloth so some poor underpaid worker would have to scrub their wrinkled fingers hard against the delicate cloth to get the food stains off. Why couldn't it be a non eco friendly place so she didn't have to feel guilty about something she shouldn't have been feeling guilty about in the first place? What were a few more lost trees? And then, thinking that, she just felt worse and guilty for other reasons.

"Better?" Rachel asked incredulously, eyes wide with fake innocence. There was nothing innocent about what she was doing.

"It's fine. We'll get the rest to go and you can eat it later." Rachel played with her food as Shelby continued to eat hers. Not much was said in that time, but as Shelby was down to her last few bites, she decided to try conversation again. "So we talked about our weeks and the phone call. Is there anything else you want to talk about?" She was hopeful, but all she got was a shrug and groan. "Nothing?" There was something, but Rachel didn't really want to bring it up. Shelby could see there was something on her mind so she just stared through the silence.

"I miss my dads." She finally said.

"It's normal to feel that way. I'd be worried if you didn't. You'll always miss them." Rachel wasn't really listening. Whatever Shelby said was heard but not registered. She was more focused on the fact that she was willingly having an emotional conversation with her estranged mother in the middle of a vegan eatery while trying to duck out of eating. It was a lot to balance.

"But I realize now that I've been missing them long before the accident. This is just a more final type of missing. When they were there, it was great. They were great; the best fathers a girl could hope for, but as I got older, I saw les of them. So they were missing to me. They could've come back before, but now they can't. Before they didn't want to, kind of like you. They chose to walk away, but now they don't have a choice." She threw that comment in, not in a way meant to hurt Shelby, but to actually be honest. That was how she felt and honesty was what she wanted. Shelby was getting that however much it hurt her. "That's the bitch of living I guess. You deal with what you're dealt. My hand just happens to be short a few high cards, down a few kings and a queen." Definitely no aces that she could see.

"Rachel, I didn't…" Her saddened words were cut off.

"It's ok Shelby." It wasn't, but she accepted it. "I understand." No one wanted her. She got that. "You have Beth and that's what you wanted. She's your clean slate and I'm your murky water." Everybody's murky water… "You shouldn't feel bad about trying to start over." Without her… Why would she want Rachel to be a part of that? Everything about her was dirty and complicated. "Sometimes I wish I could start over."

Hurt feelings aside and motive clarifications on hold, Shelby wanted to know more. "Why's that?"

"Maybe we wouldn't be where we are. Maybe Hiram and Leroy wouldn't be ashes in the wind and a name engraved on a plaque of an empty urn. I don't know; things would be different. Maybe they'd be better."

"But then you wouldn't be with me." Isn't that what she wanted? "Terrible things happened, and I wish the events leading up to you coming to be with me were different, but I'm happy that you're with me and Beth." She wanted so bad to believe it. She wanted nothing more to believe it, but she didn't. However, she'd pretend she did. A mix of real and costume tears fell from her eyes. "We're a family now. You, me, and Beth." They were having an honest conversation and watching her daughter become so emotional made her feel gratified, whole, and real. "I want us to be a real family. I want a good, healthy relationship with you." Shelby reached across the table and gripped Rachel's hand to affirm her convictions. "I love you Rachel. You shouldn't doubt that. I love you just as much as I love Beth." For a while, Rachel didn't say anything. She relished in the, meant to be, comforting touch of her mother before pulling the hand away and wiping the tears from her eyes. It would be a mix of play and pretend for a while, but maybe it could eventually be real. Or maybe all the lies would just make it feel real. Lie enough and anything is believable.

"I don't know where we're going to end up, but I'm going to try. I want us to have some sort of functional relationship too." She didn't know if it was actually going to happen, but she meant the words she spoke. The relationship was something she always wanted and she owed it to Shelby to be better at it. And if things didn't work out, like she expected, and it turned out to be another façade in her life, then the saying stood true. Keep friends close and enemies closer. Shelby could just as easily fit either role.

**I finally had some sporadic alone time to write last week. The family went on a 21 and older day and I, being underage, was left at home to be designated babysitter. However, that was a week ago and since then, the site malfunctioned, I was sick, and I was an emotional wreck. Saying goodbye sucks. I literally cried for what felt like hours and stressed myself to the point of being sick. But I hope the wait was worth it. Here's an extra long chapter. **

**Thank you for being so patient with me and understanding my lax upload schedule. Things should be back to normal now; whatever normal is. I'll try to be more routine.**

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	24. Surprises from all People

Chapter 24: Surprises from all People

Things between the mother and daughter pair appeared to be getting better. The several days following their first talk were rather harmonious. That Saturday, the Corcoran Berry bunch took a day trip to an aquarium together and had a fun time. It was one of the first days they didn't get into some sort of argument; not a small one or a large one. They were just the picturesque family they wanted to be. But none of them would hold their breath. It had only been one day. That wasn't much time for the act to wear off and the novelty to fade. But they were going to enjoy the waves of happiness as they came.

Once finished at the aquarium, Shelby took Rachel and Beth to La Ballerine to pick up her order. "You don't have to come in." Rachel hoped Shelby wouldn't. She was trying, but too much time together and she'd instantly become the bad seed she knew she was. "I won't take that long. Quick; in and out."

"We can all go in." Shelby responded as she parked the car and unbuckled her seatbelt. "That way you can look around and make sure you don't need anything else and Beth could see all the pretty things." Shelby crooked her head to look towards Beth. "Won't that be fun?" The little girl giggled.

"Yeah, a whole lot of fun…" Rachel said it so quietly, no one could hear. She was trying, but it had only been a day and she was on the verge of failure. What did that say about her? How could she be the best daughter, the perfect daughter when she couldn't even get through one full day without the urge to snap or run away?

"Well, are you just going to sit there or are we going in?"

"I'm coming." Snatching her purse off the car seat, Rachel quickly caught up to Shelby and Beth.

They walked into the store and the bell above the door chimed instantly alerting the owners to their arrival. Rachel had no idea why, but they loved seeing her. She knew what she got out of being around them, they were the extended family she never had, but they didn't get anything out of being so kind and open with her. She should've been nothing more than a patron to them, but they took to her, embraced her, and made her feel welcome. She wished she was more like them. She wished she could be that way with the Corcorans. She had a whole family that she wasn't ready to meet.

Annette and Elaina rushed over to them with big smiles on. "Rachel, we're going to go look around. Find me when you're ready."

"Ok." Shelby could see that the women wanted some time with Rachel, and she was willing to give it.

They arrived, all bubbly and welcoming, just as Shelby was running off with Beth. "It's so good to see you again Rachel. And so soon."

"Well, you know I can't stay away from here and I had to pick up my leos."

"Hey, you just had auditions right?" getting a nod from Rachel, Elaina asked, "How'd they go?"

"Great apparently. I've got a wonderful spot." A genuine smile graced Rachel's delicate feature. Being around them almost always did that to her. "So, want to fit me for some new shoes?"

"Of course. Follow me." The three made their way to the back after Annette sent one of the other workers to man the front.

Subtle glances were exchanged every so often between the elder pair. They discussed Rachel several times since they last saw her. She was darker. The sweet little girl they knew and loved was different. And she looked so tiny. Something was wrong. And they really hoped it wasn't what they suspected it was. While Rachel was more of a singer than a dancer, she was still a girl and fell prey to the same pressures. A girl, or a guy, didn't need to want to grow up and be a Prima Ballerina to become a disease's statistic. Anyone was capable.

"So…" Elaina nervously began, but Annette gave her an encouraging bob of the head. "How have you been lately?"

"You mean since I saw you like a week ago?"

"Since or before then. How have things been at home?"

"They're going well Elaina. Shelby's… Well, we're getting used to each other." Less than ten minutes in and she was already spinning fiction. "And I have a sister now."

"You do?"

"Her name's Beth. She's just a baby though, so we don't do much. But we just went to the aquarium today."

"That's fun. You didn't tell us about her last time."

"She didn't really come up. That's all." She didn't want them reading too much into it. So she didn't mention Beth. Big deal. She also didn't tell them that she was having sex or that she pretty much hated her life. Some truths were overrated, but neglecting to mention Beth was just an accident. She didn't come up in conversation, and that was that; nothing more, nothing less.

Rachel could sense there was something on their minds; she just didn't know what it was. A part of her was afraid to find out. "Have you been sick?"

"No, why do you ask?" She knew where they were going then, and she thought they covered it last time.

"It's just that you're so tiny still Rach. And I swear you're even smaller now than you were last time."

"You don't have to worry about me." She assured them with a sigh. "I promise I'm perfectly fine. Even my doctor agrees with me." That had yet to be confirmed. "So stop it. I'm fine."

"Are you sure Rachel?" Annette stepped in, placing a hand on Rachel's scrawny shoulder and looking her right in the eyes. "Because if there's more." A deep breath for dramatic effect… "Then we're here for you. We'll help you however we can."

"I appreciate that. I really do." Rachel started as she stood up. She needed to get out of there. "But I'm fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me."

"We don't want you doing anything to hurt yourself. What you're doing can be dangerous." They knew they were jumping the gun. There was no definitive proof, but they've seen it one too many times before. People could die from that illness. People have. And they refused to let Rachel be one of them. So they'd step out of bounds and push the limits. That was the only way they could live with themselves. "We don't want you getting hurt." The way Rachel looked like a deer in the headlights basically confirmed their suspicions.

"I don't know what you think you know, but you don't know anything. I'm fine. I'm not hurting myself. No one's hurting me. Everything is just fantastic." Nothing she said was convincing.

"We're always here for you Rachel." Elaina repeated her mother's earlier sentiments.

"I know, but I've got to go." She grabbed the shopping bag her new leos were in off the floor and started rushing away. "Call when the new shoes are in."

They knew better than to follow after her. She was still in denial. The only thing they could do was try to get to Shelby before she did, and possibly let her in on their suspicions. However, Rachel would get there first. After running away from Elaina and Annette, Rachel hurried to find Shelby. She frantically searched through the aisles until she heard the tiny giggles of her little sister and sprinted toward them. "Come on Shelby. Time to go." There would be no more surprises. That mini intervention or whatever it was, was one surprise too many. And she didn't even see it coming.

"Why are you rushing?" She asked with a worried expression as Rachel grabbed her arm. "Did you get what you needed?"

"Yes." Rachel practically began dragging her and Beth out of the store. "I picked up my order and even put in for new shoes. We're all set. So let's go."

"Ok Rachel, calm down. There's no fire." It was a joke, but Rachel felt like she was running from a fire. And any minute, the flames would catch up with her and consume her whole. She just needed to get out of there.

"I just remembered that I have an assignment to finish and I have no time to do it tomorrow with dance and Puck and everything. So we need to hurry." She didn't know when exactly the lies started to come so easily. She didn't know when that happened or how, but it really came in handy and she wasn't going to turn her nose up at a good thing.

"Ok, we're going." Looking back, Rachel could see Annette and Elaina both standing at the end of the aisle they just exited. She managed to keep them from Shelby and breathed a sigh of relief, but it wasn't over. The contentment of escape wouldn't last long and there would be more obstacles to hurdle. She wasn't looking forward to them. Being her was exhausting. "What was that all about?" Shelby asked as they loaded into the car.

"What?"

"You. You were running out of there. Why?"

"I already explained why. I have work to finish and no time to finish it."

"Did something happen?" Why did she feel the need to push it? Rachel squeezed her fists in attempt to ward off the anger that was welling. No one would leave her alone and she desperately wanted to snap, but she reminded herself that the day was going so well and she didn't want to ruin it like she did everything else. She already, possibly, lost her friendships with two women she knew better and longer than her mother. Her fathers were dead. She had no friends. What else did the world want to take from her?

"Control yourself Rachel. Control yourself." She reminded herself. "Nothing happened Shelby. I'm tired. We had a long day. I remembered my assignment, and now I just want to get it done." Her knuckles may have been bloodless from the tight fist she was making, but at least she stayed calm. The act would live to see another day.

"Ok." Shelby picked up on her defensiveness and didn't really understand it. She was just being a concerned mother, wondering whether something was wrong with her kid. There was no reason for a shield. It wasn't a sword fight.

There was some mindless chatter on the way home; a little of this, a little of that. But it took some time before Rachel's hands weren't in fists and her temper calmed. She hadn't snapped, and she was happy with herself, but she still needed to get away. How did everyone in her life just assume that she was a problem? How could people just look at her and know that something wasn't right? She was tired of people seeing through her when all she was trying to do was cover up. Transparency wasn't attractive. And it sure wasn't a quality she wanted to possess. It also wasn't a great quality to have when there were so many secrets to keep hidden. Secrets that with time, would eventually come out, but she was going to prevent that as best and as long as she could.

The week carried on, all issues aside. With the exception of a few tiffs and spats about little things, they were doing alright. Rachel just took everything out on herself more, Holding her temper and doing her best to control the mood swings wasn't easy, but squeezing her fists until her nails dug so deep they drew blood from her palm or putting pressure on a healing wound until the original sting returned always seemed to calm her enough to get her through. Puck and Quinn even came over to see Beth. Rachel hid in her room to avoid as much time with them as possible. But once Quinn left and Shelby brought Beth to her room, Rachel hostilely worked on her project with Puck. And by work she meant spending the first half hour explaining and explaining what his part of the project was and giving him deadlines. The hour after that was silence between them as they did their own thing while keeping appearances of hard work for Shelby.

The doctor called with her test results on Thursday. Shelby informed Rachel of everything after dance as she dragged her to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Apparently, Rachel was anemic; something, Rachel knew, could also be attributed to her veganism rather than her eating disorder. There just wasn't enough iron in her blood. It was like her golden ticket. All the symptoms were very similar to those that, deep down she knew were really from her eating habits, she experienced after too much exercise and not enough food. Dizziness, lightheadedness, mood swings… It gave her more reason to carry on with what she was doing. If she got caught, she could blame the anemia. It was her red herring.

But there was more. "Dr. Cantor explained that some of your levels were off balance."

"And? What does that mean exactly?" Rachel asked not really nervous about the answer. As long as she could keep doing what she was doing, she really didn't care. Health be damned.

"He thinks… He's pretty sure that it has to do with your weight loss."

"What are you talking about?" Her question came out angry. She knew Shelby had been watching her recently. There was no denying that. So Rachel put on her show and appeased Shelby enough to get her to back off, but they never really got into an in depth conversation about her weight. If they did, Rachel wouldn't be able to control herself. She'd probably start screaming about how fat she was and that everyone kept saying they were there for her if there was something wrong, just like Annette and Elaina, but there was nothing wrong. She didn't want to discuss weight. That was a topic better left for her and her journal. It was no one's business but hers and people needed to respect that. And that included Shelby. Whether it was genuine concern or her trying to make up for lost mothering time, Rachel didn't care. She was fine. Shelby needed to get that.

"Rachel." There was that scolding tone again. Shelby didn't want to fight with Rachel either. She just needed her daughter to understand that she wasn't healthy and they needed to work on that. "He said that you need to eat more in general, but you also need more well balanced meals."

"I don't see the problem here. I eat highly nutritional meals; all of which consist of vegetables and grains and are full of nutrients. They're all healthy. That's part of being vegan. Why is that a problem?"

The entire ride home was a lecture from Shelby explaining that, while she had been eating more than she had when she first moved in, she wasn't eating enough. Shelby dished out an answer to all of Rachel's rhetorical questions; the ones she asked just to get Shelby to stop. Mostly, however, Rachel just leaned back into the head rest and pretended to listen. Whatever Shelby was spouting, she was sure it wasn't as important as the scenery she was staring at. Nothing she did seemed to deter Shelby's incessant ranting. And when she continued, even as they pulled into the driveway and made it into the house, Rachel had enough.

"If I promise to stuff my face will you stop with the lecture?" The question came out as an exacerbated plea. She just wanted Shelby to shut up. In that long hour, from dance to the pharmacy and lastly to the house, she heard more words from her mother's mouth than she had, in total, over prior years. And then the surprising and unwelcomed topic didn't lighten the mood.

With a deep sigh Shelby replied, "Fine, for now I will." As soon as Rachel gave a small smile of accomplishment and was about to leave, Shelby spoke again. "But… But you have another doctor's appointment in two months. If you haven't put any weight on by then… well we'll discuss that then. Let's just say it will be dealt with however necessary." Great, another surprise.

"Ok." Just continue to smile Rachel. Play it cool. She couldn't let Shelby see how much the words affected her. They weren't cruel words, not to a normal person, but to Rachel they were the equivalent of any insult. The world wanted her to be obese. The world wanted her to suffer at the hand of her own failure. She wouldn't allow that. It didn't matter what anyone else wanted or what they expected, that was one thing she would make no effort to compromise on. If there was any change in her weight, it would be a loss, not a gain and the world that seemed so against her would just have to accept that.

Composing herself just enough to make it to her room, Rachel finally let it out. There was some huffing and groans and screaming into pillows; nothing to alert Shelby to her mini breakdown. Without hesitation, she reached under her desk for the hidden razor. Finding an untouched piece of skin on her forearm was hard, but she managed it. And once she did, there wasn't an ounce of reluctance before she dragged it across the vacant lot and watched an angry red liquid army flow freely from her arm. It was just the release she needed.

Fixated on the dripping life force, she didn't realize how much time had passed until her thoughts, or lack thereof, were interrupted. "Rachel, dinner."

"Crap." She said aloud to herself as she noticed the new stain on her carpet and the blood still seeping. "I'll be right there." There was little hope that her voice didn't sound panicky. She just hoped that Shelby didn't pick up on it or just thought it was Rachel being Rachel. Whatever she thought, she didn't come, and, for that, Rachel was grateful. "First the wound, then the carpet." She thought and got moving. If she took too long Shelby would come looking and that was not something she could let happen.

Hurriedly, she cleaned herself up. Her arm was becoming a breeding ground for scars and cuts. She was reluctant to use the other arm as a canvas. There was still a part of her that was afraid to cut too deep and she had less control with her left hand. She had done it before, and those cuts always bled the longest. It may have felt great in those few moments where she threw caution to the wind, but she wasn't ready to die yet. Sometimes, though, she couldn't help it. Her emotions just got the best of her.

Anyway, after doing a rough patch job and spraying stain cleaner on the carpet, Rachel rushed to the kitchen. There was no avoiding it. Food wasn't her friend, it was her enemy, but she had to live with it or deal with Shelby. She wasn't sure which was worse. Fortunately, Rachel got down there just as Shelby was about to come up. Crisis averted. Dinner went off without a hitch. A phone call interrupted the meal and Shelby excused herself from the room long enough for Rachel to empty a majority of her plate into the trash without looking suspicious. Overall, the dinner didn't suck. There was little conversation and Shelby didn't really watch her at all. She got away with all her tricks. It was great, but she did notice Shelby was acting a little strange, like the phone call rattled her or something. It seemed like she wanted to ask something or say something to Rachel but was too nervous to do it.

Whatever it was, Rachel was thankful for the shift in focus. She was free to do whatever without threat of Shelby. And she took full advantage of it. The stain was still there, starting to set and staring her right in the face, when she returned to her room. Cleaning time… A little elbow grease and rough scrubbing and it was almost good as new, or passable. At least there wouldn't be any trace evidence; a conspicuous stain would be hard to explain if Shelby ever saw it. That would be another thing to add to the list of many things she wouldn't be able to explain or talk her way out of.

It didn't matter. It was cleaned and all that was left was tending to her cuts. The patch job got her through dinner, but it wasn't meant to hold. She escaped Shelby just in time because the sleeve of her shirt was no longer its original hue. What was once pale blue turned a dark shade of rich red. She barely escaped capture. If Shelby had seen… Rachel didn't even want to think about what would have happened. So she didn't, and the rest of the night went easy.

And then it was Sunday. Puck came over that day. They only had another week to work on their project so they needed to get it done. First, however, Rachel had dance to go to. Shelby dropped her off and returned home to find Puck already there waiting on her doorstep.

"What are you doing here? Rachel's not back for another few hours." She said clutching Beth at her hip and used the other hand to search for the right key.

"I know. I was just…" He hated that he had to beg for time with his daughter. "I was hoping to see Beth again, before Rachel got back."

Shelby wanted to say no. There were rules, but the look on his face told her he needed it. "You can come in Noah; just don't make a habit out of this. We schedule these things for a reason."

He got a yes. He was happy. "I know. Thank you."

Shelby gave them their space, keeping watch from a safe distance. He wouldn't hurt her, so a little alone time wouldn't do any harm. But she was still a cautious mother when it came to the toddler so she'd definitely keep aware of every move. Puck was aware of her too. There was a lot on his mind, but he knew Shelby was close by watching him and he didn't want her to think he was crazy. So his thoughts remained just that; silent words floating through his mind.

Ever since their blowout or whatever it was, Rachel had been on his mind a lot; more than he cared to admit. Every time he tried to talk to her anything other than their assigned topic, and she would only talk to him or listen when they were working on their project, she just reminded him that it wasn't time to socialize. They were partners in class and nothing else. It was a slap in the face. Like it was his fault… She was the one all over Finn. She was in his bed.

All he wanted to know was why. The Puckerman was more than good enough. So what was with girls and their obsession with Hudson? Finn was an ogre where he was a stallion. He just didn't get it. He and Finn may have been buds, but Puck would never understand why all girls fell for him. With Rachel, someone he had formed a friendship, which neither could admit was more than benefits, with, he thought she was over him. It appeared like she was until he saw them in bed together. Granted, he never gave her the chance to explain. He just turned up the douche bag to high and said things he probably shouldn't. He was feeling things he didn't want to feel for Rachel and he let the anger get the best of him after seeing her with Finn.

He was a man. He was allowed to get jealous. But he knew he needed to get her side of things and attempt to work things out.

That was hard, though, when she wouldn't even allow him the leeway to apologize. Her words got to him. Her calling him Puck and not Noah got to him. The distance after getting so close got to him. Everything about Rachel was getting to him, especially because he knew she was struggling. He didn't know what it was that was going on, but he knew she was struggling with something. He wanted to be someone she could turn to, but she wouldn't give him the chance.

So he had a plan to make her give him the time of day; a surprise. They were going to work things out. All he needed was Shelby's permission and a little bit of time. That seemed reasonable. So she was grounded; whatever. There were ways around every rule. His specialty was finding them.

As his time with Beth was coming to an end, Puck sought out Shelby. Time to find the way around the rule… "So, you're going to go pick up Rachel?"

"Yes Noah, I'm not going to make her walk home."

"Right…" He had to make her drag it out of him. Things tended to work better that way.

"Is there something on your mind?"

"I can watch Beth while you go." Plan 1: Real alone time with Beth.

"I don't know."

"It's ten minutes, we'll be fine Shelby."

"Fine." She reluctantly agreed, but there was more. His face told her there was more. "What else is on your mind?"

"Can Rachel come out after she changes and does whatever girls do after dancing?"

"She's grounded. I'm sure she told you. She's not allowed out of the house unless I'm with her."

"I know, but we need to go to the library. The school didn't have the books we needed so we have to go to the public library." He threw in an eye roll and some other slacker moves at the mention of the library. Shelby was impressed he even knew where it was. He probably vandalized it at one point.

"I don't know." She wasn't sure she bought it. Rachel probably put him up to it to get out of her punishment.

"We're going to a library, not a party. Lighten up."

"She can go with you, but you have to bring her home by six for dinner." He needed more time for his plan to work. There was no way they could get there, hash things out, and get back by then.

"I can take her to dinner." He suggested and Shelby looked at him curiously. "Not like a date or anything, but I'll make sure she eats and I'll have her back by ten." That was late.

"I don't think so."

"Look, I'm Puck. I don't do libraries. People see me there and my rep is ruined. I want to finish all the book crap now so we don't have to do it later. The less time I spend there the better. So please?"

"Have her well fed and home by nine." That was her compromise. The fact that Noah was actually doing work made her want to give them the time away to do it.

"Deal." Plan 2 in progress… Shelby' approval received. Next up was phase two, Rachel's involvement. That was the tricky part. But it would come to fruition.

Shelby took a good five minutes to push out the door, but once she was gone, he got quality time with his daughter. "You're gorgeous." He whispered to her. Being with her was so easy. He loved her, and he always wanted to be with her. He just had to remind himself that being with Shelby, and Rachel by default, was what was best for her. Sitting there, talking to her, playing games with her; it was all so simple, so perfect, and easy. Life outside of that room just wasn't like that.

Time seemed to zip by. In no more than the blink of an eye, they were back, Rachel was showered and changed, and it was time to go. "You ready?" He asked her.

"Yeah, let's get working." She responded obliviously. Not knowing he meant leaving the house, she began unpacking her bag.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting everything ready."

"No, we're leaving." What was happening? Rachel wasn't in the mood for anymore surprises.

"I'm grounded Puck." There it was again, like a stab in the heart. Puck… "I can't leave."

"I got permission" Rachel was wary at best. "You're going to want to come with me. I swear." She still didn't want to move. "Just trust me." What she said in response killed him.

"I don't." But she left with him anyway. After a quick stop at his house that Rachel refused to pay any attention to, they were on their way. It took nearly thirty minutes before she realized they were nowhere near the intended destination. At first, she thought Puck just got turned around; got lost because he never actually went anywhere near the building in fear of actually learning something or being forced to read a book. "Where are you going Puck? I thought we were going to the library."

"That's just what I told Shelby."

"What?" Anger, lot's of anger…. "If she finds out, I'll never get off house arrest!" And she'd only ever be able to run in the dead of night with creepy serial rapists and murderers running rampant. "I can't stay trapped in that house any longer than I have to!" She was really considering hitting him, but that would most likely cause his hand to jerk and an accident to occur. Then Shelby would undoubtedly find out and her punishment would be extended to infinity and beyond.

"Relax Rachel." He made a patronizing breathing motion. "I got it all figured out. Just enjoy the surprise." Because surprises always worked out well for her. They really didn't.

"Right, you have everything figured out."

"What is your problem?" She hadn't been doing it purposely, not always purposely, but while they were working, she tended to throw in some snide remarks intended to get under his skin. And while in a moving vehicle, trapped with him, it seemed like the perfect time to get her to listen.

"You are my problem."

"Why?" Get her to talk; he had to get her to keep talking to him.

"You have no consideration for anyone else." The doors were open; all the thoughts she was holding in were threatening to come out. She couldn't control it anymore. She tried, but she was quickly losing the battle. "It's always about you. The big bad Puck gets what he wants; everyone else be damned." She mocked.

"Hold up there Rach…"

"No Puck!" His name came out in pure animosity. "I'm sick of it…. of you… of everyone… of everything." He had a feeling she wasn't just talking about him.

"I don't get you."

"What's there to get?"

"One day we're in bed together and the next thing I know you're all over Finn. Did you sleep with him too?"

"What kind of question is that? Who or what do you think I am?" Realization suddenly hit her. "That's what this is all about? The party?" She huffed. "You saw me with Finn." He just glared at her while simultaneously trying to keep an eye on the road.

"Hell yeah, you were all over him. Cuddled up in his bed…" Venom spewed with each word. He didn't like the thought of her with Finn, not after she had been with him. "Was he better than me?"

"You men and your ego..." Everything about this was stupid. Neither knew the other's truth. "It's ridiculous. You don't even know what happened? But how'd you even see us anyways? You were with Quinn all night? What were you two doing?" Nothing about their conversation was nice or civil. But it was what it had to be. In order to move past it all, they had to get it out in the open.

"Shit Berry, I wasn't with Quinn, but even if I was it wouldn't be your business. What I do with chicks got nothing to do with you."

"Obviously it does. We were sleeping together. I deserve to know what skanks you were with on the side; what diseases they might have shared." She took the angry glance she got as incentive to push it further. "I think I deserve to know what parting gift I may have received."

"Right and you're little miss perfect. You didn't hop from one bed to the next." That wasn't what he envisioned when he thought up the plan.

"I didn't!" She screamed.

"I saw you." He quipped back.

"No!" Eyes squinted in anguish; she turned to him and bore holes into his head. "You saw what you wanted to see. What you really saw was a drunk and sleeping Finn squeezing me so hard I had no choice but to stay. What you saw was him forcing a kiss and me, respectfully, rejecting him. That was what you saw."

He was dumbfounded. He was positive they were together that night. Finn even hinted at it to him in the locker room. "But you… and he…" What the hell was supposed to come out of his mouth? He was a bitch to his friend because of something that never happened.

"Exactly… I'm done talking with you." She declared. "Just take me back."

"We don't have to talk right now, but you have to come with me." He may not have said the right thing and he wasn't about to go declaring love neither of them felt, but he was going to show her they were friends; that they were more than bed buddies. He needed her to understand that there was more to them.

"No." She was adamant, but she wouldn't get her way.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes Rachel. I worked hard on this and you're coming." They argued back and forth for a while, but, after threatening to jump out of a speeding car, Puck just turned on the child safety locks and sped up. It would be a long and quiet drive, but they'd get there.

The next hour and a half, give or take some time, was eerily silent. At most, a few glares were shared; mostly Rachel glaring at Puck. She had enough of the bad surprises to last a life time and she didn't need Puck adding to the stress. Even the music couldn't break the tension. But they made it to their destination. Somewhere along the way, Rachel appeared to doze off, so as they pulled into the lot and parked, Puck gently jostled her body in attempt to wake her. She had been awake though, just pretending to sleep. She was avoiding anymore talking.

"Come on, we're here."

"Where's here?" She had yet to open her eyes.

"Look outside and you'll know." He knew she'd like this surprise and if all went well, they'd have a real friendship, relationship… something afterwards.

**Small delay in uploading. This chapter was giving me trouble and I had to take some time to finish a painting I was working on. I don't feel great about this one, but everything that happened in this chapter and the next, happened for a reason. It all ties into the next few chapters after.**

**I'm surprised no one picked up on the small homage to Lea and Spring Awakening last chapter. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	25. Reconciliation and Whatever This Is

Chapter 25: Reconciliation and Whatever This Is

"Look outside and you'll know." Following directions, she did what was asked of her. Roosevelt Park… A tear fell from her eye. Quickly she wiped it away. He didn't need to see that. She didn't want him to see that. It was important that, even if she wasn't, she appeared strong. Looking around and seeing everything just made her think about the last time they were in a park together; the actual park not the parking lot to a park. She ended up in the hospital. That wouldn't happen again. Instead of saying anything, she just continued to look around and wonder why exactly they were there before turning to Puck with a questioning expression. "Let's go." That was all he said as he walked out of the car, grabbed a bag from the trunk, and brushed by her. He was a little rude, but she chalked it up to the Puckerman charm and let it slide. She was in enough of a mood. Adding to it would only make things worse.

Obediently, she followed, and the two stayed in silence. He wasn't going to say anything until she did. Following the same gray stones that once gave her comfort, all she felt then was nervous. What was going on? How did he know about this place? A self proclaimed "badass" would have no idea what, or where, a botanical garden was. Beyond the fountain and through the azaleas they went until they reached the pond and set up in the gazebo. Surely no one knew about its importance to her; not the overall place or the gazebo.

"I made us some lunch." He said as he interrupted her thoughts and rolled out a blanket on the cool ground. Setting up a few containers of food and some drinks, he kept talking. All Rachel did was stare. She had no idea what was going on. "Alright, you don't have to stare. I didn't make any o it. I had ma make some junk. When I told her it was for you she started talking about marriage and calling the rabbi and Jewish grandchildren. I told her it wasn't like that, but as an apology…" The word was so quiet he wasn't sure she heard, but she did and she immediately started to pay attention again. "She was disappointed, but she told me I better make things right. Whatever I did, 'cuz of course I was the one to mess up, that I better make it right or she'd kick my ass." He was rambling. He was setting up a picnic and rambling. If Rachel wasn't so stunned, she would've said something; anything. She would've commented on his language or asked him something, but she just stayed there. He was hoping for a comment about his foul language. At least then he'd know she was listening. Was she? "You look cold. Here." When did he move right beside her? There was no time to react as he draped a blanket over her shoulders and wrapped it around her. Why was he doing this? "That's better. Come sit… Please?" He begged, but she didn't even budge. All he was trying to do was be nice and apologize, and he was ruining it. First it was the fight or argument or spat or whatever that thing it the car was and then it was just her unwillingness to cooperate.

Was Puck actually being… sweet? He took her some place special to her, a place, she thought, no one else knew about. But yet, he did; he knew. She didn't know how, but he knew. And, for some reason, that made her happy, like maybe she wasn't so alone in the world. "Why are we here?" She finally spoke, asking in a way that was both sad and snotty. It was the last memory she held with her fathers. It was where she said her last goodbyes and made whatever peace she could with them. If he was going to ruin it, ruin the special place the park held in her heart, she wanted no further part in his plan; she didn't even want to be a part of it at all.

What he said surprised her. "When we were kids at temple you once told a story about this place being your favorite memory or whatever. Something about a picnic and gardens. I don't know, but I remember you loved this place…" She seemed shocked. That was a good thing, he thought. "And I know I've been a real ass lately, but I…" He was at a loss for words. Saying what he wanted was harder than he thought, and once he said what needed to be said, it was out there. He couldn't just say he didn't really mean it. There was no going back, but he was going to do it anyway. Now or never… "I… I care about you Rachel… As a friend or whatever. And I know you care about me too." As much as she hated even thinking it, never mind articulating and admitting it, he was right. She cared about him too, as a friend or whatever.

"What's your point Puck?" She asked as she finally took a seat. He was relieved that she was getting comfortable with him. If she stood there the whole time just staring down at him as he set up the picnic, well, the badass in him would've turned into the manliness of one of the dweebs he threw into the dumpster the other day. And that wasn't him. He needed to keep up the rebel routine just as bad as she needed to keep up the conceited bitch thing she had going on. But they were both more than what they were labeled. They were Rachel and Puck, broken and hurting in their own ways. One lost a father by distance. The other lost the only parents she ever knew in tragedy. No matter what the cause, they were both experiencing their own hurt. Rachel's was just a little deeper and darker than his. His was an appearance and a phase. Hers was a continuous downward spiral as the plane she was piloting nosedived toward earth.

"Please stop calling me Puck." He really hated it from her. He was always Noah. Since they were kids it had been Noah. She couldn't just stop calling him that.

"What is all this? What is it really?" She had her doubts. She knew he mentioned an apology, but he had yet to do any apologizing.

"It's an apology." She was still waiting for the actual words.

"Some apology Puck." She emphasized his name.

"Don't be like that." He gave her pleading eyes. She was all for the dramatic gestures, so why was she rejecting his? "At least eat your food." He held out a container for her. "It's vegan and crap, Ma made it just for you." Guilt tripping always did the trick.

"Thanks." While she accepted the gesture, nothing was solved. They just sat there for a while, no talking. Puck just shoveled his food into his mouth while Rachel used the plastic fork to play with hers, and both just randomly looked over to the other searching for some answer to a question they never asked. Rachel wanted to understand just why he was apologizing. It wasn't like him and she didn't feel important enough for him to actually try going all out. And he wanted to know why she was so different. He wanted to know why he cared the way he did. And he wanted to know if she knew that he cared.

"I'm sorry." He broke the quiet. That was what she was waiting for, and she finally got it. He figured he wouldn't make her wait much longer. They wasted a lot of time. The drive only got so much out in the open. They were sitting there for almost an hour and nothing. He needed to start. "For everything, I'm sorry." The words brought a faint and, unrecognizably, genuine smile to her face. He wouldn't see it. She wouldn't let him because that would be giving in. But it was there.

It was another half hour before anything else was said. Once again, they were back to the occasional glance and waiting for the other to start. But she didn't know what to do or say. He was losing any hope of his plan actually working, but then she spoke. The whole time she was silent she just let the thoughts simmer into a boil. Everything was swirling around and she couldn't make sense of it. So she said the first coherent thought that came to her. "God I hate you Noah." She was calling him Noah again. He took that as a good sign. The hate part he didn't like so much, but by the way she said it, he knew she didn't mean it to be serious.

"Why?"

"One minute you're the biggest jerk face…"

"Jerk face?" He questioned laughingly.

Rolling her eyes, she just ignored his comment. "One minute you're the biggest jerk face, and then you go and do something sweet or you say something that makes me melt. I hate it, but I like it. So I hate you and everything, but I like you too." They were being honest with each other. It was something they never really had before; a much needed, open and honest conversation about feelings and whatnot.

After cleaning up and walking around for a while. They finally got to talking. Everything was out in the open; everything meaning their misunderstandings and miscommunication. They still had their issues, but they were making do. He apologized again. This time he apologized for everything separately; the slushies, the jokes, and the name calling… There was a list of things he should have apologized for a long time ago. And she needed to hear it just as much as he needed to say it.

Rachel, however, wasn't saying much. She was so wrapped up in Puck. What had gotten into him? What caused this sudden change? Why was he being nice? She didn't want to feel it, but a part of her felt like it was a ploy. He wanted to make her feel good just to sleep with her again and drop her for Quinn once he got what he wanted. He had his cake and he wanted to eat it too. She just didn't know if she was the whole cake or the chewed up bits and pieces that were dissolving in the metaphorical stomach.

"I'm sorry for Quinn too. I didn't sleep with her though. I know you think I did, but I didn't." Relief; she felt relieved. "I haven't slept with anyone while we were… you know." He made a hand gesture to make his point.

"Ok…" She was happy about that, but she didn't know what to make of it. He wasn't a monogamous kind of guy. Was it real? What was it? Why was he saying it? "I'm sorry too, but why are you doing this Noah?"

He hesitated for a moment deciding whether he wanted to answer honestly or not. "I've been thinking about what you said that day at school."

"I said a lot that day." That day didn't need to be clarified. She used to talk a lot, and she still tried to, if for nothing else but a show, but that day was a blow up between the two. No other reference was needed.

"I know, but it all got to me, and then you started calling me Puck. You never call me Puck. I don't like when you call me Puck."

"Everyone calls you Puck." She knew that bothered him, that was the purpose of doing it and because he was acting like the ass he claimed to be, but she had to play it off like it was nothing.

"But you don't. You've always called me Noah; ever since we were kids. The only time you didn't was when I made you call me Puck. And even then, it was a fight."

"You weren't being Noah. You were being Puck."

"I got it. I was a dick."

"You were worse than that. You were just… not Noah." She didn't know how else to word it. With a more level head, she didn't know how to say it and not sound crass. She didn't want to sound like him.

"You asked me what happened to the guy who apologized and brought you your favorite slushie. And I want to be that guy. I am being that guy now."

"I want you to be that guy too."

"And I'm going to be Noah."

"Good for you Noah, but how does that involve me? Why go through all this?"

"You tell anyone I'm saying this and I'll deny it, but I liked what we had going. We slept with each other when we needed it. And I want that again."

"So this is all about sex?" Her fears were realized. She started moving away. She needed to leave. Even if she had to walk, she needed to get out of there.

"No." He grabbed her hand to keep her from bolting. "We need rules, but I want us to be real friends too. But I am a sex shark so that part's implied." Rachel didn't know whether to be disgusted and disturbed or happy that she was getting two things she wanted and missed. For the moment, her fears were quelled.

"Rules? What kind of rules?"

Without really answering he said, "I know you've been going through some stuff, but you have friends. You can't shut me out. I'm here for you."

"Those are the rules?" They didn't should like rules. It sounded like fact. She was going through some stuff and she was shutting people out.

"The rules are simple. We just have to be there for each other, really be there for sex or talking or anything else."

"Ok." She wanted that. She really did; the sex and the friend. Sex was a good distraction and a friend was… a friend. Kurt was her friend and, while she was pushing him away, he was there for her, but he had a new boyfriend. She wanted him to be happy and that meant him staying away from her poison. Noah was the only one that didn't seem affected by her venom.

"Ok?"

"Ok."

"Good." They were by the car then and he pushed her up against the door and leaned in until his lips were practically touching hers. Then he went in for the kill, enveloping her in his embrace and pressing a hard and passionate kiss on her mouth.

"I need you." She whispered as they stopped for air, her eyes boring into his with the most penetrating gaze.

"I know. I need you too."

"Not just like that." She said, not really pushing him away, but not giving it her all either.

"I know, and I'm here. Whatever you need."

He was there, but was he? "You didn't just apologize so you could sleep with me again, did you?"

"No, but I do want to sleep with you."

At least he was honest about it. "We're not doing this in a car in a park where people are around."

"Come on." He pleaded as he started kissing down her neck and collar bone. "It wouldn't be the first time in a car."

"Noah… Oh." She whined as he kissed a sweet spot on her neck. It was a little soon. They just made up and she wasn't entirely sure that his words were genuine. No one was genuine with her. But she wanted to give in.

"Please, I need you." She needed him too. For some crazy reason, they just worked together. They knew how to make each other feel better. And she wanted to feel better.

Looking around, she couldn't see anyone else. "You can't be with any other girls." She stated as she got up on her toes to kiss him again.

"What?"

"If we're going to do this, you can't sleep with any other girls." If he did, he'd lie about it. He cared about her and wanted to hit that, but he didn't know if he could only be with one chick. He'd deal with that later. Right then, all he wanted was her.

"Then you can't be with any other guys." He insisted.

"I never have been." He took that as the yes he was hoping for. Holding on to her, not releasing her from their kiss, he dragged her toward the trunk where he threw the bag in and then lifted her to carry her into the back seat. Thankfully, it was spacious, so they weren't too cramped as he laid her down and hovered over her.

"So this is a yes?" He asked in between kisses. People could say whatever about him, but he'd never pressure a girl.

"Mmmhmm." As he continued to assault her mouth with his own, he inched his hand down her pants. "Careful." She said. "Got cut up in a fall during dance." She had to cover her tracks. If there was a way they could do that without him seeing or feeling any cut on her body… Well, then they wouldn't be doing it right.

"I'm always gentle." He assured her and slowly slid her pants off her body before undoing his own. He never saw the cuts, never taking the time to look, and their bodies were cloaked with a blanket. Rachel was careful. She stayed focused on keeping her injuries secret, hidden away from his eyes. It actually wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. With a long sleeved button down, she was covered. If he unbuttoned a few off the top, he had all the access he needed to her chest and all else was concealed.

She had to guide him a little to keep him from slipping a hand under her shirt and to keep the sleeves from riding up, but it was worth it. With all the touches and kisses, the caressing and embraces, they got the high they were both looking for; the endorphin rush of being together, just the two of them in the most intimate way. It was what they needed then. Rachel wasn't a fool. She wouldn't buy into his act completely, but she'd forgiven him. Never forget, but she'd forgive. And as he thrust into her, she really didn't care about later. It was just about then. Like most of what she did, it was a temporary fix.

He loved the sound of her voice as she called his name during her release and the way she made him feel like a good guy instead of the screw up. She loved that the way he looked at her and the way he touched her made her feel the beautiful she wasn't. They were gentle with each other, giving exactly what the other needed. And when it was over and they caught their breath as they cuddled, for the brief moments before the high wore off, they felt untouchable. They felt like the perfect people they pretended to be and all was ok.

As they redressed themselves, Puck turned to Rachel. "We should really get going. It's a long drive and we have a stop to make."It wasn't the ideal post coital activity, but if they didn't leave, Shelby would serve him on a silver platter.

"The library?" She joked.

"No. Believe it or not, I did my research already." He wanted to impress her. It was the finishing touch on the plan. If all else failed, at least he'd only have to deal with her when they put the final product together.

"I guess I'll believe it when I see it." She was a little skeptical. Puck and slacking were like bees and honey. Puck and actual work was a new concept.

"Good. We'll leave now, stop for dinner, and I'll show you after we have a little fun at my house."

"No one's home?" She really hoped not. It would give them a chance to be together again before she returned to prison and it would give her the opportunity to clean up so she didn't smell like sex when he dropped her off.

"Nah, ma's at work and my sis is at a friend's house until ma picks her up."

"Ok. Great." The dinner part she wasn't happy about, but she'd look beyond that. "Let's go." Both hopped out of the back and into the front and headed out. Noah was surprisingly affectionate with her. She knew once they went out in public view it wouldn't stay that way, but, in the privacy of the car, he held her hand as he drove and was just sweet with her. As weird and unfamiliar as it was, she was eating it up. She enjoyed it. She felt like a real girl, not the freak she was.

They went to a diner right outside of Lima where Noah made a point of saying, "You really do need to eat more. You're getting too thin." He had to question whether their, Santana's and his, suspicions about her issues were worse than he thought. He though she was over it like a phase she outgrew, but maybe they were wrong. Santana wasn't wrong. She never doubted there was a problem, but he did. He still doubted it. He was a guy, what did he know? He'd try to keep an eye on her; try, but he didn't really know what to look for. But having his hands all over her body, exploring her wonderland, he realized what little there was to explore. That couldn't be healthy. But she danced a lot. Weren't they supposed to be all small?

After a meal, that Rachel ate, but not a lot of it, they were back in the car and on their way home. Like discussed, they stopped at his house for a little more alone time and to prove he wasn't lying about doing the work before he dropped her off right on time. Any later and he would've been kept from Beth and served his manhood on for dinner. He wouldn't put that passed Shelby. She was the scarier, more amped up version of Rachel. She was capable of anything. The rest of the night was relatively quiet and simple. Rachel did her thing, Shelby did her thing; everybody just did their own thing.

As the days went by and turned into weeks, Shelby kept acting off. Ever since that original phone call, something changed. Rachel thought she was the one with all the secrets, but apparently, keeping things to herself was something else she inherited from her mother. Genetics was always a mysterious thing. Rachel really didn't give it much thought though. As strict as Shelby was, and as tight a leash as she kept, the rare moments of distraction were her reprieve and she was going to work it to her advantage. With Shelby distracted, that left Rachel with free reign. Well, not free reign, but a little leniency. She got away with a lot more as Shelby did whatever she did. In all honesty, Shelby was avoiding Rachel. She had a surprise for her daughter that she knew, probably, wouldn't be well received. That was why she let Noah take her out of the house that day. She was trying to cancel that surprise with no luck. But she put it off as long as she could and she couldn't do it any longer. They just wouldn't take no for an answer. The surprise was coming whether anyone wanted it or not.

Other than that, though, things were going fine. Aside from her super secret, very personal ritual routine, Rachel seemed to be on her best behavior. She and Puck were on better terms and they got an A on their project. The glee club numbers were really coming together, and it seemed like they had a real shot at taking first. And they wanted it. Vocal Adrenaline already won their spot at Nationals and they wanted theirs too. They had costume fittings, where Rachel made sure she got anyone but Shelby to do the measurements. She didn't want another weight conversation, because she wasn't gaining any and Shelby already noticed and reminded Rachel every chance she got. Puck and Kurt mentioned it a few times too, but she paid no mind. What did they know? And don't even get her started on Santana. That girl was riding Rachel whenever, with whatever, she could. And Quinn; Quinn was the opposite. While there were rare moments of concern like when Rachel almost fell off the stage because of a dizzy spell and the only one there was Quinn. She seemed to actually care. And if Rachel didn't know better, she'd actually believe it. But she quickly returned to being the bitch and telling Rachel she was the whale she knew she was.

Monday, a little less than a week before completion, Rachel overheard a weird conversation; well Shelby's side of it. It was one of many similarly coded calls. "When are you coming?" It started and already Rachel was interested in eavesdropping. "So the day of? And they're coming a few days before you." What was she talking about? "A week, yeah… I can't wait to see you again either…. No she doesn't know… I don't know. Probably not well. We'll see…. Ok, see you soon." Rachel was confused. Who was she talking to and who was she talking about? Who was she going to see soon? Rachel wanted to know and was about to do some investigating when Shelby caught her and sidetracked her. She forgot all about it until it reared its ugly head again when she least expected it.

Wednesday, four days before Regionals, the secret Shelby had been keeping finally came out. And she was right. Rachel would not be happy. Shelby stayed home from work that day telling Rachel she had some sort of nonexistent thing to go to as an excuse. That should've been Rachel's first clue that something was up. But she didn't put the pieces together. She had her own problems to worry about and adding Shelby's eccentricities to the list wouldn't do her any good.

Shelby was home waiting patiently. They would be there any time and she didn't tell Rachel. She planned on it, tried a few times, but never went through with it. Somehow, they would always veer off topic or she'd have to yell at Rachel for some reason or Beth would cry or Rachel would refuse to eat. There was always something. But, the point was, she still hadn't told her and that would be a regret she'd deal with later. In the meantime, she was anxiously pacing her living room, a curious Beth watching her like she was crazy. And once the doorbell rang; it was time to face the music.

"Maggie, Pete, please come in." Shelby teased.

"Shelby dear, you know we hate when you call us that."

"I know, that's why I do it. What kind of daughter would I be if I didn't try to annoy you a little?" Since their visit around Christmas, the relationship between the Corcorans greatly improved. They had Rachel to thank for that; although, they didn't know that their reconnection was based on a guilt trip Rachel planned to get some alone time away from Shelby. While Rachel had yet to meet them, talking to her parents about her teenage daughter really helped bond them. And since Christmas, they talked about twice a week, sometimes more. Their whole family talked more.

"You'd be our favorite." Pete joked.

"You mean I'm not?" She asked in false hurt.

"Of course you are baby. You and your sister are our favorite children." Her father clarified as he hugged her and placed a paternal kiss on her cheek. Shelby resisted the urge to say he only had two children and just went to hug her mother instead. "How have you been baby doll?"

"I've been good. How was the trip?"

"Long." Her mother started. "You know you're father. He likes to speed and never stop. We almost crashed."

"And you know you're mother. She insists on stopping at every rest station and she likes to annoy everyone by changing the radio station every two seconds. And we didn't almost crash. Some jack ass…" Seeing Beth and receiving stares from the women, he backtracked. "Some imbecile tried to cut us off. That wasn't my fault." The bickering was part of their charm. They loved each other and that was their way of showing it.

Shelby moved them into the living room and offered them coffee. She didn't know why she was drinking it. She was jittery enough as it was, but she did. "She has gotten so big Shelby." Maggie said in reference to Beth. "We don't see you for two months and you have growth spurt. Don't ya?"

"Soon she'll be just as bossy and loud as her mother was at that age." Pete joked and shared a smile with his daughter.

They took some time to catch up, play with Beth a little, and talk about plans before the conversation steered toward Rachel. Shelby was waiting for her to come up and was actually surprised it took so long. But one minute she left to get a snack for Beth and when she returned, her parents were looking at the pictures scattered around the room.

"She's beautiful." Maggie whispered to her husband. Shelby continued to move closer as she eavesdropped. "Don't you think?"

"She is. And she looks so much like both our girls." Her parents were always great at the continuous back and forth banter.

"She's the spitting image of Shelby. And from what Shelby told us, she's just like her too."

"Rashell." Beth interrupted their moment as she pointed to the school picture they were staring.

"Yeah Beth. That's your big sister."

"Rashell play!" Her excitement delighted the grandparents.

"She can't right now Bethie. She's at school learning like you'll be soon."

"Don't rush it mom." Shelby chimed in.

"We didn't even hear you come back."

"When does she get home?" Her parents asked. They would've had Shelby keep her home from school if they could've.

"We have a couple hours before she gets here. I told her to get one of her friends to give her a ride after glee or call if she couldn't find one."

"Is she excited to have all her family at her competition?" Not exactly.

"I'm sure she'll be thrilled." She lied. Everyone wasn't even there yet and she knew Rachel wouldn't be the least bit excited. But she could've been wrong. Rachel could've surprised her. She really hoped that was the case.

"We can't wait to meet her. I'm sure the pictures we have seen don't even begin to do her justice." Maggie rambled unaware of her daughter's discomfort. Pete, however, picked up on it. He sensed something wrong, and he had a good idea of what it was.

"You did tell her, didn't you?" His voice was almost hopeful, like he was pleading with her to say she did. They didn't want to bombard their granddaughter or make her feel uncomfortable. And that was what would happen if Shelby was just waiting to drop the bomb.

"No." She meekly confessed.

"Shelby…" He scolded as the name was drawn out.

"It's ok hon. She's going to love us. She is our grandchild." He wasn't so sure about that… From what he knew, Rachel was reluctant to accept Shelby. How would she take to them? But he hoped his wife was right. He hoped things would work out for the best. They were about to find out.

Rachel was going to walk home. That was her plan. Without Shelby there to hound her, she had the opportunity for a little extra exercise and some alone time. Shelby's weirdness was getting to her. And the punishment that seemed to never be ending made her feel like a caged animal at the zoo. The world went on around her but she was trapped with only her handler to force her to do things she didn't want to do. And Shelby was the strictest of them all. Eat this. Eat more. Don't do that. Don't do this. She just wanted some space. So she was going to walk. Or, that was the plan until Santana cornered her.

"Get in the car." Santana demanded. At first Rachel just kept walking pretending that she didn't hear her. But then Santana sped up and swerved in front of Rachel before coming to a sharp stop.

"Are you crazy?" Rachel yelled. "You could've killed me!"

"Just get in. We need to talk."

"And if I don't? What? You'll try to kill me again?"

"I might. Do you want to chance it?" Unfortunately, she didn't. Huffing and resisting every urge to just sprint away, Rachel got into the car. "Good. Now we can go."

"Yeah, great…" Rachel responded under her breath. They didn't speak as Santana took off. It wasn't until they were close to Shelby's before Santana said what she needed to say.

"Listen Munchkin…"

"You know, some people use that as a term of endearment."

"Listen munchkin," she emphasized the word just to annoy Rachel, "we need to talk." Here it goes…

"What's this about Santana? On a normal day, you can't stand me. And now you're trying to get into my business, lecturing me, stalking me…"

"Hell no I'm not stalking you."

"Then what is this? You're everywhere." And every time she sees the Latina, she's worried about possible bodily harm, a string of insults, the likelihood of a shulshie facial, and whether or not that would be the moment her secrets were discovered.

"We already had this talk, but now we're having it again."

"What talk?"

"We need to win Regionals so we can kick Vocal Adrenaline's robotic ass at Nationals this year, and, unfortunately, we need you to do that. And we best be winning."

"Great, because I am going to be there."

"But are you? What's going to happen to your voice if you keep doing what you're doing?" What? The utterance of that single question was sending Rachel into a full blown panic. "Right now, you are in no way ready to go up there and perform. What's going to happen if you pass out on stage?"

"I never passed out Santana!" That was the only thing she could say. She needed to defend herself.

"Yes you did, and I know why." She was done playing it on the down low. Rachel was right, she had been watching, and that was how she knew her last plan failed. Rachel's problems were far from solved. She was the incredible shrinking girl. But how much more could she shrink before the damage was irreversible? She couldn't help it, she cared.

"You don't know anything. I was diagnosed with anemia. That causes fainting spells." She tried to cover herself.

"I thought you didn't pass out."

"I didn't."

"Rachel this is serious."

"I'm fine. Everything's fine. My voice is great and we're going to win…" She would've kept going spouting more gospel they knew to be false, but as they pulled into the driveway Santana practically screamed at her.

"I don't want you to die!" Neither knew where the outburst came from. Rachel honestly didn't think anyone would care if she died, and hearing that come from her of all people was pretty unbelievable. Santana even stunned herself with that one. She didn't want Rachel to die. She would always make fun of the midget and act like she hated her, but there was a weird frenemies thing going on. She genuinely cared even when she didn't want to. And she was doing everything she could to help the girl, but she could see Rachel pulling away from everyone. When was the last time she hung out with anyone from glee or came to any of the parties? "You need to stop, because I don't want you to die."

Still stunned and completely at a loss, Rachel came up with whatever she could to deflect the seriousness of the conversation they just had. "That's a rather selfish reason for me to do something. I should stop doing whatever you think I'm doing because you want me to live? I guess it's a good thing I'm not going anywhere." She opened the car door and began to exit as fast as possible. "Bye Santana. Thank you for the ride." She parted overly cheerful. It was an act so real and confusing, Santana was actually lost. The next time they saw each other would be awkward.

As Rachel walked up to the door and Santana reluctantly pulled away, she knew something was going on. At first she didn't notice anything. She was so focused on everything Santana said, warning her that she needed to shape up and do her thing because they "best be winning." And apparently, Rachel wasn't in shape to keep winning. What did she know? Pushing the thoughts away, she saw what was different. There was a car in the driveway she had never seen before and that never happened. Maybe Shelby was dating. "Ewe." She shuttered at the thought.

As soon as she walked in the door, she was bombarded with new faces. It didn't take long for them to surround her. All the smiles and "Oh look at her."s and the "Isn't she beautiful?"s were more than she could take as she stood there wide eyed and confused. She was being backed up into a corner, literally and figuratively.

"Rachel…" Shelby finally interrupted the gawk fest. "These are my parents Maggie and Pete. They're your grandparents."

"What?" She looked over to Shelby in question. She was more scared than anything else. Seeing them was the last thing she expected and she just wasn't ready. After the day she had, the conversation she had, she just couldn't take it. All she wanted to do was run to her room and do what she shouldn't. Why didn't Shelby give her a choice? It wasn't fair. How was she going to get out of there? She needed to get out of there.

"Rachel, say hi." Shelby encouraged hoping her daughter would remain calm.

After shooting Shelby a look of utter disbelief and understandable anger, Rachel did as she was asked. "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Corcoran." Rachel offered a hand as a pleasantry and her grandfather, reading the tension on Rachel's face accepted and said that it was nice to meet her.

"Nonsense, call us Grandma and Grandpa." Maggie insisted as she made her way closer to her granddaughter and pushed everyone else out of the way so she could have Rachel all to herself. "There's not much of you to hug. Is there dear?" Her grandmother asked as she held her arms tight around her. "We're going to have to put some meat on those bones." She pulled away. Everything about the meeting was uncomfortable. And as she put her bag down and was dragged into the kitchen for dinner, they just kept asking questions and trying to get to know her. Their intentions were pure, but she couldn't help but fidget. Thank god she had an excuse to get out of there soon after that. Dance was a life saver.

But when she was alone in the locker room at the end of class, she did something she didn't think she would; not there. She was never planning to do it there. The studio was a sanctuary and she was going to ruin it with her spilt blood. Pulling the hidden razor from her bag, she ran to one of the stalls to ensure no one would see. And the very second she was alone, she rolled up her sleeve and ripped apart her skin. The actions were sharp and swift, cutting deep into her flesh as the tears fell from her eyes. There were so many people she had to worry about. She was being bombarded everywhere she went. She couldn't escape it and she couldn't live with it. She needed it to go back. She needed Santana to mind her business, Shelby to se4nd everyone away and leave her alone. She needed Elaina and Annette to stop calling and leaving voicemails on her cell phone. She was actually thankful she never gave them Shelby's number. But most of all, she just needed to have the control back. Everything felt so chaotic that she was just lost in the sea of life. The blood seemed to calm her though; enough to make it home. But the cuts were deep and she was weak. She was ashamed for thinking it, but a part of her wished she went deeper. At least then she wouldn't have felt so overwhelmed. But she didn't do that. She just applied pressure to the wounds and wrapped it up nicely so she could get into the car and run straight to her room. She was going to play the headache card and mention how exhausted she was just to get out of spending time with her family. It wasn't a lie. But could she possibly get more pathetic?

As she went to bed, or tried to, that night, after all the avoiding she did, all she could think was, "How the hell am I going to survive this week?" The only answer she could fathom was that she wouldn't. Nothing good was going to come out of the Corcoran love fest, not when there was a Berry molding in the corner. All she saw were more people to disappoint and more people to hate her. If she wanted that… well, she never wanted that. There was enough disappointment around to last her a lifetime.

When had her life become a continuous purgatory? Hell on earth…

**Enjoy the chapter. Drama coming up… Maybe good drama… Maybe bad drama… We shall see. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	26. In a House Full of People

Chapter 26: In a House Full of People

Nothing in her life was going right. Actually, everything was going fine; as fine as it could be. But she felt trapped. She was claustrophobic in her own home, and she used the term home loosely. The space she once thought sacred was tainted by unwanted company. The first night they were there, she got away with very limited interaction. She had dinner with them, she allowed them to hug her, and she spoke when spoken to as long as she had to. And every opportunity she had to get away, she took. Homework seemed to be a great excuse when she came home from dance. And they were older so there was only an hour or so of a time gap between when she finished said homework and they went to bed, but things weren't so easy in the morning; not when she and Shelby were alone.

Rachel woke up very early with a massive headache and a throbbing arm. The cuts reopened… or never closed. It could've been either. All she knew was she was laying in a puddle of blood, her sheets stained and her clothes ruined. The plan was to go running before everyone woke up, but it didn't look like that was happening. She had some cleaning up to do.

Mere movement sent her body into vertigo. Standing made her eyesight fuzzy, the room suddenly crowded with two of everything. Every step away just drove her closer and closer to the darkness that threatened to consume her. But she wouldn't allow it. She couldn't chance it. The thud of her body falling was sure to wake someone and she couldn't let them see. So she used everything she could to fight nature. And as crazy as it was, as stupid as it was, and as terrible as it made her feel, it was working and that was all that really mattered then. She didn't know what caused it. Maybe it was the blood loss. Maybe it was the midnight workout that had her reeling. Or maybe it was something else entirely. She didn't know, but it really didn't matter. She just had to deal with it whatever the cause.

Drowsily, she made it into the bathroom safely. She needed water. First and foremost, she needed hydration. That was the only thing she could think to help. The dryness of her mouth made her think it was the best idea. Using the sink as leverage to keep her standing, she cupped the water in her hands and generously sipped. The process continued for several minutes before she opened her eyes and evidence of her real reason for being there was staring her in the face. Droplets of blood were collecting in the basin, spilling down into the water until the run turned pick in the drain.

Still lightheaded, Rachel tended to her wounds. Under the bright fluorescent lights the bathroom offered, she finally saw the damage she had done. It looked bad when she first did it. It looked deep when she first watched the blood flow furiously from her veins and took the time to bandage it. But looking at it then, more level headed and not so high on the release, it looked so much worse. Her hand felt tingly and numb and every slight movement of her wrist just caused the flow to move more hastily, in more abundance.

She reprimanded herself, whispering insults to her reflection. She should've done a better job with the first aide in the first place. Then she wouldn't be up at four in the morning with the need to wash sheets and the feeling of swift deterioration coursing through her body. She felt weak and tired, just all around worn. And the day was daunting enough before. The pile on her plate just doubled.

Did she really cut that deep? She knew she may have gone a little overboard, but she didn't realize just how far she pushed it. Usually, she was so careful. Sometimes, life would get the best of her and her hand would have a mind of its own, but never had she gone quite so far. She could just imagine what would've happened had she not tended to it. Sleeping on it only made it deeper, the jostling in her slumber causing friction between the wrapping and her skin only opening the raw skin. She could've died. And it scared her that that didn't scare her. But she didn't have time to worry about her unraveling. There was so much to do and so little time to actually do it.

Finally getting enough of her strength back, disregarding the warning signs her body was sending, Rachel finished up the new covering. This time it was tighter, applying more pressure. The blurry vision wasn't gone yet and she could barely walk in a straight line, but Rachel was still as determined as ever to go on like nothing was happening. Clearly, something was… But there was no reason to face it. It wasn't something she was ready to face, nor did she ever think she would be.

First task of the morning was laundry. She was yawning, desperately trying to ignore the aches and pains and the lingering effects of the bloodletting. Bloodletting… That was the only reason she'd except for her symptoms. She'd blame that and the anemia. The pills she had to take to up her iron ruined her entire schedule, but, in some ways, it gave her new excuses to get out of eating. But the blood she lost wasn't doing her any favors in the iron department. It just took more away.

All that was beside the point. The point was trying to cover her tracks and keep on schedule. But the unexpected arrival of her so called grandparents threw off everything. The office, which doubled as a guest bedroom, was right next to the laundry room. Hence, actually doing the sheets would have to wait. But she couldn't leave the dirty ones out in the open. So she ripped them off her bed, the pillows and other bed accessories falling to the ground with a quiet thump. It was just another mess for her to clean.

Where to hide them was her next issue. Trying to avoid any chance of getting caught, she knew she couldn't leave them out in the open. She was hoping that her family wasn't nosey, although she thought they were, that way she wouldn't have to worry about them going into her room, but she wasn't that naïve. She wasn't that hopeful. So she did her best to conceal them in the back of her closet. It was a temporary home. Even though the stains would probably set and the fabric ruined, she'd just put them there along with the marked clothes until she was able to find the alone time to safely wash them without witnesses. It was like getting away with a crime. A criminal doesn't want a witness.

It took forever; a good hour wasted on cleaning, but all evidence was gone. She was just happy that no one had woken up yet. Being quiet paid off. But she wasn't done yet. She needed to get a workout in, but the elliptical was noisy. Shelby was a pretty deep sleeper. Unless she heard Beth over the monitor, she was out. And once she was asleep, Rachel was free to use the noisy machine without worry, but it was five in the morning. In an hour, Shelby's alarm would go off and she'd get up to get ready for the workday. But the hour before that, Rachel learned, Shelby was more prone to jump at any sound like the internal alarm clock was preparing her for the real thing. If she was too loud, Shelby would wake up. That was why she usually had midnight runs and elliptical time when most people were safe in dreamland. Her dreams were never so pleasant.

Unfortunately, with everything else going on, she didn't want to risk it. Waking up Shelby or, worse, the grandparents, just wasn't an option. She probably should've just crawled back into bed after she grabbed some new linen, but that wasn't Rachel. Even with her balance off and her world spinning, she needed the exercise. So she'd do what she could. Putting the ear buds in and turning the tunes up, Rachel quietly ran in place. It did nothing for her vertigo. In fact, it only made it worse. But, to her, it needed to be done; it was worth it.

So she pushed herself, driving her fragile body closer to a breakdown. For about forty-five minutes, she just ran in place; as fast and as hard as she could without making too much noise. And then, instead of letting nature take its course and the darkness loom, she started her morning ritual before getting showered and dressed. The less time she had to spend with people, the better. And since there was another fifteen minutes before she needed to make an appearance or the cavalry would show up, Rachel decided to work on some homework.

She used to be so ahead. Homework was done weeks in advance. Part of her punishment was doing homework in front of Shelby. That should've been motivation enough. And Shelby watched her work. Shelby even checked most of it. But that still wasn't enough. She'd do some of the work with Shelby and say she did it all. But the work she was doing was usually due the very next day. Rachel just wasn't used to it. She felt behind. And if Shelby ever asked about the other work, especially for her class, Rachel would just say she finished it and left it at school. Of course, she was lying. And that morning, she had a worksheet to finish before going to English. She couldn't get any further behind. She wouldn't allow it. It just wasn't allowed.

Pretending all was ok, Rachel slapped on the warmest and most welcoming smile she had and went to face her "family." The work was done and she put it off as long as possible. And while she still felt seconds away from passing out and falling into a deep unwakable coma, she wouldn't show it. She had to appear strong, confident, and in control even though she wasn't. God only knew what the Corcorans thought about her. She imagined they thought what everyone else thought. They thought Rachel Berry was a spoiled little brat, so full of herself that nobody put her immoral fathers wanted her, and they only settled because nobody else wanted to hand a baby over to a gay couple. That was the polite way of looking at her. Rachel was sure people thought worse. She knew worse was said. And every single word spoken about her, not about her fathers, rang true. She was everything bad and more. So, while she could, she didn't even want to imagine how they felt about her. What grandparents want their granddaughter to be such a loser?

"Morning." Shelby said as she sat in the dimmed kitchen nursing a cooled cup of coffee.

Rachel hadn't had much of a conversation with Shelby since Maggie and Pete arrived, but seeing her sitting there like she did nothing wrong made her angry. "Yeah, right. Good morning."

"Sit down Rachel." Her voice was apologetic but demanding. Rachel wanted to avoid the talk they were about to have. She didn't want to sit down. One, because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to get back up, and two, because she really didn't want to yell and wake up everyone else. That was the last thing she wanted to deal with.

"Can we not do this now? I don't want to talk to you and tomorrow's our last forced Friday chat. Can't we just discuss it then?"

"No." She said firmly.

"No? What do you mean 'no'?" Rachel was outraged.

"Exactly what I said Rachel." Shelby looked to her pleadingly, trying to get the girl to understand. "We need to discuss this now. Yesterday was an exception. You were mad that I sprung this, them, on you, and I felt you deserved your space. Because of that, the rules didn't stand. I didn't make you sit with us to do homework, nor did you have to do dishes. You got off easy."

"Easy?"

"Yes, easy. Yesterday was like a normal day. No punishment. And soon, your grounding will be completely lifted."

"Yeah, that's great. But none of that changes the fact that you just threw them at me. You didn't even hint at this and you know I told you that I wasn't ready."

"Yes Rachel. I remember you saying that. But it was over two months ago."

"Yeah two months ago… Such a long time."

"Rachel…"

"Nothing has changed, I'm still not ready. I… I…" She was panicking. Among everything else flowing through her body, she was seconds away from hyperventilating. "And I can't be here…"

"You can't just…" The thought would never be finished.

"If you want to ground me again, that's fine." She'd prefer it. It would get her out of activities she didn't want to participate in without her having to lie. "Do it, but I'm leaving. I can't be here and you can't stop me."

Someone else stopped her. Before she could make her dramatic exit, the masculine voice of one Peter Corcoran resonated throughout the kitchen. "Morning ladies." He said with a smile on his face like he wasn't just woken up by his family's yelling.

For Rachel, it was weird having to worry about others being in the house. At first, when she moved in with Shelby, it was weird just being around people all day; never a moment alone. But this was different. Everything was weird, but weirder still that the voice came from someone of the testosterone variety. They didn't get much of that there.

Hearing his voice momentarily stunned her. She wasn't prepared for it. And unable to verbally respond, Rachel gave a warm smile and nod of the head. Shelby tried to egg her on, possibly get her to open up and say something… anything. But Rachel wasn't up for it. Pete, however, was going to try his luck. "Off to school Rachel?"

"Yes." One word answers… better than nothing.

"It's a little early isn't it?"

"A little. But I have to go. Bye Mr. Corcoran." Turning to her mother with a death glare she simply said, "Shelby." And off she went, hoping beyond reason that the day would get better.

Walking out of the house, there was only one coherent thought in her head. The day was going to suck. That was evident by every single thing that went wrong since she first woke up that morning. She had never been so happy to go to a building where she was bullied, insulted, underappreciated, and bathed in stickiness almost daily. That spoke volumes. It seemed wherever she went, she found herself in an unsafe and unwelcoming environment, but she never did anything about it. She missed the warmness of her old bedroom, her home; her real home. Absentee or not, her heart was always with them and their home.

"Rachel." Shelby called after the girl. As soon as Rachel grabbed her bag, Shelby was out of her chair and ready to pounce. But as she got to the archway, her father's hand blocked the way. "Let me go dad. She needs to come back."

"Let her go Shelby." He suggested as he gently pushed her back into the room.

"I can't. She didn't even eat breakfast."

"She'll be ok."

"You don't know that." She complained. He didn't know about the problems they were having or the concerns the doctor shared.

"Then why don't you explain it to me? What's going on?"

"She's teenager. Does there need to be more?"

"Let me get you a refill and you can tell daddy all about it."

"Thanks."

"Anything for my baby girl." With fresh coffee and a little time on their hands, the father and daughter entered into a staring contest. It wasn't the battle of the wills or any sort of competition at all. They were just waiting for the other to break the ice. When it was clear to Pete that Shelby didn't even know where to begin, he took it upon himself to do it. "So she calls you Shelby huh?"

"You noticed?" Shelby humorlessly laughed.

"Does it bother you?"

"Sometimes. I would like nothing more than to hear her say I love you mom, but I'm not going to hold my breath and I'm not going to force her."

"When we spoke at Christmas you said she was still adjusting, but you didn't give much detail. Tell me, how is she doing?" Without divulging all the things Rachel wouldn't want anyone to know, Shelby told him as much as she could. It felt right to be talking to her father. She was such a daddy's girl, so confiding in him was natural.

He expressed his concerns as well and reassured her that, in time, Rachel would come around. Being angry, which he concluded Rachel was, was just a phase that she had to work through. He offered her whatever fatherly advice he could and shared a few stories about her teen years that he'd never forget. If it weren't for the Rachel situation, it would be like a great get-together; just a bunch of reminiscing and wisdom passing.

But the reality was a depressed and enraged teenager that refused to accept her mother into her life, a toddler who was getting into new and exciting things every day, and a clock that was ticking down. She had to get ready for work soon. And she had to make sure that Rachel actually showed up. Shelby wanted to be mad at her daughter, but she practically asked for the reaction she got. She was just lucky Rachel knew how to behave in front of others so at least her parents didn't think she was as incompetent as a parent as she sometimes felt. At least Beth was growing up alright.

"Why didn't you tell her Shelbs?" Her father asked, effectively pulling her from the thoughts of Rachel.

"Mom wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Well, that's your mother. That's where you girls get it from. You had to expect that."

"I did, but Rachel… I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to meet you all in her own time. But I was afraid that if I gave her too much time she'd run away. I wouldn't put that passed her. And you're her family too. I didn't want you to never meet."

"Honey, we are her family, but she's still going through a lot of changes. Your mother may have been hurt, but she would've understood if you wanted to wait."

"No she wouldn't."

"She probably wouldn't, and she probably would've showed up anyway, but now Rachel feels ambushed. I don't know her that well, but I imagine that she feels bombarded by us. Don't you remember how you felt when your cousin came to stay with us that summer? She just appeared out of nowhere."

"And I didn't take it well."

"No, you didn't. You refused to leave your room for a week and you wouldn't talk to us."

"I was upset."

"And you were just a hormonal teenager. She is dealing with the loss of her fathers and so many changes in her life."

"I get it dad." She said defeated as she abruptly stood from the table and began packing her briefcase. "I messed up. That's all I seem to be doing with her."

"That's not what I'm saying honey. I'm saying you have to give her time."

"Isn't that a little late? You're already here."

"You know that's not what I'm talking about."

"I know dad." Her voice was sad. Things with Rachel have been hard, but they seemed better. After their first talk at that restaurant, she seemed to be coming around. At least, she was trying. And simply throwing relatives at her could ruin any and all progress.

"What time do you need to leave for work?"

"Now."

"So go. Go check on Rachel." He knew that was what she was going to do first. It was what he would do.

"Are you sure you and mom are going to be ok with Beth?"

"We raised two children and they turned out just fine. I think we can handle it."

"All my contact information is on the fridge. If you need me, just call."

"We have this under control Shelby."

"Fine, but it's your first day here. Just take it easy and don't go anywhere too far."

"We know Lima pretty well Shelby." He knew she was just a worried mom, but she was being a little overbearing especially with her parents. "We won't get lost. We're just going to run a few errands and, weather permitting, we'll take the little cutie down to the park."

She reminded herself that Beth would be fine, kissed her father on the cheek and said, "Ok dad. You and mom have a good day, and call me if you need anything."

"Have a good day." Checking in on Beth one last time before she left, Shelby was satisfied. One kid down, one to go.

Arriving at McKinley, Shelby immediately went in search of Rachel. She checked everywhere she could think of. The auditorium… Empty. The choir room… Empty. She checked by the lockers and the bathrooms, and still no Rachel. Of course, Rachel was hiding the one place Shelby didn't think to look, her office, and wouldn't get a chance to go to because of the warning bell. Class time. Luckily, Rachel would be forced to see her then. Obviously, there'd be too many people around to actually deal with anything, but at least she could assess the situation and get a feel for just how angry her daughter was.

When Rachel finally came into the room, just seconds before the second bell rang and she'd officially be late, Shelby couldn't tell what she was thinking. She simply strolled into the classroom, her patented smile on her face, head held high, and no cares in the world. If Shelby didn't know better, she would've been convinced. And that worried her. If she was so good at faking, what else was hidden behind that perfect exterior? What other secrets were locked away for safe keeping?

Rachel felt behind all day; not physically behind; although she was that too, but emotionally. It felt like, for the first time, everybody else was ahead of her. The work felt too difficult. The teachers seemed to be moving too fast for her to keep up. She was pretty sure she bombed the pop quiz she had even though she actually did the reading. She just failed to remember what she read. Shelby's class was just awful. She made it seem like all was well, but all day there was only one thing on her mind. Well, there was a lot on her mind, but one phrase kept running over and over.

"_I don't want you to die!" _Santana's voice echoed her in head._ "I don't want you to die! I don't want you to die! I don't want you to die!"_ She tried not to think about it much since Santana blindsided her with the sentiment, but with it running on repeat like a mantra chanting in her mind, she couldn't escape it. With everything else, it wasn't exactly a forethought the night before, but it was all day. And the thought of seeing Santana scared her. She was avoiding the Latina as best she could. What did she mean by that? Why did she think she was going to die? It was all just so torturous and annoying. She didn't know how to act or what to say when she saw Santana at glee. And at that point, there'd be no more avoiding. She'd have to face Shelby too. But her act was getting better, and she'd play nice.

Fortunately for her, it appeared that Santana was just as freaked out by the words as she was and they were avoiding each other. There was a look and then they both scurried off to opposite sides of the room. That was it, and for that she was grateful. After the day she had and the sick feeling she was still experiencing, she didn't know if she had an awkward confrontation in her. So she took it as a gift and just accepted it.

As behind as she was all day and as out of place as she always felt, it was the first time in a long time that she felt remotely normal. It was like repressing everything just made it all go away. Her act was becoming real; even to her. It was temporary, like all good things in her life, but she'd take it. She had to if she wanted to be able to live any kind of life. The happiness needed to be found somewhere and, even if it was fake, at least she had it.

"Hey Kurt." She said as she approached the chair. She needed to sit. Being the second to last practice before competition, she knew it would be grueling. And while she was a little better, pushing herself would make it worse. So she'd rest while she could before the beat down began.

"Hey Diva."

"How's Blaine?" Kurt had kept her updated on their growing relationship. She liked Blaine. They all got along fairly well.

"He's good. We're going to the movies tomorrow if you want to join us. We can get coffee." He was hopeful. She could see that. She had been a terrible friend; a terrible person. He wanted to spend time with her. He missed the overly dramatic, super talkative, run on sentence of a girl that he dubbed his fellow diva.

"As much as I would love too, especially with the grandparents in town, I'm still grounded."

"How are you still grounded. It has been forever."

"I know. But that's Shelby. I'm still on lockdown until after Regionals. And if we lose, I don't think I'll want out of house arrest."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault I'm a screw up." The girl in front of him wasn't his Rachel Berry. Still a diva, she was nowhere near diva enough, but he'd take her however he could get her and hope for the best. Concerns aside, he was just happy that she was talking to him and participating more. He missed her.

"You're not a screw up Rachel."

"I'm not sure Shelby would say the same."

"Enough of that, tell me about your grandparents. Ms. Corcoran's parents?"

"Yeah."

"Have you ever met them before?"

"No, and I wasn't planning on it now either."

"When did you meet them? What are they like? Oh, are they exactly like your…" He knew how she felt about calling Shelby her mother so, luckily, he caught himself before he could finish the thought. "Ms. Corcoran?"

"I don't know. They just showed up out of the blue yesterday. They seem nice enough, but I haven't really spent any time with them."

"Are you going to?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Rachel…" She had no idea what he was about to say, and she didn't want to find out. If she had to guess, she'd say it probably wasn't something she wanted to hear; probably a scolding or something along those lines

"Is it just me or is everyone acting odd?"

"What do you mean?" Former thought forgotten, Kurt was curious to hear her thoughts and possibly get into a little gossip.

"I mean…" But he wouldn't get to get anything.

"Ok guys. Today and tomorrow are our last practices before Regionals." Mr. Schue announced as he and Shelby came into the room. "We have to work out the last of our kinks and make sure we're completely ready for Sunday. That means putting our all into the next two days. So let's head to the auditorium and don't hold back."

The group did as expected. The first hour felt like they were in a military boot camp. It was odd for Schue to push so hard, so they had to assume the change was spurred by Shelby's leadership. It was a good thing that they were so focused, but their limits were quickly being learned. The boot camp was rough. First were warm ups and then they went through the vocals, no dancing at all. Any wrong note and they started over. Then they just did the dance. One misstep and it was back to the beginning. With Finn's clumsiness and others' laziness, they started over more times than they could count. And when they combined it all they just got worse.

"We're never going to win like this." Tina said. She didn't mean for anyone, let alone everyone, to hear, but they did.

"Don't think like this. That's what these practices are for. It's better we do this now than figure out all our problems while we're up on that stage." He tried to be encouraging, but sometimes the Spanish teacher was pretty dense.

"Whatever. All I know is right now, we suck." Santana added.

"Listen guys. You can't think like that. We want this and we're capable of winning, going all the way so let's prove that to ourselves, right here."

"Let's try it all together, one full run through and then we'll take a break." Shelby offered. The kids looked wiped and they weren't used to her antics. They were lucky though, with Vocal Adrenaline it was ten times worse every day. She went easy on them because Will asked her to and because they were more heart than skill; meaning while talented, they didn't have to be flawless to be brilliant. They just had to be themselves and they'd shine through. With her old group, they were robots. Their skills needed to be honed or they were nothing.

They did their routine. All three numbers were preformed with many flaws, but they were all drained. Rachel took the brunt of it. She thought she was feeling bad before, but then was worse. The lightheadedness was back at full force. Her head was pounding like a bomb just went off and she was dealing with the aftershock. Water… she needed water. But she couldn't move. The lights illuminated her sweat riddled body. She could barely stand straight, and as everyone else sauntered off to get something to drink, she stood stationary. Her eyes slammed shut hoping to block away the feelings and regain her balance.

She was afraid to open them. The world didn't spin in the dark, and if it did, she couldn't see it. But she was alone. She heard the doors open and close and the room suddenly became devoid of all noise but her ragged and tired breathing. Glee never made her feel so exhausted. She blamed the stress. She blamed Shelby. Whatever the cause, she had to pretend it wasn't happening and just start moving. People would get suspicious if she just stood there forever and she really needed water.

Opening her eyes once again, she had to blink away the blurriness. Things weren't looking great, but her body was craving water. Hydration; she needed lots and lots of hydration. Somehow, she made it to the dressing room area where she left her bag. "Damn it." She yelled. "Where is it?" She could've sworn she packed several water bottles. What did she do with them? She didn't drink them. Did she?

Break was almost over and she was desperate for something. Water seemed to help before. It could help then. She just needed to find some first. But as soon as she turned to head for the stage door, all equilibrium was lost. She went to grab for the dressing vanity, but she was tumbling. It all happened so fast, but she braced herself to land on the hard wood, only it never came.

"Watch it Man Hands."

"Quinn?" She weakly looked up from the hands that held her; hands that kept her from feeling the full impact of the fall.

"Get off the floor." Quinn demanded, but there was a kindness to her bitch. She even held out a hand to give Rachel the leverage she needed to stand on her own.

"Thanks." She didn't know whether to be skeptical, thankful, or both.

"Whatever RuPaul. What's wrong with you?"

"Nah… Nothing's wrong." She couldn't even talk straight. Was it hot in there? She felt seconds away from heat stroke.

"Then why were you seconds away from eating the floor?"

"I tripped."

"On air?"

"On my feet." She hissed. Interrogations and headaches just weren't fun. And dealing with Quinn, public enemy number one at that point, made it worse. The fact that she was seeing two only made it exponentially terrible. Two Quinns? She'd really have to cut a little deeper and mean it. Living with that would kill her; literally.

"What's wrong with you? Every time we're alone together you're in the middle of some dramatic event."

"Is it hot in here?"

"What?"

"I'm really hot. And thirsty. Have you seen my water?" It wasn't often that Quinn worried about Rachel. It wasn't often that she thought about the brunette before her in any capacity other than contempt. But, as of late, she had been a little worried. She noticed the strange behavior and the growing distance, but it never bothered her. Until then… She looked… bad.

"Are you ok?"

"I need water."

"Here, drink this." Quinn handed her the unopened bottle. It was a spare. She wasn't really being kind. That's what she told herself. "What's going on? You're not going to ruin Regionals for us are you? Because we can find someone to take over for you." That was the Quinn Rachel knew.

"I'm fine Quinn." She said as she wobbled over to the chair and attempted, more like struggled, to simply open the cap. "Thank you so much for your concern." Sarcasm was a mask that suited her well even though she didn't use it often. Her tongue had the ability to be sharp if she used it. She just chose not to.

"Thirsty much?" Quinn asked as she observed Rachel guzzling the clear liquid. "Don't choke. We don't want you to die right before competition." _I don't want you to die!_

"I thought I was replaceable."

"You are." She quickly stated. "It's just short notice." Ignoring her at first, Rachel just kept drinking; drowning the pain.

"Not that I'm not grateful, but why are you being nice to me?"

"I felt bad for you."

"Oh." Was it pathetic that she was hoping for more? She thought it was but she didn't really expect much. Why would Quinn ever have a change of heart when it came to her? "Ok."

"Look, not that I care or anything, but… Are you going to be ok? You look pretty pale and you're all sweaty and disgusting. I thought you were going to pass out on me before." She almost did, but she had become better at fighting it off.

"I'm fine." Lie… "Thank you for the water."

"Just don't tell anyone I helped you." Not like anyone cared…

With that, Quinn was off, disappearing from Rachel's sight until everyone was called back. There was another two very long hours of limit breaking and possibly death inducing dance practice. However hard it was for everyone, by the end, they had it down completely. None of them knew how they were going to be able to walk the next day or make it through another round of the same, but they got it. They were ready. That was a good thing. They may never be able to move again, but they knew their routine inside and out.

They were all happy when it was over, but Rachel more so than the rest. She had no clue how she was going to make it through two hours of dance after that. What was wrong with her? She pushed herself all the time. She woke up in the middle of the night to run or work out. How could she possibly feel so bad from that? She had done more and harder for longer. So why did it make her feel so different? So rundown?

"Ready to go Rach?" Shelby called her Rach. She wasn't sure if she liked it or not. Had she called her that before? She couldn't remember.

"Yes."

"We have to stop at home and then we'll…"

"No. I have to be there at 5:30. We don't have time to go to the house. If we do you'll get distracted. Your parents will want to talk to me and you'll rush over to Beth cooing and awing. We don't have time for that." Was it a little twisted that Shelby liked hearing the slight resentment in Rachel's tone? To her, it meant that Rachel cared; that she was a little jealous when it came to Beth and their relationship. It gave her hope. The thing about her parents, well she couldn't argue that. They would want to talk to her.

"You need to eat something before you go. You just burned off a lot of calories and we're having a late dinner today. So you need to eat."

"I have some of my vegan snacks in my bag. If we go now, I can eat in the lobby before I go get changed." She was pleading with Shelby. She wasn't actually going to eat it. She had it, but she wouldn't eat it. There just wasn't any need. She was fine… Or so she kept telling herself.

"After dance, I expect you to eat your entire dinner, no complaints."

"Whatever you want." She told her. "As long as I can get to dance on time." Shelby was still reluctant, but she took the girl's compliance as a good sign and ushered them to the car.

Rachel didn't make good on her promise, and Shelby did make her promise. But she didn't care. They were learning the opening to her solo that day and she was super excited. Or she was, until she realized how hard it was. She didn't know if it was the day or the night she had or the way she was feeling or whatever else it could be, but she just couldn't seem to get it right. For two hours she continually tried and failed. Her landings were wobbly as she was unsteady on her feet. Her turns made the earthquake she was continuously living reach epic proportions. And yet, Renee applauded her; even having the audacity to say, "You did great today Rachel. I can't wait for our one on one time so we can really get into your solo." Why must everyone always lie to her? Great… She did terrible.

"Thanks. I got to go." She responded quickly. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep until competition time. But, since that wasn't a viable option, she just wanted to get out of there and rush through the rest of the night so she could just cuddle her blankie and get as much sleep as she could.

That really wasn't in the cards though. She wasn't feeling any better and when she went to get changed, she noticed, once again, that the cut on her wrist had reopened. It wasn't serious, just random drips, but it was just another pile to add to the load.

And Shelby was on her case as soon as she stepped into the car. "Did you eat?"

"Yes Shelby, I did." Not…

"Drop the attitude Rachel. I ask these questions because I care. And you should be happy right now that I'm not grounding you longer."

"You're not?" She was surprised, fully expecting another month or some other outrageous number of weeks.

"No, your grandfather convinced me not to." Thank you pops.

"How'd he do that?"

"He made me see why you were understandably upset and told me to let it go. That's all you need to know."

"How long are they staying?"

"You don't have to sound so miserable. They just want to meet you and see you perform."

"I know. When are they leaving?"

"Mom and dad are leaving Wednesday afternoon." She swore she heard Rachel whisper something along the lines of "Oh thank God." But she wasn't sure. "Excuse me?"

"I said what did you make for dinner?"

"Grandma made vegan friendly tacos." By using grandma and grandpa as often as possible, Shelby was hoping Rachel would warm up to the idea and call them something other than Mr. and Mrs. Corcoran. Her mother wouldn't tolerate that for long.

"Great."

"Be nice Rachel. Whether you accept them or not, they are still your family and they have been nothing but nice and understanding. They have been looking forward to meeting you for a while now. So if you're mad, be mad at me, but not them. They haven't done anything."

"I am mad. Why couldn't you just tell me? I didn't want to meet them. They don't know me. They might think they do, but they don't and, since we're on the topic, you don't either."

"Rachel, what did I just say about the attitude?" She had been waiting for it all day, and she preferred it in the privacy of their car than in front of her parents. "And you're right…"

"I am?" She was shocked that Shelby actually admitted it, not shocked that it was true.

"Yes, you're right. They don't know you. They only know what I've told them. But I like to think I know a lot about you. And I'd like to know more if you just gave me a chance."

"I've been giving you a chance."

"Maybe you think you have, but you could try harder. I'm trying as hard as I possibly can."

"I am trying." Shelby didn't think she was. Her and Rachel have been getting along better, and, in that respect, she was trying. But she never really opened up. The only things she learned about her daughter were what she observed. Rachel never willingly gave her anything to work with. There were no moments of secret sharing or stories about the past; it just was.

"Yeah, you're trying." It was easy for Rachel to see and hear the defeat. She was trying, but apparently, she still wasn't good enough. She never was and never would be good enough. That was something she'd have to learn to live with. Although, she wasn't sure how. "My point, Rachel, is that they haven't done anything to you. So when we get home…." Rachel wanted to correct her, to tell her it was house not home, but she didn't. If she couldn't get anything else right, at least she could give Shelby that. "You're going to sit at the table with us and talk to them. Get to know them. They want to get to know you. They love you, so get used to it."

She didn't know how to get used to it. The only love she ever felt was her fathers' and even that seemed to fade. She thought Finn loved her, but he always went back to Quinn. And cheating didn't exactly scream, "I love you." When she met Shelby, she thought, as her mother, she'd love her, but that never seemed to come to fruition. So how was she supposed to accept it? Was that even possible? Was the love even real? And if it was, how could she tell?

There wasn't much time to ponder the thought as they pulled into the driveway and parked. As Rachel was collecting her things, Shelby kindly reminded her to be nice and talk to them. She didn't give much wiggle room. Rachel was to do what she was told. Truth was, she didn't know what to expect. She didn't know the right ways to react or what to say. Normally people found her abrasive and conceited. She didn't want them to view her that way. Even though her opinion of herself wasn't all that great, she wanted just one person to think well of her. She wanted more, but she'd settle for just one of her grandparents.

Shelby watched Rachel's demeanor change. There was a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach that she just couldn't understand. But as she watched Rachel turn that miserable scowl of a look she had the whole car ride into a seemingly perfectly happy façade, it was disturbing. It bothered her how good she was at it. Just how good was she? She wasn't sure she was ready to know.

Entering the house, the grandparents, mainly Grandma, ran right over to her. She was a little overzealous for Rachel's new found need for tame, but she kept up the façade just like Shelby asked. "Oh dear, you must be famished. Come, I made plenty of food." Not leaving any chance for anyone else to speak, the happy Maggie continued. "Don't be shy, dig in. There's plenty to go around and I made that meat substitute just for you, so eat it all up and we can talk. I want to know everything. Let's start with glee." That seemed like a safe topic. And Maggie knew she needed to slow it down a bit. She wanted to just soak up her granddaughter, hug her, tell her how much she loved her, but she also knew the girl wasn't quite ready for all of that. That didn't mean she wouldn't try. She had to. That was her flesh and blood and she already missed so much because of Shelby's choices. Missing more just wasn't an option.

"Glee's good." Rachel began. She explained everything about it and how New Directions used to face off with Shelby's old team. "I have the solo on Sunday." She told them proudly, for once not as uncomfortable as she was.

"We're very excited to see you perform."

"You… You're all going to be there?" Her fathers came when they could. But it wasn't often. She could perform for a crowd, the all around pinch hitter, but them being there made her incredibly nervous.

"Of course we are." Pete told her. "We want to support you and see just how talented you are." Not helping the nerves… But in some respect, she was happy at the thought. It had been much too long since she had the support she needed.

"Enough of that. Do you have a boyfriend?" Everyone around the table seemed to turn and stare at Rachel expectantly. If she answered yes, she was sure Shelby would have a stroke. She nearly dropped her fork mid bite just hearing the question.

Blushing, she hurried to answer. "No. No boyfriend." Just a friend… with sex… Really good sex whenever either needed it.

"Are you interested in anyone? Do you have a crush?" When she said she wanted to know everything, she meant it.

"Mom, leave her alone. There's no boyfriend. She's not allowed to date. I'm not ready for her to date."

"Why can't I date? I dated Finn before." Before, when she wasn't playing mommy.

"Who's Finn?" Maggie asked curiously, only to be ignored.

Seeing where the conversation was heading, Shelby was quick to put an end to it. "Let's table this for later Rachel. I don't want to think about you and boys." Their hands all over her…. That was her baby.

In an attempt to bring down the rising anger levels that threatened to blow, Maggie turned to Rachel. "Did I not cook it right? You barely touched your food."

"No, it was delicious." It could've been if she ate it. "I'm just a slow eater. We don't usually talk so much."

"Ok." She bought it. "Well, eat up and tell me more. What about school? Or dance?"

Surprisingly, while she was still uncomfortable and her normal tricks were hard to pull off with more eyes on her, she didn't find the talk so bad. Sure, half of what she said was all a party line. "School's great… Dance is great… I'm good… Blah, blah, blah…" If she didn't know better, she'd think she liked having family. But then she reminded herself that her family was dead. These people were a temporary stand in until they got sick of her and left her just like everyone else. Finn did it. Her fathers did it. Shelby did it. They'd do it too. It was inevitable.

After being kept there for a long time just playing twenty questions that was more like one hundred and twenty questions, they were finally finishing up. They wanted to know all about her and she gave them what she could. But when she asked to be excused and Shelby agreed, she was ecstatic. Away at last. She was left with her thoughts and her journal. That was all she needed. They got to see perfect Rachel and she escaped so she could be real, unlovable Rachel.

The next day was more of the same. Everyone was thrilled that it was the last day before vacation. The glee club was a little on edge though. That always happened around competition time. They knew they'd be ok, but they still had their nervous moments. But she needed something. She still wasn't feeling great, better, but not great, and with all the stress and thinking about going back to Shelby's and having to talk again… It was all too much. And that made her thoughts turn to Puck.

Puck had used their arrangement to his advantage. Since she was grounded and they couldn't get any alone time for a little afternoon delight and she was opposed to doing anything quite so scandalous at school, Puck had to use her other abilities. Mama Puckerman was on him about his slipping grades so he took Rachel up on the friends thing and asked for help with some homework. Rachel had some free periods and decided to relinquish some of her alone time in the auditorium to help him pick up his scholastic slack. His grades had improved. It made his mother happy which made her go easy on him which made him generally nicer. So she helped him, she fulfilled her friendly duties; it was his turn.

"A closet quickie? Awesome!" He said as she felt her drag him into the nearest secluded space. She just needed an escape.

"No, that's not what this is."

"Are you going to go done on me?" He asked excitedly with an evil smirk as she got down on the floor. "Because I can so get into that."

"Jeez Puck, is that all you think about?"

Sitting beside her, he answered, "Well Berry, I am a guy. So yeah. What else is there to think about?"

"Whatever…" She didn't know why she was there, why he was there with her… It was the middle of the school day. He was on her mind. And she was a little lonely.

"What's going on Rachel?" He broke the long silence. "Why are we hulled up in a janitor's closet?"

"We haven't really done much since that day at the park."

"So this is about a little school time extra special curricular activities?" His voice perked up. "I knew it."

"Puck…"

"Don't go back to using that unless we're in front of the guys."

"Fine then, focus Noah. And stop calling me Berry. We agreed."

"Got it… Rachel."

They talked about nothing and everything. She asked him questions that he actually answered and she tried her best to do the same although she left out big chunks of detail. They just talked. They, mostly, stayed away from heavy topics and kept it light. She told him about her grandparents and asked about his. Somehow she got him to open up about his father a little. He even got her to talk about her fathers, which she hadn't done much of. With him, she didn't expect much and he didn't expect much from her. It was nice… simple. She missed simple. But she liked him. Being with him was easy where everything else seemed so hard.

"Come on. The bell's about to ring." She stood, holding out a hand for him to take.

Accepting the hand but pulling himself up, he asked, "Am I still getting some?" He was joking; sort of…

"No Puck, you're not." But before leaving, she did tug on his shirt until he naturally lowered to her height and she leaned up, just a little, to place a succulent, tempting kiss on his full lips. "I'll see you at glee." She turned the knob and said, "Thanks Noah."

"You're welcome." For whatever…

Glee was another tough day, but they made it through, and they were ready. Mr. Schue and Ms. Corcoran gave, what surmounted to be, a pep talk. It was pretty lame, but it made the point and they were sure to repeat it the day of Regionals. But they told the kids how proud they were at what they had accomplished and that, whatever happened, it would be ok. Yes, Sue was still threatening the club and they could be disbanded if they lost, but it would work itself out. It had too.

"Rest up this weekend, plenty of sleep and eat a good breakfast Sunday morning. The bus leaves at 8:30 so try to be here at least ten minutes before that so we can go over a few things."

"And don't forget to take your costumes on your way out. Have a good weekend guys." Shelby added.

Going home was a repeat of the previous day. Dance, dinner, talking, and more of the same. Rachel still felt crowded and claustrophobic, and it would only get worse the next day. Shelby had one more surprise that she thought she'd have a little more time to explain, but she was wrong.

Come Saturday, and the grandparents hogged the girls. Rachel was an unwilling participant, but she did what she had to do. Thus far, the act had most fooled. She appeared better, and most ways she was. Insecurities still ran rampant and she wasn't happy, but pretending she was made others happy and made her believe she was fake happy. It was better than nothing. And it was real to everyone else.

And as night approached and Shelby went to put Beth in bed leaving Maggie and Pete with Rachel, they asked her all the things they wouldn't ask in front of Shelby. They asked questions she had no intention of answering honestly. They asked if she liked living with her mother, if she liked being an older sister, if she really had a boyfriend, had she had the talk yet, and worst of all they asked, "Why don't you call Shelby mom? It's a sign of disrespect, and it's rude to call your parents by their first name." She was already disappointing them.

Before she could scream, "Well my dad and daddy are dead," the doorbell sounded. "I'll get it." She told them, silently thanking whoever it was for saving her from another awkward answer. Looking through the peep hole, she couldn't recognize the person. But it was dark out and the porch light didn't really illuminate the face, so it could've been anyone. Figuring that if it was a murderer, they'd find their way in anyway, Rachel opened the door. The woman before her was oddly familiar, but she had yet to actually see her face. She was just reaching down to grab her bags. Bags? "Can I help you?"

When she spoke, the woman's head immediately snapped up. "You must be Rachel."

"And you are?" Rachel asked confused. The woman seemed to know her, but she didn't know the woman.

"Oh god, you're like her little mini me, aren't you? I bet she loves that. You couldn't look more like Shelby if you tried." The smile on her face was warm and inviting, but it didn't ease the uneasiness Rachel was feeling.

"I'm sorry, but you've yet to answer my question."

"My name's Casey. Casey Corcoran."

"Corcoran?" Casey nodded. Was it another relative? Was Rachel missing something?

Just then, before Casey had a chance to respond, Maggie and Pete entered the foyer. "Rachel sweetie… Who's at the door?"

"What's the hold up?" Pete asked, but as soon as the door was in full view, there were no more questions. "Casey!" He exclaimed. "You're here."

"Hi daddy."

"Daddy?" Rachel silently questioned. What didn't she know?

"Come in. Come in." Her mother ushered her in, pushing right passed Rachel.

"Hey mom." Casey said as she walked into her mother's waiting arms. Rachel was lost.

"Casey did you introduce yourself to Rachel?"

"She knows my name."

"Rachel," she started as she held out a hand for the girl, which she reluctantly took, the other wrapped around her daughter's shoulder, "this is your aunt Casey. Casey, this is Rachel."

"It's nice to finally meet you Rachel."

"Likewise…" Maybe?

"We've seen pictures." Casey said while turning away from Rachel to face both her parents. "But in person, there's no mistaking that face. She is so Shelby's kid."

"We said the same thing." As they did their thing, catching up and hugging, a very loving reunion, Rachel took it as her opportunity to quietly slip away. Only that didn't happen. In their jubilee, their raised voices and laughter must've gotten a bit too loud. And as Rachel was just about to head upstairs, Shelby was coming down them.

"What's going on Rachel? What's with all the noise?"

Very bitterly, she said, "Apparently we're hosting a family reunion this week. Thank you for telling me all about it."

"Oh no, Casey?" She planned on telling her that night before bed. Honestly, she did.

"Yeah. I'll be in my room."

"Wait."

"Why?" She was angry. Yet another person she wasn't ready to meet just showed up out of the blue. Only, it wasn't out of the blue. Rachel knew. The phone calls and strange behavior all made sense.

"She is my sister, and your aunt. You owe her the same respect that you do your grandparents."

"I have to get my beauty rest. Competition is tomorrow and my voice needs to be well rested. I usually don't speak for twenty four hours before a major event. But seeing as we have company, I didn't think you'd take a vow of silence very well, and I didn't want to be stuck here for another two months." She decided, while being grounded was a good excuse to get out of things, it meant sneaking out more and she didn't want to do that. She wanted to be free to leave and go on runs or wherever without Shelby's threats looming overhead.

"Let's go Rachel." Neither moved, so Shelby walked down the last few steps stopping directly in front of her daughter, took the girl's hand, and said, "Now."

Rachel didn't have much room to argue. Shelby dragged her into the living room where everyone was then gathered and all but thrust her right into the conversation. There was a repeat performance of the prior few days. A lot of duplicate questions and lies being told. However, Casey did seem nice and Rachel liked the leverage she was feeding her with old stories of Shelby's moments of misspent youth. Tisk, tisk Shelby.

But as it got later, Rachel knew it was time to turn in. Her strict pre competition routine was broken and that already put her on edge, and she needed to salvage what she could. It wouldn't have taken much for her to snap, and, in fact, it didn't. She got up from the couch to excuse herself, and that was when things turned ugly. "I'm going to my room. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight everyone. It was nice to meet you Casey."

"It was nice to meet you too Rachel." Genuine, who would've guessed?

"Rachel." Shelby called to get her attention as she was about to enter her room.

"What is it Shelby?" She just wanted to get away. Couldn't she just get away? Why wouldn't Shelby just let her go?

"We're going to let Aunt Casey stay in your room."

"What?" It sounded absurd. It was her space; her room. It was the harbinger of all her secrets; secrets hidden all around. She couldn't let someone else stay in there. Surely Shelby was joking.

"I know Rachel and I'm sorry. I was going to talk to you about her coming tonight before you went to bed, but she decided to show up early so she didn't ambush you tomorrow."

"At least one of you is semi considerate."

"Hey, watch it."

"Where am I supposed to sleep if I don't have a room and your parents are in the office?"

"It's your choice, but you can take the couch, set up the inflatable bed to use in Beth's room, or…" And Shelby was hoping for option three. "You can stay in my room with me.'

"And where would you sleep?"

"We'd share the bed."

"Absolutely not." She was back to being outraged. She tried to stay calm, but every time she got there, something Shelby said or did just set her off again. "Why can't she sleep in your bed and you take the floor or the couch?"

"Because Rachel, this is life. And life isn't always fair." It was more a matter of principles. Obviously the timing sucked, probably one of the worst moments to do it, but Shelby made her choice and she had to reinforce it. That was what it was about. Rachel had to learn to listen and respect her choices and the rules. She was the authority and Rachel had to accept that.

There was some back and forth, not so friendly, banter shared between the mother and daughter. There were some raised voices and groans as well. Lots of sighing and huffing too. Shelby just tried to get her to understand. Casey was their guest. She deserved a bed. It shouldn't have been a big deal. And, normally, it wouldn't be. But there were too many things to find that would shatter Rachel's little glass bubble. There were too many clues into the real Rachel. Nobody was allowed to see. She couldn't leave herself exposed to an aunt she literally just met no matter how friendly she seemed.

"Rachel, you're being ridiculous. It's just a few nights. Just until grandma and grandpa leave. Can't you just do what you're told for once?" Finally, Rachel just snapped. Defeated and exhausted, she just let it out.

"Fine! You know what? Give it to her. It was never really my room anyway. Maybe when she's done with it, you can just give it to another kid you want to adopt. Maybe you'll get lucky and Quinn will pop out another kid and you can just replace Beth too."

"Rachel! That was uncalled for." Shelby was stunned. "Get back here!" She called after Rachel just ran into her room, slamming and locking the door behind her. "Open this door right now!"

"Go away!" She yelled through the door. "I'm getting the stuff I need and then I'll sleep on the couch."

"Open the door!" She tried again and again and again, each time to no avail. Eventually, she gave up and just went to her room thankful that Beth slept through it.

Inside the room, Rachel searched for everything she could think of that could give anything away. She was happy to give up her room even if it was on a competition night and she would've preferred the comfortable quarters the room happened to provide. It was for her aunt. But on the off chance that she snooped, Rachel didn't want to leave anything behind that could implicate herself. She did nothing wrong.

As soon as she got everything she could think of like the razors and ruined sheets. She picked up things in the bathroom and put the first aid kit away. Everything she could think of was either properly hidden or taken with her. Once that was finished, she went downstairs to find that Maggie and Pete already went to bed and Shelby was avoiding everyone. Only Casey was there. Before going in there, though, she went to the office and offered her apologies to them. "I'm sorry for the way I acted. I'm not usually so insubordinate. I just have a lot on my mind with tomorrow and all." They assured her that all was ok and offered her their goodnights leaving Rachel free to talk to Casey; another conversation she wasn't sure she wanted to have.

"The room's ready for you." She said timidly. "I changed the sheets and I put an extra blanket on the chair."

"You know Rachel, I'm perfectly fine sleeping down here if you want to stay in your room."

"That's ok. It's not about you or the room. Shelby is just so…" She needed to talk to keep the part. She was the good daughter. She was the good girl.

"Frustrating?"

"Yeah, frustrating. She just surprised me with everything and she knows I get a little crazy before we compete. But I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcomed."

"You didn't. You're fine. I understand it." She stood from the couch and walked over to Rachel. "Thank you for letting me borrow your room. I promise not to touch much. Have a good night."

"Good night." Rachel responded as Casey walked away. Of all of them, Casey seemed the most understanding, the easiest one to get along with, and she only just met the woman. Whatever, Rachel just wanted to go to sleep; just sleep the, too numerous, bad days away. So that's what she'd try to do, but it wasn't easy. As Rachel settled into the couch, Shelby came down and tried to talk to her.

"Rachel, I know you're awake." Yes, she was pretending to be asleep. She just didn't have it in her to fight or talk or even try to be civil. The next day was an important one, a hard one, and she couldn't deal with Shelby on top of everything else. She was angry with the older woman and it had absolutely nothing to do with the room. "Please talk to me Rachel. How can I know what you're feeling when you don't tell me anything?" She just stood there unmoving. Rachel didn't even stir as she listened for Shelby's movements. "I'm sorry if I upset you. I shouldn't have just assumed that you'd be ok with everything when it was put in front of you. I shouldn't have done that. But what you said was not ok. It was hurtful and wrong. So, so wrong. Beth was never about replacing you. She is about fresh starts and love. I hope one day you see that." Again she waited for any response. "Say something. Please?" Still nothing… "I know tomorrow's important to you, and since we didn't have our weekly talk yesterday, we are going to have it one day during this week. We need it because obviously we have things we need to work out. But I do love you, and no one could ever replace you. Goodnight Rachel, I love you." She hated hearing those words. Every time she heard them, they just rang so false.

In a house full of people, she still felt alone. She was separate from the rest. They were a lovely gaggle of geese and she was the ugly duckling; the one that didn't belong. Wherever she turned, there was someone. Mr. and Mrs. Corcoran, as she was still calling them, were just down the hall. Shelby was in her room probably sleeping soundly with the monitor close to her bed. Beth was in hers. And Casey was in Rachel's. They were everywhere in the crowded house; never a moment alone. But that only made it worse, because it only made her feel more distant. They were her _family_ and she never felt less a part of a group than she did with them and she didn't think that was possible; apparently it was. Genetics was one thing that connected them, but Beth would always belong more than she did.

Her house was not a home. Her family was not her own. She was but a fleeting moment, a passing particle in their cohesive unit. She wasn't a part of the Corcoran world and she didn't know how to change it. The way she felt couldn't just magically be fixed. She couldn't help the way she felt even though she wished she could. She did wish she felt different, but she knew the truth. She was an outsider. No accumulation of genes would change that. Beth belonged. Shelby belonged. Casey belonged. But she never would. She didn't belong anywhere.

Thinking those thoughts made sleep nothing more than a dream. And if all that wasn't enough, meeting the grandparents, learning about her aunt, losing her room, worrying about Regionals, all of that, there was still one more surprise in store for her. Then again, had there ever been a drama free competition? Sad thing was, it wasn't even the competition that would be the problem.

**Hope you all enjoy the long chapter. Broke it in two because I had so many ideas and they didn't all fit. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	27. Starting to Fall

Chapter 27: Starting to Fall

Still in a foul mood, Rachel woke with a start. It was still early, but she had foregone her normal workout for the extra rest. She needed it come competition time, especially since she had a hard time falling and staying asleep. But she'd make up for it later after they won and she could finally calm down. Until then, everything else had to be put on hold. There could be no distractions. There couldn't be anything in her way. She just had to put on her show face and stay focused. They were going to win. They needed to. She wanted to go to New York. And winning would get her there.

Around seven, she began getting ready. Their uniforms were ugly… again. At least on her they were, but she didn't look like a blueberry, so that was a plus. There was, however, a slight problem. They were all sleeveless. She had a plan though. She just hoped she could execute it. Taking the garment bag she brought down the day before from the coat rack, Rachel went into the downstairs bathroom to change and make herself presentable. No amount of makeup or facial reconstruction could make that even a remote possibility, but she was going to try anyway. She planned to stay in the bathroom until it was time to go. She didn't want to run into the relatives; any of them. There was enough on her mind without a reminder that they'd all be watching her. She couldn't mess up. She had to be flawless. So she had to remain focused no matter how hard it was.

"Rachel?" That was Casey's voice. Similar yet different to Shelby's; less nasal and more like her own.

"Yes?" She asked through the bathroom door.

"Your mother wants you in the kitchen for breakfast." Apparently, plans change.

"I'll be right there."

She had been ready for over ten minutes; she just didn't want to leave the bathroom after she heard a few people go by. Originally she thought she'd be able to wait them out and stay there until the last minute, but she rarely got what she wanted anymore. So, sliding into her jacket and zipping it up all the way, both because it was cold and she needed to cover the cuts on her arms, Rachel joined everyone in the kitchen.

"Good morning Rachel." Shelby was way too perky. "Breakfast is on the table. Help yourself."

"Thanks…" She guessed.

Shelby soon disappeared from the room to tend to Beth leaving Rachel alone with Casey. Her aunt was reading the paper as Rachel snuck a glance every so often. She was just picking at her toast, ripping it into tiny pieces. It was a habit she formed. The smaller the food, the more it looked eaten and the less she had to eat. After some time passed and, with the exception of utensils against the plates and the coffee cups colliding with the table, the silence took over, Rachel could feel Casey's eyes on her. "Are you nervous?" She asked.

"A little I guess. I don't usually get nervous, but the cheerleading coach likes to threaten our glee club and if we don't make it to and win Nationals this year, there won't be a club next year."

"Why?"

"Like I said, people like to threaten our club."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." She didn't know why she was so willingly talking to this woman, but she felt ok doing it. "Are you older than Shelby or younger?"

"I'm five years older."

"Married?"

"I am married. I figured when I introduced myself I should use my maiden name so you'd know who I am, and I still use it sometimes. But I am married. Your uncle's name is Mark James."

"Why didn't he come?"

"He went to visit his family in California."

"Kids?"

"You have a cousin. I wish you could've met him but he went with his father. He's about two years older than you. Danny is in college studying to be a lawyer."

"That's great. You must be so proud."

"I am. Your mother's proud of you too." Rachel highly doubted that.

"I know." She lied convincingly. "Are you coming today?" Rachel honestly didn't know whether she was hoping for a yes or no. She'd be nervous either way.

"We're all going to be there cheering you on. But I think you'll do great. If you're even half as amazing as your mother tells us you are, I know you'll blow it out of the water."

"Yeah… thanks."

"You should eat more. It will help take your mind off of everything."

"Who says? Dr. Phil? I think they call that stress eating and I highly doubt that's a proven technique to relieve anxiety, nor can it be healthy. Gluttony is a growing problem in our country." Casey laughed at her.

"I'm sorry." She said, but kept laughing. "You're just so much like me when I was a kid. I used to over talk every situation and use all the big words. It used to drive everyone nuts."

"But you stopped?"

"When you get older, you'll find that sometimes, the fewer words, the better."

"I should finish getting ready." Rachel just ignored what her aunt said. She found talking to Casey too effortless, and she needed to get out of there before she said something she didn't really want said. But Casey wouldn't let her leave that easily.

"Maybe you should finish eating first." It was a demand wrapped in a not so subtle recommendation. "Just coffee will rot your stomach."

"I put some food in my bag to eat once I've calmed down. My stomach's a little jittery." Her excuses just rolled right off her tongue.

"Ok…"

"I have to go finish, but I'll see you there."

"I can't wait."

Rachel left as quickly as possible without raising suspicion. They were all so nice to her, but she didn't understand why and she really didn't want to get used to it. Eventually, sooner or later, she'd do something to make them hate her. She'd do something to anger or disappoint them, and when the time came, she didn't want to be too attached. She was going to do her best not to like them too much.

"Rachel, let's go." Shelby called for her. Immediately, she rushed to grab the bag from her room before hurrying down.

"Come on." She said when she reached the door. "I thought you'd never be ready."

"Rachel, we're still early. We're going to be the first ones there."

"Being early shows that you are prepared and have leadership abilities. Everyone else follows you there."

"Whatever you say Rachel, just get in the car." Rachel led the way to the car and as they were about to pull away, she noticed the gift bag Rachel was carrying. "What's with the bag?"

"It's nothing, just some things I have for the group."

"You got them something?"

"It's for team bonding. It's necessary to ensure unity and togetherness. There will be no mutiny and we will do well."

"So what is it?"

"You'll see."

As predicted, they were the first ones there. One by one the rest of the group rolled in and eased the growing silence between the brunette duo. Mr. Schue was one of the last people to arrive. The group went through head check and last minute details before they finally boarded the bus. "Are you coming on the bus?" Rachel asked Shelby.

"No, I only help out. I'm not really a co-director and there are enough chaperones so I'm going to ride up with Casey and your grandparents; if that's ok with you."

"That's great. Bye." She rushed off right after that. And once Artie was situated and secure on the bus, they were headed out.

She wasn't sure when to present the gifts. She didn't know if they would be well received or turned away simply because they were from her. What she did know, however, was that she had to give them to the group and get them to agree to use them before she took off her jacket. There couldn't be any discourse. They'd just have to accept her offering without dispute.

The ride was long, but she didn't notice as she remained in her own world. She had never felt more insecure about an upcoming performance. Honestly, she had never felt so riddled with all things anxiety. It seemed to be getting increasingly worse with each competition, with each step on a stage. But with this one, she had the added benefit of having her mother, grandparents, and aunt all sitting out there with all eyes on her waiting for her to stun them. What if she missed a note or faltered in her steps? What if she wasn't what they expected? Would she be letting them down? The added pressure was definitely there.

"Let's go guys. We're here." Schue told them with excitement. Rachel couldn't believe they were already there. Had that much time passed?

Kurt, who was her seat mate on the ride, had to nudge her out of her funk. She wasn't sleeping, but he did tell her she was out of it the whole ride. "I know Kurt. I was just going over the moves and singing the song in my head. I really want to win."

"Then come on Diva, let's go get that trophy."

Happily taking her hand, they made their way into the auditorium of the host school. They never preformed there before, but it was a nice school. They went through check in and went over the schedule one final time before they headed into the auditorium to watch the other group's go. They were last. It was good. People remember the last. They'd be fresh in the judges' mind. Her failures and flaws would be fresh in their minds…

She tried to stay away from the others until intermission. She just needed some alone time and she didn't want to run the risk of running into the Corcoran bunch. That would be too much. So, deciding she'd give them their gifts before their final rehearsal, the quick run through they'd do before going on stage, and knowing she could still watch from anywhere in there, Rachel excused herself to use the restroom and get something to eat. People offered to come with her, mainly Kurt, but she knew they didn't really want to come. They were being polite and she really didn't want the company. Later she'd wish someone did come.

For a half an hour she just wandered around aimlessly. She couldn't stay gone too long. Mr. Schue made that clear and she really didn't want reinforcements sent. So after a quick trip to the bathroom and a few laps around the school, she decided to go back. She wished McKinley looked like that place; clean and free of slushie stains. As she rounded the corner of, what she thought to be, the arts hallway, she was back with the masses, thrown into a small crowd at the concessions stand. All she wanted to do was get back to her seat and that was a struggle.

"Rachel!" A familiar voice called to her. She knew that voice and she just wanted to ignore it, so she kept walking. "Rachel!" He called again, this time closer as he put an arm on her shoulder.

"What? What are you doing here?"

"It's good to see you too." He said sarcastically. This was not good.

"Jesse? What are you doing here?" She didn't want to deal with him. There was so much going on without him there. Her grandparents, then her aunt, now Jesse too? How many surprise visitors could she deal with in such a short time?

"I came to make amends and watch you perform. You don't seem thrilled to see me." He said it like she should be happy. They didn't exactly part on good terms. In fact, he was pretty cruel to her. _Dead baby chicks…_

"Yeah, well, I'm still trying to get over the eggs being smashed on my head. It takes a long time to get the residual shell out of hair." The animosity was ever present. Having him there wasn't doing anything for her issues.

"I had to Rachel. You know that."

"No Jesse. You had a choice. You could've said no, but you did it anyway." She felt disgusted, like she was being violated all over. Poor baby chicks. Shaking off the goose bumps that ran through her body at the mere thought of that day, Rachel continued, "That still doesn't explain what you're doing back here. You're supposed to be at UCLA."

"Did you know you actually have to show up for classes?"

"Yes Jesse. That's customary in a school environment. How else would you learn what you need to learn?"

"Well, I was kicked out several weeks ago for lack of attendance and failing grades. How was I supposed to know I actually had to take the tests? At Carmel I always just passed."

"Good for you. But that doesn't explain why you're here, here. Why would you drive all the way out here just to watch me perform?"

"I'm not just here for you. Although I very much would like to enjoy your company for dinner if you'd oblige me, I also came to cheer on my old team. I see your mother no longer coaches."

"Does it matter?"

"Too bad for her. What's she doing now anyway? Still off somewhere with the spawn?" Every word he spoke just annoyed her that much more. What did she ever see in him? At one point he was sweet, wasn't he? Or was that just something she wanted to see because she desperately wanted someone to care about her? She was, after all, just getting over Finn at the time.

"I live with her."

"What? Did the dads think you went flat? Can't hit the right notes anymore?"

"They're dead." She said hostilely as she, again, attempted to leave.

"Wait, I'm sorry." He said as he grabbed her hand. "That's… I'm sorry."

"Everyone's sorry Jesse. It happened. It's over. I have to return before someone comes looking."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. It happened a few months ago. Things have been better since."

"No, I mean your arm. You flinched when I touched it."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did. Is that freakishly tall Finn hurting you?" She was really hoping the smirk on his face was just a figment of her imagination.

"No one's hurting me Jesse. Please, just let go so I can go to my seat."

"About that dinner?" He asked as she walked away.

"I don't think so Jesse."

"Is it because of Finn?" He challenged.

"No, Finn and I have been over for a long time. He's with Quinn now."

"Then why won't you go out with me?" Why was she even still there? "Is there something wrong with you? "

"Jesse, I don't want to go out with you because of our previous relationship. We didn't work then. We're not going to work now and I'd really prefer not to be washed in dead baby animals."

"It was one egg."

"You knew how I felt and you did it anyways."

"Whatever, go back to Finn and your gang of misfit clowns. I don't need you."

"Bye Jesse. Good luck with… whatever you do now that you're back."

Quietly, so that she wouldn't hear, he said, "You're the one that's going to need luck after I take over for Vocal Adrenaline."

Rachel left him behind as she quickly returned to the auditorium. She wasn't happy about seeing Jesse on that day of all days, but it could've gone worse. It didn't go well, but it could've been worse, and she reminded herself of that. But there was still the added pressure of him being there. It was just one more face in the audience that she had to impress when she wasn't feeling her best. Though, was she ever really at or feeling her best anymore? Not really...

"What took you so long? We were about to send out a search party." Kurt said.

"Rachel, no more wondering off on your own. If you need to go somewhere, ask and then take someone with you."

"I will Mr. Schue. And I'm sorry I took so long. There was a huge line for the ladies' room and the concession stand was still long even during the performances. I swear these people come for the candy and popcorn." She responded as she took her seat next to Kurt.

"Shelby and the rest of your family came to wish you good luck. I told them I'd tell you."

"I'll tell them you told me. Thank you."

"They seem nice."

"They are very nice Kurt."

"Shelby said you should invite me over sometime."

"Well that was very nice of her, but you don't have to come just because she pressured you into it."

"I told her I'd like that, and maybe since you're no longer grounded we can finally go on that shopping trip."

"Will Blaine be coming?"

"Yes."

"We'll discuss it later. Right now, you need to fill me in on what I missed. How were our competitors?" From what Kurt told her, and he told her a lot, they had some stiff competition. There were five teams at this stage and they had to place in first to go to Nationals. He was worried they wouldn't, thus, she was worried they wouldn't. She was more worried that so much of their winning was riding on her solo. That was one third of the score. If she screwed up even a little, they would lose. Then she'd let everyone down, but especially Mr. Schue. And while he never stood up for her or defended her or really cared about her and her opinion, he was the closest thing to an actual parent she had around. Everyone else was too busy to even deal with her.

"Intermission, we get the choir room for fifteen minutes." Mr. Schue informed them. In an orderly fashion, as orderly as New Directions could be, they filed out of the auditorium leaving Ms. Pillsbury to save their seats.

After a little trouble finding the right room, they loosely went through the steps and the vocals, not wanting to strain the voices or their bodies before they went on. As it got closer and closer to show time, it was obvious that they were all a little on edge. Rachel thought it was a perfect time to bring up her little gift.

"You guys are going to do great. Let's head back to our seats. Two more and then we're up." As the group started out, Rachel interrupted.

"Wait. Mr. Schue, if I may, I have something I'd like to say."

"Oh great, the queen wishes to make a statement." Mercedes said.

"What is it now Yenta?" Quinn… always a friend.

"Go ahead Rachel. You have the floor."

"Thank you Mr. Schue." She took her bag from the floor and turned to the group. "As you know, it has been a tough year for me, as I'm sure it has been for all of you as well. And with the threat of disbandment, I thought it would be great to have one last moment to bring us all together before we win. Just in case…" She drifted off a bit thinking about how much more life would suck without glee and how she had to do well to keep that from happening. "Anyway, I took the liberty of buying us something for today. Our costumes are rather lavish, more modern day old Hollywood, very glamorous and fancy, so I thought this would be a nice idea."

"Enough yammering, give us the gifts. Me likes presents." At least Santana didn't call her a name that time. Things were still a little weird between them.

"Ok. Well these are for the boys." Rachel pulled out small gift boxes no larger than that used for bracelets. And these are for the girls." Their boxes were bigger, longer. "This one's Finn's… Noah… Quinn… Kurt…. Santana…" She handed each and every one of them their gifts.

"Is it everyone's birthday?" Brittany asked. "Were we all born on the same day? Happy Birthday!"

"No Britts. It's no one's birthday."

She looked confused. "But we're opening presents. Everyone is."

"Rachel got them for us to be nice."

"Oh, can we open them?"

"Before you do," Rachel interrupted, "know they're not anything extravagant, simply something to unify us as we go on stage."

"Yeah, whatever. I'm going to open it now." Santana responded. Everyone opened their boxes unsure how to respond. The gifts weren't anything super expensive or flashy, and they weren't the most practical for that particular group of people either, and it would serve its purpose. They would effectively cover her cuts and keep her secrets as well as give everyone something to remind them they are a team.

"Uh… Berry? What the hell is this?" Puck asked holding the object like it was something foul or offensive.

Approaching him she said, "It's a tie clip. When we compete the boys almost always wear ties. And these say New Directions on them along with your initials. You can wear it if you have to wear something formal. It doesn't just have to be for competition." She explained as she put it on him. "There. Simple."

"Is it cold out San?"

"No Brittany." Rachel answered for her. "These are long dressing gloves or opera gloves. They're supposed to be fancy like in the old movies when the women dressed up." They were simple and elegant made out of black satin with hand stitched embroidery of their group name and initials. She even threw in a star for good measure. It took a little time to plan and execute, but she figured it would pay off in the end.

"Are we going to be in the movies?"

"No."

"Oh but they're still pretty. Can I wear them now?"

"You're supposed to wear them. We all are. What do you think?"

"This ain't my style, but it's…" It almost pained her to be so kind. "It's kind of cool and it matches our outfits. So thanks midget."

Quinn shot Santana a dirty look and asked, "Why are you being nice to her?"

"She did something nice for us. We can at least be decent for a fraction of a second. Now slow your roll Fabray before I go all Lima Heights Adjacent on your ass." Rachel didn't understand Santana defending her one bit, especially to Quinn, but she'd take it.

There was around of thank yous from everyone. She even gave Mr. Schue a tie clip so he didn't feel left out and he appreciated it. Overall, it went better than she thought it would. No one refused to wear it, and she'd keep her secret another day. She may have even built bridges to gap the space between her and the other members; that was a big maybe but still a maybe. She'd take that. It was a win in her book.

Taking her small victory, Rachel joined them in the journey back to their seats. It was only one hour until they were on that stage. One hour and forty five minutes before they knew whether they would be going home winners, trophy, New York and all, or they'd be going home to say goodbye to New Directions forever. Waiting was excruciating, especially for Rachel, but when it came time to head into the green room for final touch ups and any last minute details, there was a general sense of excitement. Rachel was more nervous than anything really.

If it weren't the gloves that she was so happy to be wearing, her palms would've been balmy and sweaty; just gross. She didn't understand it. She didn't get nervous. That was what she was taught. And she learned that there was no need to be nervous. With the amount of practice she put in, she shouldn't have been, but there were just so many people out there waiting for her to fail; watching and waiting for her downfall. But she was determined not to give them that satisfaction. She would do great. She'd do her best. Her best just had to be good enough. The team was depending on her. Her family was there to see her shine. So she'd have to do just that.

Rachel's internal monologue was cut short as Mr. Schue started one of his own. "We all want this, so let's get out there and win it." Short and sweet… Apparently not, though, because he went on. "We've worked hard, harder than we usually do thanks to Shelby. So let's thank her for her help and show her we got this. No matter what, I'm proud of you all. But we want to get to New York, so let's get there. You are all talented and you deserve this." The speech wasn't really motivational, but it was very Schue like. It got the job done telling the students that no matter what, win or lose, he'd still care and he'd still be proud.

Her stomach was in knots as the announcer called them out, and they got in position. Breathing was hard and she was sure she was going to pass out from the stress alone. But she took a calming breath and looked at her glee mates' smiling faces and knew she had to focus for them. Her gaze shifted to the audience. It was dark and hard for her to see. They definitely couldn't see her. But as she waited for the music to start and the lights to come on, she couldn't help but look for everyone. Were they up close or deep in the back?

Spotting them did nothing but make that terrible butterfly feeling in the pit of her stomach worse. They looked so happy and she was just going to let them down. And seeing Jesse in the first row made her want to barf. She had to do well; she had to. "New York," she thought, "Just remember you want to get to New York. You can do this." She really hoped she could. Her talent was unquestionable. She was gifted. But somehow, she found a way to question it. Some days, she didn't know whether she had what it took to make it.

But once the first note rang out, the music started playing, and the lights were on her, all her doubts were subdued and the smile was painted on. She'd fake it until she made it, just like she always did. Even if she didn't really believe in herself at that moment, she'd pretend to in order to get the job done. The group number was probably the best they've ever been. They were coordinated and precise; not their usual casual flow, but clean and in step, and yet it still had the New Directions' feel to it. And then, they were amazing. The duet was pretty great too. Rachel had suggested Tina sing with Puck. It was an interesting combination with underutilized members and it actually worked. They were flawless; better than she would've done. And she was glad she gave up her spot, although she had to make it look convincingly Berry-like, so she did put up a little fight making it seem like someone else's suggestion, but it all worked out. It gave her more time to focus on the solo that she blew. Like always, she poured her heart and soul onto that stage. She gave it her all and still felt like she failed. Even the standing ovation wasn't enough to convince her otherwise. But, she did need the applause even if it was forced. It still felt good. And since that was a rarity in her life, she'd enjoy it when it came.

As the clapping died down, the lights dimmed, and the curtains closed, they all made their way off stage and back to the green room with smiles on their faces. A gentle tap on her shoulder stopped her from going the rest of the way. "You were great Rachel."

Although she couldn't quite grasp the sincerity of it, hearing it come from him made her all tingly inside. She wasn't clear on what that meant. "Thanks Noah. I loved hearing you sing out there. I don't know why you haven't done it before."

"Finn always took the reins. I was just left in the background. But it felt good. It would've been better if you were singing with me though." He was flirting with her. It was cute and innocent; as innocent as anything Puck was involved in could be.

"Tina needed that. She deserved it."

"Still, I like your voice."

"I like your voice too. You should sing more Noah. I loved your rendition of Sweet Caroline when you sang it for me."

He was about to say something, but they were interrupted. "Come on Puck, Rachel. We're all going to hang out backstage until it's time for the awards to be presented."

"Let's go Noah." Rachel encouraged and led the way out.

The group was antsy. They did well, but they weren't sure that was enough. The others were good too. And the fact that Rachel wasn't spouting off each and every flaw from the other team's performances wasn't boosting their confidence. They did however, have hope. They picked a set list that would appeal to the judges as well as their audience. Just the right amount of theatricality was worked in. More intricate dance steps had been worked in, and, better yet, they were perfected. So, no matter what happened, they really should've been proud of themselves, but a close loss was still a loss. Who would really be happy with that? They wanted and needed to win.

Time passed slowly, but eventually a stage hand told them, along with the other groups, that it was time to head to the stage. Presentation time… One team would leave a winner and four would have their Nationals hopes crushed and broken. And it was time to find out which category they'd fit into. United, they stood huddled on the stage. Their hands intertwined as they waited.

Third place was announced and they waited.

Second place was announced and they waited.

Three teams still had not had their names called. Two of them wouldn't. New Directions would fall into one of the two.

"And the winner of this year's Regional Show Choir Competition is…" Stupid dramatic effect. "From William McKinley High of Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!"

The cheering could be heard on and off the stage. The smiles couldn't be contained. They were happy. And for the brief moment, none of Rachel's other problems mattered. Having her family there felt good. Being on that stage reveling in their victory felt good. She felt normal, but it wouldn't last, so she had to enjoy it while she could. If, for a little while, the world wanted to offer her a little solace and a little satisfaction without her having to go searching for it, she certainly wouldn't turn it away.

So with a genuine smile, she rejoiced in their win and joined the celebration. They were going to New York to win the title. She was going to New York. There was finally something to look forward to. It was something tangible. It was a fact. It wasn't just a dream or a hope. They were going to New York. There were other good things in her life. She had a lead in the recital. Her family, while she wasn't quite ready to accept them as so, was there supporting her and got to see her do well; not great, but well. It was a fair day after a hard night.

Hugs were exchanged as were congratulations as they exited the building and met up with attending family members. Rachel was uncomfortable with their doting. The hugs, the praise… it was all so much. The only one that remotely gave her any space was Casey. Did she already do something to ruin that? She hoped not because out of everyone she met, Shelby included, Casey seemed to be the only one she felt any kinship with. It was odd and inexplicable, but she'd have to see where that led.

"Let's get this trophy home." Mr. Schue said and allowed all the kids said their goodbyes to family.

"We'll see you at home Rachel. Congratulations again. We're proud of you."

"Thanks." That was her simple response. "I'll get a ride back to the house so you don't have to pick me up."

"What? No party?" Shelby was joking, but it was a legitimate question.

"You never said my grounding was officially over."

"Well it is. If you want to go out, you can. You just need to call and let me know where you are and what you're doing."

"Thank you."

"Go; go be with your friends."

"Bye."

The trip went by in just as much of a blur as the ride up. There was such commotion as they came down from the high of the win. In the midst of it all, they all agreed to go out. They wanted to hang out at one of their houses or to Breadstix, but ultimately, they agreed to head to that skating rink that April Rhodes owned. They were allowed free entry and there was Karaoke. It was perfect.

So after putting the trophy in its case back at school, they all packed into several cars and headed out. On the way, Rachel made the call to Shelby explaining where they were going and what they were doing. Shelby was oddly ok with it, agreeing without any hesitation. Rachel had been well behaved, so it really shouldn't have been so surprising. But Rachel found life to be an uphill battle. It so rarely gave her level terrain. Again, it was a break she wasn't going to pass up.

Being there, surrounded by everyone, actually included like they really cared, was the first time since she could remember that she didn't feel like the loser she was. They were all just having fun. And, just that once, her fun wasn't some twisted sense of pleasure she got from hurting herself in some way. She was just there. She was normal. She was there. It would've been perfect if she didn't feel like crap. Rachel Berry didn't get sick, unless she made herself sick. Yet, she hadn't been feeling well. And that went beyond the symptoms caused by her own doing.

She just needed some air. Excusing herself from the gathering, she walked outside. Maybe the cold would help. Her stomach was spasm-ing like the worst period cramps ever. Clearly, her happiness would be short lived. Crouching over and leaning against the brick wall, she tried to breathe through the pain. It wasn't anything she couldn't handle. She felt worse. She did worse. But it didn't make anything better.

"You ok?"

Snapping her head up and standing like nothing was wrong she asked, "Jesse? Are you stalking me now?"

"I heard your victory celebration was here and wanted to congratulate you in person."

"Well, congratulations received. Thank you. We were very happy to have won and made it to Nationals and we are very excited to be heading to New York."

"Stress is not good for the voice Rachel. And neither is that high pitched squeal you have when angry. What I can't figure out is why you're angry."

"Please Jesse, just go. We're trying to enjoy our win and you're here bringing me down."

"I don't see anyone else here."

"That's because they're all inside. I wanted some fresh air to bask in the glory of the win." He wasn't buying that and an awkward quiet took over.

"You're different." Of course she was different. When they were together it was early sophomore year and her problems were still in the early stages. It was really just beginning to go really bad then. That was when help could've deterred her. That was when she needed someone, but there was no one for her to go to. Since then, things have only gotten worse. Instead of an occasional thing, it became a habitual attack. Her problems were her life now. Everything had changed. Her life was changed.

"Well Jesse that can happen after a substantial loss. It's changing."

"But you're not the girl I fell in love with."

"I was never that girl. You were never in love with me Jesse. If you were, you wouldn't have hurt me the way you did."

"I didn't hurt you that bad." Yes, in her book he did. "Did I? What did I really do?"

"You used me Jesse. I was nothing to you."

"We sang together. That meant something. I don't just willingly sing with anyone. But you're special. You were special."

"And I'm not special now?"

"You could be… if you wanted to be."

"Yeah, how?"

"Come to Vocal Adrenaline." That was not what she thought she'd hear.

"What?"

"Come be on my team."

"You took over coaching them?"

"Yes. After their near loss at Sectionals and then again at Regionals, the school felt like they needed a new leader. And since your mother was otherwise occupied, who better than me?"

"I'm sure they could find many coaches better and more qualified than you."

"I won't take offense to that as long as you consider joining our team. We're going to win at Nationals. Don't you want to be a part of that?"

"We can win too. In fact, we just won today."

"But that's a small blip on the radar. I'm talking the big time. Vocal Adrenaline stands a better shot at winning and thus, a better shot of bringing you to Broadway. And really, isn't that what you want?"

"I'm going to be on Broadway someday," although she was doubting that too, "I don't need you to get me there."

"Are you sure about that? Have you looked in the mirror lately? What have they done to you Rachel? Your beauty is lacking. They've made you tired and overworked. Do you see how hard you have to try just to get them to the subpar performers they are?" He was goading her, baiting her over to his side. "With us, you just have to be you. Your talent would be embraced instead of mocked. You'd be on the top at Carmel. People would love you. Don't you want that?"

"What's the point of all this Jesse?" She needed him to stop talking.

"I'm saying that you can be special again. I'm saying that we can whip you into shape, dress you right and throw you in the spotlight where you deserve to be. I'll make you shine Rach. You just have to transfer."

"I have to go Jesse." She was in a hurry to get out of there. He basically called her ugly and fat and, well, nothing else she didn't already think about herself. She didn't need him to tell her those things, even if that wasn't what he meant. "I'm not feeling great. I think I should head home."

"Sleep on it." He said as she walked away."Call me and we can get together. We'll have dinner and catch up. I'll convince you that this is right."

"Goodbye Jesse."

Walking alone, at night was probably a bad idea, especially since she had to pass through a seedy part of town that she tended to avoid, but she just wanted to be away. If she had someplace other than Shelby's to go, she would've went there, but she had nowhere. So she just kept walking. Eventually she'd end up back at Shelby's, but a little aimless wandering didn't hurt. Somehow, her wandering led her in the right direction. Paying attention or not, she ended up at Shelby's. Before if she did that, she would've ended up at her house, her father's house. But that wasn't home anymore. She was homeless. But somehow, even with all the wrong turns and out of the way walking, she ended up there. She wouldn't admit it, and she wouldn't let herself feel it, but it was her home now. However, she planned to stay in denial.

She quietly opened the door hoping not to disturb anyone. All she wanted was to disappear into her room. But that wasn't possible. Her room was being boarded and she wasn't allowed in. She huffed. She had no choice but to face them or hide. And since there was nowhere to hide, she had to make her way into the living room where she could hear everyone talking. "You're home early." Her grandmother stated pulling everyone away from what they were doing to focus on Rachel.

"Yup."

"I didn't hear a car pull in."

"Must've missed it. I had Finn drive me back."

"Oh Finn, that's the ex." Maggie whispered to Casey eliciting a few playful words. "Did you rekindle things with him?"

"No, I just needed a ride." She looked mortified. That wasn't anything she wanted to discuss with her grandmother… or anyone.

Shelby, not liking the way the conversation was going and still not ready to deal with a dating daughter, decided to revert to the original topic. "We weren't expecting you home so soon. Your first day out and you're home early."

"I got tired of skating and the karaoke equipment was down for the evening so I decided to head home early. Luckily Finn was kind enough to give me a ride so I didn't have to disturb you." They looked so happy together. Maggie and Pete were cuddled up on the couch. Shelby and Casey were sitting on the floor looking through some things. Rachel imagined they had many nights like that growing up. "I'm tired, so I think I'll set up the air mattress in Beth's room tonight if that's still ok."

"Sure Rachel. I'll help you."

"That's ok Shelby." She put up a hand to stop her mother from getting up. "I can handle it, but I appreciate your offer of assistance." Not waiting for much more than a nod in reply, Rachel went upstairs. She just wanted to block out the world and forget she talked to Jesse at all.

Beth was already asleep when she got into the room. It was expected. It was after nine and Beth was lugged around in a car for hours. Who wouldn't be tired? As quietly as possible, she set up the bed, blowing it up and waiting. Once that was finished, she went to the linen closet in the hall.

"I thought you would need these." The voice made her jump.

"Casey, you scared me."

"I'm sorry. I just thought you'd need your blanket and pillow."

"I do. Thank you." Rachel said as she took the things from her aunt.

"Let me help you set everything up."

"I'm almost done." She assured her. "Thank you though."

"Just let me help you please." Casey could see the girl wasn't comfortable with so many new people around, which was odd considering Shelby explained that Rachel was a spotlight seeker; the real center of attention. And she didn't want to push her, but she did want to get to know her niece. She also thought it would be better if she started to ease her way into Rachel's life before her restless mother and father just bulldozed whatever bridge they built and overstepped. Maggie wasn't always patient and she wanted her granddaughter to call her Grandma and to call Shelby mom. She was set in her beliefs of right and wrong and she was going to force Rachel into them too. Casey needed to find a way to connect with the girl before her mother ruined any progress. If they could just find something to bond over, they'd be ok. She wanted to be a part of her niece's life.

"Fine."

The two went into the room and silently added linen to the bed. The thought of sharing a room with a toddler was in no way appealing to Rachel, but it afforded more privacy than the open living room and she couldn't fathom kicking her aunt out of her room. What kind of person would she be if she did that? "What are you thinking about?" Casey asked. It was torture watching Rachel's mind work and have no idea what was going through it. So why not ask?

"Planning ahead for nationals. Just because we won doesn't mean we can slack. We have to work even harder now that our competition is so stiff. We're flying to New York to compete against the best in the country and all everyone wants to do is party."

"It's ok to take a little break. Nationals is when? Two, three months?"

"It's toward the end of May."

"So you have plenty of time. Take a few days off to just enjoy your accomplishment. When you go back to school you can get down to business. Until then, you're a teenager, just have a little fun." Her idea of fun or a normal person's idea of fun?

"I guess I can relax for a few days."

"That's the spirit." She joked happily. "I know you said you were tired, but we're about to start a movie. Why don't you join us? Everyone would like that. I know I would and your grandparents want to spend as much time with you as possible."

She didn't want to do it. She wanted to say no. But didn't she just tell herself that she was going to be a better daughter or at least play the part? Being with all of them was part of that. Right? "What are you watching?" She asked hesitantly.

"I don't think we decided yet. But if you're going to join us, you better hurry up. Your grandmother has the worst taste in movies and she usually ends up picking. But if you come, maybe she'll let you pick and you can save us all from misery." She still wanted to say no, but how could she?

"We wouldn't want you all to suffer. I'll be right down."

"Great."

True to her word, Rachel joined the family in the living room for a movie night. And Maggie did let her pick the movie. It was normal. It felt normal even though it wasn't; it wasn't her normal. But she liked it. Maybe; maybe she liked it. She wasn't sure. Their movie night quickly turned into a talk fest. It was like meeting them all over again with all the questions, but at least they talked too. She learned about her cousin and uncle, about what her grandparents did for a living. She learned a lot, and it was… fun. But, she felt eyes on her all night. Shelby definitely inherited the stare from her mother. They were two of a kind in that respect. What Rachel couldn't understand was why she was staring. It made her paranoid and uncomfortable, and that made her want to get out of there as soon as humanly possible. So as soon as the movie was over, she forced out a yawn and bolted.

Before going to sleep, she turned off the baby monitor for her own paranoid reasons and went about her ritual. Just because there were people around didn't mean she could slack off. Her journaling was important; vital to survival. Morning and night weigh ins, a list of everything that went in and out of her body… It all needed to be done. And as soon as it was, she could sleep. It had been a weird couple of days and her emotions were everywhere. One minute she was fine, the next she was lost. It was all so crazy and there was nothing she could do to change it. She just had to do her best to get through it and make it work. She needed to put on that front and be the part; not just play it, be it.

And for the next few days, that was what she did. She was the part. Putting aside her physical and mental ailments, she participated in cooking with her grandmother, although, she did her best not to divulge too much information just enough to appease her. She indulged her grandfather in a little bonding time, agreeing to go to some stupid car thing that she had absolutely no interest in. And Casey was always just there. She didn't make Rachel do anything or ask much of her. She was simply just there. Rachel respected that. She was the only one not adding to the enormous pressure Rachel was already feeling; the only one not forcing her to be what they wanted.

But Wednesday was leaving day. Maggie and Pete had to get home and back to work so they'd officially be out of Rachel's hair. In her head, she knew they were just trying to get to know her and show her how much they care, but, more than anything else, she felt annoyed. And she was annoyed at herself because she knew she'd never be what they wanted. She'd never be enough. So she'd give them what she could and be grateful when they left and hope she hadn't disappointed them too much. She'd realize how impossible that was sooner rather than later.

About midday, Rachel stumbled upon her mother and Maggie talking. Pete was out with Casey getting some stuff for the ride back while Shelby helped her mother finish the packing. Rachel eavesdropped, unintentionally at first, as she passed by the office.

"What are you going to do about her?"

"About who mom?"

"Rachel…" For a second, she thought she was caught. Rachel literally jumped and went wide eyed. But then Maggie continued and she knew she was safe. "Haven't you been listening to me for the past ten minutes?" They were talking about her for that long? Were there really that many bad things to say?

"What about Rachel?"

"Shelby dear, she has to show you some respect."

"She's doing well mom. I don't know what you're talking about."

"She doesn't call you mom."

"And she doesn't have to. Rachel's not comfortable with that. I have to accept it. I haven't been the best mother to her. Can you blame her?"

"No, but I can blame you."

"What?" Despite what was being said about her, all Rachel got from that was a bruised ego and a sense of guilt. She was causing a rift between the newly healed duo. She forced them together at Christmas and they made up, only for her to ruin it for them then. What was wrong with her?

"You don't teach her how to behave. Yes, she's a good kid, but you let her do whatever she wants. How hard is it for you to be a mother to her? Tell her to call you mom. Tell her to call me grandma. She still calls me Mrs. Corcoran. Mrs. Corcoran Shelby! Not even Maggie!" She was on an angry tirade, but Rachel didn't understand. She thought she was being a good granddaughter. She was attentive and she participated. What more did they want from her? "Maybe if you focused a little more on her you'd know she wants your attention." No she didn't. That was the last thing Rachel wanted. More attention meant more lying and it was hard enough trying to keep track of it all already. "Maybe she's not accepting you into her life because you're not accepting her into yours."

"What are you talking about?" Shelby was both confused and angry with her mother's words. She was trying. She was doing the best she could; the best she knew to do.

"I understand you want to make her life a little easier. She has been going through a rough time, but that doesn't mean you just let her be." Maggie could see her daughter was still oblivious. "How much time do you spend with Beth?"

"As much time as I can every day. When we're home, we're together. She's my daughter mom."

"I know she is honey. But how much time do you spend just you and Rachel?"

"I…"

"You don't even know, do you?" The disgusted tone of her voice made Rachel shiver.

"I spend time with her every day. We eat dinner together. She does homework with me."

"Beth is there for all of that. When is it just you and Rachel?"

"I'm not going to force her to be alone with me. With few exceptions, every time I tried we ended up fighting. And I'm too tired to fight with her. It's not worth it."

"Is she worth it?"

Rachel definitely didn't want to know the answer to that, so before Shelby could come out of her stunned silence and answer, she disappeared to Beth's room. There was no need or want to hear the rest of that conversation. She could put two and two together and realize it wasn't going to turn out in her favor; just more Rachel bashing. People would think she'd be used to it by then. Pretending that she heard nothing, she just plopped onto the bed and pulled out her cell phone. Sending a text to Kurt asking if he wanted to hang out for the rest of the day, she laid back and waited for a reply.

_I don't know. _He wrote. _Have plans. _

_With Blaine? He can come with us. _She was desperate to get out. _Please, we can go to the Lima Bean and just hang out or we can do something else._

_I'll ask him._ He really wanted to know what was so urgent. Even before she was in trouble, they weren't spending as much time together and all of a sudden, she wanted to hang out. Something was up. So as he asked Blaine, she impatiently waited for the response. _Lima Bean in an hour?_

All she needed was permission. _I'll see you then. _An hour would give her just enough time to say goodbye to her grandparents and get there.

Sneaking back downstairs, she could still hear them arguing about her; she assumed it was still about her. She thought negatively about herself enough already, she didn't need to hear it anymore, so she didn't listen as she approached. Knocking on the slightly ajar door, she waited for an answer. She heard the hushed voices still before they gave permission to enter. "Come in."

"Hi Rachel." Maggie said with a smile like they weren't just talking about her.

"Hi, are you almost done packing?"

"Almost."

"That's good."

"Is there something on your mind Rachel?" Shelby asked.

"I was wondering if it'd be ok if I went out with Kurt."

"Where do you want to go?"

"We're just meeting up at the Lima Bean for a little while."

"You can go tonight."

"I'm supposed to meet him in an hour."

"He'll have to wait. Your grandfather and Casey haven't returned yet and they're leaving shortly."

"They just pulled into the driveway and I can say goodbye now. Please?" Shelby could see it in Rachel's eyes that she needed to say yes. She could only guess what happened and assume it had something to do with the bickering. Did she overhear? If she did, how much did she hear? Shelby really hoped Rachel didn't hear much at all because, although she was strong, she was also extremely sensitive.

"Tell Kurt you'll meet him there. Once you say goodbye, you can go." She gave the permission.

"Thank you." Rachel responded, despondently looking down to the ground. "I'm going to change and then I'll wait in the living room for you to finish so I can say my goodbyes." Rachel left after that. She knew that as soon as she was gone, Maggie was going to have something to say to Shelby and she wanted to be far enough away not to hear it.

And soon, they all found themselves in the common area. Casey and Shelby said goodbye and were putting the bags in their parents' car. That left Rachel alone with them. It was tense at first. She didn't know what to say. Bye didn't seem like enough. I love you or I'll miss you seemed like way too much. Grandma was first to speak. "I'm going to miss you Rachel. We're so proud of you and we're so happy we finally got to meet you. Hopefully we can come to another one of your performances." Without any notice, the older woman's hands were wrapped around Rachel in a loving, yet so uncomfortable, embrace. "Don't be a stranger."

Rachel had yet to say anything, even as her grandmother released her. She and her grandfather just exchanged a look before he broke the silence. "I wish we spent more time together, but it was great getting to know you a little. Maybe you'll come with your mother next time she visits." Rachel nodded. Quietly, Pete leaned down and spoke in her ear, "Can I give you a hug?" He always did respect her boundaries. He understood her issues. She lost everyone close to her and was reluctant to just let others in. Even if his wife was insistent that the girl just accept them, he wouldn't make her do anything.

"Yes." She answered and allowed him to squeeze her tight. She couldn't deny him when he had been so nice to her. "While I didn't show it, and I wasn't sure I was ready," she started speaking to both of them, "I really was happy to meet you both. You're my grandpa and my grandma. I get that now. And I hope you'll visit again soon." She said it with as much sincerity as acting would allow. Some part of her genuinely mean what she said, but she couldn't grasp that and because she couldn't, she didn't believe her own words.

"We'll see you soon." They said satisfied. While she didn't outright call them grandma and grandpa, it was pretty damn close and that made them ecstatic.

"Yeah."

They finished their partings and Rachel was off to meet Kurt and Blaine. She was in a weird mood. After what she heard, after saying goodbye, and then with the way she had been feeling; after just… everything, she needed to be away from the house for a while, especially since she still couldn't claim her bedroom. And everyone was so scattered that day that she couldn't use her normal fixes no matter how bad she wanted them. So she chose the escape; although not her usual one. She went with Kurt instead of Noah. She just needed to be around her friend and listen to him gush about whatever. And she was in no mood to be touched.

When she got to the coffee house, both Blaine and Kurt were there being all cute and couple-ly. She got some satisfaction out of being right; she told Kurt they'd get together. Greeting them, she grabbed a coffee and then joined them at the table. There was a lot of talking about and planning for New York. Obviously, Kurt was as excited as she was for the trip and they were going to make the most of it. Blaine told them about their loss at the Warbler's Regionals against Vocal Adrenaline giving details of the performance. And Rachel let it slip that Jesse took over and may have approached her. She swore him to secrecy, but his outrage was justified.

About two hours in, Kurt got a text. "Who's that from?" Blaine asked.

As he typed a reply, he answered, "It's Mercedes. She said some of the glee kids are heading to the bowling alley and wanted to know if we wanted to go."

"Do we want to go?" Blaine responded while gesturing to Rachel.

"If you want to go, you should go. I should get home anyway." She didn't want them to feel they had to invite her. This wasn't an after event celebration, it was just a get together. And since it wasn't at Kurt's, they were under no obligation to invite her.

"They want you to come too Diva. What do you say?"

"Oh, they do?" Kurt nodded. "I'd have to ask Shelby."

"Ask her then so I can give them an answer." Pulling out her phone, she shot Shelby a text asking for permission. She received a swift yes with instructions to fill her in on the details as she got them.

"Let's go."

The three of them met up with Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, Tina, and Quinn at the bowling alley. It wasn't a group people would expect, but that was the beauty of glee. For a while, they just played on the lanes having fun and competing against each other to see who would pay for dinner. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, and Rachel's façade held true. She wanted to have fun, but she was too self conscious. She kept waiting for someone to say something mean or ugly about her so she really couldn't have too much fun. The odd thing was that it never came. They really just ignored her; except Santana who kept giving her looks all night and Brittany who really never ignored anyone. She was just Brittany.

Eventually, they all took a break from their games and settled down for some pizza. The sight of food made Rachel's stomach turn. And it wasn't just the idea that she'd have to eat or the idea that she'd most likely throw it up after. It just was. For a while, she just stared at the food before her, about to just go use her normal tricks. But before she could do any of that, a pain in her side made her cringe. It felt terrible. She felt terrible, and she needed to get out of there. So as not to alert the others, she sneakily crept out of the front door and over to the side of the building while clutching at her stomach.

On and off, she had been feeling wrong for over a week, but it wasn't the usual off. There was some lightheadedness and vertigo like she normally experienced during her rituals, but it was different; it was exponentially worse. She hadn't had the strength to eat, let alone barf it up. There was some cutting, but nothing that would do such damage that she'd find herself in the position she currently did. But there she was, hunched over in pain and begging for god to help her. What the hell was happening to her?

Slight groans escaped her lips and she was happy that she was alone in the parking lot instead of inside with everyone else. She could barely walk. She definitely couldn't talk without jumbling it. And she could hardly form a coherent thought. That was how she missed the person walking up to her. She missed the hand on her shoulder. She missed the person holding her hair back as she vomited the nothing that was in her stomach onto the dark pavement before her.

"Rachel, are you alright?" She couldn't answer. "Rachel, talk to me. Are you ok?" Even in her distorted state, she could hear the concern in the girl's voice. She didn't care who it was or how terrible she sounded, she needed help.

"It hurts. It hurts…" And that was all she could say to explain it. "Please… Make it stop." And she didn't know if she was talking about the pain in her body, the pain in her mind, or everything combined.

"What is it? What hurts?"

"Everything hurts… Please help."

"Wait here and don't move." She said hurriedly. "I'm going to get someone t help."

"No…"

"No?"

"No, you… you help." It wasn't who she'd normally go to for help, but she needed her then. There was no one else and nowhere to go. She just needed her, no matter what their differences.

**I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the delay and thank those that were patient and those who didn't send me messages to hurry the f*** up. That's not exactly something I respond well to. But my grandmother passed recently, and while we weren't close, her death brought up a lot of unresolved issues within my family that I had to deal with. So thanks for your patience and understanding. **

**This chapter gave me trouble because I couldn't decide which of my ideas to use. So I went with this one; a new one that will bring about what I want faster. Hope it was worth the wait. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	28. The Emptiness and Failure

**So, I always do research for my writing. Thus, most of the medical crap I throw in and the symptoms and side effects; all that is as accurate as it can be with my lack of medical knowledge, a few medical books, and the internet. However, my knowledge of clinics and hospital workings is limited. There's only so much I can learn online and without doing some extensive undercover work, I did the best I could with what I had. Keep that in mind.**

Chapter 28: The Emptiness and Failure

"_No, you… you help." It wasn't who she'd normally go to for help, but she needed her then. There was no one else and nowhere to go. She just needed her, no matter what their differences. _

"Fine… Fine." What other choice did she have? She couldn't just leave Rachel there in pain and vomiting. The diva was pale and sickly looking. They may not have been anywhere near the realm of friends, but she wasn't going to leave her there alone. "Can you walk?"

"Maybe…" She couldn't. One step and she was whimpering. It wasn't the act of walking so much as the excruciating ripples of pain that coursed her body.

"Don't, just let me help you. Wrap an arm around my shoulder and I'll take you to my car."

She was hesitant to accept anymore help, but she was also in no position to deny it. "Where… where are we going?" Rachel asked in between deep breaths as she tried to ebb away the sharp pains.

"Hospital." She said as she helped Rachel into the car before taking her own spot in the driver's seat.

"No… no…"

"Yes." She insisted, pulling the car into drive and heading off. "Something's wrong with you. I can't just leave you here even if I wanted to and I can't take you home like this. I will not be responsible for you dying. So the only place left is the hospital."

"Shaw Clinic." She went there before when her dads were away. They were generally discreet and treated younger patients without parents' permission. She didn't know if that was legal, but she didn't really care. They did everything a hospital did; they just did it for people without insurance and all that responsible adult nonsense. It was a clinic attached to a neighboring hospital, how bad could it have been?

"What?"

"We can go to the clinic."

"They don't do emergencies. They're not an ER."

"Please." Rachel pleaded. "They do emergency walk ins. They don't ask questions. And they're open all day."

"Agh, fine." She was frustrated and gave in. This wasn't how she saw her night going and definitely not who she saw herself with. "We'll go to the clinic, but if anything happens, it's on you. I did my part… And don't throw up in m car." Rachel's only response was some incoherent babble. The rest of the ride was silent. The only thing exchanged were a few glances here and there. She kept looking at Rachel to make sure she was ok. Obviously, she wasn't because every time she looked, Rachel's face was either scrunched up from pain or she looked like she was desperately trying to hold back the vomit. Even as they pulled into the clinic parking lot, they stayed quiet. She walked over to the other side of the car to help Rachel out.

"I got it. I'm feeling better. I'm ok." Lies… She was not ok, nor was she feeling better, but she needed to pretend.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Rachel was scared. She had never felt like that before. The dizziness she felt before. The headache she felt before. But she didn't get sick. This was sick. The nausea and pain; that was new. That wasn't normal, and she didn't know what it meant.

Together they walked into the automatic doors of the clinic, which was surprisingly, a lot like an urgent care center. "We need help." She said to a passing nurse.

"Sign in over there and someone will be right with you."

"Come on Rachel. We'll go sign in." They walked over to the receptionist area, or whatever the hospital type equivalent was.

"Name?" The tired woman behind the desk's glass window asked.

"Ray…" She started, but was cut off by Rachel,

"Barbara Ray." She informed them as she looked toward her _friend_ who was shooting her weird looks which weren't helping. She wasn't going to use her real name. Small towns talk. And, even if they were outside Lima, word got around on the gossip trains.

"Age?" The woman looked at them suspiciously.

"18." Rachel lied. The woman didn't believe her, but it was policy not to push. Most of their clientele were scared or neglected kids, underprivileged or homeless, and the like. So the woman just asked some follow up questions about her problems and reasons for being there and got Rachel settled for the intake exam.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No Quinn, I want you to leave and pretend you never saw me. This didn't happen. This never happened."

"As much as I'd like to pretend I didn't spend even a second of my time with you, I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because, you need someone here, and, unfortunately, that's me."

"Please go." Rachel pleaded.

"I'll wait in the lobby area."

"Fine."

Shortly after Quinn left the doctor came in. Rachel was changed into a gown and the doctor, who introduced himself as Dr. Franks, started asking questions. When did the pain start? How frequent? What other symptoms? Any nausea and/or dizziness? She answered as honestly as she could allow as the questions got more personal. A nurse came to take some blood as he continued the questioning. When he started asking suspicious questions, questions she thought to be irrelevant, she got uncomfortable. What was he getting at?

"I'm sorry Dr. Franks, how is any of this important?"

"I need a proper history to find the cause of your problems. Each question I ask is relevant. I assure you."

"Just do what you have to do."

"Lie back." He told her. "I'm going to feel your abdomen, tell me if it hurts." Of course it would hurt, she was cramping. Her lower back felt like it was on fire. What did this guy expect?

The exam that followed his findings, both through the exam and the tests, were the longest fifteen or so minutes of her life. And possibly, they were the most uncomfortable moments as well. When she arrived, this was not what she was expecting. A little scolding she expected. A little, "you need to be more careful," she could've understood. Maybe she had an infection from the cuts. Maybe it was the anemia. She didn't know; it could've been. But this, she did not expect. Lying flat on her back, knees up, and a man between them was not anywhere in her projected forecast.

Neither was exposing her secret to him. The cuts weren't mean to be seen. And he made a point to tell her she needed help. "How'd you get these cuts?" He asked.

"I was involved in a particularly bad fall during dance rehearsals." He didn't buy it for a second.

"It's not healthy. It's my duty as a physician to report this so you can get better."

"Report what?" She argued. "There's nothing to report." They went back and forth for a while until she managed to convince him not to tell. She promised she'd stop and get help if he didn't. He was reluctant to agree, but eventually he did. The whole situation was awkward and his talking about her issues wasn't easing the tension. And when he told her what he found, she was stunned. Everything being said to her after that was not heard. Well she heard it, but it was never fully processed. In and out it went. She didn't believe him. She didn't want to. It couldn't be happening.

"I'm sorry." He said, like that was going to help her. "Rest a little. I'll have the nurse that was in here earlier give you a prescription for a low dose muscle relaxant. It will help with the cramps. And she'll have antibiotics to help with the infection. Follow up with me in two days and if it gets any worse, call or come in immediately." Dr. Franks handed her a pamphlet and his card. "If you need someone to talk to, there's a card in the pamphlet with a few names of counselors I highly recommend." He said, pulling up a chair next to her. "You need help Barbara." Barbara? Oh yeah, the _stage_ name. "Don't be afraid to ask for it. I can't ignore the signs. While I have no legal proof that you are hurting yourself, the signs are there. Use that number and get the help you need." What did he know? Who was he to tell her what she needed? She was misplacing her anger because it was easier to be mad at him than it was herself. But she was in a tornado of emotion. She was sad and shocked and angry and so messed up. How could it have happened? Why was it happening? How did she let it happen in the first place?

"Wait." She called as he went for the exit.

"Yes?"

"Is it my fault? Did I cause this?"

"Sometimes it just happens. Most of the time, the cause is unknown. There have been debates in the medical community about whether high stress, both physical or emotional, can be a contributing factor. Proper nutrition is important too. The truth of the matter is, we don't know."

"Thank you." She said as she looked away. She just wanted to be alone. And as soon as he left, she'd break down. "It was my fault." She said to herself. "You caused this. It's all your fault." Furiously, she wiped away the tears. She had no right to feel what she was feeling. It was her fault. How could she be upset when she caused it?

She hadn't even realized so much time had passed until a nurse came in at some point and gave her a dose of something or other. Rachel couldn't have been sure. She wasn't really listening. The kind lady just administered the drugs and told her it would help with the pain. Rachel's mind was blank as she stared at the wall. No thoughts, not pain… nothing. She felt nothing. Suddenly, she missed the agonizing cramps and the pounding in her head. At least then she felt something. She deserved to feel bad. She deserved to suffer, because it was her fault.

She barely understood when the nurse told her that once the IV bag was through she was free to go. "It's just a precaution. It will help you feel better. There isn't much we can do." Nothing made her feel better. Her own mind, her own problems, her damn secrets… they caused it. She caused it. How was she supposed to deal with that? Was there a way to get over it?

The gentle knock at the door pulled her from the black hole her head was spinning in. Nothing made sense. Her life was a mess, as it had been for a while, but she just kept digging her hole deeper. Another knock came from the door and this time the visitor didn't wait for a reply. So as the door opened, Rachel hurriedly brushed away the tears. "Rachel?" Quinn's voice sounded so kind, so soothing, so not Quinn…. What did she know? What was she planning? There was no way Quinn would ever use that voice, the voice reserved for those she cared about, unless she knew something or had something up her sleeves. Which was it?

"What do you want? I thought I asked you to leave." She said coldly as she hugged herself, blanket covered knees pulled to her chest and her cut riddled arms wrapped around her upper body trying to find a way to soothe herself and keep the secrets away from the intruder.

"And I told you I wasn't going to. How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Quinn's posture changed. She looked slightly guilty and a little shy. She was uncomfortable too. "I… I, uh, overheard the doctor talking to a nurse. I know what happened… I'm sorry." The anger inside Rachel was growing, but she, for some reason, couldn't be mad at Quinn. This was entirely on her. No amount of blaming Quinn would change that.

"Whatever." That was all she could bring herself to say. She didn't want to talk, least of all to Quinn. She didn't want to be reminded. She didn't want to live it. She just wanted to forget. And she knew that she wouldn't get the same satisfaction out of her normal pick-me-ups, because, in her mind, they were the reasons she was where she was.

"I don't know what I would've…"

"Stop!" She interrupted. "I don't care Quinn!" She yelled. Calming herself, she repeated, "I don't care."

"I'm sorry."

"Great you're sorry. That doesn't help. You being here doesn't help."

"Do you want me to call someone? Is there someone you want here?" Quinn asked timidly.

"No." It was flat and devoid of all emotion. She was shutting herself off, shoving it into a box so she could pretend it didn't happen. She would punish herself, just not in her normal ways. Her normal routes would just make her feel guiltier, worse, because it'd be a reminder; a reminder that she did this to herself. That a part of her died at her own hand. And she hated herself for that. She hated herself more than she ever did. It was a hate so deep she didn't know she could feel. But she felt it. She was living it. And the pain and nausea were just reminders of such. But she deserved it.

"Then I'm staying."

"No." Not once had Rachel looked at Quinn. She couldn't. Something just stopped her like an unseen force. But she just knew that actually seeing Quinn there, looking her in the eyes… It would've made it worse. She couldn't handle worse.

"You can't be alone."

"Don't you get it Quinn? I am alone. I'm always alone. At school, you make sure of that. At home, your daughter does. Why can't you just stay out of my life?"

"I… I…"

"Leave."

"What? I can't leave you here."

"Please?" Her resolve was fading. She could no longer keep the harsh, unbroken fascia. She couldn't deal with anything and every feeling she had been avoiding decided then to make an appearance. She was on overload and she couldn't take much more.

"Please what? What do you want from me?"

"I want you to leave! Leave Quinn! I don't want you here. You don't want to be here. So just leave. Pretend this never happened. We will never talk about this. We will never, under any circumstances, bring this up. It just ceases to exist. Nothing changes and we just go on."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"Rachel…"

"No Quinn, I don't want to hear it. I just want you to leave."

"I can't."

"Please…" She pleaded, the tears starting to prickle in her eyes again.

"Please don't cry." Quinn said quietly and approached the bed. "I'm here."

"But why? Why are you being nice to me?"

"I don't know." It barely came out above a whisper, just loud enough for Rachel to hear, but it was true. Maybe Quinn felt for Rachel, sympathized, empathized… She didn't know. What she did know was that in that moment, it didn't matter that she hated Rachel most days. It didn't matter that they were the farthest thing from friends. All that mattered was Rachel and her need for a kind and compassionate friend to rely on. With no one else there, that job fell onto Quinn. And she could do it. She'd want someone to do it for her if roles were reversed. And she knew Rachel would've been that person for her. In fact, Rachel, in many ways, was that person for her when she found out she was pregnant with Beth. Rachel convinced her to stay in glee. Rachel didn't make her feel like the school slut. And while she still hated the little midget, she owed it to her to offer the same support.

"What are you doing?" To say Rachel was shocked by Quinn hugging her would be an understatement. Everything about the day was shocking and completely unbelievable, but Quinn being there attempting to be nice was by far the most astonishing of it all; and the hug.

Quinn didn't even know why she did it. Maybe it was part of the comforting. She would want a hug. She'd also prefer it from someone who didn't torture her regularly, but Rachel would have to take what she could get. "Shh…" was her response. She couldn't answer Rachel's questions and she didn't know what to say, so silence was better. Silence was key. She'd be there without really being there; a substitute for whoever should've been there helping her and comforting her, hugging her.

"I want to leave." Rachel's voice was so quiet it almost scared Quinn. The girl hadn't been as boisterous as of late, but her voice had never been as timorous and scared as it was then either.

"Did the doctor say you were free to go?"

"What does that matter?"

"It's important. You can't just leave."

"Watch me." She said with her ferocity back. Angrily ripping the IV from her arm and quickly covering it with her hand, she stood from the bed and pulled herself away from Quinn. She didn't deserve the comforting. She didn't want Quinn to try. She didn't understand a nice Quinn and it was too difficult to bear. If Quinn was being nice, something was wrong, and nothing could be wrong.

"Rachel stop! You're bleeding."

Ignoring Quinn she just demanded, "Get out so I can get changed."

"No!"

"Yes."

"No Rachel. This isn't right. They were going to let you go soon anyway. What's the matter with you?"

Something in her just snapped. She didn't know what it was; maybe it was the day weighing on her or her life catching up to her, but her filter was gone. "What's wrong? What's not wrong? Every day I am ridiculed, picked on, bullied, and abused. But no one cares. My fathers died. The only people who cared about me died. And here I am, shacked up with Mommy, who has a nasty habit of showing up and bailing on me, and Miss Perfect's baby. I live one bad day to the next hoping that it would eventually get better. And it never does! It never does…. And now this happened…. So you tell me," she looked to Quinn, tears flowing freely, "you tell me what's the matter because I can tell one thing from the other."

Quinn watched in stunned paralysis, as a half dressed Rachel crumbled to the ground. What was she supposed to do? She couldn't just stand there and watch someone she always treated poorly, someone she helped put in that position, suffer alone. So she walked over to Rachel, bent down, and held Rachel close to her chest. At first Rachel pushed her away, but she just couldn't fight for long. "Let it out. It's ok." Was it ok? Would it ever be ok? She didn't know. Neither of them did and Rachel certainly didn't believe it coming from her, but that was what was supposed to be said; what needed to be said. "I won't tell anyone. I promise." She needed to hear that and Quinn needed to say it. She was many things, mainly a bitch, but Quinn wouldn't use this to hurt her. And, a part of her, didn't want to ruin her image by helping the pitiful Rachel Berry. As pathetic and terrible as that was, it was true.

Rachel didn't know how to respond so she simply said thank you and then pushed Quinn away. Wiping at her tears once more she said, "I need to get changed."

"Ok, I'll wait outside." With that, Quinn willingly left the room. It was so not how she thought she'd be spending her vacation; with Man Hands at a clinic. Who would've thought?

As Rachel was getting her things together, now fully dressed and covered, another knock came from the door. Assuming it was Quinn she quickly answered, "Come in." Back turned away from the door as she tied her shoe, it wasn't Quinn's voice she heard.

"Barbara, my name is Dr. Winters." She immediately turned around. Another doctor? What did she want? "I'm a psychiatrist at the hospital. Dr. Franks asked me to come talk to you before you left." What? "Would that be ok?"

"Do I have a choice?" Rachel asked as she sat on the bed defeated.

"You always have a choice."

"I doubt that."

"And why's that?"

"Because if I did have a choice, you would've left as soon as I asked if I had a choice by taking it as a 'no, I'd rather not talk.' So clearly you're going to talk to me either way. Let's just get this over with." There was a reason she stopped going to her therapist. She actually had a reason to go. Her fathers got her one when she was a kid to quote, "deal with the atrocities said about being raised by two fathers." As soon as she actually had real reason to talk to someone, like the bullying and the growing eating disorder, she fled. She convinced her father as soon as she started high school that it was unnecessary and that she was perfectly ok. Obviously, that was a lie, but the only time since then that she saw a shrink was when Shelby abandoned her.

"Do you hurt yourself Barbara?" Well, she just got right to the point. No more pleasantries, Rachel just had to talk her way out of it.

"I know you're just doing your job, and I can appreciate that, but I have a perfectly good psychologist that I am working with to help me deal with my issues."

"So you recognize that you have some things to work through?" No…

"Yes, that's the purpose of your job. Isn't it? To help people through things."

"It is. That and to help them understand what's going on."

"Well," she spoke determinedly, "I know what's going on. I lost my parents and I acted out. But I'm dealing with it. Are we done now?" She had to be convincing. Whether she believed what she said or not, Rachel knew she had to be _open_ or she'd just have to talk more. So she'd offer little tidbits.

"You lost your parents?"

"They died in a car accident." Seriously, why was she still talking to this woman?

"And you talked to your therapist about everything?"

"Yes, I see Dr. Blye once a week. She says I'm making good progress."

"That's good."

"Yup…" Rachel did everything in her power to get out of there, to get Dr. Winters out of there, and not have to talk about what happened. But she was forced into having a "chat" anyway. Giving as few details as possible and just enough truth to be believable, Rachel did it, or came close to getting out of it. By that point, they had only talked a little about what was going on and she was desperate to stop. So, when a nurse came in with her prescriptions, it was the perfect out. At first, the nurse was confused. Rachel was still supposed to be on an IV and she was supposed to remove it so that the patient could leave, but she must've been beaten to it. She still eyed Rachel suspiciously. "I'm free to go?" Rachel asked, thoroughly intimidated by all the eyes on her.

"Follow up with Dr. Franks on Friday and call if anything changes. You have all the information you need. Follow the instructions."

"Ok." The nurse left and Rachel stood from the bed sending a challenging glare at the doctor. There was no longer a reason to be trapped in the room with the woman. Quinn was waiting and she wanted to get the hell out of there, preferably without Quinn, but the doctor did strongly recommend she have someone look after her and keep her resting. That wasn't going to be Quinn. It wasn't going to be anyone. The point was that she would win that stare down. Winters had no say. She was free and clear and just wanted out. Nothing was holding her back. Turning to the other woman in the room she kindly said, "Thank you for talking with me, but I must be going now."

"It was a pleasure talking with you too. But before you go, take this." Her dark skinned hand reached out for Rachel's, a small white card sticking out. "I know you have a therapist, but if you ever need to talk, just call that number."

"While I appreciate the offer, I doubt I'll take you up on it. Thank you though. I'll keep you in mind." She didn't allow time for response as she quickly pushed through the door and rushed to find the exit. Quinn, spotting her, called after Rachel telling her to wait, but Rachel didn't hear it. As she made it to the outside, she just stopped, the automatic doors opening and closing behind her and the drizzle moistened the clothes on her skin.

"Rachel?" Quinn called for the umpteenth time. "Let's go to the car. You're getting wet." There was no answer. Quinn just guided the brunette through the parking lot until they reached her car. Sitting inside, seatbelts buckled and engine on and them unmoving, Quinn stared at her. She didn't know if she should say anything or what to say if she should, but she had to say something. "Do you want to stay with me?" Rachel's head snapped in Quinn's direction so fast. Where did that come from? She was shocked.

"Why would you want that?" As much as she didn't want to say even one word to Quinn or anyone at that time, she was actually grateful that Quinn's unexpectedness pulled her from her dark thoughts. It distracted her for just a little while.

"Listen, my mom's out of town tonight helping my sister move so I'm all alone at the house. I was going to stay over at Santana's, but something tells me she rather be with Brittany anyway. So do you want to stay over tonight? You shouldn't be alone."

"I shouldn't be with you either."

"No, probably not, but I'm all you got right now." Wasn't that the truth? Her life was sad; sadder than she ever thought if she had to rely on Quinn for help and comfort. It just proved that she was alone.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Are you planning on telling Shelby?"

"Telling Shelby what?"

Quinn looked at her like she was stupid. "Are you going to tell her what happened?"

Did that question really come out of her mouth? "Seriously?" Of course she wasn't going to tell Shelby or anyone about it… ever.

"I didn't think so." Pulling out of the lot she turned to Rachel and said, "Where are you going to tell Shelby you are?"

"I don't know. I don't think she'd let me _stay_ at Kurt's again, especially now that she knows Finn lives there and they share a room, but I don't know who else to say."

"You could tell her the truth." That was a god one coming from Quinn. Rachel just glared at her. "Or you could lie."

Lying always worked best. Who could she say? Obviously the truth was vetoed. Although Shelby was grossly unaware of the happenings in Rachel's life, saying she was staying at Quinn's would seem like a lie. Even Shelby could see they didn't get along. All the boys of glee were out. So were Santana and Brittany. Kurt was ruled out early. Mercedes could've worked. It would've been believable, but if Shelby, for some reason, decided to question the girl, she would be more likely to slip up and say Rachel was never there. She'd probably do it just to take the solo away by getting her in trouble. So Tina? They weren't not friends… They weren't the best of friends either though. But the question remained. Would Shelby believe it? Would she even bother to read into it and see that it was a lie? Rachel doubted she put that much effort into Rachel's life unless she was bored and looking for ways to drive Rachel nuts. So Tina it was.

_Tina wants me to stay over her house. Would that be alright? I'll be home early in the morning. _

_Are you and Tina even friends? _Shelby replied.

_Of course we are friends Shelby. _She started with that, but she had to make sure Shelby couldn't say no. And Rachel, being the actress she was, had a good idea how to get what she wanted. Mentally, she thanked Quinn for the idea before typing. _Her parents are away tonight and she doesn't want to be alone. No one else was able to stay with her due to conflicting schedules and prior commitments._ So maybe she drove it home a little hard, but she needed Shelby to just say yes. She just needed to get away from her own head for a little while. And while she truly couldn't escape, she had a better chance if she was away from that house.

_Fine. But be home by 11. Aunt Casey wants to take you out. _

_I will be prompt. _

"What did you tell her?" Quinn asked as she watched Rachel put her phone away.

"I simply stated that I am staying at Tina's because she didn't want to be alone and no one else could stay with her."

"Good, she bought it." Choosing not to say anything, Rachel nodded and leaned her head against the window allowing herself to slip into a thought catatonia for the rest of the drive. She vaguely heard Quinn say that she received several texts and missed calls asking where she disappeared to, more specifically, if Rachel went with her, but that she covered for them. Rachel assumed Quinn probably said something nasty to cover the tracks and she'd be right, but knowing didn't make it better. Rachel, too, had several texts from Kurt that she ignored. She'd tell him her phone died or something and that she had to be home. She really didn't care. She didn't even care that she had a few from Noah. He probably just wanted some _personal _time.

Getting into the house felt like a blur. She didn't even realize it was happening until she was walking down the hall and Quinn was directing her to a bedroom. "You can stay in my sister's old room. We use it for guests."

"Thanks." Rachel mumbled and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I know you don't want to talk about it. I understand, but did the doctor say if you needed to do anything?"

"No, nothing." Quinn didn't like that Rachel wasn't talking in long run on sentences. She didn't like that she cared that Rachel wasn't talking in long run on sentences either.

"Do you want something to eat? If you're still nauseous, I can make soup or get you some crackers."

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"How do you feel?"

"How do you think I feel?"

"Ok, that was a stupid question, but I don't know what to say." Trying to get some sort or reaction from Rachel, even a simple look in her direction, Quinn carried on. "Do you want to talk about it now?"

"Talk about what?"

Quinn wasn't expecting that, nor was she expecting the harsh way it came out. Rachel usually just took Quinn's attitude and rolled with it, but it was a slight role reversal. Quinn was being nice and Rachel was the pissy bitch. But she had good reasons for acting that was. "About… about it…"

"There's nothing to talk about. Can I just sleep? The doctor said to sleep."

"Sure." What else was she supposed to say? "Sure Rachel, you sleep. If you need anything, my room's the next door on the right." She hesitated, taking the time to examine Rachel's fragile and broken appearance. She couldn't tell if she was still in pain or what she was feeling, but she didn't really want to either. It was bad enough that they were where they were, she couldn't feel anything else when it came to Rachel. "Goodnight."

Looking back one last time, Quinn left. Rachel was tired. There was no denying that. But she couldn't seem to move. So she didn't. She sat there unmoving, staring at a blank spot on the wall. She was numb. Physically she wasn't. She could feel the random pains and she could feel the dulling churning in her stomach. But emotionally, she was numb. There was so much to feel that she couldn't feel it; not if she wanted to, not if she had to. So she sat there. In the dark, she sat there not thinking and thinking it all.

Her body was weak. She was weak. She just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. Somehow, she fell back onto the bed, now lying down and listening to the rain get heavier and thinking about her day. It was a terrible Wednesday, and, for once, she was glad she missed dance; something she never did without good reason. If that happened there, she wouldn't have been able to explain it away. There'd be a lot of explaining that she couldn't have done and a lot of things she wouldn't want known. But the day sucked. Maybe if she went to dance it wouldn't have happened. Maybe it was karmic justice because she was a terrible daughter, a terrible granddaughter, a terrible niece, and an overall terrible person. All she wanted was to erase the day from her memory. She wanted to forget, but she wanted to be reminded of what she did. It was her fault. Everything bad was always her fault.

There was no sobbing, not then, just silent motionless tears that dripped from her eyes like a leaky faucet as she looked through the window, the world a perfect reflection of how she felt. Dark, empty, void of life, drowning… The makings of a storm. Her life was one storm after another. That's what she thought as the day became too much for her and her body wore out, sleep taking over.

The rays of rain soaked sun peeking through the half drawn blinds woke her early the next morning. The unfamiliar house was silent. No noise. Where was she? She couldn't remember. She tried to block it out, but her memory was quickly returning. She searched for a clock. It was only five. Shelby would be sleeping. Unless Beth woke her up, vacations and weekends had 8 AM wake up calls at the earliest. So she could make it there before anyone was up. And she didn't want to stay at Quinn's any longer. It made things feel too real and it wasn't real in Rachel's mind; not completely.

Getting off the bed, which she realized she was really just laying on, not in, she looked around the room. It was so… She didn't have the right word for it. But she needed to get out of it. So she straightened out the bed leaving any traces of life passing through disappear and quietly searched for a piece of paper. Finding it, she left Quinn a note.

_Quinn, _

_Thank you for… just thank you. I won't tell if you don't._

_Rachel_

It was short, simple, to the point, and lacked much of anything. It was just what it was supposed to be. And it was distinctly lacking the presence of a gold star. She didn't have it in her to search her bag for one, and she really didn't care if there was one. All she had to do was put it somewhere Quinn would see it. So she quietly snuck out of the room and looked to find Quinn's room. With a quiet grace as to not wake the probably sleeping Cheerio, Rachel slowly opened the door. The room was so upbeat, yellow and bright and very Quinn. It was just missing the bitch. It didn't scream "out to destroy those I deem lesser than myself" like Rachel thought it would. It was warm and welcoming, everything Quinn wasn't to Rachel.

"Whatever." She thought as she shook her head in attempt to wipe all feelings of everything away. All she wanted to do was put the note down and high tail it out of there. Tip toeing toward the bed, Rachel stuck the note next to the clock. She assumed Quinn would eventually find it, and it didn't matter if she didn't.

Rachel was gone. She slinked out of the front door, sure to lock it. She couldn't have a burglary or murder on her conscience too. For a sunny day, it was gloomy and wet. It was still raining on and off and the sun didn't do much to warm the air. It was a chilly beginning to March. And while the doctor advised her to take it easy, she really needed to walk. She needed to do something; walking was it.

By the time she made it to Shelby's it was nearly six. She just wanted a long shower to wash the ick of her life away. She was wet and soggy like a drowned rat and everything still hurt. She refused to take the pills. She didn't deserve them. The pain was her punishment and she needed to feel it. Walking in the house, it was the first time she realized how soaked she got and how cold she was. That definitely wasn't good for her health. But really, what else could've gone wrong? For the first time in her life, she'd welcome an ailment just to keep her from the world and the rest of the world from her.

After hanging up her wet jacket, she headed into the kitchen for some coffee. She got everything out of the cabinets and was about to start a pot when she was surprised to find the pot nearly full and still hot. "I just made it."

She jumped, instantly facing the voice. "Casey? I didn't expect you up so early."

"I'm an early riser. Always have been."

"Oh, ok." Rachel couldn't meet her eyes, but she knew her aunt was watching her.

"You look cold. What were you doing? Walking around in the rain?" Casey obviously meant it as a joke, but the way Rachel tensed, head down and hair covering her face, Casey knew something was up. "Why were you walking in the rain?"

"I wasn't." Casey didn't need to know Rachel long to know something wasn't right. Her voice was too quiet and she was just too jumpy.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she moved to sit next to Rachel.

Rachel recoiled away from the touch. "Nothing's wrong."

Holding her hands up in surrender, she put a hand under Rachel's chin and turned her face so they were looking at each other. She could see the remnants of tears and rain on the girl's face. "Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?"

"No! No, no one hurt me. Nothing happened." Rachel turned her head away again and brought the coffee to her face nearly diving into it. "I'm just tired."

She was sure there was more, but she didn't know how to reach out to her. What other way was there if she wouldn't talk? "Did you and your friend stay up all night having pillow fights and sharing secrets?" Casey was joking, trying to bring levity to the solemn child, but it wasn't working.

"Something like that." Again, she was too quiet. "I need to take a shower and get changed. Please excuse me." She stood from the chair abruptly leaving the full cup teetering.

Saving it from spilling, Casey said, "Something's definitely up."

Rachel kept her emotions at bay. She cried enough on the walk back and in the shower. She could only do it when she was alone. She was glad to have her room back; the privacy back. Nothing looked out of place. And she would know. The only thing that had changed was the new additions; hidden prescriptions and pamphlets. There was a lot hidden there; so much more than what met the eye. She spent the hour after her shower just staring at the bland, lifeless room, inspecting it all. She liked Quinn's room better. It was pretty and perfect and blonde and perky. Her room was ugly and broken and drab and dull. Quinn… Better at everything; everything she was not.

Most of the day after that, like so many other moments in her life, felt like a distant memory that she was living in. At some point, Shelby woke up and asked her about her night, surprised to see her so early. Then Casey took her out for the day wanting some quality time with her niece. Somehow, she managed to hold a decent conversation, but she missed the way she was being studied. Each odd movement, each depressed sigh, each small wince… It was all noted.

Looking at her watch for the first time she saw it was after 4. What had they done all day? Where had they been? She was lost; still lost and yet to be found. Would she ever be? Would anyone ever care to look? Did she want them to? "Earth to Rachel?"

"What?"

"You were up in space. I called your name about a dozen times. Where's your head at?"

"I'm sorry. I know I'm not great company… I… I'm just a little tired." And dead inside.

"I was going to take you to my favorite boutique and then out for dinner, but if you're too tired, we can go home."

"No." She said quickly. "No, we should go." She couldn't let her aunt down.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please lead the way."

They ended up at a small clothing shop hidden away in the middle of Nowhere, Ohio. Rachel had never seen it before, but knowing the Corcorans grew up in Ohio, she shouldn't have been surprised that Casey knew a few less mainstream, but incredible, places. "Here, try this on." She vaguely heard Casey say before a beautiful shirt was dangled in front of her.

"I can't." Rachel said. And it was true. She couldn't. The short sleeves would expose her.

"You don't like it?"

"No, it's beautiful. I just… can't." Good excuse. Could she have made it anymore obvious?

"What about this then?" Casey asked, letting the comment slide. Rachel's face cringed. She was enjoying time with her aunt, as much as she could, but she couldn't try on clothes, she couldn't have fun, and she couldn't stand up much longer before her legs gave out. "You have to try on something. I'm your aunt I have to buy you at least one item of clothing. So you pick. This or this?" She gave Rachel two options, both of which she knew would be too big for her and both of which would make her look like a fat cow.

Picking the lesser of two evils, a long sleeved flowy dress, Rachel responded, "I'll try this one."

She felt sick, partially because her body was revolting and partially because of her reflection. She wanted nothing more than to slice open a fresh patch of skin or find the nearest restaurant and do the whole binge and purge. Instead, she stood there, staring, her fingernails digging into her palms until blood was drawn. She wasn't supposed to do that. She wasn't allowed to get her release. Her release caused it to happen and getting the high of it made her sicker. What was wrong with her?

"You ok in there? You're taking a long time."

"I don't like it." Rachel was attempting to get her to back off, but her attempts were futile.

"Come out and let me see it."

"No."

"Please, pretty please?" If she could not disappoint her aunt, she had to try it. So she walked out of the dressing room looking like a creature of the night, ugly and feral. "You're gorgeous." And impossibly thin. It was the first time Casey noticed the frail quality of the girl. Her legs were muscular, yes, but scrawny at the same time. And even with the extra volume the dress gave, Rachel still looked rail thin. It was disturbing and, while Casey knew about what the doctor said, she couldn't help but feel there was more to it. And the girl just looked so sad. She'd get to the bottom of it. She had to.

Casey convinced Rachel to let her buy the dress while temporarily putting her troubling thoughts on hold. She couldn't have that conversation in such a public place, and she wanted to talk to Shelby first. That wasn't to say she wouldn't try to ply information from her niece, because she was going to try, she just didn't know whether their tenuous relationship would allow for much headway. But possibility of failure never really kept her from much. Packing the bags in the trunk and taking off, the two made their way to the last stop of the day.

"Are you not hungry?" Casey was concerned, even more so than before. Rachel's eating habits were weird. She ate, but didn't, and she always played with her food, but normally, she would've at least taken a bite.

"Not really." It was the truth. She wasn't hungry. Even though her body was telling her to eat, even though her stomach would occasionally rumble, and even though she promised herself she'd eat and be better, she couldn't eat. Her mind wasn't hungry. Her body couldn't fathom food.

"Do you feel ok?"

"What? Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You keep grabbing at your stomach." Was she caught? Did she know?

"I'm fine, just some bad cramps." Truth… absolute truth.

"I might have something for that in my purse if you want it." Rachel stopped her aunt's rummaging.

"It's fine. Can we just talk about something else?" Anything else…

"Fine, tell me about Finn." What? Did she suddenly age a few decades and change her name to Maggie?

"Anything other than that?"

"Come on Rachel, Shelby and mom told me all about him. Was he your first?" She nearly choked on the water she was sipping and looked to Casey with something along the lines of horror. "Love Rachel, was he your first love?"

"Oh, I thought so…" She was hesitant. Did she love Finn? Normally, her answer would immediately be yes, and it was, she did love him, but it didn't feel like she did. How could she have loved someone who continually cheated on her? How could she love someone who didn't love her?

"But?"

"But I don't know."

"I remember my first love." The smile on her face was enthralling. "My first kiss, my first boyfriend."

"What about your husband? Was he any of that?"

"He is my one true love. The firsts don't matter when you find that." Realizing Shelby wouldn't be happy with the implication of what she just said, she backtracked a little. "That doesn't mean you shouldn't wait for your first time." Too late… But Rachel didn't want to think about that.

"We don't have to talk about that." Rachel insisted. But, picking upon her niece's squirrely movements and instant discomfort, she decided to keep going.

"Maybe we should."

"Or not."

"When I was 15, my mom sat me down for this talk. It was so embarrassing and I just wanted to run away. And she made it awkward. She told me details and things I never wanted to associate with my parents. But, in the end, she made it clear that she was talking to me because she loved me and wanted to be there for me and she wanted me safe. Has Shelby ever done that for you?"

"Had the talk?" Casey nodded. "No, thank god!"

"I gave her the talk you know."

"Your mom didn't do it?"

"No, she couldn't get Shelby to stay for it. Every time she tried to talk to her, Shelby would run off. So, one weekend when I was home from school, my mom asked me to do it, and I did. We both thought it'd be easier for it to be me than for her to have to sit through it with our mother."

"Was it?"

"Yes, I think. She still tried to get out of it, but in the end, we were closer. She knew she could talk to me, come to me with whatever and I'd be there." Catching Rachel's eyes she added, "Just like you can now." Rachel immediately looked away. Why was Casey being so nice? "I was just like you as a kid."

That caught Rachel's attention. It wasn't what she was expecting. "You were."

"Yeah. Shelby was more of the free spirit. She did what she wanted, whenever she wanted, just focusing on her dreams and having fun. But you, you are like me. You're the good kid. Great grades. Works hard. But you have a wild side too. Don't you?"

"No, I don't believe I do." Not one she was willing to share… "I got drunk once at a party with the glee club and the next day we had an assembly. Once you get thrown up on, you don't do it again." So she wasn't being completely honest, at least she was opening up a little.

"What else have you done?"

"Nothing. That's about as wild as I got." Crazy; crazy was a different story. She had a lot of crazy.

They fell into an easy repertoire, making small talk and eating, or, in Rachel's case, picking at her food. Casey watched her still, worried that she hadn't been eating. But when Rachel saw her staring, she shoved a few mouthfuls down to appease her. It probably wasn't her best move because she was still not 100%. She didn't know if it was psychosomatic or a physical thing, but the nausea was more than just a feeling. "Excuse me." She said abruptly while trying not to draw too much attention to herself. Casey watched Rachel rush to the bathroom.

Throwing up the first time was a natural thing, her body's reaction. But the second time, that was because she wanted to. And then the guilt came in full force. "No!" She screamed in her head. She said she was going to stop, but she felt good when she did it. Cold turkey was harder than she thought. She failed miserably after just one day of trying. What a loser…

Even after she finished, she stayed there and sat on the, less than clean, toilet lid. She was horrible. When the doctor told her… When he even hinted at his theory that… She was devastated. She still was. And shocked; she was shocked too. But then it got worse. That indescribable pit in her stomach got worse when she asked if it was her fault. He didn't say it. He took the politically correct route, but she knew. She knew it was her fault. Malnutrition, physical stress, mental stress… Those were all contributing factors, so was the slight infection from one of her cuts.

And after that, she didn't know what to think or what to feel. But she made herself another promise. Other than being a better daughter and family member, she silently promised, a promise she already broke, to stop, to be healthier, to be better, and to be more. But she was none of that. She was just a failure. Not even 24 hours after the promise and, in a weakened state, she already caved. She did it. She pushed her unhealthy body beyond its breaking point. She just wanted it over. She wanted it all over.

"Rachel?" Oh God, Casey. She forgot about Casey. She forgot where she was. The black hole was still consuming her.

"Casey, I'll be right out." She called through the door, peeking through the crack to watch her leave.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, sorry I took so long. Only one stall was usable and it was occupied, but after a thorough hand washing, I will return to our table."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Ok."

Most of dinner was awkward after that. They were quiet for the most part and Rachel was fighting a raging war within herself. Nothing good was going on in her mind or body. It was definitely not a good place to be. But somehow, unlike everyone else, Casey could see through the walls up. She could see the façade. And she was unrelenting. She saw through everything Rachel did and it made the younger Corcoran both uncomfortably vulnerable and, oddly enough, wishing she could be more open. It was an inexplicable thing. How did Casey do it? How come Rachel couldn't control herself? So because of that, somehow, due to some uncontrollable force within her pushing her to do it, she asked something she never thought she would.

"Was it nice?" She started, but continued. "Do you remember it?"

The timid voice startled Casey. Rachel had been so quiet; she wasn't expecting to hear anymore from her. "Remember what?" Her response was almost immediate. It was one of the few times Rachel had initiated conversation and she was going to take full advantage.

"Your first time…" Her voice was still quiet, but curious.

"My first time?" She had a feeling what Rachel was asking, but if she wanted to know, she was going to have to come out and ask it.

"Yes. What was it like the first time you had intercourse." They both cringed at the way it came out, so sterile and clinical. Both were a little uncomfortable, but Rachel was curious and Casey was willing.

"You want to know about the first time I had sex?" Rachel nodded, too embarrassed to say anything. "You're not going to tell your mother we're discussing this?"

"No, I promise that whatever is said will stay between us." For whatever reason, a reason unbeknownst to Rachel, she wanted to know more about Casey and more about that. Maybe it had to do with her current predicament and how things could've been different, but she also wanted to talk with Casey. If she and Shelby had any kind of real relationship and the taboo subject wouldn't make for an awkward tense conversation, maybe she would've talked to her. But, as it was, she couldn't and wouldn't. However, with Casey, it felt different. It was different. In some ways, it was like having a blank slate with Shelby. It was new. It was like having a surrogate Shelby, only different; she was older, wiser, better…

"I wish I was a little older, but I was 17, almost 18, younger than Shelby, just don't tell her that I told you. But it was nice, as nice as it could've been with someone I only thought I loved. It's hard to tell the difference between love and infatuation at such a young age…" Rachel listened to the story intently, trying not to, but still, comparing her own experience to her aunt's. Puck, Noah, wasn't just some guy. What happened, happened, but she never had any expectations. It was just sex and whatever, like they had talked about and agreed to. "I honestly think that if I had waited for Mark, it would've been even more special and perfect." Her first time wasn't how she expected or when she expected or even where she expected, but it was still pretty special. For a guy who liked to sleep around a lot and was known for hit and runs, he made her feel special. That was what made him Noah.

"What about Shelby?" She asked.

"I don't think so. If you want to know about that, you'll have to ask her yourself." Rachel didn't respond to that. She had been anticipating something like that. She should've, but didn't, anticipate the question she got next. "Have you…?"

"What? Have I what?"

"Have you had s…?" Rachel cut her off. Saying yes or giving any answer would just open doors she wasn't ready to see inside and get to where she was then and she wasn't near ready for that.

"No… No, no, no, no, no… Nope… I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Just like I said before Rachel, whatever you say to me stays between us. I know it's hard to accept, but you can trust me."

"I know I can." And somehow, she really knew she could. But she still couldn't answer that. She couldn't do it. She felt her answer would've been disappointing and her aunt seemed to be the only one she hadn't disappointed yet.

"Rachel," she started with genuine worry in her voice, "is there something going on? Is there something happening in your life, anything that you want to or need to talk about?"

Ignoring it, she grabbed her bag and said, "I think I'm ready to go. Are you?"

Not wanting to give up, but knowing Rachel shut herself off, Casey said, "Yes, I'm ready to go." Check paid and coats on, they were out of there.

A silent ride later and they arrived. Rachel politely said, "Thank you for spending the day with me. I really had a good time and I enjoyed talking with you."

"I liked talking to you too. And you make really good company." Sensing that Casey was about to say something she probably didn't want to get into, Rachel grabbed the shopping bag that held her purchases and vamoosed, effectively bunkering herself into her room.

No one really bothered her for the rest of the night, and the goodnight calls went unanswered as she pretended to be asleep. But being alone allowed for the thoughts to take over again. She journalled about it hoping that would make it go away or at least make her feelings clear. But even into the wee hours of the night, she thought about it. She thought about what she did wrong, about how she could've prevented it. Did she even want that? Maybe it was for the best that it ended the way it did. Thinking that made her want to swallow her bottle of pills and say goodbye to the world forever. Instead, although she really did consider it, she just let herself slip into the ocean of her thoughts and drown in it.

When she woke up that Wednesday morning, she just thought she got her period. She hadn't had it in a while. It had been spotty and light and inconsistent at best for months, but she just thought it was regulating again. She never thought it was this. It was normal. A symptom of anemia was the possible absence of menstrual cycle. She just thought the medicine was working. And the cramps, well, could be explained by a number of other things.

She couldn't have been pregnant. They were careful. They were safe. Except for once… She reminded herself of that. It only takes once and that time after their picnic was that once. And she was stupid enough to let it happen; now dealing with the consequences. She lost a piece of her, a piece of Noah… There was a life inside of her that she didn't know about and it just disappeared.

She was feeling so much and nothing at all. She was just… empty…

She hated herself. She hated what happened. She hated that she got pregnant in the first place. She hated that she caused the miscarriage. She hated it all… She hated everything… And she was going to hate what happened later too. She should never let her emotions get the best of her.

It was late, or early, when she heard it. At first she thought she was dreaming. Awoken by the loud cries of her daughter, Shelby jumped out of bed. Instinctively, she ran to Beth. The blonde child was crying too, she heard it over the monitor, but she was not the one in need. She was just feeding off the sadness of the other daughter. Laying Beth back in her crib and turning on the music box to quell the other noises, Shelby went in a panicked search for Rachel.

Not bothering to knock, afraid that she'd just be rejected, Shelby just entered. Her heart broke at the sight before her. Rachel was curled up in the corner of her room by the window, drowning in a sea of her own tears as she stared at nothing. Shelby didn't know what to do. The girl before her was a fragile version of her daughter that she was just waiting to see. But how was she supposed to help her when, in the past, she barely tolerated Shelby's touch? She decided to take her chances. Her daughter needed her and she needed to be there; her pride be damned. If she was pushed away, she'd just have to deal with it. But she, at least, had to try.

Rachel didn't even hear Shelby come in, never mind hearing her approach. But suddenly, there was a body next to her and arms wrapped protectively around her. Her body acted instinctually and sunk into the touch, falling deeper into her mother's embrace. And, if possible, the tears just came heavier and more frequent. She didn't know she had so many in there. Her sobs shook her body violently as Shelby pulled her closer and began running a hand through the younger's hair. She had no idea what was happening or what had the girl so sad, but whatever it was had to be big if Rachel was accepting her consoling.

"It's ok Rachel. Everything's going to be ok. You're ok…"

"N… na… No… It's not…" She hiccupped out. It was hard to breathe… harder to talk.

"Shhh… Yes it is." Her reassurances only made the tears more furious. Rachel couldn't control anything anymore. She was losing it and she didn't know how to stop. "Whatever it is, it's going to be ok."

"Nu… nothing's oh…. Ok." She couldn't imagine what she looked like, but she felt like crap. Her body ached as the tears poured off her face and she delved deeper into the puddle she created on Shelby's shirt. "It… it's all… all my fault."

"What was your fault?"

"I… I did it…" Her thoughts weren't coherent or fluid. It was more like she was talking to herself more than to Shelby. But she couldn't stop.

"What did you do?"

"I… I… I promise to be better." Shelby was confused.

"Better at what sweetie?"

"I promise to be better…" It was a promise to herself; another one. She wanted to stop. Maybe she had a problem. Maybe she needed to stop. And she could. She wanted to, so she could. So it wasn't a problem. No, she could stop. She would stop. She'd stop everything cold turkey; round two. "I'll be better. I won't be so bad anymore. I promise."

They stayed like that, Rachel's unceasing torment and Shelby's utter confusion, for another hour or so until Rachel fell asleep still sniffling. Shelby didn't understand any of it. She didn't know what happened or what was happening. She just knew her daughter was broken. Something broke her. And it was sick, but she liked it because Rachel finally let her hold her. But that selfishness aside, there was something seriously wrong. But it was too early to figure out what. She needed coffee, lots of coffee, before Rachel woke up and they had a little, much needed, heart to heart about what just happened. What warranted that breakdown? Was Rachel finally dealing with her fathers' passing? Was it something else? She needed to know. It was her motherly duty to know.

Thinking of what could've caused that, Shelby made her way into the kitchen. "How is she?"

"Casey? Jeez, you make it a habit to scare people."

"I'm sorry. How's Rachel?"

"You heard that?"

"Who didn't hear that?"

It was loud, but necessary, she suspected; probably a long time coming. Casey was so worried about her niece. She needed to talk to Shelby soon and see if she was seeing the same signs she was. She had to know, because if Shelby was too close to the situation, she'd be blind to it, and if that was the case, she really needed to say something. And after hearing the girl cry, more like sob gut wrenching tears, her concern grew tenfold. Something was going on.

"She finally fell asleep. She must be so exhausted. Did something happen while you were out with her?"

"No."

"I have no idea what made her snap, but something just broke and she let it all out. I'm going to talk with her once she wakes up. That's not normal. Something else had to have happened, right?"

"Shelby…" Casey looked at her, eyes red with sleep and sadness. "We need to talk… About Rachel…"

**My computer has a severe aversion to the heat and I have a severe aversion to being locked in a room with the air conditioning. So writing has been slower. But this is a long chapter and we're finally approaching the issue. As a bonus, if people actually read my excessive author's notes, here's the working title for one of the very near chapters. **_**Discovery… **_**Do with that what you will. Speculate as you must.**

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	29. Discovery

Chapter 29: Discovery

"I have no idea what made her snap, but something just broke and she let it all out. I'm going to talk with her once she wakes up. That's not normal. Something else had to have happened, right?"

"Shelby…" Casey looked at her, eyes red with sleep and sadness. "We need to talk… About Rachel…"

"Did something happen yesterday? Is that why she was so upset?"

"I honestly have no idea why she is upset." Casey attempted to assure her, but Shelby looked devastated.

"I don't know what's going on." She huffed as she exasperatedly dropped into the seat across from her sister. "I've never seen her like that. When I first found out about her father's and I went to see her, she cried, but this was different. Did I ever tell you how I found out about her fathers' death?" Casey shook her head.

"No, you didn't. Mom and Dad just said that they died in a car accident and that Rachel would be staying with you."

"She didn't tell me… She didn't tell anyone…" Casey could see the faraway look on Shelby's face. Just like her, Shelby didn't know what to make of the situation. There was a lot she didn't know about her niece, she did only just meet her, but there seemed to be a lot Shelby didn't know about her daughter as well.

"So how did you find out?" While she wanted to just get straight to the point, tell Shelby that there was some deeper issue at play, she also needed to hear what Shelby had to say. She could see that her sister needed to talk. Lord knew there was no one else to talk to. It might as well have been her. And, in all honesty, Rachel fascinated her, reminded her so much of herself. The girl was so withdrawn but outgoing, so perfect yet so flawed, and she felt a kinship with her that she wanted to explore. She wanted to be there for her niece, but to do that, she needed to know more.

"A lawyer." She answered flatly.

"A lawyer? What?"

"Yeah…" The day had barely begun and it was weighing on her. Shelby didn't know how she'd make it through. "It was a Monday morning. I was just about to head into work when the phone rang. This guy said his name was Larry, asked for me, and said he was an attorney. I didn't know what that meant. You know? Why was a lawyer calling me? Did I do something? Did something happen?" Casey watched as Shelby relived the event, the whole day, the sadness that surrounded her being reunited with her daughter.

"And?" Casey wanted to hear it. She didn't want Shelby to drag it out.

"He asked to meet me as soon as possible, that it was an urgent matter that needed to be resolved. I had work and it was my first day working with glee, so I agreed to meet him later in the day."She sighed. "It was a rough day. I was on edge running through every possibility, trying to figure out what the lawyer could want. Rachel wouldn't talk to me still. She was being distant and cold. I swear, if looks could kill… Anyway, Will and I…"

"The glee teacher right?"

"Yes, him. We had discussed her fathers, and even Rachel a little bit. There was a meeting parents were supposed to attend. He tried calling them several times… If I had known then…God, how could she not tell anyone?"

"She didn't want anyone to know Shelby. She was probably scared and she was all alone. The only world she ever knew was gone. Her parents were gone. Maybe she didn't know how to deal with it so she wasn't. There was nothing you could've done to change that."

"I could've been there. She spent two weeks alone dealing with it… Or not dealing with it. I don't know."

"Two weeks?" She didn't know that. Two weeks alone, dealing with death, and pretending everything was ok. That wasn't healthy. Casey was stunned. She thought, maybe, maybe it was a few days; two maybe three, but she didn't think it was two weeks.

"I know. It's crazy. But that was what Larry told me. He assumed I knew that they died. He assumed Rachel told people. How was he supposed to know?"

"What else did he say?" Casey asked, trying to move it along.

"He told me that, should anything happen to them, the Berrys left Rachel in my custody. He was told to discuss it with me first before Rachel and if I couldn't, other arrangements would be made."

"So of course you agreed to take her. There should've been no hesitation." Shelby tensed, her body becoming rigid. "You really had to think about it?" Casey asked slightly aghast but trying not to show it. She was failing, but at least she was trying to mask it.

"I… You have to understand Casey. She hated me. I hurt her. Saying yes meant taking in a girl going through probably the hardest thing she has to face and helping her through it when I had a baby at home. That would've been hard enough, but add to that that she really didn't want anything to do with me, and yeah, I had to think about it. I had to make sure I was ready." And she honestly didn't think she was. Isn't that what Schue said when she first walked away. Her daughter didn't want her. She didn't know if she was ready to deal with that either.

"So what changed your mind?"

"I asked what would happen if I couldn't."

"And he said?" Obviously nothing good…

"He said social services needed to be notified."

"They weren't aware of it?"

"I guess it took longer because it was an international thing. I'm not really sure. It doesn't really matter. When he said that she'd be placed in a foster home or a group home I just asked where I needed to sign. I wasn't ready. I didn't know how to handle anything. I didn't know how to help her, but I had to do it." Casey didn't know what to make of that last part. "_I didn't know how to help her, but I had to do it."_ She knew the history. She was there to pick up the pieces when Shelby had to leave her daughter. She was there to help when she decided to leave for New York almost immediately after giving Rachel away. But this was different. A part of Casey wondered if things had changed. For the longest time, Shelby was desperate to have Rachel in her life. That little girl took over Shelby's life without ever having really been in it. Had something changed? Had Shelby given up? Was she doing it purely out of obligation, or was she just burying her true feelings deep enough to keep Rachel at arm's length in order to quell her fears and insecurities?

Keeping her thoughts quiet she asked, "So what happened after that? I assume you went and confronted her about it."

"Not right away."

"Shelby…" She said in a very scolding manner.

"I didn't know what to say. I had to wrap my head around everything first and I just needed to be with Beth. I needed to hold my baby and feel that the world was still a good place."

"So you went home to your baby when she was perfectly fine, but left your hurting sixteen year old to continue fending for herself."

"It wasn't like that Casey. Don't make me out to be the bad guy here." She felt like her family just loved attacking her parenting. "As soon as I came up with something, anything to say, I found someone to watch Beth and went straight to Rachel." Casey sipped her coffee as she urged Shelby to continue. "She wasn't home when I got there, which was odd because it was late and she had school in the morning. I knocked and waited, but no one was home so eventually I just looked for a hidden key and let myself in. And then I waited inside. It was getting late and I was so tired. I ended up falling asleep on the couch while waiting for her."

"You fell asleep?"

"I fell asleep." She confirmed. "I was woken up by an angry Rachel. She kept telling me to leave and I kept asking her where she was. It was around midnight. She should've been home. It was back and forth, but she was sweaty and cold telling me to go. 'You shouldn't be here.' She said. She kept throwing adopting Beth in my face and then she stormed away." Casey thought it best to just let her continue, no interruptions. "I had to wait 20 minutes for her to get out of the shower and even then, she just ignored me, trying to will me away. I tried telling her that I knew what happened, I asked her why she didn't tell anyone, and I assured her I'd be there for her. Eventually, she just laid in her bed and cried. So I curled up next to her and tried to comfort her even when she pushed me away. That was the only other time I think she ever let me hold her."

"Except for tonight."

"Yes. And not once did she say that they were gone. She never said they were dead. It was like she physically couldn't."

"Probably because she couldn't Shelby. She was in denial hoping that it was all a lie. Admitting it would've been accepting it."

"We never really talked about it. Do you think I should have?"

"I don't know right and wrong in this situation. I just think you need to be there for her however you can, in whatever way she'll let you." She sighed before asking, "What about now?"

"Now what?"

"You said that when you first took her in, you did it because you had to. And now, is it still just something you have to do?"

"I wish I could say it wasn't, but a part of me still feels it is. She doesn't want me. She doesn't talk to me unless she has to. I doubt she wants to be here. I mean, she makes an effort. But maybe that's not enough. I love her, but I don't know if that's enough." Maybe she wasn't enough… Maybe she wasn't a good enough mother…

"You have this ideal in your head that the perfect family is you, the baby, and the picket fence, but maybe Rachel was what was missing the whole time. Maybe she's what you needed all along."

"Even if that's true, until today and even today, she never opened up to me. She never leaned on me. She doesn't need me."

"But maybe you need her. And whether you believe it or not, she needs you too. She's a struggling teenage girl who is going through more than we could possibly know and she needs her mother. Especially now…"

"Maybe you're right. Maybe she does need me more than she lets on, but I wish she'd come to me, ask me for help, lean on me… Wait, what do you mean especially now?"

"I don't know Shelby, there's something going on there."

"Where?"

"With Rachel. Have you noticed anything off about her? Has she been acting strangely?"

"You mean, with the exception of cry fest? No, no more so than usual I guess."

"You honestly haven't seen anything?"

"What are you getting at Casey?" Shelby wasn't planning on discussing her daughter's flaws. Yes, she noticed Rachel's odd behavior, but it really wasn't much different than when she first moved in. If anything, Rachel got so much better at hiding things and pretending to be alright that Shelby just wrote off the few things she did notice as flukes.

Hearing Shelby's nonchalance and reading it as something more than the front her sister put up, Casey got a little upset. "Get your head out of your ass Shelby and be her mother."

"What is with you and mom? I'm doing the best I can."

"Well, your best really sucks. You're either missing all the signs or you really don't care enough to see them."

"What signs?"

"There's obviously something wrong here." She said with attitude. The plan was to calmly talk to Shelby, to tell her what she was seeing, and see if she was seeing the same. But then Shelby goes and says something that irritated her. It wasn't even completely horrible, but she wasn't seeing the big picture. Shelby didn't know how to be Rachel's mom so she wasn't being one at all. She was the enforcer, the punisher, the rule setter, and the warden, but she wasn't the maternal figure that Rachel needed her to be. "She needs you to see that."

"So you do know why she was crying? Please tell me. I want to help her, but I can't if I don't know what's wrong and she wouldn't tell me."

"No Shelby, I don't know why she was crying." Seeing her sister about to go off, Casey quickly cut her off. "But I do know that she is not ok. I may not have known her very long, but you have to see it too."

"What is it that you're seeing?"

"She doesn't smile Shelby."

"Yes she does."

"No, not real smiles. When she thinks no one's looking, she just sinks. Her body tenses and she looks like she's one glance away from bursting into tears. Apparently, I was right."

"Do you think that was about her dads?"

"I think that's only part of it. There's so much more to it."

"Well then, please enlighten me. What else is going on with my daughter?" She sounded almost angry; upset that Casey thought she knew more than she did about her own daughter.

"I don't know what to tell you Shelby. But she is tiny. She doesn't eat…"

"She does eat. I make her eat. You should've seen her when she first came here. Then, then she didn't eat."

"Shelby…" She reprimanded. "Something's not right here."

"So much isn't right here. She should've been stressing about boys or, with her, glee, not dealing with the loss and burying her parents."

"They were buried? If no one knew, did she have a funeral for them?"

"Rachel never said what she did with the ashes, but the lawyer told me that they were cremated."

"So you haven't talked to her at all about that?"

"I tried. She doesn't really want to talk to me about anything. I'm lucky if she gives me an honest answer when I ask about her day."

"Force her to talk."

"I do. That's the only reason I know what little I know now."

"Ok. Did she say anything while you were with her?"

"Yeah actually, she did." Shelby started. "She said that it was her fault. She said it was all her fault and that she was going to try to be better."

"What did she think was her fault? And be better at what?" Casey asked confused.

"I have no idea." Shelby said exasperatedly. "She just kept saying it over and over. 'I'm going to try harder.' 'I'm going to be better. I won't be so bad anymore…' 'It was all my fault.'"

"That is… That's not…" She was at a loss. Obviously, there was some missing information, but Shelby didn't seem to have the answers either.

"I know." Shelby was getting frustrated.

"She's not ok."

"Don't you think I know that?" Shelby snapped. "Obviously things are not ok. If they were ok, the doctor wouldn't be worried about her weight, I wouldn't be worried about her running away every time I do something wrong, and she wouldn't be spending half the night crying, practically making herself sick until it's so exhausting she just falls asleep."

"Calm down Shelby." Casey tried to pacify her sister, but it was no use. The lack of sleep, the long night… It was all building up and it didn't take much, or long, for her to crack.

"Rachel is sleeping… Beth is too. You need to calm down or you'll wake them and we both know that poor girl needs some rest."

"Fine, I'm calm." She wasn't, but she refilled her coffee cup and sat back at the table, doing her best to keep her emotions under control.

Sensing the opening, Casey started to search for answers to the questions she had. She needed to figure out what was going on with Rachel or she wouldn't feel right leaving in that Sunday. "How has she been at school lately?"

"She's Rachel. She has perfect grades. She shows up to class, most of the time. She never talked much in my class, but I guess, the other teachers have said she has been quieter."

"And her work? How has that been?"

"She does her work. I make her do it in front of me as a punishment, but she usually has weeks' worth done in advance."

"Shelby I think…" Casey's thoughts were cut off by the phone. She was just about to give Shelby her ideas and speculations when the interruption came. No, there was no real proof, just a tiny Rachel and a depressed girl, but that was all she needed to be convinced that there were major issues at play; major issues that Shelby needed to be aware of.

"Hello…. Hey Will… Yeah, sure… I completely forgot about that… Yes, I'll be there. No problem, bye."

"What was that about?" Casey asked as Shelby returned.

"I have to go to work today. I forgot there was a meeting for all faculty and Will wanted to run some ideas by me after."

"And you're just going to go?"

"I have to if I want to keep my job. Will you be ok with the kids?"

"I'll make it work."

"Thank you." Shelby hugged her sister to show her gratitude; not just for watching her daughter's, but for caring about them too.

"This conversation isn't over though. Your daughter needs you and there are still a few things we need to discuss."

"I know, but right now, I have to get dressed and get out of here before I'm late."

Casey watched a scattered and tired and emotionally strained Shelby rush around the house getting ready to leave. Something told her that things weren't going to end well. Things were going to get worse before they got better, and she needed Shelby to see that to. If nothing else, she needed to prepare Shelby. Whatever was going on in Rachel's life, they needed to be prepared to deal with it, and she was going to help them through it.

Upstairs, Rachel didn't want to get out of bed. Her body screamed at her not to move, not to breathe, to just let go. But, looking at the clock, she knew she had to. It was hours later than she normally slept. And though she'd prefer to pretend the breakdown never happened, she knew that wasn't an option. Shelby was likely to be all over her once she walked out her bedroom door. But that could wait another ten minutes. The day could wait because she didn't want to leave her bed. She had no reason to. Her world was void of all reason. She had nothing, no one. There was no reason to force herself into the world. It wasn't worth the exertion. Life wasn't worth the fight sometimes.

It was nearly nine when she finally dragged herself out of bed. She was being lazy, and that was unlike her, but she just didn't care. And prolonging the inevitable "talk" with Shelby seemed the best possible scenario. After a quick bathroom trip, she grabbed her robe and sleepily headed downstairs. Time to face the dragon.

Casey watched her sluggishly move about the kitchen much like her mother had just hours earlier. Nursing her own cup of coffee from the fresh pot, Rachel sat down at the table. "Good morning." She said to Casey, hoping that she didn't know about the breakdown. Shelby was nowhere to be seen, so at the very least, she got somewhat of a reprieve.

"Morning sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." She answered quickly and defensively. What kind of question was that? Why wouldn't she be anything but fine? "Where's Shelby?" A change in topic was in order and she needed to know what parts of the house to avoid.

"She had to go to work. You're stuck with me and Beth today kid."

"Oh, ok." Good!

Casey didn't know whether or not to broach the subject. She didn't know if it was her place. It was possible Rachel would be more receptive to opening up to her since she didn't share the resentment filled past that Shelby had with her. But she also wanted Rachel to come to her. That would be ideal.

Rachel, however, was planning on pretending it never happened. She didn't know that Casey knew about it and since Shelby wasn't around, it was time to head into denial land. As Rachel went to head back into her room, Casey stopped her. All she wanted to do was lie back in bed and do nothing, speak to no one, and maybe catch up on sleep. "Where are you going?"

"My room."

"Why don't you go get dressed then meet me down here?"

"Why?"

"We're going out. It's a nice day. I thought we could take Beth out for a little while. It will be fun." She wasn't convincing. Rachel wasn't buying it.

"I don't feel like going out. I have work I need to get caught up on and glee ideas I want to go through."

"Still, go get dressed and I'll make breakfast. We can't stay cooped up in the house forever."

"I'm not hungry."

"Hungry or not, you need to eat."

"Whatever." It was a rough morning, but they managed to get out of the house by noon. It was warm out and Casey wanted to go to the park. It would be quiet enough so they could talk and Beth could play. They'd have a picnic, and she'd watch what and how much Rachel ate because she barely touched her breakfast. She had a plan. She didn't know how well it'd work out, but she still had a plan.

As a slightly unwilling participant, Rachel joined the rest of the Corcorans to the park. It was an unusually warm March day, in the sixties when the Ohio average was in the fifties, so it was a good park day, but they were still bundled up. They didn't want to chance getting sick. It was a calm day. Rachel still wasn't feeling well and Casey had to be more focused on the wild Beth who wanted nothing more than to run around, but Rachel could feel she was being watched. Any chance Casey got, she looked over to Rachel. Sometimes she attempted small talk and left openings for Rachel to talk about whatever, but she never got that. Rachel spoke when spoken to. Other than that, she stayed silent and away from the group. And she stayed as far away from Beth as she could. It was nothing against the tiny blonde, but Rachel just couldn't look at any child under the age of two and not feel a pang in her heart. But that distance worried Casey. The distance between the two sisters wasn't what she had witnessed during her visit. Rachel never made it a point to do everything and anything with Beth, but she did play with her and read with her on occasion. Lately, though, that had changed. And their relationship was back to what it was nearly a week ago when Casey first arrived. It was disconcerting.

Casey abruptly stood from the bench they were sitting at, Beth in her arms drinking juice. "Hold her for me Rachel." The teen shook her head furiously. "Please, I need my hands."

"I can't." Rachel said adamantly. She couldn't.

"You can, please Rachel." Casey tried once again to pass the toddler to her. Rachel had no choice but to take her. "Thank you. I'll be right back. I'm just running to the car."

Rachel was uncomfortable, handling Beth like she never held her before. "I'm sorry." She whispered to her sister. "I know you want me to hold you and play with you."

"Play!" She interrupted. "Play!"

"Yes Beth, I know you want me to play. But I don't know if I can. Every time I see you… It's just too hard. I feel… I… I'm sorry." She needed to keep Beth at arm's length. She may not have been ready for motherhood, but losing a baby still hurt and she would've loved and cared for her child ready or not. But holding Beth reminded her she didn't have that chance. She may never have that chance again. And she never, ever, would with the baby she lost. It wasn't fair. Nothing was fair.

"Rashel play!"

"Rachel no play… Not for a while. Ok Beth. I know you don't understand and I'm sorry." She looked around. The park was empty save for the occasional passerby and dog walkers. Her aunt was still out of sight. Feeling safe with her surroundings she quietly said, "But there was a baby in my tummy." Saying it out loud, pointing to her stomach, even to someone so small she didn't understand, just made Rachel sadder. There was a baby there. "But the baby went bye bye. And every time I see you, it makes Rachel very sad." She didn't want to cry. She wouldn't cry. Why was it she could only talk to a kid? "So I'm going to stay away from you for a little while. I'm sorry if that makes you sad. It might make me a little sad too. You're actually a good kid, no matter what demon gave birth to you." What else was there to say? Was there anything? Nothing she said would even register. Beth would still bug her to play and hold her like she always did. Nothing would change. It would just hurt more when it happened.

"I'm back!" Casey announced as she approached carrying a lunchbox. "Hey, you ok?" It didn't take a genius to see the damaged look on Rachel's face. She should've covered it up better.

"I'm fine." Rachel responded and put Beth down to walk over to Casey. "Go to Aunt Casey Beth."

"Hey big girl. You hungry?" She asked as she scooped the little girl into her arms.

"Food." Beth said while clapping her hands. This time pointing to the bag she squealed, "Food!"

"Yes, food for Beth's belly." Casey pulled out a child's decorated container full of Beth's snacks as well as some of the other things she liked to eat. For herself and Rachel, she made salad. Opening up the food for Beth and pushing one container of salad toward Rachel, she said, "I figured salad would be a safe bet. I didn't know what vegan food with travel well so I went simple. I hope that's ok."

"Salad's good, thanks." Rachel took the food, opened it, and played with it.

Again, she didn't eat though. She still couldn't bring herself to put the food in her mouth and chew. She knew she needed to. It was part of fulfilling the promise she made, but she couldn't. Her actions looked suspicious. Normally she'd cover it up. But now, she just couldn't eat, and she didn't care enough to cover it up. It wasn't her issue doing it. She physically had no appetite. It wasn't about weight. It was about grief compounded, multiplying over and over until it was too much to bear.

"Is something wrong with it?"

Smiling a shy smile, Rachel said, "No, it's perfect. Thank you."

"You're not eating it."

"I am, I just really have no appetite. I do appreciate the work you put into it though. It was very courteous of you to think of my needs."

"It wasn't courteous Rachel. I'm your aunt. That means I'm inclined to think of you."

"Well thank you."

"You need to eat though. You barely touched your breakfast or you food yesterday. Are you sure everything's alright?"

"Everything's just fine. I think, however, that I need to work up an appetite. I'm just going to walk around a bit if that's ok." Permission or not, she was doing it. She stood from the table, closed the lid, and walked away. At first she just wandered around a little, but she found a slightly secluded swing that could barely be seen from the table they were sitting at.

Casey watched her niece all deep in thought, the younger girl's brow furrowing and the fake happiness she exuded gone. Rachel had been through so much in such a short time. Her mother sought her out only to leave her, adopt a baby, and come back soon after that. If that wasn't enough to handle, her parents died and she was forced into a life she wasn't ready for. Casey didn't understand how she was as together as she was, but she could see the glue becoming undone.

"Baby!" Beth giggled putting her hand on Casey's stomach.

"What did you say Beth?"

"Baby."

"No, no baby in Aunt Casey's belly."

"Rashel baby."

"What about Rachel honey?" Casey asked confused. What was Beth talking about?

"Baby!"

"No baby for Rachel."

"No baby?" Beth pouted.

"No baby Bethie."

"Rashel baby." She cried again pointing to Casey's stomach. It was hard to figure out what was going through the toddler's mind. Casey had to wonder where she picked that one up. Did Shelby have a pregnant friend? Obviously there was no baby in Rachel. Right? Rachel was just one of the few names she was close to mastering. Yeah, that was it. Wasn't it?

"What's going on?" Rachel suddenly appeared and stared at her confused aunt. Casey was lost in her thoughts.

"Nothing. Sit. Eat."

Letting out an aggravated stare, Rachel thought the right thing to do was just not argue. She may not have been hungry, but she could appease her aunt. But she couldn't do it for long. Every so often, Rachel would check her watch, unaware of Casey's scrutinizing gaze. "Do you have somewhere you need to be?"

"What?" Rachel's head snapped up from the mesmerizing array of lettuce and vegetables.

"Do you have somewhere you need to be? You keep checking your watch."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude." Without saying anything in return. Casey just watched her. She looked like she was contemplating something over. And she was. She was asking herself how much she could trust Casey. She was asking whether she could ask her for a ride without too much questioning or if she would have to go and grovel to Quinn for a ride because she didn't want anyone else knowing or even sniffing around the idea of Rachel and… She just didn't want anyone to know.

Deciding it was time to say something, Casey went with a different topic. She'd ease her way back. "You're still not eating."

"Casey?" She didn't even hear her aunt's last statement and Casey was aware of that.

"Yeah Rach?"

"If I…" She started timidly. Could she do it? Could she ask Casey for anything? She said she would always be there, didn't she?

"What? If you what?" Casey was hoping for that moment of clarity where Rachel would see that she was there for her. Maybe this would be that moment. Probably not, but maybe she'd at least open up a little.

"If I, uh, if I asked you… If I asked you to bring me somewhere, would you do it?"

"Where do you need to go?"

"Would you… Would you do it with no questions? And you can't tell Shelby."

"Rachel, what's going on? Why can't I tell your mom?"

"You just can't! Please…" She pleaded, only making her aunt more concerned.

"Where do you need to go?"Her voice was soothing, an even tempo that calmed the nerves.

"Can… Can't you just drive me? I'll give you directions in the car."

"Sure, if you answer just a few of my questions." Casey said as she started packing up the things and carrying Beth to the car.

"No questions. I said no questions." Rachel insisted as she followed behind her aunt and sister.

"Just a few I promise, and they aren't about details."

"What questions then?" Rachel knew it wasn't a fight she wanted to have. She'd let Casey ask the questions and see where she took things, but just because she asked didn't mean Rachel had to answer.

"Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No." Was she? Maybe… What was considered trouble?

"Is whatever I'm taking you to do dangerous?"

"No." Not to anyone or anything but her own psyche.

"Will you be alone?"

"Yes, no, sort of… It's complicated." Rachel stumbled on her words. Casey was watching and taking note of every move, every action, and she goes and does that.

"It's complicated? What does that mean?"

"I guess… It means that, while I will not be with anyone from school or glee, there will be people there with me. So, no people will be there. I guess that means I won't be alone."

What the hell did that mean? Casey wanted Rachel to trust her. That was the only way to get her to come to her, but she needed to know more. However, she couldn't ask the questions she really wanted to ask without pushing the girl away further. So she asked what needed to be asked to make sure Rachel was ok. "Do you need money for whatever?"

Rachel was thankful for the line of questioning. Her aunt didn't ask questions she couldn't or wouldn't answer. "No."

"Do you need me to stay with you or go in with you?"

"No!" Rachel panicked. "No, you can't come in. You can wait in the car out in the parking lot or you can take Beth and go shopping or whatever and then pick me up after when I'm ready. Do anything, whatever you want, but you can't come in." Her breaths were becoming short and shallow like she was on the verge of a panic attack. And she was. It had been a while, but she was. She knew what to expect when she got there, but she knew nothing at all. She was just scared. She felt scared and alone and empty… So, so empty…

Worried about her niece, Casey pulled over on the side of the long road. "Ok Rachel, I won't come in. Just calm down. You're ok." Casey assured her. "I won't come in. I'll wait outside with Beth while you go in. But if you want to get there, you have to tell me where to go."

Finally catching her breath, Rachel pointed to the end of the road and said, "Turn left there." The rest of the trip was silent except for the random directions that Rachel gave for Casey to follow and the sounds of Beth gurgling and babbling in the back seat. "Here. Pull in here." Rachel said as they approached their final destination.

The clinic? Why were they there? Casey wasn't sure what was going on. "What are we doing here Rachel?"

"No more questions. I'm running late. You'll be here when I come out?" Rachel's eyes pleaded with her to just leave it at that and answer the question.

"I'll be here when you get out." Rachel began to open the door when Casey's hand went to her shoulder. Turning to see what Casey wanted, Rachel just looked at her. "Are you sure you don't want me to come in?" She heard Rachel say she was running late. Obviously she had an appointment. But what was the appointment for? Whatever it was, it wasn't something she felt comfortable going to her regular doctor for and she went out of her way to get it. There were closer places. What was going on?

"I'm sure. Thank you." She said with little to no conviction. Maybe she did want someone there with her, but she didn't deserve it and she couldn't ask that of anyone, especially not someone as nice to her as Casey was. "I'll be back as quickly as possible." With that, Rachel left Casey to wonder.

A clinic… Odd behavior… Weird appetite… Maybe she had this wrong. Beth said… Beth said baby. Rachel's baby… Oh god, no it wasn't true. It couldn't be.

While Casey was running through everything in her head, thinking and rethinking over the last few days, Rachel was inside the clinic. She signed her name on the sheet. She waited for Barbara to be called because that was who she was there; Barbara Ray. And when she was finally called, the tension in her body only increased. The questions were hard; not to answer, but to say. She had to watch the tissue leave her body. Tissue… That's what her baby was reduced to. She had to watch the tissue leave her body over the last two days and the doctor wanted her to talk about it. Changing it from dead baby to tissue wasn't making it any easier to talk about. And it was just something she wanted to forget about anyway. But no, that wasn't possible.

He wanted the gory details. He wanted specifics. How much? How little? How are you feeling? Pain here? Pain there? Has anything happened? Anything changed? He did an ultrasound and an exam to see if any tissue was left. It was still uncomfortable, still not something she ever wanted to do, but she did it. She had to, or she chose to for some unknown reason. She knew Dr. Franks was just doing his job; doing what he had to do, but she still felt wrong. Everything always felt wrong. But apparently, things were alright. Things seemed to pass as they should have. Because those _things_ should have passed in the first place… Insert sarcasm here…

God, what happened to her life? What happened to the happy goal oriented girl that wanted nothing more than Broadway? When did she stop being that? When did things change? Now she was nothing but a world of problems. Miscarriage… Death… Shelby… Bullies… Puck… Noah… Her… Her _issues_… Everyone… Everything… Life sucked. When did she let that happen? How did she let that happen? One day she was the most loved little girl in the world with two of the best gays a girl could ask for and the next she was living with a mother who hated her and wishing for the end to come; for her soul to be taken so she could just rest. She wanted so badly to just give in. She wanted so badly to just accidently cut a little too deep or swallow a few extra pills, and maybe soon she would. She just wasn't totally there yet.

"Did you hear me Barbara?"

"I'm sorry, what?" She looked up to the doctor, finally pulled from her dark and somber thoughts.

He talked to her, a look of pity in his eyes. As he told her what to be aware of, warning signs for infection and other serious side effects, all she saw was him thinking, "Poor girl, such a disgrace. Was pregnant and lost a baby all before the end of high school. And look at her. She's hideous." He probably wasn't thinking that at all, but that was what she got. She saw bad where there was good and worse when there was awful. There was no more good left in her world; none that she knew of anyway.

"So if you see any of those signs, come in immediately to avoid any further and more dangerous complications."

"Ok." She barely heard anything he said to her.

"Take it easy for a while Barbara. It's a difficult time and stress isn't good for you. If there's any pain, you still have the prescription from your last visit. Take it if needed, although you shouldn't need it."

"Thank you Dr. Franks."

"Get dressed, you're free to go." Free to go… Free to go… What exactly did that mean? Was she stuck there if she wasn't? And where exactly was she free to go? Was she free to go home, a term she used loosely, to face her own hell in the privacy of her room? Was she free to roam around without a constant reminder of everything she lost and would never get back? What was free to go? Clearing her mind, she slipped back into her clothes and started out.

Casey was still outside with Beth, still thinking about the possibilities. Mostly, she was trying to figure out if Beth was right about Rachel. The only problem was how to ask Beth. Would she understand? "He Bethie, did you have fun at the park today?"

Nodding, she said, "Park!"

"Yeah, you had lots of fun with Auntie Casey and Rachel huh?"

"Rashel play!"

"No, Rachel's in there, she can't play with you right now."

"Rashel!"

"She'll be back soon. I think." Casey felt like an idiot for doing this, but she was going to press the subject with a tiny little thing that could barely form full coherent sentences. "Did Rachel tell you about a baby?" She asked unaware of what or any response she'd get.

"Rashel baby!" She said as she tapped on her stomach.

Things weren't looking great, and when she saw Rachel come out all dazed and eyes slightly misted, it didn't give her any relief. Rachel just walked closer, arms wrapped tight around her frail body and got into the car. Casey immediately fastened Beth back into her seat and headed for the driver's side. Starting the car, she waited for Rachel to say something only to stay in silence. "Are you ok?" Casey broke the nothing that enveloped the car.

"Fine." Not fine, not fine at all for so many reasons…

The rest of the ride was filled with the noise of radio music and Casey's quick glances over to Rachel. What happened? What had the girl so upset? More and more things were pointing to the new theory, one given to her by a child. But her other theory stood too. She was conflicted on what to do. Where was Shelby when she was needed?

Finally arriving at the house, Casey took Beth and put her into the playpen while Rachel tried to rush off. "Hold on Rachel." Casey called.

"Ok." Rachel returned to the living room and sat on the couch trying to come up with an excuse to get out of there. She had been avoiding taking all day. She didn't want to start then. But she was honestly drawing a blank. She had absolutely no good reason to find her escape. She used everything already. And when Casey sat across from her, the look on her face made Rachel wish she had some good excuse. Something was going on. "What's going on Casey?"

"Rachel… I…" How to start it… How was she supposed to ask? Was it appropriate for her to ask? She didn't know proper aunt etiquette in this case. Things here weren't normal. So she decided to just blurt out the question. "Are you pregnant Rachel?"

"What?" She asked appalled that her aunt would even think that. It finally happened. The one person who she didn't feel looked completely down on her and wasn't extremely disappointed in her now was. As calmly as she could manage, she answered, "No." No… "I'm not." Anymore…

"You have been acting… strange. You don't eat or you eat everything and then run away to the bathroom. Something's going on. Talk to me sweetheart."

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. I'm fine and I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant! Nothing is wrong!" She got angry, repeating herself over and over, a sense of panic filling her body until she was gasping for breath and walking back and forth around the room.

"Oh god. Rachel." Casey tried to stop the younger girl's pacing. Standing directly in front of her, she put her hands on Rachel's shoulder's. "Look at me honey. Breathe. You're ok. Just breathe." It wasn't helping. Rachel was still panting and near tears. "In and out. You got it. Just breathe in and out." It took a lot of time and effort, but Casey got Rachel's breathing normal again. She still looked like she was seconds away from a nervous breakdown but she was breathing again. "I'm going to get you some water. Don't move." Where would she go? She wasn't together enough to make it anywhere. Returning, Casey uncapped the bottle and handed it to Rachel. "Here. Take small sips and don't forget to breathe."

"Thank you."

"Of course Rachel. I just want to help. But what was that? Was it about what I asked?"

"No. What you asked was ridiculous, unfathomable, and almost liable. I'm just…" Just what Rachel? "I'm just tired and thirsty. If you'll please excuse me, I must be getting some rest. I didn't sleep particularly well last night and I'm afraid it has caught up to me."

She rushed out of the room so fast she barely heard Casey call, "Wait Rachel! I just want to talk."

Casey heard the door slam shut. Rachel locked herself in her room and cried, again. She cried and cried until she actually fell asleep, again. Meanwhile Casey was thinking of what to do. What had she done? She didn't expect Rachel to react like that. Or maybe she did. She really didn't know. But she did know Rachel could be volatile. Knowing enough not to follow Rachel and hound her some more, Casey sighed heavily and plopped on the couch. Pulling out her phone she sent Shelby a text. _When are you getting home? We need to finish our talk. ASAP._ She received a response fairly quickly. Shelby was making it a late day so they had a few hours before Shelby would be back. That gave her some time to figure things out. What was she going to tell Shelby now? What were the most important things to get out? Did she leave out the clinic visit like Rachel made her promise? What to do… What to do…

Just a little while before Shelby would be returning, hours spent debating and rethinking the whole Rachel situation, Beth was getting sleepy. "Come on kiddo, naptime." There was something she knew she wouldn't get wrong. She may not have handled that right, but she didn't know what she did so wrong either. "Let's get you to bed." Carrying Beth up the stairs, they passed Rachel's room and Casey whispered, "Say night, night to Rachel."

"Rashel cry." Beth said stunning her aunt. There were barely audible muffled sounds from Rachel's room; sounds that were dying down as Rachel fell asleep.

"Rachel's sad, but we'll make her better. We'll try. But right now, it's bed time."

Lying Beth in the crib, Casey turned on the music box that Beth liked and went in search of a book. She found the book case dusty, practically cob webbed. Obviously Shelby preferred to sing rather than read. Those books hadn't been touched in some time. All except for one spot was dust ridden. She pulled out the one book that looked worn and used thinking it must've been Beth's favorite. But it wasn't…

Casey sensed something was wrong shortly after her first meeting with Rachel. One minute she was robotically perfect and very involved and then she'd be withdrawn. Her eating habits were off. She was sure she saw the napkin trick being used. She recognized it. She used it before. It was a terrible trick that she was ashamed to know. But all doubts about her observation skills and whether or not she was just seeing things were quelled. The proof was in her hands. She found it hidden in Beth's room, the initials R.B. and a gold star adorning the top of the purple notebook. It was definitely Rachel's, and it was definitely incriminating.

The question was…. Would she read it?

**Hope the chapter was up to standard. I've been dealing with some medical issues. Still am, but I'm trying to keep up with my updates. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**


	30. Immediate Action Required

**I'm trying something different this time. If you left a comment, I'm responding. Check out the bottom of this page. **

Chapter 30: Immediate Action Required

Casey held the book in her hand and examined it. She wasn't sure what it was exactly, though she had her theories. Rachel's initials were on it, so she assumed it was her niece's, and it looked vaguely familiar; a lot like the journal she caught Rachel writing in occasionally. But then why would it be in Beth's room in the book shelf? If it was there, did it mean it was open for reading; privacy policy void?

She wasn't sure what to do. She so desperately wanted to get the insight into Rachel's life the notebook would provide, but she couldn't figure out if it would be worth it. They were slowly building a mutual understanding and trust between them. It was more on her side than Rachel's, but it was something. And she didn't want to ruin that progress. Reading the girl's private thoughts could've very well done just that. So again, she asked, was it worth it?

On the other hand, Rachel was floundering. Casey could tell she was teetering on right and wrong, living on the edge in this crazy whirlwind of feelings that she couldn't understand. There was so much under the surface that they didn't know but needed to know. If the thoughts written in the book she held would tell them what they needed to know, confirm what they thought so she could give Rachel the help she needed; then shouldn't she have read it?

She was so confused. That wasn't unusual when it came to raising teenagers, but the situation wasn't dealt with by every parent. Casey formulated two separate, yet very much possibly connected, ideas and she didn't quite know what to do. And the answer, or at least the evidence to point her in the right direction, was probably right there in her hand. But she thought about what she'd have done if her mother read her diary. She thought about what she did do when Shelby did… It wasn't pretty, but in the end she forgave her sister. And if she did read it, it was for a good cause. It was for Rachel's well being. That had to count for something. It wasn't like she was just going to read it to read it. There were reasons.

But did it? Things were much easier with her son. Safe sex talk, questions ask dad, she was there if he needed anything… He was easy. Was she that hard to figure out as a kid? Her poor parents. She pitied them. They had to raise two teenage girls. How horrible. No wonder they grayed so early in life. Thinking about them gave her an idea. She needed some advice. So she pulled out her phone, dialed the familiar number, and waited.

"Hi Mom, it's Casey. I need some advice."

"Tell me what's going on baby."

As Casey conversed with her mother, Rachel searched everywhere for her journal. Hours of the day were wasted crying and angry and upset, and she needed to stop. She was really trying to control what she was feeling, but she needed to get it out. She needed to write it down, purge the tainted-ness from her body like she wanted to do with the little food she consumed that day.

She could've sworn she hid it in its normal spot, but it wasn't there. Her memory was shot. She couldn't really remember anything. But she could've sworn it was there. Where was it? If it was gone, she'd literally have to kill herself. If her secrets got out, everything would be over. Her life would be over too; literally and figuratively.

She must've hidden it somewhere else; she convinced herself. But where? Where had she put it? Thinking about it was driving her crazy. If it was lost, she didn't know what she'd do. If anyone read it, her life would be over. Her secrets would be out. Her life wouldn't be worth living anymore. So she had to find it before that happened. No matter how depressed she was, knowing that she had the few things left to keep private, the few people that she still liked to spend a little time with… They were the only hopes in her life; the only reasons to keep going. So she couldn't let the words on those pages become public knowledge. She couldn't, and she wouldn't.

So where was it? When was the last time she saw it? Where was the last place she used it? She didn't have the answers. Or somewhere, in her drained, undernourished brain, the answer was there, but she couldn't access it. She couldn't do what she needed to do. What was wrong with her?

"Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?!" She hissed aloud to only herself in her hasty attempt to find her journal. She ripped through her room, tearing apart all her hiding places. Every nook, cranny, and crevice was inspected, torn apart, and void of what she sought.

By the time she was finished, she was worse off than when she started. Not only did she have to worry about where she left her journal, but the usually orderly room was completely destroyed. Her clothes were scattered; some clean, some dirty. Her back pack was emptied, the contents littered about the floor around the desk. Other things she had hidden, secrets locked away, were then exposed. Everything she did just made her life that much more of a mess.

She just needed to get out of there. She needed out of her room, out of the house, and out of her life. Her head needed clearing and her body needed movement, so she needed out. She left her room, locking the door behind her and went in search of Casey. She knew there would be some explaining to do. As good an actress as she claimed to be, she knew she didn't do a very good job covering up her emotions earlier that day, but if she played her cards right, she could get away without Casey asking one thing; at least without answering anything.

Casey was still in Beth's room when she heard the ruckus coming from Rachel's. There was banging and booming, like things were falling and being thrown around. Teenage acts of aggression, blowing off a little steam… She tried to assure herself that that was all it was. That she could deal with. That she didn't have to interfere with. And she didn't want to interfere if she didn't have to.

"Mom, thanks for listening and helping me out. I'll be sure to tell Shelby what to do. I love you and I'll call soon." She quickly hung up with Maggie and walked toward Rachel's door, the notebook still clutched tightly in her hand. There were grumbles and groans and mumbling through the door. Rachel was upset. Casey knew that, but she didn't know if the aggression was a good sign meaning she was letting whatever it was out, or if something was going on. When she heard an angry, "Where is it?" she knew that Rachel was searching for something, probably the thing she happened to find for her and she really didn't want to stand there and listen to it.

Deciding not to give it to Rachel just yet, unsure if she was going to read it or not, Casey just kept walking. Maybe the destruction would help Rachel work through things even if it wasn't intentional. It was something that, although she wanted to stop it, to just hug Rachel and make things better, she deemed it necessary. Until she knew exactly what was happening, she just need to let things play out.

Her mother gave some sound advice. Sure, she didn't know the not so hypothetical friend issue she posed was possibly about Rachel, but what she said made sense. But the truth was, she was still only speculating. She didn't really know what was going on. Beth told her Rachel was having a baby. It was possible, but how reliable was a toddler barely able to form sentences? It would explain the weird appetite and frequent bathroom visits, but not the weight loss. Granted, Casey only ever saw Rachel at her current weight, but she saw pictures Shelby had of her at some Glee competition early in high school and she was much fuller then; not fat, just fuller.

Casey also thought that, and she thought this after just a day with Rachel, she had some sort of eating disorder. Or at least she had the makings of one. She was either eating nothing at all, picking at or playing with her food, or she was eating everything and running to the bathroom right after. While she never caught the girl doing anything in there, and a part of her never wanted to follow her and find out, she had her suspicions. Why Shelby didn't notice all of this was beyond her. The point was that something was seriously wrong.

Her heart was breaking for the hurting child who stole her heart in just a few short days. If she was pregnant, she was struggling. She was lost and confused. That much Casey could see. But she was that before. A baby on top of that just made things more complicated. She didn't know if Rachel could handle that. Maybe Shelby should've had that sex talk with her when she first moved in. Casey doubted Shelby even suspected Rachel was having sex, especially since she was so opposed to her nearly seventeen year old daughter dating. But she wasn't jumping to conclusions. It was possible that there was no baby. Rachel could still be a virgin. She didn't know, but she needed to. If there was a baby, and that was what the clinic visit was about, there were two reasons for Rachel, who had insurance and a primary care doctor, to go there. Abortion or prenatal care that the person didn't want others to know about… Casey wasn't sure which scared her more; healthcare that wasn't from someone trained in the field, someone who Rachel would be comfortable with and confide in, or the possibility that she was so scared and so alone that she decided she couldn't handle it, that she had to get rid of the baby.

Casey was by no means a strict conservative. Politics weren't her thing. Her stand on abortion was that women had the right to chose. Their body, their choice. But this was her own flesh and blood. She didn't want to think of Rachel all alone in that room having a procedure she probably wasn't sure about and losing a piece of herself in the process. The only way to help her with that was to be there, and Rachel wasn't very accepting of comfort. And if there was still a baby, she needed to remind her niece that, Shelby's reaction aside because she was sure her sister wouldn't take that well, she'd always be there. She'd support her and help her anyway she could; whatever way Rachel allowed.

Her thoughts were everywhere, scattered much like she assumed Rachel's were. If she was feeling all that, she couldn't imagine what was whirling around that teenaged brain. Whatever was going on, whatever the scenario, they needed to know. They needed to help her. To do that, they needed to know exactly what was happening and to what extent. Because of that, she decided to read the book. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe it wasn't but it was something she felt necessary.

Hidden away in the room she currently called hers, Casey sank onto the office couch with the journal still pressed in her hands debating her next move. No, that wasn't true. She knew what she was going to do. There was no doubt in her mind that she would open it up and read as much as she could. Yet, she found herself in a battle of morals. Do it or don't? Was it right or not? Was it an invasion of privacy? Would Rachel forgive her if she ever found out?

Regardless, she had to do it. It was more than a compulsion to know. It was her quest for truth and answers; her trying to help someone she cared about. So without further qualms, she opened it up. The first page was just a name page. In big, bold letters it said, "RACHEL BERRY." Stars of many colors adorned the rest of it with a few hand drawn music notes for good measure. It was so colorful and inviting that it almost looked like it was going to hold a bunch of sunshine and roses; happy thoughts of a happy kid. But Casey knew better. She doubted she'd find much of that. She was even surer as she flipped through some of the pages. Some of them just looked angry or sad. It wasn't the happy writings of a well balanced child. It was the manifesto of a troubled teen. And she chose to read it. The first page she stopped to read was toward the beginning, dated when her fathers were still alive.

_Dads left again… AGAIN… I shouldn't expect anything else. They've been doing this for years, but it still hurts. Can't they just love me more than their vacations or their so called "work."? Why am I never worth it? Why can't someone just choose me for once? …_

"Casey?" She heard accompanied by a light tap on the door.

Scrambling to keep her page and hide the book at the same time, Casey responded, "Uh… uh… Come, come in Rachel." She may have looked suspicious, one hand hidden under a pillow holding the book open to the same page and hidden from her niece's curious view. But Rachel wouldn't question it, not openly. That would require prolonged talking, and Rachel really didn't initiate that. So Casey would just have to deal with the questioning gazes that she knew Rachel would give.

The door opened and Rachel stepped in. "Can you take me to my dance class?" She asked as she fidgeted. She looked like a meth head coming down from a high looking for the next score. Something was definitely going on. With everything she saw, she was just collecting further evidence.

"I thought you didn't have class this week."

"It's optional because so many of the dancers go on vacation with their families, but I've already taken so much time off and I asked Renee if she was there and if I could come and she said she'd be happy to dance with me. Some one on one time as we get closer to the recital is just what we need." Rachel explained.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Casey asked hesitantly. She took her niece to a clinic that day. And while she still wasn't certain the nature of the visit, if she was pregnant or had an abortion or whatever health issue it might've been, she didn't think dancing was the best idea, especially when Rachel seemed like she'd take it to an extreme.

Curious and a little confused, Rachel asked, "Why wouldn't it be a good idea?" She was questioning herself and what Casey knew. Did she leave clues? Was the question about the visit that day? Did she know more than she let on? Was the veil slipping and the truth slipping out? That was a thought she didn't wish to ponder.

"Well…" How did she phrase what she wanted said? She didn't want to say too much or too little and she wasn't ready to give what she may or may not have known away. So what did she say? "You went to the clinic today." Point of fact…

Rachel's head snapped. They weren't supposed to talk about that. "I thought we agreed not to bring that up." Moreover, she didn't want that brought up. She didn't even like that Casey knew she ever stepped foot in that clinic, never mind her ever finding out why.

"You asked that I don't ask any questions and not tell your mother. I didn't do either of those. I wish you would talk to me; tell me what's going on. But right now, I'm not going to pressure you. I'm here for you Rachel, however you need me, I'm here. But I need to know that you're ok enough to go to dance and be alright. I can't take you without knowing that much and I am trusting you to be honest with me." Rachel was slightly bothered by the concern on Casey's face. She definitely knew more than Rachel told her. She even looked a bit guilty, but Rachel would give a little. Though, she didn't believe in that blind trust Casey seemed to be handing her. Why would she do that?

The doctor told her to rest and take it easy for a few days, and she kind of did that. Maybe a little, for a few hours at least… That meant she wasn't lying when she answered; she didn't want to totally screw up that trust. "Everything's fine. Nothing will happen when I go." Because walking there or getting a ride, she was going. "I assure you that I'm fine."

"Are you positive?"

"One hundred percent." Casey was skeptical, but accepting. She was going to continue to give Rachel that trust and hope it would be returned eventually.

"Ok, what time do you need to be there?"

"Seven works." It was 6:30. They got home in early afternoon. Rachel stayed in her room for a good three or so hours. Beth's schedule was out of whack so she was taking a late nap which meant Shelby wouldn't be happy when she didn't sleep later that night. And while thinking of Beth she couldn't help but hope that the little girl didn't spill the possible baby beans to her sister. That wouldn't be a good thing; not in the slightest. There was a lot wrong with their dysfunctional family.

"Let me see what Shelby says and if she's says ok we'll go."

Not happy she responded, "Fine. I'm going to go get changed." And she was going to attempt to start on the mess that was her humble abode. Not likely much would come of it, but she needed something to occupy her hands in wait. Idle hands were the devil's play thing. Or, in her case, they were the path to self destruction; a path to an addiction she craved to feed but did her best to stay away from. She wasn't doing so hot. That was why she needed out of the house.

Casey heard Rachel head back upstairs and pulled the journal out of hiding. Grabbing her cell she quickly told, not asked, Shelby what she was doing and turned her attention back to the writing. However, she was just finished rereading the little she already read when she received a reply. _Ok. If she wants to go it's fine. Put some food in her bag and I'll be home by the time she's done._ "Of course, you decide to come back after all the drama and craziness." She may have been talking to herself, but she was talking to Shelby. She was always an avoider. If she knew something wouldn't end in her favor, she avoided it or had someone do the dirty work. That wouldn't work with Rachel. She needed to get knee deep in the issues and pull Rachel out of the abyss.

Even knowing Rachel was waiting and she had to get Beth up, Casey was reluctant to move. She wanted to keep reading. She needed to keep reading. Her finger kept itching to open it and flip the pages. "No, no you can't." She insisted as she threw the purple journal in her purse and left the room before she changed her mind. "Rachel." She called. "Rachel, I'm going to get Beth and we'll go. Be ready." She wasn't looking where she was walking, but as soon as she got to the stairs, she saw Rachel there waiting, surprisingly with Beth.

Rachel did look a little uncomfortable with her though. It was like she was holding a contaminated substance she didn't want to come in contact with her body. She held Beth away from her so they were touching just enough to know the baby wouldn't fall off her lap and she swore she saw Rachel turn away every time Beth looked at her. Everything Rachel did just further proved what Casey already knew and made it that much more confusing at the same time. "We're both ready." Rachel said as she stood from the stairs and, as quickly as she could, passed her sister to their aunt. "I'll be in the car."

"What are we going to do with her Beth?" Casey asked as Rachel ran from them and slammed the door on her way out. Beth's only response was a little laugh as Casey tickled her belly. "Let's go before she pulls a Shelby and beeps the horn over and over until we leave."

As they began to drive in silence, Casey decided she wanted to say something. The earlier outbursts, the tears, the feelings, and the theories… It was all too much and she knew it had to be worse for Rachel. So, it was only right that she said something, anything. "Rachel, about earlier…" That caught the girl's attention.

"What about it?" She was uncomfortable again. All she wanted was to forget. She wanted to pretend it never happened. There was no baby and no miscarriage. It never happened, but how could she forget if everything just reminded her. She shifted in her seat gingerly looking to Casey. "Why are we talking about this?"

"I've said this before, but I need you to hear it again. I'm here for you, whatever's going on. I don't know what your life was like before you moved in with Shelby and I only know what I learned in the short time we've known each other, but you are my family. I love you like family should. When things get rough, I'm not going to leave you." Rachel turned away. Casey could see the words were affecting her. The more she spoke, the more Rachel shied away. "I can't begin to understand losing a parent or both and being thrown to a mother you barely know." That was a kind way of saying it. Casey was ashamed to admit it, but her sister denied the girl. Maybe it was a coping mechanism, but it was the truth. "Both my parents are still alive and, even as an adult, I don't know how I'd handle their loss. But you're handling it so well. I'm so proud of you." Casey took her free hand and rested it on top of Rachel's. With a quick glance, she could see the girl cringed at the words, but at least she didn't flinch at her touch. _Proud?_ How could Casey be proud? And how could she let Casey be proud? She didn't know what was done, what she did, what she was doing. She wouldn't have been proud if she did. "And obviously you're going through something pretty serious, but I won't judge you. Whatever you tell me, I won't judge."

The words were sweet, touching, but Rachel wasn't responding to them. She didn't feel she deserved the kindness her aunt offered. The acceptance she knew she didn't deserve. So if she didn't deserve it, how come Casey kept offering it? Over and over she'd offer support and acceptance, why? Rachel could feel that she was sincere, but for some reason, her only response was a stubborn comeback that wasn't even a comeback as much as a brush off. "Yeah. Right. Sure. Whatever."

"I know it's hard to believe because you don't really know me, but I will always be here. You're stuck with me now and forever." She looked to Rachel as they sat at the red light right before the turn into the studio parking lot. "And I want to say that I'm sorry about earlier."

"What are you sorry about?" She was quick to question.

"I'm sorry that I offended you. I was just worried about you and it was possible I jumped to conclusions." Or, that Rachel was in denial. There were many possibilities."I'm sorry if I hurt you. That wasn't my intention at all." Casey concluded as they pulled into park.

"So what? No you don't think I'm some teenaged slut who likes to sleep around and get knocked up in high school?" The words came out bitter and angry, but, in so many ways, that was how she saw herself. That was why it came out like it did. That was why she jumped out of the car, slammed the door, and stomped into dance class leaving a stumped Casey behind.

Rachel marched into the studio a little heated and a little worse for wear. The doctor said a few days of little more than bed rest. But what did he know? He didn't know her body or what she could handle. She would be fine. She needed to be fine both physically and mentally whether she really was or not.

"Hey Rachel. It's good to see you again. I'm glad you could come in today."

"Thanks Madame Renee. I'm glad to be here." She returned an innocent smile and stripped her sweats off her body. Her dance skirt was over it, the leotard and tights under it and changed her shoes. There was no need for the locker room that day.

"Rach, I think it's time you dropped the formalities. I've known you for a long time. No more Madame ok? Just Renee."

"Ok." She blushed. It was just another thing she did wrong. "Is it just us today?"

"A few people came by earlier, but right now it's just us. We'll have some one on one time. It'll be good. We can work on that jump that was giving you trouble." And another fault was pointed out…

"Great, let me just get warmed up." Renee agreed and joined Rachel at the bar to stretch out and warm up their muscles.

Together, they'd run through her solo a few dozen times and work on a few segments of the first act. Rachel overworked her body and pushed it to limits it wasn't ready to surpass after such an internal trauma, but it gave her that high she was searching for; unwittingly of course, but it still gave her that high she craved. And even though she gave a flawless performance as Renee told her, she still felt so far from it. She still felt dirty and used and disgusting and terrible and so imperfect that the realm of ok didn't even seem a possibility. And she just kept dancing, hoping beyond hope that the feelings would change because she didn't know how long she could withstand them.

Back at the house, Casey and Beth were lounging around. After getting Beth's dinner settled and setting aside some of the pasta she made for Rachel and Shelby, she went back to the journal. It still felt wrong to read, but so, so right as well. "What do you say Beth? Are you going to be a good girl while Auntie Casey invades Rachel's privacy?"

"CayCay!" She said while giggling. That was her name for Casey. It was close enough.

"I knew you would, because you're always a good girl, aren't you?" Opening the book back to that page, she began reading from the same spot.

… _They always leave. I just want them to be here again. It's just trip after trip and me all by myself. What did I do wrong? Why don't they love me like they used to? Am I that repulsive that they can't stand to be around me? I don't understand. I really don't. _

_They are who I want to come home to… My parents… My dads… But I don't even have that anymore. I have myself and no one else. When I come home the house is empty. When I go to bed, I say goodnight to myself. There's no one to turn to anymore. I have no friends, no family, no mom, and apparently no dads. I have no one. I'm just that much of a loser. All three of my parents can't stand to be around me. _

She couldn't read any more of that page as a pain filled her chest. Hoping to find something, anything lighter, she skipped around to find another that called to her.

_I saw Shelby today. She didn't see me though. I'm glad she didn't. I saw her with Beth. I saw her with my replacement. I wasn't good enough for her. I just wasn't enough for her so she went out and got a newer, better version. Of course it had to be a baby that came from a torrid affair between my tormentor and a guy I almost lost myself in. That week was a good week and I don't remember any other good weeks since. _

_If Quinn didn't take enough from me by taking everyone I care about, Finn and Noah… half the glee club loves her more… Of course they do, they all hate me. Well if that wasn't enough she had to give her perfect little spawn to a woman who basically said she couldn't love me. I wasn't what she wanted. But Beth was. I guess that makes sense. Nobody loves me. Everyone wants the best and that was what came of a one night stand between one Noah Puckerman and the likes of Quinn Fabray. You get perfection… You get everything I'm not… She'll no doubt turn out to be beautiful and talented. She'll surpass my looks more than she already has and she'll beat my talent by the time she's able to talk. _

_And where does that leave me? Alone… Loveless… Motherless… I'm so glad she didn't see me. I couldn't handle more rejection from her. I didn't want to see the disgusted look on her face when she saw me; the same look that I have every time I look in the mirror. I couldn't stand it if I did. She doesn't want me. I don't need her to make me feel any worse than I already do. I have enough things to haunt me. _

She had enough of that passage to. She didn't know the hurt her sister caused, but it was clear that there was some deep seeded insecurity where Shelby was concerned. That was further proved the more she read. Whatever the girl did, she was worried it would be wrong and Shelby would leave her again. She was worried about disappointing everyone more than she already had. What had her sister done to the poor kid? If she was only there, things would've been different. Pushing the sadness and empathy she was already feeling, she read on.

There were pages and pages of lists; lists of names she had been called or names she called herself. That was how she saw herself; useless, ugly, worthless, a failure. The list went on and on. She was both disturbed and angry to see that written. Her niece was perfect. She was none of what she thought. Her heart was breaking, shattering in the pain she felt for her niece. That pain in her chest was just radiating, spreading like a wildfire.

And her heart nearly fell from her chest as she read one simple sentence.

_Ms. Pillsbury caught me trying to make myself throw up today, but I managed to convince her it wasn't possible… no gag reflex… _

It got worse from there.

_That wasn't the first time I did it. It was the first time I dared to try it in school. I only did it a few times before. But I had to. I ate too much and I was getting so fat. What else was I supposed to do? Exercise wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. But I only did it a few times, a few dozen maybe. I preferred just not eating. It wasn't like anyone was there to catch me and it wasn't a problem, so every once in a while, a little purging wasn't such a bad thing. Who would it hurt? No one… And I never thought I'd do it at school. I promised myself I'd only do it at home when I ate way too much, but I couldn't help it. _

_I walked into the bathroom and heard someone else doing what I did. And I had to do it too. It was like a sign telling me it was ok. A sign was telling me to go for it; that I wasn't the only one, and I knew it needed to be done. I needed to do it. I craved it. It was like the first time all over again. I felt amazing. It was perfect. And I knew then, that I'd do it again. I had to, but it was good. I needed it. I was getting too fat for my own good. Thin was better. I need to be thin to dance and to be featured in glee. I need to be thinner to be happy. I just need to be thin…_

Again, her heart broke the more she read. She was delving deeper and deeper into the psychosis and none of it was looking good. The illness was something that had been building for years. And no one noticed. It almost made her believe that Rachel truly was alone and she didn't like it. She skipped a bunch of pages after getting deeper and deeper into the disturbing thoughts and she didn't want to read the intimate details about losing her virginity. That was something she could only tolerate if Rachel wanted to talk to her face to face. Then she'd listen because that was what people did for those they care about. No matter how bad it ached, her heart swelled when she landed on another random page. There was a paragraph about her.

_I met Shelby's sister too. I guess that makes her my aunt Casey. She seems nice. She's everything I wish Shelby was. For the first time, it felt like she wasn't seeing me as Shelby's daughter, someone she was obligated to talk to and get to know, but as my own person. Even if that person wasn't so fantastic, she saw Rachel. She left me alone when she thought I needed her to. She tried to get to know me like she really wanted to know. I really wanted to get to know her too. But I'd only disappoint her. She's too nice to me for me to allow that. I can't let her in. I won't. Eventually she'll leave and I'll be broken again. I can't be anymore broken…_

Life was cruel to her niece. The bullying seemed to be a never ending cycle. The people around her seemed to torment her or get her to love them and then disappear. Slushies? Who did that? It wasn't fair. How much could one person handle? If she got all that bad from less than twenty pages of the hundred or so that were there, she was scared to see what the rest held. She was literally afraid.

On one of the last pages that had writing, she found yet another answer. It wasn't the answer she wanted to find. She may have needed to know, but she was hoping it wasn't true. There was confirmation for an eating disorder; no doubt. But pregnancy too? She just wanted to drag her niece out of that dance studio and squeeze her. She wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be ok. It was no wonder she broke down. She needed to break down or she'd explode.

_The doctor told me I was pregnant. There was a baby inside me. And now it's gone. I did this to myself. And I killed my baby. I'm a monster. I'm a monster! I'M A MONSTER! What did I do? What did I do to deserve all of this? Can the world really hate me that much?_

"Are you crying?" Shelby scared the crap out of Casey. She didn't even hear the door or her sister approaching, nor did she realize the utter wetness that had taken over her face. "Oh god, did something happen? Is it Beth? Are you ok? Is it Rachel?"

"There's definitely something wrong, but not with me and not with Beth."

"Then who?"

"With Rachel Shell. There's something seriously wrong with her."

"There's nothing wrong with my daughter." Shelby insisted.

"Nothing wrong? Nothing wrong?! Shelby… I'm pretty sure I took your daughter to have an abortion." She didn't mean to say it. She wanted to keep the thought to herself, but it just came out. It slipped from her mouth and the moment it did, she regretted it. Her hand immediately went to her mouth like covering it up would make it go back in there. It was in the heat of the moment and not her secret to tell. She wasn't even sure if it was an abortion. Rachel could've been so messed up that she thought the baby dying was her fault. She didn't know, but it didn't matter. It was out there then and there was no taking it back.

"What?!" Her voice couldn't go any higher. "You did what?!"

"Shelby, keep your voice down. Let's talk. We need to talk."

"No, no more talking about anything else. I just need to know what you meant. How can she have an abortion if she has never had sex?"

"She's not a baby Shelby. It's plausible to think she had sex before."

"Well I choose to believe that she hasn't." Casey knew better. She read Rachel's words. She read the truth. Rachel's virginity was gone. No amount of denial would repair that.

"Then you're ignoring a huge piece of her life. You're her mother. She needs you to talk to her about this stuff."

"I've tried. She doesn't want to talk to me about the weather never mind things like that." Shelby was ignoring the idea of abortion. Rachel wouldn't do that. She wouldn't have sex, and without sex, there was no baby... That was the way of her mind.

"It shouldn't matter if she wants to or not!" She was getting heated. "All that matters is that you do it. She's struggling and she feels alone. She shouldn't feel that when you're right here and you're capable of being everything she needs. You're her mother. You need to be her mother!"

"I am being her mother! I do everything I can for her. I do everything she allows me to do and she still hates me. Do you not understand how hard it is to have someone you love so much hate you as much as she hates me? It's hard."

"If it's hard on you, imagine how hard things are on her."

At first Shelby was speechless. She didn't know what to say. She was just drowning in self pity, and Casey was seconds away from punching some sense into her. But she was more tactful than that. She'd simply enter her hands into the water and pull Shelby to the surface of that self pity so she could breathe again. She'd be the life raft.

"I think she has an eating disorder. No, I know she does." There was no more dancing around it. They did enough of that. She just needed to say it. The baby matter could be put on hold. It was emotionally scarring, yes, but it was "taken care of." The eating disorder wasn't.

"That's not true. The doctor said she was just too active. She needs to eat more to do all that she does." Shelby was in denial.

"I don't know what your problem is, but we have to do something Shelby. We can't ignore it. She's slowly killing herself…"

"No she is not!" Shelby interrupted.

"She is slowly killing herself, living in this world of hurt, drowning with no life boat. And we're just sitting around. We have to do something now… I… I don't think this is a problem that's going to go away on its own. We have to help her."

"I think you're reading too much into this. One breakdown that was months in the making doesn't mean she needs help. I just need to get her to talk to me. I need to get her to open up."

"That's not enough. Why can't you see it? She's as thin as a rail. My left foot weighs more than she does. I've heard the elliptical several times since I got here. She dances so much and pushes herself so hard, but she eats nothing. And she makes herself throw up when she does!"

"No she doesn't! I never saw that."

"She does Shelby. She's sick. And she needs our help."

"Maybe you're exaggerating. You have to be. She wouldn't do that."

"How do you know what she'd do? You don't really know her at all. She shows you what she wants you to see and nothing else. If we don't help her, if we don't get her help… These problems are going to eat away at her and there'll be nothing more to save."

"That's not true. Don't say that. How do you even know any of this? Did she tell you?"

"She didn't have to tell me Shelby. The moment I met her, I knew something was wrong. Something just wasn't right. It just took me a little while to figure out what it was. Now I know and I don't know what to do about it."

"I don't know what to do either. I don't believe any of this. It can't be true. It can't be."

"It is, and the sooner you accept that, the better it is for Rachel."

"How am I supposed to accept this?"

"You do or she can die."

"She's not going to die." She was freaking out a little. "How do you know any of this? What are we even supposed to do if it is true?"

Casey stood from the table and walked closer to Shelby. Shelby just wasn't getting it. To her it was still a what if, but to Casey it was a fact. She knew they needed to do something soon, because if they didn't, there was a good chance there'd be no coming back from it. Rachel was in dire need of help; of Casey's and Shelby's and all her friends. Immediate action required…

"Read this Shelby." Before leaving the room, Casey placed Rachel's journal down on the counter where Shelby was leaning. "Read this." She repeated. It was the only thing she could think to do to convince Shelby. So she left the journal with her sister as she went to pick up her niece.

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**I want to say that I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful comments. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and/or added this to their alerts. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think or if there's anything you'd like to see happen.**

**Guests**** Since you don't have names, I'm going to combine this into one response. Thank you for taking the time to review. Signed or not it's very much appreciated. I wish my updates were faster too. I'm sorry that they're not always timely, but I write between 5 and 15000 words per chapter for both my current stories and have a life to live, so I'm doing my best. And I like to edit as much as possible and make sure I produce something of value. No one wants to read crap. I hope you stick with me. Thank you for wishing me a happy birthday and wishing me well. I'll do my best to be faster. I hope you continue to enjoy the story and keep telling me what you think. **

**crayolakid0413**** I love to play with emotion and I do my best to make it as realistic as possible. So thank you and I'm glad you're enjoying my story. The tipping point is coming. I have a few ideas and I'm just trying to decide which I want to use. Once I figure that out, well… you shall see. **

**ilovekc**** I'm glad you liked the chapter. More to come that I hope you'll enjoy as well. No need to buy me a muse I work for free and I work hard. Sorry that it took so long. I'm doing the best I can. Story is not done! There's still so much to tell. **

**UmPaDee**** I enjoy the occasional cliffhanger. Rachel does have some bad luck in this story. I wasn't going to do the baby thing, but it will play a part in what's to come. Puck will be involved, so look out for that. I like the character of Shelby, don't like what they did with her on the show. But what seems painfully obvious to the readers isn't always obvious to the characters. Shelby's in this semi denial where she is too close to the situation. She doesn't see it because she doesn't want to. She has her part in the reveal too. **

**kitaleigh**** Shelby's eyes will be opened and things will become clear to her. She's struggling in her own way. And Puck will come into things more I think. **

**sillystarshine**** I'm happy you liked the chapter. I like Casey and I'm excited that the readers have responded well to her. Shelby's doubting herself and her abilities with Rachel and Casey is taking over that role. She's going to help Shelby get her act together and see what she needs to see. **

**xxTeardropKisses ****Thank you for taking the time to review now; they're always appreciated. The secret is coming out, slowly, but it's being revealed, and once it is, things will move along quick. I love Puck and I wanted to write more of him, but this is a very Rachel centric story and I want to keep it that way. Shelby will get better with Rachel. Right now she wants to believe everything is fine. I want this to be as realistic and true as possible. There is more than one problem with Rachel and while they are mostly connected in some way, they will all be addressed eventually. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.**

**StBerry Lover24**** Things will be learned. The journal is just a stepping stone to what's to come. I'll try to update as often as I can. Hope you enjoy the next chapter. **

**seacat03**** Casey's role is to be everything Shelby can't so she's important. She'll be a driving force in this story. And I'm happy that you enjoyed the Beth part. I was trying to come up with some creative way and I also wanted some Beth time, so I thought that was a good idea. It's like getting info from an unreliable source. It could be true, but you don't know. I think it was the best way. **

**Vienna98**** Thank you for wishing me well. I'm doing better. I'm glad you liked the chapter, hope the next one's are up to par, and thank you for the review. **

**CarolineSC**** Intensity is my middle name. Kidding. I like a slow build. It makes things more realistic and when things happen they tend to be explosive episodes. So look for more drama and angst and emotion to come. **

**sweetheart22**** It is a sad story, but there will be some happy moments before it's over. I try to add a little Rachel Beth time or a few other moments of levity in between all the drama. But I do better with the sad angsty stuff. **


	31. Actions of Consequence

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

**Possibly triggering…**

Chapter 31: Actions of Consequence

When Casey returned with a tired and weak looking Rachel, Shelby was still in the kitchen, sitting in the seat Casey previously sat, staring at the untouched journal. "What are you doing?" Casey hissed. "Do you want Rachel to see that? I don't know about you but I don't want her to hate me for reading something I was never meant to see. So do me a favor and put it somewhere she won't see at least." Shelby said nothing, just continued to stare. The silence seemed to worry Casey. "Shelby?" Again, she said nothing. "Shelby, what the hell is wrong with you?" Her sister looked to be in a trance that Casey literally had to shake her out of.

"I can't." She said quietly.

"Can't what?"

"I can't read it."

"Why not?"

"I'm her mother. I shouldn't have to rely on reading her private thoughts to get in her head. I should just know…" There was more. Casey knew there was more. "And… And I don't know if I want to know it all. If she… If she hates me, I don't want it confirmed on paper."

"Shelby…"

"No!" She quickly halted Casey's words as she stood and pushed the notebook to Casey's chest. "Take it. Do what you want with it. Give it back to her. Hide it… Whatever. Just get it away from me."

As Shelby walked away Casey said, "Not reading it doesn't change what she feels. It doesn't change what's right in front of us. There's something wrong with her… A serious issue that avoiding won't make go away. Read it or not, you're going to have to face the facts eventually." She nearly pushed her sister out of the way as she walked by her, turning to face her one last time. "I just hope you aren't too late. Good night Shelby."

Shelby didn't move from that spot. So many different things were going through her mind. She wanted to read everything. She wanted to be in Rachel's head and understand what was going on, but she so afraid to see the truth. For just one last night, she wanted to stay oblivious. She had to keep that blind eye for just one more day before reality took over and she'd have to face the facts. She still wasn't clear on what facts she would be facing though.

And Casey didn't know what else to do to get Shelby there. She needed to see the destruction her choices left in their wake. She needed to see the torment her daughter had endured. She needed to see the pain and sadness. There was so much to see and she was blind to it all. Her sister was under the impression that once a baby grows up it doesn't need its mother anymore, when the fact is that couldn't be more wrong. As children grew older they became more independent, but they still depended on their parents for support and comfort. Those were two things Rachel needed more than anything. If Shelby couldn't see that, Rachel deserved better and Shelby needed a little lesson on raising kids. Maybe, at the end of the day, not having a relationship with Rachel when they met was for the best. Imagine what other damage could've been done…

That night, everyone was in there respective rooms. Beth was soundly asleep. Rachel was wide awake, still searching for her lost words, continuing to tear her room apart without thought of putting it back together. Shelby laid in the darkness asking the silence for answers; her thoughts drifting. She wished she could turn back time, make things right, do whatever to fix the way things were; things she had yet to figure out and still didn't want to see. And that left Casey. She could hear Rachel moving around above her like she was pacing back and forth. She had no idea what Rachel was really doing, but that really wasn't her focus.

Rachel, however, was on her mind. What was she supposed to do? Body issues, eating disorders… It wasn't something she worried about with her son. He played sports. He ate everything. There was no problem there. And, while she had her own body issues as a teen, it was nowhere near the extent of Rachel's and there she was, on the outside seeing it from a whole new perspective. How was she supposed to handle it? And how was she supposed to get Shelby to acknowledge it? That was probably the first obstacle she should face. If Shelby saw what she saw, they'd be able to help Rachel together. If Shelby saw the happiness she wanted to see, it would be Corcoran vs. Corcoran and neither would win. But she had to do something.

The anxiety over the journal was eating at her though. She shouldn't have read it. That much she knew. It was an invasion, but she didn't regret it. She needed the confirmation and she got it. And, while it was the wrong way to get what she needed, in that situation, the ends justified the means. She just didn't want to ruin her tenuous relationship with her niece. And maybe she already had. If Rachel found out about her little reading assignment, she had no doubt it would be strained, but even if Rachel hated her, if she helped her, if Rachel was ok in the end, none of that mattered. She'd be sad of course, but if Rachel was alive and well, she always had the chance to repair the damage. So she'd take whatever came her way as long as it helped Rachel.

Coming up with something to get Shelby to the truth, Casey began in on the journal again. She wouldn't read anything new. She learned what she needed to learn and that was enough. There'd be no more violating personal space. But she went over and over the same pages committing each word to memory, searing it in her brain. Why? She didn't know. Maybe she just needed it with her, but she did it. And on the pages she knew Shelby needed to read, she stuck a little sticky note on them. She was going to get her sister to see. She didn't care how she did it, but she was going to do it and together, they'd get Rachel through.

Casey stayed up for a few hours doing that; stayed up until she couldn't keep her eyes open, and even then, she could still make out the faint sounds of Rachel moving about. What was she doing? It really didn't matter as the thoughts became nothing but a blur and Casey fell asleep.

Upstairs, Rachel was done looking through everything. She gave up on the room. It wasn't there. Drawers were emptied. The closet was torn apart. Shelves were deshelved. Hiding spots were exposed. Her room was a complete mess. It was hard to even see the floor. And she stayed up well into the early morning to remedy that. If her mind was a mess, her room had to be clean. It didn't make sense, but it was something she always did. Cleaning wasn't exactly cathartic, but the order gave her some peace and, when she didn't have much to begin with, she'd take it wherever she could get it. By 4 in the morning, everything was back in its rightful place and the floor could be seen again. The work was done, but she was beyond exhausted. She couldn't understand why.

She hadn't done anything. Dance didn't count as exercise; not really, though she danced twice as hard for twice as long just to get things right. She had been eating, or taking bites and playing with the rest out of habit. But wasn't that still supposed to give her energy? She couldn't understand why she was so exhausted all the time. It was more than just her body healing from the miscarriage. It was more than physical fatigue. It was her missing her addiction and her not realizing she was already feeding it. All she could think was that if she was going to feel worse without it, she might as well feel great with it… Who was she helping by not cutting and not throwing up anyway? Her? No, because she felt like crap all the time and she only felt worse without it. Shelby? No, because really, what did she care? Her friends? What friends? Casey… Maybe Casey. She seemed to care. And that was unimaginable in and of itself.

Then, as if it were a sign to just give in, a shiny new razor fell from its hiding place. She must have jostled it when she was ransacking the room. Glinting in the light from outside and the dim glow of her lamp, it called to her. It screamed to her, enticed her, "We're here for you Rachel. We never did anything wrong. Why'd you turn your back on us?" In her head, she was literally hearing a voice that she attached to the inanimate object. "We didn't cause it. You killed your baby. Not us… You did that all on your own. We're your friends… Your only friends… Use us. Use us… You know you want to." God, did she want to…"Do it." It was chanting. "Do it Rachel." She wanted to so bad. It was just telling her what she knew. Her issues, as she has come to call them not necessarily meaning they were bad, didn't cause her problems. They just helped her through them. So who was she to turn her back on the only true friends she had ever had. The purging and the cutting were the only things that got her through those moments were she felt so alone that the world could swallow her right into a sink hole and no one would notice. They were her constant. And, while she tried to deny, to distract herself… And it worked for a very short time because she had so much else to deal with that she just didn't deal with anything and it consumed her. She didn't have time to obsess about what she was missing or feel what she craved. But she did then. And it felt reasonable. Everything else was bad in her life. It was one bad thing after another, accumulating like sewage and trash in a landfill, slowly polluting the earth. Why would she stop the one good thing in her life? Why should she deny herself a rare pleasure when her world was on the brink of collapse anyway? Her life was on the line; her dirtiest of secrets floating around somewhere out there for anyone to read… Why shouldn't she just be happy for a moment before the fall?

They got her through. They made her one cohesive human being that could actually function. Without it, she was nothing. With it, she was still nothing, but at least she wasn't so alone. She needed to not feel alone. She must have spent another few hours sitting there, staring at it like it was an object in a museum to be pondered. Without even realizing it, she stood, picked up the razor, and walked into the bathroom.

Maybe it was the fatigue or maybe it was the emotions that crept up on her, but she didn't remember doing it. She didn't remember dragging the razor deep into the flesh of her wrist, over the healing cut that was already there, or tossing it into the sink, away from her. She didn't even know she was in the bathroom until she felt the warm drip from her wrist. Dark, thick, warm, crimson caressed her arm as it moved like a ballerina during the climax of the show; perfectly in sync and beautifully rendered, the blood drained from her body.

She didn't even make a move to stop it; not at first. She just let the calm she missed wash over her. She let everything she craved consume her and bring her to that moment where the world was still… Her problems gone… The sadness absent… The heartbreak repaired… For the few short minutes the world was whitewashed and she was living in a clean slate. Nothing mattered and no one mattered. It was just her and a sense of happiness she never really knew.

It was like the first time all over again… Perfect…

When she finally got around to cleaning it up and bandaging it, she felt a new type of tired take over. It wasn't that restless need that consumed her. It was simply a tired calm. She went to bed at nearly 6:30 in the morning with a small smile on her face and no thoughts in her head. It was just what she needed; exactly what the doctor called for.

Unfortunately tough, the sleep didn't last long. She lay unmoving as she listened to the mumbling and footsteps just outside her door. Casey and Shelby and probably Beth too. It was like they were having a family get together and they picked just outside her door to have it. Great location when the person behind said door was finally getting sleep when she hadn't slept in what felt like years…

They were gathered outside the door. It was Casey's last day there and Shelby wanted them all to spend the day together. Rachel was usually up by then. It was after nine and a part of her worried that Rachel had yet to come out, especially when she got out of bed early just to spend the day with her sister and daughters. So after a little internal debating, she decided to wake Rachel up, make sure everything was ok, cook them breakfast, and get a move on. "Don't wake her." Casey's hand went over hers halting the knocking motion before it could begin. "Don't wake her." She repeated.

"Why not?" Shelby questioned.

"We should let her sleep."

"It's your last day here Casey and we really haven't done much all together. I thought we could drive up to that place we used to go to as kids. You know the one… Down the street from that music store and next to that old fashioned Ice Cream Shoppe. We used to go every week with mom and dad."

"I remember. But why don't we save that for a later day. It's more fun when the weather's warm and we can do the mini-golf."

"You're right, but at least they can do the indoor games and there's a carousel."

"Why don't we let Rachel sleep in while we three," she made a circular hand motion pointing to herself, Shelby, and Beth, "go to the park again?"

"Park!" Beth practically screamed.

"Shh Bethie. Rachel's sleeping."

"See Shelby, she loves the idea. Then we can shop for the essentials, come back here, and have a movie night with Rachel." She suggested.

Reluctantly, Shelby agreed. "Ok. Let's do that. I'll leave a note for Rachel."

"Come on, I'll make some vegan pancakes and leave some in the oven for her before we go."

Shelby nodded and they left the hall. Rachel was still awake, but still unmoving. She probably wouldn't go back to sleep now that she was awake and her mind went back into overdrive, so she'd just stay there and pretend to be so the world would just leave her alone. At the very least, they would leave her alone. She couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but less than an hour later, she heard the front door shut and the car pull out of the driveway.

She still hadn't moved; just listened to the tick of the hand on the bedside clock, like it reminded her she was still there, still miserable. Her heart was still beating, still broken and emotionally abused by the life she led and the cards she was dealt. She just wanted to sleep again; to sleep through it all and wake up happy again. Maybe it all really was a dream. She was still waiting for that day where she'd just wake up and find that it was all just a figment of a her very vivid imagination. She'd be in her old room. Her fathers would call and tell her that they were on their way home early from their rare trip just to see her because they missed her that much. Life would be good again. The only thing she'd miss from the nightmare she was living was Casey; kind of… And maybe Noah too… But she knew that wasn't going to happen; not even in her dreams.

Nothing would ever change. And even her Broadway dreams didn't seem so bright anymore. That wasn't a good sign, was it? She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about anything. She just wanted to wake up happy. She went to bed happy, why couldn't she wake up the same? Simple answer was that the high wore off. She needed it to sleep, but at some point, it just disappeared and she was back to miserable Rachel.

As the thoughts that she attempted to push away, but overpowered her will, took over, the door bell rang. "Ugh! Whoever it is, just go away." She said to herself as she put her hands over her eyes as if to block it all away. She didn't move to answer it, and then it came again. There was another ring; a continuous ring of the doorbell like someone would expect from a petulant, uncontrollable child and it happened to be accompanied by an unremitting pounding on the door.

Bang. Bang. Bang… It wasn't great for the headache that was brewing. Vexed, she threw the blanket off of her, and stomped down the stairs.

"What do you want?!" She asked angrily, not bothering to see who was actually there, just opening the door with as much strength as she could hoping they would just leave when they saw she wasn't in the mood for company and no one else was there.

"Is that really how you answer the door?" The voice shocked her.

"Noah? What are you doing here?"

Pushing his way into the otherwise empty house, Puck said, "You've been ignoring me. What's the deal Berry? We had an agreement. What happened to that?" He missed her. It wasn't even the good sex he missed. It was her. He missed just hanging out and talking. Hell, he missed their tutoring sessions where he actually learned something, and if he was lucky, he'd get a prize. He really did just miss her. And he didn't understand what he did that made her ignore him.

She was avoiding him with, what she deemed, good reason. She couldn't tell him. She wanted to. She wanted to be able to lean on him or at least let him lean on her. And he'd want to know. But the thought of him feeling as bad as she did about the loss of a baby they neither knew about nor planned on having was a devastating one. And she wouldn't wish that on him. In so many ways he already lost one child in Beth. She couldn't tell him he lost another.

"I'm sorry you feel so neglected and my intentions were not to ignore you, however, I've been extremely busy this last week." She calmly said as she shut the door behind them. She didn't need nosey neighbors listening in.

"Bull."

"Excuse me?"

"Bull shit you were busy."

"I do not appreciate such foul language Noah. I'm sorry you don't believe the truth. I have been very busy. We had family in town." She tried to keep her voice even and composed while she was anything but. Seeing him for the first time since… It was horrible. She just kept picturing what it would've looked like. "If you feel neglected, again, I apologize, but if you're here to reap in my benefits, I'm afraid I'm not in the mood today and you'll have to find it elsewhere."

"But the agreement was no one else. Just you… Are you ending things? Did you find someone? Is that why you haven't been calling even to talk? Who is this douche?" If she didn't know any better she would've thought he was worried and a little sad by the thought. Jealous maybe? And if her head was in a better place she would've realized that it was more than thought. He did care. He didn't want her to be with anyone else. And he was upset about the idea. She was his Berry; no one else's.

"You're right Noah. The agreement was no one else while we were together and we had to stop if we found someone we wanted to be in a relationship with. However, that is not the case here. You can find another plaything if I'm not giving you what you want. But I assure you, there is no one else, nor had there been up to this point. I have actually been busy."

"You're not a plaything Rachel." He said somberly and reached out to take her hand. It was a loving gesture, one that caught her off guard and nearly made her flinch, but she controlled herself before he noticed. It was comforting, but surprising. He was trying to make her feel better. "You're not a plaything. You have to know that Rach."

"Isn't that all I'm good for?" She ripped her hand away. She didn't deserve his comfort. His baby was dead because of her. "A quick lay? That's all you really want from me isn't it?" She needed him to be mad at her. She couldn't take the comfort. She couldn't let him be nice to her. She didn't deserve it.

"You know it's not."

"Since when?!"

"You and I both know that we aren't just bed buddies. We've never been. We both said that's all we are, but we know you're not that girl. I'm that guy, but you're not that girl. I tried to convince myself that you were, so that I could keep feelings or whatever out of it, but I knew you weren't." He didn't know what came over him. His Grammar was right. He was using full sentences. He was sounding like Berry… What had she done to him? "I wanted to stay Puck and you to be Berry. But you're Rachel and with Rachel, I'm Noah."

"Stop." Rachel pleaded. She liked what he was saying. She liked how it made her feel, but she couldn't feel it. She needed him to yell. She needed him to stop using her real name and stick with Berry. She needed him to make her feel worse for what she did. "Please stop."

"Being around you makes me smarter. You use big words and your sentences are so long I have no choice but to pay attention. And half the time I don't know what you're saying and you annoy the shit out of me, but I want to be around you."

"Please Noah." She pleaded again, trying to stop the rush of emotion. She didn't want to listen to him. At that moment, the first time she saw him since she found out, she wanted the play boy Puck to be there, not sweet and loving Noah. Puck, she needed Puck.

"No, you need to hear this. I agreed to this arrangement for the sex yes, but for you too. That's why we agreed to be friends with benefits. We were always friends first. We just didn't act like it. I wasn't going to force you into anything. I could've gone out and had my pick of girls or cougars. People want the Puckeroni. But I agreed to no one else because I wanted you. Only you…" Why was he doing this?

"You need to stop Noah! Just stop. I can't hear any of this anymore."

"I'm an ass, but I care Rach. I really do care. You're my friend. So you're so much more than an easy lay. I want you to know that and I hope you feel the same way." He declared as he grabbed her wrist to prevent her from leaving.

"You need to leave. I'm going to my room. See yourself out please." She refused to deal with any of it. She had to admit that she wanted to hear what he said. Normally, it'd make her feel good and happy. But then she just felt ashamed and terrible. She was keeping something from him that he probably deserved to know and she was just ruining him. Not for one second did she believe what he said either. She didn't make him better or anything like that. He probably just wanted back in her pants after their little liaising break, but, she reminded herself, he didn't need to be sweet for her to give it up and he knew that. So why do it?

So in a huff, she ripped her wrist from his tight, but not harmful, grasp, and ran away. Running, hiding, ignoring; that she was good at. That she could handle. As she slammed the bedroom door she heard the faint calls of her name. "Rachel!" He yelled, but she wouldn't answer. She just walked to the window and stared. It looked like it was going to rain. It would've been a good day for rain.

She probably wasn't standing there long, but the next thing she knew, her door was being slammed shut again and Puck was yelling at her. She got what she wanted, but it didn't make her feel any different. Whatever he was saying, she couldn't make out. His mouth was moving and there was a buzzing in her ear, but she couldn't understand. She saw it all but couldn't hear it all.

"Are you listening Rachel?"

Out of nowhere, she just started balling, tears flowing from her eyes in free form and Puck was lost. What was he supposed to do? All he could think was to hug her. He walked over to her and just took her into his arms. "I'm here Rach. I'm here."

"I don't want you here." She said in between tears.

"Why not?"

"Because you're too good for me."

He smirked. "I don't think I've ever heard that one Berry. That's not true. If anything, you're too good for me.

"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew." She said to herself.

"If I knew what?" She panicked. Did she say what she thought she said in her head aloud? Did he grow a sixth sense? What was happening? What was she going to do? "If I knew what Berry?"

Instead of answering, she just moved away from him and laid on her bed. Her head buried in the pillow and her tears wet the cotton sheets. How could she have said that out loud? He saw the distress and even felt it himself. Why was she crying? What did he say that was worthy of tears? Sure, she was dramatic and on a normal day she could cue the tears like a professional, but those were real. He could see that. But why? What happened? She had never been quite so, so broken in front of him before. What wasn't she telling him? He didn't have the answers. He wanted them, but didn't have them. But he had to comfort her.

He moved to her, gently sitting on the bed next to her, one hand gently caressing her arm in an act to soothe her, but it wasn't working. There was just some incoherent mumbling on her part that he didn't respond to. And then he joined her, lying next to her, spooning her and wrapping an arm around her. In a meaningless attempt to push him away, she flailed her arms around, but he just held her tighter. "Christ Berry, stop crying please. I'm here for you, but I need to know what you were talking about. If I knew what Rachel?"

"Why won't you go away?"

"'Cause Berry, you're stuck with me."

"Why? Why are you even here?"

"Because I was tired of being ignored. I sent texts. I called. It was time I showed up."

"Did you ever think there was a reason I wasn't answering?" Other than she turned her phone to silent and hadn't checked it in a few days…

"Yes, and I needed to find out what it was."

"I don't want you here. I don't want you being nice to me. Please just let me go. Just go away." She cried.

"No, not until you tell me everything. Tell me what's going on and what I need to know."

"I can't."

"Why not? How bad can it be?"

The question made the crying worse. "Terrible." She answered. "I… I… I can't Noah… I can't do this. You have to go."

"Please stop crying." He didn't do crying chicks well, and that chick being Rachel made it worse. "Please stop and tell me what's going on."

"I'm sorry Noah."

"It's ok. Whatever it is, it's ok."

"No it's not." Her sadness turned to anger in the span of a second. "How can you say that?" She sat up in fury. He didn't know what was going on because she hadn't told him, but in that moment, she forgot that detail. He was trying to comfort her and she was taking everything out on him. "It's gone and you don't even care. It's probably for the best anyway. I mean no one would want that with me right?" She couldn't look at him, she just continued to vent. "I'm just some girl no one likes. Who would want to be with me? Have a family with me? No one, that's who. I don't know how it happened or why. And I didn't mean for any of it to happen and I was so scared to tell you. I wasn't going to tell you, but you deserve to know about the baby. Our… and it… It's just… found out… pregnant… over…gone… and Beth… I don't know what to do." Everything she said was so jumbled that he couldn't make out parts of the sentences. He was sure he missed half of what she said. "I'm so sorry Noah. I'm so sorry." Her words were rushed like she never processed what was coming out of her mouth and, in many ways, she didn't. She didn't realize what she said until after. "God, it just hurts so much." Admitting that, saying that she was in pain was the breaking point. She just let it out and Puck was there to catch her as her walls fell.

Pulling her deep into his arms as he let her break down completely, he listened to her sobs and held her tight. After enough time passed, he spoke. "You… You're pregnant?" He asked quietly, her head resting on his chest listening to the rapid thump of his heartbeat. Releasing a guttural cry, she shook her head into his chest. He could feel her head moving, but he didn't understand. "You're not?" He didn't know why, but he was a little disappointed. It wasn't that he wanted to be a father of two before graduating high school. But he heard baby and immediately pictured the perfect combination of him and Rachel; a powerhouse badass none of the other kids would compare to. But that wasn't happening and he couldn't help but feel the world was missing out. He was missing out. "You're not?" He asked again.

Sniffling she answered, "N… Nuh… Nuh… No."

"But you said…?" She buried her face deeper into his body, her hands fisting the material of his hoodie. "I don't understand Rachel. What's going on?"

"I'm sorry Noah. I… I… I wha… was…"

"Was what babe?"

"I… I didn't feel well…" It was like between every word she either hiccupped or sniffled. "An… and I… went out… felt sick… and Jesse showed… and vomit… and then Quinn… went to the clinic with me…"

"Alright Rach, you're going to have to do a little better than that. I can't understand you. Less than I normally can."

As quickly and clearly as she could, she said, "I was bleeding and throwing up and went to the clinic and the doctor told me I lost it."

"Lost what?"

"Our… Our baby…"

Gripping her tighter he stuttered, "Uh… our… our baby?" She nodded into his chest as the tears continued to pour. "You were pregnant?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Did… didn't know."

"And… and it… he or she… it died?" It, he had to call it it.

Another deep cry came from her frail body. "Ye… Yes… I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault Rach. It's not." He believed that. It wasn't her fault, but it didn't hurt any less; the sadness the pain and the ache of the shock. He was stunned and feeling it all. "I wish you told me. When did this happen?" If he didn't ask questions, he'd cry. And he was too much of a badass to let anyone see him cry.

"Wednesday…"

"Is that why you haven't been answering?"

"Uh huh."

"What happened?"

"Miss… Miscarriage…"

"But how?" It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense.

She shrugged. That was about all she could do. "I'm just so sorry. I killed it Noah. I killed our baby. I know you don't want a baby with me. But… but I killed it. He or she will never live because of me. I killed it!"

"Stop saying that!" He yelled.

"Why? Why should I stop?! It's true. It's all true!" She stood; pushing away from him going anywhere he couldn't reach, walking about in a way that could only be described as erratic pacing. "I'm a monster. Tell me I'm a monster!"

He stood to join her and did his best to stop her; to just get her to look at him. Finally, he got in front of her, put his hands on her shoulders to stop her movement and hope the mumbling stopped too. "You're not a monster. Ok Rachel? You're not. It's not your fault." He wasn't used to being the calm one. Other people were usually the voice of reason to his manic moments.

"Yes it is! I did this. It's my fault our baby's gone. Even if you wouldn't have wanted it, I didn't want it dead." He had no idea where she was getting it form. Why would she think he wouldn't want the baby? He wanted Beth. He'd want their baby too. But there was no baby… anymore.

"It's not your fault Rachel. It's not!" He tried to convince her. "And I would've been here for you. I would've wanted that baby. A little girl just like you with Broadway dreams and me wrapped around her little finger or a little boy with my attitude but your smarts. He or she would've been perfect because it was half you and half me." As he held her close to him and continued to talk, he couldn't stop the tear that fell. Badass or not, he would've loved that kid and losing it, even if he found out after the fact, stung. Knowing, knowing meant there would forever be a hole in his heart where his second child would've been. Now it was just a throbbing ache. "I would've loved that kid Rach. We would've loved it."

"Why are you being nice to me? I don't want you to be nice to me!" She saw the tear in his eye and it caused her to get angry. He was sad, but he wasn't angry at her. He needed to blame her. She deserved that. She made him sad. She made big, bad Noah Puckerman cry and he was trying to make her feel better…How did that make sense?

"You don't? Why? I want to be nice to you."

"I don't deserve it. Yell at me! Please, yell at me." Trying to entice some sort of reaction, she hit him; beat on his chest like a drum. Her hands going back and forth until she nearly collapsed and the tears took over again. He just let her do it. It didn't hurt much and she needed it. He let her ignore him. He didn't bother checking on her. And she needed him then. And where was he? The least he could do was take a few hits if it helped her. "Just yell at me." Her body weakened and the yelling turned to whimpering cries. "Tell me what I know. Tell me it's my fault." She said as she crumbled. Her body moved to the floor, her knees buckling, and Puck was there to make the fall a little easier.

"I got you."

"Please Noah, be Puck. Yell at me… Please…" She was desperate. She needed him to hurt her like everyone else so she could find some excuse to separate herself from him, or for some other reason she couldn't quite figure out yet.

"I can't Rachel." He began to explain as rubbed a soothing hand on her back, trying to help her quell the cries. "I can't do that because it's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. Sometimes… sometimes it just happens." He was trying to convince himself as much as he was her. The emotions were too much, He was fighting it; trying so hard to keep it in, but a girl he cared deeply about was in his arms, weeping for the loss of their child and his resolve just faded. Silently, he cried with her, whispering words of comfort and assurances whenever he could mange. "We would've been great parents." He told her as she settled down. "I didn't get that chance with Beth and yeah, we're young, but you would've been a great mom."

"No."

"Yeah ya would." A smile took over his face as he pictured them as a family. Sure, he pictured them older, and yeah, he was shocked he, and all his badass mojo, was picturing it at all, but he did. They would've been great. "We would've handled it. We would've been great."

"No one would want me as a mom."

"Our kid would. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their mom Berry." Usually she didn't like to be called Berry, but in that moment it was almost comforting, like nothing had changed even though everything had. "I promise you that you would've been great. And I'm so sorry this happened. I'm sorry I let it happen in the first place."

"Not your fault." The fact that she got pregnant at all was both their faults. It was a careless mistake, but it happened. There was no changing that. "Mine."

"We both should've been more careful. But we're going to get through this. I'll be here for you whatever you need. We both lost that baby Rachel and I've been talking feeling with you for the past two hours, so you know that means something. You mean something to me and we're going to get through this." He said with a final air of confidence. "Will you please stop crying? Tell me you're ok… You know, physically after it happened…"

"I'm not crying anymore." She looked up to him confused. That was when he saw it.

He looked down to the wet spot on his shirt that he thought was tears and saw a red stain on his jacket. It was warm. He thought it was from her crying, but seeing it, and then going to touch it, he realized it wasn't. It was… It was blood? Was he bleeding? How'd that happen? He looked around for sign of injury and realized he had none. But he saw there was blood where Rachel hit him. Immediately he looked to her; her eyes wide and her face worried. She had been caught. She just didn't know it yet. "Shit Berry! You're bleeding!"

Meanwhile, Shelby, Beth, and Casey were enjoying a nice day at the park. After pulling out of the driveway, they had a fairly quiet ride to the playground. Nothing was said between the sisters; just the music on the radio and the babbling of Beth filled the car. Even at the park, it took them a little while to get situated only talking to Beth as they did. But once Beth was happily running around within a safe distance and playing with her ball, the silent treatment was off.

After the previous night's conversation, or confrontation, neither really knew how to act. Shelby wanted to remain in denial and Casey wanted her to realize just how bad things were. In many ways, they were at an impasse. So they sat there, entering into a staring contest. "I talked to mom." Casey finally talked.

"About what?" Shelby asked.

"Rachel."

"You did what? I told you there was nothing wrong. And even if there was, you had no right. She is my daughter. It's my business; no one else's."

"What she told me made sense."

"I don't want to hear it."

"Why not Shelby? Why are you so determined to turn a blind eye while you daughter is suffering?"

"Who said she is suffering? I still don't know if anything is wrong and neither do you."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't. And even if something was wrong it's not your place to tell mom about it."

"I said it was a friend of Rachel's. I never said it was her." Casey explained.

"I still don't want to hear it."

"Ok, I won't tell you what she said… not now, but you still need to listen to me.'

"You know Casey. I love you, but I don't like you thinking you know her better than I do. She has been living with me for months and you've only known her a week. How could you possibly know more about her than I do? And, for the record, I don't believe she had an abortion. Even if she was having sex, which I don't think she is, and got pregnant, she wouldn't have an abortion." She didn't mean for it to be snarky and bitchy but that was how it was. She didn't want to believe anything. She was jealous of her sister's relationship with her daughter. She was tired of being in the dark, but she was more afraid to be in the know. What was she supposed to do? What was right?

"You don't have to believe me about the abortion. I don't know if that's true. It was just a theory. And, honestly, right now that doesn't matter. As for the rest, you're too close to the situation. You're trying to do everything she wants and not what you need to do. You're not supposed to be her friend; you're supposed to be her mother. And that means facing the hard facts. Your daughter is struggling and you're not being the mother she needs. You're not being much of a mother to her at all."

"Casey!"

"It's true Shelby. I love you, but you're not."

"That's not true."

"Why didn't you read the journal?" Because she was afraid of finding out she was a worse mother than she felt she was.

"Casey, that's her personal journal where she writes things that she doesn't want to talk about with me and there is probably a lot about me that I don't need to read. It wasn't meant for us to read."

"That doesn't an answer my question. After I told you that you needed to read it, that you needed to see how bad things were, why didn't you?"

"I couldn't."

"Why? Why couldn't you?"

"Because Casey!" She yelled like a child before gathering herself and answering a bit more calmly. "Because I am scared. I am scared that you are right. I'm scared that I have damaged her beyond repair. I broke her Casey. I broke my daughter and I don't know how to put her back together. I just want her to like me. And she has been better with me. She let me comfort her. She talks to me a little. She participates, but I can feel her holding back. There's nothing of substance. It's just a façade. I want more than that. I want to be a good mom." She was sincere; the tears in her eyes not part of the show.

"But right now you're not doing anything to help her. You need to help her." She needed to be honest. Coddling her sister wouldn't get them anywhere.

"How? How can I help her? She doesn't want my help and I wouldn't even know where to begin. If what you're saying is true, I'm in way over my head."

"That's what you have me for. I'm here Shelby… for all of you."

Shelby gave her a look of thanks that Casey understood. Everything she said was true, but her goal was to get Shelby to the same place she was. And she was on a mission to help Rachel. "How do I even know it's true?"

"I have a solution."

"Oh yeah? Care to share with those less capable than you?" Shelby joked as Casey rummaged through her bag.

"Funny Shelby. But I'm serious. I have something that will help."

"What is it?" Casey just pulled out Rachel's journal and immediately, the smile on Shelby's face turned into a frown. "No. Do you bring that thing with you everywhere? I already told you I don't want to read that."

"You need to read this. I know you don't want to. I really didn't want to either, but once I did, I was glad I did. Now I know. Now I can help. You need that too. If you don't read that, you won't understand and you need to understand. Her problems have been building Shelby… for a while. She is slowly killing herself and she is fooling everyone." Letting out a humorless laugh she added, "I'll hand it to the kid; she's one hell of an actress. She must've gotten that from you."

"Yeah… Everything she gets from me just hurts her. Maybe that's why she hates me."

"That's not true Shelby. I think she truly loves you. She's just scared and she really doesn't know how to show it."

"We should be scared together. Whatever she's going through, she should have been able to come to me."

"This isn't a 'go ask mommy for help' problem. She wants this hidden. She doesn't want anyone to know. And she's really good at hiding. It's time you get good at seeing."

"I'm not sure I know what that means."

"It means read this." She put her hand over the book. "Don't read it all. I didn't and I don't want to. I invaded her head more than I should have already. Just read the parts with a sticky note on it. Then you'll see. You'll understand. You'll want to cry. You'll want to hug her. You'll want to tell her everything's ok. And all that's ok. You probably want to do that anyway. But, most importantly, you'll want to help her. You'll want to acknowledge that the problems are real; that they're more than the doctor's slight concerns. How she fooled him, I'll never know. But this is where we need to get you. You're head has to be in this place so we can help her before it's too late."

After a silent reflective moment staring at the journal, she looked up to Casey and meekly said, "Is it bad?"

"I'm not going to lie. It's a hard read. I cried, I smiled, and it broke my heart with each word."

"But it was worth it?"

"It's worth it. I wouldn't read more than I did, but it confirmed what I knew and now I can find a way to help her."

"I want to help her too."

"Then you need to read it."

"Here?"

"No one else is here. I'm going to go push Beth on the swings and give you some space. You just need to read it. And no matter what you read, it's not your fault. This was happening before she moved in with you. She's hurting and this is how she's dealing. You have to remember that it's less about how you get there and more about how you deal with it once you are there. So once you realize that I'm right, you're going to have to step up. You're going to have to be the strong Shelby Corcoran and show Rachel that she's just as strong as her mama. We're going to show her that she's a Corcoran too."

"Go, go play with Beth."

"You're going to read it?"

"I'm going to read it. I promise. Go."

Nodding, Casey gave a hint of a sad smile and walked over to Beth. As they played on the swings, laughing and having fun, Shelby was left with the journal. It was like it was haunting her; like it was possessed and she was afraid to open it. But she looked over to her sister and her daughter. They were smiling and innocent and they were having happy family moments. She wanted that experience with Rachel too. And if she was being all introspective she'd face the facts. Rachel hadn't been happy for a while. Whether she saw the extent of the problems or not, she couldn't deny that her daughter was unhappy. So she had to read it. She had to read it so she could get her daughter better and happier so they could have those moments all together in the future.

"Here goes nothing." She said to herself as she opened to the first sticky note. The first few pages she read were about Rachel's life with her fathers and a little about the bullying. The out of town trips, the missed holidays and birthdays… It was hard to read, but not quite the nitty gritty that Casey was talking about. She knew the worst had yet to come.

_I saw Shelby today. She didn't see me though. I'm glad she didn't. I saw her with Beth. I saw her with my replacement. I wasn't good enough for her. I just wasn't enough for her so she went out and got a newer, better version. Of course it had to be a baby that came from a torrid affair between my tormentor and a guy I almost lost myself in. That week was a good week and I don't remember any other good weeks since. _

_If Quinn didn't take enough from me by taking everyone I care about, Finn and Noah… half the glee club loves her more… Of course they do, they all hate me. Well if that wasn't enough she had to give her perfect little spawn to a woman who basically said she couldn't love me. I wasn't what she wanted. But Beth was. I guess that makes sense. Nobody loves me. Everyone wants the best and that was what came of a one night stand between one Noah Puckerman and the likes of Quinn Fabray. You get perfection… You get everything I'm not… She'll no doubt turn out to be beautiful and talented. She'll surpass my looks more than she already has and she'll beat my talent by the time she's able to talk. _

_And where does that leave me? Alone… Loveless… Motherless… I'm so glad she didn't see me. I couldn't handle more rejection from her. I didn't want to see the disgusted look on her face when she saw me; the same look that I have every time I look in the mirror. I couldn't stand it if I did. She doesn't want me. I don't need her to make me feel any worse than I already do. I have enough things to haunt me. _

She wished she knew that. She wished she knew just how neglectful they had been. Sure, she learned that they were absentee every now and then going on vacations and business trips, but she didn't know it had affected her so much. Her daughter defended them. Rachel made them seem like saints and they were never really there for her… And then she went and made it worse by abandoning her too. It killed her to read that word. Motherless… Her daughter felt motherless and replaced and broken. And it was her fault. Casey may have told her it wasn't, but Rachel feeling that definitely was. She wished she did see Rachel that day. She would've made and effort. Or maybe that was what she wanted to believe; not necessarily the truth.

Just four pages read and she was already a blubbering mess. She hadn't even reached the so called evidence yet. She needed some tissues. Dabbing at her eyes, she read about the time that doe eyed OCD lady caught her in the bathroom trying to make herself throw up and how she conned her way out of talking. She thought that was bad. She thought having it confirmed was bad, but she didn't know bad until she read how deep Rachel was into her addiction.

_I measure everything, and it's still not enough. My food diary/weight journal gets written in at least twice a day, sometimes more. I weigh myself every morning and every night. I keep track of every crumb that goes into my mouth. I weigh what comes out. And still, it's not enough. _

_Hours of my day are spent think about food. What I eat and what I do to reverse it… I exercise and exercise… I sneak out of Shelby's house in the middle of the night to go running. If she knew, she'd probably kill me. That or lock me in the room, put bars on my windows, and alarm the doors. But I have to do it. Half the time I don't even eat much and I still feel the fat building. I couldn't imagine what it'd be like if I didn't run. The elliptical too. But I need more._

_I weigh too much. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I won't be happy until I reach that number. The number on the scale just needs to be less. I'll be happier then. With each pound lost I am happier. When the scale finally hits zero, I'll be happy. And only then will I be happy. But until then, I'm doing everything I can. I'll continue to monitor my consumption and expulsion; calories burned and consumed. I'll do whatever. _

_I push myself in glee and dance too. That helps keep me fit. And the weight loss is helping. Actually, it's finally paying off. I got a solo in the recital! So maybe, maybe it's not enough, but it's getting there…_

That was the last thing she read, and that was more than enough. Casey left out the page about her; the one that said she was everything Rachel wished Shelby was. She left out the ones about some of the bullying figuring Shelby had to know about the slushies at school; she did work there, and a few about Shelby herself were voided to preserve whatever was left of her sister when she was done reading. She left out the one about the baby because Shelby wouldn't be able to grasp that and she'd probably forget everything else and focus solely on that when attention should be elsewhere. A lot was left out.

Even so, Shelby was balling. She was crying and broken, just like her daughter. She saw the signs. She knew they were there, and she ignored them. Basically, she enabled her daughter and allowed her to sink deeper and deeper into despair. Still, the two women, having read the pages, still only had limited knowledge. They didn't know about the cutting. They didn't know the true evolution of the disease. They just knew it was happening and that they had to stop it.

"Tough read huh?" Casey said as she placed a hand on Shelby's shoulder making her sister jump.

"Yes. Very tough read." She answered wiping the last of her tears away.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like an idiot."

"Why?"

"How did I miss so much? How did I allow this to happen? How could I see things and do nothing to stop it?"

"Shelby… You can't think like that. What's done is done." Casey couldn't give her anything that would excuse what was done. The point was that it was in the past. They needed to focus on what to do next, not what already happened. "You know now and you are going to do something. That's what's important."

"I should've been able to stop this."

"I don't think you could have stopped this. It was happening either way. And it's possible you could have tried to step in before it got to this point, but that doesn't matter."

"Then what does? What happens now?"

"Now we put our heads together and we figure this out. I don't know what I'm doing either, but we'll do it."

"I don't understand this."

"I know."

"Why her? Why is this happening to her?" Taking the seat next to Shelby, Beth in her stroller, Casey wrapped her sister in a tight embrace.

"I wish it wasn't her too, but we're going to do everything we can to pull her out of the darkness. She has us. She has people. And we are going to help her."

"I love you Casey."

"I love you too Shelby. And I'm here for you always."

"I know."

"Good." They broke the hug and just sat there for a while, Beth content playing with her toy.

"It's bad."

"It is bad, but she's stronger than she thinks. She's a Corcoran. Corcorans are strong."

"We are."

"And so is she."

"Thank you. I know I've been tough to be around and get through to, but thank you for not giving up. Thank you for being the best bug sister ever and a great aunt. Rachel likes you. And as much as it hurts that she likes you more, I'm glad she has you."

"Me too, and you're welcome Shelby."

"I'm glad you're here."

"I actually wanted to talk to you about that."

"About what?"

"About my visit."

"What about it?" Casey and Shelby had a very important, very unexpected conversation. It was something Casey was thinking about before, but wanted even more now. She just didn't know if Shelby would want that too.

"So what do you think?"

"I think it's just what we need."

"Good. I think so too."

"So what do we do now?"

"Now we go pick up the movie night supplies, get Rachel to participate, and take the rest one step at a time. But we won't give up no matter how hard it gets. And knowing how stubborn you are, I feel like she's going to give us a run for our money. She hates it, but she has a lot of you in her."

"What time is it?"

"A little after three."

"It's almost Beth's naptime and Rachel has to be up by now." Cynically she adds, "She probably ate and heaved breakfast too."

"That's not funny."

"I know. We should go get what we need to get because I really need to check on her."

"If we hover too much she's going to know that we know and, right now, I don't think that's our best option."

"Probably not. Then she'll just shut us both out. But she's going to do that anyway as soon as she finds out that we read her journal."

"You're right, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

"Let's go."

An hour later, they'd be home and they would have no idea what was going on right above their heads without them even knowing it.

**I wasn't going to end it where I did; the cliff hanger kind of in the middle of everything, but I had to. I really did. Tune in next time…**

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**Guests**** It's all coming to a head! Casey's taking over control and trying to help her family. Shelby's getting involved. The journal may cause some issues. They did invade her privacy, but drama makes a story good. So it will make good reading. You got your wish about Puck. I hope you like the way it played out… It's only the beginning…**

**Ajunebuga ****The anticipation is supposed to kill you. It makes the story worth it. I'm very glad to hear you like the story. That makes me happy. And Casey is a vital piece in Rachel's journey. I thought it was about time I brought things to light. **

**brtitana5 ****I appreciate that you have patience and that like me, you prefer quality to speed. I know this is more a review to the author's note I put up, but I still felt I should comment. I love hearing that it's worth it. It makes me feel like what I do is worth it. So thanks. **

**CarolineSC**** If I realize that I've taken a long time, I will do my best to check in. If I don't, feel free to PM me and kindly tell me to get a move on. Sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes I just lose track of time, but the story is important to me. **

**DudeyBob**** I can see being torn. Once she gets help, the story shifts, but she really needs help. And yes, I haven't quite finalized my ideas yet, but Rachel will likely find out they read her journal and it won't be pretty. Casey and Shelby beware the wrath of Rachel… maybe… You'll have to wait and see. **

**seacat03**** I liked having Casey yell at Shelby. I don't have any sisters, but that's really what they're for right? Telling you what's what and getting you to see the facts. That's really Casey's role. She's like the mother hen trying to heal her flock. Hope you like the Casey/Shelby in the new chapter too.**

**ilovekc**** Yes, Rachel will finally start to get some help! But it won't be that easy. There's a long, very, very, very, bumpy road ahead. I think you'll enjoy the ride. Thanks for the review. **

**sillystarshine**** Denial does tend to make things worse and Shelby has a bad case of it. She'll start to lose her rose colored glasses in this chapter, but things will still be a little rosy through her lenses. It took some doing, but Casey got her to see what she saw. It's a big moment, but it's not the end. Shelby is a parent trying to see the good and ignore the bad. She still won't want to believe her daughter is doing what she's doing… As for the journal entries, they were meant to be heartbreaking so I'm happy they had that effect. I was worried they weren't enough. So thanks. **

**emma 56 ****Rachel is going to start to get help or at least help will be foisted on her. We'll have to see how that goes. And more people from the glee club will be involved in the process. **

**Vienna98**** Aunt Casey is there to save the day; kicking butt and taking names is her job. She wears and S on her chest when it comes to Rachel; she tries at least, but she's not a real superhero. Rachel will begin the healing process but it's a long one and by no means an easy one. And slowly, Shelby will realize just how deep her rejection touched and see just what it led to.**

**mysterywriter94**** Casey is meant to be a contrast to Shelby while they're on separate pages. Shelby is more in denial than clueless because she knows she just doesn't want to. It's a mother's fear that something bad happens to her child (I assume, I don't have kids) so she doesn't want to believe it. Casey doesn't have that issue. She just loves Rachel and wants to be there for her whatever way she can. I want this story as realistic as possible, and the little details, the awkward moments; the things people tend to leave out… those are the things that make it real. So I felt the need to include them. And I do dark well; it makes the connection to the characters more meaningful. Sometimes I just want to hug Rachel too. Eventually she'll realize people love her. **


	32. One Good Day

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

Chapter 32: One Good Day

He looked down to the wet spot on his shirt that he thought was tears and saw a red stain on his jacket. It was warm. He thought it was from her crying, but seeing it, and then going to touch it, he realized it wasn't. It was… It was blood? Was he bleeding? How'd that happen? He looked around for sign of injury and realized he had none. But he saw there was blood where Rachel hit him. Immediately he looked to her; her eyes wide and her face worried. She had been caught. She just didn't know it yet. "Shit Berry! You're bleeding!"

"What?" Still in a state of, the only word for it, shock, Rachel stared at him. "No I'm not."

"Crap, what did you do?" He asked as he approached her, ignoring her remark. As he went to inspect her arm, where the thick fleece sleeve of her sweater turned from its natural pastel to a dripping red, something in her snapped and she was no longer in a distant state. Realizing what was happening, she ripped her hand out of his reach.

"I'm fine!" She insisted, anger lacing her tone. Neglecting the fact that she noticed how much blood was on his shirt and that if there was that much there, it meant she cut deep enough for it to soak through several layers of gauze and tape and through the cloth material hours after the fact… Despite all that, she believed what she said. She was fine.

"You're not fine. What happened? Why are you bleeding?"

"I... I just…" She needed a good excuse, but for once, the lie didn't just come to her. "I cut myself w… when I was making breakfast this morning. It's nothing. The knife just slipped and cut a little by my wrist. I… I must have reopened it when… when I… when I hit you." She looked to see if he was buying it, but his face was unreadable. "Really, it's nothing. I assure you."

"So if it's nothing, you'll let me see it?"

"No!" She answered hastily. "I mean, no, no I won't let you see it. It's disgusting. I… I just have to wash it and clean it. I'm sure it will be fine after that."

"Let me see it Rachel!" He said forcefully as she turned away from him.

"Just… Just leave me alone Puck."

"So we're back to Puck again. Jeez Rachel, what's your problem?" He was getting angry. They were making progress and they were quickly regressing. "I'm just trying to help you."

"Well, I don't need your help. Thank you anyway. Feel free to leave at anytime."

"I'm not leaving. We have a lot to talk about and I need to see your arm."

"No, I have to go clean it." Starting to walk away, she felt the world around her spin. The ground was shaky. The walls were tilting. Nothing was as it should've been. Her world was unsteady, but she wanted to push through; she tried to push through. Only a few more steps… a few more. But she couldn't make it to the bathroom. Forcing herself to take just one more step, forcing herself to try and make it all the way, to try and keep her secrets away, she fell. She had no control over her body as she toppled over. Luckily, she was only a foot or so from the bed when she did. And as her body went down, Noah's muscular arms caught her before there was any real damage done.

"Are you alright Rachel?" He asked a little panicked and concerned.

"Mmhmm." She mumbled. Forming real words seemed like too much of a chore.

Puck gently helped Rachel onto the bed, setting her down so that she rested against the headboard and pillows. There was more going on than he realized. "What's going on Rach?" The pieces weren't fitting yet, and she wasn't going to help him put them together. Instead, she ignored there was anything wrong and attempted to turn over onto her side and tuck her arm out of eye's view. When he went to reach for her hand, she flinched away. "You need to let me see it."

"No." She tried to be insistent, but like her body, her voice was weak. And when he reached her blood soaked arm, she had no fight in her. Her resistance was futile in that state. Her fight wasn't much of a fight at all.

"That's a lot of blood. What did you do?" He asked concernedly. Gently, he pulled back the cloth material of her shirt from her skin to reveal the bandage. "What did you do?" He asked again, but she still didn't answer. She felt weak, but she wasn't stupid. She wasn't going to admit to anything even if she had to and she wasn't going to willingly do it ever. She'd come up with a semi believable story once she really had no choice. But even without her response, he still went searching. Seeing the once white gauze all red and dripping, he became a little unnerved. He thought, maybe, she just had a tiny cut that opened when she hit him or something stupid like that, but that was so obviously not what it was. There shouldn't have been that much blood. Hesitantly, he went to examine it, pull at the tape that held the bandage to her skin, but she pulled back. She tried to snake her hand out of his hold and pull it closer, but his grip got tighter. He knew there was something there. He hoped he was wrong, but why else would she have been putting up any kind of fight? "I'm going to see. You might as well let me check it out." Still she tried, even knowing it was no use. She didn't come up with anything yet. She didn't want him to see. She didn't want anyone to see. No one was supposed to ever see.

"No. Puck. It's nothing." She was tired. She was sick of it all. Maybe she cut too deep. Maybe she didn't bandage it right. No matter what, she didn't want to show anyone, especially not him. Not him… But she honestly didn't care. She didn't care about anything. Sleep sounded so good right then. She just wanted to sleep; no, she wanted to rest. She just wanted a moment to rest; a moment where nothing else mattered, where she didn't feel so disgusting, and where she didn't have a million different thoughts running through her head. She just wanted a break. One simple break… And no one would give her that. Why wouldn't anyone give her that? Where was the relief from the relief? Just one good day… "I… I just hurt it… I… I cleaned it… It's fine…" He remained unconvinced. Hell, she was unconvinced.

"No, no it's not fine. You're bleeding. When did this happen?"

"Last night… Last night I was cutting up vegetables for dinner."

"I thought it happened this morning when you were making breakfast."

"What?" She asked confused. Had she said that? "Right. Yeah. Breakfast. That was what I said." He was even more confused and skeptical after that. "Cut it making breakfast." She just kept going with the lies. It didn't matter that she was caught; she just kept going.

And Puck was going to keep going too. He needed to see what there was to see. He needed to know even if he didn't want to. He saw the changes in her. He tried to ignore it, but there were signs. She wasn't her anymore, and that didn't change the whatever he felt for her. She was still important to him, still someone he didn't want to lose but didn't know how to hold on to… But he needed to know. He wanted to help. And to help, he needed to see what happened to the real Rachel Berry; his Rachel Berry. He wanted the cherry, opinionated, outspoken, talented, beautiful, perfect woman she was before whatever happened. He wanted her back. What happened to her? His feelings may not have changed, but that didn't mean he didn't want the original Berry instead of the distant, colder, weirder version she became.

All that aside, he just wanted to help her. The first step to that was stopping the bleeding and cleaning the cut. He wanted to know how it really happened. Obviously, he wasn't getting a straight answer. It felt like even she didn't know the answer. Keeping a firm grasp on her arm that she kept trying to take back, Puck searched for the tape edges. Finding them, covered in blood as well, he tore it off. He was tender, like moving too fast or too hard would break her, and he didn't want to break her. It was really a good thing the sight of blood didn't gross him out, because it was everywhere then.

If there was one thing he was sure of as he saw the fresh wound and its accompanying friends, it did not happen while cooking. No, it was too deep, too raw, and too deliberate. There were scars. It happened before. "Jeez Berry. What the hell is this shit?" He was upset, hurt and angry. Had she done this to herself? Did she not feel she could come to him so she hurt herself? He wanted to yell at her, to scream, to be angry, but all he could do was, as calmly as he could muster, ask, "Did you do this to yourself?" She looked away from him, pretending not to hear him. Saying yes was admitting defeat. Saying no was a lie. And while she wasn't opposed to lying, she didn't want to lie to him anymore. It wasn't a feeling she was used to. Normally, spouting lies was like a pastime. It was second nature, but she didn't want to lie to him. She would, and she had, but she didn't want to. So she said nothing. There was nothing she could say. He'd form his own theories and come up with his own conclusions. Nothing she said would deter that. So what was the point? What was the point of anything?

"Puck… Noah…"

"No, no Rachel. I need an answer!" He said as he started applying pressure to her injury. He needed to clean it and try to stop or at least slow the bleeding before rebandaging. He gave a mental thanks to his mom for sending him to a first aid class at the Jewish Community Center when she couldn't afford a babysitter and she had two jobs to work. His mother may not have been to his games or glee competitions, but she was there when it counted, but that was a reflection for another time. Then it was about Rachel and what Rachel was possibly doing to herself. "That cut… The one on your leg that I saw when we were… That wasn't from dancing was it? You did that too?"

"I didn't do anything." She insisted, but there was no conviction behind her words.

He was struggling then, both physically and mentally. Physically, he couldn't do much. He didn't know much about medicine, but he knew that much blood wasn't normal or healthy. His anatomy sucked too, but he knew a cut that deep on her wrist wasn't safe. It was dangerous, and that much blood made it that much more dangerous. And he couldn't help. He didn't know exactly how to help. "I need to take you to the hospital." He said as he wrapped up the cut tightly trying still to slow the bleeding. "I think you need stitches. How long has this been bleeding?"

"No hospital."

"Rachel, I can't help you and you need help."

"No help Puck. I'm fine. You should go."

"I'm not going anywhere!" He yelled. "I'm staying right here with you; to help you."

"I. Don't. Want. Your. Help. I don't need it. I'm fine. It's just a cut."

"No it's not! Your arm is covered in cuts and scars Berry! That's not you being ok!"

"It's none of your business!"

"Yes it is! It is my business because…"

"Because why? Why is it your business?"

"Because Rachel… Because I… I like, I lo… I care about you. I care about you a lot and I haven't always shown it. I used to bully you and I'm sorry that I did. I'm sorry about a lot of things, but the truth is that I care about you. So that makes this my business." The angry looks on their faces immediately turned to confusion. He was confused as to why he ever said anything like that and she was confused that she actually ever heard anything like that. They didn't understand completely that their feelings for each other had grown. If they weren't so consumed by everything else in their lives, they would've realized it sooner. It was always more than sex. They were friends; more than friends, and they really did care, maybe even love, each other. And they realized they were feeling something a long time ago; months ago, but they never realized just how much they were feeling or what it really was. And there were always more important things to focus on. Even then, they weren't ready to admit to anything. There'd be no copping to anything or great declarations of love in the middle of their argument, but there was this unspoken promise that they were there for each other. That had to mean something. "It is my business."

Rachel didn't know what to say. Puck didn't know what else to say. There was a lot of silence. They just stared when they should've been talking. They should've been getting her out of there and taking her to the hospital. They should've been getting her real help. Instead, they were silent. They were doing nothing but looking at each other like the answers were in their gazes. But they weren't. Rachel was still bleeding. Puck was still Puck. Rachel was still completely messed up. And Puck was still lost. So they did nothing.

And as the silence took them over, oblivious to everything else, Casey and Shelby were on their way home. More than that, they were making their way into the house. And, if they were so much as minutes earlier, they would've heard a lot more than they bargained for; a whole other issue would've been exposed. It needed to be exposed to them, but it wouldn't be then and it wouldn't be that easy. They already missed a chance. By skipping around the journal, they missed vital pieces of information; the cutting being just a fraction of it all. And they really weren't even prepared for that. At least, Shelby wasn't prepared. She wasn't prepared for any of it.

"So you're sure about this right?" Shelby asked her sister.

"Yes. Mark and I have discussed this. He was given the offer and it's more money and a better job title. And we'd be closer to you and the kids. I want that. I want to be here, especially now with everything going on. As long as you're ok with it, I'm going to tell him to take the job. We're moving to Lima."

"Good. We haven't been as close as we could've been for the past few years, but you always show up when I need you. And I need you now. My daughter needs you now and you're the only one of us that she seems to talk to. So I'm glad you're moving here. And I'm happy that you're staying with us until Mark comes and you find a house of your own."

"I love you too Shelby." Casey said with a smile.

"Come on." Shelby started as she turned the car off, suddenly more somber. "Let's get inside and make sure she's ok so we can have one more good day with Rachel before all hell breaks loose." Shaking her head, she continued, "If she ever finds out about the journal…"

"Then she finds out, and she'll be mad. She'll be furious and won't want to talk to us. We'll be stuck living with the cold shoulder and she'll do whatever she can just to piss us off, but it will be ok. It will be ok because we'll know we did what we had to do. We'll know we did everything we possibly could to help her. And one day, she'll understand that. One day, she won't be living in this world of psychosis and voices telling her not to eat and to exercise every minute of every day, and she'll see that we're the reason why. So it's going to hurt us. It's going to hurt her, but one day… One day she'll thank us. She'll be better, she'll thank us, and it will be all worth it."

"And if she doesn't think so? If she doesn't thank us?"

"Then it will still be worth it. She could never forgive us. As long as she lives through the demons, it will be worth it."

Shelby hesitated. Getting out of the car and walking through the front door meant facing reality. Outside those four walls with Casey and Beth, it was all just an idea; it was all just a possibility. But facing Rachel, looking into her eyes and searching for the truth made it a reality. Shelby wasn't ready for that. She wasn't ready to face it. She wasn't ready to admit she was a failure as a mother, as a caretaker, and as a human being. She missed it. She didn't see it. Or worse, she did. She saw it and did nothing because she didn't' want to see it. "I guess we should go in."

Casey reached her hand over the gear shift and gently placed it on Shelby's leg and squeezed. "We'll figure it out. We'll do everything we can. Rachel has us now."

"Let's do this…"

"Let's do this."

Pulling Beth from her car seat, they made their way into the house, walking right into unknown tension. They made small talk and did the sisters thing, completely unaware of the secrets being held upstairs; completely unaware of Puck and Rachel's intense stare down… Just completely oblivious to the other sides of the problem. They just went on about their day, hoping to have one last good one, one last day of naivety, one last day where their relationship, their whole family dynamic, wasn't about fixing Rachel. They didn't want things to change, not for the worse, but they were expecting it too. And, they wanted to do everything they could to her, but they needed to figure things out and they didn't want to do too much too fast because that would be just as bad as doing nothing at all. They had so many things to figure out and so many things they'd need to get right, but they were looking forward to one last good day before the storm front rolled in. One good day…

"Do you think Rachel will want to help us cook or should we just order in?"

Casey looked to Shelby with pointed eyes. Did she not grasp the concept? "I don't think it matters."

"It matters to me. She matters to me. And I know that this is harder on her and she just doesn't get it yet, but it's hard on me too. And I don't know what's right and I don't know what's wrong, but I have to try. I have to try to make things normal. I need to see… I… I need to see it for myself. I need to really watch her eat to fully believe it. I need to… I need to see it." Shelby was near tears, allowing the weight of the revelation to hit her slowly. Piece by tiny piece, it was all hitting her and it was starting to feel like too much. She ignored it for too long and it was definitely catching up with her. Casey would do whatever she could to cushion the fall, but there would still be a heavy impact.

"Ok Shelby, please relax." Casey moved toward Shelby and comforted her, made Shelby look to her and did what she could to make things lighter. There wasn't really much she could do because she was feeling it too. "Let's get everything set up. We'll put the groceries away and get what we need out. Then we'll get her. I know you're scared, but we'll keep an eye on her." With a small, faint smile, Casey nodded and said, "Let's just get through the night."

"One day at a time?"

"One day at a time." Going about their business, they set up for the movie night they had planned. The first thing Casey checked was the breakfast she made which remained uneaten and the note seemed unmoved. "She didn't eat it."

"What?"

"It doesn't look like she even came down here."

"What do you mean?"

"The note is exactly where we left it and the food is stale."

Without so much as a peep, Shelby took a calming breath to try and push away the thoughts. After everything she learned, it was hard not to read too much into it, but she was doing her best. "Rachel, we're home." She called from the bottom of the stairs. She wanted to do more. She wanted to drag Rachel into the kitchen by her ears and force feed her everything she could possibly find, but she couldn't do that. She had to play her cards right and that meant staying in control of herself and keeping her emotions in check.

Just up those stairs, Puck and Rachel were still in the battle of the eyes, unsure of what to say, what to do, or where to go next. They only looked and let the feelings settle. Rachel was scared and confused. She didn't want to be doing that. She didn't want to talk. She didn't want help. She didn't want anything. And Puck was so un-Puck. He was thinking about feelings and caring about someone else. It was weird and something he wasn't accustomed to, but he kind of liked it. That… that freaked him out. Was that how normal people felt? Did he want to feel that? At that moment, he really didn't care. What he did care about was helping Rachel whether she wanted it or not. He was going to find out what exactly happened and help her even if it was against her will. Santana and he, they had suspicions, but the cuts, they weren't part of the theory. And he ignored the original theory, although he was starting to question its validity; obviously he wasn't seeing the truth of it all, but things were different. He may not know the whole story or what happened, but he knew it wasn't good and he was going to see it through. He'd be her rock, even if she didn't allow him to be.

There could be no more staring. He snapped out of his trance once he realized she was still bleeding and still weak. She still needed help and he was the only helper. "You need help Rachel. Let me help."

"Pu…"

"I will not let you bleed to death. That's too much blood. Most days I'm an idiot but I know that's not right. You have to know that too."

"Puck, Noah…"

"Rachel, we're home!" The voice, the unexpected voice, broke their reverie.

"Crap." She swore. She didn't want them home yet.

"Shit Berry." They were both panicking.

"You have to go." She wanted to go with him. She was tired and weak and in no state to be dealing with the drama that was Shelby Corcoran. By the sound of her voice, she wasn't in a happy "leave Rachel alone" mood. And Rachel was in no place to deal with any of it. Puck could see that. Rachel could feel that, yet no one was really doing anything.

"I'm not leaving you. I'll just have to tell Shelby."

"What?!" She nearly yelled. "No!"

"Rachel!" Damn her mother…

"No Puck, you can't." She moved closer to him, using all her strength to get on her knees and move closer. She'd grovel if she had to. And being near tears never hurt in like situations. "You said you care. If… if you care about me, if you really care, you won't say anything. You wouldn't say anything. You can't. Please, you can't."

"Rachel, I have to…"

"Rachel! If you don't answer me, I'm coming up there!"

"You have to go. I'm going to be in enough trouble as it is since I didn't answer. If she finds you here I'm dead. Please Noah, please… Don't tell and just go."

"Come with me."

"What?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Noah, what does trust have to do with anything?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Uh… mm, yeah?"

"Yeah?"

"Yes, I trust you."

"Then come with me. I know someone that can help without taking you to the hospital and don't say you don't need help because you do. And you only have two choices here. You can come with me and hopefully my friend will help, or I wait here, holding my hand over your cut until Shelby comes in here and sees and completely freaks out and takes you to the hospital, or I can just take you to the hospital. So that's three choices really, but the last two end the same. You pick."

"That's not… That's not fair Noah." She whined.

"Doing this isn't fair." He said pointing out her self-inflicted wounds.

"I'm tired. I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to go with you. I don't want to fight with her. I just want to sleep. Please let me sleep."

"No. Come with me or I get Shelby. Or we can wait for her. She already called for you, she'll be up here soon and she'll open the door and she'll look at all the blood on us and think I hurt you and probably kill me, but hey, that's what you want."

Her eyes shifted as she panicked. She could hear Shelby calling again. Puck was starring at her with disapproving eyes expecting some kind of answer. What if she didn't have an answer? What if she didn't have an out? She had to have an out. She could dissuade Puck, but Shelby seeing her like that… It was a big no-no; a big one. Her eyes shifted from him to the door; the door she anticipated Shelby breaking through. Her heart was racing, her mind was scattered, and her body was frail, but she still wasn't stupid. She needed and out and Puck was the better choice. "Ok. Ok. Get me out of here. No telling her. Do what you have to do, but get me out of here without Shelby or Casey finding anything out. I trust you Noah." She had to trust him. There was no one else to trust but him.

"Good." He said before springing into action. He handed her a piece of paper telling her to write a note saying something; saying anything that Shelby would believe. She did and he taped it to her door so they knew it'd be seen. And as he did that for her, he heard Shelby practically running up the stairs obviously worried and in search of answers.

"She's going to kill me you know? I'm going to get in trouble for this. And how are we even going to get out of here? She's going to walk in and see everything and I'm never going to be allowed to leave the house. Do you want that?"

"Honestly, I don't care. Right now all I care about is getting you help."

"I don't…"

"Yeah, yeah, you don't need help. But you said you trust me, so trust me."

A knock on the door stilled them. They shut their mouths and kept from moving. "Rachel are you in there?" Shelby knocked again opting then to try the handle. The knob jiggled and they both watched not sure if Rachel locked it or not. Luckily for them, it was locked and after a few extra jiggles, Shelby's descending footsteps could be heard. The stomping made it clear she was not happy. Rachel was half expecting her cell phone to ring right then and there and an angry voicemail to be left when she didn't answer.

"You should still go."

"Trust me Rachel. Let me help you."

"Fine." She wasn't giving in, not by any means, but she wanted out of that house. She wanted out of it all for just a little while and Puck was offering her that. Plus, she was confidant she could persuade him to take her somewhere that didn't involve other people or prying questions. "How do you propose we get out of here?"

"The same way I usually get in?"

"Is that a question?"

"No, no, we're going out the window. I promise to take care of you." She was frustrated and he was really trying. He made sure her cut was wrapped up tight and clean, forcing her to hold a cloth over it with a little pressure just to be extra cautious. He made sure she was safe and all he wanted to do was be there for her. He wanted to talk, which he knew wasn't normal for him, but he wanted to talk to her about the baby they lost and the things in their lives. He just wanted to… he wanted to be with her. How weird was that?

Getting out of the house, although she was a participant, felt like a foggy afternoon where she was just sitting in the cloudiest area watching everything happen without ever being a part of it. She felt like a spectator to her life. And that was ok. She didn't want to feel anything or be a part of anything then. The fog was good. If only it could consume her… Make her disappear… The point was that she wasn't sure how she got there, but Puck got them safely out of the window, away from the house, and into his car without getting caught.

All she could think as they drove to who knew where, was that she must've really cut deep and all the exertion and hitting must've really done a number on it because she was already bleeding through the white of the gauze again. But it didn't bother her. She actually liked the light headed feeling that came with losing so much blood and she liked the stinging feeling she got when she put pressure on it. She loved it actually; enjoyed it and welcomed it. She wanted more of it. And it didn't bother her that she could die. She'd welcome that too; the relief of it all… It would be a permanent solution for all the feelings she didn't want to be feeling. Was it wrong that she felt that way? It didn't feel wrong. In fact, it felt… It felt so right. The thought gave her peace… No more sadness. No more pain No more bullying and torture. Just no more… No more anything… That was all she wanted; all she strived for. Shouldn't she just give in? She had been fighting it and fighting it. But was that still what she wanted? Wasn't it time to just accept that things weren't getting better?

"What are you thinking about?" He disturbed her thoughts.

"What?" Did he say something?

"What are you thinking about? You look like you're lost in your head."

"Maybe I am."

"So where are you?"

"Can we go somewhere? Can we just drive to Roosevelt Park? That seems like a good place to go." They seemed to both like it there.

"Yeah Berry, let's just let you bleed to death so we can go to the park and look at all the still dead flowers."

"They were pretty dead last time we went and that didn't seem to bother you."

"You weren't bleeding then."

"And I'm fine now."

"No!" She looked at him confused. Why was he yelling? "No Rachel, just no. We're going where we're going and that's that."

"And where is it that we're going?"

"Just… Just shut up Rachel. I'm trying here. I'm trying to be the good guy, the guy you deserve. But right now you're making it really hard. I mean… Shit Berry. Just shit…" He had the right to feel however he felt and he was seething. He was feeling things, and, on some level, he knew she was feeling things too. Then he learned about the baby that never would be and it was all just piling up. There was so much to deal with without… without the possibility of Rachel actually hurting herself. His Rachel was hurting herself… Why? Why do that? Why would she… How could she? "We're going and that's that. So just… Just shut up."

She wanted to say something; to come up with some witty, very Rachel like retort, but she didn't. She said nothing. She really didn't have anything to say. It was best she just remain silent and, for once, she just listened to that instinct and filtered herself. There was nothing to say anyway. Whatever he was feeling, she was feeling too. Only difference was that she was making herself feel worse. She had no idea what was really going on in his head, but she could only assume that he was mad at her because she killed their baby. Sure, he said he wasn't, but Puck actually was a nice guy and he was just being him, trying to make it ok for her. But she knew the truth. She knew he wasn't ok with any of it. Or… or was he happy it was gone? She knew what he said, she heard him, but she didn't believe him. She barely even believed herself most days. And, really, that wasn't what she should've been worried about right then.

They looked like a crime scene and she really didn't care. That's what she should've been worried about. They were driving to an undisclosed location for undisclosed reasons. That she should've been worried about. But she wasn't. She wasn't worried about anything. She didn't care about much. She just was. And he didn't know what to make of it. He wasn't sure what he was seeing in her, but he did know it wasn't good.

None of it was good. So he just drove. He tried not to think but he thought it all, and he drove.

Back at the house, Shelby was less than thrilled with what she found. A note… Really? There were rules. They were there for a reason. And she was the mom. She was the mom! That at least deserves a phone call and the ability to deny permission. But no, she got a note. A stupid, stupid note attached to a door, a locked door, left to let her know that her daughter would be out. There was no asking. There was no telling of who, what, when, or where. It was just a note.

_Shelby, _

_Went out with my friends, but will return before curfew. Tell Casey it was good to meet her and I hope to see her soon. _

_Rachel_

That was the note. What kind of note was that? Where was her asking for permission or, at the very least, telling her where she'd be and with whom. It was unacceptable; even more so since she learned all she learned. Who knew what Rachel was really doing? There was a lack of trust there that had gradually been building with Rachel's rebellion, but after learning and trying to accept that there was more at play, it became more about fear than trust. She didn't want Rachel out of her sight. Things could happen. More things could happen while she wasn't looking and she couldn't accept that. She couldn't allow that to happen. But seeing just a note and not even a call made her forget all of that for a second and just made her mad.

"Where's Rachel?" Casey asked as Shelby came into the living room.

Holding up the note and waving it around she answered, "She says she was happy to meet you and that she'll miss you."

"Ok?"

"She wasn't there."

"What do you mean she wasn't there? What is that?"

"Oh, this? Well this, this is my daughter telling me she went out with friends. I assume it's her way of getting out of hearing the word no or, or something, but she is out with friends; which friends, I don't know, but she's out. She knew you were leaving today and even though you're not now, she didn't know that."

"You're upset?"

"Yes I'm upset."

"You're worried."

"Of course I am."

"Maybe it's a good thing. If she's with friends, at least she's not out running or exercising or doing something to make everything worse. I mean, they're a bunch of glee kids. How much trouble could they get into?"

"You'd think."

"Did you try calling?"

"I wanted to give myself a minute. So I paced my room a bit before coming down here. I'm going to call her now."

"Do it, I'll give you some space. Beth wants some Auntie time anyway."

Once Casey left the room, Shelby dialed Rachel's number. There was no answer, not even the second time or the third. A forth seemed pretty stupid, so she decided to try someone else. She said she was with friends, so that meant Kurt. "Hello?"

"Kurt, it's Shelby."

"Oh, uh, what can I do for you?"

"Is Rachel with you? She's not answering her phone and I wanted to check in with her."

"Rachel, with me?" He answered nervously. "Um, yeah, she… She just went to the bathroom to wash up. Uh, lunch got a little messy." That was the best lie he could come up with. He didn't want his friend to get in trouble; he just wished she told him he was being used as a cover. And he would make it his mission to get all the details out of her the next time he saw her. He thought it better be juicy. "I uh… I can tell her you called."

"No, that's ok. She'll know I called. I left messages." She didn't want to panic while on the phone. Every time Rachel went to the bathroom after a meal, even just hearing about it, she'd panic. She'd think the worst and know it was a possibility. So she just wanted off the phone and returned to her sister.

"What'd Rachel have to say?" No answer. "Shelby? Shelby what is it?" She asked in concern. She didn't like the look on her sister's face. "Did something happen?"

"I don't want it to be like this."

"What do you mean?"

"I couldn't get a hold of her."

"Ok…"

"My thoughts immediately went to, 'What if she lied and went running and is lying in a ditch somewhere'."

"Shel…"

"And then I call her friend and he said she was there with him."

"That's great. Did you talk to her?"

"He told me she was in the bathroom and, and I wanted to panic. Is it always going to be like that? Am I always going to think like that? Worry about that?"

"Yes, probably. Mothers worry. That's a fact. And with Rachel, you have more reason. Hopefully, hopefully it won't always be that bad, but you don't stop worrying. I know it's new with Rachel. You thought you'd only have to worry about Beth but it's worse when they're older. There's less control. I worry about Danny every day and he's an adult off at college living his life."

"Ugh…" She groaned. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Maybe it's a good thing that Rachel went out."

"Yeah? Why?"

"It gives us some time to talk about what we do next."

"And what do we do?"

"I don't know."

"That's great." Shelby said as she sunk into the couch next to Casey and leaned her head on her sister's shoulder. "Maybe you should tell me what mom said."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, but let's be clear so you don't get mad. I told her it was a friend of Rachel's and a student of yours that you were worried about."

"I'm listening."

"Good. She told me that…" Casey and Shelby discussed everything their mother said from advice to words of wisdom and chastising quips. There was a lot to digest, but their mother successfully, in their opinion, raised two daughters and her words were something they needed to trust in. Even so, it was going to be a difficult road and they had a lot more to figure out before they even began to help Rachel. They just wanted one more good day. One more…

Before that, though, they needed ideas. They needed a plan. And as worried as they were about Rachel and as upset as they were at her for just leaving, they needed the time alone knowing she was safe with Kurt to make those plans and figure out where to go from there. That one good day would have to wait.

Just more than fifteen minutes away from the Corcoran household, Puck pulled into a less than familiar driveway. "Where are we?" Rachel mumbled. She wanted to sleep or pass out, whichever came first, though she didn't want to do that in front of him, but the car ride and silence wasn't helping the urge.

"Just stay here. Don't move. Don't go anywhere." Puck demanded as he undid the seatbelt and opened his door.

"Where would I go? I look like I just walked out or a bad fight scene and I don't know where we are." He ignored the snotty sarcastic tone of her voice and got out of the car, stopping and turning to her one last time.

"And don't fall asleep."

"Why not?"

"I may not have taken you to a hospital, but I'm not letting you die either."

"I'm not dying and I'm not going to die."

"You don't know that. That cut was deep. You could be bleeding to death right now."

"But I'm not."

"We don't have time for this. Just shut up and stay here until I come get you. You better hope she's here." He slammed his door shut and approached the house leaving a confused Rachel behind. She had questions, but she didn't care to find the answers to them. If she was stronger, she probably would've gotten up and walked away, but she wasn't and she didn't know where she was, so she was stuck there. And she'd wait. She figured she owed him that much.

Puck was reeling, confused, hurt and angry, but he had to pull himself together. There was no time to process the baby or the situation really, he just had to get to the door and convince her to help. Yeah, he just had to be his charming self and get Rachel help without taking her to the hospital. Although, he really should've taken her to the hospital. Instead, he took her to a friend of his mother; a friend that happened to be a doctor which helped, but she wasn't a hospital.

Reaching the door, he began knocking fervently. He needed her to be home and he needed her to answer. "Come on, come on, come on." Nothing could happen to Rachel. He needed her to be ok for glee, for Shelby, for Beth, but mostly for him. He needed her. He needed Rachel in his life even if he only got her sometimes. He'd take her however he could get her. And the feeling was mutual. Rachel wasn't completely aware of it and she denied herself most feelings, but she needed him too.

"Noah? What's going on? What are you doing here?"

"Dr. D, I am so glad you're home." He rushed out.

"How have you been Noah? What's going on?"

"I'm good. Ma's good. I need your help."

"Is it drugs?" She said disapprovingly. "Your mother was always worried you'd get into that. They're a slippery slope."

"It's, it's not drugs. It's not even me." The doctor could read his authenticity clearly. It wasn't drugs, but he had yet to tell her why he was there; why he showed up at her house when they, personally, hadn't had more than a few words exchanged in over a year.

"Do you want to come in? I'll get you something to drink get you to calm down a little." A little courtesy tended to go a long way. Maybe that would get him to tell her what he needed. But then she noticed the stain. "Are you bleeding Noah?"

"Actually my friend… She's in the…" He pointed to the car. "There was a lot of blood and she's pale and she said no hospital. I… She needs your help."

Nodding and worried, the woman waved and said, "Bring her in."

"Thank you." He said before rushing to the car to get Rachel. Immediately, he was met with resistance. She fought him on it, not wanting the help and not wanting to walk into a situation she couldn't control. She didn't know this doctor woman person.

"I'm not going in there." Rachel insisted.

"Yes you are. Come on, I'm going to pick you up."

"I can walk."

"Last time you tried that you almost fell over and we don't really want to do that again. Do we?"

"I hate you." She practically whimpered as he took her into his arms.

"You love me and my hot body."

He carried her in and Dr. D directed him to sit her at the table. Once Rachel was situated, still unhappy about it all and making that perfectly clear, Dr. D, who less formally introduced herself as Del short for Delilah, sat adjacent Rachel to examine the damage. It looked like a mess. From the doctor's perspective, with the blood all over the shirt, on Noah too, she'd assume there was a lot of carnage, but she only saw one bandage. "Let me see." Del said to the girl.

"I, I'm fine. Really." Rachel was holding back tears, trying with all she had to give off this nonchalant façade, but it wasn't working. She didn't want anyone else to see. Puck was bad enough, but this woman… She didn't even know her.

"Please let me see your arm Rachel." She sighed. The older woman, graying blonde hair and shining blue eyes, saw nothing but sadness in the frail little child before her. That was what Rachel looked like; a child with once bright eyes that dulled with the pressures and hardships life bestowed upon her. "There's a lot of blood on you Rachel. Please just let me check it out." Still, Rachel wouldn't let her. She couldn't do that. She really couldn't. "Noah, you remember the guest room you used when you were younger and stayed over when I watched you right?" He nodded. "There's a blue bag and a first aid kit in the closet. Go get it please." When he left the room, Del moved closer to Rachel. "You look really pale Rachel. I think you might need stitches, but I won't know if I can't see it."

Couldn't she just bleed out in peace? That wasn't her initial intention; it was just a release, but if that was what it turned out to be, the end, she would've been ok with that. Why was there so much concern? She wasn't concerned. She was fine. "I don't need that. I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Are you light headed?"

"No."

"Don't lie Rachel." Puck surprised them both. He ran there and back so fast they didn't expect him. "She almost passed out twice already."

"I am fine."

"I don't think so Rachel. Let me see your arm or I'll be forced to call an ambulance. Lightheadedness isn't a good sign and I think I can help you without going to the hospital, but you need to let me see."

"Please Rachel. Let her help. She's a good friend of my ma and she knows what she's doing." Puck coaxed her, gliding his hand over hers until it was in Del's hand. After that, Rachel just had to give in. her hand, really her life and secret, was in this stranger's hand,

Trepidation, anguish, diminished everything… That was what she was feeling as her hand was examined. She didn't want to look at the woman's face. She knew. She knew that Del knew something. Even the caring doctor's touch and the kind words weren't soothing. Rachel was still sure doctors were not her friend and that wasn't going to change then. "How did this happen?" And there it was. Both teens looked away. Her penetrating eyes focused on Rachel waiting for an answer. When it became clear there wasn't going to be an answer and definitely not an honest one, she shifted to Puck. "Noah?"

"She uh…" That look. It was the same look his mom gave him when she knew he did something wrong. "She got cut while cooking." That was her story and he cared too much not to stick to it.

"Right." Del did a basic exam on Rachel. She was bleeding and bleeding a lot, but it looked like something she could help. She directed Rachel to keep her hand still as she went into her bag and pulled out an IV and suture kit. Always be prepared right? "Ok Rachel. Here's what I'm going to do. I work at a hospital and I believe in being prepared in emergency, so I have everything I need to help you. I'm going to put this needle in your arm to hydrate you and pump fluids into your body. You're pale, but something tells me that it's more than just the bleeding that's causing that. Then I'm going to numb the area, I don't have what we use at the hospital so you'll still feel a little, but you'll be ok. It'll be numb and then I'll close it up."

"You don't… you don't have to."

"Unless you want to go to the hospital, I suggest you let me do this." Rachel couldn't argue with that. The hospital was the last thing she wanted. Like the last time, Shelby would be called and then things would go from bad to worse, and they were already pretty bad. There was no way she was in a mind frame capable of handling that. So she'd allow her to do what needed to be done to avoid that.

Del placed the needle in Rachel's arm and elevated the bag of fluids for optimal use. The stitches didn't take too long and she properly bandaged her arm. The wrapping wasn't too conspicuous. If Shelby happened to see it, which Rachel figured she would, she could say she sprained it while out with friends; a bowling injury. The ball was just too heavy and she got hurt. That was plausible, right?

Believable or not, that shouldn't have been what she was thinking about. She was hooked up to an IV, wound was dressed, and she was lying on the couch as directed. She was being force fed high iron foods and told to relax. How could she relax? "Eat this." The elder woman instructed. "The iron will help and you look like you could use a little nourishment." She stood firm with arms crossed in a very disciplinarian kind of way making it clear that Rachel was going to do whatever she said. "Noah, we're going to let her rest. You are coming with me."

"But Dr. D…"

"With me Noah."

"I'll be back Rachel. Just do what she says." It was weird that simple words, nothing even remotely helpful, were comforting; knowing he'd be back was comforting. She didn't understand it. Maybe she didn't want to. It felt like a good thing. It could be a good thing, or a terrible thing. It was something to figure out later.

Del took Puck aside. There were things to discuss. "Sit Noah."

"Ok." He grew up with this woman. He knew he could trust her, but he also knew that she was close to his mother and that she had this control over him like his mother did.

"What is wrong with that girl?"

"What do you mean? She's fine."

"How did she really hurt herself?" He looked a little guilty. He wanted to tell her the truth. Maybe she could help Rachel, but he couldn't do that; not to her.

"Just like I told you, it was an accident."

"Were you there for this accident?"

"Well no, but…"

"Noah, this is serious. I noticed other cuts on her as well.'

"I saw them too." He said quietly.

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"What? No, no she's a friend."

"But you care about her?"

"I guess. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Over the years I've noticed that my patients' parents always want to believe the best. The loved ones always have to have hope. And that's great, but sometimes, it clouds their judgment. They can't see what's right in front of them because they don't want to see it so they go into a denial stage. That's kind of what you're doing right now."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is. She is hurting. I'm sure she has been through a lot and she's just trying to deal with it. Think about it. Why didn't she want to go to a hospital when she so clearly needed to?"

"She didn't want her mom to know." He was quick to defend her.

"Is her mother abusive? A bad parent?"

"Well… no. They're just not on the best of terms most days."

"Do you think she's ok?"

"Yes." She gave a stern look. "No. Maybe. I don't know. She could be ok."

"You want to help her. I can see that, so help her. Get that girl some help Noah. She listens to you. Talk to her. Get her to open up. Tell her mother or father. Tell a teacher. Get someone you know and trust to help her. Just get her help. And get her to eat something. She's much too thin."

"Yeah, yeah I'll do that." He got up to walk away, but found himself stuck. "Do you really think she's doing this to herself?" He thought it, but he needed someone else to say it or he couldn't believe it. "Hurting herself?"

"There is no doubt in my mind that that wound was self inflicted." She moved closer to him soothing him with her tone. "She's hurting and it's dangerous. Next time she might not let you help her, and she could die. One day she will cut too deep and there might not be anyone around to help her." All he could do was nod. What else was he supposed to do? "Give me her full name and number and I'll talk to her family. They should know about this. They should get her treatment."

"Uh… No, no… I'll handle it." Treatment? Did that mean she was going to be put away? He didn't like juvie and he imagined a mental hospital to be a lot like that. He didn't want her to experience that; to be subjected to that. No, he wasn't going to tell Shelby; not unless he had to. "I'll, I'll talk to her mother when I bring her home."

"Promise me Noah."

"I," don't, "promise."

"Once the IV is done, take her home get her tucked into her own bed, alone, or on the couch. Make sure she rests and keeps hydrated over the next few days. Keep an eye on her."

"I will."

"When you tell her family, tell her parents they can call me anytime. You have my number. And tell someone to stay with her tonight. Let's go see her and I'll tell you what to look out for and what to stay away from for the next few days."

"Thank you for helping Del. And I know it's a lot to ask, but please don't tell ma. Rachel's not going to want anyone else to know and I owe her that."

"I won't tell your mother Noah. This girl seems good for you. Take care of her. Get her help and be there for her."

"I will. I told you I would."

"Let's go check on our patient."

The two of them returned to Rachel who was resting comfortably, though anxiously too. Del explained to them what to look out for, what symptoms and signs they needed to look out for and go to the hospital if they saw. She warned Rachel to stay away from alcohol, aspirin, and tea, anything that thins the blood. She doled out the limitations and explained not to get it wet. And as the last of the fluid seeped into Rachel's system, she took it out and said, "On Monday, one week from tomorrow, come see me after school. I'm sure Noah would be happy to drive you over."

"Course, Rach and I will be there."

"Ok kids. It's getting late and you need rest. Noah, take her home and both of you remember what I told you. If you have questions, don't hesitate to call."

"Thank you so much for your help. I appreciate it so much." Rachel kindly said, although she wasn't sure if she was actually grateful.

"Thanks Dr. D." Puck added.

"Take care of yourselves. And Noah," she said quietly, "take care of her." He nodded and escorted Rachel out. They were quiet again. They couldn't sort their emotions and couldn't figure out what to say. There was no right or wrong and it wasn't black or white, but the grey wasn't very clear either. So it was quiet, for the most part.

"She calls you Noah."

"What?"

"You let her call you Noah."

"She's ma's friend. I grew up with her and her kids around. Like Ma, calling me Puck wasn't happening."

"You let me call you Noah."

"It's hot when you say it."

"I can't go back to Shelby's like this."

"Whatdya mean?"

"There's blood all over me and if she sees you there'll be all sorts of questions that I don't want to deal with."

"Alright, we'll stop at my house and you can take some of my sister's clothes. You're tiny. They'll fit. Then I'll take you back and I'll stay with you tonight."

"You don't have to do that."

"I have to do that."

"Do I have a choice?"

"No, we have to talk and you can either talk to me tonight or we can tell Shelby all about the stitches."

"I… I… just… just do it. We'll go to your house change and then go to Shelby's. You'll park at the end of the street and come in the way you usually do."

"Ok."

"Ok."

It took an hour for them to find something, change and get back to Shelby's. It felt like the day was never-ending. It was barely eight and it felt like it should've been Tuesday already. Puck did a drive by, stopping at the curb to let Rachel out, then parking in some random spot down the block. While Rachel was dealing with mother hen, he'd be sneaking his way onto the second floor.

Before going in, Rachel had to physically calm herself. Shelby was undoubtedly waiting for her. Her phone had like ten missed calls, all of which she ignored and didn't even check, but she knew most, if not all, were from her mo… her Shelby or Casey. She'd be ok if they were from Casey. With that many calls, Shelby was probably anxious to see her and, she assumed, yell at her. On top of that, she felt uncomfortable and exposed wearing someone else's clothes; clothes made for a twelve year old that were still a little baggy on her. The shirt sleeves barely covered her arm which was the most important thing at the time to hide the gauze and ace bandaged wrist. And it was still chilly outside so when Shelby saw that she was in a flimsy long sleeve shirt, she'd never hear the end of it. She didn't want to go through the door and she looked like an idiot just standing there at her own front door. Idiot… that was what she was and felt like most days.

She had to go in. Deep breath in and out and she opened the door hoping to tip toe her way up the stairs unnoticed. It was unlikely and not going to happen, but she had to believe it was a possibility. Though, that belief was short lived because as soon as she made it to the stairs, Casey was coming out of her room. "Rachel, you're back." Wait, Casey?

"Casey? I thought you left."

"If you didn't disappear earlier, you would've been home when we got back and you'd know that I'm staying. Mark's company is opening a new branch here and he's in charge of it. So, I'm staying here until we figure things out and find a house."

"That's… great." It was, wasn't it?

"Yeah, where were you anyway?"

"I'd like to know that too." Shelby appeared out of nowhere.

"Oh um… I just…" Her hand was hidden behind her back so that they couldn't see. "I went out with Kurt and his boyfriend."

"You left a note Rachel. That's not ok. I tried calling. We both tried calling and you didn't answer."

"I'm sorry. I, I thought I put my phone on charge last night and I did… and I didn't get the calls. I'm sorry." She may or may not have been sorry but she definitely wanted to get out of there. Her bed was calling to her.

"Where did you go?"

"We uh… We went out with some kids from Blaine's school. We went out for lunch and did some shopping, and then we went back to Blaine's house. There may have been some karaoke. And his mother is an excellent cook." If she was going to lie, she figured she might as well kill two birds with one stone; the food alibi was just as important. "Did you know Blaine's older brother is an actor? He was in that commercial you love so much."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'll ask Blaine to get you an autograph, but right now, I want to take a shower and get ready for school in the morning. I have a few last minute things to take care of. Good night. I'm glad you're staying Casey." With a fake smile plastered on her face and some quick sneaky maneuvering of her arm, Rachel swiftly left the room.

"Oh, she so totally played you." Casey laughed.

"What?"

"You let her play you. You were all set on telling her that she broke the rules. You were angry and planning on having a talk with her. We had it all planned out and she played you."

"No she didn't."

"She did. She just conned her way out of here."

"No."

"Yes she did. She's good, sneaky. I like her."

"You would. She's like you. I always got caught. You did things you weren't supposed to all the time, but you never got caught."

"That's because I was the good one."

"Secretly, I think you were worse than I was."

"It's possible. But the point is you let her play you like a fiddle."

"I did."

"You did." Casey still smiled as she poked fun at Shelby. "Let her think she got away with it. We'll talk to her tomorrow. Talking to her now wouldn't do any good anyway. She has school in the morning, and she looked exhausted."

"Oh god, do you think she was lying? Where do you think she really went? What was she really doing?" Shelby panicked.

"Let's not think like that; not yet. One more good day… Let's stick with that. It has been pretty good so far. And it would've been better if Rachel was here, but we should hold onto that."

"One more good day? Ok." The sisters walked away together. They'd get through it, and they'd bring Rachel with them. They'd get her through it too; they were determined to.

Rachel, however, wasn't so sure she wanted to get through. Most of the time she just wanted to let go. That was what usually felt the best; a permanent escape. Who didn't want that? It was something she'd have to think about; something she was considering more than she probably should have been. But it seemed nice; like she'd finally be happy in the end with no more pain and no more suffering. It would all be over and she wouldn't have to feel as bad as she felt all the time. She'd beat the bullies. They'd feel guilty, maybe; she doubted it, but it was possible.

As she was entering her room, Puck was just closing the window. "You're way too good at that."

"Thanks."

"It really wasn't a compliment Noah. Prowess in the world of breaking and entering isn't something to aspire to."

"At least I'm good at something."

"You're good at a lot of things Noah. You just don't let yourself be."

"You're great too Berry. You used to know that."

"I don't know anything anymore." She mumbled.

"Hey, come here." Puck called her over and she obediently came. He wrapped her up in a hug holding her tight. He could see her breaking. A little at a time, he was losing her. The spark and shine of the star was fading and he didn't know how to stop it, but he had to try. There was a lot of trying going on. "Why don't you lie down for a while? I'll stay with you."

"I already told you that you don't have to."

"But I want to."

"Besides, I need to take a bath."

"Alright, I can help with that."

"Puck…"

"No, I mean, I'll get everything set up and you just find the clothes you're going to wear after." It sounded stupid, but it was all he could really do right then. He couldn't magically make anything better and she wouldn't really let him do much, but he could do that. He could do the menial things that she shouldn't have been doing given the situation. He just wanted to help like he promised he would. He wanted to be there for her and he would.

"That's sweet Noah, but really, you should go."

"I'm staying and that's that, so shut up and let me help."

"Ok."

Puck set her up in the best bath he ever made for anyone. And once she was done and dressed, he took care of her however he could; making sure she didn't get the stitches wet and wrapping it up once again when she was dry, and he held her as she laid in bed. He just held her like she needed to be held and like he needed to feel her. And when Shelby knocked on the door to check on her, he hid as Rachel pretended to be asleep, locking the door as she left and climbing back into bed with her. They both lay on their sides, Puck behind her pulling her back tight against his front, one arm under his head, the other over her body, unconsciously resting on her stomach where the baby they should've had would've been growing, thriving in her womb.

"Why'd you do it?" He broke the dark silence that took the room over.

"Do what?"

"Why'd you cut yourself? Did you try to kill yourself?"

"What?" Her heart was racing. "If, if I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead." Truth… partial truth anyway…

"Was it because of the baby?"

"Yes. No. Maybe. No, I didn't do anything. It was an accident."

"No it wasn't Rachel. You took a knife or some sharp shit and you sliced open your own skin. I'm sorry about the baby and I'm sorry about your fathers, but I don't get it. How'd things get so bad? Why didn't you come to me? Why do that? Why cut yourself? Why did you do it then?"

"I… I just…" She sighed. The tears had been welling from the moment her head hit the pillow and the second Noah put a gentle hand upon her, but she stopped it. She didn't want to cry. "I just wanted some peace." She couldn't deny it anymore and she'd blame it on blood loss induced delirium if he ever brought it up again, but she was talking.

"Peace? How does that give you peace?" He wanted to sound angry, but he only sounded scared.

"I just wanted one good day. One good day… and doing that helped me. It made me forget."

"So it makes you feel better?" He didn't understand. "Hurting yourself makes you feel better?"

"It makes me feel better. And I needed one good day. There were so many bad ones. I needed one good one; just one good day."

**Apparently, my not so busy time has been very busy. I apologize for my lack of timely updates, but I had very good reasons I'm sure no one really cares about. I truly appreciate the patience. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**Guests**** (1) Shelby finally knows. I guess what's left is whether she'll completely believe it and what she does to handle it. And you're right, she has no idea how to handle it, and while Casey seems to have it all figured out, she doesn't. She's instrumental in it all, but she's just wining it too; doing her best to hold it together for everyone else. I think Puck knows the most. He knows about the cutting, he has a pretty good idea about the eating disorder, and he knows about the baby. So can he help? I guess we'll find out. Rachel has been suffering, but the road to recovery is long and arduous and full of suffering too. (2)Yes, it has been over a year. I used to update once every week, but as the chapters got longer and I started up another story, I had to go every two weeks. I'm glad you find that reasonable. I'm sorry I'm killing you slowly with my lack of updates. I really do try to be timely; it's just not always in the cards. And, while I don't hate Finchel. I don't like them very much either. Elephant dong… ha-ha. (3) Sorry I didn't update as quickly as I should have. But I hope you still enjoy the story. It's a long update so that has to make up for something. And, if you miss it, it makes you want it more when it comes… Absence makes the heart grow fonder. **

**CarolineSC**** Intense chapters are a specialty of mine. I love the good side of Puck, the Noah side. So, Rachel isn't quite ready to let him all the way in, but that's not going to stop him. You'll see that he wants to be there and he'll be grieving the baby with her. He just wants to help her. And Shelby had to read the bits of journal, but she couldn't read it all. She realized she had to because even if she didn't want to, she needed to know. **

**Ajunebuga**** I try to be as realistic as I can, so thank you for saying that. I try to put myself completely in Rachel's shoes, or whichever character, when I write. It's not always great for me mentally, but it's important to get the readers to identify with them. And I'm glad you can identify with her, I just hope you don't struggle with the same things she does. It's a tough battle.**

**crayolakid0413**** That's a great compliment, thank you. I like to think my writing has improved over time and saying that each chapter is better than the last makes me feel great, so thanks again. As for Puck, he doesn't seem like the giving up kind of guy. Sometimes he knows when enough is enough, and he gives up on himself, but he doesn't seem to give up on others. So he wants to be there for Rachel, even more so after learning about the miscarriage. I liked the idea of Shelby and Casey knowing about, possibly, the worst most progressive portion of Rachel's issue, but still missing a big piece. It's all connected in some way so not knowing it all makes for better story. I have some good and not so good things planned. **

**sweetheart22**** Thank you. I love the angst too. I'm still not sure why, but even when it's not intentionally, my stories always end up angsty. Puck and Rachel are my favorite, so I have plenty in store for them. **

**kitaleigh**** I'm sorry I made you wait. If it makes it better, there's a lot of Puckleberry this chapter and I think he's taking over a role that needed filling in Rachel's life. Does that make it better? More Puck and Rachel… the handling of the situation. So much is coming up…**

**anonymous1397**** I'm happy you found this story and have enjoyed it so far. Writing this Rachel breaks my heart at times, but Puck is there for her now. Shelby will have her time eventually, hopefully. Casey is the most likely to get through to Shelby, but do you think Rachel will still trust her once she finds out they read the journal? But I do like Casey. I know most original characters aren't liked, but people seemed to respond to this one so I'll keep her around. So many people write Shelby and Rachel instantly bonding and forging right away. That wasn't realistic to me. In the midst of all her problems, I didn't see it in her heart to forgive someone who hurt and abandoned her so quickly. She isn't in the mind frame for much more than pretending to accept Shelby into her life. That's the extent of it. I also apologize for the wait, but hopefully it was worth it. **

**mysterywriter94**** Most people don't respond to the readers and I didn't for most of the story, but I learned it made the readers feel appreciated and since I appreciate the readers it was only fair they, (you) feel appreciated too. I have so much in store for this story, so I hope you continue to read and enjoy. **

**Wandering1**** Shelby did find out and she's going to want to help, but she has to fully accept it first and it will be an uphill battle. It's a process, but Shelby and Casey and Puck, and other characters will all be involved in it. **


	33. I Promise… Not

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

Chapter 33: I Promise… Not

"It makes me feel better. And I needed one good day. There were so many bad ones. I needed one good one; just one good day."

"And today was a good day? Because it was pretty sucky for me." His tone was indignant and angry. How could she believe hurting herself, and by doing so hurting those that cared for her, would make any day better? It was an inconceivable notion. He just couldn't understand it or her. This wasn't her. The real Rachel Berry was obnoxious in the best way. She told it like it was though she wasn't even aware of it. And sometimes she was rude, but it was rarely her intention. The real Berry was confident in her abilities, was strong and fierce and extremely outgoing; willing to fight for her place at the top. And maybe she was still that person, maybe under the mask she was, but the girl in his arms was a broken, shell of the Rachel he once knew. He wanted to be an ingredient in the glue that put her back together again.

"Sucky isn't a word Noah."

"Berry… Rachel… I'm trying to be serious here."

"I know." She didn't want serious. She wanted to pretend the day, week, month, the whole year, hadn't happened. She was uncomfortable with his concern. The amount she exposed herself and the words that just seemed to be pouring out of her mouth… It was pathetic. She was pathetic. That was neither the first nor last time she'd think that. But it was true. Puck was never supposed to know anything. No one was ever supposed to know. But he did. He knew about the cutting and there was no denying that. But she couldn't let him tell. And the more she spoke, the more he knew, and the more ammunition she gave him to ruin her life. She couldn't let that happen. She had to stop it before it could be anymore than an idea.

"Today wasn't a good day." It would've been great if he hadn't tried to help her she mused. She didn't need help. She didn't want help. She didn't deserve help even if she did want it. Beyond that, the point was there was no helping her. There was no help… "It wasn't a good day Rachel." His voice seemed sad and weighed down. He wasn't good at the emotional crap and he never knew what the right thing to do was. On occasion he'd figure it out, but the only crying girls he was around were his sister, whose problems were not getting ice cream or something else easily fixed, or vulnerable girls that he wanted to be with. Those problems were easy. Rachel's problems stretched far beyond his teenaged brain could comprehend. How could he help her if he didn't understand?

"Noah… Can we not talk about this? I don't want to talk about this." She whined.

"We have to talk about this. What you did…"

"What happened, happened Noah. It's over." She hoped her groveling was working. "Let's just let it go."

"Let it go?"

"Let's just forget this ever happened. I'll get the stitches out and then we'll put it behind us forever."

"How can I do that?"

"Just do it! I don't want to talk about this; not now, not ever."

"You said this helps you? Hurting yourself helps you?" He couldn't just let it go. At the very least, he needed a few answers and some reassurances.

"What?" How was she supposed to answer that? Nothing she could say would change what he knew, but she wasn't giving up. She still wanted to believe she could alter reality a little. She'd make him believe it was nothing. And to her, that was true. It was just another day in the life of stupid Rachel Berry.

"How? Tell me how it helps you. How can that possibly help you?"

"I don't know Noah. It doesn't." She lied. "I… I only did it a few times. I… I just got carried away."

He was susceptible to her lies because he so wanted it to be true; he so badly wanted her to be ok, for it to only be a few times like she claimed, and for all to be right again, but he wasn't yet convinced. "Yeah, I'd say. Nearly frickin' dying is more than 'a little carried away'. You could have died!" His voice was slightly raised.

"But I didn't die. I didn't die because of you, because you were there." And she couldn't decide whether she should be thankful or not. Truth was she wasn't. She tried to be, but she couldn't find it within herself to see it as a good thing. Why'd he help her? She didn't want him too. Things would've been better if he just let her bleed out; not that she actually thought that was going to happen.

"And what if I wasn't there? What then? Who would've helped you then? Would you have gone to Shelby? Would you have called Kurt? Would you have gotten any help at all?" No.

"Yes Noah, of course. I'm not stupid." Debatable. "I don't want to die." Well… also debatable. "I would have gotten help. I assure you." Lie; absolutely nothing to debate about that.

He held her tighter, pulling her as close to him as he could get her. It was like if he let go, it was all over; that he lost her. And he couldn't lose her. He didn't understand it; it was a feeling he only ever felt for his family. His ma, the brat, Beth… he felt it for all of them, but it was different with Rachel. He couldn't lose her, and he had a nagging feeling in his gut that it was a real possibility. He just didn't want to believe it because he couldn't. "You would have gotten help?" He asked again. He just needed to hear it once more.

"Yes, I would have."

"Ok." Yeah… Ok…

"You believe me right?" It was manipulation, she knew. It was something she would soon become acutely aware of, something she'd have to learn to be flawless at. It was something she inherently became good at over the previous year or so; that and lying. It all seemed to go hand in hand. In so many ways, she was grateful for it, though, she rarely realized she was doing it.

"Yeah Rachel. I believe you." It was unconvincing, even to himself, but Rachel believed him. She needed to hear that so she did.

"Thank you." She whispered into the darkness as she attempted to fall asleep. Her eyes were closed. The fragments of light from the night sky flittered through her room. Sleep hadn't come easily to her; not in some time, but she was exhausted. The day took its toll on her and with Noah there, even though she still couldn't understand why he stayed, she felt safe. She felt like she could sleep. There, in his arms, she was safe and sleep was obtainable. It was a welcomed feeling even if it was fleeting.

Well after midnight, in the wee hours of the morning, sun rays peeking through the slightly drawn blinds, the silence overwhelmed Puck. He spent an hour after Rachel fell asleep watching her. He was aware that, if anyone else was there, it appeared creepy, but he had to do it. It was a long day, and he was terrified she wasn't going to wake up if he stopped watching her. So he did. He watched. He looked for her breathing and checked her wrist every so often to make sure she didn't pop a stitch until finally, the day caught up with him too.

It wasn't unlike one of those all nighters he had to pull so he could pass a test by studying as long as he could; all very last minute, just so he kept eligibility for football. Like all those times, and they happened more than he cared to admit, he stayed awake until he couldn't keep his eyes open. And once he fell asleep, he didn't stay that way for long. Maybe he got a few solid hours, but that was it.

The sounds of birds chirping in the early morning air stirred him awake. It was more than that. It took more than a few chirps to wake him up from his heavy sleep, but the point was he was up. His eyes blinked as he took in his unfamiliar morning surroundings. He wasn't home. It wasn't his room. Rachel. Rachel's room. Yesterday. Blood. The cuts. Lots of blood. Everything he seemed forget in post sleep state was flooding back, made even more real when he found his arm was still holding Rachel, his hand protectively sprawled over her barren midsection. Their baby was there once. A part of him was living in there, but it was gone. It was gone and the other half of their creation was a mess.

The weight of it all was hitting him. The accumulation of the previous day's revelations was a lot. He lost a baby; another one only permanently that time, no visiting or meeting of any sorts ever. And he lost Rachel. That last thought wasn't final though. Maybe he didn't lose her. She wasn't physically gone and she wasn't completely changed. So there was still a chance she'd be her again. Right?

Then, though, that wasn't his main concern. She was asleep and alive. That was all he could really hope for at that very moment. On the other hand, he felt he lost something he never knew he had. With Beth, she wasn't physically his; not anymore. But, even so, he could always check on her. Shelby allowed him into his daughter's life in a more passive role, and that was enough simply because it was something. He knew she was loved and cared for and he would always be there. With this child, boy or girl, he would never get that. It was gone; permanently gone. Finally grasping that was like a stab in the chest. His baby was gone forever. He hadn't had the chance to think about it much since learning of the loss, but in the solitude of Rachel's bedroom, however ironic that may have been, the loss and the feelings and the sheer pain of it all was catching up to him. He was feeling it. He was grieving it; like he should. It just… It hurt. It hurt him to know that it was there and just like that it was gone. It hurt him to know that he'd never get the chance to see what would have been. Like Rachel, he was stuck thinking about the what ifs; thinking about the possibilities, the way it would have looked, boy or girl, hazel eyes or brown, dark hair or darker hair… he'd never know. They'd never know. It was just thought left to the imagination, a flip of a coin; all up in the air. Everything felt so uncertain. He felt uncertain about the future and even the present. Rachel sure as hell was uncertain. All he had to do was look at her to see that. And uncertainty wasn't a great feeling to have. It made matters worse that that was all he felt.

So he couldn't help himself. Rachel was sleeping and there was no way he could get back to sleep with all the thoughts in his head; more than he ever thought possible. He laid there allowing the thoughts to take over; a hand gently running over, caressing, Rachel's stomach like his kid was still there. He wanted it to still be there. He needed to make himself better and he needed to do it whatever way he could. Since Rachel was asleep, it was the only time he'd actually be able to say the things he needed and do what he wished he could have done. "I know you're not in there." He spoke to the home in which his child lived for merely weeks. "You're gone. I get that." He exhaled, keeping his emotions in check. Badasses didn't cry. "I wish you weren't. You would've been a girl I think." He pictured it in his head. "Perfect like your mama, a voice to die for, but a little bit of a trouble maker too. Knowing Rachel she'd probably want to name you Barbara… or Maria… And I'd try to tell her those were too ordinary for you. I mean Barbara? You wouldn't have been a hundred years old. It just wouldn't be badass enough for you. But you'd have been able to pull it off. You would've been awesome. My eyes, your mother's smile… Beautiful. I wish we got the chance to know you."

Rachel was awake at that point. She had been awake the moment he stirred in her bed. She felt his hand around her. She felt him rest it on her stomach. It took all that she had not to flinch. She loved his touch, the way it made her sexually fulfilled but she usually controlled it. And that touch was different. It was more intimate, less about the sex and more about the connection. That scared her. Not to mention, she didn't want him touching where she felt fattest. Her stomach was bloated and huge and she was disgusted with the thought of him feeling that, but she allowed it. She had to because she was _asleep_. When he started whispering, seeking to their unborn, deceased child, she just wanted to cry. She did, in fact, not able to keep the water works at bay. She gripped on to every word that came from his mouth, hoping and praying she could keep her composure. She would not make a sound. She would not flinch. She was asleep… She would stay that way… She'd listen, silently cry, and pretend to sleep.

"Rachel would've been great with you too. She would've loved you. And I would've loved you. We do love you. I don't know how big you were in there or if you were more alien than baby or even if you could've heard me. I'm not into all that biology crap." Rachel wanted to laugh; a moment of reprieve amongst the tears. "But Rachel would've known and even if you couldn't hear me, I would've talked to you just like I am now. Wherever you are, in heaven or wherever… I guess I should've paid more attention in temple… But wherever you are, I know you can hear me now." He exhaled again, loudly still just trying to keep some semblance of badass to his appearance. "Maybe you're all grown up there, like a little kid instead of the tiny start of a baby you were. Whatever… doesn't matter. It's just, we would've loved you. And… and even though you aren't here anymore and you won't ever be… we still love you." He believed that. He knew that. Whatever was going on with Rachel, he knew she felt that way too. "Hey, you would've had a big sister. I mean… I guess she'd kind of be your aunt… your sister aunt? She would've loved you too. So many people would've loved you. Just know that. Wherever you are, know you would've been loved. Look out for us ok? Look out for your mom, she's… well she's struggling and, um, she, she just needs you to look after her." He took a moment of silence. "We won't ever forget you." How could they? "Not ever." He couldn't help it anymore. In the manliest way possible, he let out a sob; just one, containing it so not to wake Rachel, and he cried. He let the tears go, slowly letting it lull him back to sleep. "Bye baby. Daddy loves you." He whispered just before the final sniffle and sleep overtook him.

Rachel, however, wasn't ready to go back to sleep. Hearing him talk like that, so honest and open, though he didn't know she was eavesdropping on such an intimate conversation… It broke her. And hearing him cry, not just seeing tears, but hearing him cry… That set her over the edge. She was freaking out. Her cries were less than silent; not too loud, but loud enough. He was so great and she just wasn't…

Their baby was gone. It wasn't coming back. She was empty and it was her fault. She deserved it. She deserved to suffer. She was an embarrassment and a loser and she didn't deserve anything as precious as that life would've been. And it was just Puck's bad luck for ever getting involved with her in the first place. Even knowing that, she felt the grief. She was grieving. No one ever really wants to be a teenage mom unless they're delusional, but when it happens the love is there. The mother instantly loves the child. And Rachel would've loved hers. But at the same time as learning about the pregnancy, she was learning about the demise as well. And she thought it before, she'd think it again, but she loved her kid. She would always love the life that was once inside her, and ready or not, she would've been there for it; for her since Noah thought it was a girl. And as twisted as it was, she was thankful that Puck was grieving too; that she had someone, just on this one occasion, who felt what she felt and grieved the loss only she knew. No one else would hurt because of it. No one else would feel the hole burn in their heart. That tissue… the collection of cells that was their baby was gone and no one but them would ever feel anything about that.

Everything just added to her sadness. She was sad. She was depressed. She was desperate for a fix, for the run of the cool blade against her burning flesh. She wanted that, but just this once, she needed to feel the pain of life the way it was meant to be felt. And she was doing that, not because she had to or wanted to, but because she knew leaving Puck right then to cut herself, to heal herself, was unfair. It was unfair to him because she shouldn't get a reprieve when he couldn't; especially not when it was her fault he was hurting. And, to top it off, she was embarrassed enough. Getting caught once was plenty. Getting caught again wasn't an option; there'd be too much shame to survive that.

She didn't know what time it was. She didn't care and she didn't bother looking. She simply laid there allowing Puck's hand to unconsciously thumb across her empty stomach; her empty stomach that was bloated with the food she was literally forced to eat, the food she tried really hard not to focus on though seemed to be a thought majority in her brain. There was no escaping her reality, not even when she tried and there were valiant efforts on her part. But no matter how she looked at it, what angle she approached it from, or what she thought she saw, all she was, was pathetic. She was a mess, she was a walking disaster, but mostly, she was a shame. Her actions were embarrassing. Everything about her from her looks to the scars on her body… everything was all so embarrassing. And as much as she tried to hide that, the more she felt it. She didn't understand how anyone could look at her, couldn't fathom how anyone could love her, and didn't believe anyone could ever want her. So the loss of her baby, possibly her only chance to ever experience that was gone, weighed on her just a little bit more.

And all that aside, she had been ignoring a big issue in her life because she was preoccupied and distracted by Puck and blood and getting stitched up by a stranger who kept looking at her with pity eyes that day that she couldn't escape those thoughts in the craziness and odd moments of the morning. She was dealing with everything else, so she figured she might as well focus on that too. Her journal was still missing. Her livelihood was AWOL. That was a problem.

She spent the next few hours, really just a block of an unknown amount of time, thinking, stuck in the prison of her mind. Her journal had the ability to destroy her, but at the same time, it was her saving grace. It had been an outlet for so long; a process she took part in since she was a little girl writing _Dear Diary, Noah pulled my hair on the playground._ And in her teen years, her present, it held deeper secrets; darker secrets, more significant tales of her life, but the purpose was still the same. It was a personal form of expression. Her journal was a place to let out what she couldn't physically bring herself to let out in song and didn't have enough room on her body to carve it out. And that solace was gone. It was missing and she had no idea how to deal with that. It was a constant burden every second it was away from her, threatening to blow whatever foundation she had in her life to a million tiny shreds.

Her life was in ruins without that threat looming over her head. Her own words, the things she wrote meant only to be read and shared in her own personal space, was floating about who knew where being read by who knew who… If that wasn't a catastrophic event, Rachel didn't know what was. And having that weigh on her along with everything else just felt like too much and all her vices were temporarily unavailable. With Puck there, she couldn't run down stars devour everything and purge it all away. Cutting was an option, but she really had to consider it. She did lose a lot of blood and doing that again was a serious risk. She would have to decide if dying was an option to really consider and the last shard of life she had in her made her think about that carefully. Not to mention, if it didn't kill her, having Puck find her all bloodied and opened wasn't something she ever wanted to relive. And the last thing she normally did, the sanest of her vices, just wasn't an option either for it had vanished. Her journal had vanished. What the hell was she supposed to do with herself when she had no means of release? She was lost and stuck with all the misery and nothing but time to think.

And think she did… All she did was think… Way too much thinking… And then she felt like crying again, but that was weak. She was weak. She wouldn't. She couldn't. It wasn't allowed. But there was just so much on her mind that she swore her internal voice could be heard from a mile away.

"What are you thinking about?" His voice startled her. He was supposed to be sleeping. She was supposed to be the only one awake. Not only that, but there were so many answers to that question that she just had to pull the most relevant. She thought of the one thing he reminded her of; the one thing she heard when he spoke… Their baby.

"I was scared to tell you about the baby." She said quietly, burying her head deeper in the pillow, not letting him see the tears that were falling once again. All she had been doing was crying and hurting. That seemed to be all she was capable of; hurting and crying, crying and hurting, rinse and repeat. It sucked, but it was a process to which she had become accustomed to.

"You were? Why?" He sat up in the bed enough to be leaning on his side, almost hovering over her.

"I didn't know I was pregnant and it was gone. I lost it. How was I supposed to tell you that? How was I supposed to tell you our baby was dead because of me?"

"It didn't die because of you. It didn't. The baby…" She wasn't going to let him try to sway her from the truth. She knew it was her fault. His lies weren't going to change that.

"That baby, _our_ baby, died because of me. It died because of me, because of my body… Because of me." She insisted.

"No, no it didn't. It just… It just happened. And it sucks. I know it sucks. But we can't change it."

"Would you?" She asked calmly. She was afraid of the answer, anticipating the worst; knowing that even if he took the noble road and said what he thought she wanted to hear, it wasn't the truth. He didn't know she heard him talk earlier. And she didn't know if it was an act. It affected her like everything did, but she needed to hear him say it to her; to tell her, when she was awake, that he really did want it… and maybe her too.

"Are you seriously asking me that?" Anger… That was anger right? Rachel wasn't sure. Well, she was sure, she just didn't really understand why. And hell yeah he was angry. It kind of felt like a Quinn situation all over again. He spent half the night imagining what could have been even though he knew it never would be and the other half worried about Rachel and whatever, and it felt like Rachel was throwing it back in his face. It was like Quinn calling him a Lima Loser and a deadbeat dad all over again. It wasn't right. "If I could change it Rachel," he started to speak through clenched teeth, hands balled into anger containing fists. He wasn't a deadbeat. Just like he wanted to do with Beth, he would've been the best dad he could and supported Rachel through everything. "If I could bring it back, you'd still be pregnant. Instead of lying here heartbroken and having this shit ass conversation…"

"Language Noah." She stood a few feet from him, curiously watching him as he paced, his face concentrating on her.

"Shut it Berry and listen."

"Oh… kay…" She was taken aback by his tone, she wouldn't lie, but it was what she had been asking for since he stopped by the house less than 24 hours earlier. She was finally getting the anger she wanted.

"You would still be pregnant and I'd be telling you all about how we were going to get through this and how we'd be bad ass parents. Then, instead of spending the day like a scene from asylum or some shit like that, I'd be talking to you about what came nest. We'd be talking about how disappointed my ma would be that this happened twice before I graduated high school; that her 18 year old son got a 16 year old girl…"

"I'll be 17 very shortly Noah. It's not my fault I was born a year later than the rest of you and my fathers wanted to push me to be the best so they enrolled me in school as soon as they could."

"Berry, you're missing the point."

"Then what's the point?"

"Point is, it doesn't matter how old we are, I wanted that kid. She would have been my second chance. She would've been everything we wanted. And it would've been scary. It was with Beth. And it would've been hard. And Shelby would've had my ass and my ma would've wanted to get me circumcised or castrated or whatever it's called when the doctors' neuter a guy."

"A vasectomy?"

"Whatever. She would've did that, but she would've been lit up with Jew pride because you're Jewish too. And she would've tried to help us out. And right now, instead of me trying to convince you that I would've wanted this baby and I would've been here for you, we would be trying to figure out how to tell our parents and how to not feel like life was over. And once we did that, we'd be great." All that was sweet and Rachel needed to hear it. Maybe one day she'd process it; really let herself hear it, possibly believe it, but, then, all she could think about was what he wasn't saying. She wanted to know how he didn't blame her. Even after everything, he didn't blame her. How?

"Why aren't you angry at me? Why aren't you yelling at me? Screaming that it was my fault?" She didn't understand it. How could she? As vain as it sounded, though it wasn't meant that way, the world's problems all seemed her fault. Global warming; her fault. World hunger; her fault. It was all her fault. So how was the death of a life she was an active participant in making, the passing of something she created, not her fault?

"Because it's not Rachel. It's not your fault. You didn't take drugs or drink the baby to death. You didn't get an abortion or anything like that… It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It just was. And I really wish you'd get that." He really needed her to get that because a part of him felt it was his fault too. They were quite a pair.

"It is my fault Noah. It's my fault."

"It's not." He insisted again.

"It is." She looked like she wanted to hit him again. He could see it in her eyes. She was fighting it, but he could see she was desperately fighting the breakdown. They were in this dangerous pattern of emotion and calm that made the storm that much worse.

"It's not." He practically whispered into her ear as she approached him. Her hands were ready to pounce again and he wouldn't allow that. He saw enough blood to last him a lifetime. "We're not doing this again." He said as he grabbed her arms, holding them so she couldn't hurt herself, so she didn't bleed. "Last time you opened a cut and nearly killed yourself. So we're not doing it again." But she didn't care. She never wanted to hurt him; just herself. He just happened to be a vessel to make that happen. "I'm just going to hold you."

She physically couldn't say anything. She just let him hold her, pinning her arms to her sides as she cried into his chest, until she settled a little and he was able to let her go. She moved her arms to wrap around him and he moved his hands so one was keeping her close and the other was running through her thinned hair. Thankfully it was all blood free and his fresh shirt wouldn't be ruined; not that that was really the biggest thing on his mind.

Looking at the clock for the first time, he realized how late in the morning it was getting. They had school. Stupid school. Leaning down so his mouth was near her ear, he said, "Promise me you'll stop. Promise me you won't hurt yourself anymore."

"Noah I didn't…" She leaned back so they were face to face, inches from their face touching like they were about to kiss, though they weren't. She couldn't break his hold though, and she didn't know if she wanted to.

"You did. It's ok." Embarrassment colored her cheeks. "Well, it's not, but I get it. Or I don't but… Just promise me."

"I promise I won't hurt myself." In her mind, that promise would hold true because, to her, the cutting and everything else wasn't hurting her. It made her feel better; feel good. How could that possibly be hurting herself?

"You need to stop." His voice was firm. If he wasn't trying to whisper, Rachel was sure it would've been yelled at her. She almost preferred it if it were.

"I already promised I would Noah." She sighed. What more did he want? Did he not believe her?

"We have to get ready for school."

"Oh." She was almost relieved he was leaving. "Are you going to go? If you leave now, you could probably use the front door without Shelby noticing."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"What about school Noah? You're wearing dirty clothes. You didn't get the chance to shower last night."

"No one saw me in these clothes but you. I got it from the car before I snuck in and I only wore it to bed, and I washed up when I made your bath. It's like I had my own sponge bath, but I could always shower here. Right?"

"Wouldn't you rather do it at your own home?"

"No. I'm not leaving Rach. I texted ma. She thinks I spent the night hat Finn's. My school crap's at school. Everything's set. Once I shower and you're ready, I'm going to hop out that window, head to my car, and come pick you up to drive you to school."

"People will see us together." She was self-conscious. She didn't want to ruin his rep. She knew what it meant to him.

"It's cool Berry."

"What about breakfast?"

"Doesn't Shelby feed you?" It didn't look like it, but he assumed she did.

"Of course she does."

"Then grab double and if you can't, I'll steal some when we get to school. No big."

"Stealing is a crime."

Rolling his eyes he responded, "Do what you got to do Berry. We don't want Shelby coming in here."

Needless to say, explaining to Shelby what she was doing with so much food was both embarrassing because she looked like a gluttonous pig and annoying because it was coming from a woman who constantly had something to say about her food consumption. But she managed it. She got enough to feed an army and made sure to take her time so it seemed like she ate while she was down there. And, somehow, her long sleeves managed to fully cover the bandage and she got no questions. That was good because she was a little disoriented and too tired to make her lies believable.

As she dressed and readied for school, understanding that a morning run or walking to school were two unfeasible options, Noah showered. Walking out of the bathroom all manly in his post shower glow made her yearn for him in a way so different than before, but it was a feeling she didn't know how to welcome. And sometime during her stare fest, Noah started talking to her.

"What?" She asked.

"Are you ready to go? I know how you are about being on time and crap. I hate it, but you like it."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready."

"Good." He said and moved to the window. "I'll honk when I get out front."

She nodded as he made his leave. It was time to go back to school. And she was petrified of facing the real world. There was Quinn and Santana and classes with Shelby and glee and Sue and so many complications…

Back to school…

**After the next chapter or two, things will be moving along much faster. There was just so much I wanted to happen in this short amount of time that it consumed a good chunk of chapters. This chapter was actually supposed to have more content, but I feel the Noah/Rach stuff was an important step. Puckleberry is a natural progression… Romance is not the man plot, but it's part of life and it's part of this story. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**Guests**** Fires are traumatic, but I am ok. My family is ok. We're all dealing. For the one reviewer who said I've had a sucky year, I'm inclined to agree. Since I've started writing this story, two family members lost homes and things that were important to them. I've had family die. I've been sick. I've ended up in the hospital… So yeah, my year sucked. But I know it could've been worse so I'm really trying to look on the bright side. I've lost things, people I love lost things, but in the end, we're all still here and that's what's important. Thank you all for reading this story, and enjoy this update.**

**CarolineSC**** Puck has his moments too, but I definitely feel like he is a separate entity from Noah. One's real and one's an image. I like the guy behind the façade; and let's be honest, what girl could resist Mark's face… I think this chapter was a major stepping stone for them too. Not so much for Rachel, but for them as a couple, rather, a unit… and thank you for having my family in your thoughts. We are extremely fortunate to have only suffered material damage. **

**gleeluver101**** I updated! I know it was a wait, but it's here now and you can know what happens. Thanks for reading. **

**Tearrer**** I honestly don't think Shelby has the strength or courage to force Rachel to get that kind of help, at least not at this point, but that's what Casey is there for. That's her role. Her opening up at this point is more out of necessity than actually allowing someone in. She just let it out. And it's more than her being saved or caught. It's the process. People can try, but she has to admit there is a problem. Casey will have her moment too. She and Shelby are still trying to understand their place in Rachel's life; their limits and things like that. Not a lot of time has passed in the last few chapters and it's annoying (to me) because I need to get beyond it to move onto the good stuff, but I promise, I have a big explosion (or two) coming up. Just be patient with me. And thanks Dana, for reviewing. I'm not greedy, I don't need constant comments from everyone, but it is very nice to hear what people have to say and I' glad that my story has kept you engaged. **

**adilamgp**** Everyone was doing well. Thank you for the concern. And I will always try to keep you informed. I have a very OCD personality and I like to be punctual, so if I know that I'm going to take a long time, I will always try to check in with the readers. **

**Ajunebuga**** It's ok to be a little selfish every now and again, and who am I not to enable that. It's a little later than I said it'd be, but the update has arrived!**

**BT**** It is amazingly sad to know that there are people out there suffering like this; some worse off than Rachel, some dying, but, thankfully, there are some out there surviving. And it breaks my heart too because this situation is so real to me and to people I know. It's a hard thing to deal with, and, in so many ways, it's just as hard on those who have to suffer alongside the one with this disease. I think that's why I wanted to tell this story; because it is real. It does affect people and I needed to tell it realistically. I'm glad you feel I have accomplished that. **

**stephlorhaze ****I'm sorry you had to experience any part of this disease. It's not something I would wish on anyone. I hope this story; this struggle does connect with people out there and if they are struggling, that they find some comfort in knowing they are not alone. If this story helps them, then I've done something to be proud of. So many people write stories about this topic and include such an easy fix when in reality, it's a lifelong battle. Even well after recovery and treatment, the thoughts are still there. I wanted this to be as close to reality as fiction would allow. This story is important to me. The content is important to me. And as odd as this may sound because you don't know me and I don't know you, I'm proud of you for getting help. That makes you strong. It makes you a survivor…. Fires are devastating, but it could have been so much worse. I am terribly grateful that everyone was safe and there were a few salvageable items. Thank you so much for this review. The more personal ones mean so much to me.**

**delkis . gonzalez**** Real life does happen. Thank you for being understanding and patient. I hope you enjoy the update. **


	34. Back To School

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

Chapter 34: Back To School

"Did you think about what you want to say to her?" Casey asked as she sipped her coffee.

"There's a lot I want to say to her. There are so many questions I want to ask. I just don't know where to start. How do I ask her if she's bulimic or go about saying, in a way that wouldn't scare her off, that she needs to put on some weight? I can't come right out and ask her. She'd deny it and I just might believe her." Shelby rubbed at her eyes. The day barely even begun and she was wishing it was over.

"Did you sleep last night? You look like crap."

"Thanks Casey, you look like a supermodel."

"Shel…"

"No, I didn't sleep; not much. I kept listening to see if I heard her. I didn't want her to sneak out. And I swear, I heard her pacing and I thought I heard her talking to someone. I think I might be going crazy."

"I think you're finally starting to see that this needs your attention and you're trying." Besides that, she heard the pacing too.

"I am trying."

"I know." Maybe it should've happened sooner and she was disappointed it took her intervention for Shelby to see the signs, but at least they were starting somewhere. They were no longer at ground zero. They were gathering materials to start rebuilding. "But what are you going to do?"

"Well, mom gave some good advice, so I'll try to do that. I've been putting it off because I didn't think it was necessary, but, after her last physical, her doctor recommended a nutritionist if she hadn't gained any weight."

"She didn't right? I can't imagine her being tinier than she is now."

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't. It sounds bad, I know, but I'm not sure." She shakes her head as she looks away from her sister. She didn't need to see her eyes to know they were disapproving. "I've been going over everything. I've been trying to see what I missed. I've been looking for anything to tell me that we're all crazy and there's nothing to worry about…" She trailed off. Why couldn't she find that, find nothing?

"And? What did you find?"

"I found what an incompetent guardian I've been." True. She had been incompetent. She was the first to admit it. Her baby was grown up. She didn't need Shelby to be her mother. That was what she thought. She saw, though, just how much she really was needed.

"Shelby…" She searched for the right words. They were in there somewhere, but, on some level, she had to agree. Her sister had been a little incompetent.

"No, no don't. You and I both know it's true. I missed so many things and I don't know how I did. She used to wear these ridiculous little animal sweaters." She stated like that was supposed to mean something to Casey.

"Animal sweaters?"

"Yeah, they looked like they were made for an overgrown toddler, like something mom would send and I'd be forced to dress Beth in when she came for a visit, but that was what she wore. Animal sweaters, skirts, and knee high socks."

"I haven't seen her wear that."

"And you probably won't. The last time I saw her wear something other than jeans and sweaters was at her competition. Other than that and her dance classes, that's all she wears now."

"She looked tiny in that glee dress." Casey said matter of fact-ly.

"I had to take it in a lot at the final fitting." She admitted. "I thought I made a mistake with the first measurements. Now I'm starting to think she just lost way too much weight way too quickly."

"I don't doubt that." Casey said before a thoughtful gaze took over. The things she was imagining weren't pretty. "I'm trying to imagine Rachel in a leotard. Those don't leave much to the imagination. If she's this thin in her normal clothes, what does she look like in that?"

"Honestly," Casey nodded as Shelby took a minute to think about it, "I wouldn't know. I don't know."

"How could you not know?"

"She had a fit the last time I went to watch her dance and only once did I dare walk into her solo rehearsal, and then I was more focused on all the blood."

"Blood?"

"I scared her. She fell and cut herself. I tried to help her. Then she basically told me to leave her alone. I don't think it was anything serious. I don't know. The details are all fuzzy. Point is, I was a little more focused on making sure she was ok than how small her waist was."

"Well, now it's time to focus on that."

"I need to find a way to get her to open up to me…" Shelby may have said that aloud, but it was more a thought meant for herself.

"Speaking of finding a way… I think I know how to get her, her journal back without her ever knowing we had it."The sneaky little smirk on her face made Shelby worry. Casey was conspiring and that was never good. Shelby usually took the fall in one of her sister's plans.

"How?" Shelby leaned in for the answer. She needed to hear something good and if they could get away with their breach of privacy, it was a point in their favor. She'd worry about the possible fallout later.

"Well, I think I could…" She trailed off as they heard shuffling feet enter the kitchen. They watched curiously as Rachel obliviously made her way to the counter, grabbed a bowl, made some cereal, cereal Shelby knew she didn't eat, pored some of her soy milk, grabbed some fruit, picked up a few bags of various snacks, and, finally, a yogurt. It seemed like a lot of food for someone with her presumed issues.

"Rachel…" The voice scared her. How did she miss them? "Honey, what are you doing with all that food?"

"Um, I…" She made sure her arm was covered and looked around nervously. She must've looked like a fat pig looking for anything and everything to stuff her fat face with. "Eating it?" That was the wrong thing to say or the wrong way to say it; maybe both.

"All of it?"

"I…" None of it. "I am getting a ride from a friend today. They needed my help on an assignment and asked if I'd help. So, I… uh… I'm getting a ride early. I needed breakfast." She lifted the bowl. "And I thought I'd take some of this for lunch. That's ok, right?" She was begging for the excuse to work, her wide eyes pleading.

"Sure Rachel." She went back to her scavenging."Why don't you sit down and eat?" Shelby needed to see her actually put the food in her mouth, chew, swallow, and keep it down. "Standing up and rushing around isn't the right way to eat."

"I… I can't." Excuses Rachel. "My ride will be here shortly, I have to finish getting ready." She attempted to leave again.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah?" She turned to face her mother.

"Who's coming to pick you up?" Honesty or not? Puck, though Shelby had come around to him, wasn't a good option. To Shelby, he'd always be the delinquent whose irresponsibility led to her getting her daughter. So, the truth was ruled out. But she'd know it wasn't Kurt.

"Finn…" She lied. While sometimes a jerk to her, he seemed the good honest boy to most parents. He was the one that parents wanted to see their daughter with. Puck was the one the daughter wanted to be with.

"Ok." Shelby responded. She didn't like the idea of her daughter with boys, but it was doofy, giant Finn. What harm could he really do?

Rachel left as fast as she could, mortified by something that wouldn't affect any normal person, and though she did a good job hiding it, Shelby picked up on it; picked up on something at least. She sighed and looked to Casey with serious eyes. "Do you think she's actually going to eat it?"

"Do you?" Casey asked. It wasn't a question that needed answering; not verbally at least… "Yeah, that's what I thought too."

"What am I going to do?"

"We've been over this, but right now, you're going to go upstairs, get ready for work, look for that number her doctor gave you, and make that call. She needs that. Getting her there would be the first step. The second would be explaining why. I'm going to spend the day with my niece as I do a little house hunting and figure out exactly how to get this back into Rachel's hands." She pulled out the journal.

"You really have to stop pulling that out of thin air. She just might catch you, and I will let her put all the blame on you."

"Aw, come on Shelbs. You don't want your daughter to hate you?" She joked, of course, but a part of Shelby really felt that Rachel did and would hate her no matter what. But she played along, starting a mini food fight with her sister, bringing a little lightness to the calm before the storm.

But, while they were having their fun, Rachel was living in one big, continuous mind game.

Going back to school felt a little surreal. There was something in the air. Something just felt… different… Rachel couldn't explain it, and she wasn't sure if the different was good or bad, but she had this odd sensation in her stomach. There was just something in the air; a shift of sorts…

Walking through the McKinley halls, her slightly damp shoes squishing against the linoleum, she almost felt free. But it wasn't a good free. It was the high before the crash kind of feeling. Or maybe it wasn't… She didn't know. She just felt like she floated through the day. She was there, but she wasn't really there. She was just a broken piece in an otherwise functioning machine.

After English with Shelby, her day truly began. Her teacher yelled at her, almost all of them did, or they scolded her because teachers didn't yell at their star pupil; they just explained how disappointed they were when something they didn't like happened to happen. And she just so happened to forget four of her five assignments that were due that day. She meant to do them. She did. But somewhere along the way, school work and grades just seemed so far from relevant. Everything else seemed so much more important. Like her dead baby… Nearly bleeding to death; Puck's claim, not hers… It all just piled up and she, honestly, didn't care about the rest.

Her grades were the one thing she was still good at. Surely not caring about that wasn't a good sign. But what was there to care about? They would just fail her too. She was just saving herself from the inevitable. The first bad grade, she overcame. Her average remained unaffected, but she knew it would happen again. Well, she didn't know, but she did know her best just wasn't good enough and that would be what caused her to fail anyway. So why waste the time trying? Her focuses were better set elsewhere… Maybe… Though she needed to at least try. But try at what? For what? What was the point of anything?

Each class was more of the same. Teachers collected the vacation work. Teachers explained that the behavior was so unlike her and that they didn't want to see it happen again. Whatever. She barely heard a word of it. Puck kept checking on her too. In a way, it was sweet. In another, it was annoying. If she wanted to be dead, she would've been. So what was the point of checking on her? What would that change? But still, he did it. Maybe he didn't see the hopelessness she was living or the dark space that followed her. Or, maybe he was scared to death that she'd try something again. And the idea had crossed her mind. But how would he know that? But still, the thought was always there.

She wouldn't… She couldn't; not with him always around. Not that she didn't want him around. She did. She kind of liked it, but it also made her feel a little confined. They were hours into the day and she was tired and stuck. Her escapes were limited, and she couldn't even sneak off into the bathroom without someone there to follow. It felt like the Santana brigade 2.0. She didn't need body guards and watch dogs. She was perfectly fine all on her own just like she had been for years.

And speaking of Santana, she was another problem. She seemed to be lurking too; watching her, waiting for her, trying to get her alone. It was like she knew, knew more than she hinted at knowing just a week ago. There was a look on her face. Someone said something. Was it Quinn? Was it Puck? She didn't know which truth from which person would hurt her more if it got out. She'd either be branded the pitiful slut or the resident crazy slut because there were still lingering _talk_ about her last pregnancy rumor courtesy of Quinn. Either way, she didn't want her secrets out there. She was embarrassed enough to just be her. The thought of more people knowing the ugly truth made her physically sick.

Just thinking about the possibilities made her head pound even worse. Forget school, she wasn't focusing in the least. Everything just seemed to pass her by and it didn't bother her. The names and insults, even the first slushie in a while didn't bother her; not in the way it normally would. All it did was make her stitches itchy and her clothes wet. Nothing else… She was completely shut off. She had to be. She had to keep everything away until she was alone again or she'd lose it. She needed a toilet, some food, and a little alone time. But that was a commodity she wasn't allowed and it sucked.

Everything sucked… all the time… She didn't know why she suspected or hoped for any different. It all just sucked. Every moment of everyday just compounded the bad feelings. And the few good times, the few good things she had were darkened by her. Everything she touched just broke. She was broken. Everything was broken. The cloud above was just creating a rain only for her. A cold rain… An icy, cold rain that caused more ailments than she could afford to care for. Why?

And her journal… What was she going to do about that? While she was at school, Casey could've been looking around. What if she found it? What if she read it? Oh god! She was on the verge of hyperventilating. What if she found it? She already knew too much and if she found it, she'd read it. And she actually liked Casey, related to her on some level, but that would change if she was privy to the darkness of Rachel's mind.

"Rachel." She'd read it and she'd know. "Rachel…" She'd know everything and then Shelby would know and then the world would come to an end. "Rachel!" Her life would be more over than it already was.

Completely over… "Quinn?" When did she get there? Where was she?

"Rachel, are you ok?"

"I'm fine Quinn. What do you want?" Her tone was icy.

"You just walked out of class. The teacher asked me to find you and make sure you were ok." She did that? When did she do that? Did she at least bring her stuff? Was Quinn even in that class? What class was she even in?

"Well, I'm fine." She looked around. "I… I just had to… pee?" At least she knew where her mind was. She wanted it so bad she made it happen. She wandered to a bathroom; of course…

"I've been trying to talk to you all day." She said quietly. It didn't surprise Rachel though. She saw her.

Twice since the day began she caught Quinn staring at her. Both times it seemed like she was going to go to Rachel, to try and talk to her, and both times, Rachel scattered. She would not be dealing with that if she could help it. But there they were; alone in a bathroom. How redundant… How very them…

"Is that my bag?" Rachel motioned to the shoulder strap.

"Yeah. There's only a few minutes of class left and then glee." The day was already over? "I figured you wouldn't want to go back. Here." Quinn held it out to her.

"Thanks." Was there a way out of there other than the door Quinn was blocking? Rachel looked around but found no exit. "I… uh… I should go." She never stuttered so much in her life, but that day it seemed that was all she could do.

"Wait Rachel." Quinn tried to get her to stop, and, against her better judgment, she stopped just short of the door to face the blonde. Why, she wasn't sure. Maybe she was a masochist. Maybe she just wanted to face the ridicule head on, knowing it was going to happen, rather than wait for the unsuspecting moment where Quinn pounced.

"Do you need something Quinn?" She said as politely as possible; almost sickeningly so.

"Can…" She didn't know how to be nice to the girl before her. Feeling the compassion and sympathy for Rachel was new. It was all so new and uncharted. "Can we just talk for a second? We have a few minutes before the bell."

"What is there for us to discuss?" She said it a little hostilely. If Quinn was being civil, she suspected trouble was coming her way.

"I just wanted to say… I wanted you to know that…" She released a heavy breath. "I'm sorry."

It took all she had not to snort. Quinn Fabray, tormentor and insult extraordinaire, was apologizing. That was something for the books. "You're sorry?" She nodded. "For what?"

"I'm sorry I spread that rumor about you."

It was laughable. "You mean the rumor that ended up being true?" It wasn't true at the time, but Rachel made it happen. It sure became a reality more twisted than Quinn imagined.

"Rachel…" She looked away feeling a little guilty. She wasn't supposed to feel that way.

"Of all the things to apologize for; the slushies, the incessant bullying and name calling, the torture that has been raining down on me from day one… That's what you apologize for? You apologize for the one thing that you said that ever became true?"

"I didn't… I just… I'm sorry Rachel."

"That's wonderful. Thank you Quinn. Apology accepted. I'll see you in glee." She didn't care. Apologizing wouldn't make up for the scars on her body; more so the mental ones no one would ever see. She just didn't see the point of dragging it out either.

"Rachel please. Just hear me out."

Huffing, almost a glutton for punishment, Rachel stayed. "What now Quinn?"

"I thought about calling you ever since…" She met Rachel's eyes. She didn't need to say I for them both to know exactly what she was talking about. "But I didn't know what to say. And then I thought about driving by, but Shelby would've been there and… and I wasn't ready to see Beth again." She didn't know why she felt the need to say these things, but she had to. "But I wanted to make sure you are alright."

"I'm perfectly fine Quinn. Thank you for your concern."

"You're not fine Rachel."

"How would you know?"

"Because, because I've been pregnant before and I can't imagine…"

"No Quinn, you can't imagine because Beth is alive and happy and loved and not dead. So you can't imagine. And neither can I because we both agreed never to talk about this again. It didn't happen. It will never come up again. I am dealing. I am fine. Everything's fine." A feeling of a heavy finality took over. They both knew the conversation needed to end soon or one of them would take it too far.

"Ok Rachel." She conceded. "Did you… Did you at least tell him?"

"Tell who?"

"Finn." Finn? Wow…

"Why would I tell Finn anything?"

"It was his baby, wasn't it?" Always jumping to conclusions.

"Even if it was, I don't see how that is any of your business. And, as far as you should be concerned, there was never any baby for me to tell him about. I'd very much appreciate it if this were the last time we spoke of this."

"Rachel." She stopped her again.

"What Quinn?"

"I know it's not worth much now, but I'm sorry about the baby… and everything." She just needed to get that out whether Rachel accepted the apology or not, it needed to be said.

"I'm sure you are Quinn. I'll see you in glee. I must go to my locker first."

Quinn gave up trying to get Rachel to open up. The tiny brunette had been on her mind since everything happened. They were never friends; that was obvious. But the situation changed. They didn't have to like each other to have sympathy for the other. Quinn just felt bad. Even as her fathers died, she didn't let up. The name calling and bullying never stopped. But being there with her, witnessing her losing her baby stirred something in Quinn that she couldn't explain. She wasn't a mother; not really, but she could understand that loss. In some ways, she could relate to Rachel, and that made her sorry for every bad thing she had done.

They were all in a teenage wasteland. Maybe they didn't have to waste more time making each other miserable all of the time. There could be a balance, or she could, at least, attempt to be a little less mean. Obviously, Rachel was going through some stuff and, in her own way, Rachel was always there for support when Quinn was having problems. So, maybe it was her turn to be the better person. Or, she'd try because she honestly didn't know if she was capable.

Until she figured that out, she just had to let Rachel be. She got to say she was sorry and she attempted to be there when it happened. That had to be some sort of penance. If it wasn't, it sure as hell should've been because it was more effort than she put into people she didn't like without anything in return. It was so much easier to just be the bitch all the time. Caring sucked.

Glee sucked too; for Rachel. Puck sat so close to her she felt confined. Quinn kept looking to her like she was waiting for Rachel to break into a million pieces. Something, Rachel would not let happen… Santana was giving her the "we gots to talk now" look. Agh! All she wanted to do was run. She had so much to run from. She didn't need to have to watch her back more than she already did… Continuously running, afraid, alone… It wasn't right. Nothing was right.

Then again, when was it ever? Her life hasn't been anywhere near the realm of right for a very long time.

"Ok guys, I think I've come up with some great set list ideas for Nationals." He pointed to the board; his one word usual. _Nationals_. "But I also want your input. So that's the assignment this week. In groups of three, come up with one solo, one duet, and one group number. You'll perform the group number for everyone."

"Great." Rachel thought. "Just great."

"Not so fast." Schue said, effectively stopping the kids' self separation. "Shelby and I agreed that we'd pick the groups randomly." There was a collective "Aw." No one wanted them to pick. It should've been their choice. But they were all pretty close, most of them, so it didn't really matter. "Brittany, Quinn, Puck. You're together." He went on until there were only three names left. "That leaves Kurt, Santana, and Rachel. Have fun guys, but try to take this seriously. The competition's stiff this year and Vocal Adrenaline has a new coach so they're getting their act together. If we want to win, we really have to work for it."

"Who's the new coach?" Someone asked.

"Jesse took over after I refused to return." Shelby stepped in to answer.

"Oh hell to the no. Is that what he was talking to you about Diva?" Why did that name sound like such an insult when it came from Mercedes?

"When did you see Jesse?" The questions came from everywhere.

"He was trying to get you to switch teams. Wasn't he?" Finn asked. "And you were going to. I can't believe you Rachel. How could you do this to us?" She didn't do anything to them. If she did, she wouldn't have been there. Did she need to justify the accusation with a response?

"Rachel, is this true?" Mr. Schuester asked, almost accusingly. Why did no one ever believe there was good in her? Even Shelby looked like she only saw the worst. She believed them and Rachel didn't expect anything else. She was always left to defend herself.

"Guys, leave her alone." Santana said, surprising everyone.

"St. Jackass is a douche, but that doesn't mean Rachel did anything wrong." Puck too? Was she in some kind of parallel universe?

"Rachel? Do you have anything to say?" Shelby asked. In reality, she was trying to keep the peace, trying to get her daughter out of the eyes of scrutiny everyone so willingly seemed to throw her way, but to Rachel, it just seemed like another person in her opponent's corner.

"Not that it is any of your business, but yes, I did happen to cross paths with Jesse at our Regionals performance. We discussed a few things, none of which are worth repeating or of any value to any of you, and we went our separate ways." That was all that happened, right? Sure he tried to get her to go to Carmel and switch schools, but there was still a twisted sense of loyalty there; not loyalty to him, but loyalty to her team and just repeating his offer would make her look like more of a betrayer than she already did. "That was the extent of our conversation. I don't understand why you are all so quick to jump to conclusions. We did date once; perhaps he wished to rekindle our romantic past."

"Is that what he wanted?"

"Why are we discussing this? Shouldn't we be in our groups, focusing on figuring out the best way to beat Jesse and his band of merry robots at Nationals?"

"Rachel's right. Everybody, get to work. But if he tries to sway you again Rachel, please let us know."

"Sure Mr. Schue. I'll be certain to do that." Or not… What did it matter? She wouldn't be accepted wherever she went. So why not stay in the familiar sucky environment? No need to start over and ridiculed by a whole new set of people. No, that just seemed more pathetic.

Mr. Schue looked between her and Shelby in concern. It wasn't concern for Rachel's wellbeing. A majority of the time, she was nothing but his talent source, and she doubted she was even that anymore, but concern that he might be losing that. That was how she saw it. Though, really, he was just being himself, oblivious to the pain everyone's questioning always caused her, but worried about her being subjected to Jesse. Sometimes he found her annoying and overwhelmingly controlling, but, deep down, he cared for her like all his students and respected her more because of the talent she had and the effort she put forth. He wasn't a bad guy, just a little misguided sometimes. He just didn't know how to handle Rachel's delicate sensibilities, but even he could see she lacked some of her normal shine. He just didn't know why.

But Rachel did, and, much to her dismay, so many others knew something too. She didn't like that at all. Everyone knew something and the rest jumped to conclusions. One was worse than the other, but she wasn't sure which was which. Theories were just that; unproven ideas. Knowing implied some fact. But was the truth uglier than the fiction? Maybe… But the fiction was equally as hurtful to her.

"Hello Diva, any ideas?" Kurt pulled her from her thoughts as he happily took a seat next to her. She could see Santana making her way over.

"So, short stack, I was trying to talk with you all day."

"You were?" Kurt asked her surprised. What did Santana want with Rachel?

"There's some stuff that needs talking Man… Rachel." Kurt couldn't help but think things just kept getting weirder and weirder. Not only was Rachel not really talking to anyone, almost to the point of ignoring people which wasn't what the attention starved diva did, but Santana and Puck were looking out for her. An enemy was searching her out. Something was most definitely up, but she wouldn't tell him. Come to think of it, she had barely talked to him. She didn't call all the time like she used to. Sure, they went out on Wednesday, but she up and disappeared and ignored him since. A part of him blamed himself. He immersed himself in Blaine and the new relationship and he was ignoring her friendly duties, but she had been distant for a while. He really needed to pay more attention to what was going on around him.

"Kurt, did you have any ideas for our assignment." She ignored Santana. She didn't have it in her to deal with that in any way. She just wanted to continue floating.

His ideas started flowing out and Rachel diligently listened. All the while, Santana just stared at her. The Latina didn't like being swept aside, but she understood the need for privacy. Obviously, Rachel didn't want to let Kurt in more than he already was. She could handle that, but the moment they were alone, the moment Rachel made a move to leave, she'd be on her like a new best friend. There were things she wanted to say, things she had been trying to say each and every time she tried to get a hold of her during the break, and even more things after her conversation with Puck that morning. If Mr. Badass himself was that worried about her, there were definitely a few more secrets for Santana to crack. And she was determined to do that.

They actually came up with a few good ideas courtesy of Santana. With Rachel's idea that maybe they do one original song, they thought their set list might have a chance. Rachel, however, wasn't holding her breath. Nothing she had done as of late had been good enough. The set list would be no different; even with others' input, it wouldn't be enough. They had a week's time to make it perfect, something she strived for and would push the rest to.

The minutes seemed to pass slowly once they came up with their songs. There was some idle chit chat, some feigned interest on Rachel's part, and a few head nods shared. But Rachel's mind had been elsewhere. It had been all day and would be for a while. Her mind was just in another place. Nothing mattered but what she couldn't do or what she wasn't doing right. All that mattered was that she hadn't cut in over twenty four hours and she ate real food the previous day, was forced to keep it down, and didn't get any exercise in. Granted, it was just a few bites, nibbles even, of relatively healthy food, but that didn't matter. What did matter was the withdrawal and need she was feeling and the yearning she had. She didn't know how much longer she could withhold.

She was at the point where she didn't think she could stop even if she wanted to. And she didn't want to so that wasn't a problem, but the people who knew did. She realized she needed to do better. She hadn't done a very good job with the whole normal thing and it was causing problems. But, right then, the most immediate problem was the need; the driving need to just screw the consequences and just do it. God, did she want to… She really, really wanted to.

The time was gone though, just as Rachel was about to make a run for the bathroom and give into temptation, and glee was over. It would have to wait, though she was counting down the minutes. "So, we'll work in the auditorium tomorrow?"

"Works for me. What about you Rach?" Kurt asked her.

"Sure. That's fine. As long as I am out of here in time for my dance class, we can work on it."

"Oh, you never told me how that turned out. Did you get a good spot?" Though she didn't feel she deserved it, Rachel eagerly shared her role in the recital. He was genuinely happy for her, sharing in the joy she was pretending to exude. She didn't deserve it and she'd fail miserably on that stage. She didn't know how to be happy about that. It was great, but she was undeserving, and knowing she was going to make a fool of herself wasn't cause for celebration. Again, she had to work on faking it, but she seemed to be covering her tracks well.

The tick of her leg bouncing and her constant finger movement was barely noticeable. It was a point in her favor, but the yearning was getting stronger. She liked talking with Kurt. She liked feeling the normalcy of having friends, but she wanted out. She needed her comfort food and her bathroom and her favorite razor. That wasn't too much to ask for. Why couldn't she have it?

Thinking about it, she tuned out the last half of the conversation she was supposed to be a part of. Without realizing it, she bobbed her head along as she stared out with a blank face, but it looked like she was participating enough to keep them from realizing. Except, Santana was still staring. She was still looking at her with laser focus and Snix eyes. If she didn't get a fix, Rachel couldn't even begin to handle that. All she wanted to do was go to dance, work and sweat her little butt off, then go back to Shelby's and search one last time for her journal before the panic took over.

"Rachel, are you listening?"

"I'm sorry? What was it that you said?" She wasn't listening; not even a little. "Where'd Kurt go?" He just vanished, as did a majority of the club. Besides the two of them, all that were left was Shelby and Will who were talking on the opposite side of the room, Artie, and Brittany who was waiting for Santana.

"He left a few minutes ago. Listen up. Something's going on and I want to know what's what."

"Whatever do you mean Santana? I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know you do. Puckerman had these sad eyes and was going on about how we couldn't leave you alone. He wanted me to have my Cheerio minions follow you. I don't know what's going on, but I gots to. So spill."

"Santana, I can assure you that there is nothing going on. I think Noah was just being a little dramatic. Maybe he took a page from my book and learned a few acting skills. He's quite talented naturally, but I'm sure you're aware of that."

"Is that some sort of innuendo RuPaul?"

"Excuse me? What type of innuendo would you be talking about?"

"Don't play dumb with me…"

"Rachel?" Shelby's voice cut Santana off and Rachel suddenly found herself in her mother's debt; gratitude seeping from her pores. Shelby moved closer, not wanting to shout from the other side of the room. "Are you ready to go? I want to stop at home for dinner before I take you to your dance class."

"Yes, I am ready. Santana, I'll see you tomorrow." Shelby said goodbye to Santana and told Rachel she'd wait for her in the car as she packed away her sheet music and papers.

"This conversation isn't over. I will get to the bottom of this. We can do it the easy way or the hard way. Either way, I'll know what I want to know."

"Ok." She said calmly, though, Santana was only adding to the increasing panic within. "I'll see you tomorrow. Goodbye Santana."

She left as quickly as she could, in fear of being stopped or talked to again. Everyone was so unpredictable. She didn't know who would say what next and she was afraid to find out. So she didn't stick around any longer than she had to. As quickly as possible, though taking a longer route to avoid any unnecessary alone time with Shelby, she made her way to the car.

Luckily, the conversation between the estranged mother and daughter was brief. Shelby asked about her day and Rachel told her it was fine. It was fine. She barely remembered most of it. Sure, she got scolded a few times, but it didn't faze her. And she had some weird foggy moment where she just up and left in the middle of class and Quinn was there to apologize, but she wasn't sure that was real. And Santana wanted to talk to her again and was trying to uncover her truths, but that was a problem for later. So yeah, her day was fine, just like she said.

"Rachel," Shelby said when they walked into the house, "Go get ready for dance, then meet me in the kitchen. Casey already made dinner and we're going to eat before you go."

"But…" She panicked, but Shelby cut her off.

"We have time. Go."

Needless to say, the four of them, sitting at the table, was a little awkward and tense. The only real talking was Beth's attempt at fluid conversation. Casey made her attempts at keeping everyone talking. Shelby said things from time to time. But most of dinner was spent staring at Rachel playing with her food, "If you don't eat, we're not going to dance."

"What?!" Rachel was enraged. How dare she?

Casey was watching it all play out. She didn't see it going well, but she knew it was only the first stand. It would be one of many; more than they anticipated she'd wager. Her sister and niece both glared at each other with that patented Corcoran stare. Their entire family had it, and, if nothing else, it just reinforced the fact that Rachel was definitely their family. "I mean it Rachel. Eat."

"I don't understand what the problem is. I eat all the time. Why are you doing this now?"

"I'm doing this now, Rachel, because you heard what Dr. Cantor said at your last appointment. You're underweight. We've given you time to gain a little, but you haven't and it's unhealthy." She decided you use that to mask all that she knew. Rachel wouldn't be receptive to an ambush and if using a scapegoat got her through, then that was what Shelby had to do. "So now we're doing this my way. Every day, unless I give you permission, you will come here after glee, eat, and then your Aunt Casey or I will drive you to dance." She sighed at Rachel's eye roll, but she wouldn't react more than that. It was a test of her ability, but she needed to start somewhere. "If you do not eat, you do not go."

"This is ridiculous."

"No, it's not. We all just want you healthy."

"Aunt Casey…" Rachel looked to her, the first time she truly used the preface of aunt and it was to find some support on a topic her aunt supported the opposition. Still, knowing blatant manipulation at its best, it warmed her heart a little to hear herself be called Aunt Casey instead of just Casey. It was no big deal, not really, but it felt like it; even in the way it was brought out.

"Sorry Rach. This is between you and your mother. You know I love you, but you are looking a little thin." She needed to be supportive of both family members. She needed to reinforce Shelby's words while not alienating Rachel. Something told her that Rachel was going to push everyone away, especially Shelby, and, because of that, she needed to try to stay on Rachel's good side because she would need someone. And Casey was a good someone for both of them. "Why don't you just eat? It's not that big of a deal. And hey, if you finish fast enough, I'll drive you to dance and I'll show you one of the houses I looked at today that I'm thinking about putting an offer on."

"But Casey…" She huffed. She didn't want to eat. Why were they making her do this? "Shelby?"

"Now Rachel. If you want to go to dance and be there on time, eat."

"Fine." She looked around for her napkin as she cut her food up nice and small. Her napkin was mysteriously missing. Casey had one. Shelby had one. Even Beth who could barely wipe her own mouth had one. But she didn't. They didn't give her one. "Where's my napkin?"

"I must've forgotten it. It's ok. You can wash up after."

"No! No, I need it. It's… I just need it…" She was trying incredibly hard to stay in the realm of calm, but she needed something. They took everything else. They were forcing her to eat. She needed some out. Most of her tricks wouldn't work in such proximity. Sure, cutting up the food would easily make it look like she ate more than she did, but she needed a way to not eat and make it look like she did. She needed her napkin. "Can I have one please?" The words were rushed and eager. She needed it. She really needed it. She didn't even realize the slight tremor in her leg and the rapid pace at which she was breathing. They needed to stop messing with her life.

"Rachel, just eat your food so we can go."

"I… am…" She said in between deep breaths. What was she supposed to do? How would she get out of it? What did they know? Were they doing it intentionally? What the hell was happening? First her journal, and the baby thing and the "near death" experience, and then people were trying to take away her only solace, whether intentional or not… She couldn't take it. "Please…" It was quiet and pleading.

"Rachel, you're fine. You haven't made a mess. You haven't even eaten. Just finish and then you can wash up and Casey will take you to class."

Through random, inconspicuous glances at Rachel, they saw she looked like she was ready to cry. Her face had agony written all over it; like a simple bite of food, actually consuming something fully, made her sick. And, it just might. But mentally, they could see her struggle and it worried them. They didn't know what to make of the situation. It was all a guessing game and the pieces only came together the longer they played.

So all they could do was watch the first real struggle Rachel had trouble concealing. It was the first time the signs were so visible. And they didn't know if it was because of the known suspicion, because of the signs they were already aware of, or because things were just getting worse. Casey and Shelby looked to each other, silently conversing. Yes, it was official. Rachel was in trouble and they were only at the tip of the iceberg. They had such a long, hard way to go.

Rachel knew they were watching. She felt their eyes on her. And she was paranoid, but that didn't matter. Even the paranoid sometimes had merit for their crazy. But she couldn't understand why. She knew her acting skills weren't as good as she used to claim and boast about. She was no future award winner, but was she really that bad? Her subpar performances should've been enough to fool Shelby. Had something changed? Was there another reason? Why wouldn't they just let her be?

More importantly, what was she supposed to do? She couldn't eat that food. The number of carbohydrates was astronomical and even pushing her limits in dance wouldn't have been enough to burn it off. How the hell did she get out of it? She was running out of time. She couldn't miss anymore rehearsal time. Costume fittings were coming up. They were getting ready to have everyone come together for run throughs of the whole show. She missed too much as it was and, with her still in a bit of a weakened state, she knew she had to work four times as hard as she normally did just to be semi decent. She couldn't and wouldn't deal with Shelby's crazy on top of that. Of all the times to truly act, what she concluded to be, motherly and worry about eating habits, she had to pick the worst possible time ever!

She actually had to put the food in her mouth. She had to eat. And each bite killed her. Her food was shredded; mashed and sliced into the smallest of pieces, and still the plate looked too full. So she ate. With each bite she felt weighed down. Even chewing each bite about twenty or thirty times until it had the consistency of mush in her mouth didn't help. If anything, it delayed the inevitable. Only three large, to her and tiny to anyone else, bites in and she felt a rock in her stomach. How could anyone eat so much and not want to throw it all up after?

"Can I be excused?" She needed to get out of there and relieve herself the wall of fat building on her body as she sat there. She ate all she could. They couldn't ask for more.

"No."

No? It caught her off guard. "What?"

"No Rachel. We don't have time. You're stuff's in your bag. If you want to wash up, the sink's right there. Eat a few more bites and we'll go."

"I can't eat anymore. I'm full." She insisted. Shelby and Casey both looked to the plate. Not even half was eaten, but if Shelby really thought about it, it was more than ever before/ There was no napkin to hide food in. She did the research. She knew that was what Rachel did. That was why there was none there for her daughter to use and there wouldn't be any meal they had together. "Please, I can't eat any more."

"Try a few more bites."

"I can't!" The irritation she was feeling just couldn't be covered. What part of cannot did Shelby not understand? Her body just couldn't accept any more food.

"Rachel, do not yell."

Seeing the tempers flare in the two divas, Casey stepped in. "Go grab your bag and start the car." She held out her keys. "I'll be right there."

"Thank you." Rachel said, angrily leaving the table and stomping away.

"How'd you think that went?"

"Oh that, that was nothing."

"Do you think I pushed too hard too soon?"

"I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I don't think there's a rulebook for this. Let's just hope she gets better the more we get her to eat." She could hear the car starting. At least she didn't run to the bathroom. "You made that appointment, right?"

"Yes, it's Monday after school. She'll have to miss a little glee, but she's going. And I made that other appointment we talked about."

"Yeah?"

"They had an opening next Wednesday. I booked it for her and we have a meeting to discuss Rachel earlier that day."

"That's good Shelby. Let's just hope this is enough." The honking of the car horn broke their conversation.

"Go. She's waiting and she's already getting on my nerves."

"Alright, I'll be back. And when I get back wither, Operation Return Journal will commence."

"Whatever you say Casey."

They were trying to keep things as light as possible because they knew it was only the beginning, but they already felt the darkness that was looming. But it was already getting to Shelby. If she could barely get through this, how was she really going to be of any help at all? She was questioning whether she was the right person for the job. Rachel probably would've been fine with her dads. Why'd they have to die and leave her to clean up their mess?

Logically, she knew that wasn't what happened. It wasn't just their mess that made Rachel that way. It was hers too, but she couldn't blame herself. She had to blame them or she couldn't physically bring herself to do anything. "Agh!" She yelled, laying her head on the table. Beth mimicked her actions, yelling and banging her head down. Only, her little blonde head landed in food. "Silly girl." Shelby perked up. "You're just what mama needed. You know that? You make me feel better."

"Boo boo mama?"

"No, no boo boo Beth, just a lot of problems with your sister."

"Rashell boo boo?"

"Yeah, Rachel kind of has a boo boo. She has a big one and I can't kiss it and make it better."

"Beth kiss."

"You can try big girl… You can try." Taking Beth from the toddler seat, Shelby said, "Let's get you in the bath. Clean up can wait."

As they cleaned up that mess, Casey tried to do a little recon on the other. After dropping Rachel off, she waited in the car. But she got curious. She needed to see the girl in the unforgiving leotard to know just how bad things were, even if to just gage the situation. So, once she thought Rachel had enough time to dress or whatever she had to do, and get situated, Casey went to the viewing room. Hiding out of sight, but in a place she could still see, Casey watched her niece dance.

And she was beautiful, as expected, but it was all so disturbing. Maybe the other dancers and the instructors didn't see it. Maybe they chalked it up to a dancer's body, but her niece was disgustingly thin. The outline of her ribs made her look like one of those starving kids on those said world hunger commercials. The bloated stomach from the lack of food, her body literally eating itself… How was no one else disturbed by that? She looked around. The other girls were on the thin side too. Only one or two kids there looked remotely normal, but, if it were ballet normal, Rachel was still too small. It bothered her that it didn't bother anyone else.

Why did no one try to find out what was wrong? Why did no one bother to look deeper? Why didn't anyone try to help sooner? Casey just couldn't understand. But, putting the ugliness aside, getting to watch Rachel dance was nice. She liked it better than watching the soccer games her son played and the football games she was dragged to by her husband. But it was so hard to just focus on the lines and movement when all she saw was skin and bone.

Her niece was slowly disappearing before her eyes. She was pushing herself. She could see that, and they were losing her. She really hoped they weren't too late. She really hoped their efforts wouldn't be in vain. They only just found each other. They couldn't lose each other so soon. She wouldn't allow that. She would do whatever she could to prevent that. And some of it would make Rachel mad. It might even make Rachel hate her, but in the end, if Rachel was ok enough to hate and yell, then she'd take it with a smile on her face and a feel of accomplishment in her heart.

If only they caught it sooner… If only Shelby was always in her life… If only there was someone there to help her all along. There were so many what ifs and if onlys, but the thing was, they couldn't change what was. At that point, the damage was done. The job then was to reverse what was reversible and hope the rest wasn't too serious and beyond repair.

She couldn't watch anymore and decided to wait in the car. Seeing Rachel throw herself into the dance was one thing. Seeing her go above and beyond wasn't really a stretch. But it looked like she was physically hurting herself just to get in a little extra burn. When everyone else was sipping water, she was doing lunges or running in place as fast as she could; faster than her frail body really allowed. There were no breaks for her. There was no stopping. What else could she do?

What she didn't know was that in the time she gave Rachel to get situated and warmed up, Rachel had fed her inner demons. Her first stop was the quiet male bathroom that no one was ever in because there were barely any guys there. And in there, she threw up everything and all she could. There wasn't much. She let the food sit for too long and she knew she'd have to work a little harder just to even out, but the feel of her fingers in her throat and the warmth that spread through her body after the bile was expelled… it was what she craved. It was what she needed. It was what Shelby had denied her.

And after that, after getting rid of the tiny morsels of evil inside of her, she rinsed her mouth out, wiped her face, slipped into her leotard, and went out on that floor to give it her all. She'd push harder and sweat more… She'd do whatever to compensate and be better. She had to. That was all she could do to keep sane and prove she deserved the spot she didn't think she did deserve.

By the end of it, she was hurting. She felt more tired than she thought she could and she had some experience with that. Every step hurt. Her body felt heavy and weak. Simply moving her arm, her arm which was incredibly hard to keep concealed in a leo, felt like lifting a thousand pound weight. And, she knew, at the end of class, she had to head back to Shelby's, pretend nothing was wrong, do a mountain of homework, and look for her journal too. If she really wanted to push it, which she did, she wanted to add in a round on the elliptical too. She had to muster up the strength and continue practicing her faking it. Because, smile on her face or not, she was so far from ok. Her stomach was cramping again, that had been happening on and off since the miscarriage, her arm was throbbing, and she was practically dead on her feet. She was one degree warmer than dead…

"You ready to go?" Casey scared her. She was waiting outside the dressing room door when Rachel walked out. And if Rachel wasn't facing the other way, Casey would've gotten a glance at the girl's distraught and pained face. Rachel thanked the higher power for small favors.

"You have no idea." She responded quietly, more to herself. "Yes, I'm ready. Let's go."

Back at the house, Shelby made Rachel sit down for another meal; a snack that was bigger than most of Rachel's actual meals. But Rachel was smart about it. It wasn't anything mushy or wet, and Shelby allowed her to change before forcing food at her, so she dressed smart. She took bites when Shelby was watching; swallowing when necessary, but when Shelby's back was to her, it was a whole different story. Eating only the vegetables that were on her plate when needed, she stuffed the pieces of higher calorie food, like the vegan chips and dry toast, bit by bit, into her large pockets. Shelby didn't suspect a thing. And as soon as she was in her room, the scraps were immediately thrown into the trash. Rachel had it all figured out.

In her room, she rushed through her work, both make up and current work. There was so much to do, and she did it all. She was positive half of it was wrong, but it was done. She carelessly answered the questions and she knew someone would say something to her about it, but she hoped beyond reason that she magically got it right. After that, it was late, but she needed to do one last search for her journal. She looked everywhere, but another once over couldn't hurt. Her room was clear though. As were all the other rooms.

She remembered staying in Beth's room for a while. Thinking maybe it was in there, though she swore she checked before, she decided to head in. It was around Beth's bedtime, so she had to be extra quiet. Slinking into the hallway, she stealthily made her way into Beth's bedroom. Immediately, she noticed Beth wasn't in there, but, to refrain from arising suspicion, she still tried to be sly.

The lights were on, but dim, and the room was quiet. She didn't even see Casey sitting on the ground as she made her way around the room. Casey was just so, so silent, like a predator lying in wait. "Hey Rachel, what are you doing in here?" Again, she was startled by her aunt, effectively jumping away from the dresser she was looking around.

"Oh, umm…" What was a good excuse? "I… uh… I just wanted to say goodnight to Beth. I do it every night." One point Rachel.

"Ok. Shelby is attempting to get Beth changed. They shouldn't be too long. In the meantime, want to help me?" She was sitting on the ground in front of the bookshelf. That was where she found the journal, which was where Rachel would discover it too.

"What are you doing?" Rachel moved closer.

"Cleaning this thing. It doesn't look like it gets used very often. It's so dusty, but there are some great kids' books here and I figured someone should read to Beth. Since Shelby apparently doesn't, why not me?" Yes, she was cleaning t again. It was still dusty and it was a good excuse to get the ball rolling.

"What can I do?"

Pointing to some cleaning spray and a rag, she said, "Grab one and get cleaning."

Rachel sat opposite her aunt and helped dust the shelves. Casey talked with her, asked her questions, and just generally kept her engaged. She was just waiting for the right time to pull out the big guns. She had it all worked out. There'd be a seamless transition, a moment where she would effortlessly find the journal in the same spot she saw it all those days ago, and she'd play dumb. The moment came. "What's this? It doesn't look like a book."

Rachel's eyes went wide as Casey pulled in out from the shelf. She wanted to reach out and grab it; pull it away before anyone's eyes even laid on it, but that would be like sending up a flare. "I… I don't think that's Beth's."

"No?"

"No, no it's… It's mine see." She pointed to the cover where it was clearly marked.

"What is it?"

"It's just…" Lie Rachel… "It's my song book. When I get an idea, I write it in there." Her eyes never left it. If Casey attempted to open it, she was ready to pounce.

"What's it doing in here?"

"I had it in here when I slept in here and I thought I lost it. I've been looking everywhere for it."

"Can I see some of them? Maybe hear a little?"

"No!" Rachel stopped her from even moving the cover. "I'm sorry. I just… I don't want anyone reading them. They're not that good and. Well, I'm a little embarrassed. I hope you understand."

"Of course I do Rachel. I understand." More than Rachel could begin to realize. "I'm sorry for intruding."

"It's… It's fine." She stood quickly. "I'm sorry, I'm tired. I think I'm, going to bed now.'

"What about Beth?" Casey asked as she watched Rachel back away slowly.

"Give her a kiss for me. Ok?"

"Sure Rachel. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Casey."

Rachel scattered and Casey breathed a sigh of relief. It was a tiny victory, one that wasn't guaranteed to not turn into a failure at some point, but it felt good. It felt like a small hurdle was overcome. For the time being, they were in the clear. Rachel wouldn't know they read her private thoughts. So, a small hurdle was indeed overcome, but it would be one of many. They could rejoice in the small win because there'd be many failures coming their way and many more they wouldn't even know about.

For the short while, they just had to take happy where it came, however it came. If that meant being happy they sneakily got away with stealing and returning a journal, then so be it. They'd take what they could.

**This was more filler chapter. Next one starts moving things along and a few after that, this story… well you'll see what happens. Depending on how the chapters turn out and what comes out in each one, this story should be between 40 and 45 chapters. That's really not that many more. I hope you are all still interested. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**Tearrer**** I'm glad you like the internal dialogue. Some people don't. Some people have said they don't, but the internal dialogue holds the character's truth, not necessarily the truth, but the individual truth. And I love the internal thoughts. I have them, everyone has them it's fitting Rachel and other characters would too. After reading your review, I immediately went to listen to that song. And you are so right. If ever there was a theme song for that chapter, Yellowcard's ten would be it. It's a beautiful song, sad really. Thank you for introducing me to it. I like Yellowcard, don't know why I haven't heard it before. The timing though, was quite a coincidence. **

**gleeluver101**** I updated! And it's longer than the last chapter. So there's that. Enjoy.**

**GleeQueen16**** I've been sick, but I'm doing better. Thanks for reading. Big things to come before this story ends. Hope you come along for the rest of the ride.**

**Guest**** That just means you're invested in the story and the characters. That's a good thing! I promise you Shelby's going to try, but it's not going to be that cut and dry. Shelby doesn't quite grasp everything. She still sees with rose colored glasses and she doesn't want to admit that she has done anything wrong. We shall see how that plays out. I apologize that I've taken so long to update and I truly wish I could manage weekly or even biweekly, but there have been a lot of setbacks as of late. Though, I really do try to be timely. Keep reading. I promise it'll be worth it. **

**mysterywriter94**** It was a rather short chapter… for me… not in general. This one is much longer. Rachel should stop lying, but where's the story in that? Her lies are the driving force behind most things. If she didn't, the story would be over. I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. Plus, I haven't gotten to the next big blow out yet. You have to stick around for that. **

**UmPaDee**** It is painfully said, mostly because this is a true struggle. People out there really are burdened with this affliction. That was one of the reasons I was so compelled to tell this story. And I'm glad there are readers like you who have come with me through the story telling. I hate that I keep having to apologize for the delays in updating, but I'm updating now. That has to count for something. I will continue to try and be timely, but things just seem to get in the way.**


	35. Don't Want, Need, or Accept

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

Sorry about the confusion, last chapter was edited and instead of hitting replace I hit delete like an idiot so I had to re-upload it and it sent out an alert like a new chapter, but this is the new chapter, which, apparently, in the mess up, I didn't upload right or something. I don't know, apparently, I'm inept. Are you following, because I'm not… I got the messages, but I wasn't home to fix it until, well, now. And then I found that the file was corrupted so bits and pieces were all screwy. That's life I guess. So, this is what you get. It's a little choppy I think but that makes sense because it's parts of the original chapter and pieces of what would've been the next chapter. It's probably for the best. It moves things further along. Anyway, sorry about that, but on the plus side, I finally added a story cover that wasn't my drawing! My little doodle seemed a little too happy for this story. Don't you think?

Chapter 35: Don't want it; Don't need it; Won't Accept It

April… It was nearing the end of April and everything had changed. Rachel would say it was for the worse, but to Shelby and Casey, it appeared to be for the better; at first at least. It was what they didn't know that was the problem. It was what Rachel was working overtime to keep hidden that was the problem. So much had changed in the span of a few weeks, yet so much was just more of the same.

When Rachel found the journal with Casey, she relished in the small victory. She truly thought she found her journal, private thoughts still her own. She had no idea how untrue that was and she couldn't put the subtle clues together. For the rest of that night, no matter what else was on her mind, everything was lighter. Still, she was itching for her fix. Getting the journal back, though, gave her a high too; like an adrenaline rush. She escaped death in a way and that felt great because she honestly saw no other escape if she didn't find it. She didn't know what to do if it got out…

But the thought didn't matter anymore because it was found again. It was back in the privacy of her room and safe from prying eyes. Thank god! But that was only the beginning of it. As great as that felt, things were going to get worse before they got better. And she truly believed they'd never be better again.

After the first day back at school, things didn't seem to get any better for Rachel. Santana and Noah were still on her case. Noah was more passive about it. He had others do his dirty work; making them spy and follow not so covertly. But he kept some distance. He wasn't doing it intentionally, and he did talk to her on the phone at night and text back and forth with her, but he couldn't be near her. He was dealing with his grief still, as he suspected she was too, and he had to do that in his own way. One of those ways was picking a fight with a rival jock who was bigger than him. And, yes, that may have been stupid, and he got his butt whooped pretty good, but the punches he landed and the bruises he gave, they were his reprieve. Plus, his face was untouched so no one would notice; just a few messed up knuckles. He knew Rachel wouldn't approve of that. She told him as much, so he kept some distance, dealt with his things so he could help her deal with hers. He'd still take her to Del that Monday to get the stitches out and, if she asked, he'd sneak in her room in a heartbeat, but he had things to figure out too. That didn't mean he was ignoring her. He left a vegan muffin from a nearby bakery in her locker every morning so he knew she'd have something to eat and he even attempted to do well on his assignments in her honor. He made it a point to take care of her. He just had other people keep an eye on her while he couldn't, and if they did their job, he would know about the slushie attacks and put an end to those as well, but they were incompetent; most of them were.

Quinn kept giving her pity eyes. Rachel hated the pity eyes. That was worse than the teasing and insults and general meanness. A mean Quinn Fabray was one she could deal with. She had years of practice with that and, though it still hurt, grew to expect it like she was immune to it. But pity eyed, quiet, insultless Quinn was something else. It was unnatural; so unnatural… What was worse was she didn't say anything. Not one word. And that made others suspicious and start asking questions. It was nothing she couldn't dodge, and Quinn was equally good at evasive maneuvers, but it was just weird.

The tides were changing. The winds were shifting. The mood was different. And Santana was still Santana. She wasn't lying when she said they were going to talk. She made sure that happened. Rachel managed her time well and hid whenever she spotted that brown Cheerios' high pony tail coming her way, but there was nowhere to run when it was just Santana and her waiting for Kurt in the auditorium.

"So midget, you gonna tell me what's what?" She had her cornered, standing at an intimidating height as Rachel sat on the piano bench.

"I'm afraid you need to be more specific Santana." She really didn't want to put up with any of it. That day consisted of the week's second slushie attack, being tripped by some jock, and another missing assignment. She got caught up on all the late work just to miss the current stuff. Smart right…

"Why is my friend being all mopey and sad? He hasn't even tried to throw someone in the dumpster since we've been back from vacay. That's not like him."

"Have you tried asking him what's wrong?" Rachel asked, yet to look to Santana. Instead, she fiddled with sheet music and attempted a few random keys.

"Of course I did. Believe it or not, I'm no heartless bitch." Rachel scoffed as she continued to press the keys. "Hey." Santana put her hands on Rachel's to still them. "All he did was ask me to keep an eye on you. So that's what I'm doing. Tell me what's going on because he wouldn't and I need to know."

"There is absolutely nothing going on with me. I, however, cannot speak on Noah's behalf. For that, you'll have to ask him."

"Yeah, well, apparently the problem is you." Rachel's head snapped in her direction. What did Rachel do? It was about the baby… He blamed her. That was the only thing she could really think of. What else could it have been? And she didn't blame him for finally realizing the truth.

Santana could see she didn't get that out there in the right way since Rachel looked like she just got whiplash; like she just kicked her puppy. "Relax. He didn't say you were the problem, just to watch out for you because he couldn't." He couldn't because he didn't want to… He didn't want to be around her because he hated her for what she did; what she caused. "So something's wrong. What is it?"

"Nothing's wrong Santana. While I appreciate your attempt at concern, I really don't need it. Noah is going through something, just… just make sure he's ok. If you could do that. Just try to do that. He's hurting."

"And how'd you know that?"

"I just do." She said solemnly. Noticing that Santana was starring and on the verge of saying something, she was grateful when she heard the auditorium doors open. Without looking to Santana, really just looking down, she pointed toward the entrance and said, "Kurt's coming."

"What?" Santana didn't even hear him. She was too focused on figuring out what ate Rachel's berry.

"Kurt. He's here."

"Oh, yeah, right…"

Rachel put on her smile, just as Santana threw out her scowl, and they awaited Kurt. He seemed to be taking forever to make it down the aisle, but once he did, they jumped right in. It was odd how well they worked together. No one would expect it, but there was no fighting or arguing. They just had their songs and they practiced them. Yes, there were some minor disagreements. "We should do it like this not like that." That kind of thing. But they actually acted like a team. Rachel liked it, though she had to ignore the looks she was getting from Santana which in turn caused confusion for Kurt. It was a weird cycle.

And when they presented their ideas at the end of the week, it went well, but not great. Rachel was disappointed in her performance, but that was par for the course. Santana and Kurt seemed to hit every step and every note with perfection and she just fell flat. The clapping was weak, and, though she once said she needed applause to live, it just wasn't sustaining her. However abysmal she felt about that, people liked their song choices and their idea for the original songs.

Needless to say, Mr. Schue used that to his advantage. The following week the whiteboard held a new phrase, "original songs." How original of him… But, at least her ideas were out there. He determined he was going to take all of the groups' ideas into consideration and after the original songs were written, he'd go through those too, and then he and Shelby would settle on which would be best. It wasn't ideal. Rachel just wanted the set list to be finalized so she could learn what she needed to learn and perfect it as best she could. But with Schue, it was usually a last minute effort.

She didn't care though. She did her part. She'd show up where she was needed and make whatever performance she was told to give the very best she could; even if, to her, it still wouldn't be good enough. That was her role. That was where she was at. That was where she would stay. It wasn't the best of places, but, for her, it wasn't the worst either. There were more pressing concerns; like keeping things hidden from Shelby.

Home life was, well it was being stuck with Shelby all the time. Dinners and even breakfasts were like being on lockdown. She ordered Rachel to sit and didn't allow her to leave until the plates were clean. And Rachel had no choice but to obey. The pockets of all her sweaters had really weird stains that were impossible to explain. So she didn't…

It started getting like that Tuesday, her second week back from vacation. The first week it was a little more pressure to eat. Dinners were more of the "don't eat, don't dance" variety, and Rachel did as told, pulling off some of her old tricks and some new ones whenever she could. It wasn't ideal and she absorbed more calories than she had hoped, but if she managed to make it, she always emptied out right before hitting the ballet floor. It wasn't what she wanted, but it was an adjustment she had to make just to keep up appearances for her mother. Shelby, though, had all sorts of surprises in store for Rachel.

Monday morning, amidst their chaotic routine, Shelby pulled Rachel aside. "We're leaving halfway through glee today." Shelby informed her daughter, effectively making her stop dead in her tracks.

"What? Why?" Why would she do that? More importantly, how was she going to get out of whatever it was Shelby was getting her in to? She had stitches to get out. It was impossible to be in two places at once and she felt the stitches were probably more important than whatever.

"You have an appointment today." She remained calm. She could see the fight building in Rachel's eyes and hoped it didn't erupt. Keeping herself level headed would keep Rachel the same, she hoped.

"An appointment?" Shelby nodded. "For what? With who?"

"Her name is Dr. Etcher. She's a licensed physician, but…"

"Another doctor? Why?" She cut Shelby off.

"While she is a doctor, she is a nutritionist as well."

"Why do I need to see her?" She was nervous. Something wasn't right. Shelby had been on her about food more than usual and they were watching her more closely. It just didn't sit right with her. She couldn't quite put the pieces together and she didn't know they knew, but she figured they suspected something. That seemed the most likely and she needed to fix it. ASAP.

"I told you Rachel. I'm worried about you. And so is Casey. Dr. Cantor said you were underweight and we gave you the opportunity to gain some. I tried getting you to eat more so you can continue all your activities, but this is it. You haven't gained anything. If anything, you've lost more and I can't let that continue. So we do this or you're done with glee and dance."

"What?" Panic. Without that she had nothing; less than the nothing she already had. "You can't do that! You just want me fat and alone. That's what this is about isn't it?" The anger was getting the best of her. It was uncontrollable.

"Do not yell at me Rachel!" She was giving Rachel one last free pass. She knew springing things on her daughter often led to outbursts and it was worse when there were doctors involved, so she'd let it go as long as she calmed down. Plus, the worry outweighed the anger. Her daughter wasn't seeing reason. Instead of understanding it was for health reasons, she thought it was to get her fat… Not logical at all… "You couldn't be more wrong. I want you to be loved and happy. But I want you to be healthy. And that's all I'm trying to do. So I'm giving you a choice." She hoped it didn't backfire. Rachel lived for dance and glee, taking that away, or threatening to, would be the only way to get her to do what she wanted. So, she did it. "The appointment is later today. I will call and cancel right now if you want…"

Rachel perked up. Of course she wanted that, so she quickly responded, "I want."

"But, if I cancel, we will be leaving glee, coming home, and I will be calling Renee to withdraw you from her class."

"You can't do that." Rachel insisted.

"I can, and I will, but the choice is yours."

"But I don't want to go." She whined. Shelby expected nothing less. She wouldn't have been surprised if it was followed by a storm out and a door slam, but that was a punishable offense. There was only so much she could let slide.

"I need you to hear me out."

"There's more?" She wanted to cry. She couldn't give up glee and dance, but she didn't want to go to any doctors either. She didn't want someone to tell her how to be fat. She knew how to do that all on her own and she wanted to unlearn it. Food equals bad. That was her motto.

"Yes. Today, if you agree, we're going to see Dr. Etcher." Rachel weakly nodded to let Shelby know she was following, not agreeing, just following. She wasn't happy, but she was listening. What other choice was there? "And on Wednesday I'm taking you to see Dr. Matten."

"Dr. who? Another doctor? For what?!" Now she was getting angry. Two doctors in one week. How fair was that? And what kind of doctor was the second one? Another person to force food at her? What a joke…

"Dr. Matten is a psychologist."

"What? I don't need to see a psychologist. There's nothing wrong with me!"

Shelby could see Rachel getting jittery. It wasn't something she saw often, barely ever in fact, and it wasn't something she liked to see. "Rachel, sweetie…"

"Don't call me sweetie." She snapped.

"Ok, relax. Please sit down and let me finish or we just end this right now and you won't show up for glee at all and I'll call the ballet school to tell them they need to put in your understudy."

"You can't do that!"

"I can and I will." Rachel stopped her pacing. What did she do next? "Come sit." Sit apparently…

Huffing, she gave in. She had to. Play the part Rachel. Play the frickin' part… "Fine."

"Ok Rachel. I know you've been having a hard time."

"We don't have to talk…"

"We do. You need to stay quiet and let me talk." When Rachel slumped into the chair and remained silent, Shelby took that as a good sign. "Since your dads died, and even before that, you have been struggling."

"I have not." She hissed defensively. She had things figured out. Who was Shelby to say differently?

"You have. And I know I'm partly to blame. I never made your life any easier and then you were thrown at me, forced here when I'm sure you wanted nothing more than for your fathers to be home taking care of you." She had that right. "I've hurt you." She said honestly, willing to start accepting responsibility for the damage she caused. "So many people have, and now you're hurting." She could see Rachel about to protest once more and simply put a hand up to silence her. "You've been sad. You've been angry. You've been so many things, but I don't think I've really seen you happy Rachel. And I want to see you happy. So this is where we're at."

"Where is that exactly? Sitting on the couch in your living room having a conversation I wish we weren't?"

"No. We're working on making you happy."

"How do you know I'm not happy? Maybe I'm just not happy around you." Not the right thing to say, she was aware, Word vomit; a serious case of it… And Shelby felt bitten. It hurt.

"That's a possibility." She admitted unhappily taking everything in stride. "But it's more likely an all around thing. You've been withdrawn lately; for a while really. You don't participate as much as you used to. You don't ask to go out often. You've been losing a lot of weight. And it's not healthy Rachel. I'm worried about you and the dangerous path you're heading down." It seemed best to just leave it at that. Blatantly saying that she knew more would've only caused more problems. The goal was to help her. "So I want you to go to these appointments and I want you get better and enjoy your life."

"I enjoy my life just fine, thank you. Maybe I've lost weight, though I don't see it, but that was only because I needed to." Definitely not the right thing to say. She needed to heed the age old wisdom and think before she spoke. "Can't I just do this on my own? Why do I need doctors?"

"You need doctors, because I don't know how to help you. As much as I'd like to make things all better, I can't do it by myself."

"You have Casey."

"You're right, we both have Casey, but you don't really talk to either one if us about your problems. So you need to talk with someone. That's where Dr. Matten comes in. You haven't been able to grieve because you had to deal with everything else and all the changes. You probably have so much going on in that busy head of yours, and she'll be there for you to vent and work through whatever you want."

"And if I don't go?" She asked with a sense of defeat. She couldn't give up the only things she had left. That would be like pulling the last string. Without it, there was nothing to hold her up.

"Then I make the calls right now. You will not be going to Nationals and you will not be performing in the recital."

"Fine." She agreed, unwillingly, and then stood. "Can we go now?" The attitude was back, but Shelby felt accomplished and had a smile to show it.

"Yes, let's go."

They made it to school feeling two completely different ways. Shelby was riding a high. She felt like she was actually beginning to make progress; like she was being the mother she knew she was capable of being and actually making a difference. She actually agreed, and easily. She didn't see that one coming. She expected a big fight, a blow out, or something equally as huge. And Rachel did give a little sass, but it was nowhere near as astronomical as she assumed. Was that supposed to comfort her or worry her? For the time being, she chose the former; comfort felt much better.

Rachel, however, wasn't at all happy with this new step. She accepted it because she had to. It was something she considered, but she ultimately decided she couldn't give up dance or glee no matter how worthless she felt in both. So she gave in. She agreed to go see some stupid doctors. But that wasn't the end of it. It wasn't just that easy. She had plans. Yes, she was going, but that didn't mean she had to like it and it definitely didn't mean she actually had to make the effort. She never went to a nutritionist before, so she didn't actually know what to expect. She'd have to look into it. But she had been to a shrink before. She knew what would happen there and she knew just what to say and do to appear the perfect, most cooperative patient. That and that alone, was the reason she agreed to go. She knew how to get away with saying nothing and making that enough. Shelby thought she was winning, but Rachel had ideas of her own.

First things first though, she had something to take care of. She had to find Noah; Noah who still seemed to be avoiding her and watching her from afar. She waited for English to be over before approaching him in the hall. She didn't want Shelby to overhear. "Noah. Noah, wait!" She called after him.

"Hey Rach." He replied when he noticed her.

"I've been calling you Noah."

"Sorry. Didn't hear you."

"Are you avoiding me?" She asked with a scrutinizing gaze.

"No. I needed space Rach. And so did you."

"Yeah, ok." He was right. And he deserved some time away from her crazy.

"What's up?"

"Are you… are you still going to take me to get you know what out by you know who?"

"That English Berry?" She was trying to be covert. Obviously, it wasn't working.

"Noah, are you still taking me today?" She asked again, pointing to her arm for further aid.

"To get the stitches out? Course, I'm takin' you."

"Great, how do you feel about missing last period?"

He felt great about it. Why wouldn't he? He was getting out of class and spending time with his girl. Though, he wasn't sure she was his girl. Was she? Was that really what he wanted? He thought it was. And with everything that happened, he could actual picture it; a future with her and a life with their children. That was part of why losing the baby was so hard. It was hard, like it would be for anyone, but especially hard because he realized that one day he might want that with her. And, on some level, Rachel wanted that with him too. She just didn't think he'd ever want that with her.

Their thoughts on that continued to whirl around as they drove a fairly silent ride. The only time they spoke was when Rachel asked if he was sure Del would be there and he assured her she would be. "I called." He told her. And that was enough. The rest of the ride, or most of it, was them being left to their thoughts. That was, until their thoughts became too much and they both had something they wanted to say.

"Noah." "Rachel." They spoke at the same time.

"You first Berry."

"No, please, I need you to talk first." She really did. Hearing him would either talk her out of or into saying what she wanted to say.

"I've been kind of laying low this week. You know, like avoiding you…" She noticed. "But it wasn't because of you."

"Then why Noah?"

"I'm messed up." A given… "And you're messed up." Understatement…

"Excuse me?"

"Just listen to me. Please? Just hear me out." He said frustrated. He knew he wouldn't say it right, but he needed to say it right then and there, in a moving car so neither of them could escape. "We're both really messed up. And I couldn't be with you since… everything because I needed some time."

"I get that Noah." She said sadly. He was, in effect, breaking up with her; ending them before they even really began. That was what it felt like.

"I… I was sad… no, I am sad. I would've made a great father."

"I know." She said quietly, just looking at the passing scenery.

"We would've been parents and that, that scared me, but I wanted that baby. For a moment there, I actually thought you were pregnant, that that was what you were telling me. And I was terrified, but a part of me was excited too…"

"Why are you bringing this up Noah? I don't want to discuss the… it…" It hurt. It all hurt and he was stomping on her already broken heart.

"Rachel, what I'm trying to say is that I can see us with kids." He sighed. Nothing was coming out the way he planned. It didn't sound the way it did in his head. "You know, us, in the future… You a big star, me doing something… a family. I can see us as a family."

"What are you saying Noah?" That time she looked to him. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. Maybe he wasn't ending their arrangement? She wouldn't have blamed him if he did, she was a mess, like he pointed out, and she didn't really want sex after just losing a baby so she really couldn't give him what he wanted. So why wouldn't he end it?

"I'm saying that our whatever, our friendship, it's more than that to me. I… I get that now. When I found out Quinn was pregnant with Beth, I imagined my child. I imagined being a dad to her, but I didn't ever see Quinn there with me. But with you… I wonder what we would've had. I want to see you dealing with our badass son or teaching our little princess to dance."

"You… You're saying you want kids… with me?"

"I want more than that Rachel. I want a life with you." He said sincerely, pulling the car over.

"You do?" She was shell-shocked. Was that really Noah Puckerman talking to her?

"I don't know what we are right now. We're friends and we have sex. And I don't know what that means, but, other than Santana, you're the only one I actually kept coming back to. You're the only one I still called a friend. What I'm trying to say is… is that… well… I like you."

"I… I… like you too Noah."

"So be my girlfriend."

"You… you want me… to be your… your girlfriend?"

"Hell yeah Berry."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Even with everything? After everything?"

"I need you in my life and I know you need me too. You make me… better. We're both messed up. We might as well be messed up together. Right?"

"So… you want me because we're both messed up?" She was slightly offended. It sounded a little like she was a last resort; a convenience.

"No, I want you because you're you. You used to be this annoying chick that was hot and fun to look at, yeah, but you're so much more. I want to be around you. I like being around you, and I like you. So be my girlfriend Rachel, please."

"I don't know what to say Noah."

"Say yes."

"Is this really what you want? Given what you know, what you've seen, why don't you hate me?"

"I could never hate you."

"I hate me." She said without thinking.

"Well, don't. You're beautiful. You're smart. You made me less of a failure. Hell, my mother would have us married by now if she knew you were the reason I'm not flunking, actually pulling off Cs and I'm not getting in much trouble. I suck at relationships. Never really been good at them and never had a reason to try, but now I want to try. You make me want to try. I don't know if it's going to work. But I want it to. So let's try this."

"Is this really what you want Noah?" She asked hesitantly, afraid of the answer. But, at the same time, she couldn't help but feel a tiny glimmer of hope. Noah had seen her at her worst, in the aftermath of a decision she made, and he was saying he liked her. He knew her dirty secrets and he was saying he wanted her as his girlfriend. It didn't make sense to her. But she wanted it too. Honestly, she had for a while. She just didn't think it was a possibility. No one else wanted her. Why would he? With the exception of Jacob Ben Israel, she didn't think anyone would ever want her in that way. Sure, there was Finn, but that was… That was a lapse in judgment on both their parts. They didn't work. Reflecting, she realized that no matter how much she tried, they never would. All that was beside the point though, Noah was offering her something she wanted, She wasn't sure she deserved it though. That didn't mean she wouldn't take it.

"Yeah."

"Even… even if I don't want to, you know… have intercourse for a while?"

"I'm not after your body Rachel." Did he just say that? More importantly, did he mean it?

"But I don't understand why you want me?"

"And I don't get why a girl like you would ever want to be with me, but I hope you do. I want to help you Rachel. I want to be with you and I want to help you. Let me."

Ignoring the help part, a simple smile turned at the corner of her mouth as she responded, "I want to be with you too."

"Good."

"Yeah, good."

"So, you wanted to say something?"

A little shocked, "Nuh… no, I think you covered everything."

"We should go in. Shelby already thinks I'm a Lima loser. Her finding out we skipped isn't on my to-do list."

"You have a to-do list?"

"Beside the point… It would be on there if I had one."

"Noah." Her icy hand went to rest atop his, stopping him from opening the door just yet. "I … I like you too, but I know how much your reputation means to you."

He just put his heart on the line and she was going to reject him? His heart was breaking a little. "So you don't want to date me?"

"No, no I do. I just. We should take things slow. I am officially your girlfriend, but maybe, for your sake and for mine, we should start acting more like friends around our peers before we announce ourselves as a couple."

"You don't want people to know?"

"This is coming out all wrong… I just don't want… People will talk. I don't want you to be slushied like last time."

"They slushie me or you and I kick their ass."

"Noah." She chided.

"Rachel."

"Think about it Noah. I'm doing it for you. Shelby will know. What if she keeps you from Beth? What if she keeps us apart? I don't want that." Her concern was genuine. Shelby had expressed her dislike for Noah and though she was warming up to him, he was still the bad seed in her eyes and she saw how Shelby got when the topic of dating came up.

"Ok."

"Ok?" That was easy.

"Yeah, you're right. And you're already the best girlfriend I ever had."

"I am?" Also, probably his only real girlfriend…

"Yep." He leaned in for a light peck on her cheek. "Let's go. Del's waiting."

By some miracle, they managed to get the stitches out and Del's clean bill of health, at least where the cut was concerned, and drive back to McKinley all before last period ended. They were in a state of bliss, something Rachel hadn't experienced much of. But, for however long it lasted, she wanted to bask in it. Noah was her boyfriend. He wasn't ashamed of her. It was… It felt right… Though the high would fade and she'd undoubtedly ruin it eventually, she was going to enjoy it while she could. And Shelby would be none the wiser to their relationship or their truancy. It was great!

And she rode that wave all the way to the nutritionist; the pleasantness of it all wearing off as soon as they pulled into the lot. She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to have to talk to anyone. She didn't want to understand how people thought she needed to be fat again; fatter than she was. She worked hard to lose it and she was far from done. Why would anyone want to put it back on her? Did they want her to suffer?

"Are you ok Rachel?" Shelby asked when she saw the suddenly stricken look on her daughter's face.

"Fine." Of course she wasn't ok. She was walking into the start of her demise.

"I know you don't want to be here. But it's for your own good." How comforting… Her own good… Shelby didn't know what was good for her; she hardly even knew her.

The first appointment wasn't so bad. It wasn't like a regular doctor and it wasn't at all what she was expecting. And Shelby decided Rachel didn't have a choice in the matter; there was no physical exam, so she was going in too. It was awkward, as were most introductions that she didn't want to be made, but she tried her best to relax when Dr. Etcher began talking.

"What do you want out of this appointment Rachel?" She asked.

"I want Shelby to let me dance and leave me alone." Rachel answered pointedly, sending a glare Shelby's way.

"What are your goals?" She didn't have any. She guessed, if she really had to come up with one, it was to get out of there unscathed. She didn't want anything to change. But, she came up with a better answer than that.

When the woman started asking about weight goals, Rachel clammed up. She didn't want to talk about that, especially not with her mother there. What were her weight goals? To lose more… Though, answering like that would defeat the purpose of appeasing Shelby. Noticing the change in her patient, Dr. Etcher kindly asked Shelby to wait outside for a few minutes. "I'll come get you when we get to the next step." She assured the nervous mother.

Hesitantly, Shelby left the room and that gave Rachel room to answer "honestly." The only thing she was honest about was her name. It was a step up from her last doctor's visit… "I want to be healthy." Was the answer she gave. Was it true? Maybe, somewhere deep down, she wanted that. But, in the forefront, she just wanted to be thin and happy. Health wasn't something she generally put on high priority any more. Talking about weight and fat and all that nastiness was not something she liked at all, but she kept reminding herself that she had to. If she wanted to remain in dance and glee, she had to. So she did it. She listened when she was told what was deemed appropriate for her height and weight and what work they would have to do to get her there. And once that portion of the day was over, Dr. Etcher called Shelby back in and they moved.

"What's a typical food day for you Rachel?" She asked as she had her file and pen at the ready.

Honest answer: small bites of fruit for breakfast, bathroom visit… skip lunch altogether if possible, vegetables if not… dinner was whatever was forced down her throat, and, usually if applicable, another bathroom visit… The answer she gave, however, didn't reflect much truth. "My mornings consist of some type of fruit, granola or one of my favorite vegan brand cereals, with a glass of soy milk. Shelby can attest to that." Lie, but it looked like truth. Shelby could confirm that. She couldn't confirm that Rachel immediately turned it into waste when she left the table to get ready, though that was her concern. "For lunch I either pack some sliced vegetables and snack packs or I eat a salad from the cafeteria." Lunch hour was spent in the auditorium if she could make it there, working her ass off to perfect her skills. "And dinner is whatever is served that day. Shelby or my aunt Casey is in charge of that. You'll have to consult them for further inquiry."

From there, after discussing normal dinner with Shelby, they talked about Rachel's favorite foods, the things she liked the most, and even the things she liked the least. Really, they just made a list. "The key is to find the right balance between nutrition and indulgence." Rachel was told. How about she just didn't indulge and she'd worry about the rest later?

So many grams of that, some number of milliliters of this… This many calories a day. High calorie this. Fat content… Carbohydrates… None of the words were what she wanted to hear. Her idea of a diet was eat all and excrete it after or eat nothing at all. She didn't see what was so wrong with that. It worked for her. But, apparently, she needed a mea plan. "Keep a detailed food journal." She already did that. It just wasn't something she was willing to share with anyone else. "You need to compensate for the calories you burn while dancing and running through routines." High protein suggestions were made. "We're going to come up with a general meal plan. You can deviate with your choices, but try to stick with it as best you can." If she had to hear another ratio of starch to fiber or whatever, she was going to hit something, but she kept her cool. She did the kind, obedient thing and smiled, giving the occasional head nod. Oh, Shelby was so going to pay for making her go there.

They were both relieved to get out of that office. It definitely wasn't painless, but it was easier than Rachel anticipated. It did give her a lot of excess work though. There were charts and lists and things to look over as well as food logs to be kept. That meant she was going to have to do two separate ones and Shelby just _had_ to be there to watch as she did the _real_ one. Shelby may have been happy because they were getting the ball rolling, but Rachel, Rachel just wanted it over and done with.

Oh, she'd do the work. She'd do it for appearances sake. But that was all it would be. It was another layer, another act, an addition to her façade. It was more to add to her plate and that meant something needed to be bumped. Bye-bye homework. She didn't need to do it anyway. Who cared? Though, she wasn't doing much of that as it was… Oh well…

As soon as they got home, after dance and all, they sat down for their dinner. Rachel fidgeted around in her seat as she stared at her food. Ignoring the conversation, she had a monologue of sorts going in her mind. Casey was sitting too close for her to put the food in her pockets and not be suspicious. They'd knock elbows and that would draw attention. Damn it. What was a girl to do?

"Rachel did you hear me?"

"What?"

"Your aunt was talking to you."

"I'm sorry Casey. Will you please repeat whatever it was you said?"

"I asked how your appointment went today."

"Why don't you just ask Shelby? She seems to have all the answers." It was a smart ass thing to say, but it didn't come out nearly as harshly as it could have.

"Rachel." Shelby growled.

"I apologize again. It went fine. May I be excused?" She wanted to call Noah. Her boyfriend. She liked the sound of that.

Shelby knew the day seemed too easy. The fights always happened at home. Anywhere else, Rachel was the perfect little angel people thought she could be. "You may not. You haven't eaten your dinner. We waited and are eating late just for you. So eat please. And when you're done, I want you to help clear the table and do the dishes. Is your homework all done?"

"Yes." She huffed.

"Good, then when the dishes are done, we're going to start the calendar Dr. Etcher was talking about."

"Do we have to? I mean, is it really necessary?"

"It is Rachel."

"Whatever."

Dinner went slowly. She barely got away with eating bits and pieces; just enough to appease Shelby and know she burned it all off with the day's workout. Shelby seemed pleased. It was another day passed. For that, they were thankful. Not all the days would be so pleasant.

Shelby had off work on Wednesday; a fact Rachel found cagey. They had the psychologist's appointment that day. She was sure Shelby would be all over her. Instead, she was mysteriously absent. She wasn't complaining. Not having Shelby everywhere was great for her, but she knew something was up. There had to be something. Casey was going to look at another house, but she would've known if Shelby was going too. So where was she and what was she doing?

The answer was at Dr. Matten's office. Shelby made plans to meet with her earlier to discuss the situation briefly before she met with Rachel. They talked over the phone a bit, but she needed to do it in person. "It's nice to finally meet you Ms. Corcoran."

"Shelby, please."

"Ok Shelby. You wanted to discuss Rachel a little before we met this afternoon?"

"Yes."

"Tell me what's going on?"

"I told you her fathers passed away a few months ago."

"I recall that, yes. That was how she ended up in your care." Shelby confirmed that and went into a little more detail about her relationship with Rachel. She needed the doctor to be informed so she could help her daughter. So Shelby told all she thought she needed to up until recent times. "And now you believe she has an eating disorder, yes?"

"I'm almost sure of it."

"Why?"

"She's a small girl, naturally and when you see her, you might not see it right away because she likes to wear really thick clothing, but she's… she's not healthy." Shelby shook her head. "I don't know how I didn't see it, but there were signs. I may have caught her throwing up at one point. I thought she was just drunk. Not just… but… she was coming home from a party, so I assumed… But she cuts her food into tiny pieces and shovels it around the plate. She… I don't even know. Her doctor said she needs to gain weight that she was bordering on unhealthy and that was back in January. I didn't think anything of it then. I just thought it was the grief. But then my sister read her diary. Now I have no more doubts." None that she could justify…

"Have you confronted her about it?"

"Absolutely not." She exclaimed. "Rachel isn't very receptive to me. If I did that, nothing would help. I'm taking a different approach. I'm getting her help without her knowing why."

"I don't think I understand. How are you doing that?"

Shelby then explained how she convinced Rachel to go to the nutritionist and to see her. She told the doctor that she wanted to help Rachel, but she knew confronting her wasn't the right way to do it. They weren't at that point yet, though, it was possible that that type of intervention would be necessary in the future. Until then, she wanted to take whatever steps she could. They were getting her started on a meal plan. They were trying to get a little meat on her bones; so, physically, they had started working on it. It was Dr. Matten's job to work on the mental aspects.

"Once I meet with her, I must warn you, if I feel she's a danger to herself and/or others, I will recommend she be put in a rehabilitation facility."

"And if that is what you think is best, I will have to consider it. But she lost so much this year. She lost her parents. She was thrown into an environment she wasn't comfortable in. She just has so much going on that I don't want her to be branded with the stigma of crazy. So meet with her. Talk with her. Do whatever it is I'm paying you to do. Just help her, please…" She agreed.

And just a few hours later, Shelby was back in that building with her little mini me there too. Rachel tried getting out of the appointment making several excuses, but nothing worked. Though, Rachel had to admit, she wasn't as nervous about that one. She had been to a psychiatrist before. She knew how they worked. She knew what to say and how to answer the questions. Just give enough, she told herself. Answer honestly, but vaguely. She knew what to do. That didn't mean she was looking forward to it though. And Shelby seemed more nervous than she did.

"Rachel Berry." Her name was called and she stood to go in. Shelby did too. Leaving Shelby in the lobby, though it took some convincing that she wasn't going to bolt, Rachel made her way in.

Another meet and greet. Another few minutes of pointless introductory questions. It was all done before. But the woman before her seemed intent to see through her. The blue eyes just stared at her like they were expecting something. "What brings you here today Rachel?"

"Shelby believes I need to be here in order to work through my fathers' passing."

"And what do you believe?"

"I believe that I am working through it just fine." She insisted. She did her thing. She said her goodbyes her way. There was nothing left but to make peace with that. She couldn't change anything. As much as she wanted them back there was no magic that could give her that. So, what other choice was there but to move on? Had she? She didn't know, but she'd say she did.

"How did you do that?" Matten asked. Rachel told her, honestly, about the private ceremony she held for them; how she upheld their wishes and set them free. It didn't matter what she wanted; that she may have wanted a grave to visit, something tangible to see. No, she gave them what they wanted and said goodbye forever. That had to be that. Thinking about it hurt.

The first meeting didn't touch on the eating issues. Dr. Matten simply observed and garnered insight. There was definitely something going on. Given what Shelby told her, she could see the concern had merit. But she needed more time to assess the situation and dig deeper. So, once the hour was up, she handed Rachel a composition book and told her, "I want you to journal Rachel. Your mother tells me you do that anyway, but this one is just for here. Write what you feel. Write what you're thinking. Do it whenever you can, at least one entry a day. When I see you next we can talk about it, go through some of the feelings. We'll talk."

"Great." She feigned… something. What if she didn't want to talk?

"Why don't we head out into the lobby?" Dr. Matten led Rachel toward the door and out into the reception area. Shelby immediately stood when she saw them. "Shelby, I'd like to speak with you for a moment please."

"Sure." She nodded. "Rachel, stay here. No heading outside like last time. You be here when I get out."

"Ok." Rachel agreed.

Shelby followed the doctor in only to return to an impatient Rachel five minutes later. Silently, she walked over to her daughter, told her to follow her, and led them to the car. Nothing else was said until they were safe within the confines of the metal walls. "What did she want to talk to you about?"

"We were just discussing a schedule Rachel. Nothing to worry about."

"A schedule?"

"Yes. Twice a week starting next week, you're going to see her."

"Twice a week?! That's more than… Why twice?"

"We both feel it's in your best interest Rachel. There will be no arguing."

Huffing, she slammed her body back into the seat with her hands defensively crossed over her chest. She was not happy. All the bad news always outweighed the good. The people around her wanted to turn her into a tub if lard and get her to eat the world's fattiest foods. And they thought she was crazy too. It wasn't fair!

But, she was, not for the first time, realizing that nothing in her life was fair. She couldn't just be. There was always something in her way, blocking her from getting where she wanted to be. So, angry as she was, she'd do it. She'd do it, very unhappily, to keep doing the only things she thought she could do. At the very least, her front would buy her some time to figure out something better.

The rest of April was more of the same. Dinners were continual struggles. There was no escaping them. Rachel did what she could to get out of them, nearly having panic attacks when Shelby kept her at the table too long on days where her normal tricks just wouldn't fly. It was harder when Casey moved out. Her husband showed up and they were living together, as expected, finding their own way in Lima. Though she only lived one street over, she wasn't always there to be the buffer. She was the calming glue between the two and without her, it was a bit chaotic.

Rachel was becoming more rebellious. Nothing else seemed to be an option, and that was how she dealt. Screw the consequences. She was skipping more classes. She and Puck used the auditorium for extracurricular activities of the private kind while they should've been in class. Just like she predicted, homework was put on the backburner, and by the end of the month, the teachers were fed up. They could no longer turn a blind eye when someone with such promise, someone they all saw going places, was crashing and burning right in front of their very eyes.

The last Friday in April, Rachel saw the end of the line coming. It was closing in on her and the perfect portrayal she was giving was going to be exposed. She may have been participating in the "exercises" her doctors prescribed and she "ate" her food, but she wasn't better. It was all a very convincing show. To anyone it would look like they were all doing so well. The appointments were routine and she went, with fake enthusiasm and she talked about nothing of importance. But she did talk, mostly about her fathers and Shelby a little too. If she gave it more of a chance, it might have helped. Her mind just wasn't at that point yet. Instead, she was forced into testing boundaries and she pushed it a little too far the day before. She knew nothing good was coming her way, so she decided to push just a little further.

She was pulling a lot of stunts, but she had to. She was sneaking out at all hours to go running. She gained six pounds! Six pounds! She had to burn it off. And she had Puck sneak in all the time just to hold her. It made sleep easier. And though she felt disgusting, she liked having him there. The control she once found in her obsession was taken from her and she had to find it elsewhere.

And the night before, not only had she went off on a teacher at school; that was bad enough, but she skipped classes, again, and yelled at Shelby after a bad therapy session. Dr. Matten asked her questions she didn't want to answer. It set her off. She couldn't help it. She was being forced to participate in things she had no interest in and she was being kept from doing things she yearned to do. She still did them, sure, but not nearly enough. And with each tiny fraction of an ounce being added to her body, she lost a little bit more of herself and unleashed a more volatile side.

Every time she was forced to keep the food down, every time she couldn't make it to the bathroom or go out for her runs or burn it all off, she added a new cut to her body. She tried to stop. She couldn't and now it was getting warmer, though she usually felt cold, and soon the long sleeves would turn into short and hiding the embarrassing cuts and scars would be harder, but she couldn't stop herself. It was punishment. She couldn't control anything else, but she could control that. She got to pick where and when and how and size and depth and all of that. It was all she had. And she loved it; sickeningly so.

Her life was supposed to be about balance, but she didn't have many choices. Her life was consumed by others and their decisions for her. Breakfast was at a certain time and consisted of toast and oatmeal and fruit and whatever else Shelby deemed part of the plan. It was more than Rachel was used to. She didn't eat that much on a normal day, let alone one sitting. And more and more just kept being piled on her. Food was not her friend and they were putting her in a room together forcing interaction. She couldn't handle it. And her moods were erratic. She didn't know what to do anymore. So she did the only thing she could. She made waves.

Knowing that the teachers were going to say something to Shelby at some point that day, she decided just not to go. It was her choice; one of the only ones she actually got to make. So Friday morning, after making her way into school with her mother hot on her heels, Rachel scattered. As soon as she was out of Shelby's sight, she went to find Puck. Once she did that, it was easy to convince him to go somewhere with her; anywhere. People would've assumed Puck was the bad influence, and sometimes he was, but it was like all her good qualities were rubbing off on him and she turned into the bad influence. He only skipped when she asked. Sure, he misbehaved all on his own, but nothing serious. It was her…

She really did suck…

"Where do you want to go?"

"Well, Shelby's at school… Do you… Do you want to go to her house? Beth's with Casey during the day until she starts her new job, so we'd have it all to ourselves." She was trying to be seductive. "Mr. Schue has some meeting today so there's no glee. We can watch movies… Maybe make out in my room. You can take me to my dance class, and then we can go make out some more." She was definitely presenting him with an enticing offer.

"What if Shelby finds out? Won't you get in trouble?"

"Haven't you heard?" He shook his head no in confusion. "I'm already in trouble. Shelby is undoubtedly going to ground me tonight, so this might be our last chance to be just us for a while."

"What'd you do?"

"Is that really important right now?" She questioned. Was he turning her down? Was she really as unattractive as she felt?

"No." He laughed in response, planting a soft kiss on her lips. "After you." He held open the door for her as they got into his car.

Shelby would not be happy. And, for once, Rachel really didn't care. She was so tired of playing by the rules. She was so tired of being the good girl. She didn't want to be the part anymore. She just wanted to be. Just for one day… She'd be the good girl again tomorrow… She'd have to be if she ever wanted out of the house again, but for the few hours of freedom she knew she had left, she was going to use them to her advantage.

I didn't take long for them to get back to the house where Rachel promptly let them in. From the moment they stepped out of the car to the end of the day, their lips barely left each other. Most of the day was spent cuddling on her bed. She wouldn't let him go any further. She didn't want him to feel the fat that she gained back. She didn't want him to feel the new cuts on her skin. And though she yearned for his touch, she couldn't fathom the idea of more. There were too many risks involved with that and she couldn't handle those again. So it was strictly rated a strong PG-13. Make outs and a little feeling over the clothes.

Shelby wouldn't see it so innocently.

"What time," kiss, "is Shelby," another kiss, "supposed to be home?"

"Four or five. I don't know. Later."

"Ok." He wasn't in a position to say more. He had his hot ass girlfriend lying on top of him, making out with him, and, while he would've liked more, a small part of him was happy she didn't want to do anything else. It was a nice change for him; like she was making him take it "slow." He wasn't used to it, but he liked it… with her. Even so, and even though he knew he shouldn't have brought it up, there was something he needed to ask.

"Have you done anything else since…?" He left it open ended.

She pulled away from him and sat beside him with a questioning look. "What are you talking about Noah?"

He reached for her hand and held it delicately, like a glass sculpture he was afraid to drop. "Have you done it again?"

"What? Noah, I said I wouldn't. I haven't." He wanted to believe her, but the light in her eyes, the one he hadn't seen in so long, seemed even darker than usual. She looked better. Sure, she still looked like she gained another forty pounds, but she definitely put on a little weight. She was tiny before. He always felt it, but it never really mattered in those moments. And he was aware that on such a small frame, a little gain could appear to be more, but however much it was, it was a start. And he was proud of her. He just wouldn't mention it. The few times he brought up the subject of food and weight, she freaked. He learned not to do it again. But, when he saw the slight changes, when he learned she was talking with a professional, he assumed it would be taken care of. That didn't mean he wasn't worried though. The cutting thing just scared him more. He witnessed that so it was realer for him.

"Can I see?" He didn't ask to piss her off, though that seemed to be where they were headed. "The scar. Can I see it?" He wanted to see it, and maybe make sure she was telling the truth.

She ripped her hand away from him like his touch was a scorpion ready to release its poison. "No Noah. I'd prefer it if you didn't look."

"Why?"

"It's… it's embarrassing." That wasn't a lie. "It's not something I want you to see. And I really rather we never discuss it again."

"Scars are sexy babe. I just want to see it."

"I said no Noah!" It came out angry and vile and she found that she couldn't really control her outbursts most days, but she knew then that she had to calm herself down, "Are we going to sit here and argue about a silly little scar or are we going to continue?"

His response, although with a weary face, was to sit up and take control. Placing a kiss on her neck, he pushed her deeper into the bed and gave her an answer. He didn't like when she pulled away from him like that; hid parts of her she didn't need to. But what was he to do? He was working on helping her. He and Santana were doing all they could. They sat with her at lunches when she showed; even got Kurt to get out of his happy relationship bubble and hang out with them. And Quinn wasn't being much of a bitch to her at all. When they snuck off together he always tried to give her some of that candy and chocolate she liked so much. She seemed happier and better, but she was also not his Rachel yet. She still wasn't herself.

He'd figure it out and he'd get her there. He wasn't the brightest in any subject and relationships weren't his strong suit, but Rachel was important to him. He trusted her and he hoped she trusted him. So he gave her the space she needed and backed off. The smile was worth it. It had to be enough because he wanted her to be alright so badly. He wanted to believe the lies she told just like everyone else. So, like everyone else, he bought into it and turned a blind eye. She was ok. She was happy. It was a onetime thing… Ignorance was bliss. Plus, he loved making out with her. He was a dude, sue him…

They were there all day, oblivious to the world around them. So oblivious, in fact, that they didn't hear the car pull in or the door slam shut. They didn't hear the angry footsteps rushing up the stairs or the clicking heels moving toward them. All they heard was their own breath and the sucking noises that came from their intimacy. There was no room for anything else in their heads. They were intent to ignore it all.

"Get out." It started calmly, but it was enough to break the teens apart. "Puck, get out of my house before I force you out." He stood frozen. Coach Corcoran scared the shit out of him. "Get out now! Do not make me count. If I have to start counting so help me God…"

"Leave him alone Shelby. We weren't doing anything wrong." That was her defense; and a poor one at that.

"It's ok Rach." He saw the brewing battle. Shelby was ready to blow and Rachel was getting worked up. He didn't want to be there for the eruption. "Bye babe." He moved to her then whispered in her ear, "Call me." Then he leaned in for a kiss.

"Enough. Get out!" He didn't have to be told again. He was out, scurrying away as fast as he could. At least he didn't have to use the window. That really would've sucked. He was a little amazed that Rachel saw it all coming. Yeah, he wasn't going to be taking her on dates any time soon.

"What is your problem Shelby?" Rachel got off her bed and moved toward the older woman. "You can't just ruin everything for me."

"You have five minutes to get ready Rachel. I'm taking you to dance. Be in the car in five minutes. If I have to come get you, you can kiss the recital goodbye." Shelby didn't once look at her. She was fuming and she knew if she so much as looked toward her daughter she'd let loose. After a hard day and after learning a few facts she never wanted to hear, she wasn't in the mood to come home and find her teenage daughter being fondled by McKinley's biggest man whore. So she told Rachel to be in the car and left the room.

She sat in the car trying to get control over herself. "1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10." Wasn't counting to ten supposed to help? "11. 12. 13…" It wasn't. She was still burning at volcanic levels. It was not ok. Nothing about that day was ok.

Less than five minutes later Rachel was in the car, Shelby still wasn't calm. She wasn't sure what she was feeling. Maybe numb? The anger and sadness and everything was just too overwhelming that she was just numb? She wasn't really sure. But Rachel slamming the car door did nothing to help matters. Seatbelts on, car ready, Shelby's fingers wrapped around the wheel so tight the blood couldn't circulate, and they were off.

A silent Shelby was a scary Shelby… Rachel didn't realize that until that very moment. Her mother said nothing as they drove. She didn't look at her. She barely moved. She was in so much trouble. And that last mood swing in her room, she figured, made things worse. "Shelby, I'm sorry about…"

"Shut up Rachel." Shelby hissed, her hands squeezing even tighter.

"What?" She was confused. Was she doing something wrong? "I was just going to apolo…"

"Shut. Up. Rachel. Just shut up. I don't want to hear it."

"But."

"I don't want to hear one word from you for the rest of the night." Because if she did, she was seriously considering releasing the filter, releasing the little control she had over her actions and letting loose. One slap wasn't child abuse, right? "You are not going to open your mouth again. We are going to dance. You will get out of the car. When it is over, I will be in the parking lot in the exact spot I'm pulling into now. As soon as you are dismissed, you come into the car without a word, no idling about. And in here, you will say nothing. And when we get home. You will go straight to your room, shower and get into pajamas." She huffed and looked toward Rachel, holding the last breath just to be safe. "Is that understood?" No answer. Not good. "I asked you a question Rachel! Is that understood?!"

"Yes… Yes ma'am." She was scared. Petrified. Oh, the decisions she was making were just one catastrophe in the making after another.

"Good. Get out."

"What?"

"Get out of the car. Go to dance, just go. Get out. Go." Before she lost it, because she was close…

Rachel was scared enough that even through the shock, she listened. She never saw Shelby quite so… Was there a word for it? She was angry. That was clear. But she was also so very calm. And that was worse. Rachel couldn't read that… So she got out of there and nervously made her way through dance. It was not a good end to her day.

Shelby remained in the car, doing her best to keep breathing. "In and out." She reminded herself. "In and out." But no amount of counting to ten and deep breathing exercises were helping. They wouldn't because her life was too much of a mess. Her daughter was too much of a mess. They had been ignoring things for too long, taking the easy route and hoping for things to resolve on their own, but that was over. Oh, was it over. Shelby Corcoran may have been an easy mother to her estranged daughter. She let her get away with more than she should've and allowed things to happen that she wouldn't dream of allowing with Beth. But it was over. Mama Shelby was out and Coach Corcoran was moving in. There were no more games.

Neither woman could tell if time was moving too slowly or much too fast. And neither was ready to face the other, but time was up. Time was up and Rachel was, honestly, too scared not to listen and head straight for the car. She was all for making the mess, but lying in it afterward wasn't something she was used to dealing with. She had no clue what to expect from the version of Shelby she had before her. So, as gently as she could, she got into the car, closed the door, and put on her seatbelt. Walking on eggshells was no fun. What if she broke them?

Again, nothing was said. She actually hoped for some yelling; at least then she'd know what to do and what to expect, but nothing ever came. She waited for permission to do anything, even get out of the car. Rachel followed her like an obedient puppy into the house and waited for direction. With a simple hand gesture, still silent, Shelby gave a firm point to the top of the stairs and Rachel knew to follow orders. To her room she went… At least she got out of dinner though. That was a major plus in her book. If groundings meant going to bed without supper, she would've put herself into time out the moment she stepped through that door. Just, not to the extent of the situation she currently found herself. She didn't see any fun in her future. And it was her fault. But at least she found a bright spot in it all. She got to miss dinner and lunch, and she got rid of breakfast. So there'd be no worrying that night; not about food anyway. But she was far from calm. No, she was looking for the closest sharp object as soon as the door closed. And she found it…

Downstairs, Shelby went straight to her office, bypassing the kitchen where she knew her sister was with Beth and locking the door behind her. The hours in the car weren't enough to get her calm. She didn't know what a few minutes alone in her office were going to do, but she had to try. It seemed like the longer she was left alone with her thoughts, the angrier she became. She wished she knew how to change that, but there didn't seem to be a solution. There didn't seem to be an easy fix for everything that was wrong.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to yell. She wanted to physically harm her daughter. And until that last one went away, she couldn't go anywhere near Rachel. She really didn't know if she would do it; if Rachel said something or moved wrong if she'd hit her… She thought she might. Her hands were ringing her hair, practically pulling it right out of her head. She was stressed. So very, very stressed…

"Shelby, are you in there?" Casey asked as she gently knocked on the door. She couldn't answer. Speaking in that moment would lead to tears or screams and neither one was appropriate for her sister. "Shelby?" She asked again. Moving toward the door, she unlocked it and moved away again. "Shelby are you alright?" She still didn't answer, just walked about sighing and huffing and counting and trying really hard not to explode. "Shelby, you're scaring me. Do I need to call mom?"

"I don't know what to do anymore." She finally spoke after minutes of nothing.

"What's going on Shelby?"

"I don't know if I can do it."

"Do what?" Casey was trying to follow, but there wasn't much in the way of clues.

"She's out of control."

"Rachel?"

"She's just… and I…"

"What did she do this time?"

Collecting herself as best she could, she looked to Casey and spoke. "After skipping my class this morning, her teachers asked to meet with me during our lunch period."

"Which teachers?"

"All of them Casey. All of her teachers wanted to meet with me and not one of them had good news."

"What did they have to say?" Casey asked with concern; concern for both of her relatives.

"She's behind. I mean really behind. Her homework has been sloppy and that's on the rare occasion it's actually turned in. I don't know what to do. Things were better. I thought they were getting better." Her voice was cracking. She thought she was doing right by Rachel. Apparently, she was wrong…

"They are Shelby. They are. She's just looking for another outlet. We've taken away the rest. She can't exercise as much. We keep her at the table for as long as we can after meals. We took it all away and she's acting out."

"Well, it's not ok. Nothing is ok. I can't… And she…" There were a lot of half thoughts and rambling, but Casey followed for the most part.

"What are you going to do about it?"

"I sent her to her room."

"And…?"

"And when I cool down, I'm going to go talk to her."

"What are you going to say?"

"I don't know. I don't know…" She sighed, her hands rubbing at her temples. "I have no clue what to say. Skipping classes, bad grades… I caught her with a boy in her room…"

"Oh, a boy? Which boy?"

"Her boyfriend apparently." She said with disgust, the sight of her sister's small smile annoying her more. "Casey, you're not supposed to be excited about that. I caught them on her bed…"

"Having sex!?" She quickly interrupted; her smile gone.

"About to be…"

"Were clothes off?"

"No Casey, they were completely dressed. That's so not the point. She knows the rules and she broke all of them." Shelby was pacing, walking circles around the room enough to make Casey dizzy.

"Have you said anything to her?"

"No." Shelby stilled. "No, I haven't said much, because right now… If I try to talk to her, I might kill her. And I don't think either of us are capable of hiding her body. You'll crack under the pressure and lead the cops in my direction."

"Shelby…"

"No." She was breaking. The tears that she didn't even know were there were beginning to fall. "I don't know what to do about any of this. She was better. The psychologist said she was talking. She was doing the work. What happened?"

"I wish I had the answers Shel, but I don't."

"This ends now." Shelby said abruptly, sobering up the moment. Her body tensed, the tears were pushed away. She was in action mode; that was not good.

"What does that mean Shelby?"

"This ends. No more of any of it."

"What are you planning?" She didn't even want to listen anymore.

"First, I'm going to kill her…"

Sitting on the stairs, head tilted back onto the wall, Rachel let herself drift and drown out the voices. She heard enough, and she didn't like any of it. They were trying to change her. But she didn't want to be changed. And she didn't know how much they knew, but they knew enough. She liked what she knew; what she relied on in her life was all she knew. There were certain things she could count on. Giving sacrifice to the porcelain god on a daily basis was one of them.

She remembered the first time, the first time she made herself throw up. Most people remembered their first kiss and first dance and important things like that. And she remembered all those too, but, to her, that first time was more important. It was a defining moment. It was a moment that changed the course of her life and led her down the path she was traveling. It was a dangerous slide into a messy world, but she was so dependent on it. And it was a feeling she wasn't willing to give up. They were trying to take that all away from her. How could she let them?

The answer was that she didn't. She didn't and wouldn't let them take any of it from her because that was the equivalent of sawing off a healthy limb for sport. It just wasn't done; unless it involved a psychopath and that would be a different story completely. The thing was she couldn't let them take away the only thing she trusted; the only thing she knew to rely on.

She'd just have to find other ways. And she had other ways. Yes, she got in trouble. And yes, Shelby was putting her in lockdown, but that never stopped her before…

They wanted to help her, but they were only making things worse. She didn't want help. She didn't need help. And she wasn't going to be accepting it either. That was something they'd all have to accept themselves.

Until then, she could hear the footsteps approaching and took that as her cue to skedaddle. She was in enough trouble without disobeying direct orders. It was not going to be fun…

I'm sorry for the long wait. My dog died, life got busy, and well, does it really matter? It's here now.

Next chapter's the beginning of… something. You have to read to find out what it is.

Happy holidays everyone. I had a great, semi uplifting, Christmas message, but since I had to re-upload this again after, well, I hope everyone's holidays were merry and great. Let's go with that. Happy New Year. 2012 sucked, so here's to a better 2013! See you then…

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guest 1) I was happy I updated too! Sorry this one took so long. Hope you're still enjoying this tale. 2) Long is good right? I prefer longer chapters. I need to work on the ASAP though. Sorry. 3) I did update. But this site and all things technology hate me. I'm sorry I killed you :) but no more dying, it's here. 4) Either, both, neither. I don't know what exactly happened, but I'm sorry for the confusion and craziness. This chapter was supposed to be out before Christmas. 5) Happy holidays to you too my friend. May 2013 bring nothing but good.

majestic seahorse Jesse doesn't really have much of a place in this story. I originally planned a bigger subplot for him, but I didn't have the room for it. However, I think he shows up one or two more times. I'm not sure yet. So maybe you'll get your wish.

Just Me It is heartbreaking, but that's the reality of eating disorders. I'm very happy to find you think it's fantastic. I will work on updating quicker. I really do try.

CarolineSC Thank you! Hope this one is just as good in your book.

Tzsia87 The ball definitely starts rolling next chapter. Keep in mind that I said I wanted a realistic resolution. Those take times. And they're not always pretty. Make of that what you will. It all begins to clear the path to resolution next chapter. The one after that… well, wait for it and see.

ozftw You have read that chapter before. Sorry. But it was edited. Some things were added, but nothing really of significance. Hope you keep enjoying it as the journey begins to wind down. We're almost there.

MakingLuck101 That's a wonderful compliment, thank you very much. Keep reading, I think what happens next is… I don't know the right word for it. Exciting seems wrong…


	36. The Hard Fall

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

Chapter 36: The Hard Fall

May changed everything. The Corcoran household was not the same. Rules were stricter. No one was really happy, but they all pretended to be because that was what they were good at. That was how they survived. That was the only way they knew how to be. And they were good at it; a family of actors they were.

Things still felt a little up in the air. They were trying, and trying was the key word, but they didn't really seem to make much progress. Their communication was nearly nonexistent. They simply were; two souls living in the same house sharing the same space. Beth seemed oblivious to all. And good for her. Rachel wished that naivety was something she still possessed. Instead, she had to live in the flux. She had to bite her tongue when in the wicked witch's presence, and she had to be monitored…

They even went to a joint therapy session. That was not fun at all. In fact, it was horrible and uncomfortable and any other acronym of the like. They were tense and in need of assistance that Casey couldn't provide. "You need to do this." She said. "I can't help with this. There's only so much peacemaking one woman can do and you two make it incredibly hard." Casey knew how to get to them. "Do it for me. Please. I can't take this." Rachel had a soft spot for her aunt. So she huffed out a, "fine."

But it was still disastrous. Awkward and terrible were the best two words to describe it. That session really changed nothing. It might even have made things worse.

_Shelby and Rachel both sat in silence on opposite ends of Dr. Matten's couch, each with matching scowls and hands crossed at the chest._

"_Who would like to begin?" Asked Dr. Matten after about ten minutes of their juvenile behavior. They just sat there in a tizzy, neither willing to speak first. That would be giving in and neither was submissive enough to do it. The doctor had talked to Rachel first for a few minutes, then Shelby, and then brought them together for the last half hour of the session. It was clear they had a lot to work through and they needed to do it together. "Shelby, why don't you start?"_

"_I don't even know where to start." Shelby admitted, relaxing a little as she let the therapist guide her. _

"_Why don't we start with what we talked about earlier? Tell Rachel about what's been going on in your mind."_

_Turning to an unmoved Rachel, Shelby exhaled. Talking with her own flesh and blood shouldn't have been such a chore. "I don't like your behavior."_

"_Well, I don't like yours." Rachel quipped. The littlest things were setting them both off. Obviously, it didn't take much to bring out the fireworks._

_Turning to Dr. Matten, Shelby asked, "Do you see what I'm talking about? This is what I deal with. That's what she chooses to say. She barely says anything and when she does, it's chalk full of attitude. She's insolent and… and…" _

"_And what Shelby? What am I?"_

"_You're…" There were a string of words she could've used but had the sense of mind not to. Instead, she took a different route that was equally as destructive. "You're out of control. You're temperamental. You're moody and crazy and insolent…" _

"_Yeah, you mentioned that one already."_

"…_and stubborn and petulant and…"_

"_Let's talk about you Shelby. What kind of person are you?" Rachel talked over Shelby as her mother continued to list every single character she could think of. Dr. Matten was quickly losing control of the session. "You're no better. Beth this and Beth that… I'm this and I'm that…"_

_They went on and on. There was no back and forth, just continued verbal abuse spouted at each other rather than communicated to each other. There were calls of, "Rachel," and a few of, "Shelby." There was even a few for them to please stop and to calm down, but they all went unheard by the duo. Matten preferred the organized chaos and rarely did she lose control of her sessions, but as much as she didn't like it, it may have been needed. _

"_Let's face it. While you may be gifted in voice and acting ability, your skills with family needs some work. You push away everyone that isn't Beth; so basically everyone actually biologically your family and…"_

"_And God, Rachel, you're just so… so infuriating… I don't know how much more I can take… I don't know if I can do this…" The thought drifted as the room moved back into silence. _

"_Do what Shelby?" Dr. Matten asked happy to finally have some decorum. They were getting somewhere. _

"_Yes Shelby, please tell us. What can't you do? You can't be here and do this or you can't deal with me?"_

"_Ugh, damn it Rachel! Nothing I ever say to you is right. Nothing is ever good enough for you."_

"_Enough. Both of you need to realize this is not the right way to deal with your problems. You need to communicate with each other and see the other's point of view. You can't do that by yelling at each other."_

Things didn't get better from there. It was more of ignoring Matten and arguing with each other. That was all that happened until the doctor said, "Time's up." Both women swore they heard a, "thank god," thrown in there at the end. They couldn't blame her either. They were saying it too. Theirs just had a few expletives to cushion it. They wanted out of there. And they left, silently and separated. They left looking anywhere but at each other, in a defensive stance, and at least ten feet away from the other at all times.

So much for the communication thing. Going there did nothing for them. It changed nothing. It did nothing but push them deeper into a stalemate. So terrible seemed an appropriate adjective to describe that meeting of the minds. Rachel was sure to be extra mean to Casey the next time she saw her after suggesting such a thing. A mother-daughter therapy session; heinous and cruel… They just went from constantly yelling and fighting with each other to complete and utter avoidance when possible. But it wasn't very possible. Shelby made sure of that. So instead, it was just quiet; a not so kind quiet.

The house was like a prison, and Rachel was still serving her sentence. Dealing with an angry Shelby at her worst was not fun and not something Rachel took lightly. Punishment was doled out shortly after the day she was caught with Noah and, for the most part, it was upheld ever since. Shelby wasn't lenient unless it was to her benefit. Rachel had to admit, though, she was actually scared that day. Sure, she didn't think that Shelby was going to see them making out in her room. She wasn't supposed to be home then. And, she didn't worry much about being caught because she didn't think it would end quite the way it did, but she was sure that if, no when, she did it again, she definitely wouldn't get caught… That day sucked.

"_Shelby, I'm so sorr…" She had to say something. After being called down to her own execution and watching Shelby pace at dizzying speeds, she had to. Or she thought she did, but Shelby had other ideas. Shelby wanted wordlessness. _

"_Shut up." She couldn't even bring herself to say her daughter's name. It was like a poison on her tongue. "I need you to just keep your mouth shut." There was no arguing. Even Rachel knew better than that as she cowered away, moving as deep into the arm of the couch as she could. _

"_Bu…" Knowing and doing were two separate concepts._

"_What did I just say?!" She snapped, stilling her motions as she towered over Rachel's seated form. "What the hell was that Rachel? You know the rules. I don't ask very much of you. All I want is a little respect in this house. My house. My home." She was pacing again, her voice raised. "And you come in and destroy everything!" She regretted that the moment it came out, but she couldn't stop. She just kept going."You come into my home and tear it down piece by piece until I'm literally going crazy. What's wrong with you?"_

"_Nothing…"Fighting back tears, Rachel practically whispered the word before Shelby interrupted. _

"_Something is wrong Rachel." Shelby insisted. "I don't know where we went wrong or what I did, but you're not you anymore."_

_Rachel stood abruptly. "How would you know?"_

"_Excuse me?" She hissed._

"_How would you know if I'm different? Maybe I'm exactly the same as I always was and you're the one who's different. You don't know me!" She huffed. "You don't know anything about me!" She tried to storm off, but Shelby fiercely gripped her upper arm. _

"_Sit down." Shelby demanded with a bite in her tone. "We're not done here."_

"_You might not be, but I am. I'm done." Rachel said as she tried to pull away, but her mother's grip was too tight and her body wasn't strong enough for the fight._

"_Too bad. I'm not. Now sit." She pushed Rachel to the couch. If she wasn't so angry, she would've noticed just how small Rachel's arms had become, how her hand fit around it. _

"_I don't want to sit."_

"_And I don't want to have to find you in bed with a delinquent, but that happened. We all have to do things we don't want to do. So get over it."_

"_Shelby I really am…"She quickly became passive. She was sorry that Shelby saw them, mostly._

"_I don't care if you're sorry Rachel." Her name came out like a curse word. "Did you have sex with him?" That brought the anger to an abrupt halt; instead, they were shocked into a confused silence. _

"_Wha… what?" Her face was blushed as embarrassment flooded her. Shelby was not asking her that right? Did she expect honesty?_

"_Did you and Puck have sex?"_

"_I… I… I thought you wanted me to shut up." She wanted to be told to shut up. That was better. That was easier._

"_When I ask you a question, I expect an answer." Shelby just hovered over her daughter, standing in front of her to lock her in her place on the couch; no chance for escape."Did you sleep with him?" She repeated the question, emphasizing each word like it was its own sentence. _

"_Why are you asking me this?" She shook her head. "Why do you even care?" She wanted to cry. She wanted to yell and scream and fight. But, mostly, she just wanted to escape. She wanted out of there and away from the fury that was radiating off of her mother with just enough concern thrown in to make her feel a little, a little wrong. She hadn't felt that way before. There were moments she felt guilty, but there and then she felt so out of bounds. She did worse, yet it wasn't until that moment that something hit her and she wasn't sure what it was._

"_Damn it Rachel. Why don't you get it?" Shelby moved over to sit next to Rachel, her hands clenched tightly in fists and her breathing very calculated. She was counting. "I need you to answer my question Rachel. Did you sleep with Puck?"_

"_Nuh… No." It wasn't exactly a lie. She didn't sleep with him; not then. There were no plans for sex then. Why was Shelby doing that to her? Why couldn't she just yell and call it over?_

"_You didn't?" She was relieved and surprised and wasn't sure if she should believe it But it the end, she did. She needed to believe it. _

"_No. I did not sleep with Noah." Firm, strong, and semi false… That sounded about right. _

"_Ok." She was still counting in her head. It was a necessary evil, but she was closing in on one thousand and she still felt the rage bubbling within. "What was he even doing here?" Did she not see the answer to that question? It seemed obvious enough. In truth, Shelby wasn't looking for a response to that. It was, indeed, clear what they were doing, but it was a thought she just happened to voice. She knew they were friends. All the glee members were friends. But her daughter and Puck… Really? She was totally ignoring the fact that Casey ever even floated the idea of Rachel being pregnant or ever having sex. Those were blank spots in her memory. She was trying really hard to just take what Rachel was saying at face value. It was harder than it should've been, but she was taking it in stride._

"_Uh…"_

"_I thought you liked Finn Rachel."_

_Yeah, Finn who cheated on her time and again with Quinn, slept with Santana, and nearly molested her face at a party because he was drunk and wanted a kiss… What a catch… What wasn't there to like about him? "I did." _

"_What happened there? Why choose Puck?"_

"_Why does any of this matter? Can I go to my room?" If the yelling was over, then so was the talking. She wanted out. So she stood again and attempted to leave. Shelby wasn't allowing it that time either. _

"_Sit down." She commanded as she pulled Rachel back. If her daughter wanted a fight, she was going to give her one. She was trying to be even tempered, trying to keep herself calm, but she was just barely managing it. The more Rachel pushed her, the more on edge she became. _

"_I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to sit here and talk about boys or anything. Not with you. I just want to go to my room!" She didn't know if it was the racing of her heart and the adrenaline or the sheer panic and worry she was feeling, but she just snapped. She was actually yelling when Shelby was attempting not to. Of course she was. Rachel always made a bad situation worse. "I just want you to leave me alone!" So she kept going._

"_Ok, we'll get back to the boy situation later. Right now, we need to discuss a few other things whether you want to or not." Her voice wasn't calm, but she wasn't yelling either. Well, she was, just not loudly. It was a mild yell and it was just as, if not more so, intimidating. "Sit your ass down Rachel or I'll make you sit." She knew it wasn't a threat. No, threats meant that it might not happen. Shelby was promising her trouble if she didn't sit. So she sat; reluctantly, but she sat as far away from her mother as she could._

"_Happy now?" She jeered. "I'm sitting."_

"_Cut the attitude Rachel. I'm sick of this. It stops now. We have rules for a reason. And you're going to follow them." Her voice was firm and commanding. "Your teachers tell me you haven't been doing your work."_

"_Well, they're lying to you." It came out louder than she anticipated. She wanted it to sound convincing and less angry. What business was it of theirs to talk to her about anything? "I always do my work. Maybe they've misplaced it."_

"_I highly doubt that Rachel." Remain calm, she reminded herself; calm… "You've been missing classes too. Is this what you do? You come here and make out with random boys?"_

"_Noah is not a random boy and what I do is not your concern!"_

"_It is Rachel! It is my concern. You're my daughter. I am the parent here. This is my house. My rules." She hated that she was sounding like her own mother. She promised herself that would never be her. "And as long as you live here, you will follow them." She became more aggressive in her approach. She had been passive for too long and it got her nowhere. There needed to be a bit more bite to her bark. Apparently, she was going to be forced to try her bite a lot sooner than she planned. _

"_Maybe I don't want to live here! I never wanted to live here!" The calm they were trying to keep was quickly escalating._

_The urge to shake some sense into her daughter and that feeling that she just wanted to slap her and make her see what was there for her made Shelby want space between them. They were no good to each other like that. She needed a few more hours to stew. "Go pack a bag Rachel."_

"_You're kicking me out?" Where would she go? What would she do? What had she done?_

"_Pack your pajamas and whatever you need for tonight and tomorrow. Then get into the car." She wouldn't look at her. She wouldn't even breathe in the same direction as her daughter. Even the littlest things would set her off. A simple eye roll would've earned Rachel a nice red handprint on her cheek or Shelby might've had to try out that age old over the knee thing her own mother swore by. "Please Rachel, just go…" She was pleading, a begging quality in her tone that Rachel rarely, if ever, heard in Shelby's voice. It only made her madder. _

"_Where am I going?"_

"_Go get your bag Rachel. You're going to your aunt's tonight." Forever if Casey wanted… Shelby just wanted it done. She was barely ready for a normal teenager and Rachel was anything but. She prepared herself for the attention hungry mini me Rachel always appeared to be. The reality was something she was so unprepared for. It was something she didn't know how to or ever anticipated needing to handle. _

"_Trying to get rid of me? Fine, I don't want to be here anyway. Maybe I'll never come back." Throwing that out there wasn't such a bad thing. She was considering it. If she thought there was a place for her somewhere else, she would've been long gone already. But there was nowhere. Any home she ever had now housed a new family that didn't include her. Anyplace she once felt at ease only held some sort of reminder of the failure she had become. So she had no choice but to stay exactly where she was; stuck…"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"_

"_Right now, yes." It was emotionless, still avoidant, though her hand was itching to strike. _

"_Just never see me again. Isn't that what you always wanted?"_

_Shelby stopped Rachel from continuing to her room, her hand wrapping around the thin arm once more. That was the only thing she could do. She needed Rachel to hear what she had to say; to really hear it. "That is not what I want." There were too many emotions in both of their eyes. Neither was in the right place to be having any real conversation. "Angry or not, I will always want you here."_

_Snatching her arm back, Rachel stared at her, not allowing herself to see the truth in the words. "Well, I hate you. You know?" Rachel said as she walked away. It was quiet. She didn't know whether she wanted Shelby to hear or not. She wanted her to hurt as much as she did. She wanted her to feel the pain she had been carrying in her heart, but a part of her didn't want Shelby to hear. In the moment she may have meant it. There were times she believed she hated Shelby, but, surprisingly, that wasn't one of them. Then, she just wondered if she ruined the only bit of "family" she had left. But maybe… maybe pushing them away was for the best. She didn't need them. In the end, they wouldn't want her anyway. She shouldn't ever get used to it… It was for the best._

"_Well, I love you Rachel." Shelby spoke to the empty room. "And one day you'll understand why I do what I do… One day…"_

Twenty minutes later, Rachel, silent except for the slamming of doors and stomping of feet, rushed to the car and to her aunt's. She said nothing, no goodbye to Shelby or hello to Casey, just stood there as the adults talked until Casey told her she could head up to the room. Nothing else was shared or said. There was a lot of nothing. The next day was when the punishment was given. Both of their heads were a mess. If she really thought about it, Casey's was too. She wanted to swoop in and be the broom that swept up the debris they were leaving behind, but it wasn't a disaster she could just clean. She loved having Rachel with her. Her husband did too. And she had no qualms with letting Rachel stay with her indefinitely, but that wouldn't fix things. That distance wouldn't make their hearts grow fonder, just their issues greater. That wasn't ok. It was something that needed to be worked on and she wanted to help as best she could, but even she was at a loss.

"_Has she said anything to you at all?"_

"_No." Casey answered solemnly. She didn't know how to help either of them. "Once you and Beth left, she just went up to the room and hasn't come out since."_

"_Not once?" _ _Casey should've been happy that she could finally hear the massive amount of concern she had been waiting for, but, if she did feel it, it was short lived. She didn't want the need to be concerned._

"_Not once. I tried to talk to her, but the door was locked. Normally, I wouldn't accept that, but I figured that she needed the time. I tried to get her down for breakfast and then lunch, but nothing."_

"_Are you sure she's even in there? Maybe she snuck out. Apparently, it wouldn't be the first time."_

"_She's in there Shelby. She's not crazy enough to jump that far. There's no trellis or tree or any sort of help to get down from that room."_

"_I'd like to believe that."_

"_She's upset. So are you. It's understandable. Come sit for a while."_

"_I think I should just get her home and get this over with."_

"_Get what over with? You never did tell me what happened last night. You just called in a frenzy and asked if Rachel could stay the night. What happened?"_

"_We didn't get much talking done." After filling Casey in on the very unproductive meeting of the divas, she, with moisture in her eyes, quietly said, "She told me she hated me Casey. And there were times where I felt that was true, but I told myself it was just in my head. Hearing it… Hearing it out loud broke my heart. It's broken and I don't know if it can be put back together."_

"_It can and it will." Casey moved closer, pulling her sister into a one armed hug and comfortingly rubbing her back. "All kids say that. Danny said it to me when he was a kid. Beth will say it at some point too. All children do it. That doesn't mean they mean it."_

"_It's different with Rachel. She means it. She hates me." _

"_No… No sweetie, she doesn't. She loves you; she just doesn't know how to love you. She's making up for nearly 17 years without you, all the fights you missed out on and tantrums you missed. She's trying to fit it all in this small amount of time. But she loves you whether she knows it or not."_

"_I doubt it." Shelby sniffled. _

"_Listen to me Shelby. This is just another thing you can add to a long list of things that will eventually come back to her; the many wonderful moments of parenthood that no one ever tells you about. One day you're going to look back and say, 'you did that to me and now it's your turn.' You'll be the person she turns to when her own children tell her they hate her."_

"_It's the worst feeling in the world. I just… I don't know what to do anymore."_

"_Everything is going to be ok." Casey was trying to be the mediator, the know all fix all, but she wasn't sure that statement was true. With their newest family member, it seemed that every time things looked good, they took a turn for the south. So, however many times she said it, she couldn't be sure that everything would turn out ok. But she could hope and that had to be enough for now. Hope and faith were all they really had."Take a deep breath, wipe that ugliness and doubt off your face, and I'll go get Rachel."_

"_Yeah, you do that…"_

"_Hey," Casey started, a reassuring hand on Shelby's shoulder, "things will get better. Just give it time. And remember, I'm always here for you. Whenever you need me, for whatever, I'm here. And if you need me to take her from time to time, I will."_

"_Remember you said that when I send her back here tonight to keep me from murdering her in her sleep."_

"_What's tonight?"_

"_Let's just say, things are changing in the Corcoran household and Rachel will not be happy about it."_

"_I meant it Shelby. I'm always here for both of you." After that, she went to get the ill-tempered Rachel from one of the spare rooms and left Shelby to spruce herself up a bit._

_Casey knocked on the door several times, hoping she was right and Rachel was still in there. Her efforts that morning, that whole day really, to get her to come out for a meal weren't her best tries, but she did try and Rachel didn't ever give her any response. If she didn't hear the girl walking around from time to time, she likely would've agreed with Shelby's assumption that she snuck out. She braced herself for that possible reality. "Rachel, it's Casey. Your mother's here to take you home."_

_That was enough to get Rachel to open the door. "She is not my mother and that is not my home."_

"_Easy Rachel. Down girl. Think what you want, but she is your mother and she cares about you. So go easy on her ok. You're both having a hard time. But skipping classes and sneaking boys into the house isn't ok. Listen to what she has to say ok? Be good, please… We all need a break and things are hard and you're going to get grounded, but you have to see that what you've been doing is wrong. Right?" More than just wrong… It was dangerous. But that wasn't what they were talking about; not directly. _

"_Can I go now?"_

"_One more thing." Casey said before Rachel could get too far._

"_Yes?"_

"_I love you Rachel, and no matter what, you're not going to push us away. I'm always going to be here. Whenever ok? If you feel like things are too much at your house, just tell Shelby you're coming to me and I will make sure she's ok with it."_

_Rachel hesitated before finally nodding and saying, "Ok."_

_But trying for Casey's sake only went so far and Rachel and Shelby were in for a bumpy ride. As soon as they got home, Shelby told Rachel to sit down and stay put in the kitchen before leaving to put Beth in her playpen up in her room; away from the danger zone._

_Rachel decided to give that one to Shelby. She stayed in her seat like a good little girl and waited for mommy. She told herself to one day inform Shelby she owed her big sister a thank you for so many things; that small victory one of them. Patiently, she sat there. She knew she would get in trouble. She assumed she'd be grounded. She didn't, however, anticipate just how far Shelby was going to go._

_Shelby decided to waste no time as she entered the room and immediately sat across from her daughter. "Why are you skipping classes Rachel?" She decided to jump right in. They needed to just get it over with. Rip the band aid right off…_

"_I'm not." She lied._

"_Stop it Rachel, stop lying to me. Just tell me why. Why don't you go to class? Why don't you do your work? Why?"_

"_I do go to class and I do, do my work. Maybe all my teachers are just like you."_

"_What does that mean?"_

"_Maybe they just don't notice or think about me. Maybe I'm just in their imagination for years until they meet me an immediately write me off because I'm not good enough."_

"_Is that really what you think Rachel?" She expected anger from Shelby, not compassion. She could work with the former. The latter was just confusing. _

"_It doesn't matter how I feel. I'm tired. Can I go to my room now? I promise not to miss anymore classes, though that is not an admission to my being absent from any classes without your knowledge, and I will do my work to a more satisfactory level. Does that mean we're done?"_

"_No Rachel, we're not done. It's more than that." She sighed. "I will arrange for a tutor to get you caught up on your work. Together, we will meet with each of your teachers for a list of assignments. If you do not comply, if you do not bring up your grades and start following the rules, then that's it. Then it's over; there'll be no more dance or glee, no freedom at all."_

"_You're such a bitch!"_

"_Alright Rachel, you want me to be a bitch, I'll be one."_

"_You are. You're a despotic bitch!" As angry as she was that her daughter was calling her a bitch, she was proud that she used the word despotic. That was weird, wasn't it? Yeah, it was weird._

_But things were getting heated. Rachel had a face she had never seen before with no words to explain what it was. Both of their tempers were flaring and Rachel was racing to get out of there. She stood up so fast the chair she was sitting in fell backward with her movement. That just upset Shelby more. _

"_Great. I was trying to be rational. I was going to treat you like an adult and just talk to you, but you want to be the brat you are, then fine. You're grounded. No leaving the house without me or my permission. Other than dance or glee, you go from home to school and back with me or your aunt. There will be no rides from anyone. No friends."_

"_What friends?" She muttered just loud enough for the sounds to be heard but the words not clear._

"_Shut up Rachel and listen because I will not repeat myself and I will not put up with this much longer." One of her hands was gripping Rachel as the other pointed a stern finger in her face. She really was becoming the next Maggie Corcoran… God she hated that. Shelby was turning into the one thing she promised herself she wouldn't; her mother._

"_Then don't! Let me go!" She swatted Shelby's hands away which just caused her mother to grab tighter. "This is child abuse. I have half the mind to call the authorities."_

"_Listen and listen good little girl. This attitude. This acting out, skipping school and not doing work, bringing boys in the house when I'm not here… It's over. It's all over. Lockdown officially begins now. You're grounded until I tell you otherwise. When you go to your room you will see that your laptop, your iPod; everything electronic that you own is not there."_

"_You went into my room? You have no right to do that! That is my room. Not yours!"_

"_I will do whatever I want Rachel. Until you're 18, your ass is mine."_

"_I hate you!" It was like a slap in the face. "I hate you. You're a selfish bitch and I hate you!"_

_It was out of her control. Her brain wasn't completely connected to her limbs and she just did it. Her hand swiped across Rachel's cheek through its own volition. The sound of contact echoed in the room along with the sting. Neither could believe that just happened. There was a moment of silence where everything; time, life, all of it just seemed to stand still. Rachel's hand went to her cheek as Shelby's jaw fell open._

"_Rachel I'm…"_

"_Save it!" She hissed. _

"_Drop the attitude little miss." Yes, she hit her daughter, but the attitude might push her to do it again._

"_You hit me and that's what you say?" Rachel gave her a look of disgust before storming out in true diva fashion. Her feet stomped with each hurried step as Shelby chased after her yelling something she wasn't listening to. It was another rough evening; another rough end for a lousy week. _

_Things only got worse when they got to her room. Shelby was trailing just a few seconds behind. "Rachel." She called over and over, trying just to get her to listen. Nothing would work. She knew that logically, but neither was thinking like that. It was a conversation solely fueled by emotion. But then she stopped. Rachel was still, standing in the idle of her room looking around. "Rachel?"_

"_Where's my elliptical?" She was hoping to avoid this confrontation. She tried to, but Rachel was all go, go, go and Shelby couldn't get her to stop, stop, stop._

"_It's gone."_

"_Gone?! What do you mean gone?"_

"_It's no longer in this house Rachel." It was actually, just hidden away from her. _

"_So not only did you go through my room, my private area, but you removed things that were not yours to touch?"_

"_I am the mother; I get to do whatever I want."_

"_Some mother you are."_

"_Rachel you have no right…" Beth was no longer oblivious to the mayhem in the house, her cries adding to the crazy atmosphere. _

"_What kind of mother lets her daughter cry? You better tend to the baby. She's the only daughter you have."_

"_Rachel…" It was pleading, but that was all she had in her. Each word from the girl's mouth was another stab to the chest. _

"_You should go. Beth needs you." She was calm too calm. It was a 180 in 10 seconds flat. _

"_Rachel we're not done."_

"_So finish." She said emotionlessly. _

"_You are no longer allowed to see Puck."_

"_What? You can't dictate who I can and cannot be friends with."_

"_I can and I will. I don't know what your relationship with him is, but it's clear you're a little too comfortable with him and his anatomy. So you will not see him." Rachel half listened as she moved to the window, suddenly halting completely and turning to Shelby with a glare. _

"_Are there locks on my window?"_

"_Yes, there's no more…."_

"_Get out."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_Get out. Get out! GET OUT!" Rachel went full on crazy. She grabbed the nearest thing she could find and chucked it in Shelby's direction. "I hate you. You being in my life, just knowing you has ruined everything! I hate you! Get out!"_

_Rachel forcefully shoved Shelby out of the room as the throwing stopped. Barely exiting the doorway, the heavy wooden door was slammed in her face. "Rachel?" She asked after a moment of eerie silence sent her into a panic._

"_What happened to my lock? There's no lock on my door."_

"_I took it off." She said through the door. She went to open it, but Rachel's tiny body, frail as it was, was more powerful than she imagined._

"_This is why I hate you. You can't even give me my space. I hate you Shelby! I hate you! You are not my mother. I wish it was you that died instead of them. I wish it was you!"_

_Any pressure she put on the door to open disappeared after she heard that. She wanted to die. She wanted to run away, to crawl up in a ball and die… Those words broke her; affected her more than Rachel would ever know. The world ceased to exist as she zombie walked to her bedroom. Closing the door behind her, Shelby slid down the wood panel, with tears in her eyes as she listened to her daughters screams; both daughters. It was like anguish embodied in human form. Beth was crying and she couldn't help her. Rachel was throwing things, screaming at her over and over, repeating how much she hated her. And all she could do was listen as her heart broke a little more with each cry. Her daughter hated her. She truly hated her. Rachel would probably never forgive her, but it was worth it. It had to be worth it. Didn't it? _

That week following, which was also the week before the therapy session, was both amazing and terrible at the same time. The words and actions haunted them. Shelby was incredibly hurt and Rachel was guilty enough to feel it, but also not sympathetic in the least. In many ways, she felt her mother deserved it. The fighting every time they were in the same room wasn't fun. And her grounding wasn't a pleasant experience either, but at least, the anger let them get out of things. If Shelby was too wound up, she just sent Rachel to her room early. And if Rachel wanted out, she just raised her voice enough to push Shelby to the point that she'd let her go to Casey's if she was lucky, but usually it just sent her to bed early. So it got her out of doing certain chores and, on occasion, having to abide by her strict dietary routine that Shelby set up for her. That was a definite plus. But there wasn't much good in the situation.

But after therapy, things were different. So maybe, in some ways, they did change. At least the fighting stopped. That was different. They were still kind of living in their own brand of the perpetual silent treatment, but there wasn't yelling every two seconds they were in the same room together. So there was that. Casey enjoyed that. Even her strong resolve needed a break every now and then. She had enough of the peacemaking to last her a lifetime. And, while she loved having her niece over all the time, having Rachel with her didn't help them heal.

Things weren't better, but they weren't worse. Their lives became yet another new routine. Mornings consisted of a rude awakening after a restless night, forced family breakfast that she only picked at and was subsequently yelled at for, the general morning bathroom routine, and off to school. Once at school, Shelby escorted her to her locker and brought her to their classroom. For Rachel it sucked to have her mother following her around, but it kept the slushies at a minimum. It was a perk to start the day together; at least for Shelby. It made keeping an eye on things easier. She got to separate Rachel from Puck, forcing Rachel to sit in the front row where she could see all and she got to make sure the work was being done.

She couldn't watch her every second. That was a fact, but she was going to do her best to enforce all the new rules. No need for curfew because Rachel wasn't going anywhere. Lunches were spent together. Rachel was no longer allowed to loiter in the auditorium or practice in the choir room. Instead, Shelby forced her to eat the home packed lunch she brought for them every day in her classroom and made her sit there until the bell rang and they both had to head to class. Rachel hated every second of it. Shelby loved it. She could control so much there that it made her happy. She didn't have to worry about Rachel when she was right in front of her.

Straight after school they had glee. Even when she wasn't helping out, Shelby stayed around, always within calling distance. Though, it was getting closer to competition time so she was usually there working on set list ideas. They were still stuck on the original songs. It worked for them. It took courage, so that was what they decided to do, but it didn't hurt for her to come up with something in case it came down to one of Mr. Schuester's last minute things. That was how it worked there.

But that was neither here nor there. The issue at hand was Rachel. Right after glee they went home for a quick meal and whatever appointment the day brought; nutritionist, tutor, psychologist. There was always somewhere to be. And at the end of the night, as the day winded down, they returned home once more. Shelby would give Rachel a small snack after her shower, and she would watch as Rachel sat at the kitchen table and finished her homework. There was no time for anything else. Knowing that actually helped Shelby. She got time with both her daughters and she got to know they were safe. That was all she wanted as a mother. She would've preferred it be a choice rather than a necessity, but after their fight, she took what she could get. She was as happy as she could be given the circumstance.

Rachel, on the other hand, was getting antsy. The only exercise she got was at dance and glee which wasn't enough. With the window locks and elliptical gone, there was no other outlet for her. She threw up when she could, though Shelby watched her like a hawk. And she ran in place when the opportunity presented itself, but there just weren't enough hours in the day. She barely had enough time for her rituals and those took precedence over anything else.

She couldn't take it though. She couldn't take the weight gain and the calories galore that was pushed in her face every day, especially when she was barely doing anything to counter act it. It was becoming so frustrating that she found herself opening old wounds. Her razor found its way tracking over old scars, reopening the flesh that once healed. That was her way of dealing. She couldn't see Puck or her friends (Kurt). Puck tried. They talked when they could, but they were both suffering in the absence. They had the occasional late night rendezvous when he could find a way in, but it wasn't often. The only time they had was when they were practicing or in class.

It sucked, but so did everything else. And if she had her exercise and her normal control, she probably could've dealt with it. But she didn't have much of anything. Still, she did as she planned and found other ways to get what she needed. She stopped taking the diet pills and everything once she moved in with Shelby. Being the controlling, conniving, something of a woman she was, Shelby started reading her credit card statements and she changed the allowance on the card. Her fathers never did that. They trusted her and gave her that money to live off of. Shelby had no right to go about changing the system, but she did anyway.

And online purchasing was the only way to get what she needed. She wasn't 18 and they did check her ID at the register. She tried it once, walked up with big sunglasses on and her hair done as if to make her older. She left embarrassed and empty handed. No one looked for actual age online and she could buy anything there. But it had to stop once she moved in all because Shelby had to put her nose where it didn't belong. And at first it was ok. At first she just over compensated with extra exercise in her free time, of which she had plenty, but now things were piling up. Of course, she still used laxatives regularly and diuretics when she could get her hands on them, but they were in combination with her daily run and elliptical. Now she barely had time to breathe with everything else Shelby was making her participate in. So it was time for the big guns.

She became crafty. Reloadable gift cards did the trick. When she had the chance to sneak over to Casey's, she ordered several different brands online and had them delivered, discretely, to Noah's house. She told him it was an outfit Shelby wouldn't approve of and she didn't want her to see it before she wore it. That got him to stop asking questions. He was too busy drooling over the prospect to care. As soon as he received it, and she paid extra for overnight delivery, he brought it to her at school. It worked out. She got what she needed and no one was the wiser. Pop one of these with breakfast to "boost metabolism all day long." Take one of those with lunch to "melt those pounds right off your body." Finally, take the red ones with dinner to "burn twice as many calories." She didn't always take all three, but she certainly wasn't doing her body any favors.

She knew it wasn't smart to mix so many different drugs. In her logical mind she saw that. But logic took a back seat to need and she needed it. She needed to take them, all of them, for her sanity. She couldn't be fat. She already gained too much. How could she possibly get on any stage looking the way she did? How would Renee feel if she picked a blubbering pig to be her prima ballerina?

She couldn't allow herself to be the train wreck she felt she was becoming. She wouldn't be that girl. She wasn't pretty or perfect and she never would be, but she could lose weight. She could be closer to that perfection she craved. The pills would help her until the grounding was lifted and exercise, which she maintained shouldn't be included as a restriction in her grounding, was allowed again, well then maybe she'd stop; or at least stick to one brand. Seriously though, what kind of parent discourages their kid from being active and healthy? What was wrong with her mother?

Whatever. She never knew what Shelby was thinking. But the pills became her saving grace. They gave her energy when she had none. They allowed her to work four times as hard on the dance floor. It even seemed to give her performance a little edge. Maybe it was just in her head, but it seemed to be helping her out. At the very least, it gave her back part of what she was missing. And she needed that. It gave her a little of her control back when all her choices were left up to Shelby. What she did and when she did it were determined by mommy dearest, but her body was hers and hers alone. No one could take that form her. Unless, of course, they killed her… But she didn't foresee that. Who would care enough to kill her?

Time passed quickly. Every day was more of the same. She was growing crazier and crazier. She needed away from Shelby. She needed away from that neurosis; from everybody else's crazy. She heard too many of her own voices to be dealing with theirs too. Puck, Santana, and even Kurt let up about her weight and eating; probably because she was getting fatter and fatter everyday and that was the worst punishment of all. She felt disgusted with herself, repulsed every time Noah went to touch her. It was sickening. Why would anyone want to look at her, never mind touch her? But for some reason, he did. At least the pills were helping a little. The more she took them, the more she lost. A few weeks made a world of difference.

It was nearing the end of May and it was time for Nationals. They waited all year for it, and they actually had a shot, so they were all excited. They were going to be in New York and they had a chance at a national title. Things seemed to be looking up. The fittings were a mess. The dresses were nice, but not on her; not to her. To her, they were just another reminder of the things she had to hide and the flab she wished they couldn't see. But, thankfully, they were black and loose so the fitting was more slip these on and see if they fit than actual sewing and tape measures. And the black would help hide those pesky flaws, but she didn't know what she was going to do about the cuts.

She tried to resist going anywhere near her arms in the weeks leading up to Nationals, but she couldn't. She couldn't control that urge so she did it. And there was evidence. So she would have to find a way to cover that up, but her main concern as they all gathered on the plane, was finishing their songs. They had one done. One of their three songs was completely ready. They had one free night in New York to finish the rest. Whose idea was it to use original songs again?

Mr. Schue instructed them that the songs needed to be finished by the next morning for their run through. They only had one so that was their only chance to work out all the kinks. Once they landed, they had a few hours to explore the city before curfew, but he reminded them again that they had to be serious. If they didn't finish the songs, that was it. Then they'd be forced to use songs they hadn't even attempted to practice yet. Everything was on them.

"Don't you think that's a little too much pressure to put on them?" Shelby asked him as they took their seats on the plane. She didn't know if it would hurt Rachel more to have such stress put on her. Things may have appeared better on that front, but Shelby was smart enough to know that didn't mean they were actually better. "They're just kids."

"Says the woman who worked her team until their feet bled."

"It only happened once." Parents complained after that and their dance rehearsals were given mandatory limits. "And they're not VA. They're a totally different group of kids."

"They'll be fine Shelby." Or not, but it didn't matter then. What was happening was going to happen. The pilot's voice came over the speaker and told them they were preparing for takeoff. Shelby was satisfied with the seating arrangements. Puck was two rows behind Rachel who was sitting in the window seat next to Kurt and Tina. Everyone else was scattered about in the same small area sitting in couples and cliques.

Shelby listened as the students chatted. She listened as Will talked about something or other that she'd normally pay attention to, but her mind was elsewhere. About mid flight, she saw Rachel get up from her seat and scoot through the two pairs of legs to make it into the aisle. "Where are you going?"

"Bathroom." She stated simply. They were still barely on speaking terms. They were just civil enough to be passable.

Through her peripheral vision, Shelby saw Puck standing just a few feet away just standing there nonchalantly like he was waiting. Waiting for Rachel? "If I hear any noises coming from back there, you're both dead." Shelby gave them both the stink eye. There will be no special memberships earned on that flight. Not on her watch… Not with her daughter…

Rachel just rolled her eyes and headed toward the back of the plane. "Hi Noah." She said.

"Hey Rachel." He pulled her into a hug. It felt like forever since he got to do that.

"I've missed you."

"I missed you too babe. You have no idea." So they were cramped in a tiny bathroom hugging and talking. If that was the only time they were going to get, then fine; they'd take it. "How are you doing? You look good." He really did care about her and everyday they were apart he was scared for her. He knew her mind was a dark place. He saw that first hand. So every chance he got, he asked how she was doing. Seldom would she be honest, but to make it seem real, she would add a rough day every now and then.

"I'm doing well Noah, I swear."

"Good." He kissed her. "That's what I like to hear. Do you think Shelby will let you out for a little while since we're in New York?"

"I hope so, but knowing her, she'll want to teach me a lesson. That or she'll follow me around like I'm a dog on her leash." She sighed. Yeah, she could see Shelby doing that; either one of those things.

"If she does, I want to take you out. We haven't been on a real date yet."

She smiled a real smile and her eyes lit up just a little. "You want to take me on a date? In the best city in the world?"

"I want to take you on a date in the city you're going to be a household name in someday."

"I like the sound of that." Too bad she didn't believe it.

"Even if we can't go on a date, maybe we can sneak some alone time by the hotel pool."

"Swimming?" She didn't even want to consider putting on a bathing suit.

"Clothes optional." He was joking, but her face turned sour and she pushed away from him. "I'm kidding. We don't have to swim; I just want to hang out with you."

"We have to work on the song, but we'll find some time for each other. I miss you holding me. Shelby has been such a bitch lately. She put locks on my window Noah. Locks! Who does that?" She continued ranting until she looked at him. "Why are you smirking like that?"

"You're all hot when you get worked up."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." They spent the next five minutes going at each other's faces before Rachel finally regained some sense and told him she had to get back before Shelby came looking. He reluctantly agreed and returned to his seat while she "freshened up" a bit.

It wasn't a long flight, just a few short hours in the air and another few in baggage claim for the bag with the uniforms they had to check, but it was enough to be tiring. It was still early in the day when they left the airport to check into the hotel. And after that and room assignments, they all went their own way.

Kurt and Rachel, after convincing Shelby she would literally die if she was locked up in the hotel, went to tour Broadway. The theatre district was amazing. Being in New York was the first time in so long that she could remember feeling truly happy. There were moments before where she felt it; small occasions that brought about a simple, genuine smile, but it was different there. Just the smell of car pollution and the crowded streets were enough to make her feel like she was home. Even if just a passing sentiment, she felt like her dreams were possible; that she still had a future. She had a moment where she took a breath of the city air and said, "I made it." And, for the brief second, she felt like she truly had.

She really loved New York.

And she did get her date with Noah. She and Finn were supposed to be working on their song. They were given the duet and Schue left it up to them to create their song. But Finn was nowhere to be found. So, instead, while the rest of them finished the group number, she worked on that with Noah. That was how they spent their night; cuddled up on the couch in one of the hotel's unused conference rooms with his guitar and some sheet music. They were doing their thing and doing it well. And they snuck back into their rooms before anyone could miss them. Shelby was none the wiser.

Mr. Schue, and even Shelby, was impressed with their creations. But they sat there and watched group after group get on that stage and their confidence began to dwindle. The competition was amazingly good. They didn't know if they were good enough. And to make matters worse, Rachel was having the worse case of stage fright she ever had; mostly because she rarely had it, but it was pretty bad. She would be going out there singing a song that was her own, and Puck's too, but her work. What if they hated it? What if it sucked? What if she messed up?

"You ok Berry?" Santana asked catching Kurt's attention.

"Diva you look a little pale. Are you ok?"

"I'm fu… fine. I just need to use the restroom." She stood and politely made her way through the crowd only stopping in front of the chaperones to inform them of her intended location.

She almost made it to the bathroom without running into anyone. "Ah, Rachel. We meet again. Santana. Kurt."

"Hello Jesse." There was indifference in her voice. Bad things tended to happen when he came around. And it wasn't his fault. He had his flaws, but he wasn't totally a bad guy. Things just happened with him.

"Ok Curly Q, leave my girl alone. We don't have time for your crap." Wow, Santana was sticking up for her… to Jesse. When did they even get there? Were Kurt and Santana following her?

"Santana, that was unnecessary. He was only saying hello."

"Yeah, until he goes all competitor on you and drags out the eggs."

"Santana."

"It's ok Rachel. She's just looking out for you. I only wanted to wish you the best of luck." He said as he began walking away. "You're going to need it. You'll regret not joining us when you had the chance…"

"Did he say anything to you?"

"What was it? Was it bad?" Kurt asked.

"He only said hello, just like I told you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must use the restroom. I assume that's also where you're headed?"

"Yeah."

"Of course Diva. After you." They all did whatever needed to be done in the bathroom. Truth was she didn't have to go. She just wanted some air. She was beginning to get intimidated by all the talent in that room and started questioning her own abilities. And she needed to add a little extra foundation to her arm. She couldn't touch anything without it rubbing off and she needed to keep the cuts hidden. There were no gloves as a convenient alibi that time. But it was done and it was time to get back.

"Why are you stopping?" asked Santana as Rachel came to a halt in front of a water fountain.

"I just need a drink. I'll be right behind you." She did need a drink to wash down the pills in her pocket, but she also needed to fix the makeup by her wrist. It must've smudged off when she was washing her hands.

"Ok." Kurt began to say but Santana stepped in.

"We'll wait."

"I'll be ok. Just go. I'll be right there." She assured them as she kept her hand behind her back.

Santana looked at her with curious knowing eyes. She may not have known the exact what, but she knew something was going on. Still, she left; kind of. She and Kurt went just around the corner to spy on their resident diva. Kurt wasn't sure why they were doing it, but when Santana suddenly stopped and peeked suspiciously around the bend, he was inclined to join her.

"Why are we doing this?"

"Shh."

They watched as Rachel pulled a little baggie out of her hand bag and emptied its contents into her hand. They watched as she lifted whatever it was to her mouth and followed it up with a gulp of water. "Is that…? What is that? Drugs?"

"Shut up Frodo." Santana quipped. "Go back to Kansas and keep your mouth shut."

"What are you going to do?"

"Just go. We'll be in there soon."

"But what was that?"

"Listen Kurt, just go and don't say anything. Not until after, ok?" He nodded and reluctantly left. Considering her next move, Santana continued to observe Rachel. What was she doing? From the angle she had it just looked like Rachel was staring at her wrist, rubbing it and examining it. "What the hell?" She asked herself as she saw an angry red line visible on her flesh as Rachel moved her left hand away from it. There it was a big fresh scar and a fairly new cut. That was it. She practically charged after Rachel, stopping just a foot short of her.

"Oh, Santana, I thought you returned to the auditorium." Rachel said once she noticed the Latina, her hand quickly put down by her side.

"What the hell are you doing Rachel? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"Don't be absurd. Where would you come up with such a ridiculous notion?"

"Let me see your hand Rachel."

"Excuse me? My hand?"

"Yeah Berry, your hand. Let me see it."

"Sure, no problem." She lifted her hand, a false sense of composure and confidence. She knew it was covered up, but there was always the possibility. "I don't know what it is you wish to find."

"Let me see the other one." She gave the left first. Santana wanted to see the right. With bated breath, Rachel passed her hand over for inspection. At first, Santana just looked, which allowed Rachel to breathe again, but then, she went for the touch. Her thumb swiped across the delicate wrist revealing the scar from her recent stitches. "What is that Rachel?"

"That… The… That's a scar. I… I had an accident that required stitches." Not totally untrue. "Ask Puck. He knows."

Realization dawned on her. "That's why he was worried. That was why he wanted me to watch you. Did you… Did you do that on purpose?"

"What? No!" She pulled her hand back.

"You did!" She insisted. She knew. There was no doubt in her mind. Things were very clear. "How long have you been doing that?"

"Santana…" Rachel started to explain but Kurt came out of the auditorium doors almost running.

"Come on, we have to head backstage. We're up after this next group. You missed Vocal Adrenaline. They were… They were robots, but talented robots…" He took a moment to catch his breath and read the seriousness of their faces. "Am I interrupting?"

"Yes." Santana snapped.

"No." Rachel shook her head. "No Kurt, you're not. Santana was just telling me that my song better be good."

"It is good. Come on. We have to get ready."

Hands crossed and awkward tension lingering, they all made their way backstage to join their group. Rachel could feel the disapproving eyes on her all the way there. They seemed to be coming from more people than just Santana. Kurt kept looking her over. And Shelby wasn't looking at her like she was a saint. The day sucked. She didn't see the rest of it going any better.

"Ok guys, gather around. We made it to New York…" Mr. Schue started in on his speech as Rachel drifted off. She heard none of it. It really didn't matter. She was fighting the insecurities that were building in that room. The glaring and looking down on her wasn't helping. "We're up next. Everyone ready?"

"Yes!" They all said, excited at the prospect; everyone but Rachel…

When they got out there, things were going fine. The pills were starting to set in and Rachel's energy was high. Her focus was laser and her mind was all in. But that didn't mean she wasn't nervous. Santana was still right there in her thoughts looking at her with such sadness and pity… But she had to stay with the music. She just had to lose herself in the notes.

As the music started for the song she helped write, she couldn't help but think of Puck. The longing… The running… The denial… The bonds… It was all there in that song. With each word she thought more of him. It didn't matter if it was her and Finn singing. It didn't matter if she was playing into the emotion with someone else. That was just a part. Singing, she only saw Noah. Her and Noah. They were complicated and crazy and they had so much against them, but he was the only person that didn't make her feel as damaged as she was and she didn't even think he tried.

The last note rang out as Finn gazed into her eyes. She held the same stare as was customary. The audience needed to believe the song was about them, but she saw something she didn't like. There was a longing in his eyes. Or maybe it was a lust. Either way, she didn't see it coming. She didn't anticipate the lean in. She didn't anticipate his lips on hers. She was definitely as surprised as everyone else as it happened. She didn't want that to happen. The music was changing, going on to the next song, and all she felt was paralyzed. What just happened?

They ended in a daze. She didn't even know how she made it through the last of it, but she did. There were no good jobs as they finished; no sincere ones. Quinn gave her a look of repulsion, but it wasn't up to its usual standards. She saw it coming. Finn was always wishy washy, going from one of them to the other and back again. Though, she thought after the date they had that night they were more on than off, but Quinn should've seen it coming; she did, but she didn't. So she wasn't as angry as she might have been earlier.

People were worried that the kiss would cost them. They were furious when they learned that it did and they placed 12th. But Rachel could deal with all of them. She could take that like she always did, and she was forced to because they made it very clear that it was her fault. And she could take Jesse's "I told you so." But she couldn't take that from Noah. She needed to know that he wasn't upset with her. She needed to tell him that wasn't what she wanted. Him… Only him… that was all she wanted. Though, listening to a mad Santana, who was friendly and concerned for her only hours prior, was hard too.

New York was ruined. It was ruined by Finn. It was ruined by failure. It was just ruined. The plane ride home felt long and lonely. She felt the occasional look her way. It was usually one of anger; or she mistook it for such. Everyone blamed her; not Finn, just her. But she tried to clear it up. It wasn't planned, certainly not on her part. People didn't want to hear it though. Shelby made sure they had a "talk." Shelby wanted her to know what was and wasn't acceptable. Apparently, everything she was doing fell on the unacceptable list. And Schue tried not to let it show, but he was disappointed. For something she built up in her head, the trip wasn't at all like she expected. Though she anticipated the failure as was her norm, it sure hurt a lot to realize she was right.

She did have a chance to talk to Noah. He got it. He understood that Finn was a douche, but it didn't make it easier. He was still pissed, but he was trying not to be angry with her. He was trying and failing. At least he was still there. Things would cool down… eventually.

Puck came around. She wasn't talking to Finn. Kurt wasn't ever completely angry with her just upset by the loss. Everyone else just got over it. The defeat settled into disappointment, but the reminder that it was her fault came in handy for those punchy little quips that people liked to throw at her. To make matters worse, she was still grounded. That seemed like an indefinite sentence. But she was surviving; barely but still.

Kurt and Santana were still unsure of what to do. They saw Rachel take drugs before the competition. They didn't know what she took or why, so they didn't want to jump to conclusions. But, they were jumping to conclusions. They were sure whatever she took, she probably shouldn't have. They didn't know how to make heads or tails of it. They were lost. And Santana couldn't neglect the fact that she saw Rachel's cuts. She didn't tell Kurt about that. She couldn't. He was Porcelain; fragile, breakable… He didn't need anything else to worry about. So she took that to Puck. They talked. She got him to tell her the story. She practically had to drag it out of him. But when she heard it, she wanted to hit him. How did he not do anything about it? How did he not try to get her help? Didn't he see that that, along with everything else, was just a cry for help? Why was no one helping her?

"I thought she was doing better. She promised me she stopped." He defended.

"And you believed her?" She asked incredulously.

"Yeah."

"Idiot."

Together, they formed an idea. After Rachel's recital on Sunday, they were going to sit her down and give her a glee-vention. Puck, Kurt, and Santana were going to confront her. They had so many different things to choose from too. There was the food thing, the pill thing, and the cutting thing. So there was a lot to discuss. But they couldn't do it alone. They put it off for so long, but with the information they had, they had to tell an adult. They had to talk to Mr. Schue or Shelby. Though, what help would they be? They hadn't seemed to have much impact thus far. They spent their Saturday going over it all, deciding just how they wanted to play things. What did they want to say? What were the most important things to say? And how did they tell Shelby? How did a kid tell a parent their child was hurting?

They had a lot to work through, but so did Rachel. Her family was all in town. Grandma and grandpa were staying with Casey for the weekend just to see her perform on Sunday. It was finally recital time and Rachel couldn't have been more nervous. She thought Nationals' nerves were bad, but this was worse. After the debacle that was Nationals, she didn't have much faith that she would shine at all. But Renee was her cheerleader. Renee boosted her up and told her how great she'd be. If only Rachel could believe that. She was worried about every aspect of the recital. The dance was a story told through motion and she wasn't sure she was capable of doing it justice. Her costume made her look like she weighed a thousand pounds and her new slippers weren't fully broken in. In the last rehearsal, she fell landing one of her leaps. She missed a few steps too. In her head, she was a disaster in tights, but Renee promised her she'd be fine. In fact, the day before, she told Rachel. "You have this down. You could do it in your sleep. That's why we picked you. You're gifted and hardworking. Have faith Rachel. Believe in yourself. Now go home, rest up, and I'll see you nice and early."

"Thanks Renee."

"See you tomorrow Rachel."

When she got home, the whole family was waiting for her. They were, apparently, going out for a nice dinner. That wasn't something she wanted to do the night before such a big day. Her plans included a few sneaky phone calls to see if Kurt and Noah were still going to the recital, a long bath, and absolutely no food. But she wasn't given much choice. They were there for her; the least she could do was make an effort. That was what Shelby told her. Yeah, they weren't doing much better, but they weren't doing any worse. It was a dinner she just had to suffer through.

The next morning was a whirlwind. She got up at 5:45, did her morning rituals, showered, and then dressed in her warm up leotard. Her costume was safe and secure in its garment bag and she wouldn't be putting it on until last minute. Puck and Kurt were confirmed. Kurt would be sitting with her family as Noah kept his distance. They didn't want the Corcorans to know he was there. That would've been asking for trouble and they didn't need that. The friends made plans to meet up afterward. A celebration of Rachel's great work was what they called it, but Rachel had no idea what was really in store.

By 7, Rachel was at the theatre where the recital was being held. They used the same one for years so she had no trouble just heading in and using the extra hour to have her own run through before everyone got there for the last rehearsal at 8. She was nervous. That was an understatement. It was her first lead in a real dance production. They were doing a full length ballet with the intergraded classes. Usually they had age groups and separation. And they had that. The little kids had their performance Saturday morning. But all the advanced classes were together, and it was her chance. She beat out other girls for that chance and she was terrified of letting everyone down; of having her family see her fail. So she had to practice. She had to go over every step and do everything she could until she knew she had it down. Even if that was the death of her…

Meanwhile, the family was gathering. Beth was with a sitter and the show started at 11:30, so they wanted to be there a little after 11 to get good seats. Figuring he would just drive with Rachel after the recital, because she was letting her off restriction for one day only, the girl needed a break, Shelby and her parents swung by Kurt's to pick him up. As they arrived and began to head in, Kurt decided it was time to at least broach the subject and politely tried to get Shelby's attention.

"Ms. Corcoran."

"We're out of school Kurt. I told you, you can call me Shelby."

"Ok, Shelby, there was… there is… There's something… Well, there's something I'd like to talk to you about." He was voted most likely to be believed and thus given the job to tell Shelby about everything.

"Ok Kurt. What is it?"

"Well… I just… I don't want to talk about it here. Not now. I was wondering if I could just have a moment of your time once this is over."

"Sure Kurt. Whatever you need."

"Thank you." He breathed a sigh of relief. He was worried about how she'd react and, because of the look on his face, she was worried about what he had to say. But it would have to hold. She just wanted to focus on her daughter. Rachel never let her watch her dance and this was her opportunity. She was looking forward to it.

Ten minutes before curtain and Rachel was applying the cover up to her arms. She bought the kind that wouldn't rub off so easily. She learned from her mistakes.

"You look hot in that."

"Noah." She said happily.

"I just wanted to wish you luck or tell you to break a leg or whatever."

"Thank you Noah."

"I didn't know if I could come back here, but I wanted to see you."

"It's ok. I'm happy you did. I wanted to see you too." Things were normal between them again; as normal as they could be with the secrets they were keeping. "But you should get back out there. I have to get ready."

"We're still going out with Kurt and Santana after? She knows you're my girl now. So does Kurt."

"I know, and yes. As long as Shelby doesn't change her mind, I can't wait to get out of that house. Shelby's whole family is here."

"I know. I saw the Brady bunch. Sat as far away from them as I could."

"I would too. Where are you sitting?"

"Third row, to the left of the stage. If you get nervous, just look for me."

"Thanks Noah. Go get back to your seat."

It was sweet of him to stop by and wish her luck. He was much more gentlemanly than anyone ever gave him credit for. And he actually helped ease some of her butterflies, but it was time. She tightened the bow on her slippers, and took her place. It was do or die, but she unleashed her secret weapon. Just 10 minutes prior, she took all three of her pills. The energy wave from the caffeine in them was bound to hit her just as she made it onto the stage. She was ready; as ready as she'd ever be. So curtains went up, the music started playing, and she was taking the stage.

The audience watched in awe of the performance. Shelby felt so proud, their entire family captivated by Rachel. She looked so flawless out there. The height on her jumps… The steadiness of her turns… She was perfect. She was a true ballerina out there telling the character's story so fluently and so cleanly. The movements seemed effortless in their beauty. No one could take their eyes off of her, especially not Puck. Dance may not have been his thing, but Rachel was and he was enjoying every minute of the show.

Come intermission, and Rachel was feeling the strain. Her body felt out of whack. Her head was spinning and light and heavy all at once. She thought it was dehydration so she chugged some water. That helped, a bit, but the feeling was still there. The pounding in her chest seemed out of sync. Something just wasn't right. She felt that. She could sense that. But the show had to go on. Her big part was coming up and she had to be flawless. She had surprised herself thus far only making minor mistakes, but she wasn't getting cocky. If anything, she was probably being more self-deprecating. There was no room for error. It didn't matter if she felt sick. What mattered was that she forgot about it and just got back out there. And that was what she tried to do. One breath at a time, one blink at a time, one moment at a time, she just went through it and gave her all.

Everyone was on the edge of their seat as the story reached its crescendo. Rachel came along for her solo; no one on the stage but her and a boy her age. Blooming like a flower, she shed the top layer of her skirt. She was lifted in the air by the boy's strong arms. She was twirled and she leapt and they couldn't be any prouder than they were just watching her do something she was so natural at. Dancing and singing; when she did it and they got to watch her, it was like there was no one else in the room because all eyes were on her.

The show was coming to an end. The resolutions were upon them and the stage was filled. Rachel was leading a small group across the stage as the music tapered off and the curtains began to close. The whistles and clapping filled the room. Parental pride was on max settings as they all cheered for their children. It was a job well done. It only got louder when the curtains opened again, the dancers taking their final bows and receiving their due praise. Through it all, it didn't matter that there was still animosity between mother and daughter. All that mattered was how proud she was and how she couldn't wait to tell Rachel just that.

"She was amazing Shelby." Maggie said.

"She really was." Casey agreed. "I've watched her before, but she was just breathtaking today."

"Let's go head out and meet her backstage." Nodding, they all grabbed their things and rushed out before the rest of the departing families crowded the aisles. Kurt wanted to have that talk before they met with Rachel, but it would have to wait.

Making small talk amongst themselves, the group made their way backstage only to be met with a sight they didn't want to see; one they hoped to never see and weren't expecting…

Rachel was still feeling off as she stepped off stage. Her body was in overdrive. Her heart didn't seem to want to stop drumming so hard. Sweat was dripping down her forehead almost disgustingly so and her breathing was labored. "Are you ok?" One of the dancers asked.

"Yes, fine thank you." She lied. "I just need some water."

"Ok." The girl walked away not questioning her again.

Rachel took a moment to still herself in hopes it would make whatever she was feeling go away. But deep breaths and water and everything else she was trying just wasn't working. Was that what a heart attack felt like? Was she dying? What was going on?

"Rachel." Renee called for her, the sound of excitement in her voice. Rachel whipped around to face the sound, something she shouldn't have done. The dizziness immediately set in hitting her harder and faster. "I just wanted to tell you how great you did out there. You were… I was speechless."

"Tha… thank… you."

"Rachel, sweetie, what's wrong?"

"I don't…. I…" Her body couldn't bear its own weight any longer and her legs just gave out. The world around her spun as she fell, her body reverberating as it hit the hard linoleum floor.

"Rachel?" Renee kneeled next to her. "Rachel, say something. Rachel?!"

That was the scene they witnesses as they went to congratulate her on a job well done. They got there just in time to see the fall. One dark haired dancer just fell and didn't get back up again. And Shelby saw it. She and Casey watched as their hearts stopped beating. They waited. They waited to see her get back up. They waited to see some movement. But nothing came. Immediately, they ran to her, the rest of the family staying back. They ran to their daughter, theirs because essentially they were both raising the girl, as they heard her name being called with no response.

"Rachel? Rachel?!" The ballet troop and instructors all crowded around her.

"Someone call 911." They heard somebody yell. Casey got down beside them looking for any signs of life.

"Hey, hey Rach. Stay with me. Stay with me Rachel." Casey pleaded as Shelby just stood there frozen and crying. "Stay with me…"

**One of the two major things happens in this chapter. The second didn't fit and it was getting too long. Uh oh… What else could possibly happen? **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**Guest**** 1) I warned that things would be coming to a head soon. It's happening. They're cracking at the seams. I think many people are worried she won't survive this story. I'm torturing her. Her state is definitely precarious. My 2012 did suck and thank you, I hope 2013 is better for me and everyone else as well. 2) I made you wait. Sorry. Life has been busy. **

**Gleek101 ****Rachel has finally done it… I imagined Shelby as one of those cartoon characters, but she's trying to handle it better than she's capable of. They both need their own kind of help, especially Rachel. The question is whether she gets it in time… Rehab may be the best place for her. We shall see. **

**Just Me**** Thank you! I love Noah and I thought it was time they made it official. Romance was never supposed to be a big thing in this story. It was always supposed to focus just on Rachel, but the romance seemed natural to me, like it was supposed to happen, so I went with it. I love them together so it worked for me. **

**CarolineSC**** Yay for Puck and Rachel getting their act together! Kind of… They found one piece of the puzzle only to lose another. That's the way it works in this world. I love them together. I truly do. I'd take Puck and Rachel over Finn and Rachel any day.**

**ddbddb123**** That makes me happy. I love writing this story! I like the together even if they won't actually be seeing much of each other. A little is better than none at all I guess. They have the school hallways. Shelby's in the dark about so much, but things are starting to come to light. Rachel doesn't make anything easy. She always fights back. But you're right. Casey is a mediating factor, so that works for them. I'm glad people like her. Some OCs aren't well received. **


	37. The In-between

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

Ok, so it has been a while. I apologize and I assure you that it is not because of lack of motivation or writer's block. Life can't always be predictable and time has been an issue as of late. But here's a fairly long chapter for you all. I appreciate the patience.

Chapter 37: The In-between

"Rachel? Rachel?!" The ballet troop and instructors all crowded around her.

"Someone call 911." They heard somebody yell. Casey got down beside them looking for any signs of life.

"Hey, hey Rach. Stay with me. Stay with me Rachel." Casey pleaded as Shelby just stood there frozen and crying. "Stay with me…"

Time wasn't even a concept in their mind as they went through the motions. It seemed like forever and no time at all as they waited for the ambulance. Shelby wasn't much use. She just stood there in shock, her mother's arms around her as her father moved to help in any way he could. Puck made an appearance too, but she was blind to it. Her eyes were stuck on her daughter's lifeless body. Pale, clammy, lifeless… What was happening?

"What's going on? Casey…? Casey, what's happening?" She found her voice, broken as it was, and hoped beyond all hope that it wasn't really happening. Somebody would pinch her and it would all go away. If only… She needed to see. She needed to be closer. Nothing was going to keep her away from her daughter; not then when it seemed she needed her most, or needed someone. So she moved. By sheer will, she tried to move. Only, her father's arms held her back. "Let me go. I need to see. I need to know…" He still wouldn't release her, so she fought her way there. She pushed out of her father's grasp and ran to Rachel. She almost regretted it. Her baby looked so… So much worse than she did just seconds before. Things looked better with the distance. Up close and personal… It was worse.

Casey was saying something, though she couldn't pay much attention. "Shelby? Shelby, did you hear me?"

"What? No…" She didn't care what her sister said. All she cared about was hearing her daughter's voice again and seeing her big brown eyes opened and bright. "Is she… Is she ok Casey? What happened? Why isn't she moving?" The look on her older sister's face, her older sister who had an excellent poker face, made her not want to hear the answer, so she didn't wait for it. Instead, she pushed her sister out of the way and moved closer to Rachel. That was what she intended on doing in the first place. "Mommy's here baby." She whispered as she clutched at the still body. "Please wake up Rachel. Please…" It was a plea if anyone ever heard one; desperate and painstakingly emotional.

All anyone could do was watch. They helped in any way they could. It was a little bit of crowded chaos, but they did try. However, there just wasn't much they could do. They weren't qualified. They didn't know how to help. They didn't know what they were dealing with. They knew she was alive. And that was enough to get them through. She was alive and they held onto that. They just needed her to be ok. That, they knew, was something she wasn't. She hadn't been ok for a long time. Shelby knew too. Deep down she knew and she did nothing. And she was sitting there, holding her daughter, still doing nothing.

She didn't know how much time had passed, but men she assumed to be paramedics came in and pushed her out of the way much like she had everyone else. "What do we have?" She heard the taller of the two ask. Why she bothered to notice such a detail remained an enigma to her. Her daughter was lying there unconscious and she was checking out the males there to help her. It was a distraction though. It took away from the pain in her heart for just the tiniest fraction of a second. She needed that.

It took away from the reality of the situation It took away from seeing them look over Rachel and attach and IV to her arm. It took away from hearing Renee explain what happened. "I just went over to her to tell her how great she was and… and then she fell. She uh… She looked a little dizzy maybe and then she passed out." Nothing about any of it was making Shelby feel remotely better. She didn't imagine anything but a miraculous recovery or a reversal of time would do the trick.

"Shelby?" Casey called to her, but she didn't possess the ability to answer.

"Are you coming ma'am?" The paramedic asked Shelby. Again, nothing came out…

Looking back to her huddled family, Casey spoke, "Mom, take care of her. I'm going with Rachel. Get Shelby to the hospital. And I'll see you there." She hurried off, following after the paramedics who were wheeling Rachel away, praying that her niece would make it through.

"Shelby? Shelby baby, it's mom." She remained unresponsive, stuck staring at the spot her daughter last occupied. She wouldn't move without prompting. It didn't even appear that she was blinking. She was just there, existing, staring at nothing. There was nothing left to look at. Rachel was gone. "Come on baby. We need to get to Rachel."

"Rachel?" She whispered in question, everything catching up to her. "We have to get to Rachel."

The family gathered together and hurried to the car, Kurt too. Puck was long gone. Having watched with a broken heart as everything happened, he immediately hightailed his way out of there and broke a few speed limits following the ambulance. Everything else be damned; if something was wrong with Rachel, which obviously there was, he needed to be there. They all did. Nothing else mattered; not the consequences or the inevitable fallout or the issues that they may have had with each other. The only thing that was important then was Rachel. She was it. Nothing could happen to her. Whether she felt it or not, whether she'd ever understand it, she was important to so many people. Her life meant so much to so many.

So nothing could happen to her. Nothing…

But what if it was too late? What if…

They couldn't think like that, though they all were. That seemed to be the only part of the day they could remember clearly; the thoughts and emotions. Everything else was pretty much a blur. It was too much of a dramatic mess to be anything but.

The ride to the hospital was eerily silent. The only real noise other than the hum of the car and the wheels against the pavement were the quiet sniffles that came from Shelby. Kurt was at a loss. As he sat in the backseat right next to Shelby, he desperately wanted to offer some comforting platitudes. But he didn't have any. What would he say? Everything was going to be ok? He didn't know that. People said that and then people died and it made things worse. And even if Rachel was physically ok in the end, she still wouldn't have been alright. Wasn't that the purpose of the day? To get Rachel help… It just came a little too late.

Shelby was trying to cover up the tears too, so that didn't help. She needed to stay strong. She was the mother there, but all she wanted was her own mother's touch and that soothing voice that once rocked her to sleep with a lullaby to once again tell her all would be right in the world. But, at that moment, that didn't seem at all likely. In her mind, things were already over. Nothing would ever be the same again and no one knew how to deal with that. How could anyone know how to deal with that?

Why was any of it happening? Why Rachel? Why her? Why anyone?

As soon as they got there, they wasted no time getting to the emergency room in a haphazard attempt to find both Rachel and Casey. Whoever they saw first, whoever gave them answers… It didn't matter. They just needed to find them. "Casey!" Shelby called as soon as she saw her sister pacing by the very annoying _Authorized Personnel Only_ door. They wouldn't let her cross the red line painted on the floor like a barrier between life and death. She wanted to, but she couldn't cross it. She wouldn't.

"How's Rachel?" Pete automatically asked.

Maggie immediately followed his question with one of her own. "Did they tell you anything dear?"

"How is she? Why aren't you saying anything?" Shelby was begging for any and all information. Kurt and the rest of the family were just as hungry for the knowledge as well.

"I don't know anything." She answered sadly, wishing she had good news to share. "They don't know anything yet. She had a pulse and they were working on her. That's really all I know."

"How can that be all you know?!" If she couldn't have answers, the anger amidst the questioning would have to suffice. "It's great that her heart was beating on its own, but what good would that do if she isn't breathing?! Oh god…" Her own words repeated in her mind. "Was she not breathing on her own? Can she breathe? Is she… Is she dying?"

"Hey Shelby." Casey snapped. "Look at me." She did. Shelby looked to her sister with a dazed expression. "She is not dying. Do not think like that. I won't let you think like that. She is in good hands." Casey wasn't sure who she was trying to convince more, herself or her family. "She's going to be ok. I know she will."

"Casey she's…"

"I know Shel. I know. Look, they said they'd let us know the moment they had any answers. My pacing hasn't been helping and you look like…" Censoring herself seemed like the best move. "Let's all just sit down and wait. They'll tell us as soon as they know." Shelby simply nodded. That was all her mind would allow her to do. Her body couldn't even guide itself to the chairs. Her mother helped with that. Kurt, however, was the one that remained unmoving. "Kurt, come sit with us." Casey was trying to keep it together and, though she didn't know how much more she could fit on her plate, she couldn't leave him standing there looking so lost. So, gathering the little strength she had left, she made her way over to the doors Kurt was standing beside, and made her first move. "What is it Kurt?"

"I hate hospitals." He said meekly. His mother died in one. His father nearly died in one. Rachel couldn't die in one. Too many people in his life ended up there. Why?

"We all do kid." She said with a kind, playful smile that, though genuine, wasn't nearly as bright and comforting as it should've been.

"I don't get it."

"Get what?"

"How did this happen?" He was no longer talking to her; rather, he was talking to himself. How did it happen?

"I wish I knew. Come on. Standing here isn't going to get us news any faster and if a trauma comes in, I really don't want to see you get trampled." With her arm wrapped around his shoulder, Casey led Kurt to the chairs the family occupied.

And there they sat. All of them just gathered in this small waiting area and they did the only thing they could. They waited and they sulked; the emotions stewing around. It was an interesting bunch. Shelby with her head in her hands sitting next to her mother and father who were holding each other. Kurt impatiently sat across from them, his leg shaking in anticipation. Next to him was Casey, who sat back in the chair as deep as it would allow like she was hoping for it to swallow her whole while just trying to breathe. Across the room, an angry, messed up Puck stood leaning against the wall watching. What else could he do? He wanted to punch something. He wanted to be closer to them to get the news he wanted, but he knew he couldn't. They were all so different, yet all in the same boat. No matter how different they all were, they were all feeling the same things.

Guilt… There was a lot of guilt going around that room. Shelby, Casey, Puck, Kurt, even the grandparents were feeling it to some degree. They all had their reasons; legitimate ones. Worry and guilt was all they could feel. There was enough guilt in the air to smother them all.

Shelby was hating herself for not doing more sooner. She thought she was doing what was best. Though, she realized, ignoring the signs for so long definitely wasn't in anyone's best interests. But she did eventually take action. It just wasn't enough. She waited too long. She waited for it to be forced on her for any real steps to be taken. By that time, things were already so deep and she just didn't know it. What kind of mother did that make her? Forget what kind of mother that made her, what kind of person was she? How could she just do nothing and expect it all to just go away?

The grandparents weren't sure what was happening, but the guilt was still there. When talking to his wife, Pete learned that she had an unexpected conversation with their eldest about a student with a potential problem. They were beginning to realize said student was their little girl's little girl. They were guilty of not figuring it out. Maggie was wondering how she didn't see it. In many ways, Pete was too. They noticed how small the girl was the first time they met her. Maggie even made some Maggie like compliment about how thin she was and how they needed to fatten her up. And even after the semi hypothetical talk with Casey, Maggie didn't put it together.

Would knowing they were discussing Rachel have changed anything? Would them knowing make anything different? Maybe it would have, and that would have made them feel all that much worse. If they could've done something, they should have. What happened next? They still didn't know anything and learning it then may just make it an after the fact thing.

Casey pondered every decision she made regarding her niece. Shelby seemed incapable of admitting there was an issue, thus incapable of making any decisions. That left her. So she made the decisions. She forced her opinions on Shelby and look where they ended up. They were in a hospital praying that Rachel would be ok. And they didn't know that she would be. Were those choices wrong? Were her choices what led them there? Was she the reason? What could she have done differently?

Puck and Kurt had a different brand of guilt. They knew things. They really knew things. And they said nothing. So there was anger welled within. They knew there were things they ignored and things they chose not to change. There were things they should've taken head on before and when they finally made the choice to help, it was… well they were where they were. That seemed to say it all. They were going to help. They had a plan. The plan just came at a time where it no longer mattered.

One thing was clear. They were all sure that whatever was happening with their common ground, with Rachel, it was because of her disease. It was because of her affliction. They were there because she was hurting and thus hurting herself and none of them stopped it. There was no doubt about that. They were there because a monster crept into their lives and took over their loved one. Rachel was consumed by her disorder and no one really cared enough to fix it when they had the chance.

They didn't want it to be too late. And since there wasn't much else they could do at the time, they just festered in their guilt.

"Rachel Berry?" A man called from the swinging ER doors; the same daunting doors they weren't allowed to pass.

"I'm her mother!" Shelby jumped up. Answers; she wanted answers. He had them.

"Ms Berry, good. I'm Dr. Cane. I'd like to ask you a few questions." Everyone was standing around them now. The entire group surrounded the doctor. "Alone." The doctor added as he motioned for them to move to a more secluded area just a few feet away. She didn't see the reason for that. They were all family.

Before she could protest, Casey said, "It's ok. We'll be right over there." Level headed Casey made a return.

"Fine." They moved just far enough to be out of earshot, but they could still see everything. Puck, who still remained unseen, moved from lingering around there to go somewhere he needed to be. "What's going on with my daughter?"

"Your daughter was brought in after losing consciousness." She was aware of that.

"And?" She needed more. She needed to know the why, the who, the everything.

"She's stable now. Though she has yet to regain consciousness, we have administered some medication we believe will help her."

"Help her how?"

"She had an episode of tachycardia."

"What do you mean? What's that?"

"It's a heart arrhythmia where…"

"Her heart?" The panic was overwhelming, like nothing they ever felt before. The heart was vital. If something harmed her heart… She didn't want to think it.

"Yes, her heart was beating too quickly. But, at this time, we don't know why. So, I'd like to ask you a few questions so we can better treat your daughter."

Her mouth felt dry, but she nodded anyway. Her daughter's heart… "Anything; ask me anything."

"Does she have a history of drug abuse?"

"Drugs?!" She shouted, before reigning it in. "She is not on drugs."

"Given her stature, we'd expect…"

"I don't care what you expect! My daughter is not on drugs." She was adamant. She believed her words.

"I know this can be hard, but if there is any history, if there is anything in her system, it's best we know right away. We can wait for the tox screens to come back, but knowing now can be the difference between a full recovery and long term damage. We don't want the medication we've administered to react with anything that may be in her system."

"Don't you think I would tell you? I know her." Though she didn't… not really. "She wouldn't do drugs."

"It's important that we know everything. She is being treated right now, but we need to figure out what triggered the event in order to prevent this from happening again."

"Well it wasn't drugs."

"Excuse me." A timid voice interrupted them as they turned to see who it was.

"What is it Kurt?"

"Well, I couldn't help but overhear and…" How was he supposed to say it?

"I'm sorry you had to overhear that Kurt. We both know it's not true and hearing even the idea is just ludicrous." She gave an angry glare at the doctor.

"Ma'am…"

"No, don't 'ma'am' me."

"Shelby." Kurt interrupted before the anger could get the best of her. "That thing I wanted to talk to you about…"

"Now really isn't the time Kurt." Shelby was getting frustrated. She wasn't getting the answers she wanted, she still had a ton of questions, and Kurt wasn't help anything.

"It is… I was… When we were…"

"Excuse me son, but I really need to discuss a few more things with her to better treat your friend."

"I know, but this is important…" He hung his head low. "She… I… We…"

"Please spit it out. Time is of the essence here Kurt." If the doctor was there listening to them bicker or whatever, who was helping Rachel?

"We saw her take something. That was what I wanted to talk to you about." His words, though heard, were said so quietly and so shyly. It was like he was ashamed. And he was. He didn't ever want to be the one to tell her. He didn't even want to know. He wished it wasn't true. But he needed to be the good man he was raised to be, suck it up, and do what he could do to help his friend. That meant talking to Shelby about what he saw.

"You saw her take what Kurt?" Her face was a mix of anger and shock as her hands grasped tightly against his shoulders.

"I don't know. We saw her take something." He couldn't help but be a little scared by the fury that Shelby wore. He knew she wouldn't hurt him, but she wasn't really herself then.

"Something like for a headache something? Or something else?"

"Something else… I don't know what it was."

"Did you ask her about it? Maybe it was her prescription." Anything to rationalize it away. She couldn't see Rachel doing that. Yes, she was a teenager, and a struggling one at that, but drugs? Really? That wasn't her Rachel. But was Rachel ever hers to begin with?

"It wasn't Shelby. Santana…"

"Santana what?" She quickly asked. What did that girl have to do with anything? She wasn't even there.

Not ignoring Shelby, but choosing not to look anywhere in her direction, Kurt looked to the doctor and said, "I'm not sure what it was, but she took something before. I don't know if she took it again, but it didn't look like the first or last time she took the pills."

"Thank you for being honest. I'll have the lab expand the screenings and find out if she took anything and if she did, what exactly it was. She's in good hands Ms…"

"Shelby, just… just call me Shelby."

"Ok Shelby. You'll be updated when we know more."

"Thank you." With a last nod, he headed back through those doors, hopefully to treat her daughter and make her good as new again. Hopefully…

Though, the prospect of good as new for any of them didn't seem likely. No matter what the outcome, they were all changed in some way; in some significant way. Maggie and Pete were no longer in the dark. Shelby was no longer able to underplay what it was. Casey couldn't just let her sister be so passive. Irreparable damage could've already been done because of their choices and their lack of action. That passivity was just as harmful as doing nothing. So no more of that. She needed to really step up. She needed her sister to be the mother she knew she was capable of being. And Kurt, he was just full of question. Why didn't Rachel come to him? How come he didn't do anything? How did it happen? When did it start? Why didn't he see how bad it got?

Puck though, he was possibly feeling the most. She was the girl he loved. Did they say that to each other? No. But that didn't make it any less true and it didn't mean he didn't want to say it. Neither of them was emotionally capable of saying it before. And maybe they wouldn't be after, but they wanted the chance. So he stood in the hall where he knew he shouldn't have been, looking through the glass windows as a mass of medical personnel tried to help his girlfriend. What if they couldn't? How would he survive without her? He didn't even want to ponder the thought as his body sank down to the floor. He was a strong boy… a man, but he sure didn't feel it then. She'd probably be ok, he rationalized, but that, even slight, chance that she wouldn't was enough to send him crumbling. He needed her.

They all did and they weren't even aware of how much…

Back in the waiting room, Shelby didn't know how to react to Kurt's news. "Why didn't you say something sooner?" It came out accusatory.

"I didn't know what to say. Santana and I…"

"Santana?"

"Yeah… We saw her take something at Nationals."

"Nationals? That was…"

"I know." He spoke with defeat.

"You should've come to me. You should've said something." The anger was back.

"We didn't know what to do. We didn't…"

"You should've told me Kurt!"

"Hey… Hey, Shelby. He's just a kid. It's not his fault."

Teary eyed, she looked to Casey and said, "She was taking something Case. She was taking something. They knew and they said nothing. He didn't say anything."

"It's not his fault. It's not."Casey said while looking to Kurt so he knew it was true. Nodding, Shelby allowed her sister to pull her in for a hug as the tears started flowing.

Managing to calm as best they could, everybody took their respective "corners." Separation was about all they could handle. Too much togetherness wasn't in anyone's best interest. So they sat and waited for what felt like forever. It was agony again. The waiting usually was. There was nothing they could do but relinquish all control and leave things in the hands of others. But how did they all just trust these strangers to want the same things they did? How did they entrust such an important life with someone they barely knew? There couldn't be any second guessing. There wasn't any time. They just had to see what happened. They had to what to see if they had faith in the right people…

"It's going to be ok." Shelby would hear that occasionally. She watched as Casey tried talking to an even more emotional Kurt. She was sorry for that. She didn't want to yell at the kid. He knew that. They all did, but she was letting it get the best of her. When she needed to be the ice queen known as Coach Corcoran, she could barely manage to be more than a blubbering mother. And some mother she was. To her, it was all her fault.

It took forever, literally only hours, but someone eventually came out to talk to them. "She's stable." They were told. "We're moving her into a room. You can see her when she's settled and Dr. Cane will be in to speak with you shortly."

"Thank you." That seemed to be all they could say and they all said it.

Casey and Shelby were the chosen two to see her first. That was a rule. Two at a time and only family members were allowed because visiting hours were coming to an end and that was hospital policy. People were trying to recover there. There needed to be some decorum. They sent Kurt home. Santana came to pick him up, something Shelby didn't take too easily. She wanted to say something but it wasn't the right time. She let it go. For Rachel, and because her sister's tight squeeze kept her from doing much of anything. She just wanted to see her kid. And she knew it wasn't Santana's fault either. Just like Kurt, even if they did know and should've told her, they were kids. They handled things the nest they knew how. She was an adult and she could barely handle any of it. So it wasn't their fault.

It felt like one of the best moments of her life when the doctor told her Rachel was ok. They had the situation under control. She was stable and resting comfortably, though, some of the medicines they had her on would make her groggy and tired, thus, Dr. Cane informed them, they didn't expect her to wake up for a while and if she did, only for a short time. When they brought her to her daughter's room, she really had to take a moment. Casey too.

With Rachel, even in the short time they've been together, Shelby wasn't exactly a stranger to the hospital. The concussion, though, didn't compare to that. Walking in and seeing her daughter hooked up wires and monitors was… was not at all what she was prepared for. When she heard the word "ok," she assumed ok. Looking at Rachel was anything but ok. She looked frail and weak and pale and sick. If she didn't know better, she'd think the machines were living for her.

Her daughter looked like a ghost; a sick ghost. She didn't remember Rachel looking like that earlier. She didn't see Rachel like that on stage. How could things possibly change so much in the blink of an eye? How did they get to a point so close to teetering over the edge? They were living on the line and it could go either way. They just hoped they had the time and ability to make it work in their favor. They needed to figure things out and fast so they could pull Rachel from the edge.

"Let's speak outside." Dr. Cane motioned for the women to lead the way out the door. It wasn't unusual for parents to ask that of him. Whether the patients could hear or not, the parents wanted the conversation away from them. He willingly obliged their request.

"So…" Casey started. "What was wrong? What happened?"

"You found drugs in her system?" Shelby asked somberly. She knew the answer. She wanted to stay in denial, but she saw it coming. The man needed to work on his poker face.

"We did." He nodded. "A young man told us what she had taken."

"A young man?"

"Kurt?"

"It really doesn't matter Shelby." Casey reminded her.

"You're right. I'm sorry doctor, please continue."

"Given what we know now, we believe that the diet pills she has been abusing in combination with the medical complications presented from her presumed eating disorder caused her body to, essentially, overload. Her blood pressure was through the roof and her heart was racing. Her body couldn't take it so she lost consciousness." He explained to them. He went into further detail, but the logistics really didn't matter. Ok, they did and Shelby took note of everything he said, but what was most important was that Rachel was still Rachel. She was still there. "We managed to treat her." And that was all Shelby really wanted to hear. Electrolyte imbalance this and high levels of that… Those were just things. Those were things that, while important, could be helped. Losing her child wasn't something that could be treated. There was no cure for that ailment. Whatever else was wrong still held a hope as long as Rachel was still alive.

But just when they didn't think things could get any worse, they did. Who was she kidding? Of course they did. "How long has she been hurting herself?"

"We told you." Shelby answered honestly. "We believe it was a problem she has had for a while, but, as far as we know, the eating issues really became a concern over the last year; specifically the last few months."

"And the cutting?" That was where things changed. Both women looked at him with confusion.

"What?"

"Cutting?" Their own questions seemed foreign to their eats.

"The self harm. When did that begin?" He said it so nonchalantly; like it was normal. But to them, it was anything but. It wasn't normal. It wasn't even something that crossed their minds.

"Self… She has been… She hurt herself?" In ways other than the obvious?

"I take it you didn't know?"

"Know? Know what?" She was becoming hysterical.

Sighing, the doctor did his best to say it as tactfully as possible. "While administering the IV, we noticed suspicious scarring on her arm. Further examination showed several other fresh, self inflicted wounds along her body."

If she felt like crying before, it was worse then. She couldn't say that was something she saw coming; not even a little. There were no words of comfort with that. Casey had nothing to say. She just pulled her sister closer and hoped proximity offered some sort of console. "She cut herself?"

"I'm sorry you found out this way. I assumed you had some knowledge of it. The scar on her wrist appears to have been sutured by a professional and fairly recently."

"I… I didn't know." How didn't she know? Why didn't she see it? Was she that blind to all things Rachel?

"I know this is a lot to take in. We can talk more later. For now, why don't you go sit with her?"

"Thank you." Casey spoke for both of them. Shelby was too shell shocked to even attempt the courtesy. "Shelby?"

"She hurt herself Casey."

"I know." She responded with too much emotion for such a simple phrase. "I heard him."

"Did you know she was doing that?" It was an accusation; an angry accusation.

"I had no clue Shel. I didn't know before you did."

"How did we not know? How come I didn't see it?"

"You can't blame yourself for that. It wasn't as obvious as everything else. She could hide that better." She tried to reason.

"Hide it better? All she has been doing is hiding. None of it was obvious." Not really. "She didn't want me to know and I didn't…" She didn't know. How could she? "I didn't know and I didn't try finding out."

"I didn't suspect it Shelby. I don't think you could've seen it."

"I should have. I should've seen all of it before we got here. We shouldn't be here at all." Her head shook like she was trying to erase the memory of the day. "It should never have come to this. Never."

"I know Shel, but this is where we are. Now it's just about where we go next." The sentiment seemed vaguely familiar and not at all comforting. The last next they faced brought Rachel was a hospital. Obviously, their help wasn't helping.

"We still shouldn't be here. It shouldn't have come to this."

While she agreed, Casey wasn't going to say that. "Look, let's go in there and see her. Spending time with her, knowing that she is getting help; that will make things better." Better, but not ok.

"Let's go."

Together, they went into the darkened room, lights dimmed low for optimum patient rest, and sat by their loved one. They both come to love Rachel more than they thought possible. Shelby wanted the chance for more. She realized that she kept her daughter at arm's length and that did nothing but cause them problems. She wanted more than to just provide the necessities, more than to put a roof over her head; she wanted to be her mom. And Casey came to look at Rachel like her child. From the beginning when she first learned about Rachel, she wanted nothing more than to be the best aunt she could, but it became more. She saw a struggling girl so much like her at that age; a mix of who she was as a teen and who her sister was. And she connected with that. She tried to break down those incredibly well built walls and she actually felt she made a dent. So, Rachel was more than just her niece. She was an extension of herself, a part of her like a daughter would be.

Needless to say, seeing the young girl lie in a bed because of something they could've tried harder to prevent wasn't easy on any of them. She was out of her leotard, changed in her unconsciousness into a sterile gown. Tucked in like a child, Rachel looked so peaceful. That seemed to be the only word. They were sure underneath that fragile yet strong veneer that she wasn't very serene, but she looked it. It was their only consolation prize; their only provided comfort.

Casey took a seat on one side as Shelby sat on the other. At first, all either did was stare. They didn't want to talk and, with Rachel still asleep, there really wasn't much to say. But the staring became too much. The question became too much. Was it true? It was on both their minds. So Shelby took it upon herself to investigate. Moving just a little closer, she reached for Rachel's hand. She was debating looking. Seeing evidence would mean it was true and she didn't want to fathom it being a reality, but some force within her made her want, no need, to look.

Shelby pulled the IV clad hand to hers, gently caressing it with her thumb. It was motherly and sweet and she wished that was all it was, but it wasn't. It was a stall; a way of buying time before she forced herself to look. She didn't want to look, but she knew there were no other options. Slowly, hesitantly, she tilted Rachel's arm, jostling it a little at a time. She would move it, expose the forearm just a bit, and then stop. She didn't know if she could do it. For her daughter she could; she had to. "To help I have to know." She said to herself.

And after many more moments just like that, she did it. She looked and her heart nearly gave out. There was the stitched scar and numerous cuts. Her baby did that. She did that to herself. What kind of pain had she been in that she needed to do that to herself? What could possibly bring her to that? She was sniffling again. The tears were falling hard as she ran her fingers delicately over the wounds. "What did she do?" She asked no one. "Oh Rachel… What did you do?"

Hearing her sister, Casey looked to her and followed her gaze. Though she knew it was there, she wasn't expecting what she saw. She knew, but she didn't know. Knowing made her ache. "Here too." She said quietly after looking over her other arm, practically mimicking Shelby's earlier actions.

A moment of silence settled as they took it all in. Not only was she mentally unwell, though they tried to get her help with a therapist, but she was physically suffering as well. "Where else do you think she did it?" Shelby asked stoically, doing her best to store away all emotion.

"I… I don't know." She didn't want to think about where else or what else.

"Well, think." It came out bitter and angry, of which, she was both. "The doctor said they found cuts in other places. If you wanted to hide them, where would you do it?"

"It would have to be somewhere easily covered." Casey brainstormed. She had to play along for her sister. Neither of them really wanted to think about it. If they could, they'd have pretended it wasn't happening; a Corcoran special. But they knew they had to know.

"Right."

"Somewhere that wouldn't be easily exposed." Getting into Rachel's headspace wasn't easy and it wasn't a pretty place to be either. It was dark there; dark, gloomy, sad…

"True." She agreed.

"Upper legs? Stomach maybe?" They seemed logical. She wouldn't know though. She never had the desire to know.

Standing, Shelby turned to Casey and said, "Help me."

"Help you what?"

She couldn't do it alone. "Help me see." That was explanation enough. At first, she didn't help. As Shelby started tugging on the blankets, she just watched. It was like a moment of truth. They saw the evidence. It was clear as day, but they weren't ready for the magnitude. They were expecting maybe one or two cuts, not a few dozen in varying healing stages.

The noises they released were a mix between a gasp and a sigh as they examined Rachel. "How long do you think she has been doing this?"

"I don't know."

"Why didn't you know? There had to be something about it in her journal. How come you didn't tell me that?"

"I didn't read her entire journal Shelby. You know that. What I read didn't include this at all. It didn't even hint at it. How was I supposed to know?" She felt the need to be defensive. She didn't know. There was no way she could've. The girl was smart. She used make up to cover up the cuts when she knew they'd be visible and the weather worked in her favor. Cold tended to bring out the sweaters and she wore them all the time. There was nothing suspicious about that. Plus, they were all so distracted by her obvious deterioration that nothing else really crossed their mind. There wasn't room for more problems. At least, they weren't looking for more. Though, they should have been apparently. "What are you doing?" Casey quickly asked as she stopped Shelby's hand. "What are you doing?" She repeated.

"I have to see. I have to see all of it." Shelby said as she, once again, moved to lift Rachel's gown. It may have been an invasion of privacy and it may have been just plain the wrong move to make, but there was no time for that. It was a serious situation and serious situations called for extreme measures. Besides, it was easier to get the truth from a source incapable of telling a lie. It was visual proof of all Rachel's doings and she needed the full extent of it. No more fragmented pieces for her, she needed it all.

"How do you know there's more to see? Maybe that's all there is." The hopefulness in Casey's voice would've been amusing if it wasn't so sad. They may have wanted to believe that what they saw was enough, but they knew, realistically, that it wasn't.

"There's more." She stated firmly.

"How do you know?"

"I know."

"But how?"

"I just do. Are you going to help or are you just going to sit there and watch?"

"I don't think this is a good idea Shel."

"It's the only idea I have right now. So either help me, or head home with mom to be with Beth."

"That's not fair." She wouldn't be forced out, but she didn't want to help her either. "We shouldn't be doing this." Her opinion was clear, but, it didn't stop her either.

"We need to know everything. To help her… We need to know the extent of it." She stared her sister down, eyes pleading for understanding. "Do this for me… Hell, do this for her because we're not going to get another chance. Once she wakes up it's going to be us against her and there won't be any cooperation on her part; just wall after wall." She was pleading. "To help her… To really help her, we need to know."

"Fine." She hated it, but somewhere inside of her, buried under the doubt, she knew knowing all was the only real way to help. "But next time I ask you for any kind of favor, you remember this moment."

"I will. I promise." It was the only trace of a smile they were going to get.

However reluctantly, Casey helped search Rachel for more cuts. They weren't happy with what they found. They seemed to be everywhere. Cuts marred the precious skin of their loved one. And not only that, but it was the first time they really got a good look at her. Without all the layers and without all the bulky sweaters, Rachel was even thinner than they thought. And that never really crossed their minds because they thought she was bare boned to begin with. They didn't think people could be that thin.

"I don't feel better." Casey stated bluntly.

"Me either."

The two women spent the silent night at Rachel's bedside. They wanted to be there just in case Rachel woke up, though they were told she probably wouldn't. They still had to. It was instinctual. It was the only thing about it all that felt right, even if it meant waking up with a stiff neck and aching body. It would've been worth it as long as Rachel didn't wake up alone.

Noah didn't want that either. Logically, and he was capable of common sense and logic, he knew he should've left around the same time the rest of them did, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He knew that Shelby was still there and getting caught hanging around, especially after Shelby witnessed that little make out session way back when wasn't the smartest thing, but he needed to be close by. He needed to see her and he hadn't been allowed in the room at all. But it was the middle of the night. Clearly, everyone in the room was sleeping. No one would even notice if he snuck in and just held her hand. That was all he wanted to do; just let her know that he was there for her and waiting for her to get better. He needed to see her without all the doctors surrounding her trying to stabilize her. He just needed to be near her even if she never knew he was there. He hoped she would feel him there, but even if she didn't, he would know.

So he snuck in. He was good at that. Parents hated that about him. But just being in the room with her made him feel better. The glimpses of her that he had over the day weren't enough. Being there made it better. Seeing her, even still so sick looking, made him better. So he went in quietly, whispered to her sleeping form, and held her hand just like he wanted to. He had a good ten or so minutes to himself before he heard someone moving around.

"Puck?" She asked groggily.

"Uh…" He didn't plan on getting caught. He just couldn't leave. He had to stay until she was awake. That wasn't his plan either; in and out was what he was supposed to do, but he felt compelled to stay. "Hi."

"What are you doing here?" Shelby sat up straight in the chair and tried to blink herself awake.

"Checking on Rachel." He explained like it was expected; not at all like he was a freak sneaking into a hospital room in the middle of the night.

"At 3 in the morning?"

"What's it to you?" She just looked at him cautiously. What was the saying? You catch more flies with honey?

"How long have you two been together?" She questioned.

"She told you we were together?" He wasn't going to step on anyone's toes. If Rachel didn't say anything, which he didn't think she would, he wasn't going to either.

"Noah…" It sounded like a scolding. "Are you together? Or are you just using her?"

"Hey." He took offense to that. "I'm not using her. She's my girlfriend." So much for not saying anything.

"Calm down Noah." She needed to stay calm too. "Does your mother know you're here?"

"Yup."

They both looked to each other with a competing silence. Neither knew what to say or what to do and the late hour wasn't making thinking any easier. "So, how long?" She asked. If quiet wasn't going to get them anywhere, she was going to allow her lack of inhibition and clarity take over and just ask what she wanted asked.

"How long what?"

"How long have you been together? You were both way too handsy that night for it to be the first time you kissed." Neither could really believe that came out of her mouth.

"We've been together a while." Not officially, but still, they have been together for a while.

"Is it serious?"

"Would you keep us apart if I said yes?" He didn't know where the confidence was coming from, but it was there. He wasn't willing to be pushed out of Rachel's life because he was deemed the bad seed. And he wouldn't be kept from Beth either.

"I don't know what I'd do." Honesty…

"How about you don't do anything?" It was a smartass comment that he didn't really think through, but he was taking his anger out on her. He was really just angry with himself; and Rachel too.

"Excuse me?"

"Maybe if you didn't just jump to conclusions and force me out of her life in the first place, we wouldn't be here."

"What?!" She was outraged. What gave him the right to blame her for anything? Even if she was blaming herself, he didn't have the right.

"She was doing better Shelby! She was doing better." He believed that. He was watching out for her, making sure the little things counted and then they just couldn't really spend any time together. Maybe he could've seen it coming. Maybe he could've stopped it; not that he knew exactly what it was, but maybe if Shelby hadn't kept them apart things would've turned out differently.

"I don't appreciate your tone Puck…" But maybe he was right. She didn't know. They all had their doubts and insecurities about the situation. They all had their theories about what could've prevented it from happening. "Sit down Noah."

"Why?"

"It's late. You can stay until the morning, but then you have to go." She didn't have any fight left in her. "The doctor said family only and two at a time. So you shouldn't be here. But, since I'm sure you would've and, well, already did find a way in here, you can stay for now."

"Ok." He wasn't arguing with that. "Can I ask you something?" He spoke after finding a place to sit and settling in. Shelby watching was a bit unsettling. But he got a nod. "What happened?"

"How did you know she was here Noah?" She asked her own question.

"I was at the recital. Raced over here after they took her." He explained.

"She collapsed. Did you know about the drugs?"

"Drugs?"

"It was you right? You brought her bag in?"

"Yeah. I just… You never know right? I saw on some crap TV show that the doctors always check that stuff and I…"

"You wanted to make sure they had all the information." Even in the dark of night, Shelby could see that his concern was genuine. He cared about her daughter whether she wanted him to or not.

"Did you know?"

"What?"

"About the drugs?"

"Not until… No, not really." He really only recently learned about it, and even when he did, he didn't know what she was taking.

"What about everything else?" She questioned. She believed everything else he was saying. She needed to hear the rest. "You said she was doing better. What did you mean?"

"She seemed to be doing better right? I mean, it looked like she was."

"I thought so." She leaned in toward him. "What about the cuts?"

"Cuts?"

"She cut herself." He turned away with guilt. "You knew?"

"She promised she wouldn't do it again…" She wasn't sure he was speaking to her. It seemed so distant and sad.

"So you did know?"

"There was blood and she begged me not to take her to the hospital, so I took her to a family friend who stitched her up… I made her promise. She said it was a onetime thing…" She saw that look on his face, the one that she knew she had been carrying all day. "I should've checked. I shouldn't have believed her."

"Don't do that." She couldn't believe what she was saying but, she was saying it. "As much as I'd like to blame you, and believe me I would, this isn't your fault. I wish you'd have come to me. I wish one of you would've told me something as soon as you found out, but it's not your fault. It wasn't your job to watch her." It was hers. "Listen Noah, I can tell you care about her. You wouldn't be here if you didn't, but this is serious. There's a lot wrong with her." More than she wanted to face. "And come morning, you're not going to see her for a few days."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I'm telling you this in confidence Noah. I will call Kurt in the morning because I know he's worried too, but I expect you to keep this to yourself. This isn't gossip to be spread." She spoke seriously.

"I know." He really did and he would never spread it around. It was no one's business and if people wanted to talk, he'd happily shut them up.

"Once she wakes up, they're going to give her a psych consult and chances are that she will be considered a danger to herself and kept in a psych hold for 72 hours."

"Seriously?"

"She's hurting herself Noah. She landed herself in the hospital and we don't want that again. We don't want to lose her."

"But… She's going to be alright… Right?" His voice was broken.

"We hope so." The sentiment wasn't good enough for any of them, but it was really all they were going to get.

"What happens after?"

"I don't know. That's something we have to discuss as a family. But I'm telling you all of this because you won't be able to see her until she's out of here."

"Ok." There wasn't any other option.

"If people at school ask why she's not there, you can tell them she's sick. I will call Mr. Schue and tell him just that."

"Ok."

Again, nothing was really said. The room was filled with the quiet hum of the machines and the sounds of gentle breathing until Shelby broke it. "Thank you for taking care of her." She said softly.

"Yeah, right. Cuz I did such a great job."

"I wish you came to me. I wish you told me. But you did take care of her. She wouldn't let you take her to the hospital because she was trying to hide things from everyone, but you did what you could. You still got her help. That's something." He just wished it was enough.

Talking seemed to ebb off as they tried to rest. It wasn't very restful though. It was a tough night, or morning as it was, but they made due. Shelby wasn't exactly comfortable with having Puck there with them, but she really didn't see the harm in it either. What was he going to do while Rachel was unconscious? And the little sleep they did get was soothing. The dreams took them away from everything and it was a much welcomed break. But the morning rays of light woke them much too soon. They were surprised that the hourly nurse checks didn't wake them before.

Awake, the nurse no longer felt the need to be kind and informed Shelby that the little straggler that snuck in had to hit the road. Shelby agreed with her. The boy should've been in school anyway. So, she woke him and explained that he stayed longer than he should have. "You have to go now." She said.

"But…" But what? What could he possibly say that would allow him to stay?

"You're supposed to be in school Noah. You need to go home and rest or get to class."

"But…" Again.

"And if it's allowed, I'll tell Rachel to call you when she wakes up."

"Fine." He knew that was the best he was going to get and things seemed to be going better than he expected with Shelby. So he wasn't planning on arguing. He wasn't going to push it. He left and if he had to, he'd sneak back in later.

Still early in the morning, after yet another check in with the nurse and Shelby returning from making a quick phone call, Casey decided she needed to stretch out a little. She headed out to get some much needed coffee for the two of them. The 24 hours they just lived through felt a hell of a lot longer than they should have. It was not something she ever wanted to experience again; not in her lifetime.

But, with Casey gone and the room vacant except for a still sleeping Rachel, which she was told was completely normal when she worriedly asked if it was, Shelby had more time to just look. Her hand was drawn to Rachel's. The scar still seemed so raw and red. She had to wonder how she missed it; how she couldn't have seen it. It all seemed so obvious now. But it really wasn't. Who would expect that? Who would know to look for that? And how did her therapist miss that? Shelby made note to talk to Dr. Matten about that big miss.

There wasn't anything she could do about it then. At that point, all she wanted was for Rachel to wake up and for all of it to make sense to her. Because, none of it did. None of it made sense to her. She couldn't figure it out. So she just remained there. Her finger traced along the scar like it held all the answers. In a way, it did. There was a reason behind each and every one of them, but they weren't any she could just figure out. No matter how much she wished she could, she wouldn't find the answers there. Only Rachel could give her those.

There was something she noticed though and it was something she must've turned a blind eye to for some time. But there was a certain clarity to their situation; a light shined on the problems she chose not to address earlier. Holding Rachel's hand she could see tiny shallow cuts around her knuckles. They weren't self inflicted; at least not like her other cuts. Given the circumstance, she knew they were from the vomiting. Every time she stuck her fingers down her throat, the knuckles brushed against her teeth leaving little nicks behind as evidence of her transgressions. How she missed the things she missed really was beyond her.

It was all just hitting a little too close for comfort when they were alone in the room. There was nothing else to do but dwell. Her daughter, her Rachel, did things to herself that no parent ever wanted to think their child would. It all seemed so unreal, but she was living in this place that made it so impossible to keep it as just a nightmare. It couldn't be that anymore. It was too real. She was living it. Now she had to find a way to live through it and get the people she cared about, mainly Rachel, through it too. And it was a lot harder than it seemed.

"Hmmmm…" The grumbling noise startled Shelby. She wasn't expecting it. Nor was she expecting the hand she was holding to start fidgeting as the girl in the bed started squirming like a toddler wanting out of a crib.

"Rachel?" Her response was an inaudible string of words, or mumbles; noises. "Rachel?" She tried again.

"Shelby?" Rachel was becoming more aware of her surroundings, rapidly blinking to keep the intrusive rays away from her sensitive eyes.

"Hi Rachel." A lightness returned to her voice that had been absent for far too long. It wouldn't last long, but in that moment, all else was forgotten because her baby was back. She was talking. She was there.

"What?" She looked around once more. "Where?"

"You're in the hospital."

"I am?" Everything was fuzzy. There were gaps, big gaps, in her memory and things weren't making sense. Why was she there? What happened? How long had she been there?

"Yeah." There was a gentleness to her mother's voice that Rachel wasn't sure she ever heard before. "How are you feeling?"

"I… I don't know." And she didn't. Things weren't making sense to her. What she was feeling wasn't exactly normal. Things all just seemed out of place. She didn't know what to make of it.

"Are you in pain?" The worry was back in full force. "Do I need to get the doctor?"

"No… No. I'm…" What was she? "Fine."

"You're not fine." Shelby whispered quietly enough that Rachel didn't hear. "Ok." Shelby moved closer toward the head of the bed and brushed some of Rachel's hair out of her face. "Ok."

"I'm tired." Rachel mumbled.

"You've been asleep for a while."

"How long?"

"Almost a full day."

"What happened?"

"You don't remember?" She didn't know if that was for the best or if that was something she should be worried about.

"No… The recital?"

"You did great." She softened.

"I did?"

"Yeah, you were wonderful. I loved watching you dance."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So I did good?" That was what she was worried about? It wasn't anything else of importance. No it was about her performance…

"You got a standing ovation."

"Really?"

"Really, and you deserved it." Despite where they were and what was going on, Shelby was still proud of her daughter's accomplishment. She was still proud and impressed by Rachel's abilities, so she was going to express that. But, the rest of it wasn't forgotten.

"Why am I here?" Rachel asked both worriedly and curiously.

"Hey Shel, they didn't have…" Casey stopped when she saw Rachel. "You're awake?"

"I am." Rachel stated almost shyly. She was much more timid in her current state.

"I'm so happy to see that. Did you let the doctor know?"

"It's almost time for the nurse to check in anyway. I just wanted a little time with her first."

Nodding, Casey moved toward them and asked, "How are you feeling Rach?"

"Fine." She repeated, but she wasn't. She still wasn't anywhere near fine. "When do we leave?" The sooner they were out, the sooner she knew her secrets were still safe. She didn't know they were already all exposed; almost all. She still had a few things hiding up her sleeve.

"You're not…" Casey stopped her sister from saying any more to keep there from being any other problems. Something told her Rachel wouldn't respond well to, "we know everything and you're not going anywhere."

"What she's trying to say Rachel, is that, for now, you're staying right where you are." Rachel wasn't the only one in the family good at spinning the truth.

"But I want to go."

"You don't even know why you're here." Shelby pointed out.

"I was dehydrated right. I knew I should've had more water." There were certain things that she couldn't lie her way out of and she was in one of those then. She could make up whatever story she wanted, but no spin or tale she told would change that they knew too much for her to sway them.

"You were dehydrated…" But that wasn't it. There was more that she knew Rachel knew, but wouldn't accept.

"See."

"But Rachel, the pills…"

"Pills?" She squeaked. How did they know about them? Her body was stiff as she pushed herself up against the pillows.

They were all, especially Rachel, eternally grateful when the nurse came in and interrupted. All bubbly and cheery, she took Rachel's vitals while keeping up some small talk. "I'll page Dr. Cane right away. He'll be happy to see you up and talking."

"Thank you." Shelby answered for all of them as she waited for the young blonde to leave. "Casey, can you give us a minute?" As much as she wanted her sister there for both support and a buffer, she needed to be the grown up and do what needed to be done.

"Don't go." Rachel quickly pleaded. Nothing good would come of the two of them alone with Rachel attached to machines so she couldn't run away. It was an unfair advantage Rachel wasn't willing going to give.

"Actually, I should go. I'm going to call Mark then I'll check in with mom. You two behave."

"Shouldn't you be home with Beth?" There was an edge to her voice; a hint of jealousy maybe.

"No Rachel." She spoke adamantly. "I should be here with my daughter who is in the hospital." Rachel all but scoffed. She didn't believe Shelby believed that herself.

"Well, I don't need you here." There was a sting to her tone that Shelby definitely felt. "You should go."

"I'm not going anywhere." Rachel turned away. "This is where I need to be and I'm not leaving until I know you're ok and we talk about everything we need to talk about. And even then, I'm not leaving."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel asked, "What is there to talk about?"

Deep breath in. Exhale. "Why were you taking drugs Rachel?"

"What?" If she didn't feel so weak, she would've jumped out of bed. Instead, she woozily sat as straight as she could using the raised bed for support. "I didn't take drugs!" Not really; not street drugs. What she took was safe. It was to make her better. That was why she took it, but she couldn't even say that. She knew Shelby wouldn't understand.

"You're lying Rachel. We know."

"You don't know anything."

"Do you want to know why you're in here? Aren't you concerned?" Shelby wanted and needed to see some hint of remorse or concern or something. All she saw was denial.

"No, it was just dehydration. I'm fine." She insisted.

"You are not fine!" And all she wanted was for Rachel to understand that."You're not!"

"I am!"

They were both too stubborn to let the other win so the showdown began. They weren't going to get very far and they were in a limited area, but that didn't stop either of them from trying. So for a good ten minutes, there was nothing but pointless back and forth. Shelby didn't want to yell because she could see that Rachel was still struggling. And Rachel didn't really have the strength to keep it up, but she wouldn't back down either. So they went at it anyway, until Dr. Cane found his way in.

"I see the patient's feeling better." He said as he entered the room and put an end to their fight; a fight he didn't know they were having. "I'm Dr. Cane. How are you feeling Rachel?"

"Like I want to go home." She answered smartly. "When can I do that?"

"How about I examine you before we even discuss that?"

"No thank you." At least she was polite about it.

"Rachel!" Shelby reprimanded.

"It's alright. Let's just get down to business ok?"

"Whatever."

"Are you experiencing any lightheadedness? Blurriness? Anything out of the ordinary?"

"Nope, nope, and nope." Lie, lie, and lie again.

He looked over to Shelby briefly before giving her a skeptical stare. "Follow the light." He said as he pulled out the light pen. "Good." Yeah, good. "Do you remember what happened before you lost consciousness?" Not saying anything, Rachel looked to Shelby. She had no intentions of being honest, but there was even less chance of her speaking freely in front of her mother. In her mind, Shelby could only truly know the truth is she heard it from Rachel and Rachel wouldn't give her that. That was a failure she wasn't ready for. Sensing that to be the case, Dr. Cane turned to Shelby. "Do you mind giving us a minute please? You can wait in the hall, go fill in the family, or do whatever and I'll have someone get you as soon as we are done."

"Ok." She only agreed because she knew she needed to. And, she did have another set of update calls to make. Puck and Kurt were informed and Casey called the family, but she wanted to check on Beth herself and let Renee know what was going on. The younger woman genuinely cared about her student and Shelby appreciated that. So, she'd give them their privacy in hopes that Rachel would actually cooperate. Somehow, she knew that wasn't completely feasible. Whatever, maybe some fresh air would do her some good. Taking her phone and coffee, Shelby headed to the fourth floor's balcony.

Inside the room, the doctor wasn't making much progress. He got Rachel to admit that before passing out, she was lightheaded, had blurred vision, and a few other ailments that helped further his search for answers. "How long have you been abusing the diet pills Rachel?"

"I have not been abusing anything."

"Your tests show high levels of several common components of diet pills in your system."

"Maybe I'm sick."

"Maybe you are. That's why I need you to answer my questions honestly." He said sternly. "How long have you been taking the pills?"

"I only took them that one time." She confessed.

Admitting to one was often a sign of more. He knew she was lying, but at least he got her to admit to taking them. "How many did you take?"

"Just what it said to take on the package."

"Which package? We've found several different brands in your belongings."

"All of them."

Shaking his head, he continued on with the exam. Getting her to answer the questions was tough, but they got through it; barely. He explained to her what happened with her body. Her electrolytes were completely out of sync. Her heart had an arrhythmia. She was dehydrated. Her blood pressure was out of whack. He found traces of mild infection on several of her cuts. Her hemocrit, or blood levels as he explained to her, was low. She was a regular medical exhibit in the making. If there was something that could've been wrong, it was. And she did most of it to herself.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

"No." Asking when she could leave again seemed pointless after it took a good five minutes just to list everything that was wrong with her.

"Your mother should be back soon." It took every ounce of her being not to yell, "She's not my mother!" Self control… "Try to relax. Use the call button if you need to, and a colleague of mine will be in to speak with you shortly." A colleague?

"Who?"

"A staff psychiatrist will be in to speak with you."

"I have a therapist. I don't need another."

"It's protocol Rachel. I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice." She had a choice alright.

Huffing, she just watched the man leave. She didn't want to deal with any of it. She didn't want doctors in her business. She didn't want another therapist trying to get in her mind. And she certainly didn't want Shelby delving deeper into her problems than she already was. So yeah, she had a choice. But, like many of the decisions she was making, it probably wasn't the right one.

That was what usually happened when she felt like she did. Backed up against a wall with nowhere to go, bad choices tended to happen. But she didn't see it that way. She saw it as the right choice. Really, it was the only choice she knew. Lying and not saying what needed to be said was a constant in her life then. She didn't really know how to do anything else. Why would she change that?

Lying in her bed, she just waited. Shelby was coming. She could hear the faint sounds of talking in the hall and immediately recognized Shelby. Waiting sucked. She knew the moment her mother stepped foot in her room, they'd be right back where they started. The older Corcoran would start off easy and then try to jump right in to where they left off before the doctor came in. She didn't anticipate any fun or good times. As soon as the door opened and Shelby snuck in, she knew it was coming.

"How did your exam go?" And the small talk began.

"Fine." It wasn't like he didn't tell her everything anyway. Confidentiality rules… Yeah right…

"Kurt and Noah were here you know." Rachel appreciated that, but she wasn't going to show it.

"Uh huh." She wasn't going to say much. Gestures and mumbles; that was enough for her.

"They're worried about you. They didn't want to leave last night."

"Yup."

"I'm worried about you." That was where the talking stopped. Did she want Shelby to be worried about her? "Rachel, we need to talk about this." She refused to respond. She just pulled the white hospital sheets around her gown clad body and stared off at the wall. "Rachel look at me." But she wouldn't. "Look at me! Please." Still no bite. "Fine. You don't have to talk to me right now, but you will talk to the psychiatrist that should be here soon and we will talk after that." Keep dreaming. "Do you hear me Rachel?" She just wanted some sign that she was getting through; any sign that the efforts they had been making and were continuing to make were not in vain. "Rachel?"

"I hear you." It was something.

"Good." And it was over. Temporarily, it was over.

And after a half hour of not talking about it, the psychiatrist finally came. There was a brief exchange between her and Shelby before the latter excused herself to give them a little space. "I'm Dr. Joy." Huh… Rachel found that name to carry a sense of irony; joy and therapy sessions not exactly synonymous. It definitely seemed… Well it was interesting. "What's your name?"

"Shouldn't you know my name?"

"Yes Rachel. I should, and I do, but I find it's a good starter; an ice breaker of sorts."

"Consider me unthawed."

"So," the doctor cautiously moved closer as she took a seat, "what's going on with you Rachel?"

"Isn't it already in your notes? The doctors told you what they know didn't they?"

"I'm not interested in what the other doctors have to tell me. I'm much more interested in hearing what you have to say."

"Well, then you're out of luck. I don't have anything I wish to say."

"I'm sure that's not true." She broached carefully, trying to break into Rachel's psyche one piece at a time. "I met your mother. She seems nice."

"She's not my mother."

"She's not? Could've fooled me. You look just like her."

"We're only biologically related."

"But she's not your mother?"

"Not in any way that counts." She said to herself. "No."

"Tell me more about that."

"No, thank you. I'd rather not."

"Ok, you don't have to."

"Great, thank you. Does that mean we're done here?"

"Not even close." She said with a gentle smile. "If you don't want to talk about your mother, let's just jump right in." Receiving no sign of anything from Rachel, Joy continued. "Why did you take the diet pills Rachel?"

Though she made the conscious choice to say nothing of value before the session even began, the remark came out of her mouth before she even had time to process it. "Shouldn't it be obvious?"

"What should be obvious?"

"Why do you think people take diet pills? What kind of doctor are you if you don't even have common sense?"

"So you took it to lose weight?"

Her mind wasn't really registering her slight unraveling. She wasn't revealing much specific to her, but she was revealing enough. "Isn't that the purpose of the product?"

"I'm going to ask you a few questions Rachel, and I need you to answer them honestly. Can you do that?"

"Of course I am capable of doing that." And that didn't actually answer the question. Yes, she was capable, but would she?

"Ok." Joy went back to her notes. "Do you make yourself sick because you feel uncomfortably full?"

"What kind of question is that? I don't make myself sick."

"Do you worry you've lost control over how much you eat?"

"No, no… I'm in control of my diet." Things were starting to click for Rachel. She remembered those questions. She answered those questions when she started seeing Dr. Matten, but still, she couldn't do it like before. She was caught on an off day and her walls were shattered.

Making a note of Rachel's response, Joy asked the next question, which Rachel gave another snarky answer to even though the doctor knew that Rachel had indeed lost more than one stone or 14 pounds in a three month span before, and continued from there. "Do you believe yourself to be fat when others tell you you're too thin?"

Yes! Everything in her was screaming the affirmative, but she knew those questions. She knew what the doctor was trying to do and she wouldn't allow it. She was fighting it as best she could. "Of course not." But her body language was betraying her. The first time around she gave a flawless performance. This time, however, it was pathetic. Being hooked up to an IV and dressed in what could barely pass for fabric wasn't helping her cause any. "Why, did someone say something to you?"

"Would you say that food dominates your life Rachel?" No answer; not one she wanted to say aloud anyway.

"Doesn't food dominate everyone's life? Don't people rely on it to survive?"

"Is that a yes?"

"What?"

"Is that a yes to my question?" She barely remembered what the question was.

Confused, she answered, "Sure, yes."

"Ok." And thus, the SCOFF test concluded. It was one of many eating disorder diagnostic tools, one that Joy recognized the previous doctor had tried, but Rachel was uncooperative and skillfully evasive. Sick. Control. One. Fat. Food. SCOFF. Answering yes to just two of the questions was a good indication that an eating disorder was present. And though Rachel did her best not to and wasn't even aware that she did, she had answered yes to at least two.

And as challenging as it was to get her to answer those, it was the easy part. Getting into the real nitty-gritty was going to be the hard part. The mere child before her was stubborn and scared; that much she could tell. Cracking her would be a challenge, but it was one she wanted to take on. But, it wasn't something that would happen in one visit. That didn't mean she wasn't going to even try.

"How long have you been making yourself sick Rachel?"

"I told you, I haven't."

"Your mother thinks that it has been going on for well over a year."

"I thought you didn't care what anyone else thought." She snapped. Who gave Shelby a voice in the matter? Her opinion shouldn't have counted for anything.

"I don't, but if you don't talk to me, I have to get my information somewhere."

"Well, not from her."

"Then from who?"

"Is no one an option? I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine."

"Do you really believe that? Do you honestly believe you're fine?"

"Yes." She said with conviction. "I am fine."

"Then why are you in the hospital?"

"Because I didn't drink enough before my recital." She stated.

"Is that really what you believe?" Honestly, she wasn't sure what she believed anymore. She wasn't sure about much at all.

"You don't have to believe it. It's the truth."

"I never said I didn't believe you. I was simply asking if that was truly what you believed."

"Well, it is."

"When was the last time you went to the dentist Rachel?"

"What? How is that relevant?"

"It's just a question."

"I don't know. Two years ago maybe. Why?" There was that one time when Miss Pillsbury flame of the moment was a dentist.

"It's my job to ask questions." Joy explained.

"About my teeth?"

"About whatever I find relevant."

"And my teeth are relevant?"

"Do they hurt?"

"No." Yes. Though she made sure to take great care of her teeth, the vomiting wasn't exactly conducive to their perfection. Sore teeth were something she became accustomed to.

"Never?"

"Sometimes, but that's perfectly normal." She'd never tell Shelby to take her to the dentist. She wasn't a baby. She didn't need their help anymore than she needed to be in the hospital. None of it was necessary.

"On occasion, yes." But she highly doubted it was anywhere normal or occasional in Rachel's case. A dentist would've recognized the effect of the vomit on the teeth and Rachel didn't want to risk being found out; that was her opinion anyway. "How'd you get those cuts on your hand?" Joy's hazel eyes looked toward Rachel's hand, the same one Shelby was examining earlier. The feeling of the older woman's eyes all over her made Rachel self conscious. Instinctually, she pulled her hand out of view and placed it under the blanket.

"They're paper cuts. I'm very crafty."

"You are crafty." But she meant it in a very different way. The woman could see why so many people would be fooled by the girl. If they didn't have the solid evidence that she had and Rachel put on one of her shows, she knew it'd be easy to be swayed. But she wouldn't allow that this time. Rachel was sick and she wanted to help. There was no more slipping through the cracks because of policy and manipulation. The last therapist couldn't force the issue past her recommendations for whatever reasons, but she could. And she would. "What about the other cuts?"

"What other cuts?"

"The ones on your arms."

"I don't have any cuts."

"What about on your legs?"

"I don't have any there either."

"And your stomach?"

"What? Have you seen me naked? I don't think that's appropriate." She was outraged.

"Is that an admission Rachel?"

"I'm not admitting to anything. I didn't do anything."

"Do you ever think about ending your life?"

"What?" Her eyes bulged. The thought crossed her mind and even she knew that was crazy. No one ever needed to know about that. They'd send her away. They'd try to "help" her by taking away all that was good in her life. "No… Never." She'd kill herself before admitting anything.

They talked a little more, but they didn't get very far. After the suicide question, Rachel clammed up more than before. She didn't say much at all really. It was a major roadblock. However, they did make good progress before that. Dr. Joy learned enough to make her recommendation. She knew what she wanted to say and knew what she wanted to tell the parents.

Once Dr. Joy left, Rachel was alone. She actually preferred it that way. Since she woke up, there was always someone around. There were always eyes on her. There was always something. She didn't want to be a spectacle people watched. Not in the way she was. Her dream was the limelight of Broadway, not the florescent lights of the Psych ward. But that was where she was headed. She didn't like it one bit. And the solitude she craved didn't last long as a morose Shelby entered the room; a false warm smile on her face.

"How did it go?"

"Fine." She refused to look at her mother. Her emotions were a bit of a mess and she couldn't let Shelby see. She didn't deserve to see and Rachel didn't deserve the possible comfort.

"Ready to talk now?" Rachel shook her head, turned on her side, and pulled the blankets as far up as they could go without engulfing her completely. "I know you don't want to talk, but we have to." Another shake of the head vibrated through the linen. "Well, then at least listen to me." That got no response. "You're not ok. What you're doing is not ok. We can't deny this any longer. This isn't ok." She had something eloquent planned. It was all worked out in her head; a speech she perfected, but that was what came out. It was nothing like what she anticipated, but it was what she offered.

"I'm not crazy." Rachel whispered, just loud enough for Shelby to hear.

"No, you're not crazy. No one thinks you are."

"Everyone thinks I am. You think I am. But I'm fine. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm fine!" She yelled.

"If you truly believe that Rachel, you're even less fine than I thought you were." And she didn't think that was possible.

That was the last significant conversation they had before Rachel was discharged. She wasn't allowed any visitors during her treatment and after, Rachel just didn't have much to say at all. So they were going home where Rachel would remain in a state of isolation. She wasn't going back to school yet; for the rest of the week she thought, but she was wrong. It was going to be longer than that. And Shelby wouldn't allow any friends over. She was, however, allowed to text and call people. It was awkward. That was for sure. She could tell they all had something to say but didn't actually know how to or maybe they truly didn't want to say it. Instead, they pussyfooted around the obvious. Santana tried talking to her in ways that were so unlike her. Kurt seemed timid and that wasn't him. And Noah was, as sweet as he was, cautious with her. It was like they were waiting for her to break. It was all a crazy mess and it was getting to her. It was only the beginning and it was getting to her. Needless to say, she kept contact with everyone to a minimum.

Meanwhile, Shelby was just as much a mess as Rachel was, just for different reasons. She and Casey managed to convince their parents it was best that they left. They offered to stay longer and help with Beth and whatever else they could offer to help with, but Shelby didn't want that. No, she did. She wanted that, but she couldn't accept it. They wanted to be a part of Rachel's life and they wanted to be there for all of them. Shelby wanted that too. She wanted to be able to rely on them and to help forge the grandparent relationship they wanted. But Rachel wasn't in the right frame of mind to do that. They understood that and took the hint after a little cajoling, and headed back home without getting to see Rachel. It broke their hearts, but they did it because they believed that was what needed to happen.

And as the days began to pass and there was more time to think as she took some time off from work to be with Rachel, it gave her more time to let it all sink in. The deeper it sank in, the deeper it hurt and the more it weighed on her. She never let Rachel out of her sight. She wouldn't even let the girl go into her own room without her since she hadn't had the nerve to search it like she needed to. So they were confined to each other and it made things clearer. There were certain things that were said during her daughter's hospital stay that she just couldn't get out of her head. There were certain moments that just stuck with her most. And that lead her to where she was. She and Casey were trying to come up with what came next and they were hitting roadblocks at every turn.

"_I'm waiting to hear what the on staff psychiatrist has to say first, but I think we're going to keep her on a 72 hour psych hold as we administer treatment and try to get her hydrated."_

"_But she's going to be ok?"_

"_Well, we don't believe that her heart problems are permanent, though we will have to monitor that with regular tests. And we are working on getting everything back to normal." He paused. _

"_So she's ok then?" Shelby hoped. _

"_Not if she keeps this up. My recommendation is that you use this time to find a treatment facility, one that specializes in the help she needs and try to get her situated there. This isn't something that's just going to disappear. It has been my experience that it only gets worse. I can have our resident refer you to some places, but I wouldn't wait to get her the help she needs. We can only hold her for so long and after that, it's back to doing whatever she does. And she almost died this time. There may not be a chance next time."It felt so final. It was the nail in the coffin._

"_I'll uh… I'll look into it."_

Shelby could hear that conversation on a loop. And that was only one of many. Dr. Joy's assessment was just as grim.

"_Ms. Corcoran."_

"_Shelby, call me Shelby please." Her nerves were emanating. _

"_Alright Shelby. Dr. Cane and I discussed this and we believe it would be best that we keep her in a psych hold."_

"_Oh… Oh-kay." _

"_But that's only a temporary solution."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I think it's best you look into long term care."_

"_Like…" Simple babble came out of her mouth. It wasn't the first time it was suggested to her, but it was the first time that it felt like more than a request. It was a wakeup call. _

"_I know it's difficult as a parent to fathom leaving your child in a facility away from home and away from you, but it could mean the difference between her getting better, living a long healthy life, and her living until she dies."_

"_Dies?"_

"_This isn't a new problem for her. It's clear that her issues with food and control have been building for some time. I spoke with Dr. Matten about my findings and she agrees with me. When she first started seeing Rachel, after you shared with her your concerns, she used a questionnaire commonly used for diagnosis. I used the same questionnaire today and compared how Rachel answered. With Dr. Matten, Rachel's answers were clear, concise, and all relatively acceptable."_

"_And with you?"_

"_Her answers became wishy-washy. It was evident to me that, like with Dr. Matten, she knew what she needed to say and what the answers should be."_

"_But?"_

"_But she couldn't control herself and her answers like before. Although the extent of the disease and her rituals have yet to be determined, I don't believe I'm jumping to any conclusions by saying I'd readily diagnose her with bulimia. Somewhere within her, she knows she has a problem. She doesn't want the help and she doesn't believe she needs it, but it's escalating. Her problems are getting out of control and it's dangerous." Shelby nodded in agreement doing her best to control her emotions. She was having a hard time with it. "And every day she doesn't get better, she's getting worse."_

"_And you think this is the best treatment option?" Shelby asked. It wasn't that she didn't want to get Rachel help. She was afraid of losing her daughter forever if she let her go. _

"_Her body mass index is on the low side of low. She's having issues with her heart and blood pressure. Not only is she making herself sick, but she's cutting herself as well. She's falling deeper and deeper into this and it's possible she may very well die without the help she needs." The tears were welling in Shelby's eyes. "That's not what anyone wants." Dr. Joy explained. "And I know it's not what you want to hear, but you need to hear it. She needs help before she can't be helped. I've seen patients better off than her die from this disease and I don't want your daughter to be another victim to an eating disorder." She reached into her pocket, pulled out a small, folded, white rectangle and passed it to Shelby. "This has several names and numbers for a few different facilities in the area as well as my personal card. Look them up, do your research, pick whichever you feel most comfortable with, and get her help…"_

Every single word said stayed with her. How could it not? But the words "she almost died" and "she may very well die" played over and over in her mind. They both said it. Her baby girl, her daughter that she thought she may never get the chance to know but found her way into her life, almost died before they had a real chance. She couldn't let that happen. She wouldn't. It was serious. She almost died and there was still a chance that she could. And that was a chance that she wasn't willing to take.

So, on the lazy Friday morning, Casey and Shelby came to a meeting of the minds. They were trying to pick a place. Shelby called them all after doing the research with Casey. Most of them were full up, which wasn't reassuring at all, and they were looking for a place to send Rachel; one that catered her needs and made them all comfortable. No matter what they chose, it was going to be hard, they realized. "I should've listened to you Casey. We should've put her in a treatment facility the moment that journal was in our hands. The things I read… How did I let this happen?"

"You…" Rachel stepped out from behind the half opened door. She missed most of the conversation, but she got enough of it. They knew more than she wanted them to and they were planning to "fix" her. She didn't want that. She didn't need that.

"Rachel, what are you doing down here?" Casey tried to play it off like she didn't hear them; like Rachel couldn't have heard what they said. But the mention of her daughter got Shelby to follow Casey's line of sight. Of course Rachel would show up then…

"You read my journal?" Her voice sounded so hurt and betrayed and they weren't expecting to hear it. "How… How could you do that?"

So this chapter is kind of like part one of three. This one and the next two (or one and a halfish) happen over the span of a few days. They're all connected and very important. This is what the whole story has been building to. Hang on, because it's going to get emotional. Hopefully I can pull it off.

So, my goal with this story is to be finished with it by the end of June. I'm hoping I can do it so I can follow my summer plans without feeling guilty and neglectful.

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guest 1) I'm excited too! Things are happening now; serious things. 2) It was a cruel way to end it, I know, but it had to happen. I think it had to happen to get everything out in the open (almost everything. Rachel's family was all there, so it was the perfect time to make it happen. 3) The jig is up, and you're right. The denial is still flowing strong through Rachel. It's an addiction she can't see. It's not a problem to her; it's a way of life. 4) I know you are. I'm sorry I kept you waiting. 5) Eating disorder clinic? It would seem that way. We'll see how that goes over. I think that would be realistic. But nothing is said and done until it's written and read. 6) I'll do my best to give 2 updates this month. I, apparently, need to learn to budget my little free time better. I will try though. You all deserve it. 7) I'm sorry, but it does feel good to know people are anxious for updates. You should get an account; it can't really hurt can it?

**seacat03**** Thank you. The plan was always to stay as close to the show as possible why still altering it enough to create fiction. The New York stuff was similar to the show, but it had a Puckleberry twist and some hate on Rachel time. But the basis of it like the Nationals loss and location was show based. Yes, seeing the pills being taken was a pivotal thing. **

ddbddb123 Saying it every time doesn't get old. Not to me. And those things will happen (maybe). I have a feeling Rachel will let loose on Shelby in a way we haven't really heard from her yet. I am evil though for leaving you all hanging like that. Casey and Shelby learn quite a bit this chapter and it does make denial hard for all of them. I love that people seem to like Casey. I say that all the time, but she's a character I created and people seem to enjoy her, so it makes me happy. Things are heating up in the Affliction universe, but it has only just begun. PS, I love long reviews!

Allthingsbrightandbeautiful3 26 Thank you! I don't think ok is a term generally used to describe Rachel in this universe, but I don't know. What do you think? Is she ok? She's alive…

CarolineSC Them dating does make Finn and Rachel more appealing, but there's just something about Finn the character that I just don't love. I love all of Puck. But, I don't mind Finchel all that much. I just prefer my Puckleberry.

Happy. fantasy Sorry. It doesn't seem like it, but I do try to be timely. Things just seem to pile up right when I have time for writing.


	38. Proclamations

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

So, this one was incredibly difficult to write and get right and the next one will be harder. I have to take my mind to places I don't necessarily want to be, but I want the chapters to be realistic and the next few chapters require lots of emotion; especially the next one. I think I might have to break out my go to 'never watch when in a good mood' movie and the depressing tunes on my iPod. Anyway, here's the standard apology. I'm sorry for the wait. But here's the chapter now. Enjoy.

Chapter 38: Proclamations

"You read my journal?" Her voice sounded so hurt and betrayed and they weren't expecting to hear it. "How… How could you do that?" Not only were they doing one of the things she feared and attempting to send her away, but they invaded her privacy. They read sacred text. To her, it was like stealing a bible from church. That just wasn't ok.

"What?"

"How could you do that?"

"Rachel, please relax." Casey attempted to calm her.

"How can I possibly relax?!" She was infuriated; with right. "Did you do it? Did you read my journal?" Betrayal cut through her like a knife. "What about you Casey? Did you read it too?"

"Rachel, please…"

"No! I want an answer. Did you read my journal? Yes or no?"

"Come sit down." Shelby just wanted her daughter to hear her out; to allow her to grovel or something, anything. They should've closed the door or… or something. Rachel was never supposed to know what they did. "Please. Come sit down and we can talk." She just needed to hear why they did what they did. She'd understand. They'd make her understand.

"I don't want to talk. I want to hear you say it." Neither of the older women made any move to speak. They simply stood there at a loss as they listened to Rachel's demanding voice. "Did. You. Read. My. Journal?" They still did nothing. All she wanted was an answer, preferably a believable lie so that her entire life wouldn't change because of a simple statement. "Why is that so hard to answer?! Why aren't you answering?!" Did you read my journal or not? Yes or no?"

"Rachel, don't do this…"

"Don't do this? Don't do what? I didn't do anything. It was you." She pointed to her mother and then to Casey. "And you. And you won't even admit it to me. So I'm asking you again. Did you read my journal?" She was as calm as she was going to be. It felt like shards of glass were ripping through her heart. How could they? Just… Just how could they?

"Yes Rachel I did." Shelby admitted. Never in her life did she think she'd be in the middle of her study with her sister by her side, both of them being questioned by her soon to be seventeen year old daughter. Good times…

"Say it." Once it was said, once it was admitted and out in the open, it'd be real and the thoughts in her mind would spiral. She just didn't know how to make heads or tails of the situation. But still, she demanded the truth.

"I read your journal Rachel. Not all of it, but I read it." She admitted and the betrayal on her daughter's face was nerve wrecking.

Rachel's breathing came in pants as she verged on the edge of hyperventilating. "And you Casey? Did you read it? Did you read it too?" Was it some kind of conspiracy? What did they expect to get from that?

"I'm sorry Rachel. I did." If Casey ever saw defeat before, she didn't see it quite like that. Rachel's eyes were wet with tears as she sniffled and practically gasped for air. They caused that. They did that to her.

"You…" She pointed and angry finger at Shelby. "You I expect this from. You I can see doing this; purposely hurting me. This has the makings of Shelby Corcoran, bitch ice queen extraordinaire written all over it. Reading my private thoughts for whatever sick pleasure it gave you, but you…" And she turned to Casey, a deadly glare and pain filled eyes met with older, equally messed up eyes. "I actually trusted you. I came to you when I needed someone. I believed in you and you did this. Why? Why would you do this to me? What did it give you? What was the purpose?"

"I'm so sorry Rachel." Casey cried.

"Sorry isn't good enough. I want to know why! Why hurt me?"

"We were trying to help you!" Casey screamed. How could Rachel not see that?

"Help me? How were you trying to help me?! How could that have possibly helped me?!"

"Rachel, you needed help." Shelby stepped in. She still needed help.

"We had our suspicions, but we didn't really know what was going on with you."

"And we needed to know."

"So that led you to my journal? In what world does that make sense? You don't see me snooping through your things because I want to know what guy mommy's slutting it up with or what's going on in your life. So why do this?"

"We saw the opportunity and we took it." Casey moved closer to her niece. "But don't blame your mom. It wasn't her idea. I found your journal in your sister's room and after really thinking it over I just read it. I knew something was wrong and I needed to know what was going on. But it wasn't Shelby. It wasn't her idea. I had to make her do it. Don't blame her. Don't be angry at her. If you want to blame anyone," Casey reached out to Rachel, "then just blame me."

"Blame you?" Rachel hissed as she pushed her aunt away. "Of course I blame you. I blame both of you. You had no right! No right!" The tears were flowing freely and attempting to mask them by swiping at them with the sleeve of her sweater but it was only was making it worse. "That was mine. Those were my words, my thoughts, and you had no right to invade them!"

"Rachel, you're sick and you're hurting. We just wanted…"

"I'm sick and I'm hurting and you wanted to what? Make it worse? Because that's all you did. You both just made everything worse." Her voice just became louder.

"You have a problem Rachel. We saw the signs, but you wouldn't talk to us."

"We needed the whole truth and that was the only way to get it."

"No, you could've asked. You could've paid attention. You could've cared. Instead, you act like you really care about me, rope me in, then do the one thing I don't know how to be ok with. I can't believe this… I can't believe you." Then to no one but herself she said, "I can't believe this is happening. Why is this happening?"

"We are so sorry Rachel, but it had to be done."

"It had to be done. We love you."

"You love me?!" It felt like one big joke. It all felt like one big cosmic joke being played on her. "If you loved me, if you even cared about me at all, you wouldn't have done this. You would've left things alone. You would have just stayed out of it!"

"What we did, we did for you because we love you."

"Because you love me…" Rachel patronized. "Well, I don't love you. Right now, I don't even like you a little. I hate you! I hate both of you!" She yelled before attempting to storm away, but Shelby blocked the door and Casey reached out to grab her.

"Rachel sit! We need to talk about this."

"No!" Rachel pushed Casey away once more forcing her aunt's arm to drop. "The only thing I need to do it get out of here. I can't be in the same room as either of you right now." In a fit of anger, she stormed away once more, this time not allowing anyone to stop her, going as far as physically pushing Shelby away to the point where she stumbled and reached out for the wall to support her weight and to keep from falling over. "And for the record, there's nothing wrong with me. My only problem is with you. You are my problem!" She yelled back to them as she rushed away.

"Rachel!" They both called after her. "Rachel get back here!" Even following her, they just saw her grab her coat, exit, and slam the door behind her. Both women raced after her, opening the door to see the tiny figure fleeing like she was being chased.

"Rachel!" Shelby gave one last feeble attempt as she watched her daughter run down the street, away, anywhere away from there. "Rachel!" The girl just kept going. "Damn it!" She copied Rachel's earlier action and slammed the door, leaning against the hard wood after she did. "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!"

"Are you ok?" Casey asked.

"No." Shelby snapped. "No I'm not ok. None of this is ok, and for such a sick little girl, she sure as super human strength. She practically knocked me over." Shelby ranted. "And now she's running, going God knows where to do God knows what when the doctor said to keep her resting as long as possible. Strict rule of no exercise."

"I know Shel, I know."

"We have to find her." Casey hated the tone of her sister's voice because it was sad and desperate.

"We will Shelby."

"No, we have to find her now!" She demanded.

"I promise we will."

"We have to find her now before anything happens. She didn't grab anything. She didn't take her medicines. She just left."

"I know. I know." She repeated. "That's why I'm going to get in my car and drive around. She can't have gotten too far."

"No, I should go."

"No, you stay. Try calling her. We know she has her phone. So, try that and stay here with Beth. Just be calm Shelby. We'll find her and she'll be ok."

Casey stepped away to reach out for her keys when she heard Shelby say, "You keep saying that. 'She'll be ok' or 'everything will be ok,'" she mimicked, "but things aren't ok. Nothing is ok." Shelby ran a hand over her face. "She's not ok. And I need her to be ok."

"Me too Shelby. Me too." It seemed Casey wasn't much help then either. Rachel was going through so much already and to find out the two people she had to rely on, two people she may have even found some sort of connection with, invaded her space and did something she considered unforgivable just added more stress. Aside from finding her and apologizing then hoping Rachel would finally allow them to help her, there wasn't much either of them could do. But that didn't mean they couldn't try. And they were never going to stop trying.

"Go Casey. Please find her." She begged. "Bring her home. I'll try calling her, but I doubt she'll answer. Just… Just please bring her home. She's angry and something always happens when she's angry or upset. Last time she ran away, she ended up in the hospital with a concussion."

"Hey Shel," Casey took a seat next to her sister, using her hand to gently turn Shelby's face toward her, "that's not going to happen this time."

"You can't be sure. She just got out of the hospital. She's supposed to be taking it easy. And now she's out there and she's mad… And… And she hates us."

"I need you to calm down Shelby."

"How…?"

"I know it's hard, but you freaking out isn't going to help. I need to go look for her before she gets too far. You try calling her. If I find her I'll call you."

"And if you don't find her."

"Then I'll keep looking or I'll come back and we call some of her friends and see if they can help. We'll find her. She doesn't…" No matter how she thought it, she knew it didn't sound great. "She doesn't really have anywhere to go. And anywhere she does go, we'll find her."

That much was true. Rachel left the house so quickly there wasn't even the beginning of a plan forming in her mind. She just took her coat and ran, everything else be damned. She simply ran. And it felt liberating. Her lockdown and the hospital stay kept her isolated and watched. Running was so freeing. She was free. And she didn't want to stop. She didn't care anymore.

The last shred of her dignity was stolen. They took that when they decided it was ok to read her journal. Did they know everything? The thoughts fueled her. Each question she asked herself made her move faster, step harder. How much of it did they actually read? Was it cover to cover? They didn't mention the baby. Did they know about that? That was in there. Did they read that? What did they know? If they didn't know it all, would it change the hollowness she was feeling?

She wasn't sure it did. She also wasn't sure what exactly that feeling she was feeling was. There wasn't a name for it. It was like everything and nothing at all. What was that?

There was no time to really figure it out. If she learned anything over the last few months, it was that Shelby and Casey just wouldn't leave things alone. One or both of them would be looking for her. She was positive if she turned it on, there'd have been a boatload of missed calls and messages; most of which, she didn't want to hear. But she needed a break.

Her body was worn and, though she kept pushing herself, each step sent the burn of fire through every muscle. It all hurt as the pain seared. She just needed to sit. She needed to catch her breath. She needed to be whole again. And there was no escaping that she was not. She was broken and damaged and missing pieces of herself that she didn't even realize were gone. They took that from her; her mother, her aunt, the doctors… Everyone wanted to take something from her. She didn't have much to give to begin with and there she was, left with little to nothing.

She just needed away from it all. And if sitting on the protruding roots of an old tree in the middle of the woods on a spring day was where she had to be, then that was where she would be. Running had never been so hard. Physically, it stressed her body. Sure, that happened before, but it felt so wrong. Each strike of her foot against the ground used to bring her comfort even through the pain, but she just didn't feel that. It wasn't working. She didn't have a cure for what ailed her. She never felt quite like that before. It was new and it wasn't great.

Sitting there, taking deep breaths, all she had was time to think and dwell and do what she did best. How was she supposed to get over it? What they did was wrong. Whether they thought they had good intentions or not, all she saw was that they took the little bit of trust she gave them, the trust that her things were hers and that would be private, and broke it. That small offering she gave them was thrown back in her face with so much force she didn't even see it coming. And she probably deserved it, but that didn't make her feel any better.

She must've stayed there for a good hour, just staring up into the tree filled sky, the branches and leaves obstructing the view of the serene blue that could've engulfed her. If life was as silent as it was then, only the sounds of birds chirping and the wind blowing, it would've been so much easier. Instead, her life was filled with noise. Shelby was noise. And Casey. And everyone at school. And she was the loudest of them all. There was a voice in her head that just made everything so much worse. It showed her what was and allowed her to see the truth, but sometimes she just wanted to be in denial. Did she really need daily reminders of what a failure she was or how fat she looked in the outfit she chose? She didn't, but that was what the voice gave her. That was what the voice always did; every day, every moment. It was her cheerleader when she did everything to correct her situation. She needed to throw up and the voice told her to go for it. She wanted to cut and the voice told her it was ok. She didn't mind that part. It was all the bad. It was the voice telling her that she needed to be more than she was capable of being that pushed her further down the rabbit's hole.

She just wanted peace. She just wanted quiet. She would never have it now. Before, there was at least the faint belief in plausible deniability. They could have ideas and they could know what the doctor told them, but they couldn't verify it with her. Now she didn't have that. She was, unintentionally, the voice that answered their questions. And she knew the questions were there. She suspected that for some time. But she knew she'd never give in to them. She would never confirm their suspicions, but she did it unwittingly.

They were never to know and now that they did, she didn't know how to handle it. And she didn't even have the luxury of her old comfort tools. There was nowhere to go and nothing to do. When she first fled the house, she was free. But there, she was stuck and she didn't like the feeling one bit. It was a horrible feeling. It was all just one horrible feeling after the other and it was too much.

Finally deciding to turn on her phone, she realized it was longer than the hour she thought. It was almost 1. School would be out soon and they would all be going to glee. Everyone else was living a life and she was just there existing. She wished she could trade places with anyone of them. She wasn't an idiot. She knew they all had their own problems, but they were all problems she could handle; that she would welcome. Some of them, she already experienced and learned to cope with. Santana had to deal with accepting herself for who she was and who she loved. Kurt had to deal with homophobia, something Rachel knew all too well because of her fathers. Quinn had a teen pregnancy and unsupportive parents; both problems she would've welcomed. She already lived through both. At least Quinn's baby lived. And Puck, he had a mom he loved but hardly saw because she had to work so much to support him and his sister. That would've been ok too. Her fathers were kind of like that too.

Instead, she was where she was. And she didn't know where that was. But she did have a few texts from Noah asking her how she was, telling her that he missed her. That she didn't mind so much even if things were a little awkward for them still. But there were also about a dozen or so missed calls from Shelby and Casey. Everyone had something to say but no one wanted to hear what she had to say back. It wasn't a one way street.

Whatever.

_Skip glee today?_ She sent Noah a text, ignoring the persistent beeps from the continued callers.

The response came fairly quickly. _You want me to miss glee? _Normally, it'd be a ludicrous idea coming from her. But not so much anymore.

_Yes please. I need you._

_You ok? Need me now? 911?_ He was worried.

_I'm ok just fought with Shelby and Casey. Need somewhere to go because I can't go back there._

_Where you at?_

_Hiding._

_Where?_

_The woods somewhere. I'm not sure. Not too far from the house I don't think._

_The woods? WTF Rach. Coming now._

_No Noah. Stay in school. Meet me after._

_Fine._

_And pay attention in class. _

_Just for you._

She wanted him there with her, but she was better off alone for a little longer. She had a few more things to figure out. She wouldn't. Things would be just as lost an hour from then as they were at that moment, but that didn't stop her from trying. In the end, she was just more convinced there was no way out of it. They knew. End of story. Game over. The end… If she didn't escape it on her own, they were going to send her away. They were going to put her in some stupid place where they dictated everything from who, what, when, where, and how. She couldn't bear the thought.

Her phone kept ringing as she stayed there. Shelby was calling again and again. Finally, she got sick of it. _I'm fine. Stop calling._ She sent that in a text to both Casey and Shelby. She just wanted away from them. She needed distance. She needed to forget what they did, or at least attempt to see if she could and she couldn't do that if they just kept annoying her. She just needed it to stop; the whole world could just stop.

Puck only sent her a few more texts since she told him to actually be present in his classes. He wanted to know where to meet her. He wanted to pick her up when school was out. The deal was to meet up a block from the school in the parking lot behind the old factory that was there. She sat there, away from sight, and waited. Although she believed Casey and Shelby would give her a little space, she still wanted to take the extra measures to keep hidden. They stopped calling at least. That was something even if she knew it wouldn't last long. They still sent texts though. _Where are you? Are you ok? When are you coming home? _Those were just a few examples. She didn't answer any of them. She just waited. Soon… Soon it'd be over.

His car rolled up not too much later. But she was surprised when not just Puck, but Kurt and Santana came out of the car as well. "What are they doing here?" She asked.

"Wow Diva, that's such a nice way to greet your friends."

"I'm sorry."

"Look Berry, we've had our differences, but I've come through for you and we're heading to my house so, deal."

"Fine, but just for today, can we please just pretend like nothing happened? Can we just be normal for one day? I really need that. No awkwardness, no questions, just normal…"

"What? Did mothers Corcoran shrink your panties Berry?"

"No. It's just… It has been a really long day."

"Rachel, it's not even late."

"I know."

"What happened babe?" Puck asked as he pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek.

"We can talk about it later."

"Ok love birds. Let's hit the homestead before you two make me vomit."

The four of them all went to the Lopez house. Rachel explained that Shelby and Casey did something she never thought they'd do and they violated her rights. When they tried to ask what happened, she dodged the question instead, spending the rest of the night, for the first time in who knew how long, acting like normal teenagers with no grown up problems. They were acting like friends. It was nice. It was different. It was what Rachel always wanted. But, enjoying it only lasted so long before the phone calls started up again.

"Is that your mom calling again?" Kurt asked as he saw Rachel stare at the cell phone for the millionth time.

"It's my aunt this time."

"Maybe you should answer so they don't think you're dead in a ditch or passed out on the floor again." Puck threw a pillow at Santana. "Ow. What the hell?" He just gave her a 'you know what you did' look. "Ok sorry. Look, answer it. If you don't want to go home tell her you're staying here. Mama Lopez won't mind."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah Berry. Don't make me regret it."

After the next call came, Rachel actually hit accept instead of decline. She didn't want to say she was staying there unless necessary. She honestly didn't want to say much at all. Not answering would've been great, but there was a decision to be made and this phone call would help her make it. So she excused herself from the room and answered. "Hello."

"Oh Rachel! Thank god! It's so good to hear your voice. Are you ok? Where have you been? Where are you now? Are you ok? Rachel?"

"I'm fine. I'm with friends." Short, simple answers…

"Come home please." Shelby pleaded. She just wanted her baby home with her where she knew she could at least monitor her and try to keep her safe even if she failed so many times in the past already.

"I can't… You need to stop calling now. I can't… You need to stop."

"Rachel, please come home. I'm so sorry and Casey's sorry. We just want you home." Shelby begged. "Please Rachel."

"I just…" She said quietly into the phone, doing her best to keep the tears at bay. The decision was being made; piece by piece her mind was being made up, she just didn't know it yet. "I just need some time. Can you give me some time please?"

"Why don't you go to Casey's? She'll leave you alone. You know that."

"No. No, I don't want to go there. And I can't be there."

"Then where Rachel? Where are you going to be?"

"Um…" Her voice was cracking, but she wouldn't let it be heard. "Santana said I could stay with her. Her mother okayed it. Please just be ok with it too. Please…"

Shelby heard the desperate plea and couldn't refuse. It was a semi reasonable request. "Ok Rachel. Just for tonight. You come home tomorrow morning; no exceptions."

"I will."

"I'll see you in the morning then."

"Fine."

"I know you don't believe me when I say it and you made it clear you don't want to hear it, but I love you. Be safe Rachel. I love you." She didn't expect anything in return. She had said it many times before and nothing was ever said back. And, then of all times seemed the least likely to hear what she yearned for, but she got it. By some miracle, she got it.

"I love you too mom." She almost cried. No, she did cry, but not until she knew Rachel was off the line. When she went to talk, she heard the dial tone. And, for once, being hung up on didn't upset her. She was running on a high. _I love you too mom._ It wasn't just finally being called mom in a way that sounded real or finally having her gesture of love reciprocated, but it was both. It was both…

Rachel was just as emotional on her end. Hearing Shelby's voice did nothing to ease the anxiety and betrayal she was feeling. If anything, it just made it as fresh and raw as it was a few hours prior. One thing was clear; she wasn't ready to go back there. She wasn't ready to face them. And, if she could, she would just get away for a while. Who was stopping her?

"Do you want to do something crazy?" Rachel suddenly asked as she walked back into Santana's room.

"With you?"

"Yes."

"What do you have in mind Diva?"

"I was thinking…" She filled them in on her little idea and looked at their shocked faces. Was that really Rachel they were talking to?

"Are you crazy? Our parents would kill us."

"They don't have to know."

"Yeah, and where are we going to get the money for this?"

"My wallet." Rachel explained. She just wanted a few good memories. They might never see her again. That was the plan wasn't it? Shelby and Casey were going to send her away.

"Rach, your mom would kill you if she knew. She's freaking already and you've only been gone a few hours. Imagine what would happen if you crossed state lines."

"We'll be back by Sunday night."

"I don't know." Kurt said. "My dad and Carole would not be ok with this."

"Please Kurt. Please. This might be the last chance we all have to just have fun and be kids for a while. I don't know when the next time will be."

"I don't know. Santana?"

"Hell, I'm in. If she's paying I'm not saying no. I'll tell mom I'm spending the weekend at Brittany's. Puck you in?"

"Are you sure about this Rachel? You're going to get in trouble." He warned her.

"I'm already in trouble. I'm always in trouble. I just want to have a little fun. Come on Noah, I promise it'll be worth it. But you have to decide. We only have an hour before the last one leaves."

"Alright. I'll tell my ma that we have a last minute glee thing. She'll buy that."

"Great, so Kurt, are you coming too?"

He sighed and looked around the room. He didn't imagine this; the four of them hanging out so freely talking about, essentially, running away for a weekend… But, what the heck right? "Ok."

"Yay!" Rachel clapped. "Come on, we have to go!"

As they prepared for their little adventure, Shelby was at home with Casey, still sick with worry. When she hung up with Rachel, a whole mess of emotion flooded her. The whole I love you thing caught her off guard in the best of ways, but maybe it blinded her a little too; something she'd realize a little later. But then, she was just happy to hear the words she had been so desperate to hear. The timing was weird, she'd admit that, but it didn't change anything. Her heart was warmed; thawed. Her head was healed. She felt whole, if even for a moment.

"Shelby?" Casey called out for her, but she was still too stunned to say much of anything. "Shelby? What's going on? Are you ok?" She panicked.

"I'm… I'm great."

"You're great?" She sounded angry. "I'm calling for you, I'm worried, you're daughter's missing, and you're great?"

Shelby held up the phone in her hand. "That was Rachel."

"She answered?"

"Yes."

"She's ok?"

"Yes."

"Well, where is she? Is she coming home? Do I need to go get her?"

"No."

"No? No what Shel? I need a little more than that." Again, she was panicked. She had no idea what was going on and with the way things had been going around there lately, she didn't expect good news.

"She's staying with Santana."

"Ok. And that's good news?" Was it?

"She…"

"She what? What is it?"

"She told me she loved me. Well, I said I loved her and she said it back." And it all felt so surreal. "But I… It was the best feeling in the world Casey."

"I know it is. I remember the first time Danny told me he loved me. He said lub mama." She reminisced. "It was the best thing in the world, I agree."

"I wish it happened for us when she was just a baby. Things would be different now."

"I'm sure they would, but you can't change them now."

"That doesn't stop me from wishing I could." She admitted.

"No, I didn't think it would. I would change things for you if I could Shelby. You both deserved to know each other, but you just have to be happy with what you have." Shelby gave her an incredulous stare; happy with what they had seemed a bit pathetic. Her daughter was living one bad day after another. It was tragedy and heartbreak that kept bringing them together. "Ok, well, look forward to what you will have when she's better."

"Yeah."

"Hey," though she didn't want to ruin the good mood, something felt a little curious to her, "you don't think the timing seems a little off?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, just a few hours ago, she was saying she hated us."

"You don't have to remind me." Shelby snapped with an eye roll to boot.

"And then she does a complete 180 and tells you she loves you… It just… It's odd."

"It's not. It's perfect and I don't care what spurred it, I'm just happy she said it." Shelby stood from her seat and happily walked away. She was still upset with Rachel storming out even if she had her reasons, but nothing could really bring her down from the high she was on.

"Ok." Casey sighed as she watched her sister walk away. "Ok…" There was still something about it bothering her, but she'd let Shelby have her moment. Every mother deserved to hear their child tell them they loved her.

They went to bed that night with two completely different moods. Shelby rested easy; as easily as she could with the other worries in her head. She knew where Rachel was, or she thought she did, she had her baby sleeping peacefully right down the hall, and she still heard Rachel's voice saying she loved her over and over. So, she was ok when she went to bed, even with everything else. Rachel's problems would still be there in the morning and she trusted that Santana would keep an eye on Rachel. All she wanted to focus on was seeing Rachel and making things all ok again.

But it wasn't that simple for Casey. She couldn't, for the life of her, fall asleep. They knew where Rachel was and that was great. She finally picked up one of their calls and Shelby was beyond ecstatic about the whole "I love you" thing, but she couldn't help but feel a bit uneasy about it all. It was such a sudden thing. They were fighting; all of them were. And then, out of nowhere, she answered the phone and basically negated everything she said earlier that day. She went straight from hate to love so suddenly with no in between; with no cool down. Casey wanted nothing more than to just be happy about it, but there was a nagging feeling that she didn't know how to explain. It just… it didn't make sense to her and no matter how much she thought about it, she couldn't make it work in her head. What changed? Did something happen wherever she was that made her feelings differ? What was it?

"Casey, Hon, go to sleep." Mark mumbled, still very tired.

"I can't." She said quietly.

Flicking on the bedside lamp, he turned over to face her, lying on his side as brushed his hand over her cheek. "What's happening Casey? The last time you were like this your niece was in the hospital. What happened this time? What has you tossing and turning, awake at 3 in the morning?"

"I don't know." She answered.

"You don't know?"

"Do you remember when Daniel was younger and he told me he hated me?"

"He was a kid Case. He didn't mean it then and he apologized with a big hug and a sloppy kiss ten minutes later after he realized that he loved you and that telling him he couldn't play outside because it was raining wasn't that big of a deal. And you were the woman with the good hugs and special treats." He wondered off. "But that's not what's wrong. Did he call you? Did he say something? Do I need to march down there into the dorms and kick his ass?"

"No Mark… It's not Danny. He called. We talked. He told me he loved me and that he made it on the dean's list again. He's coming home after spending a few weeks with Kyle's family in California."

"Ok, so he's not the problem, then what is?"

"I told you that Shelby and I read Rachel's journal right?"

"Her diary, yeah, you told me." But he was still confused. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"She found out today… That we read it… She found out."

"And let me guess, that didn't end well."

"The three of us got into a big fight. It was… It was terrible."

"Tell me about it." He offered his ear.

"No Mark, you have to go to work in the morning, which I don't understand. Why are they making you work over the weekend?"

"The company is just getting up and running. I'm overseeing the new building. You know that. Stop trying to distract me. I don't care if I have to be up in a few hours, I want to know what's keeping my wife up when she should be asleep dreaming about puppies and grandchildren."

"Puppies and grandchildren?" She laughed.

"Well, puppies. I don't think we're ready for grandchildren. Our boy's still a kid."

"Yes, he is. Let's not rush that just yet." The thought broke the levity Mark was trying to create as it brought her mind back to Rachel and her once existent baby… Rachel… She sighed.

"Are you going to tell me about this fight?"

"I told you what happened." She said.

"No. You told me what caused it, not what happened. And whatever it was, it has you pretty stirred up." Mark looked at her with a serious face, but also one of concern and love. "Rachel seems to have that effect on you."

"Well, look at all she has been through."

"It's more than any child should have to endure." He agreed. Having this talk in the middle of the night wasn't his best idea, but it was a talk they needed to have. He knew better than to get involved in the Corcoran drama, and there had been plenty over the years, but he also knew his wife. He knew it was time to say something and finally ask questions. But that wasn't the night to do that.

"And the punches just keep hitting her."

"You really care about her." He stated.

"Of course I do. She's my niece. I love her."

"It's more than that though, isn't it?" At least some of it was being asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're a great mother and I've seen you with her, you're a great aunt. And it's a lot like you're a mother to her too. But you identify with her. You see yourself in her every time you look at her."

"No I…" He looked to her skeptically. "Maybe I do."

"So everything with her hits you harder."

"It all just… hits me."

"I know." He said as he pulled her closer to him allowing her head to snuggle into his chest. "But that's also what makes you, you."

"She just looked so…"

"Hurt?"

"Yes. She looked hurt and betrayed, and I don't blame her."

"You really can't."

"No, I can't. But I also can't be sorry I did what I did. We needed to know what was going on. That may not have been the right way to get the information, but it seemed like the only way at the time. It was the only way at all. She was floundering and I wanted to help."

"Did you tell her that?"

"I didn't get the chance."

"That's when she ran off?" He knew about that. She called him to let him know what was happening, the very abbreviated Rachel ran away version, but other than that, she was pretty focused on Rachel. She didn't see him again until she came home and it was already late then. He was already in bed.

"No… No, she had to yell a little and screamed that she hated us first." She sniffled, the emotion of the day hitting her at full force once more.

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I know how much you love her and I know how much that must be breaking your heart."

"It is. Believe me, it is." She confessed. She knew it was hard for Shelby, but it was hard on her too. Her relationship with her niece was probably the best of the bunch, and hearing that was terrible.

"I sense a but coming."

"But I don't know."

"Did something else happen?" That was the but. He knew something else was tied in there too.

"We spent all day calling her and looking everywhere for her after she stormed off, but she didn't want to be found and that ignore button on her phone was getting a lot of action."

"Teenagers."

"It's more than that with her though."

"Just don't let her hear you say that. They know how to use the best of intentions against the adults." He kept trying to keep it light because he hated seeing his wife so hurt.

"Honestly, if she was talking to me right now, I'd accept that. It wouldn't take much for her to guilt trip me."

"You really can't feel bad about doing what you felt was right. You called me that day in tears asking what I thought you should do. She's your niece and she was in desperate need of help that no one was giving her. But you were trying. You stood up for her and fought for her. And, how I see it, you gave her more than that. She let you in, even if it was only to peek through the chips in her stone walls, she let you in. She chose to let you into her world when she pushed everyone away. Maybe that was her own way of asking for help or at least leaving the possibility open."

"You think?"

"I do. But more importantly, I know you. I know you didn't do that to hurt her or to be nosey. And you can be nosey…"

"Hey."

"You can, but you did that to help her. As nosey as you are, you wouldn't go looking for it. You didn't search for her diary just to know what she was thinking, you stumbled upon it and made the choice to risk the relationship you were building with her to try and help her."

"That was the plan."

"That says a lot about you."

"Like what?"

"It says the woman I married has the biggest heart I've ever encountered, that she is willing to do anything for the ones she loves, that she puts others before herself, and that she is the most beautiful woman on the planet."

"Well, that woman sounds amazing. She sure is lucky too. I think her husband's a pretty handsome man; definite man candy. And, you know, he's not a half bad person either." She teased. "I love you Mark. You're a great guy you know."

"And don't you ever forget it." He said with a boyish grin. "I love you too Casey. Now go to bed." One last kiss to her forehead, and he wrapped himself back up in the blanket.

"Do you think she'll be ok?"

"I don't know Casey."

"I mean, really Mark, is it just me?"

"Is what just you?"

"Am I the only one that thinks it's odd that one minute she was telling us she hated us and ignoring our frantic calls and the next minute she's telling my sister that she loves her?"

"Why's that weird?"

"It just… Something doesn't feel right."

"Maybe you should sleep on it, and if that feeling's still there in the morning, you should do something about it.'

"Like what?"

"I don't know, but your instincts have been pretty spot on when it comes to Rachel. I wouldn't start ignoring it now. But," he added, "it has been a long day. So before you start playing Nancy Drew and investigate your feeling, you should get some sleep."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, ok. Thank you for always being here and helping me through everything. I love you Mark. Now, turn off the light and go to bed."

"I'll always be here." He reminded her before turning off the lights. "I love you too babe."

With her husband at her side to love and support her, Casey was finally able to close her eyes and get some shuteye. It wasn't as peaceful as she would've liked and there was still plenty on her mind, but he calmed her enough to put it aside for a few hours. She didn't wake up again that night until the alarm went off to wake Mark for work. But she easily went right back to sleep. "Stay in bed." Mark ordered her when she tried to get up with him. "You need your sleep." She didn't even try to protest. She was tired and she knew she'd need the energy later. Dealing with all things her sister and Rachel required that; not that she was complaining, she just needed her sleep.

Too bad she wasn't going to get much more. An extra hour of sleep was all she got as the shrill tone of her phone blazed through the room. "Mmm…" She mumbled as her hand blindly reached for the device. "Hello?" She asked, not bothering to check the ID. Her eyes didn't want to be opened yet.

"She hasn't come home yet!" was the response she got.

"Shelby?" Seriously…

"Rachel's still not home. I said to be home in the morning. I gave her a time Casey! And she's not here."

"Shel, it's only…" She stretched out and searched for the clock. "It's 8. Maybe she slept in."

"Have you met my daughter?"

"Shelby, give it some time before you panic. What time did you tell her?" She was up then, sitting on the edge of her bed, replacing the blankets that were wrapped around her with a robe and her feet slipping into the slippers laid by the bed.

"Well, it wasn't so much a time as me telling her to come as soon as she woke up."

"Shelby!" What the hell? Why was she panicking already?

"Casey, I can't help it. She… she didn't take her medicines with her. She has to take all of it every day and the doctors said to try and keep the same schedule."

"A few hours difference isn't going to kill her." So maybe that was the wrong choice of words considering what they just went through, but after the long day followed by an equally long night, only then to be followed by an abrupt morning and the promise of another long day, she just didn't have it in her to really censor herself. Shelby was a big girl. She needed to deal with things whether they were hard or not.

"She needs those pills. They're supposed to help with the depression." The word came out like a curse. _Depression. _Her little girl was depressed and she didn't really want to accept nor acknowledge that fact.

"I know Shel." She sighed. "And she will get them. We'll make sure of that."

"But what if…"

"Shelby, seriously. It's way too early to be freaking out." And her bad feeling was back again. So much for sleeping it away. "She could still be in bed. She's with her friends. Maybe they stayed up late and need a little extra sleep."

"Or she's out running again… Or… Or she pushed herself too hard and ended up in the hospital again. Or…"

"Shelby, if that were the case, you'd get a phone call. And she's with people who care about her. Santana won't let anything happen to her." They didn't know Puck was there too. That could've made them feel better; also could've made them feel worse.

"Yeah…"

"Have you tried calling?"

"I don't think her phone's on."

"Ok. Listen Shelby." She stood now, shuffling through her room to get what she needed. "I'm going to get dressed, pour myself a massive cup of coffee, and then I'll be over to your house. Try not to panic. Give her a little more time before you do that. I'm sure she's fine."

"Right… sure…"

"I'm hanging up now so I can get ready. Ok?"

"Ok."

"I'll see you soon."

"Ok."

Casey hurried through her normal morning routine, skipping the catch up on current events portion of it all and making the coffee a little stronger than she normally would. It was possible her sister was overreacting. Actually, it was probable, but that feeling was still there and, because of that, she was going to rush over there anyway. It was in the plans either way. It was just happening a little earlier than she anticipated.

And before heading out of the house, dressed more casually than she'd normally be, Casey gave one futile attempt to reach Rachel. She hoped she answered if only for her own peace of mind. But also, because she could then warn her that Shelby was not okay with the disappearing act she liked to pull and that she needed to get home as soon as humanly possible. She called, but there was no answer. Rachel was either asleep, which she hoped, or ignoring them, which was probably more likely. She'd find out soon enough.

She made it to Shelby's as fast as she could without breaking any laws. She was trying not to be too worried, but with Shelby as anxious as she was and that feeling still nagging at her, it was harder than it should've been. Her mind just wouldn't clear and trying to decipher her ominous feeling proved difficult. She had no idea what it meant or why she felt it, but it was there.

"What took you so long?" Shelby greeted her as she approached the door.

"Long? Shelby, it took me two minutes to get here. I live right down the road."

"Which is why you should've been here sooner…"

She didn't have it in her to argue. She could've walked. That would've made it longer. "I'm here now."

"Get in." Bossy.

"So, what's going on? Still haven't gotten in touch with her?"

"No. She's not answering. If she's not home by 10 I'm going to call Santana's house."

"I think that's fair."

Ten rolled around and still no word came from Rachel. It started to feel redundant, like the same things kept happening; more so than déjà vu. "Thanks Maribel. I'll let you know if I hear anything…" Shelby spoke into the phone. "Yes, I'm sure they are. Uh huh… Thank you. Bye." Shelby hung up the phone, plopped down in the nearest chair, blew out a long breath, and put her head in her hands.

"Shelby?"

"They weren't there."

"What do you mean?"

"That was Maribel Lopez, Santana's mother. Santana told her that they, she and Rachel, were going to be spending the night at another friend's house and they assured her Rachel had my permission."

"Which she did not have…"

"Right."

"So are you going to check with the friend? Do you know which one it is?"

"Yes. I'm going to call Brittany's right now. I just… I have to find the glee club numbers again."

Calling the Pierce household was another dead end. When Brittany answered the phone, she didn't even try to cover for them. Poor, naive Brittany didn't even think she needed too. And she didn't; not really. She didn't know anything, but her friends weren't there. "Not there?" Casey gathered as she saw her sister's face.

"No. Can you try calling her while I try Kurt and… and Puck."

"Maybe you should try the boyfriend first."

"I really don't want to think about her spending the night with him."

"I know you don't, but if she's with him, you know he's taking care of her." Or taking advantage of her…

"That only comforts me so much."

"I know."

They made their calls, still with no success. Burt told Shelby Kurt was over at a friend's and he had no reason to doubt that, though Shelby planted a seed which Burt followed up on. Kurt was not where he said he was. Noah didn't answer and no one was home at his house. And Rachel, well, she was still trying their patience and exercising her right to remain silent.

Needless to say, it was a rough day for the women.

The kids, however, were having a much better day. After spending the night on the train to make it there, they arrived at Grand Central Station the next morning. Rachel managed to snag them a decent room at some hotel. It wasn't the Ritz or anything, but it was the best they could do without booking a reservation months in advance. Plus, it had two beds and a bathroom and it was clean. What more did they really need out of that?

After checking in and changing into more appropriate New York attire, something less wrinkled and worn from the train ride, they went to explore the city Rachel thought she'd one day own. Things changed though. This trip was about rectifying her last memory of the place. She needed to change the bad experience that was the Nationals defeat and replace it with something lighter; something fun and friend filled. That would give her a sense of peace. She needed a little peace in the chaos of her mind. That was all she strived for.

The phone calls started early for all of them. "This day better be worth it Berry. You better make sure I'm not getting grounded for some half assed trip to the big apple."

"It'll be worth it. I promise."

"Oh, mama Corcoran…. She knows you're not where you said you were." Santana simply told her.

"I know. She has been calling all morning. I figured that was why." That and she should've been home by then.

"Answer and tell her to F off. We're trying to have a little grown up free time." That would go over well.

Kurt got a call from Burt and Carole similar to the one Santana had earlier in the day, but they didn't let it deter them. They were all in trouble. They expected that, but they wanted to be there. They wanted to have a little fun especially if they weren't going to see the light of day for a while. The group of friends did all they could manage in the hours they had. It was the first time they saw Rachel genuinely light up and enjoy herself. They spent some time exploring Central Park a little more. They travelled through Time's Square until they knew the layout inside and out.

They took pictures on the top of the Empire State Building. They shopped, or window shopped really, in some of the biggest stores in New York as well as some less known treasures. They did everything they could think of. Everything was so not ordinary in the sense that it wasn't the ordinary they were used to. Things just seemed, temporarily, so much better. They were the everyday normal instead of the Rachel's issues normal. And there were moments where things were less normal; where things were more real and reality based. But they did their best to work through them. The food thing was an issue, but they tried not to press it. She ate something. That was… something at least.

But the phone calls kept coming. All of them were ignored by Rachel. She was supposed to be home hours ago. Obviously, that wasn't happening. It was a Saturday. They were in the city of her dreams. She wasn't going to let Shelby ruin that. She ruined enough already and Rachel was having a good time. That was all that mattered. That was what she needed to focus on and where she needed to keep her head.

And that was what she tried to do. She kept her mind in the present as much as she could and tried not to let her thoughts creep up on her and get the better of her. On occasion, they did and she was transported to a dark place. But then she looked around and, even if she wasn't feeling it, she lied to herself and made herself believe all was ok. For the moment, it all was.

Everything was ok. In her false reality, in the moment, in the dream she was living, it was all ok.

So, she held onto that as she and Kurt sat in their room looking through the newest Vogue that Kurt just had to pick up because he left his copy at home while Puck and Santana went out for a late bite to eat. They were lounging on the bed together, cuddled in the blankets, flipping through the pages when Kurt randomly said, "I had a lot of fun today Rachel."

"Me too Kurt." She really did. It was the New York she loved without the stench of defeat.

"It was like old times; like the old you." He told her and she looked at him curiously.

"The old me?" She questioned. She barely remembered that girl. She was nothing but a blip on the radar like a one hit wonder or a fading star.

"Yeah, the old you…" He looked to her, her hand in his as they sat there, the magazine then forgotten as he really looked to her. "I miss the animal sweater wearing Rachel. She was much more fun."

"You hated those sweaters." She reminded him.

"Did not."

"Yes, you did. I believe you threatened to burn them on several occasions Kurt."

"Fine, but it's not the sweaters I miss. It's the girl that wore the sweaters and the knee high socks that I want back. I want my friend back." He told her seriously. He really did miss that girl. He wanted her back. He wanted them to be them again; to go to the Lima Bean and order hot chocolates with extra whipped cream and gossip about boys. That was who he missed. In her stead was someone with more problems than he knew how to count and the stability of a one legged dog. She was a mess on the best of days even if she did dress better.

"I'm right here."

"No, you're not." She nodded in attempt to say she was, but they both knew she was lying. That girl wasn't there. "Rachel, you almost died." Like people would let her forget that.

"I did not. I'm perfectly fine." It wasn't convincing.

"Do you really believe that?"

"I do." She did… or she would. Once it was over… It'd be over soon.

He shook his head. The girl was crazy, but he didn't have the heart to beat her while she was down, so he let it slide. She was going to have to face things sooner or later and he wanted it to be sooner, but sooner wasn't right then. So, instead of confronting the issue and saying just how crazy she was, he went with, "I still miss that girl."

"I do too Kurt." She said quietly. She didn't want to admit it, but she did. She missed certain parts of that girl. At the same time, she didn't remember much good about that girl either. Was there ever anything good about her? "But that girl is gone. She was murdered and laid to rest." Her death was mourned by none.

"You don't mean that."

"I do Kurt. Things have changed. Nothing is the same anymore. I wouldn't know how to be that girl even if I wanted to. She was made fun of and abused by everyone at school. Her parents died and left her with the woman who basically teased her into wanting something she was never going to get."

"Diva…"

"No Kurt. I know you want your friend back, and I'm sorry I can't give you that, but I am happy to have you as my friend. You're the best friend a girl like me could ever ask for. You know that right?"

"I know that Rachel."

"And I love you Kurt."

"I love you too Rachel." It felt oddly weird and settling at the same time. "One day, we're going to come back here and meet up all rushed, still in full make up in between dress rehearsals, just because we can. But we'll be here together; our names in lights."

"That's a nice idea." But it was only an idea. It would never happen. "The two of us storming the Broadway stages."

"Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry; the King and Queen of Broadway and Tony Award winners."

"One can only dream."

"It will happen Rachel. We're good enough. We deserve it."

"You do Kurt. You deserve it." She said meaningfully as she scooted just a little closer to him and linked her arm in with his. "You'll get there."

"We both will." She chose to ignore that.

"And you'll be great."

"You'll be the best; the leading lady."

"You'll be the leading man."

"See, we have this in the bag. Just a few more years."

"Right." She suddenly became uncomfortable. "Just a few more years." She needed space. She needed out. "I… I have to use the bathroom. Don't skip pages." She said before rushing away. It felt like she was stuck under the fallings of an avalanche and she didn't know why. Maybe it was a panic attack… Maybe she was second guessing things… Maybe she just felt overwhelmed…

Mostly, she just felt trapped. All those dreams were great, but they were just that. They were dreams. She didn't have a future; not a good one. She didn't have much of anything to look forward to. She was barely scraping by as it was. She couldn't imagine things getting better. When she looked forward all she saw was worse.

She could not handle worse…

"Rachel?" Kurt called as he tapped on the door. "You ok?" What he really wanted to ask if she was keeping the food she ate down and her blood in her body. "You've been in there a while."

"Fine Kurt. I'll be right out. Just uh… Just brushing my teeth."

"Ok. Hurry up though. Puck and Santana are on their way."

"Be right there." She answered him. It took a little longer, but she managed to collect herself and head back in there just in time to meet the group and start a movie. The rest of the night was comfortable. They stayed up as late as they could knowing they had to be at Grand Central bright and early and they wanted to do some last minute exploring before that. So, by midnight, they were fast asleep. Well, everyone except for Rachel was. When she knew they were all down for the count, she managed to slip out of bed, reach into the bag of stuff she borrowed from Santana, and pulled out one of the day's purchases. With only the dim light of the desk lamp to illuminate the area and the new pen in her hand, Rachel got to work writing well into the later hours of the night.

Once finished, she snuck back into bed, and, unlike usual, as soon as her head melted into the pillow, her body easily gave into the sleep. That was when she knew for sure. She knew what came next. All of it before was just a maybe, but then she knew. There was no changing her mind anymore. She knew. She just did.

The sun shone bright the next morning; brighter than she ever remembered it being at that time of day. And it was welcoming, like a warm embrace from a friend that she finally accepted. "Morning babe." And he was another thing she accepted.

"You're up?"

"Yeah, Kurt and Santana wanted to spend a little time doing whatever they do."

"Why didn't you go too?"

"I wasn't going anywhere without you and you looked so cute I didn't want to wake you."

"I'm awake now." She said with a smile; another real one. He took that as an invitation to join her and laid down next to her giving her a gentle good morning kiss which she gladly returned. "You could've gone."

"Not without you." She liked the sentiment and soaked up his warmth. She enjoyed the feelings she was feeling; like she had no care in the world. She was a world away from home with people who at least pretended to care about her… She was free and she loved it.

"Noah?" Rachel asked after returning from brushing her teeth.

"Yup?"

"Did you mean it?" They were sitting side by side on the bed staring into each other's eyes.

"Mean what?" He asked.

"What you said last night. I heard you. Did you mean it? Do you… Do you love me?"

He looked shocked that she heard that. It wasn't that he didn't want her to. It was just that he was nervous about it. "Yeah… Yes, I meant it."

"I… Love you too."

"You do?"

"Yes." His response was a passionate, meaningful kiss that only heightened the euphoria of the entire trip. And he was being such the gentleman, as he had been since she told him she couldn't have sex with him. "Would you… Will you… Will you make love to me?"

"You want me to…? But you said… Are you sure that's what you want?"

"I've never been surer. I wasn't ready before and… and we've been through a lot since. But you love me, and I love you, so I want you to make love to me."

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes."

"And you'll tell me if you change your mind… Because I'll stop." He quickly added even if he hoped they didn't have to. "I just want you to be ok with everything." With everything… "I don't want to hurt you."

"Noah, shut up and make love to me. When we get back home… I don't know when the next time I'll see you is. I just…" want something to remember you by… "I want something to hold on to." She said instead. "I want you to hold on to."

"You can always hold on to me. I'll catch you when you fall and be there when you need me."

"I know." She agreed as he laid her don on the bed.

It felt different than it ever had. Maybe it was cliché. So many things were, but that was how the word came about. But it felt different. Every time they were together, it felt good. That was never in question. Noah was experienced and knew what to do to make a girl feel good. Rachel didn't even care about that. The point was that she was with someone who said he loved her. And even if he didn't mean it, it made her feel special. It made every moment of their skin touching and their bodies colliding that much more perfect. They were passionate, but gentle and loving. There was no rushing or hesitance. It was just two people being in the moment with only the other on their mind. It wasn't just sex. They weren't using each other to feel better. They were simply showing each other how much they meant; how much love they shared.

So it was different. And it was perfect. And it was so unlike any other time for both of them. "That was…"

"You were perfect Noah. Thank you for taking care of me."

"Anytime babe. I love you ya know?" It was no longer an eight letter, three word phrase they were both too afraid to say. They loved each other. Maybe they always had. And Rachel wanted him to know that. If it was the last thing she'd say to him in who knew how long, she wanted him to know. For him, it just felt right for her to know.

"I know. I love you too."

They got dressed and decent just in time for Kurt and Santana's return. After that, it was check out and get out time. But they weren't ready to say goodbye to New York. They all knew what was waiting for them when they got back to Lima and all they wanted was to put it off. But they couldn't. They ventured toward Grand Central with the few bags they acquired secured in their hands and each other all close by.

Finally, they were on the train headed back home. The boys were tired and by mid trip, they were fast asleep. Santana and Rachel, however, were wide awake. Puck had his head resting on Rachel as his body slumped into the seat and Kurt snuggled up into his bag after Santana pushed him away. Knowing that no one else would hear, Santana spoke to Rachel. "I have to admit Midget. This was a good idea."

"I'm glad you found New York to your liking Santana."

"You tell anyone I said this and I'll kick your ass, but you're pretty cool after all Rachel."

"Thanks Santana." Rachel smiled. "And I won't tell anyone." She never thought it'd be so, but Santana turned out to be a pretty great person. The past misdeeds aside, they could've been great friends.

"You better not." Santana joked, but made it sound like she was serious.

"I won't." There will be no need for it. Who would care anyway?

"Good." They became silent again. The rumblings of the passenger car sounding about as they stared out at the rapidly passing landscape.

"Santana?"

"Yeah?"

"I know we're not… Well, we're not friends, but…"

"But what?"

"But…" She was timid, nervous even. "But thanks for trying. Thanks for… for caring about me."

"Hey I don't…" She started getting defensive like admitting that truth was a terrible thing.

"I know. But thanks anyway. It means… Well it was nice of you."

"You're welcome Berry." She said. She did care. She said it before. But, for some reason, she needed to deny it. Rachel knew the truth and she knew the truth. And, why she didn't know, Rachel felt she needed to thank her for that. She shouldn't have had to be thanked for caring. "And if I get grounded, and I'm gonna be, the trip was worth it."

"For me too." She hesitated before she said what she said next, but she looked to the boys around her and the strong girl that she learned wasn't as evil as she thought and knew. "Santana?"

"What?"

"Take care of them for me. Ok?"

"Take care of them? Why? Where you gonna be? Taking Broadway early Midget?"

"I don't know if I'll see them again." The hair on Santana's neck was sticking up board stiff. What did she mean by that?

"What are you talking about?"

Rachel looked to Noah and ran a hand over his perfectly calm face. "They're sending me away. Shelby and Casey… They're putting me in some rehab place."

"They are?" She wasn't sure why that surprised her.

"I heard them talking and they… they want to get rid of me."

"Rachel…"

"I can't go… I can't do what I need to do if I don't know they're taken care of. I need you to look after them because I can't. They'll need you when I'm gone."

"Berry this sounds…"

"Please Santana, just tell me you'll look out for them. Tell me you'll make sure Noah stays out of trouble and that he doesn't get into too many fights." Some were inevitable. "And that he doesn't end up in prison." She turned to Kurt. "Tell me you'll keep an eye on him. Don't let the bullies beat him down. He doesn't deserve that. He gets enough of that from the outside world that doesn't understand being gay is nothing to be ashamed of; that being who you are is ok. Just make sure they have a friend in you. Be there when they need you… even when they don't. Just be… Just be you."

"Be me?" There were better questions to ask and all were on the tip of her tongue, but that was what came out. The impromptu trip was starting to make a little sense now, but there were still so many unexplained things. Like what was happening…

"You are a great person even if sometimes you're a bitch. And you were terrible to me, but even still, you reached out to me when you thought I needed help. You're a better person than you give yourself credit for. And they need that person. They're going to need you to be the person I've seen you be; to be strong for them and look out for them even when they push you away. You can do that right? You can be that for them?"

"Sure Berry. Whatever." No, not whatever…

"Promise me Santana. Promise me you'll take care of them." She needed to hear that

"Ok." That was one of the last thing they said for the rest of the ride home. Santana kept looking her way; random glances. "I promise."

It was late when they arrived in Lima. None of them wanted to get off that train. But they did it. And Rachel was first off, waiting for them to stop their procrastination and face the music with her. She waited for her friends much like her family waited for her. Casey and Shelby were practically bouncing off the walls ever since she stormed out. But after that phone call with Puck, some of that worry turned to anger. And as they gathered there, all the kids' parents, it was fury she was feeling and relief. She was still a little relieved that nothing bad happened.

"_Shelby."_

"_Oh, Noah. Thank god. You actually answered." And she was never so happy to hear his voice. _

"_Yeah well you've been calling nonstop for a while now."_

"_I would've stopped sooner if you just picked up." Her words were bitter and angry. _

"_Did you need something?" He didn't want to be talking to her, but he knew she had a reason for calling; Rachel._

"_I'm looking for Rachel." He figured that one out on his own. "She was supposed to spend the night at Santana's, but she wasn't there and Mrs. Lopez said she got a hold of Santana but she wouldn't tell her where they were. I need to know Noah. I need to know she's ok."_

_Her concern was real and warranted and he didn't want her to be upset and worried when everything was ok, but he also didn't want to be the reason they all got in trouble. He weighed his options carefully. "Look Shelby… I… we… We're in New York." He admitted hesitantly._

"_New York! You're in New York?!" He should've kept his mouth shut. _

"_Listen, I know you're mad but… But she's safe. She was going whether we all went with her or not. There was no stopping her, so we went… But she's ok .She even… She even ate stuff without being forced." That was supposed to be a big selling point. "I promise to take care of her and get her home soon. We're taking that early train home in the morning."_

_Huffing, she asked, "What time do you get in tomorrow?" He gave her the arrival time. "You know I'm calling all of your parents right?"_

"_Yes, but I… I know you needed to know she was ok. And she is. She's ok. She's happy. I haven't seen her this happy… So just… get us in trouble if you want. But seeing her like this… It was worth any punishment I get."_

_Shelby hung up and, after a momentary freak out with her sister about her daughter crossing state lines, she called the other parents. All of the kids were in big trouble. But she was also just a little sad that everyone else could bring her daughter happiness but not her. At least she was getting it somewhere._

They all got to the train station a little early to discuss what happened next. They were all grounded indefinitely. That was consensus. They were all rightfully angry. Not only were they not where they said they were going to be, but they left the state. They took a train over ten hours away. That wasn't ok. But, there was so much about the situation that wasn't ok.

When they all appeared, Shelby and Casey found it odd and, surprisingly, delightful to see Rachel all smiles and light. That wasn't what they were expecting. Maybe Puck was right. Whatever happened, she was happy. Why? Why did that make her happy when nothing else could? Only for the second, they wanted to enjoy that happiness because they fully expected a pouty, insolent, angry Rachel as soon as they got back home. But there just happened to be surprise after surprise in store for them.

Rachel hugged them. Like, she walked up to them, still flashing those pearly whites, and hugged them. And it wasn't just Casey she hugged. She pulled them both in tight and whispered, "I'm sorry." They were caught off guard. That had been happening more and more often. But off guard or not, they didn't hesitate to reciprocate the hug. It felt so perfect to have her in their arms.

They decided not to yell or say much at all other than they were glad she was ok and happy to have her home until they actually made it home. So, after a quick word with the other adults, they escorted Rachel to the car and drove back to the house. Beth would be spending a few nights with her grandparents, something Shelby felt necessary even if not what she wanted. Truth was, she needed Casey there to help her and she needed some mother daughter time with just Rachel. Thankfully, after hearing what was happening, Maggie was more than happy to make the trip down there to pick up her granddaughter and take her with her for at least a few days. Any excuse to be with any of the kids was one she'd use.

"Where's Beth?" Rachel asked as they drove home.

"Your grandma came to pick her up for a little visit."

"Oh." She knew what that was code for. 'You forced her out Rachel because we didn't want her around while we fought.' She felt bad about that. She wouldn't be there much longer. She'd be out of that house soon enough. She didn't mean to push Beth out while she was still there. "I'm sorry that you had to do that."

"What are you talking about? Maggie just wanted a little baby time."

"Right." Like she believed that…

When they reached the house, they immediately sat her down and talked with her. There was some yelling and some talking and some questions being asked. But for the most part, Rachel kept silent. She responded when spoken to and an answer was expected, but other than that, she just sat there and took it. They could've been singing her a beautiful song and she wouldn't have known the difference. It was like she was there and she heard them, but she wasn't really there. They needed to get it out and she needed to let them. What did she care? They could say and do whatever they wanted. She was out of there one way or another.

"Rachel did you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Tell me what I said."

"I'm grounded. I get it. What I did was unacceptable. And I apologize. I apologize again and again. But I… I needed to get away. And I know you're mad. I know that there's plenty more yelling to come, but can we put it off for a little while?"

"Absolutely not." Shelby stood firm. But Rachel was going in for the kill.

"Please. I know you're upset, but you read my personal thoughts and that wasn't ok either." Guilt trip… "And I understand now… I understand why you did that." Understanding… "And you're mad, which you should be. But I just want my mom." The plea… "I want my mom and my aunt Casey to not be mad at me for just a little while so we can have a girls' night." The proposition… "You said you wanted that before. I know Beth's not here, but she would've been in bed anyway and she wouldn't really be much company. So the three of us could just watch movies. I'll… I'll even eat some popcorn and we can break out the Barbra." And the kill… "It would mean a lot to me if we could do that; just this once. It's just… It has been such a bad year and I…" She looked down for dramatic effect. "I've done things I'm not proud of. I'm… I'm going through things… But I want this. I want us to be normal; to do normal things. That's what… That's what family's do right? And we're family. So, what do you say? Will you watch a movie with me?"

They both eagerly agreed. Maybe they were being manipulated and maybe they weren't, but even if they were, they honestly didn't care. This moment was what they've been waiting for all along. "We'll have a movie night Rachel."

"Great." She responded enthusiastically.

"But…" Casey interjected, nudging Shelby to hold some of her ground.

"But we're going to finish talking about this in the morning. Your punishment is still in effect. And we'll be discussing what comes next with getting you help." Rachel sighed. "And you have to eat some of that vegan ice cream too." Shelby put that out there.

"I can live with that." They were both thinking that the spontaneous trip changed their girl, but they weren't sure it was real. There was so much acting all the time they weren't sure where that ended and truth began. "I want the chocolate though."

"We have that."

"Good. I'll get the movies."

"And I'll get the popcorn."

"I guess that leaves me with the ice cream."

They settled in front of the TV. Rachel sat in the middle of the big couch when both adults paused. Did they want to chance it? Did they want to risk being pushed away after such a confusing, but good, evening? She gave them an answer without them ever asking. "Sit next to me please?"

"Sure." That was all they wanted.

"Of course Rachel." Each took a seat on one side of Rachel sitting close enough that their legs were just barely touching. It felt like a real family.

She stayed true to her word. She ate the popcorn and ice cream without a fight. It didn't matter much then. And she tried cuddling up to both of them, like a daughter would, at some point during the movie. But it ended much too fast for her liking. She was enjoying the simplicity and normalcy of the experience. They all did. They liked feeling like the one thing they always wanted, where Rachel was concerned, was actually happening.

"It's time for bed kid."

"Ok." No arguments from her. She would listen to them. She could give them that. "Thank you for doing this with me."

"You're welcome Hon. I had fun watching movies with you."

"Me too."

"Now get to bed. I'll come by in the morning."

"I love you Casey." She said with a massive hug, tighter and more affectionate than any other exchange they previously had.

"I…" She was a little stunned as she searched for eye contact with Shelby who was equally stunned. "I love you too Rach."

"And I love you mom." She repeated her actions with Shelby, not letting go.

"I love you too baby."

"You're a good mom, even if I don't tell you that. And Casey's the best almost mom I could've ever asked for." She whispered into Shelby's ear as she held on just a little longer. Pulling away from Shelby, she took a moment to really look at them. "Goodnight." She said shyly before running up to her room. The adults just stood there.

"Did that just happen?"

"It did." But it was so… surreal. "It really did." Casey told her. It didn't feel like it did, and even through all the good they experienced, that feeling was still there. They took their moment to figure out what that was, but they really had no clue. And they really, really didn't.

Rachel, however, knew exactly what was going on and what came next. She went into her room and started what she set out to do. She threw a few of her belongings into a duffle bag and hid it under the bed. She went through her routine as best she could minus a few big pieces. She wasn't worried about it. She reached for the object hidden under the desk and put it where she needed it. There were some last minute things she needed to do and she did them. Everything was in place.

About an hour later, she tucked herself in and pretended to be asleep when both Shelby and Casey came in to say goodnight. That was different. When, and if, it happened, Casey never came with her. But still, she kept her eyes closed and let them kiss her exposed cheek and push her thinned hair out of her face. She stayed silent as they, once again, told her they loved her, holding her breath because she couldn't bring herself to say it back without breaking. And she stayed like that until she knew Casey was gone and Shelby was asleep.

That was the right night to end it on. They wouldn't see her again, so that was the best way to leave it. Happy. Their memory together would end on a good note. She'd be where she'd be and they would have that to hold on to. She owed them that and she gave them that.

But it was dark out, the sun was gone, the moon took over, and it was time.

She had two choices. In her mind, they were the only two, and she was about to choose the wrong one.

This was it. There was no turning back. No changing her mind. It was time… This was the end of it all…

It was the end of the line… nowhere left to go… It would soon be over and she was ok with that…

Simply, the end…

Destiny was in her hands. How would she guide it?

Next chapter is going to be a little different. You'll see when it's up what I'm talking about, but I think that any followers of this story will really see what all the pieces I've given throughout the story have been building. Every time I update now I'm sad and excited. The story's almost over and I know it's coming so I'm sad, but I'm also excited at the prospect of finishing a story.

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guest 1) I'm thrilled too. And I feel bad for Rachel too, but it needed to be done. I think her initial reaction is just what you thought it'd be but the rest of it, not so much. I missed the end of the month, sorry. But it's here now and I guess that's what matters. 2) It is sad, but that's what makes it true. Once she admits it, there's no going back and she has to be ready to move passed the denial and accept help. Until then, she has to live in this false reality she created to protect herself from the hurt. 3) Updated! Read on…

Happy. fantasy I'm glad you feel that way; not sure everyone does, but at least you feel the wait was worth it. It's sad for me too that this is coming to an end, but I do have some ideas for another fic, something I've been toying with that I might work on a little and see what comes of it.

CarolineSC I feel your puckleberry withdrawal syndrome. They weren't together at all and I miss that. But I love Rachel in NY pursuing her dreams. If all the old characters were all in NY and that was the new show, I'd be ok with that. And, no, the road doesn't get easier. There's one final hurdle before the real help and it's, perhaps, the biggest of them all, but this was where I always intended to take it. It's reality based and it's messed up, but help is there and she'll get it. But, for the most part, everything is out in the open now, so that's good I guess.


	39. Lingering Storm Cloud

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

I apologize profusely. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry… But the update's here now… (Please don't kill me… please)

Chapter 39: Lingering Storm Cloud

The Corcoran clan huddled together, every face in the crowd wet with the exception of the innocence of the child. Beth didn't know what was happening. She probably shouldn't have even been there, but Shelby just couldn't allow her out of her sight. She didn't want to let her go for even a second. Only bad things happened when she let her babies go…

Where they were was case and point. She couldn't part with what was left. With all she had left…

"Adonai is my Shepherd, I shall not want. God has me lie down in green pastures… God revives my soul for the sake of God's glory… Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no harm, for You are with me…" The Rabbi's voice was drowned by the sounds she didn't even know she was making. The floodgates were silent before. When did they become so loud?

"I've got you Shelby. I have you." Her mother tried to comfort her, but it was all in vain. Casey looked as distraught as she did as Mark held her. Broken… Beaten… Useless… Terrible… That was just a taste of the anguish they felt. Why didn't they see it? Why didn't they see any of it? There were signs. There had to be… And they missed them all… How? How did they let this happen? They lost her. She was gone.

"I don't want you to have me." Shelby all but screamed. "I want to have her. I want her back. I want her in my arms where I know she's safe." The tears kept coming, bucketing out in accompaniment to the heaving sobs. "I want her back." Her body heavy with grief and loss, her legs gave out from under her.

Hands were quick to keep her from falling. But that only made it worse. All she could think then was who was there for Rachel. Who was there to catch her when she fell? And the reality hit her like a ton of bricks. No one was there. In the end, she was alone. She was alone, suffering in the silence of her solitude with no one to help her when she needed it most.

No one was there for _her._

She wasn't there for _her_.

No one should be there for her now then either. She didn't deserve it…

She pushed them away as the ceremony continued. She heard none of it and it didn't matter. It shouldn't have been happening at all. They shouldn't have been there. Why were they there?! She couldn't be there. She just… She couldn't breathe. Never in open air had she felt so claustrophobic. "And now the deceased's mother would like to say a few words."

"Shelby, go." What? Who? Where? Huh?

She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to do? "No."

"Shelby?" People kept calling for her, urging her on… She couldn't do it… She just couldn't…

"No! NO! Rachel! Rachel come back! Rachel!" Shelby awoke with a choking sob, her voice separate from her body still calling out for her daughter. "Oh God!" She cried. She needed it to stop. She needed the pain to go away, but it was an infeasible dream.

She had it almost every night without fail. Every night in her sleep she saw her daughter being buried. She heard the Rabbi recite Psalms. She felt her family keep her from falling. She felt the tightness in her chest and the rawness of the pain. She saw the body being lowered into the ground; her daughter's body…

It happened every night since. And every night was different, but it all ended the same. Her daughter was dead and she couldn't bring her back. And it killed her a little more each time. She always woke up in a cold sweat, tears dripping from her eyes, and calling out for the one person who wasn't there; who hadn't been there for some time now.

Shelby never stopped thinking about her. Not once did Rachel leave her mind. And that, perhaps, was torture worse than dying a thousand deaths. She was forced to live one of the few things she feared most in the world over and over. Whatever she was doing, wherever she was at that very moment, Shelby hoped Rachel was better off than she was… Unfortunately, that really wasn't the case.

"You refused to take your medicines again this morning."

"I know."

"Why did you do that?"

"I didn't want to take them." She stated with a bite, hissing as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and she should've known it.

"Rachel, you can't keep doing this." The tone was sympathetic. She understood Rachel's struggles. She understood what it was like to feel the way she felt. Rachel just rarely gave her the chance to try. They had their moments though. She was hoping this would be one of them.

"Doing what?" Her head snapped in the other's direction, her eyes angrily glaring at her.

"How do you expect to get better if you don't even try?"

"I don't have to get better because I'm fine."

"Right." The girl laughed. "You're fine. Those permanent fixtures on your wrists scream A-Ok. How many stitches did it take to close you up? Do you even know?"

_Rachel waited for the house to be completely still, save for the sounds of her own breathing, before making her move. She didn't want to risk getting caught. That would ruin everything. So she waited, and she waited, but when the time came, she knew. A certain stillness, a calm feeling, washed over her and she knew. It was time. _

_She slipped out of bed in the veil of night and reached under the bed skirt for the duffel bag she stuffed earlier. Inside resided just a few things; some things she didn't want found, some things she did. Before anything else, she had to sort that out. She needed to get rid of what needed ridding of and carefully place everything else. It had to be meticulous. It had to be perfect. It was her final act. _

_The curtains on her last call were coming to a close and she needed to make the last scene count. _

_She would get her standing ovation one way or another…This was her Broadway stage and the fans were calling her name…_

"What do you know Julie? It's not like you're in here because you're a picture of health. Aren't you the girl that everyone says…"

"Hey." She said fiercely, finger waving pointedly toward Rachel. "That's not any of your business." She softened, but just slightly. "Now, get out of bed." She ordered. "We have breakfast in ten."

"Whatever." She hissed.

"I'm waiting." Julie said impatiently. Rachel knew the drill. If she didn't get up, first Julie would try and force her out. And if that didn't work, there was always someone around to really drag her out of bed however unwillingly it was. Meal times were not to be missed.

"I'm coming." She spat back.

"I don't have all day Rachel."

"So don't wait."

"You know how this works. Just get dressed already."

Huffing, Rachel tossed the covers off the bed. She hated it there. She hated every minute of time she wasted there. There was nothing about it that was helping her. She just… She wanted out of there, but that wasn't an option.

"Hurry it up."

"I am going as fast as I can Julie. Can't you just…" disappear… "go wait in the hall?"

Knowing that look, Julie agreed. "Fine, but I can still see you. Remember that."

"Whatever. It's not like I can forget" _And it's not like anyone let's me forget… _She wanted to add as she continued to sit there. Julie left, but not very far. Rachel just had no motivation; no reason to get up.

"Rachel, I don't hear you stumbling around the room."

Could the girl be any more annoying? "Julie please…" She begged. She just wanted some peace.

"Are you in one of your moods Rachel? Maybe they should up your next dosage."

"Could you just please, shut up?"

"Don't think so…" She quipped. "You know me."

"Unfortunately, I do."

"Good, so let's go."

"Just one more minute." She huffed. "Why are you in such a rush anyway?"

Julie came back into the room and sat on the bed Rachel had yet to vacate. "Rachel, I've got one month left here. One month and then I'm home." She said with levity in her voice Rachel hadn't heard much of before. "One month and I get to be with my friends again and out of this hell hole. Thirty days and a couple hours and I'm back where I belong."

"Yeah, with parents that will never let you out of their sight again and people who think you're nuts."

"The people who know me know the truth."

"And you're ok with that?" Rachel asked, genuinely wondering how she, someone who was just as much a mess as she had been when she first showed up there, could be so different. She heard stories, but she didn't see the girl they all spoke about in Julie.

"I have to be. I want out of here. I want to be better. Don't you pay attention at all during group?"

"Of course I do." That didn't mean she agreed with it all.

"Well, then you should know that you have to try to get better in order to actually get better. You've been fighting everyone here since you first came and invaded my room." It wasn't like it was her choice… "You know why you're here, so let everyone help you. Don't you want to get better?"

Julie was right. She knew why she was there. Shelby had explained her reasoning. _"I want you to get better."_ She said. And, on some level, Rachel could understand that. But, even if she wanted to get quote, unquote "better," she didn't think it really mattered anymore. Everybody knew everything. Everybody knew what she was… who she was… What was there to go back to? What was the point of trying when it didn't matter?

As Julie threw the clothes toward the brunette, Rachel's eyes fell to her hands. There on her wrists were permanent reminders of what she did; visual aids for people to see and question…

_She had two choices. In her mind, they were the only two, and she was about to choose the wrong one. _

_This was it. There was no turning back. No changing her mind. It was time… This was the end of it all…_

_It was the end of the line… nowhere left to go…_

_Simply, the end…_

_Destiny was in her hands. How would she guide it?_

_In her mind, she was never so sure of a decision in her life. This was what she needed to do. She'd be free. She'd feel… nothing… in the best of ways. And she'd feel all of the good. It needed to be done. She needed to be done. It was the moment every choice she ever made had led to. It was her final bow at the end of her last performance. People were chanting her name and she was giving them what they wanted. _

_Knowing that Shelby wouldn't wake and Beth was not there, Rachel wasn't too worried about noise, but she was still vigilant. Nothing could keep her from this. It was happening. First, though, she had to do what needed to be done. Quietly enough not to disturb Shelby, she slipped into Beth's room with something she had in her bag. Beth loved it. She always wanted to play with it, but for some reason, Rachel wasn't willing to part with it. She figured she just didn't want Beth to have any more of what should've been hers; even if it was just a teddy bear. _

_But Rachel would no longer have any use for it. It was officially Beth's for the taking. Or, better yet, it was her parting gift. With the stupid stuffed bear, Rachel relinquished all that was hers and gave it to the newer, better version of the Corcoran daughter; something she could never be. She hoped the toddler would find the happiness she never could. _

"_I hope this helps you sleep at night Bethie." She said to the emptiness of the room. Somehow, she knew Beth would get her message as she left the animal on the child's bed. _

_Everything else was much simpler. In the duffel bag were few things, one of which was her journal. Her other journals were locked away. If they wanted to read them, she didn't really care. She no longer had use for them, but that didn't mean she was going to make it easy. They still had to work for it. Just because she'd be gone didn't mean she wanted all of her thoughts and secrets to get out. And, apparently, that was a thing in their family. _

_So she took the most recent one, the only up to date one, the one that started the whole mess, and locked it away with the others. The key she left in its normal spot in her dresser. Her rituals, her food diary, that, she didn't know what to do with. Did she put it with the journals? Did she burn it? She couldn't burn it… But she didn't want them to find it. Really, though, she had to question if it actually mattered. Did it? Would them seeing it cause them pain? She didn't want that. She just wanted her own to end. _

_She tossed it. Much like everything else in her life, it was garbage. They wouldn't look there? Why would they? And if they did, well, there'd be no reason to care and there were more, to a lesser extent; there were more. It was no longer her problem. Nothing was… Even so, she didn't see them caring enough to go through much of anything. Maybe that would be her mistake, but it didn't matter. _

_Honestly, she wasn't sure what the point of anything she was doing was. No one cared. Even she didn't care. And yet, there was still that need. There was still that need to make everything perfect; to have one last final bit of perfection and perhaps the only real moment of it she would ever truly find. It was the last mark she'd leave on the world and it would be the only one that ever mattered. _

_She never mattered, but her actions would. Her actions would… _

_Or they wouldn't… She wasn't sure. But it was a done deal anyway. Whether people cared or not, she didn't want to be there anymore. She wanted, no needed, it to be over. She needed the constant voice in her head telling her she wasn't good enough to be stilled. She needed the everyday pain to just quell. _

_The ache in her heart… The emptiness of her soul… The anger she couldn't explain… The contempt for all that swelled with in… The pressure… The never being good enough… The immense failure that followed her every move… The dark cloud that just seemed to loom over her head waiting to pour onto her… She wanted it gone. All of it needed to be gone and away and she needed to be free from it. _

_That's what she was doing. She was ridding herself of that and ridding the world of her burden. _

_Just five more minutes. It would be over then. _

_One more thing needed to get settled. She reached into the bag to pull out the last of its important contents; two envelopes. Everything else was set, but she had taken great care to make her words count and she needed the perfect place to put them. They needed to be seen. They needed to get to the right people. _

_Eventually, someone would come looking for her, and they'd find her. But they'd find the letters first. Only two of the several she had written were there. One was for her Noah and the other, whoever had to deal with what was left. She assumed that'd be Shelby. The others, the real letters, would come later. She wanted to give them closure just like she was giving herself. _

_A clean break and a clean ending; proverbially clean… That was what she was offering to everyone. All her bases were covered and it was time…_

_Everything was prepared and with no one else to worry about and no one left to say goodbye to, she was ready. She was beyond ready. This was her freedom; her way out. And she wasn't going to screw it up like everything else. _

_With one last look at her room, her life, and all she was leaving behind, Rachel stepped into her bathroom. The bottle of pills she stashed from her clinic visit rested on the sink. It would've been oddly fitting that she die that way. Death by something given to relieve the pain from the loss of another… But the pills weren't her. Cleaner, yes, but that wasn't her. In her final moments, she just wanted to be true to herself. It didn't matter what anyone else had to deal with or what mess she would leave, it was finally just about her. _

_The razor… Her trusted friend and companion… That was her weapon of choice. It hadn't failed her yet and she doubted it would then. It stuck by her through thick and thin. It picked her up when she was down. It punished her when she needed punishing. It would end her when she needed ending… _

_Pushing the pills aside, she held the cool metal in her hand. For a moment, she just stared at it. She was going to do it. She was really going to do it. The sad part was that she didn't think anyone would really care. People were better off without her. Everybody's life would be better if she wasn't a part of it. That, she knew. And she was going to make that happen for everyone. _

_The silver was almost hypnotic as she held it in her tight grasp. Any tighter and her fingers would've bled. But that wasn't the goal. She just couldn't seem to stop. The keep to the passage between being confined in the life she was barely living and freeing herself to reach that big Broadway stage in the sky was resting in her palm. It wouldn't take much to get there. And she wasn't afraid, she realized. It was welcomed. She wouldn't be going anywhere in the world she was living, but maybe the next would be kinder. That was all she could hope for as she sat there. Even if it wasn't, she didn't care. She still wanted out. _

_One deep breath in and it was done. There was no hesitation in her strike. It was right. It felt right to swipe the blade against her wrist and rip through the flesh, the cold metal piercing through the fleeting warmth of her paled skin. Right hand first, then the left, and it was done. Veins were most definitely hit and that made it feel all that much better. It would all be over soon. And that gave her peace. The finality of the few moments left in her meek existence gave her tranquility. _

_The impurities were leaving her body bit by bit with every drop of blood she lost. And she watched as each glorious second passed. The lighter she felt, the freer she was. Life drained from her body, and with it went all the fears. With it went all the failure, all the let downs, all the disappointments… It was gone and she could finally breathe. For the first time, she could breathe again. There were no worries and no regrets. All she felt was light and still and so incredibly liberated. _

_Her body sunk closer to the cold tiles beneath her in the most comforting of ways. A certain weightlessness she knew well was beginning to seep through her pores as the thoughts that kept swimming started to slow. The poison of her body was spilling around her and it did little to affect her. She didn't care. Somehow, it even comforted her. The pooled blood was like a familiar friend offering her a hug before sending her off to the hereafter. The embrace was soothing. _

_She knew it was coming. A hint of a smile graced her face as a sense of serenity and inevitability took over. _

_It wouldn't be long now… It wouldn't be long until she was singing with the late greats in the heavens without any other care in the world. Any minute…_

She went through with it alright. But things sure didn't end how she wanted them to. Instead, she was there, stuck in some stupid room in a stupid rehab facility to order to "get well." What did being well even really mean? And how was she expected to do it when she was somewhere she didn't want to be?

"Earth to Rachel…"

"What do you want now Julie?" Rachel asked as she snapped out of her trance, her fingers still lingering over the healing scars.

"You know they'll come for us if we're late." Yes, another reminder of the limited "freedom" they were afforded.

"And people used to call me dramatic…" She rolled her eyes. "If you want to go, just go. I'm not hungry anyways." Not that she had much of a choice.

Sighing, Julie sat back down on the bed. "Come on Rachel. Do you really want to do this again? Last time…" Her words were cut off.

"I know. I know…" She shook it off. Last time was not something she wanted to think about or ever repeat. Her time there wasn't at all relaxing thus far. "I'm not refusing to eat Julie. I'm simply stating that I'm not hungry." There'd be no forced feedings for her again. She didn't want any of this. She didn't ask for it. Her life was fine before…And now there was she… "Can I…" She looked to the light haired girl beside her. "Can I please just have a minute?"

Understanding the need for a little privacy, Julie stood with a smile. "You've got thirty seconds, then I carry you there myself."

"I don't think you can. You're just a toothpick."

"Don't underestimate me. Besides, who are you calling a toothpick twiggy?" They laughed as the moment settled.

"Thanks Julie."

"That's what I'm here for. Now get dressed please. I really don't want to be late. You know how they are around here."

"Yeah, there are eyes and ears everywhere and even when you're alone, you're not and when you want to be you can't."

"Exactly, and don't forget the gate keepers that are always lurking."

"How could I?"

"Right, so don't make us late."

"I really will be right out."

"Ok." Julie gave her the room she needed while lingering close by.

Rachel just needed a moment before facing the world, or the bubble of a world everyone there was living. Everything was so monitored and so scheduled. Sometimes it felt like she couldn't breathe. But that wasn't what was on her mind. No, that was just a fact of her life. Her mind hand many more pressing matters. The scars on her wrists were just reminders of it all.

She'd eventually get out of there, but what she did, she was stuck with. It would follow her forever. And she wasn't sure what or who she'd be going back to… She was getting help or she was trying to, but she wasn't clear on why yet…

"Let's go Julie." She said after quickly dressing, the long sleeves pulled all the way down.

It was going to be a long day…

And not just for her; for everyone.

Back in Lima, Shelby was almost reluctantly packing a bag. Normally she would've been ready. She would've had the bag packed days in advance and would've been happy to go. But what was she going to?

"Ready Shelby?"

"I don't know…" She huffed, dropping down onto the bed with a plop. "I don't know if I can do this… I… I don't know if… how…"

"We finally get to see her. We've been waiting for this and now we finally can. It'll be hard, but you have to do this."

"You don't understand. You weren't there when she… and then…"

Hand atop her sister's, Casey pleaded for her to just say what it was that was keeping her so afraid and so guarded. "I can't understand if you don't tell me Shelby. Just tell me what happened that day. What did she say?"

"_What are you doing here? I asked you to leave. I don't want you here!" Rachel screamed from the bed; a bed she seemed to be in far too often. _

"_Listen Rachel." Shelby ignored her and continued into the room. Hurt feelings and emotions on overdrive, she had something to say and it was time Rachel listened. "I've been your mother…" The teen wanted to protest, but Shelby stopped it before it could begin. "From the moment you were conceived, the moment you took your first breath, I was your mother. That never stopped. I have been and always will be your mother." She sighed. She didn't like what she had to say, but it was a mess of her own making. "But I was never your mom. For a long time, I didn't think I could be. And I really haven't been acting like one lately. But that's over Rachel. I'm not just biologically connected to you anymore. I'm more than just the woman who gave birth to you. I am your mom. I am who takes care of you. And, though, I haven't been doing a great job, nothing could make me happier than having you in my life now and forever." It was getting harder and harder to keep her emotions in check, but she needed to stay strong. "So I need you to get better. I need you to see there is a problem here. And I need you to accept the help we're offering." Shelby pleaded. _

"_No." Rachel forced out, doing her best to curb her feelings. She didn't want Shelby to see. "No, I don't want your help! It's too late. All of this is too late Shelby!"_

"_It's not." She tried to say, but she doubted it was ever heard. The fury and hate in her daughter's eyes were enough to wound her forever. _

"_It's too late." Her head shook as she looked dead into her mother's eyes and asked a question neither ever expected. "Why Shelby? Why did you do it?"_

"_Do what?" She asked flabbergasted. _

"_Why did you save me?" The older woman froze. That was not a question she was anticipating or ever even saw coming. "Why did you do that?" Tears were breaking through the barriers of both their eyes. "Why?" She begged for an answer."It could've been over…" Words were just exploding from her mouth. "It all could've been over… It was supposed to be over. Why did you ruin that? Why did you save me Shelby?!"_

"_Because…" There shouldn't have been any doubt as to why. "Because I had to Rachel. I…" Was she really answering the question? "I had to. I love you. I couldn't let you die. I'm your mother. I couldn't just let you die without at least trying to save you."_

"_Well it's too late." Her voice was icy, a sharp and contrast change in her attitude. "It's all too late. You should've…" She sniffled. "You should've just let me go…"_

"_No…" Her hand was at her mouth to hold back the gasp that was itching to escape. Those were not the words of her daughter. They couldn't be… "Rachel…"_

"_You should've just let me die!" She yelled. "I should be dead!" She screamed again to make sure Shelby heard, and she did. She heard it loud and clear; each word piercing her like a stab to the heart. "You should've let me die!" Rachel couldn't control herself. She just kept repeating that over and over to a stunned Shelby as the water flew freely from both of them. _

"_I… I couldn't do that…" Shelby finally said before rushing out of the room. She couldn't be there. She couldn't see that. It was… It was all too much…_

_Practically heaving, she ran into the hall, the heavy wood door slamming behind her haste. Her hand fell to her chest as it tightened more and more each second. Breathing labored, she searched for the wall to hold her up. She wasn't strong enough for this. She wasn't made for this. Her daughter wanted to be dead. _Her_ daughter wanted to be dead… How did that happen?_

"_Oh God." She breathed as she fought with everything in her just to keep standing. With every inhale, her lungs seared. With every movement, her body ached. Her pulse raced. Her body felt not her own… _

"_Shelby!" Someone called as they hurriedly approached, each echoing step deafening to her ears. "Shelby what's going on? Is it Rachel? Do I need to get a doctor?" The words were panicked as her eyes searched her sister then the hall for an answer. _

_But, with full clarity, Shelby managed to straighten her hunched body just enough to look Casey in the eyes, her own red and glassy, and say, "I need…" She struggled. "I need to get out of here. I need you to get me out of here." She tried again. "Get me out of here right now!" She spoke in anguished cries. _

"_But Rachel…"_

"_Just get me out Casey! Get. Me. Out."_

"_Let's go." Casey was so alarmed that she had no choice but to oblige. Her sister was frantic…_

The memory was clear as a cloudless day. Every word would forever haunt her mind and only one other memory could ever compare. Only one other memory could easily top that one for the worst moment of her life. Some things just could never be forgotten…

_The night had been unsettled. Shelby didn't know what it was, but something was keeping her up. Sure, she fell asleep still feeling the euphoria of the oddly perfect night with her family, but something in her just knew something wasn't right. _

_At first, she thought it was her anger coming back. She thought it was the angst built up storming her system because she knew that, even though she gave into Rachel's request that night, she would have to address it again in the morning. But that wasn't it. No doubt was she angry and running off to New York for a spontaneous trip with friends was in no way ok, but it wasn't what was waking her. _

_She still didn't know. She didn't understand the feeling. It wasn't anger. It wasn't sadness. It was just… there. Like an alarm or worry. Her mother's intuition was just on overdrive. Maybe she was just worried about, well, everything. Rachel was digging herself deeper and deeper into the ground and Shelby was helpless to do more than witness the impending crash. That was enough to keep her up at night. But still, it didn't explain the feeling. Though she didn't think it was possible, it was more than that. _

_The continuous nagging feeling finally forced her out of bed, and she wouldn't regret it. She wandered a bit before going to see Rachel. She kept telling herself it was just a feeling and it didn't mean anything. A glass of water… that would help. But it didn't. And, eventually, she gave in. A quick look, she told herself, would be enough to settle her. But she wasn't even remotely prepared for what she found._

_She stopped at the doorway. The bed was empty. Where was Rachel? Panic immediately set in. Was that the feeling? Did she run away again? Where would she go this time? Back to New York? That would be too predictable… Where? "Rachel?" She called in question, hoping what she believed to be untrue. "Rachel?" One more time for good measure. But there was no answer. _

_The room was dark, but a soft glow emanated from beneath the bathroom door. Approaching, she saw the envelopes elegantly placed atop the again made bed. Picking the first up, she listened to the quiet of the room. Maybe Rachel had a weird habit of making the bed before getting back in it… That was possible, right? Right, she told herself. Of course it was… She was blind to everything before her once again as she did her best to not feel the dread she was feeling. Why was it so quiet? Why didn't Rachel answer her? Putting it out of her mind, if only for a second, she pulled a small, yet graceful, piece of stationary from the envelope. _

I'm Sorry_. That was all it said. "Sorry for what?" She asked, as her eyes furrowed and she scanned the room the pieces only starting to fit. Once again, her pulse raced and her stomach flipped. The note fell back down on the bed as she raced to the door. _

_As calmly as she could manage, she knocked on the bathroom door. Benefit of the doubt… She could give that… "Rachel are you in there?" Nothing, so she knocked again. "Rachel? I'm coming in." The door had no locks, but when she pushed it, she found some resistance. Pushing harder, still calling her daughter's name, she broke through and gained entrance._

_What she saw, she could never unsee. Color drained from the perfect face she knew so well as blood seemed to be everywhere. "Rachel?" She asked stunned. Like calling to her would change what she was seeing; like by some miracle her daughter lying on the bathroom floor bleeding to death was just a nightmarish figment of her overactive imagination. But it wasn't… And she was just standing there. She had to do something. _

_In a haze, she ran to her daughter, clinging to whatever delusion she could come up with in her mind, just so she could do what needed to be done. Grabbing towels off the rack, she held pressure onto both wrists. "Why Rachel? Why…" She anguished between tears. She scrambled about. She didn't want to release the pressure, but she needed to call for help. _

_How she managed, she didn't know, but in a complete fog, she found a phone and dialed. "What's your emergency?" She heard the voice ask. _

"_My daughter…." She spoke to the operator, the words breaking and complete sentences just an abstract thought. "Need ambulance…" She cried. "So much blood…"_

"_Ma'am, can you tell me what's happening and where you are?"_

_Giving her location, Shelby went on to explain, "My daughter… Rachel's bleeding. There's so much blood. I think… She did this to herself…" It really hit her then. "Oh God…"_

"_Ma'am, help is on the way. Please try to remain calm…" The rest of the words were simply lost on her. Sure, she was supposed to remain calm, but that was her daughter. Her daughter's blood was on her hands… It was everywhere. How could she possibly remain calm?_

_Surprisingly enough, she did stay calm enough to answer the woman's questions and heed whatever advice was given. Do this… Do that… She did what she was told; anything if it would help Rachel; Rachel who looked paler every passing second… Rachel who looked listless and still and so not her Rachel… _

_Hanging up with the operator as the paramedics arrived, she watched them work. They spouted stats about blood pressure and pulse ox and other things Shelby didn't care to understand. She merely stood there and prayed. The moment was so reminiscent of and yet so completely different than before. How were they at this point again? Why were they always in some constant drama? And why did the drama tend to involve hospitals? Damn it!_

"_Ma'am, are you coming?"_

"_Yes." She answered firmly. As she followed them to the ambulance. _

_The ride was eerie and so, so still. She was still. Things went on around her. The machines in there made noises and the men spoke, but everything felt still. Her world seemed unmoving and she wanted it to stay that way. If she so much as breathed or blinked or moved a fraction of an inch, everything would've been real and it would've meant… It would've meant her daughter tried to kill herself. _

_The dam broke as she was forced out into the ambulance bay. Her daughter really tried to commit suicide. And there was a possibility she had succeeded. Nothing was known. And suddenly, her still world was shifted into chaos. Nothing was still anymore. It was all just a mess… _

_After being pushed back and told someone would keep her updated, Shelby blindly wandered in search of some sort of phone. Hers was at home. Everything was at home; home where they should've both been, soundly asleep in the warmth of their beds dreaming about Barbra and kittens… She didn't even lock the door… But she did find a phone and instinctually dialed. _

_It took her a few frustrated tries to make the call, something about pressing 9 to dial out, but eventually, the call connected. "Whoever this is, someone better be dying." Mark answered. And the mere thought that that was exactly why she was calling sent chills down her spine and an audible sob out of her mouth. "Shelby?" He asked worriedly, jumping up in bed and waking Casey in the process. "Say something…" She couldn't. She didn't know what to say._

"_What's going on Mark?" Casey dazedly asked still half asleep. _

"_I don't know. It's your sister. She called your cell. It's… She's… crying…"_

"_Give me the phone." She quickly snatched it from him, sitting straight in her bed. She had been on high alert all evening. There was something in the air that gave her a bad feeling. Apparently, there was reason for it. "Shelby, it's Casey. What's going on?" Shelby couldn't physically produce the words she needed. "I need you to answer me Shel, you're freaking me out. Why are you crying? What happened?"_

_A hesitant and shaky breath led to what barely passed as a full thought. "Casey… I… I need you." She choked out. "Rachel… hospital… Casey, there was so much blood…"_

"_Blood?" She was more alarmed than ever. "Shelby what the hell happened?"_

"_Please just come. I need you."_

"_I'm on my way. Don't hang up though. What happened?" She needed to know. Mark, following her out of bed, watched her pace a bit, scouring for something. "I need to get to the hospital! Where are my damn keys?!" She questioned in a panic. Why wasn't Shelby saying anything?_

_Mark's hand grabbed her elbow catching her attention. "I'll drive." He whispered. Obviously, she was in no state to be behind the wheel. _

"_Thank you." She rushed to say before trying once again to engage her sister's response. "Shelby, Hon, please tell me what's happening." She pleaded. "Mark's starting the car and we're on our way."_

_Still clad in pajamas, Casey hurried after Mark to hop into the car. Her sister needed her. Her niece needed her. That was where she needed to be. "She… She did it Casey."_

"_I don't understand. What do you mean? What did she do?" She asked. _

_With a deep breath, she exhaled, "She tried to… She tried to kill herself Casey…"_

_The words lingered as her body went rigid and the phone nearly fell from her ear. She knew something was up, but that was not what she expected…_

No one expected that. No one knew how to handle that. And things just seemed to get worse every second from then on. In hindsight, they should've realized that the few peaceful moments were her version of goodbye, but, really, who thinks like that? Who looks for someone's exit strategy?

"You never talked about any of that." Casey said with a look of concern on her face. The whole thing aged them all a good five or so years, maybe a decade or two. It showed on all of their faces. A few extra gray hairs here and there… A few new worry lines marring their skin… But they accepted that. Hell, they welcomed it if it meant seeing Rachel alive and well for many more years to come.

"I don't like to think about it. If I…" She really didn't like to think about it. Talking about it was even harder. "If I don't think about it then it's like it never happened."

"But it did." She stated. "It did happen."

"I know. How could I possibly forget?" She sniped.

"I wasn't insinuating…"

"God Casey… I know you weren't… I just… I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to be around her… I just don't know anything…"

"What I'm saying Shelby, is that it did happen. No one's going to forget about it and no one knows how to act, but we all have to find a way to accept it."

"Tell me how. Tell me how to accept the fact that my daughter had to ask why I saved her life. Tell me how to accept that image of her so… so completely broken… How do I accept any of this?" Nearing tears she asked one more question, "How do I accept that I could've prevented this; that I could've done something?" Her hands covered her eyes as she shook her head. "I did this to her Casey. I did."

"You didn't do this. Her mind did this."

"But I could've done something."

"We both tried to help her. Maybe we didn't do enough, but we tried. And we can sit here and talk about our failures or we can get in that car, drive around all day, and see her tomorrow. It has been months. We haven't talked to her or seen her for months."

"I miss her." Shelby said quietly.

"I miss her too."

"It's quiet without her."

"Yeah."

"I like the quiet." She admitted.

"You do?"

"I like the quiet. I like the simplicity of this, like I can pretend this is life before Rachel came back into it."

"Shelby…"

"And then I feel bad for thinking like that. What kind of mother likes the time without her daughter? But… things are just so hard with her. I can never do anything right and she never gives me a chance. They're just so hard."

"They'll be better now."

"But I really miss her." Casey's words were unheard. Shelby had things on her chest she just needed to get out. "I like the quiet and I like it just me and Beth, but I like her here too. I miss her here. She is my daughter and I want her around, but not like she was. I want the real her back. Not the sick girl that I've come to know."

"We all want that."

"It shouldn't matter though, should it? I should take her as is and be ok with that…. But I don't know that I can…"

"Shelby…"

"I don't know that I can… I don't know that I can fail her again… I don't know that I can do that…"

"Shelby…" She didn't know what to say. What words would help? What action would comfort? "You didn't fail her. You didn't intentionally hurt her. We both missed things…"

"No we both did not." Shelby snapped. "You saw it… You saw something was wrong with her after spending minutes, hell, probably seconds with her. She was with me for weeks Casey, weeks before you met her and I didn't even suspect anything."

"That's…" Shelby angrily stopped her sister from speaking, a glare so deadly Casey just fell silent.

"Don't you dare say it's not my fault!" Shelby yelled at her. "I should've known Casey. I should've known. I saw her before all of this. I saw her and she was different. She was bright and outgoing and dedicated; such a performer."

"She's still all of those things." Casey tried to reason.

"But she's not." She answered honestly. "Yes, she still lights up a stage and she's still smart, but she's not the same. She's not that outgoing, demanding little diva I saw for the first time singing Barbra like she was the second coming. She's not the attention hungry stage presence that demands to be both seen and heard. She has been the opposite of that. She has gone out of her way to not be seen and not be heard and I missed that. I didn't see that. I didn't see anything…." Again, her head shook. "Or worse, I saw it and didn't do anything. How can I do that? What kind of mother does that?"

"Oh Shelby…" Casey moved closer, a gentle hand lying on Shelby's cheek. "The truth is… this isn't about you. This is about her. People didn't see anything because she didn't want them to see. She was lying to everyone; herself and you most of all. And you're a mom Shel… What mother doesn't want to see the best in their child? What mother takes something they question and turns it into this?"

"A good one." She was quick to respond, but Casey wasn't accepting that.

"No one does that Shelby. And you had your questions. You had your doubts. I know that and you know that too." She needed her sister to really hear her words. "This is not your fault anymore than it is hers. This is a disease that she has. That's all…"

"But I could've done more."

"We all could've done more. I could've pushed harder. I could've said something to her. Neither of us knew how to handle any of this. We're not trained for this. We did the best we could with what we knew and what we had."

"Well, our best wasn't good enough Casey. Look where we are… Look where she is and what she has been through. She felt like she didn't belong… Like she didn't belong with me… her mother…"

"Alright." Casey stood abruptly, pulling away from her sister. "I understand this need to think what if and look through every moment to see what could've been different, how you could've changed things, but that doesn't make it ok. We are where we are. This is what it is. No amount of what ifs or hypothetical, but not possible unless you have a time machine, situations is going to change anything. So you either have to accept things and grow from here on or you stay stuck. That's your choice. You can make whichever one you want." She backed away toward the door. "My choice is to go see my niece; my niece who is in a rehab facility trying to get the help she needs and could use all the support we can offer. And I'm going to give her that. If you can't, then don't bother. I can do it on my own and this pity party, this 'woe is me' thing you got going on, that's not going to help her. So get it together. I'll be downstairs for the next ten minutes. If you think you can pull yourself together and be there for her and you decide you're coming, then pack your bags and meet me down there. If you're not, then stay here; stay here and wallow and let me take care of Rachel. But don't put your guilt and your feelings onto her." Shaking her head, Casey left her there to let the words sink in. She could only hope what she said made a difference.

It had been three Rachel free months and it was hard on them both, on everyone really, but Shelby did nothing to change that. Casey tried to get her to a counselor to talk it out or a support group for other parents like her, but nothing struck with Shelby as a good idea. She was content to let the guilt eat at her. Where Rachel was concerned, all was her fault. And Casey had been passive about it. She knew how Shelby operated. She needed time and she needed to figure it out in her own way, but it had been too long and it wasn't just about Shelby anymore.

Beth still had her mother, though Shelby wasn't quite the same, but Rachel needed her too. Rachel needed all the support she could get and if Shelby wasn't taking any steps to help herself, how could she expect to help the teen? She couldn't and she wasn't. It was as simple as that. She saw her sister crumbling in the what ifs and should haves. She was stuck in that so much so that it affected the rest of her life too. She was more closed off, still herself, but not.

Without Rachel there, it was like Shelby was trying so hard to just separate herself from her daughter to save herself the hurt, but in the end only hurt herself more. Casey wasn't sure that that made sense, but that was how she saw it. Shelby was fine. She was. She just wasn't accepting things for what they were and that wasn't helping anyone. She needed to stop blaming herself and just grow up so she could be there for her daughter.

Until then, Casey would wait. She would sit there and hope that something resonated enough to cause change in the next ten minutes because with or without Shelby, she was getting in that car and going to see Rachel… with or without Shelby, it didn't much make a difference to her, but she was hoping for her family's sake, that it was with her… Ten minutes…

Rachel was doing a little waiting of her own. Well, it was more like procrastinating. After only barely getting through the struggle that was breakfast she didn't even want to imagine sitting through her one on one therapy session with Dr. Becks. She yearned for all that she left behind. She couldn't remember the last time she had real exercise, her body aching for an intense elliptical regime or one of her early morning runs. The razor still called for her moment after moment… But she was allowed no such luxuries.

Being there, she was informed, was for a "reason" and she was being forced to accept that it was what was best for her. "That's what treatment is" she was told. Well, treatment sucked. Treatment took away everything she knew and kept her from the only comfort she could find. It was taking everything from her. "But you have your life" she was also told. Well, what if she didn't want it?

She could hear it already. "Is that really what you want Rachel?" Dr. Becks would say. "Do you want to be dead?" Saying yes would keep her there longer and make the all watching, never ceasing eyes more watchful. Saying no would be a lie…

What people wanted from her was so beyond her. They wanted her to live and it seemed they got their wish… They wanted her better, but in her mind she was still fine. She was still so unsure what better was. What did that mean? And when would it come? Because she didn't feel better… In many ways, she felt worse. How was that a help to her?

She really didn't want to be there. But she didn't want to be home either. Was there anything left for her there? Anywhere? Was there anything left at all? Where did she want to be? "Rachel." What did she want from anything, with anything? "Rachel, I'm ready for you." Would her friends accept her? Would there be more ridicule? "Rachel?"

"Huh?" She was pulled from her thoughts.

"I said I'm ready for you."

A false smile on her face, Rachel nodded, and followed the doctor into her office. "Ok." She was as ready as she ever was which wasn't very. But, she took the doctor's lead and sat in the normal seat across from the auburn haired woman and waited for their session to begin.

Her hazel eyes studying the small brunette, Dr. Becks leaned forward in her chair, arms leaning on her crossed legs, and asked, "How are you doing today Rachel?"

"Fine." She was quick to reply. She was fine. Wasn't she always? This was fine. That was fine. Everything was fine, fine, fine…

"Fine? That's it?" The older woman tried to get Rachel talking.

"Yup."

"Hard morning?" Hard life…

"No, not really." She lied. Every morning was hard. And every night was too. It was all hard. They were trying to change all she knew. How could it not be hard?

"So, how are things going with Julie?"

"Good." She responded.

"Still butting heads?" The girls were rocky with each other, a very love hate relationship between the two. They bickered and fought, but they still seemed to offer each other help and comfort. They were a good fit, just like she thought they'd be.

"No, not really."

"Not really?"

"No, we're not. She's still an annoying know it all, but she probably thinks the same about me."

"You're probably right." She agreed as she watched Rachel. The girl clearly had something on her mind. "Ok. Want to tell me what you were thinking while you were waiting out there?"

Rachel's eyebrows quirked. "What do you mean?"

"You looked a little lost. Thought you might want to talk about it."

"Well I don't." She snapped before quickly softening. She knew being angry at the doctor just led to more talking. She didn't want to talk. She wanted out; out to where she wasn't sure… "I'm sorry."

"It's ok Rachel. Something's obviously bothering you. Why don't we start there today?"

"It's nothing. There's nothing…" Her spiel wasn't convincing. No matter what she said, she'd end up talking about it sooner than later.

"Ok, you don't want to talk about that. That's ok. I heard breakfast was rough. Let's start there."

"It wasn't."

"Rachel, Max said you fought him tooth and nail. What's going on?"

"I don't know."

"You've been doing well. Did something happen since we last spoke?"

"No… nothing happened…" Nothing ever happens… She just wanted normal again… whatever that was.

"Why didn't you want to eat this morning?" She didn't want to eat… ever…

"I just didn't ok!" Dr. Becks was familiar with this Rachel. She had made several appearances in their numerous meetings and it usually meant a storm was brewing in that head of hers.

"Getting angry at me won't change anything."

"I know that."

"Then why do you insist on always finding some way to be angry?"

"I don't do that?!"

"I think you do. Do you know why I think you do that?"

"No, but I bet you'll fill me in on what I, apparently, cannot see."

"I think it's a coping mechanism. Being angry allows you to find reason to push people away."

"I don't think so. You're wrong."

"Am I?"

"You are."

"Well, why don't you think about it a bit? Right now, tell me about breakfast and why today was different."

"It wasn't different."

After a little more push and pull with little success with the hostile Rachel and deciding to just cut to the chase since the session was winding down, Dr. Becks just jumped in. "Your family will be here tomorrow." She stated knowing it would rattle her patient a bit.

Head popping up, Rachel asked, "What?" They were?

"We talked about it last week. You didn't remember?"

"No." She sighed. Was she ready for that? Did she want that? She missed them. She missed everyone, but did it matter? Did they really miss her? She wouldn't miss her.

"We discussed it a little before, but knowing they'll be here soon, how are you feeling?"

That was a good question. How was she feeling? "I don't know." Unsure, lost, confused…

"Yes you do. How are you feeling?"

"I don't know…" She said again. "I don't know if I want to see them." No, she knew she didn't. She was embarrassed. She was ashamed… She was terrified… How could she face them?

"Why not?"

"Because," she started, her little confidence dwindling, "because…"

"Because why?"

Sighing and head down, she asked, "What if I don't want to see them?" What if they didn't really want to see her?

"Well, if you really don't want to see them right now, when I meet with them tomorrow, I can surely talk to them and see if we can reschedule for a later time, but I know they've travelled a long way and are really excited to see you again."

"But…" So many thoughts swam.

"But what Rachel?"

"Do they really want to see me?" She asked timidly, so unsure of herself and the people she knew she hurt.

"They really do Rachel." The doctor assured her. "Are you nervous about seeing them?"

Ignoring the question, she asked her own. "Who's coming?"

"To my knowledge, your aunt Casey and your mother will both be here."

"Just them?" She didn't know if what she was feeling was relief or sadness… What about everyone else? Was there anyone else left? She hadn't talked to anyone since, well, since they fled to New York and she didn't know if the rest of her family wanted anything to do with her anymore. She was more trouble than she was worth. Why would they want anything to do with her?

"For now… Starting small is important Rachel. Keep in mind all we talked about in our sessions. Seeing your family and addressing them, listening to them… It's all an important part of your recovery. They're a very important part of this journey. You're ready for this."

"I am?" She doubted.

"You are." She stated. "The day will be like any other here. Meals will be as planned. You'll still meet with group. But, even though it's not our regular day, we'll meet tomorrow and when you come to see me, your family will be here too."

"I don't know if I can do this." She admitted.

"You can."

"What if…What if they… I just…" She began to panic. Being there, accepting that, that was hard enough. Being apart from them… that was ok. She didn't have to see them. They didn't have to see her… She couldn't breathe. Was the room always this small?

"Deep breathes Rachel. Remember the relaxation techniques we discussed. Breathe in and breathe out. You're going to be ok." Following the doctor's instructions, Rachel calmed. "There. See, you're ok."

"Yeah…." Ok…

"Tell me what's going on. I can't help you if…"

"…if I don't help myself. I got it. I'm ok."

"Now you are, but what was going on in your head before? What caused you to panic?"

"I don't know."

"It's important that you're honest with both yourself and me Rachel. That's the only way we can learn your triggers and find ways for you to cope with them."

"I know." She said honestly. That was a talk they had many times. Honesty. Triggers. This and that. Fine whatever, she had a problem, but it wasn't as bad as they made it out to be, right? The medicines, the therapies, the doctors, and everything else… that was overkill. Wasn't it? Her family was just trying to get rid of her… "I was… I was just… overwhelmed I guess." Not untrue, she was. She was scared and confused and so unsure. Her family was coming. They were going to be there and see her and she was going to see them… How did she feel about that?

"Overwhelmed how?"

"I don't, I just…"

"Use your words." Dr. Becks tried to coax her patient. Sometimes the girls were so in their head that they couldn't verbalize their thoughts. She had worked on that with Rachel.

"I just don't know how I feel about seeing them." And what that meant… What they could say to her…

"Are you nervous?"

"Yes, I guess I am a little. I haven't seen Shelby or Casey since…"

"Since when?"

"You know… since… since I was in the hospital."

"When you tried to take your life?"

"Yeah… Yes." And every moment they spent together those few days in the hospital seemed worse than the time before. Rachel took the mess of a situation they were in and made it messier and harder.

"What happened?"

"It just wasn't a good time."

"You're still so closed off Rachel. We need to work on that. Sometimes you can go on about things and sometimes you just shut down. Why do you think that is?"

"Aren't you the one that's supposed to tell me what's wrong not the other way around?"

Smiling, Becks explained, "Only you know what you're thinking and what's going on in your head. I can't tell you that."

"I suppose that's true."

"So you need to work on communicating your thoughts like we've been trying."

"I have been."

"Ok, think you can try again?"

Head bowed, Rachel let out a burning question. "Do you think…?" But she stopped mid thought.

"What is it Rachel? Do I think what?" She wanted the patient to keep talking, to let it out…

"Never mind."

"Rachel…"

"Are they going to come?" She asked quickly unable to look Dr. Becks in the eyes.

"They'll be here Rachel." But what if they didn't show up? What if they were just coming to tell her there was no home waiting for her after all of this?

"Ok." She was less than convinced.

"Have you been writing in your journal every day like we discussed?"

"Yes."

"Do you have anything you want to share in our last few minutes?"

"No."

"Nothing you want to talk about?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

Hesitating just a moment, she answered, "Yes."

"Alright…" Dr. Becks said giving her a moment to change her mind and say whatever it was she wanted to say. "Then go get to group. You don't want to be late."

"No, we wouldn't want that…"

"I'll see you tomorrow Rachel."

"Bye Dr. Becks."

Leaving the room and a note writing psychiatrist behind, she still had a lot weighing on her. So many things were still so hard for her to talk about, but she didn't really want that. She wanted to be open and to feel ok. No one really wants to think about all the bad all the time. But it seemed that no matter what they taught her, the urge to do what she knew was still there. She still wanted that…

Rachel was quiet the rest of the day. That wasn't too unusual though she had been slowly becoming a bit more vocal, but she was more withdrawn than normal; kept to herself and barely participated. Not even Julie could get a rise out of her. Facing food seemed increasingly difficult. She put up more of a fight than she had that morning and the dietary aids and other watchdog like people didn't like it very much.

"You know the rules. You can't leave the table until you're done."

"I'm done!"

"You haven't eaten Rachel."

"I said I'm done!" She tried once more to get away from the table to no avail. Hands quickly kept her from moving.

"Stay." She was commanded like a dog. She was the only girl left. The only girl? Even the new girls were done?

"I said," her hand itched as it reached forward toward the plate, the other's nails digging into her palm she clenched it so tightly, "I'm done!" And just like that, she sent the plate flying. She didn't care about the trouble she'd be in and the setback it'd be seen as. She just needed to let it out. There was no cutting. There were no rituals. There wasn't really anything allowed from the life she knew. Anger was all she had and she was holding onto that.

Maybe Shelby was too… Hell, maybe they all were…

Casey was watching the hands on the clock like her life depended on it. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock… And with every agonizingly slow moment that passed, she became more and more convinced that her sister wasn't going to go and it broke her heart. Everything about the situation broke her heart. Everybody was hurting in one way or another and there wasn't much she could do to ease the ache. And that made the ache she was feeling, the void that only Rachel could fill, hurt more.

With a heavy sigh, Casey looked to her watch. If she wanted to make it to the hotel by check in to keep her reservation, she really had to leave. Standing leisurely, she bought Shelby every extra second she could just hoping that would make the difference. One second would be the difference between Shelby being the person she thought she was and someone she didn't know at all. "I guess this is it." She said to the empty room, one more sigh escaping her. Time to go.

Reaching for her keys on the table and her bag hanging from the coat rack, Casey readied to leave. She did everything at a snail's pace, but enough was enough. There was no more putting it off. She had to go and she was leaving. One step… two steps… three… And then she was at the door. She was at the door after an extra five minutes and there was still no Shelby. Hand on the knob, turned and opened, and that was when she heard it.

"Casey?!" The call was followed by a clank and bang. "Casey, are you still here?"

A breath of relief audibly sounded. "I was just about to leave."

"Wait! You have to wait for me!" She stumbled down the last few stairs, her suitcase, one much too large for the trip they were making, trailing behind her, another bang, bang as it plopped down the last steps.

"We have to go." Casey said impatiently. She was done waiting. Now she too was just angry.

"Ok. Ok, I'm ready."

Silently, she helped Shelby get the bag to the car as the younger sister locked the door. She sped away, quickly getting them as close to on track as they could be with the delay, anger still swilling and she was intent to let it stew, but she didn't want that. She didn't want that sitting over them as they drove hours in a car together. They needed to be strong and unified for Rachel. "Were you really not going to come?"

Taken aback, Shelby looked to her sister in confusion. "Of course I was coming."

"I honestly didn't think you were. It didn't look like you were."

"I just… I needed a minute."

"I'm glad you're going. Rachel needs us… And we need her. We need to do this for us too; to confront her and let her know that she hurt us, but that we still love her and want nothing more than to see her get better."

"Yeah." Shelby wandered. She wanted all of that, but she was still so nervous and scared to see her daughter. No one had ever had the power to hurt her quit like her own flesh and blood. And she was angry because of it. She was angry that she could be hurt like that, that Rachel hurt her like that, but mostly, she was angry at herself for letting things get as far as they had. She didn't know how to let go of that.

They drove fairly quietly for a good hour or so, the occasional chit chat and discussion of what they wanted, but mostly, they were both in their own heads thinking about everything. Staring out the window, Shelby occasionally fingered the paper in her bag her hand had been resting on most of the trip. Unaware, she pulled it out.

"What is that?" Casey asked, her eyes wandering to the envelope in Shelby's hand.

"Nothing." She was quick to answer, carefully shoving the worn paper back into her purse.

"Shelby tell me that's not…" She looked perturbed and Shelby looked like a guilty kid with a hand in the cookie jar. "It is isn't it? How many times have you read it?" Enough to know it by heart…

Not a few days after finding Rachel cut and bleeding out on the bathroom floor, it came. Everything was already a mess, but the fact that the only notes she found either said two words, "I'm sorry" or was addressed to Puck, Shelby felt a little hurt. She didn't even warrant a goodbye? But then it came. It came in the mail postmarked from New York and she didn't know what to do with it…

"I don't have to read it to know what it says." She whispered.

"Shelby, seriously, you can't keep doing this." Her head shook. They couldn't keep doing this.

"Just pay attention to the road Casey!" Shelby yelled as they swerved.

"No, I mean I am, but no, you can't push this aside. You need to talk to me and you need to do it before we get there."

"Come on Casey, I know you still have yours."

"Of course I do. I have it, but I don't carry it around with me and read it time and time again like some morbidly twisted keepsake. That's not healthy; not even a little."

"What I do isn't your business." She said too calmly to a racing Casey.

"Yes it is. It's my business because I love you, because you're my sister and because you have two kids whose lives I want to be a part of. That all makes it my business Shelby!"

"You need to stop policing me!"

"And you need to start acting like the adult here! You need to stop this. You need to grow up and get your head out of your ass because if you did that sooner maybe we wouldn't have to drive to a rehab facility to see your daughter after a failed suicide attempt!"

Stunned silence took over as Casey slammed on the brakes and pulled off to the side of the road. God, she didn't want that to come out. She didn't mean that. She didn't really feel that way. It wasn't Shelby's fault… She just… She couldn't keep seeing her sister being so… She just couldn't do it. "Shelby I'm… I'm so sorry. I didn't…"

"Save it. I don't want to hear it. Just drive." Obliging, Casey nodded, collected herself as best she could, and brought them back to the road, saddened by her own words; words she didn't even mean…

Shelby let the uncomfortable silence take over as she leaned back into the seat and quickly pretended to fall asleep. But sleep was far from possible. So, in the dark of her own mind, she let Rachel's writing move her once more. A goodbye… A final goodbye to a mother from the daughter she never really knew and almost lost the chance to…

_Dear Mom, _

_That's what you are aren't you? My mom? I bet you're surprised to see it there in writing though. I guess that's my fault too. That shouldn't be surprising. So many problems in your life were caused by me. But, I should've said it more. I should've made you be my mom. I should've let you be my mom. But, if you prefer to be Shelby, then just ignore the mom parts. I'm gone, you can be whoever you want and it doesn't matter anymore. _

_I know I didn't make it easy for you. I was impossible to love and now you'll never really get the chance to try. For that I'm sorry. But there's no reason for sadness. You have Beth to think about. And, if you really think about it, she's more your daughter than I ever was. You chose her. Maybe she chose you too. You'll get to raise her from start to finish. She'll be perfect and you'll be happy with her. There wasn't any room for me there. _

_And that's ok. There didn't need to be room for me. I was just a tornado that came to Kansas and sent everyone to a less yellow brick road version of Oz, but Dorothy clapped her heels and home she went. I didn't belong there. I didn't really belong anywhere. My dads may have loved me and we had some really good times together, but, as I got older, they wanted more time for themselves. Do you think they'll have time for me now? Do you think we'll be all together and do the things we used to do? Do you think it'll be better?_

_I guess I don't really know. Things could be worse. But I don't think it will be. Wherever I end up has to be better than here. Do you believe in heaven mom? Is that where I'll go? Will I be less alone there? Will I be liked? Are there slushies in the afterlife?_

_Will this finally end? I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of hating myself and not being enough. I can't do anything right. I'm probably not doing this right either. No one likes me. No one needs me. The tormenting, the… the everything… It was just too much. But I need you to know this isn't your fault. You tried and you didn't have to. You didn't want me and I was forced on you. You did the best you could with the crapshoot you were given. I'm sorry you were stuck with me. Stuck with a friendless loser like me… _

_I'm just so tired mommy… I'm just so tired. You can understand that can't you?_

_I needed it to stop. It has to stop. It has to end, so I'm ending it… Please don't be mad and please don't be sad. I'm not afraid… Don't be afraid for me._

_I'm sorry you had to be the one to find me. I'm assuming it was you. Who else could it have been? I didn't want to hurt you, but there was nowhere else. Take care of Beth and Casey. And let Casey take care of you. She loves you, you know?_

_I love you mom. I love you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't be better. That I couldn't be more. That I couldn't be who you deserved me to be…_

_I'm sorry._

_Love,_

_Rachel_

A dark storm cloud still lingered above the family. They each had their anger and their sadness and their pain. The storm wasn't over and it'd leave behind a wake of destruction, but the truth was they didn't know what came next. They could all come out better and stronger or they could not. Would the scars follow them forever?

Like a storm cloud that lingered, it could pass, it could rain, or it could pour…

Things were still so uncertain…

I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I went with my original chapter though it was written many times and many ways…

Story is almost finished… We're almost there…

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Guest 1) Running away? Rachel's running away? Who said that? Uh oh… False sense of security… definitely. And one more hospital visit you say? Hmmm, well, I guess you'll know after this chapter… 2) 3) 4) Sorry for the long wait, it's updated now. Enjoy it…

emmytwilightgirl So, I think we just about covered everything in your review… Right? But thanks for the help with some of the details; it will definitely be used more in the next chapter. Clearly I failed on your update soon request. You forgive me don't you? …pouts… please?

angelp316 Probably shouldn't have missed that deadline for your paper, but thank you. Glad you enjoy the story enough to need to be caught up. Enjoy the update…

**ajunebuga**** That is a big concern… Definitely something you should be worried about. Uh oh… **

CarolineSC Thank you! And believe it, it all did happen. Here's another installment…


	40. Confrontation, Challenge, Growth

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

So, I can apologize, but that really doesn't seem to be very fair or anywhere near enough. But, the truth is I am sorry, believe it or not that's up to you. Life has gotten busy and hectic and things happen, but I should've updated sooner. I wish I had and I apologize once more that I have not gotten this up sooner. Don't worry, you only have to deal with my infrequent updates for a few more chapters should you choose to continue reading. I hope you do but I can't force you. Anyway, hope you enjoy and can forgive me for my colossal lapse in time management.

Ignore any spelling/grammar errors. I kept you waiting long enough and since I don't have the time to read, reread, and read again, to edit it properly tonight, I figured I'd put it up as is and deal with that when I didn't have a long list of things to do.

**Chapter 40: Confrontation, Challenge, Growth**

"What are you doing in Rachel's room?" Shelby asked dumbfounded as she looked at the mess her sister created; boxes and bags and stacks and piles everywhere. A tornado other than the Rachel storm came in and attacked the room. That's what it seemed like anyway.

Shelby's lighthearted tone didn't sit well with Casey though. Things between the sisters were strained at best, but they were better… much, much better from where they were. They had to come together, they realized, or the disorder won. And that was what they attempted to do; make peace after that blowout in the car. Shelby realized Casey had valid points and

Not turning to look at Shelby, Casey remained on the floor routing through a pile of things. "She'll be home soon." She said, speaking in an ominous tone, not really answering the question.

"I know Casey. I'm excited to have her back. The last time we saw her, she looked so good."

"She did." Casey wasn't going to disagree. The last time they went to visit Rachel, their parents came too. The girl was actually smiling and she looked… Healthy. She was a little fuller, not quite where they would've liked, but definitely less skeletal, and she seemed more of the person Casey knew her to be; how she imagined her to really be before the eating disorder and depression took over and held her in a vice grip. She was finally breaking free and letting others in; accepting her family into her life if only a little.

"So what are you doing?" Shelby tried again trying to be civil and genuinely curious.

"I'm doing what we should've done a long time ago." She stated cryptically. Of all the people, she was the one to hold it together the most and the best, She was the one people looked to for strength and guidance like she knew any more than they did even when she didn't, but this was her unraveling. She tried to hold it together, but, beside her husband, there was no one to really help her deal. So, this was her way of dealing. As weird as it was, now that it was almost over, or at least now that everything was out and help was sought, she wasn't doing so well. She wasn't as put together as she seemed. Maybe because she didn't need to be? They were settling. Rachel was away getting help. Shelby and she were on better terms… She had time to think and stew and it was breaking her because she didn't need to be the rock any longer. They were more solid and the cracks were starting to rear their ugly head.

"And what's that? Destroy her room?" Shelby joked. She, on the other hand, found her own strength in the chaos. Casey's tough love and the first visit with Rachel… they were wake up calls that she heard and heeded. Her growth since was, in several people's opinions, dramatic. All of them were forced to grow up, but Shelby was the one who had the furthest to go when it came to dealing with the situation and she made tremendous strides.

"No, look for the problem." Casey said like Shelby should've known that.

Curious, Shelby stepped into the room, still taking in the mess. "And, what did you find?" She questioned.

"Look around Shelby." She spoke somberly, but Shelby listened, searching blindly for something. What was she supposed to see? "Each of these piles is of… evidence."

"Evidence? It's not a crime Case." Though it felt like they were the victim of one… And, in many ways, that room was once a crime scene. Casey definitely didn't appreciate didn't appreciate the humor, sharply looking to her sister with a pointed glare. "Each one?" Shelby gave in. She was trying to keep things light and positive, but something was wrong if her sister was acting like that.

"These," she held the papers in her hands, "are all missed and late assignments she collected."

"Well Casey, we don't have to worry about that. That's taken care or already. We worked that out with the teachers and she made all that up and is on track for this year."

"Right…"

"What else?" Shelby sensed more, a big more….

"That over there," she extended her hand to point to the box on the bed, "Journals Shelby… All journals."

"She wrote that many?" She questioned, examining the stack of notebooks. "How could one girl have so many thoughts?" Most of which, she assumed, were bad.

"Not thought journals… Food journals…"

"Food journals?" She quarried. "Like the ones the nutritionist told us to do?" What was the harm in that?

"No, not like that." Her head shook.

"Then like what?"

"Every calorie she ate, every exercise she did… Every pill she took… Everything…It's all in there. Every last detail is written there."

"She… wrote it all down?" She knew, mentally she knew, but she still wasn't ready for it.

"That and more. Everything really… And by everything, I mean everything… I just wanted see what they were to organize; you know, see if it was school stuff. I wasn't even going to read any of it… Then I saw what it was…"

"And you didn't want to read it, but you couldn't look away?" She understood it and it was just like Casey to do that. The way Shelby saw it, better Casey than her because she would've broken down and crumbled back into those tiny little fragmented pieces she hoped to avoid. She was just barely beginning to be put back together.

"Exactly."

Shelby put the book in her hand down. She didn't want to see what was inside. Witnessing all she had with Rachel had steeled her a little, but any more chinks in her armor and she was likely to crack. "What's that?" Shelby pointed to a small bag on the floor.

"See for yourself."

Hesitantly, Shelby made her way closer until she could see into the bag. "Where?" She asked with a shake in her voice. She didn't want to see that. She needed to be past it all. There's be no forgetting, but she didn't want to see it either. "Where did they come from?"

"Where didn't I find one?" Her non-humorous sarcasm wasn't helping the situation. "They were everywhere."

Trying to accept things and overcome the fear she still felt, Shelby calmly stated, "I guess, we should've expected that." Though, her words came out more like a question, she believed that to be true. Rachel hurt herself. They missed that… But she was coming home soon because she was doing well; she was better, in the recovery process. That was the past. Right? "Where were they?"

"Are you not listening Shelby? They were everywhere. A razor taped under the desk, in the bathroom, here and there…" She pointed around the room. "I have a bag full of razors Shelby; metal she used to cut herself. The one she used to…"

"I know what she did! You don't need to remind me. You don't have to spell it out for me. I saw it too. I found her that day. There is no denying any of it anymore." She slouched and took the spot on the floor next to her sister. "God Casey. What the hell is your problem?"

"I'm sorry." She shook her head and face palmed. "I just… I'm… upset."

"I can see that Case. We all are. But what happened? Why are you in here?"

"I needed to do something."

"Clean?"

"No Shelby. This isn't about cleaning. Rachel, even as messed up as she is, was, was a neat freak. Everything is organized. I just needed…"

"Needed what?"

"Needed to see where we went wrong." She stated with a sigh.

"Aren't you the one who told me not to think about that and the what ifs?"

"Yes but Shelby… If we had done this in the beginning and found all of this…"

"She would've found a way to do it anyway and would've hated us for it. You know this. I know you do because these are your words you're eating."

"I just wish we could've helped her sooner. That's all."

"I know Casey. I do too. I think about it every day, but no more. She'll be home soon, here with us. It's a new start for our family and you made me realize focusing on what we could've done doesn't change anything."

"No, it doesn't. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do it over again if I could; insist we get her treatment right away whether there was proof or not."

"Me too." She put her hand on Casey's knee. "Let's get this cleaned ok? We can't have her coming back to this. We'll take out all the… things that we find inappropriate and the rest we'll put back where it belongs. Maybe we can paint the room and change things up; make it a family project or something."

"Ok. I think that's a good idea. I like it." The rest of their time in that room was nearly silent except for the few exchanges about where things belonged. It was like they were going through the wreckage of a storm, unsure of what they'd find beneath the debris. They sorted and relabeled and stacked until the room was just as it was minus a few things.

"We've come a long way, haven't we?" They still couldn't get over how much things had changed. They were the same, yet so, so different.

"Yeah, we all have. Things will be better now. The family therapy helped and we'll continue doing that. She'll stick with therapy too. We'll take care of her."

"We have to all take care of each other." That was what family did and it would be the only way to truly survive this.

"I don't know if I've said this, but I love you Casey and I am so grateful to have had you by my side through all of this. I don't know what I would've done without you. So thank you."

"You know I love you and your girls. I'm always here Shel… Always."

"I know." She did know. Her sister was there for her even when they swore they hated each other because that was who she was. And they, her family, her and Rachel and Beth, they were lucky to have her; thankful and so incredibly blessed. She as their rock and support, their truth teller and sensei. She was the reliable one they could look to and there was no one else quite like her. "It's going to be ok. Everything has changed from that first visit."

"I don't know about that."

"I do. She was so angry and so hateful at first, but you made me see she didn't mean it somehow, and I'm still unsure how, you got through to her too."

"I didn't do anything Shelby."

"You remember that visit, don't you?"

"There's no forgetting it."

Rachel was three months into treatment and the doctors believed she was finally beginning to accept that there was a problem. Visitors, well, family visits, were finally allowed and considered vital for treatment. When they got there, they were immediately informed that there were some issues. Rachel had stepped out of line and broken some rules so the visit was delayed for a day. It worried them, like everything concerning Rachel tended to do, but Dr. Becks told them everything was ok. She was ok. Some patients just didn't react well to the first visit and Rachel was particularly sensitive to it.

_Rachel was quiet the rest of the day. That wasn't too unusual though she had been slowly becoming a bit more vocal, but she was more withdrawn than normal; kept to herself and barely participated. Not even Julie could get a rise out of her. Facing food seemed increasingly difficult. She put up more of a fight than she had that morning and the dietary aids and other watchdog like people didn't like it very much. _

"_You know the rules. You can't leave the table until you're done."_

"_I'm done!"_

"_You haven't eaten Rachel."_

"_I said I'm done!" She tried once more to get away from the table to no avail. Hands quickly kept her from moving. _

"_Stay." She was commanded like a dog. She was the only girl left. The only girl? Even the new girls were done?_

"_I said," her hand itched as it reached forward toward the plate, the other's nails digging into her palm she clenched it so tightly, "I'm done!" And just like that, she sent the plate flying. She didn't care about the trouble she'd be in and the setback it'd be seen as. She just needed to let it out. There was no cutting. There were no rituals. There wasn't really anything allowed from the life she knew. Anger was all she had and she was holding onto that._

_Though, she'd realize eventually, her anger wouldn't get her what she wanted and only put off the inevitable. After her outburst, she was taken to a private area where it was just her, a plate of food, and several intimidating hall monitors; she didn't really know their exact title. Dr. Becks showed up eventually too. But she stayed stubbornly strong in her will power. _

"_What's going on Rachel? Why are you refusing to eat again?"_

"_I don't want it. I don't like this food and I'm not putting it in my body."_

"_What's wrong with the food?"_

"_It tastes terrible. Do the cooks here even know how to cook? Aren't we supposed to want to eat this food? Why would we do that if it tastes like this?"_

"_How do you know what it tastes like if you haven't eaten any?"_

"_I did eat some."_

"_And then you threw the rest."_

"_I didn't." The raised eyebrows of the woman before her made it clear that the truth was irrefutable. "Ok, I did, but I don't want it. I won't eat it and these goons can't make me." She huffed like a belligerent child._

_Sensing the real problem, Dr. Becks cleared the room and sat adjacent to Rachel. "Your family arrived this morning."_

"_Great…" Just great… Her hands instinctively wrapped around her body like a protective shield. To protect her from what… she wasn't sure. _

"_You know I can't let you leave this room until your plate has been emptied."_

"_So turn around, let me dump it in the trash, and then neither of us would be stuck here."_

"_I can't do that Rachel. You need to eat."_

"_I don't want to." She just stared at the plate and continued to hug herself._

"_Aren't you hungry?"_

"_No." She answered a little too quickly. While physically, she may have been hungry, her mind was full and there was no room for food._

"_Tell me what you are thinking."_

_Mumbling, she answered, "I'm thinking I want out of here." _

"_Me too, but we can't do that until you eat."_

"_I don't want to. I won't. I can't."_

"_Remember when we discussed triggers?"_

"_Yes, we do it every session. I'm not being triggered. I'm just not hungry. Can't I just not be hungry?"_

"_You can, but I can hear your stomach rumbling Rachel. You're hungry. You need to eat. You just don't want to."_

"_I can't." And in her mind, she couldn't._

"_You can. You've overcome this. Food does not control you. Eating will not hurt you."_

"_Yes it will." That voice was back like a whisper in her ear telling her, "You can't eat that. You'll get fatter. No one will love you."_

"_No, it won't."_

"_Are you afraid that they are angry with you?"_

"_Why would they be angry?!" She snapped. "I didn't do anything to them!"_

"_You don't believe that hurting yourself hurt them too? That trying to take your life hurt them?"_

"_No." She faltered though. They've had that conversation before. She knew she hurt them. That was why she didn't want to see them. Sorry wasn't enough and she wasn't even sure she could offer them that. "I only hurt me; just me. And I deserved it." She said in almost a trance. "I deserved it."_

"_No Rachel, you didn't."_

"_I… I can't." Her breathing became rapid and shallow like her mind couldn't process what needed to be done and do it. She just struggled to catch her breath. "I can't do it… I… I can't…"_

"_In and out. In and out." Dr. Becks chanted like a mantra. "What can't you do Rachel?"_

"_I can't…"_

"_Can't what?" She asked again_

"_I can't see them! I can't! I… I can't… can't do it…" Her breaths became even more ragged as she struggled for air. The room felt oddly confining and her chest tight. Like a heart attack… that was what it felt like. _

_The doctor spoke to her in a docile tone, soothing as it was, it was nothing but a blur; her words lost upon the white noise in her mind. All she could hear was the mind clogging chatter of the voice in her head telling her everything she still believed to be true and just what she needed to hear to send her into a panic. "Rachel, use the tools." She barely made out, but the rest was lost. The tools didn't matter then. No amount of Zen breathing and whatnot was going to magically make her able to face them. She just couldn't do it. It just became even harder to breath. She swore she was going to pass out. Instead, she tried to fight it, tried to ease the ache. Her nails dug deep into her flesh, scratching and tearing and hoping for pain, but it didn't last long._

_When she felt arms around her, she panicked more. Dr. Becks told her about that. The touch "hugging" action suppresses the nervous system or something like that. But it just initiated her fight. She wiggled and squirmed and attempted to kick, but she didn't have much strength. Lack of oxygen did that. "She's hurting herself. Get the benzodiazepine." Becks ordered the nurse. "It's ok Rachel. You're ok." Maybe she was, but she sure didn't feel it. _

"We had to sedate her." The doctor told them a few short hours later as she stood there calmly waiting for their outbursts. She wasn't disappointed.

"You what?! Is she ok? What happened? Where is she?" Shelby asked.

All Casey said was, "Sedation?"

Dr. Becks sat them down and explained, "Rachel had a particularly nasty panic attack earlier."

"She has had those before. She didn't ever need to be sedated…" Shelby said.

"If you'll recall, there were a few instances during her time here where it was necessary to give her something to calm her. Today was another of those days. It's been a rough morning for her."

"Did something else happen?"

"Is she alright?"

"She refused to eat today." There was a collective sigh.

"I thought she was doing better. Not eating and panicking to the point of needing sedation doesn't seem better to me."

"Rachel has shown great improvement. But that doesn't mean she's healed. This is a process we've only just begun."

"But she's been eating right?" Shelby asked worriedly. They didn't spend months apart and spend all that money for no changes. If it helped even a little it would be worth it, no doubt, but if it wasn't helping… then what?

"Since the last incident where we implemented the feeding tube, yes, her eating has been better. She's slow to eat, but she does eat and we haven't caught her pulling any tricks."

"So what changed?"

"Yeah, why now?"

"We've discussed Rachel's treatment. Atop of her initial depression diagnosis, we determined she suffered from an anxiety disorder as well."

"We know." Shelby added eagerly. "But she's taking medication for that. She shouldn't need to be sedated too."

"Medication isn't a solve all. In fact, we like to teach other techniques to control the anxiety so she isn't dependent on the drugs."

"Well it's not working!"

Sighing, the doctor tried a different route. "She has triggers." She said. "When situations or possibilities become overwhelming or she's stressed and nervous, or even when her thoughts just become overpowering, it can become too much. Her body perceives it as an attack and she panics; thus a panic attack." The other women nodded in understanding, following Becks' words. "During our sessions, we've come up with healthy techniques to manage the anxiety."

"What kind of techniques?"

"We've worked through some breathing exercises, tried some guided meditation, and she has expressed her desire to continue with that and has taken to the practice of transcendental meditation I her own time."

"And this helps?"

"Yes, her anxiety has been better. That's not to say incidents like today haven't and won't happen. They will, but we've come up with the best treatment plan; found a medication she responds well too in a small dose and that combined with the tools she is learning will help her overcome these attacks once she leaves the facility."

"How can you say that when you had to sedate my daughter?!"

"We still have so much work to do, but she made such progress already. Today was a loss. She wasn't getting the oxygen she needed during the panic attack and she was hurting herself."

"Hurting herself how?" Their worried eyes were trained on the doctor. Despite her words, it didn't seem like their Rachel was getting any better.

"She's ok… just gave herself a few scratches that we've cleaned and bandaged after she was sedated."

"Now she's hurting herself again!" Shelby jumped from the chair and started pacing. The hope she was feeling wasn't really there any longer. She knew she shouldn't have come. She couldn't handle it. She wasn't enough to handle it. "That's not her getting better! She's supposed to be getting better!"

"Shelby…" Casey tried to call her attention. "It's not magic. It doesn't happen overnight. You know that."

"No! What I know is that my daughter hurt herself… again… when she's supposed to be in a safe, secure environment getting better, not having anxiety attacks and scratching herself until she bleeds." Tears were glistening in her eyes as she looked desperately to Becks. "She's supposed to be better."

"And she is Shelby." She said comfortingly. "Part of recovery is taking steps back and moving forward without being stuck in the perceived failure. This is where we are at. You'll see a change in her when you meet with her; not just a physical one."

"So when do we see her?" Casey asked, seeing the fire still in her sister's eyes.

"I feel it's best we wait until tomorrow. I'll have a session with her later tonight once the meds wear off and again in the morning while we have breakfast together, then after that we can all meet."

Hesitantly, knowing her sister had finally calmed a bit, Casey looked between the other women and debated whether or not to ask. Deciding she needed to, she spoke up, "This panic attack… was it… was it because we're here?"

"She's very nervous about seeing the two of you again, but that's true for most patients and their first family visit."

"We don't want to make things worse."

"We can't let the nerves and anxieties deter her. Once she's back in the outside world she's going to have to face her stressors and triggers on a daily basis. Shying away from this now would be counterproductive. There are things that need to be said and heard on both sides. This is a very important step in her recovery."

"Ok." They both reluctantly agreed. If that was what was best, they'd do it, they'd set their doubts and concerns aside and confront her, let her confront them… That was what they'd do…

The three continued to talk. They discussed all things Rachel; her progress her setbacks, her sessions and health… The sisters were relieved by some, worried about the rest. She was doing better. The numbers didn't lie. But she was struggling. That much was clear. Apparently, Rachel wasn't as engaged in group therapy as Becks would've liked and could've been more open in therapy, but she made great strides from where she was when treatment first started. There was a lot to process.

"So, now that we've covered that, I'd like to have a session with you before I go check in on Rachel. I planned to have a short one with you before we all got together. Now seems as good a time as any."

"Oh… uh… alright." Shelby agreed for them.

"While the process of recovery is hard on the patient, it is also hard on the parents and family."

"You can say that again." Shelby muttered.

"Knowing that, I like to have this get together before the first family session to see where you're at. We've talked a bit in the beginning, but that was then. Where are you now?"

Casey just looked to Shelby with narrowed eyes waiting for the answer. Her sister had been so up and down and after the way they left things in the car and even before they left, well, she wanted to know too. "I'm… I… I don't know. I just don't know"

"And that's ok. We're going to work through this too." She sat back in her chair and looked to Shelby. "Why don't you tell me how things are at home? How does it feel without Rachel there?"

Their session went on for another hour. They discussed the situation in great detail; both the Rachel situation and their own. They were honest. Things between them were tense and getting worse the less they spoke to each other. The blowout they just had didn't help matters either. Dr. Becks got them to talk to one another; expressed that they needed to be there for each other in order to be there for Rachel and that was enough to get them talking. They were resentful. They were bitter. Mostly, they were just sad.

They were sad Rachel was suffering. They were sad that their family was hurting. It was just hard, overall. Surely, no parent expects this to happen or for their life to unfold as theirs had. And if they did, she pitied them because anyone who foresaw such tragedy and chaos obviously didn't have the best life to begin with. But they weren't meant to live this life. They were all destined for greatness and they wouldn't get stuck in the rut they found themselves in. It was a road bump, a big one, but it wasn't a dead end. Just a pit stop…

"Go back to your hotel. Prepare yourselves for tomorrow. You haven't seen each other in some time. She's different. You're different, and the last encounter wasn't a pleasant one."

"You can say that again." Shelby huffed out.

"What I'm trying to say is that it's going to be an emotional day for all of you. It will be hard, but it will be helpful." They took a moment to let the words hit them.

"I just want her to be ok. We can get through anything; overcome everything, as long as she's ok and here for that to happen." Shelby said though she wasn't sure she saw that ending. She didn't know what the future held at the time.

But that was then. Rachel was in a different place now. She was doing well and days away from coming back home. That visit was hard though. And it got a whole lot worse before it got better.

That night, they heeded the shrink's advice and did just that. Heading back to the hotel, they spent a quiet night in their own heads. Few words were exchanged between the two as they went over Becks' words. Emotional, they understood. Hard and helpful; of that there was no doubt. But where they changed? How were they changed? Was it noticeable? Were they going to walk into that room and see a totally different girl; someone not their Rachel? Sometimes, they were unrecognizable to themselves. Would they be to Rachel too?

They honestly didn't know what to expect. They assumed Rachel would be… different, but they didn't have any clue as to how. Healed or broken, she was changed. They all were and it was time to start to know who they were becoming rather than focus on who they were in the past. Those people were gone and it was time to move away from them.

It was a heavy thing to face, but they were all doing it. They had to.

So, the next morning, after a brief session with Dr. Becks, the family was finally reunited. Dressed in sweats and arms crossed protectively around her body, Rachel was guided into the room. A quiet gasp left their mouths when they saw her and happy tears wet their eyes. Even so plainly dressed and make up free, they never saw a more perfect sight.

"Rachel, you look amazing; so much better." Shelby said genuinely as she approached her daughter. The girl looked better, not healed, but less unhealthy; less skeletal. But she didn't know what to do next. Did she hug her? Did she just stand there like an idiot like she was doing? What was she supposed to do? She never had the chance to figure it out though, as Rachel took a step away from her and glared.

"You mean I look fat?" That was how she felt. Fat, ugly…

"I didn't say that Rachel." Shelby didn't want their time together to be both of them constantly on the defensive.

"Whatever."

Not wanting that to set the tone for the rest of their time together, Shelby quickly tried to divert the conversation and took a seat on the couch. "How's everything going?"

"Fine." Rachel was quick to answer.

"And you like it here?" She gave a pointed look. Was she supposed to like it there?

"What do you think? I'm in a nut barn."

"It's not a nut barn Rachel." Casey interjected. She was going to just sit back and let mother and daughter have some time before she approached her niece, but things didn't seem to be working out for them. It's a facility that promotes healing and wellness."

"It's a nut house." Rachel repeated. She was intent on being heard and yet, said nothing she wanted to. The hard façade was up as she still shied away from them.

"It's not, but whatever. How are you doing here Rachel?" "It's fine. I'm fine. All is just fine and dandy."

"Ok, clearly you're upset."

"No!" She nearly yelled her shoulders tense and her eyes angry. But upon realizing her outburst, she tempered down and reiterated, "No, I'm not upset. I'm fine. This isn't paradise, but I'm fine. It's fine."

"We believe you." They told her though they weren't sure they did.

"Good." She knew it was a lie too.

"Rachel." Dr. Becks intervened. "Your family would like to discuss the situation with you."

"The situation? You mean they want to talk about shipping me off like yesterday's leftovers instead of dealing with me themselves?"

"That's not what we did Rachel."

"Let's be honest. That's exactly what happened."

"No it's not."

"Enough. This is family time. You haven't been able to see them and then you. Let's all try to remain civil."

"I'm being civil." Both Shelby and Rachel hissed simultaneously.

Smirking, Casey looked to the doctor and said, "They're being them." And for once, the bickering attitude was so nice to hear.

"Alright, well, let's get started. Rachel, why don't you tell your family how you've been doing here?"

"I've been fine." She stated plainly.

"Can you elaborate? Tell them about your days. Maybe you want to tell them about the music activities you've been taking part in?"

"You're in a music program Rachel?" Shelby perked up and asked her. "That's wonderful."

"Sure."

"Is there singing?" Rachel just looked off at nothing like the lost soul she felt like.

"Rachel hasn't given us the pleasure just yet, though we do hope to have the chance to hear her sometime." Dr. Becks mediated their conversation. "She's a natural with the piano though."

Shelby perked. "You're interested in the piano? I wish I'd have known. I would've gotten you lessons or… or taught you myself."

"Like you'd really want to." Rachel spoke quietly, but just loud enough to know her mark would be hit.

"That's not fair Rachel. I would've wanted to. I do."

"No you don't. But that's ok."

"Rachel…" That insolence and fight, though it was nice to see again, was not something Shelby really missed.

"You know…" Casey interrupted, always playing their peacekeeper. "We miss you back home. So do all your friends."

"Sure." Was her response. She doubted that very much.

"We do. We really do. Actually…" Reaching into her bag, Casey rummaged through a few things to find what she was looking for. "Since they're can't come up here to visit, some of your friends asked us to give you these." She pulled a small stack of envelopes from the purse. "That's ok right? That I give her these?" She asked the doctor, something she probably should've done earlier.

"Of course. It's nice that you're friends are thinking about you. Isn't it Rachel?"

"Whatever you say." She didn't know how to feel about the notes. As Casey handed them to her, she nonchalantly flipped through them. There were a lot there. Sure, most of them were probably generic one or two liners wishing her well, very sterile stuff, but some of them felt long, like the person really put some time into writing it. She couldn't imagine why, Why would anyone care about her now? After what she did and how she became…

"Be kind, these are your friends and they wanted to do something nice for you."

"No one ever wants to do anything nice for me, not unless they get something out of it." She told her.

"That's not true." Shelby insisted. She was trying to hold her tongue in order to have a nice visit, but her patience were wearing thin and maybe, just maybe, things needed to be said so they can move on. "You n it's not. They care about you. We all care about you."

"No they don't. None of you do."

"How can you say that?" She was genuinely in shock. How was it possible Rachel still didn't see how much everyone cared about her; how much she meant to them?

"How can I say that? Isn't it obvious? Look where I am Shelby. If you cared about me, I wouldn't be here shipped off for someone else to deal with. And friends… Those people…" She shook her head to clear her thoughts though it did no good. "They just found me convenient. They were nice when they needed me for something and then I was nothing to them."

"I know that's not true Rachel. And so do you."

"What about Noah and Kurt? Does that go for them too?"

No, of course not. She wasn't sure she meant half of what she was saying, but it was getting to Shelby and, for some reason, that was what she wanted. "Yes! I'm nothing to nobody unless they needed my voice for competition or a punching bag to throw slushies at."

"What about Quinn and Santana? Things have seemed better between all of you in the glee club."

"You mean Santana who calls me Midget and Treasure Trail and Quinn who…" She laughed a low maniacal laugh; not humorous at all. "Quinn who would throw me in front of a bus if she got the chance and who… whose perfect daughter lived and you took in and shoved me out of your life for… Beth who gave you everything you've ever wanted in a daughter so there was no need for me. Who would want me when they could have her?" She asked rhetorically.

"I love Beth, but I love you too Rachel. I want you…" Rachel cut her off. She didn't want to hear it,

"No Shelby. Just no…" If there was a safe exit, one that wasn't inevitably going to end with her running face first into the brick wall of watchmen ready to hold her back because they knew her to be a runner, she would've stormed off right then and there. Then again, it wasn't like she had anywhere to go. Sucking in a deep breath, it was then or not at all; time to just let it out. "You wanted that clichéd moment where we ran into each other's arms like we finally found what we were looking for all our lives. And what we had was awkward and unscripted. You didn't get that, you didn't get what you wanted, so you didn't want me. But what about me? What about what I wanted? What about what I needed? Maybe I just wanted someone to hug me and tell me it was all going to be ok…" Her chest felt tight. "Why couldn't you do that for me? Why couldn't you want me like a mother should?"

"Rachel… I…" …don't know what to say.

"Save it Shelby." She shook angrily. "You never wanted me. You just got stuck with me so you accepted me, but let's face it. You didn't want me, I wasn't huggable and adorable and perfect like my replacement and why have second best when you have first, so the first chance you got to ship me off, you locked me up in here." Looking her dead in the eyes, Rachel continued. "You got rid of me. Congratulations. I don't know why you even bothered saving me. If I was dead right now, if you let me die, this would all be over. You would be happy and free and I wouldn't…" Smack.

Almost, no most definitely, imagining it was her open palm meeting Rachel's still frail looking face, Shelby stood, slamming her hand flat against the table as hard as she could so the sound practically echoed in the scarcely decorated room. "That is enough!" She yelled, all the other occupants stunned to silence. Dr. Becks has seen many things in her time, but a story like theirs was a first. She knew there's be fireworks, but she was hoping it would go well for them. But, she also knew, getting all of their repressed feelings and thoughts out was important for the process; the confrontation and facing the reality of the situation. It was necessary to know all sides of the story to understand and heal. So, when Shelby grabbed Rachel's face to get the girl to look at her, she did nothing to stop it, and when Casey made a move to mediate, Becks quietly told her to let it happen. It needed to happen. "You look at me Rachel and you listen to what I have to say." She told her daughter. "God Rachel! I don't know why you're trying to hurt me, but you're succeeding. Maybe I haven't been the best mother. I'll admit that. Neither of us knew how to act and I certainly could've been better, but Rachel," the tears were gathering in the duct, "I love you. I want you. From the moment I knew you were inside of me I wanted you. I tried… I tried so hard not to… I couldn't want you. They were going to take me from you the moment you were born… But it was impossible. It was impossible not to love you and want to keep you with me for all of eternity." The water works going, Shelby released Rachel's face, her hands falling at her sides as she let out a sad laugh. "I couldn't let myself look as the tech did my ultrasounds because I knew I couldn't get attached… But I did look." Mimicking the actions se was describing she said, "I always looked away… always, but when your fathers were cooing over this or that, I'd put my hands over my eyes and peek through the separation of my fingers daring myself to look at the screen and stay strong. Your fathers didn't want me to have any of the printouts. They were afraid I'd get too attached, but it was too late. I didn't need a picture of you to know you were there. I felt you. We shared blood. What ran through your veins ran through mine. The doctor was kind enough to slip me one after every visit anyway. After you were born, I kept them with me. I looked at them when I was sad and when I was happy or when I needed to make a tough decision. 'Would this make her proud of mama?' I'd ask myself and I knew the choices I made I made knowing that one day you'd know of them and hope they would make you think I was someone to look up too." She reached into her purse and pulled out her wallet. Opening it, she handed something to Rachel. "I still have that one. I still carry it with me to feel close to you." Rachel looked to her hands where a wrinkled and worn ultrasound photo of her not long before she was born lay. "I made mistakes and the way we met again wasn't how I wanted it to be. No. I was still expecting that baby I never got to hold, but you were a teenage girl. I hurt you, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry; more than words can express. But you don't think you've hurt me too? You do everything you can to push my buttons. But I can get over that. I don't understand how you think taking your life wouldn't hurt me. I had to see you Rachel… lying there on that floor surrounded by blood… your blood… your lifeline… there was just so much blood and I thought you were gone. That was the second time I saw you lying on a floor unconscious and I had to feel my stomach fall and my heart stop beating because I didn't know if yours was. I could've lost you Rachel. Do you understand that? I almost lost my baby. My little girl was almost taken from me and she would've been the one to do it. I don't want to lose you. I want you to get better. I want you to come home. I want you. I want us to get that second chance. I want us to get it right." She collapsed into a seat next to Rachel and took her daughter's limp hands in her own squeezing them tight. "You tried to kill yourself… You tried to kill yourself…" She repeated. "And I knew I was part of the reason." A sob emanated. "I'm broken, but I can be fixed because I know you're still here. If my baby was gone… If I had to bury you… they'd have to bury me too because I wouldn't survive." Squeezing once more, Shelby held her daughter's watery stare and said, "I love you Rachel. You are loved and you are wanted. Things are hard and our relationship is strained, and I am so, so angry with you for what you've done to yourself… for trying to take my daughter from me… but the fact remains. Angry or not, I will always want you. And this," she picked up the picture, "this may have been enough to get me through the years, but I've had the real thing. I had you. And this isn't enough for me anymore. I need you. I want you. I want us to be a family. Most importantly, I want you safe and happy whether it's here or at home, or wherever it may be."

Rachel was holding it all back as best she could. "I will not cry. I will not cry. She doesn't mean it. I won't cry." She recited in her head.

"I could never let you go. I could never sit back and watch you die. You can't leave me. I can't lose my baby any more than I already have. I can't lose you. I wouldn't be free, I'd be lost and broken." She shook Rachel. "Do you hear me? Are you listening? I can't lose you!"

There was a long moment of silence among them. Becks wanted to see how it played out and let them work through this without her interference and Casey was a pile of tears. "I…" Rachel broke the spell that seemed to be on them. "I didn't mean to hurt you… I didn't think I was…"

"But you did." Shelby told her as she pushed some of the stray hairs from Rachel's face. "I've never felt more pain than I did that day Rachel. The things you said to me… I don't know I'll ever be able to erase that feeling. By hurting yourself and by attempting," clearing her throat to try to get the word out again, "by attempting suicide you hurt me. You hurt your aunt Casey and your sister and all the friends you didn't realize you had. We all love you Rachel. We love you so much. I wish you could see that."

"But I don't." Rachel answered almost angrily as she moved away from her mother thus effectively ruining all the others' belief that their words, rather Shelby's words, were getting through to her. "I don't see it. You say you love me and you want me, but you don't. No one does. And why would they? I'm broken and crazy and all I do is ruin things for people." She paced. "People only want the ideal; the perfect Rachel they think I am. I be me and no one's happy. I be who people want me to be and no one wants me. I can't win. I can't… I just… This isn't what I want. Do you really think I want to be here? That I want to live my life like this fearing every bite of food will cost me more than you can ever think of?" She was getting louder. "I don't! I just want to be happy too! But I'm not! I'm not happy! I'll never be happy. And no one will ever want me. I don't want this! I don't want to feel like this! I just want it to stop!" She screamed.

Casey intervened this time, marching up to Rachel and wrapping her arms around the girl. She tried to fight the embrace and push her aunt away, but Casey wouldn't allow it. "We love you." Casey whispered into her ear. "We want you. So many people would be lost without you. And maybe you can't see it now, but this isn't the way things will be forever. These feelings you're feeling, they're just moments that will pass. Put you have the rest of your life to live. And you can do it happily and free from all the burdens. We don't want you to be perfect. No one's perfect. All we want is for you to be healthy and safe and to stop hurting yourself. You're getting there. I know you are. It will stop Rachel, but you have to let it stop."

Now sunken into the hold, Rachel's face was pressed deep into Casey's chest as she mumbled out her words, "I don't know how to do it. Anything… Nothing feels like it's going to be ok. I'm not ok. I don't know how to be ok."

"We'll figure it out." Her hand ran through her niece's hair. "Together. You just have to try."

"I am trying…" Her voice cracked. "I am. I'm just not good enough. I don't know that I can."

"You are so much more than the person you see yourself as… So much more." Rachel broke then. The tears were flowing as her hands fisted the material of Casey's shirt in her death grip. "Shh. It's ok. You're going to be alright. We all are. Just let it out. Let it all out."

It took a while to calm her again. Once the tears started, she feared they'd never stop again. And they really didn't, not then anyway. When Becks saw how exhausted Rachel had become from all the emotional work, she asked that they cut the day short. The important thing was that there was progress made. Rachel heard them. They got to say some of what they needed and so did she. And Shelby was thrilled that Rachel let her hold her, let both of them hold her and comfort her. Though she was sure she was reading more into it than it was, for the moment, they felt like the family hey should've been all along. She got to be the mom and hug her daughter and wipe the tears from her big brown eyes as she told her all would be ok in the end.

Things didn't feel normal in the normal sense. It wasn't anyone else's normal, but it felt as close to it as they've ever truly been. The only time it was real anyway. So, they soothed Rachel as Becks observed and they did their best to make her feel their love. That was all they could do and the only thing they could dream of doing right then. No, they didn't get to talk about as much as they probably should've, but what they had was better. They finally felt that they were getting real Rachel back; there was a chance she'd come home to them; that they'd have her instead of the disease. And God… It was like a weight they didn't know they were carrying had suddenly been lifted.

When they went back to the hotel that evening, again, they didn't talk much. But, this time, it was because they didn't have to. They didn't have to talk to know they were both feeling the same way. And they were both drained. Shelby was happy yes, they both were, but they were still hurting too. As was Rachel. It wasn't magically fixed with a few tears in a rehab setting. But it was something and they'd take it. After partaking in a quiet meal, the sisters shared a smile, which said more than any words could, before Casey went to call Mark and Shelby her mother so she could talk with Beth and then they went to bed.

They returned the center nice and early the next morning, just in time to catch the tail end of meal time. While they didn't allow visitors into the private eating area for the patients, Dr. Becks assured them as they walked past the entrance for it, that Rachel was in there and eating right then. They understood that was what was happening, but they had a hard time picturing it. And, even more so, they had a hard time believing Rachel wasn't putting up the biggest fit she could. It was a had to see it to believe it thing, but they wouldn't be witnessing it just yet.

"She has done well for the most part." Dr. Becks told them. "Besides yesterday's issues, she has been fairly uncombative t meal times. Sometimes she'll make a fuss, but she has had some days were she encouraged some of the newer girls to eat. Granted, it was her telling them it was just easier to do what we said or they'd get the tube, but I believe a part of her meant it to help them as well as herself."

They were surprised by that, especially given the details about the previous day's episode, but they were happy to hear it.

"I sat with her this morning so we could talk a little about yesterday. Normally, I do that after the first family confrontation, but she was asleep when I went to get her and I wanted to let her rest. I feared she'd put up another fight about breakfast this morning, so I pulled her aside to try and facilitate a calm easy meal. But she was very pleasant and began to eat without any encouragement."

The update thrilled them and when they saw her again, they felt even better. They were greeted by a shy barely there smile, but a smile nonetheless. It warmed their hearts to see since they hadn't been on the receiving end of one of those in such a long time and those they saw, they realized, were mostly for show. This one was real and they felt that. Rachel felt that too.

After yesterday's battle of the wills or whatever it should be called, Rachel didn't know how to be around them. She never was a fan of showing her emotions with them; not the real emotions. A temper was fine. She had a diva reputation to protect, but she broke down. She very literally, crumbled before them. So she was a bit shy when she met up with them then, but she still felt a sense of relief and happiness when she saw them. They came back. Not only did they actually show in the first place, but even after her meltdown and knowing just how messed up she was, they decided to come back. The fear was still there, but, at least temporarily, it was eased.

Eased or not, she didn't want to get too attached still. Everyone always seemed to leave her and feeling comfortable just made the hurt worse when they did. So, she kept some distance between them both physically and emotionally. Instead of sitting beside them, she took the solo seat to the side just far enough away to have space but not far enough to be awkward.

They didn't attempt to hug her. It might set her off or have her push them away and why risk it? As much as they wanted to feel that comfort, to hold her in their arms again and know they were soothing her, it was a stretch to think she'd welcome it so readily. But soon, they hoped, it would be a regular occurrence. One day…

Getting down to the knitty gritty of it all, the group dove into discussion. Most of it was led by Becks and Rachel didn't want to be as open as she should've been, but they were all trying. They had some good talks and even learned a few things. They got a little more of the burden off of their hearts and that was all they really needed from that time; a little peace and hope and knowledge that they did the right thing. They got that and more.

Come the end of their time together, the time the sisters had to start heading back home, and they were in a much better place. They talked about things that needed talking about. They communicated in ways they haven't been able to before. They were more open and free with each other. There was real progress. And they knew that for sure when they were saying goodbye.

"Here Rachel." Casey handed Rachel the letters from her friends. "You left these the other day and I thought you might want them. You should read them. Maybe you can write back to them."

"Thanks."

"Bye Rachel. I love you and we'll come see you again soon."

"Ok. Bye Shelby. Bye Casey." She still kept her distance from them, afraid to let them in past the point they already were.

"Bye Rachel. Love you." Casey said and then the two began their way out.

"Wait!" Rachel called to them and they immediately turned around. The girl ran over to them and, without really thinking, just doing, wrapped them in a group hug. Nestled between them, one arm wrapped around each of them, she said, "I know I hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"We know you are. And what you did is not ok. We can never say it was ok because taking your life and losing you; those things are not ok. But as long as you try to get better, we can forgive you."

"Ok." She pulled away. "You should go. Thank you for coming to see me." She was polite, though defensively pulling back from them again.

"Goodbye." They both said one last time, reluctantly leaving her behind.

The sisters left the room to go to another. And once Rachel was escorted back to her room and they had another chat with the therapist. It was, though they did it halfheartedly, time to go back to Lima.

There were many ups and downs after that. So much work needed to be done, but they were willing to make the effort. She was worth it. Saving their family was worth it. And Rachel was trying, overcoming hurdle after hurdle and making it to the finish line; the first of many.

And now they were where they were. They finished clearing her room of all triggers and reminders that they could. They were armed with all the knowledge they could be given and they were ready to try this out. It might be rough at first. There'd be some acclimating to do and adjusting to the new reality. It would be a guessing game full of trial and error, but they were all game to play.

Thinking about the past few months, Casey sank back into her seat and remembered when she was given Rachel's 'goodbye' letter. Shelby was so distraught with Rachel in the hospital and so busy trying to get the last minute details of the rehab stint finalized, that she asked Casey to pack some of Rachel's things. Honestly, Casey felt Shelby was avoiding Rachel's room. She couldn't go back in there. And Casey couldn't blame her. The sight was… gruesome. At first it seemed so normal; just a teenager's room. But one step toward the bathroom and you'd think a murder happened there. The dried blood was caked on the hard floor. Remnants of the paramedics' supplies scattered about aimlessly. It was… traumatizing. And that was just the after. She couldn't imagine, nor did she want to, what Shelby witnessed.

Just the memory of that alone was enough to give her stomach anxious, uneasy flutters. She spent that whole day cleaning up the mess because she couldn't allow her sister or her nieces, Rachel eventually, to see that. No one needed to see that. She would unsee it if she could. And once that was done, to the best of her ability without any more powerful cleaning supplies, she did what she set out to do and packed Rachel a small bag that included everything on the list she was provided. Only certain things were allowed there and she had to follow the guidelines.

In the midst of her search, she found a piece of paper forgotten on the floor; Rachel's I'm sorry. When she returned to the hospital, though she did so very reluctantly, she asked her sister about it. "Did she leave a note?" She wanted to broach the subject as tactfully as possible, but, really, there was no way to do that given the subject matter. But, she felt, she needed to know.

"What?"

"Did she… was there… Did she leave a suicide note?"

Shelby looked appalled, but after a moment of silence and a slack jawed, tense shouldered stare at her sister, Shelby's body relaxed. "There… I went back home the other day and… there was a letter with the mail pile… an envelope postmarked from New York." Her eyes welled. Everything was just so emotionally draining for them. "It was from Rachel."

"Oh Shelby I'm…" Casey went to hug her sister, but was pushed away and interrupted.

"No, don't. Just let me…" She shook. "You need to hear this and if you hug me, I won't be able to keep it together long enough to say it."

"Ok."

"I uh… I opened it. I didn't know who it was from then; not for sure. But when I did… I wished I didn't." She sighed heavily. "Inside were smaller envelopes with our names on it." She explained.

"Our?"

"Yes…" She answered quietly. "I… I wasn't sure what to do with it… with yours. Did I give it to you? Did I… I don't know… So I…" She moved to find her bag and looked for the piece of mail she needed. "This one's yours." She handed it to Casey. "I… I didn't read it. I wasn't sure I could give it to you or what to do with it… It's… It's a goodbye letter Case. What was I supposed to do with that? My baby was saying goodbye forever…" She broke down. "Oh God…"

"It's ok Shelby." Casey assured her. "Rachel's still here, she's getting help, and we're not letting her go anywhere. No goodbyes…"

After calming her sister as best she could, Casey excused herself. Finding and empty hospital room, she locked herself in, pulled the letter out and began reading.

_Dear Casey,_

_Aunt Casey… I never really called you that. I don't know why. It has a nice feel to it, but Casey felt more personal. I never really had an aunt and I didn't know what that really meant until you. But I never really had a mother either. And don't tell Shelby this, but you kind of were the first mother I ever had. She was there first, but you were there always. You tried even when you barely knew me. I don't understand why, but maybe I'm not supposed to. _

_It all makes sense you know… I went from having two dads to having two moms. You were more than just my aunt. You meant more to me than that. I just… I just want to be sure you know that. And know that you did all you could; more than I ever expected you to or ever could've hoped for. I think I found a little piece of home with you that I didn't know could exist. It was different and new and I liked it probably more than I fought it. You really did everything you could for me. It just wasn't enough. _

_None of this was your fault. I need you to know that. With all my heart, I know you did all you could for me, but you aren't magic and I'm way too broken to ever be fixed. My problems started long before I met you. Believe it or not, you helped. Even when you weren't trying, you helped._

_I need you to promise me something. I need you to look after Shelby, which I'm sure you would've done anyway. But really take care of her. I don't know if that's a lot to ask. She's kind of a handful. I guess I get that from her, and maybe a little from you too, but she's definitely a drama queen. I don't know how she'll be, but she might be upset for a little while. Don't let her stay that way for long. And you can't either. _

_I'm not afraid for this. I'm ready. I'm not scared to say goodbye and face my death. But, I realize you and Shelby might not be ready. You might be afraid. But don't be afraid for me. I'll be ok now. Maybe I'll even be happy. But I can only be if I know you're looking out for her and her for you. It's important that you're there for each other. That's what sisters are supposed to do._

_Guess I failed at that job too. But, Beth's better off without me I think. No one wants her to turn out like me right? No one wants to be like me. No one even likes me… except…. Maybe you? I think you do. You made it seem like you do. And well, I hope you did. I don't know whether it's true, but I'm choosing to believe, in my final breathes, that you really did like me. You were practically forced to love me. That's how family's supposed to work, but liking someone, that's a choice. _

_Maybe. I don't know. What I'm sure of, though, is that you gave me comfort without trying and gave me some of the few moments of actual peace that I've experienced lately. _

_Thank you for not asking questions that day. Well, more questions. Sorry you'll never get a chance to know the answers. _

_Love, _

_Rachel_

It was the hardest thing she ever had to read, but she got through it, just like they would the entire situation. Sure, she was a little worse for wear and shed more tears than she knew she even had, but they'd get through it. One thing was for sure though. Rachel's words would stay with them forever. Those were her parting words. Those were what she wanted them to know and hold onto as she left them. They were impossible to forget. And she never would.

Remembering them and where they were, Casey smiled, inhaling a healthy dose of fresh air as they arrived at the treatment center. Rachel was wrong. She wasn't broken. She was fixable and loved and they were going to be a real family. The smile brightened. Rachel was coming home. And they all felt a little more whole because of it.

May the next step begin. They could overcome anything together. Good and bad would be met with a family that was ready to fight all. They were ready. Rachel was coming home!

Ok, so I decided not to write personalized individual responses because, when it all boils down to it, they'll all say the same thing. They would all say just how sorry I am for the delay and that I wish I did it sooner, but I appreciate the words of encouragement (from some of you) and I hear the urging from the rest. I'll continue to try and do better with that, but I can't make promises of when.

Story is almost finished… We're almost there… Hang in there a little longer if you want to see it through with me. I'm not giving up, as slow as I may be and as unpredictable as my updating has become, this will be finished. That is a promise.

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…


	41. This is Home

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

**So you hate me right? Yeah, I hate me too. I finally realized just how long it has been, hated myself for making you all wait, sat done and just wrote the last half of this chapter today. Don't worry. You all don't have to deal with my inconsistent horrible updating abilities much longer. We're reaching an end soon. Which is sad, but also good. **

**Like last time, ignore any spelling/grammar errors. I kept you waiting long enough and since I don't have the time to read, reread, and read again, to edit it properly tonight, I figured I'd put it up as is and deal with that when I didn't have a long list of things to do.**

**Chapter 41: This is Home **

"You're ready for this Rachel. You're going to be just fine."

"Yeah?" She asked nervously, pulling at the ends of the oversized sweater that hung from her body.

"Yes." Dr. Becks smiled and laid a comforting hand on the girl's shoulder. "You have the tools, use them. And you have my number if you need it. I'll be in contact with your new therapist. I think you'll do really well with her."

"She wasn't too bad." Rachel admitted.

"I'm sure she'd be glad to hear that." An orderly walked up and interrupted the talk whispering into the doctor's ear. They were there. "Listen Rachel, things can be difficult when you're out of here. You're going to be exposed to triggers and be tempted to fall back into old ways, but don't forget all that you've learned and accomplished. You can make it through."

"I don't know…" She said shyly. "What if…" She couldn't get the thought out. She knew she was leaving and she wanted to leave, more than anything, but it was safe there. In those walls, though sometimes she felt trapped, she knew she couldn't be tempted. There were no serious, constant triggers, no bullies, well none like at McKinley, and the people were… understanding. And she was leaving the warm nest that cocooned her to run out and face a group of people she hurt. She didn't feel good about that.

"There are a lot of what ifs Rachel. So many things can happen that we as people have little to no control over." She whimpered. That was the problem. "But we can't live in fear of the things we can't control. All we can do is face what comes as they come and take it one day at a time. You are stronger than you know and you are capable of so much more than you know. Have some faith in yourself. Just remember what you learned and you'll be ok."

"Ok…" Did she believe her? A little… maybe… And not at all too. She had to question whether there would always be such a battle within her body. Would there always be that self-doubt behind every thought and that voice in her head telling her everything she didn't want or need to hear? She hated that voice, but it was the most powerful voice she ever heard. She was taught ways to deal with it; give it the cold shoulder, but she still heard it. It was always there casting aspersions on her life and her choices. Thinking about it made her want to just… No! No, she couldn't think like that.

"Rachel, your family is here. Are you ready?"

Was she? "Yes." She hoped so anyway. It didn't appear she really had a choice. She had to be ready. It was time. She went through months of a different kind of emotional rollercoaster to face this moment and the real world, the unsafe trigger filled world, awaited her. She couldn't avoid that any longer.

"I think so too." The doctor put a kind hand on her shoulder and escorted her to the main guest lounge. This was it. Months of intense therapy and learning and growth led to this moment which would then lead to another and another. "Come on. They'll be in here any moment."

She looked scared and nervous, still the timid girl she came in as though much more her old self. "Can I… Can I just have a minute? Alone… before they come."

Dr. Becks looked at her and nodded. "Sure Rachel. I'll go greet them. You wait here."

"Really? I can just be here by myself?" She wasn't used to that. There was always someone somewhere watching over her.

"Yes, you can. You're not going to do anything right?"

"No I… I just need a minute."

"Then you'll get it. And I know you'll be right here when we get back."

Thank you." She whispered. Dr. Becks just bobbed her head and went to meet the family just outside those doors. Rachel was left standing there collecting her breathe as she took it all in. Home… She was finally going home. That's what she knew it was now, or what she wanted it to be. Home.

"Breathe Rachel. Just breathe." She said aloud. She could do it. She hoped. There was a lot of hoping going on. "I've got this." Should it be that intimidating to just go home?

Outside, Becks was greeting Shelby and Casey. "Rachel's just in there. She's a bit nervous, but that's not unusual for patients here."

"This is really happening though right?" Shelby questioned, her sister's hand squeezing hers. "She's really coming home?"

"Yes, she is. There are just a few things I'd like to discuss with you before we go in and get her."

"Is something wrong?" She was quick to jump. Nothing could be wrong…. They waited and waited and time ad finally come. There could be no more waiting unless she wanted to reach insanity.

"No. Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to go over a few things. So you're aware this isn't a miracle program. There is no cure for eating disorders and no way to just magically make it o away."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that she's in recovery, but the journey doesn't end here."

"You don't think she'll be alright?"

"We've given her all the tools and she has done so well, but I can't predict the future. No one can. She's going to be facing triggers and it's not going to be as simple as it was in here. The beginning, I find, is always the hardest for them. There is always the possibility of relapse, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Be aware of any warning signs, but don't hover over her or go analyzing every little thing. She's prepared and she knows you're both here for her for support. I've given her my contact information and I have a copy for you, as well. She should continue with her therapies back in Lima like we've set up. Now we just have to give her a chance."

"We're going to get our Rachel back." Shelby said to her sister, Casey once again squeezing her hand.

"And the medications?" Casey asked, always the practical one.

"We're going to keep her on them for now and see how she does. It can be reevaluated later with her new doctor. For now, keep the same schedule. I've written it all down." She handed them a manila folder. "In there are my contacts, prescriptions to get filled, directions for use, and anything you might need in that regard."

"Thank you."

"Want to go see her now?"

"Yes please." The sisters both said with a smile lighting up their faces.

"She's right through here."

As they walked through the doors, they saw Rachel standing there, back to them, staring out the window toward the big bad world. They wanted, more than anything, to just run up to her and squeeze her so hard. But, they've learned, they had to go at her pace. And though she had been more physical with them, she had to be the one to initiate it for the most part. Therapy was working well for them too. It helped them earn to be a better support system and understand things a little better.

"Rachel." Becks called out. "Rachel, your family's here."

Nervous beyond belief, Rachel steeled herself, taking a very deep breath and pulling away from the window. With a smile on her face, she turned toward them and shyly spoke, "Hi." That was all she seemed to manage as her heart seemed to thump rapidly in her chest.

"Hi Rachel." They both greeted, tentatively moving closer until Casey put a gentle hand on the girl's shoulder.

"Ready to get out of here?"

"More than ready." She stated, and actually felt it true. She was nervous and wasn't absolutely sure she could handle it, but she wanted to try finally finding home.

"Then let's go."

"Ok." There was that smile again; one they didn't ever see before. Small and meek as it was, it was so different from any other she gave before. It was true. It was real. It was… It was Rachel. Genuine Rachel…

"You coming?" Shelby asked as she started for the exit.

"Just… Just… One second." She stuttered.

"Ok." Both she and Case stopped and watched as Rachel walked over to the doctor.

"Thank you." She whispered to the woman.

"You're very welcome Rachel." Becks responded and pulled the girl into a hug. "Remember what you learned. You got this."

"I got this…" It wasn't confident, but it wasn't weak either.

"Goodbye Rachel."

"Bye Dr. Becks."

Watching her patient go, the good doctor was hopeful for the family and for the girl. Like with all her patients, she wanted her to do well, wished for it, and knew that she could. Only time would tell, but she was pulling for them.

"We missed you so much Rachel." They both told her as they made it to the car.

Feeling the weight of their attention and continued praise about how "healthy" she looked, Rachel tried changing the subject. "Where's Beth?" She asked.

"She's with your grandparents."

"Probably on their way to the house now."

"They're… they're coming over?" Now? Today? While she was coming home?

"They should be there by the time we arrive."

"Are you ok with that?"

"I…" Did she have a choice? She couldn't hide forever could she? Though she entertained the thought. "I guess so."

Sensing her hesitation, Shelby turned in the passenger's seat toward the center console to face her daughter. "If you're not, that's ok. You can see them a different day. They're going to be staying at Casey's for a while anyway."

"Super fun for me by the way." Casey added sarcastically.

Rachel ignored it and just took a minute to process. Maybe… maybe this was something she needed to do… face them like she faced Shelby and Casey. They deserved the same chance to tell her what a horrible person she'd been to them… or whatever else they wanted to say. And… she'd have to face them eventually. Stalling would just make it harder. _You can't ignore your problems Rachel. Look at a situation in full, come up with a plan, and face it head on. _She heard Dr. Beck's say in her head. "No… it's… It's ok. I… want to see them…"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Or she wasn't, but she didn't want to change her mind either, so she had to commit to it then and there.

"Ok." Shelby responded slightly skeptically. "Let's get you home then."

It was then, Rachel realized, truly, that she was going_ home_. She wasn't going to Shelby's house or Beth's house, she was going to their home. At least, that was what she wanted it to be. It was what she was going to work on making it. It would take some getting used to and her mind would have to really adjust and knock down some more of those walls, but she hoped she could get there. She had to.

When they started into Lima, Rachel could feel the anxious fluttering already going strong. Her hands were unconsciously running against the raised edges of the skin on her wrists. All the thoughts she was taught to ignore were suddenly there in full force. She just knew they were going to look at her differently. She looked at herself differently, so how could they not?

As each house passed by and they moved closer to their destination, she became more and more entranced with her scars. She was trying to be the new her… That was the old her. But changing and being "better" didn't erase the past. Events happened. She did that to herself and there was a permanent reminder of it. She just wished it wasn't there… If she could go back in time… Which point would she go to?

"Rachel?"

"Hmm." She finally looked up. They were parked outside the house, car off, and her family out of the car. How long had they been there? "What?"

"We're here… Do you need a minute?" Shelby asked. And Rachel could clearly see the concern on both the older women's faces.

She shook her head. If she took a minute it would turn to two and then three and then four and then she'd never go in. "No… I… I'm ok."

"Alright." She looked to Casey for guidance.

"Rachel, honey, we'll grab your bags. Come in when you feel up for it ok?"

"I'm coming." She didn't move. She had to move…

Casey walked over and opened the car door. "Would you like me to wait with you?" Looking nowhere but her lap, she sheepishly nodded. It was foolish, but she needed that comfort. "Scoot over." Rachel barely registered what her aunt said through the thought haze, but she moved over just enough for Casey to fit. Once sitting beside her, Casey took Rachel's hand in hers and said, "Take your time. No hurry ok?"

As if in a scene separate the one she was starring in, Rachel heard the ambient noise. She heard Casey shoo Shelby away and tell her to get the bags and deal with their parents. "She's fine." Casey said. "Nothing to worry about." Obviously they were talking about her. She figured she'd have to get used to that; the talk. People were going to talk about her. It was a fact… One she hated but knew she had no control over. "Just breathe honey. It'll be ok. We're all family." Rachel hadn't realized that she was starting to panic, but listening to Casey's voice helped soothe her. They were family… It wouldn't be so bad…

"We should go inside." Rachel finally spoke. "They don't need any more reason to think I'm a freak."

"Rachel… no one thinks…"

"Let's just go." She didn't want to hear Casey tell her it wasn't true. Then she'd be lying and Rachel couldn't handle that.

"Ok." Casey held out a hand after sliding out of the car which Rachel gladly took. She could do it. She repeated it in her mind. She could, they were family and they loved her… She hoped that meant it wouldn't go nearly as bad or awkwardly as she anticipated.

Each step agonizingly slow, Rachel finally stopped them at the door. "It's just Grandpa and Grandma, right?"

"Right. Danny had to fly back for the semester but said he's going to take you to that music shop once he comes back for vacation. And Mark says he's happy you're home and would like to spend time with you too, but he didn't want to crowd you." Small favors, she thought.

"Tell him I'd like that. Both of them."

"I will, but we should really get inside now. I promise, it will be ok. The love you just like we do ad if you need out of there for any reason, you come find me and I'll help you escape."

"Ok." She laughed.

"Oh honey… It's so nice to see you laugh. I'm so happy to have you home." Casey said. "Let's go. You got this."

When they walked in, they could hear the whispers of talking coming from the other room. Rachel was clearly still nervous, but Casey offered her the comfort she needed. "You need out, just look in my direction and I'll create a distraction. I think I have some matches hidden. A small fire should do the trick."

"Casey! That's not at all acceptable." She laughed again before becoming serious. "Thank you."

"Rachel, is that you?"

"Looks like we're caught."

"Yeah Grandma, it's me. I'll be right there."

"Mama! Mama that Rachel."

"Is that Beth?" Rachel asked Casey.

"Yeah."

"She sounds… She sounds so much older." Her voice was sad. She missed so much.

"The thing about children," she started, moving wisps of hair from Rachel's face, "is they grow up pretty fast. You blink and you miss it all."

"How does she even remember who I am?"

"Oh Hon. You're her sister. Every single time she walked by your room she made a point of saying 'Rachel room.' And then she'd ask if you were coming home."

"It just…"

"What is it?"

"It's nothing." Though the tear in her eye said otherwise. "We should go in there before we have a family reunion in the foyer. It might get a little claustrophobic."

The first person to greet her was Beth. The toddler ran to her, steady on her feet, and practically jumped into her arms. Rachel embraced it. This was her sister, she was the big sister and it was time she started to be one. "Hi Beth. I missed you."

"Beth miss Rachel."

"You did?" The girl nodded. "Well…" She made a point to avoid the gazes that were clearly on her. "I'm home now… I'm home."

"Rachel home!"

"Yes she is." They could all agree and be happy about that.

Her grandparents didn't want to let her out of their sight. No one did. They all just wanted to keep her as close by as they could. Maggie and Pete kept telling her how good she looked and how proud they were of her. It made her a little uncomfortable and her first instinct was to run, but she knew she couldn't. She had to be strong and face it. She had to be… Rachel. Figuring out who that was would be a process. But the Rachel she always knew loved the attention. One day, she'd love that again too.

"Did you have a good time sweetheart?"

"Maggie?! The girl wasn't on vacation." Pete scolded then looked to Rachel. "Don't mind her dear. She just wants to know how you're feeling."

"Oh… um… good? I feel good. I'm… I'm happy to be home. I'm happy to see all of you again and to just… just be here."

"We're happy for all of that too."

Without warning, Maggie just wrapped her arms around Rachel and squeezed her tight. "You scared the pants off of us sweetheart, nearly drove me to drink. Please, please don't leave us again."

"I… I'll do my best…"

"Can I join in?" Pete asked them.

"Sure Grandpa. Give us a hug."

They stayed in the living room catching up for a long while, but it was getting late. Beth was down for the count early and it was really time to eat. Shelby was putting it off, terrified to start in on food, but there was no more avoiding it. "Are we ready for this?" Shelby stood, back to her sister, arms resting on the counter as her back slouched. "Can we handle this? I mean, I feel anxious about food now. I can't imagine what she's feeling."

"Shelby, remember what the therapist said? We have to just do things like we normally would."

"But what's normal? There's no baseline here. Normal consists of fights and bickering and food being hidden in pockets or spit into napkins when I wasn't looking. That's all I've ever really seen. That's my normal. And I can't help but expect now to be the same."

"Look at me Shelby. Please." Her sister turned to face her. "I can't promise you she won't relapse. I can't promise you that this isn't all an act…"

"This isn't helping Casey."

"… But I can tell you that this feels different. She feels genuine and she is making an effort. We have to do the same. We have to give her support and offer her some sense of faith so that she has the strength to show us what normal is. We're going to keep an eye on her. That's a given, but we can't go into this thinking she's going to fail. If we do, we've already lost her and we're just wasting time until she's gone for good."

"I… I just…" She was a bit dumbfounded. Her sister was right, she supposed. "I am just so happy she's here and healthier and all I could think about was getting her home… Even with the therapy, I haven't really given much thought to what it would be like to have her back. How I would be…"

"It's a learning process Shel. We'll figure it out as we go. Trial and error."

"I'm terrified of the error."

"Me too. But if we only focus on that possibility, we miss all the good. She's home. She's safe. Let's do what we can to make it stay that way."

"You're right."

"Music to my ears."

"Shut up." Shelby threw a dish towel at Casey, then leaned against the counter. "They gave us a meal plan for her to follow at first to make the transition easier."

"That's good. Did you make something off of it?"

"Yea, it's almost ready. Can you wrangle everyone please?"

"Of course." Casey left Shelby to finish up and returned to the rest of her family. "Dinner's almost ready." She told them and made a subtle gesture to her parents to, kindly, get out of the room and give them some privacy.

"I'm going to see if Shelby needs some help in the kitchen. Love her to death, but that woman was never a culinary genius. Burnt water before, I swear it." The palpable tension seemed to ease a bit.

"I think I'll help too. You know what they say, six hands are better than four."

"I don't think they say that Grandpa." Rachel informed him.

"No? Well they should. Join us once you get washed up. Eight hands are better than six." He winked.

The remaining two stood idly. "How are you doing?"

"Fine. I'm fine." Rachel was quick to answer.

"Fine? Is that it?"

"I'm…" Casey wasn't going to let go and there was a voice in her head, coincidentally sounding a lot like Dr. Becks, which told her to just be honest. "I'm a little overwhelmed. I missed everyone and it was nice to see them, but…"

"But we Corcorans are a lot to handle?"

"Exactly." She nodded. They were a group of diva-ness and eccentricity wrapped in a pretty picture.

"Well, you're doing great. They don't really know how to take a hint, but get through today and I'll keep them away for a day or two. I can't promise any longer than that."

"Thanks Aunt Casey."

"Anytime kid. Now, go wash up Rachel. And take your time, but don't disappear. I don't want to hear your mother and I'm sure you don't want her chasing you down."

"I'll be quick."

They went their separate ways, Rachel to her room and Casey to the kitchen. "Where's Rachel?" Shelby asked.

"She just went upstairs for a second. She's fine."

"Ok, want to help me out?"

"What do you need me to do?"

"Grab the napkins." She directed. "And… And no napkin for Rachel."

"Shelby… Shel she's going to realize you did that intentionally."

"I know… But she'll also have to realize why." She'd do it, but she didn't have to like it. If they didn't show Rachel they trusted her, how was she supposed to trust herself? Shaking her head, she placed the napkins and silverware net to the already set plates. Pete took his place at the table while Casey and Maggie helped Shelby bring over the food.

All sitting and waiting, Shelby said, "I thought you said she was just cleaning up before dinner."

"I did. I told her to jut freshen up and come to the kitchen."

"She's been up there for fifteen minutes now."

"Has it really been that long?" She looked to her watch and shook her head. "Want me to go check on her?"

Casey stood before anyone could answer, but Shelby stopped her. "I think I should do it. I know she's closer to you… And I love you for it… But I need to do this." She said quietly, her hand gently gripping her sister's arm. "If I come back crying you can pick up the pieces… Ok?"

"I understand. Go… Go be her mom." Shelby nodded and left.

Meanwhile, after heading upstairs, Rachel felt paralyzed. She hadn't been in the house for so long. She hadn't been her room in months. Everything was so different and sill so the same. Or maybe she was different and things were the same. Or… Or… Her head wasn't even making sense. But there she stood, staring at the room like it housed a thousand loose reptilian creatures waiting to feast on her. The last time she was in that room… Her memories weren't full of cotton candy and fluff. That was for sure. But… It as just a room. Wasn't it? So, things happened there… It didn't change that it was just an object; a place…

Still, she couldn't go in. She simply stared. There was still no door. That was what she focused on. There was no door. It was an insignificant thing. She knew there wasn't one before. But now, she couldn't see past it. She couldn't stay there either. All these feelings were resurfacing and she didn't know what to do. She could go in there… It would be so easy to just go in there and find one of the razors she hid… But… She couldn't, could she? She wanted to… She so wanted to. She wanted to run downstairs, raid the fridge, binge on all the crap she knew Shelby kept in there, and then shove her fingers down her throat.

"No!" She said aloud. "No… No you can't." You can. "I won't… I don't want to." You want to, so bad. "I want to, but I won't." She stood firm. "I won't." But even she heard the lack of conviction in her voice. And that scared her. It scared her because she truly wanted to be better and she was seriously doubting if she was. "Maybe they should just lock me away forever." She thought.

All she knew for sure was that she couldn't keep standing there. She needed somewhere safe. She needed somewhere to just sit with her thoughts and get her head on right. She needed somewhere to breathe. Every single room in that house, though, held some sort of triggering memory… Except maybe one.

And that was where she needed to be. That was where she went.

That was where she stayed.

"Rachel?!" The frantic call pulled her room her stupor, but she couldn't say anything. She just needed to keep breathing. In through the nose 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Hold 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… Out through the mouth 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… "Rachel?!" Breathe. "Damn it Rachel! Where the hell are you?" The last place she'd think to look.

She didn't hear anyone come in. She was just sitting there, solitary, breathing. "Jesus Rachel! Didn't you her us calling you?"

"What?" She finally spoke.

"We were looking for you. Have you been here the whole time?"

"I'm sorry. I was… I was just sitting here." She had yet to look up, but she knew who she was talking to. She also realized how crazy she sounded.

"Are you ok?" She sat down next to Rachel, desperate to see her eyes and know.

And she got what she wanted. "I'm sorry. I'm fine. I just. I wanted to sit here and…"

"And be alone for a bit?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry Casey." Now she felt bad again. "I didn't mean to scare everyone. I just… I was…"

"Be honest with me. Please Rachel. What's going on?"

"I haven't… I haven't been in my room, since… since I… since I…"

"Say it. It's ok to say it."

"No it's not. It's not ok. I did that and I hurt everyone. I did that by… by trying to kill myself."

"You did hurt us. I can't deny that, but you're here. You're still here and trying. That makes it a hell of a lot easier and us a whole lot happier."

"It's just… I really am sorry for hurting everyone and I don't want to go in there and feel… everything."

"You're going to be ok Rachel. You know how I know that?"

"How?"

"Because you have my blood."

"Casey…"

"No, seriously, I know that because you're thinking about it. You knew it would be hard and you came in here to work through it instead of maybe pushing yourself for something you weren't ready for. That lets me know you're going to be just fine."

"Thanks Casey."

"You think we can try this again?" She nodded. "Ok, let's head downstairs."

Shelby was outside the door the whole time. She wanted to be the one to be there for Rachel, but she was actually glad it was her sister. She knew she wouldn't have handled it so well. Actually, since the thought of being in Rachel's room alone, like she had been doing, kind of set her off in a bad way, she wouldn't ended up saying something terribly stupid. That she knew.

It was her turn to breathe. Count to ten. Deep breaths. You're all going to be fine.

As she heard them coming toward the door, she raced downstairs to beat them and avoid being seen. No fuel needed to be added to the fire, especially not when it appeared to be dying down. Maggie and Pete realized that they really should go. "We so enjoyed seeing her and being with you all today, but we know as well as you, she can only take so much of us. At most, she had only spent an hour or so with us at a time the last few months. We're going to head over to Casey's and order in with Mark."

"You don't need to…"

"It's better you three face this one without an audience. We know we don't need to go, but it's best we do.

"Have some faith in her dear. She's a Corcoran; strong like her mom and aunt."

"Ok… Thanks mom and dad."

"We'll see you soon." The parents gave their daughter a kiss on the cheek and then saw themselves out. They were right. She didn't know how the food portion of the day was going to go and maybe it was better it be just them.

They were out the door just in time for Casey and Rachel to come in. "Hey, where are mom and dad?"

"They left."

Great, Rachel thought, she scared them away. Point one Rachel. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. They were tired. That's all." Sure they were… "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"Ok… Sit down." Dinner time… Moment of truth…

It was awkward. There was no way around that. And Rachel was beyond nervous. They all were. But they'd get through it. Rachel picked up her fork and moved to place a napkin on her lap, but there was none. She knew immediately it wasn't an accident. Looking around, every spot, even those abandoned, had one. She did not. Bowing her head, she just tried to ignore it. They didn't trust her. She expected it, but she wasn't completely prepared for it.

The whole situation was hard. It didn't help that she could feel their eyes borrowing holes into her head. Head down, bite, chew, swallow. She repeated that over and over to herself. Their staring was getting to her though. She thought she'd be used to it. She was constantly monitored in rehab, but it felt different. "I… um… I'm done." She told them.

"Rachel…" This was not the start they wanted. She seemed to be doing ok at first. Her bites were smaller than a normal forkful and she took her time chewing, but she was eating. Then she stopped. Half her plate, a plate that was balanced and not at all full to begin with. What happened? "You haven't eaten it all."

"I know but…" Under the table, she snapped the rubber band against her wrist. She found it in Shelby's room and used it as a safe substitute, something her therapist told her to use if she had to, but to try other methods first. She needed it.

"No buts Rachel. You need to eat."

"I know. It's just…"

"No, please don't do this…"

"I'm not doing anything. I just…" How did she say it without sounding terrible and upsetting her? "I don't really like this…" She pointed to the pasta. "The sauce is kind of…" Not great… burnt if possible. "Not good…"

"Oh." Relief was all they felt. Shelby didn't even take the insult personally. Sometimes she was a great cook, sometimes not so much. "Ok…" If she wasn't going to eat that, she still needed something.

And Rachel knew that too. She had to make an effort. "Umm… I could… I saw you bought some soy yogurt. I could… I could have that and…and an apple… You know, instead?"

Both Shelby and Casey internally smiled and sighed in relief. They were anticipating a big fight. They thought it was a ploy… But she was making an alternative suggestion… to eat. What?! "Yes, that would be good. Do you want me to grab it for you?"

"No." She answered quickly. "I can do it." And she needed away from that still. Claustrophobic table, even if it was only a dozen or so feet to the fridge. "I got it. Do you need a refill?" She pointed to their drinks. "I can get you one." More time away.

"No, thank you. Just get what you need and come back please."

"Alright." They watched her go, observing every move, much to her discomfort. She thought the watching was over, but she was starting to see it was only just beginning. Opening the fridge, she bent down so her face was hidden behind the metal door. Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breathe. _You can make it through this. The only hard day was yesterday… Yeah, keep telling yourself that…_

Grabbing the food, she returned to the table. Taking too much time staring at the light inside a cold metal box would make her seem crazy. Correction… Crazier…

She ate most of it, slowly and with an audience, but she felt so full and gross. "May I be excused?"

"Where are you going?" Bathroom… To not throw up.

"I thought I could go to your office, maybe listen to some music…"

"You can do that later… You can either stay at the table for the next half hour or you can come sit with us in the living room. Your choice."

"But… why?"

"I don't really want to do this right now, but I suppose we need to go over some ground rules."

"Didn't we already do that in therapy?"

"Partially."

"So there's more?" Great…

"Things are different now. We have to set new rules." She explained.

"Can we do it tomorrow? Please… I'll sit here like a good little girl, but can we please do the rest tomorrow?" She was tired. The day was… long already.

"Yes. We can go over it tomorrow. You still have to stay here though."

"I'm not going anywhere."

They left Rachel in there, staying within distance to hear her if she tried to make a break for it, but far enough away to have a conversation and not be overheard. "I heard you guys talking up there."

"You did?"

"Thank you for always knowing what to say to her."

"I don't know what to say Shel. I just respond to her. That's all." It came naturally. It was part of being an older sister and then a mother and now an aunt too.

"Well, thanks for being there for us… I was thinking I'd ask her to stay in my room tonight. If she can't face her room, she shouldn't have to until she's ready."

"I think that sounds like a good idea."

"I want her to feel comfortable here. Happy even. That won't happen if she is terrified."

"You're right." She peeked over at Rachel who sat stoically. "She doesn't seem too happy with us."

"She'll have to get over that. Things have to be different now. This is different."

"I know. Do you want me to stay tonight? I can."

"It's ok. You should get home. Spend some time with our parents and Mark. I'd like some time with her." Just the two of them before the first inevitable downfall came.

"Alright. But call if you need anything. No matter what time it is."

"You bet."

She kissed her sister's cheek. "I'm just going to say goodbye to her and then I'll leave you two to it."

"Thanks." Casey nodded and walked over to Rachel.

"Hey Rachel. I just came in to say good night."

"Am I being sent off to bed now?"

"No." She laughed. "I'm heading home."

"You mean you're not… You're not staying?"

"Not tonight Kiddo."

"But…" No… No! Why? Shelby would want to talk… She didn't know if she could do it without her… her aunt and friend and middle man mediator person there too.

"Do you want me to stay? I can and I will."

"No…" It came out meekly. "No." A little stronger. "There's no need." Time to grow up sometime… Be an adult Rachel. Don't act like a child.

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. But… I'll see you tomorrow right?"

"You're going to see me so much you'll be sick of me."

"I doubt that." She stood and after a brief moment of awkwardly standing there, she abruptly swung her arms around her aunt. "Thanks for bringing me back." There were so many different ways to take that, each more poignant than the last.

"Always Rachel."

"I… I love you Casey."

"And I love you… So much Rachel." She reluctantly parted from the girl. "If you need me or you can't sleep and you want to talk, call me."

"Ok."

"Promise."

"I swear I will."

"Ok." Repeating her earlier actions, she kissed the girls cheek. "See you tomorrow."

"Night Casey."

"Sleep well Rach."

She returned to her seat and waited with her thoughts. Eventually she heard the door shut and her mother approaching. "Hey Rachel."

"Hi."

"Want to come in the other room with me? We can listen to some music."

"Ok."

This was the first time they had been alone together in some time. And, as nervous as they both were, it was nice. They listened to some Broadway classics and discussed different parts of plays. It felt so perfect and family like; how thy always imagined their mother daughter relationship in dreams. But Shelby knew she had to just enjoy it while she could. The next step in the process was almost guaranteed to upset Rachel.

"It's getting late." And it killed Shelby that their good night was going to end. "We should get to bed."

"Do we have to?" The idea of going into that room… Not doing pretty things to her head. Avoiding triggers… she was told to do that, but that whole room felt like a trigger. She lived… and at least in some part both figuratively and literally, she died there…

"We really do. We have a lot to do tomorrow. So, get up and go get ready for bed." She didn't want to. It meant going into her room. She still wasn't sure why it terrified her so much, but there was something about going back to the darkest moment of your life that's just… monumental. It's like facing a part of yourself you never want to see again. And she never wanted to see that dark place again. It was lonely and cold and suppressing and all consuming. It was an unbearable place to exist, that was why she almost didn't. She may feel lonely and sad and depressed and she may still have issues with mirrors, but she wasn't there. She wasn't in that place where the only way out was six feet under a mountain of dirt… Not now and hopefully never again. She knew it was just a room. But it was also a real fear. It threatened her mental state. What wasn't to fear about that? It was already a delicate thing anyway. "Casey bought you some new pajamas. They're in my room if you'd like to wear them."

"Sure." Arguing felt like more of an effort than she was willing to give. She just wanted to be good and be better. Fighting wouldn't get her that. "Can I shower at least?" Anything to put off going to bed…

"Yes, use my shower. I forgot to put the body wash and hair stuff in yours."

"Ok." Rachel peeled herself off the couch and started for the stairs, stopping on the first step when she felt the presence behind her. "Are you coming with me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I can."

"Are you showering with me too?" Because that would be unacceptable. She'd have to put her tiny little,

"No."

"That's good." She continued walking on. "I don't believe I want an audience for that."

"But the door to that bathroom remains open."

She stilled. "Why?"

"It's just the way things have to be."

"You're serious? Do I have to leave the shower door open too?" She hissed. "Why don't you just come in with me? You can wash my hair."

"Don't get smart with me Rachel. This is happening. I'm not asking, I'm telling. So the door stays open. You take your shower and come out into my room."

"For what?"

"Rachel, let's not ruin today with attitude. Go take your shower and we'll talk after."

"Fine." It wasn't like she had much choice.

Rachel convinced Shelby to allow her to leave the door semi opened rather than all the way so it was closed enough to give her some privacy. It was a small win that she needed so she didn't feel the world would collapse. But it still felt that way. She couldn't explain why and it was different than before, but the feeling was still there. She hoped the hot water would do her some good. But, as she stripped down, she was forced to see herself in the mirror. There was just something about mirrors. They can't lie. What's there is there even, and especially, if you didn't like it. And she still had trouble liking what she saw. She was still underweight and she knew that. She was healthier, almost back to where she was told she should be, but that wasn't much comfort. She still saw fat. She was just taught to tolerate it.

That didn't mean she wanted to stare at herself naked in the mirror though. Or at all for that matter. Knowing the door hid the mirror and her, she threw one of the towels over the mirror. To cope, she told herself. One day it wouldn't be such an effort. Then, though, it was and she just wanted to shower. But that came with issue too. Clothes covered the scars. She had been wearing long sleeves every day even the summer months. It covered things. Pants cloaked the marks on her legs and shirts covered the rest. She was ashamed of them. They told her she shouldn't be. Dr. Becks made her walk around the hospital in short sleeves as a test and nobody stared. But, she reasoned, most of the people there had the same or similar afflictions. That wasn't much of a test. If they judged her, they judged themselves.

So she got through it. But that was there. This was… home and he family. What if Beth saw? Would it make Shelby sad to see? Would Casey start to hate her if she saw them?

Damn it! The hot water cascading her body hid it, but the tears were there. She didn't want to think like that. But even months of therapy couldn't eradicate everything. "It's a lifelong battle." She could hear the doctors saying. "The thoughts and feelings, even the urges… They may always be there. It's how you deal with them and handle yourself that we can work on. That's what you're here for. We'll give you the tools and then you'll know how to deal." At first she didn't understand that. There she did though. The thoughts were there. The feelings were definitely there. And the urges… well those hadn't gone away.

Even standing there, washing herself, she kept staring at Shelby's razor. She knew they were right not to trust her. She made it that way. It didn't make it hurt any less though. She imagined the distrust was only going to become more apparent in the following days. "And it's my fault." She said. That razor was looking awfully appealing. Her hand reached out for it, inching closer and closer and…

"Rachel?" She pulled her hand back so fast she nearly toppled herself with whiplash, her other hand reached for the wall to keep herself upright and knocked a bottle over in the effort. "Are you ok in there?"

"Fine."

"You've been in there a long time. I was just coming to check on you when I heard something. Did you fall? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, everything is perfectly ok. I just happened to drop a bottle."

"You almost done?"

"I'm just rinsing out my hair. I'll be out as soon as I'm done."

"Ok. I put a new bathrobe on top of the counter for you."

"Thanks." Now please get out. Just get out!

"Let me know if you need anything." Rachel hoped if she didn't answer her mother would leave. And she did leave, but Shelby stayed at the door and just stood there for a moment. Her daughter was home and she was so beyond thrilled, but she knew, as hard as it was with her gone, it was also so much easier. Of course she worried, but she knew Rachel was safer at a facility. There was constant supervision and strict rules. There was a certain safety away from the real world. And she didn't have to burden of that weight when Rachel was gone. She loved her daughter and was happy she was there, but she would be a liar if she didn't admit it was also incredibly hard to have her there again.

She wasn't sure how to do it and she didn't want to screw up again. That just wasn't an option. She couldn't fail her again. She had to protect her this time… even if from herself.

She became so lost in thought she didn't realize how long she stood there, only noticing when she heard the metal squeak of the knob turning. The water was being shut off. Rachel would be out soon. And then it was time to invade her space. Rachel was going to hate it. She already hated it and she hadn't even done it yet.

"Where's the hair dryer?" Rachel asked as she came out, the robe clearly too big for her thin frame.

"It's in here. Why don't you sit? Let me do your hair?"

"Oh… Um… Ok. That would be nice."

"Great." She smiled. "Sit. I'll get everything." No harm in enjoying a little time with her daughter before she basically told her there was absolutely no trust between them and there was going to be no privacy at all…

Shelby enjoyed being able to do Rachel's hair. It was such a simple thing, but also a cherished new memory. She loved that Rachel allowed her to do this, to brush and braid her hair. And it was nice to run the comb through and not see a clump of hair come out because her body was so malnourished.

Her daughter ate that day. Her daughter let her do her hair. Her daughter didn't complain, too much, when she told her about how the shower was going to work. Her daughter was strong and just so incredibly courageous. She envied that as much as she hated it. That strength and independence were what got her by, but they were also part of her the cause. It led to trouble and an inability to seek help. But they were there now. That was what was important.

"Thanks Shelby." Rachel told her. "Where did you say those pajamas were?"

"Right here." She reached on top of the dresser. "But before you put them on…"

Oh god… "What is it?"

"I… I need to check you Rachel."

"Check me?" She knew what that meant. She hoped she was wrong.

"Yes, I need you to come out here… and you can and should wear your underwear of course, but I need you to come out here so I can make sure you didn't…"

"Didn't what? Try to off myself in the shower? The shower you were right outside the room for…"

"I know you may not understand…" The problem was more that she did. And the stung just ran deeper.

"It's fine Shelby. It's like I never left rehab." Only more humiliating because it was her mother checking her over. And that was one thing she never wanted her family to see again. She didn't want to hurt them anymore and she knew the sight would stab them in the heart.

"Rachel…" Shelby wanted her daughter to understand.

As she continued to head back into the bathroom, she said, "I get it Shelby… I'll be right out." With that, she shut the door. It was probably against the rules and Shelby would agree it was, but it was needed in that moment and her mother wasn't going to say anything. "Let's just get this over with." She said as she came back out. She stood there in her robe and waited for Shelby to approach.

"You have to take that of you know?"

"I know." She slowly slipped off the robe, suddenly more uncomfortable than she thought possible. Why was this happening? "Just do it." Her eyes remained sealed tight the entire time. She couldn't bear the look she believed her mother would have.

Shelby did have a look on her face. She was heartbroken. Yes, she saw some of the scars before, but Rachel was good at hiding things. And they were everywhere. Some she never saw before… Some that happened while in treatment… It was hard to see. She knew she was the reason for some of them and that was a hard pill to swallow. "Turn around please." Rachel followed orders. She could feel Shelby's hand on her body examining the scars. It was taking longer than it needed. The uncomfortableness they were both feeling was climbing to a new extreme. "Ok, we're done." Shelby said sadly. There were just so many scars… And those were just the physical ones. Never mind that she still looked a bit too skeletal without all those clothes on.

"Great." Her voice was so quiet. She didn't have the strength to be loud. "So what now?"

"Your clothes are right there. You can get dressed." She did. Her mother already saw her practically naked, she might as well see her put some clothes on.

Rachel's head still hung low. She hated herself a little more and she hated the look on her mother's face; pity. No one liked pity. "And now?"

"Now it's time for bed."

"Oh-kay…" She was reluctant, but as Shelby headed into her bathroom, she moved into the hall… and stood there. Though she kept telling herself she could do it, and she knew she could, she was still scared. And that she didn't know how to just stop.

"Rachel?"

"Hmm?" She must've been there a while.

"I don't like to go in there either." Shelby admitted.

"Really?" Rachel's attention was had as she turned to her mother.

"It's hard. It makes me think of that day, of finding you in there…" She drifted.

"I'm sorry…" Way to make a girl feel worse…

"You want to know what makes going in there easier?"

Genuinely curious, she asked, "What?"

"Not doing it alone." She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. And it actually would be to a normal person. None of them were normal.

Was that even an option? It wasn't likely Beth would want to be her moral support. And she had qualms about asking the mother she destroyed emotionally to be her own emotional backbone. It just wasn't going to happen. "Yeah?"

"Yes. So how about I go in there with you? We can face this together."

"It's just a room. I can do it on my own." Lie.

"But you don't need to. I'm right here. And, maybe I need you to be able to go in there."

"Ok, but we're not holding hands or anything."

"I wouldn't dream of it." She laughed.

Together, they went into the room. Each step was daunting and emotional, but also liberating. The room itself wasn't the cause of her distress. And it was so different. "You… you moved things." It was a question, but not.

"Yes. We changed a lot." Clearly, life moved on without her. Why would it stop just because she went all crazy? It was what she wanted, wasn't it? She wanted all of them to move o without her once she died. That was the plan. She tried to kill herself and she wanted them all to just go on. So they did. She got what she wanted.

She didn't know why that hurt so much. But it did.

"Most of your stuff is still here." Shelby explained as Rachel wandered the room. "Some of it…" and she wasn't going to say which then. "Some of it we moved and some we got rid of."

"Oh…"

"Nothing of importance was touched Rachel. Everything's still here… But there are some things we got rid of that… they needed to be gotten rid of."

"I'm tired." Beyond exhausted really.

"Why don't you lay down? I'll stay here until you fall asleep." She pointed to the desk.

"Ok." Everything was just so overwhelming. It almost made her miss the structured life of rehab. At least she usually knew what to expect there. There was no predictability here.

Rachel pulled down the fresh linen, the laundry scent of lavender filling the air. Shelby was next to her, ready to tuck her in. "Hop in." She did. She zombie walked into the bed and laid down. But she said nothing. "Goodnight Rachel." Shelby said as she pulled the comforter up. "I love you." She was about to go over to the chair when Rachel's hand popped out from under the cover and grabbed hers.

"Wait."

"What is it Rachel? Do you need something?"

"Will you… Will you lay with me? I… I don't want to be alone."

"Of course. I'd love to." Shelby snuck in on the other side. Like Rachel had, she avoided looking in the direction of the bathroom. Cleaned and scrubbed and sanitized and it would always be that bloody mess to her.

The pair laid in silence. It didn't take long for Shelby to sleep or for Rachel, but it didn't last long. She was so tired, but her mind and the jitters were all getting to her. Why was it just so hard? Why did she have to be such a mess and a disappointment? Why couldn't she just be normal like everyone else? She couldn't help the cry that left her. Her body shook with quiet sobs. She didn't want to wake her mother too. But she did anyway. They were practically spooning, so as soon as she began to shake, Shelby was quick to wake.

"It's ok Rachel. Let it out." She told her as she wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. "This is overwhelming and scary… For me too. For all of us. But this is home. You belong here. And we're so happy to have you back. I love you. I love you so much. We're going to make it." She assured her. "I love you."

"I… I love you to mom." She managed to say between hiccupping sobs. It filled Shelby with such joy and pride to hear and it truly made what she said more real. They were going to be ok.

She squeezed her a little tighter. "I'm right here. Always. Just let it out."

It was a bonding moment. A time of growth. They could only build from there.

The next morning, Casey was there bright and early. Rachel woke at exactly seven, just as she had every single day in rehab. They weren't allowed out of bed earlier unless they needed the bathroom, or later unless there was reason. But when she woke, she was sandwiched between her mom and aunt. "When did you get here?"

"About an hour ago." Casey whispered. "I was hoping to wake up and get here before you got up."

"Worried about me?"

"Always. You're my niece. I'm bound to worry. Imagine my shock when I saw this cute as pie picture. I just had to be a part of it. I guess I was more tired than I thought because I fell asleep s soon as I laid down."

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too." Casey told her. "Let's let her sleep and go make breakfast."

Casey saw the cringe but thought little of it. Her associations with food were bound to create some unpleasantness. "I suppose we should." Rachel agreed. Agreeing was all she could do. They deserved her to be on her best behavior.

"Alright. That's my girl."

That part of the day was easy enough. Oatmeal, fruit, and a smoothie for breakfast. That, and a handful of pills. She half expected Casey to ask her to open her mouth and stick her tongue out so she could make sure they were swallowed. She would've did it without complaint, but she was glad she didn't have to.

After breakfast was taken care of and Beth was already down there, they woke Shelby up to join them. There was still issue. It wasn't going to be any different than the night before just because a few hours passed, but Rachel ate and they didn't stare… too much. Beth seemed to take some of the attention off her which she was forever grateful for. This was one place she absolutely did not want the spotlight on her. Yay Beth, throw some more food! Keep them looking at you!

By lunch, they started the process all over and Shelby thought it was time to start in on the rules. "There's no going to the bathroom after meals."

"What if I have to relieve myself?"

"Then one of us will escort you."

"Like watch me as I go?"

"More, stand outside with the door slightly open."

"I had more privacy in rehab."

"I doubt that."

"I don't."

"I know it's hard Rachel. But trust needs to be earned back. I have faith it you and I believe in you, but it's a work in progress. I need to do this to make sure you're safe."

"Whatever. I'm sure there's a laundry list of new rules. What are they?"

They went over everything in detail. It was stricter than the first few weeks in treatment. She had no breathing room at all. What the hell did they want from her? She was trying? She wasn't perfect… clearly, but she was trying her best!

She was frustrated and only became more so when her grandparents and uncle came over.

That was hard. They all kept talking. Which was fine and great. That's what family's all about. But they wanted to ask her questions and talk about the future and just talk, talk, talk. She could barely see what would happen five minutes from them. She didn't understand how they didn't see she didn't know what the future held. She didn't know what her dreams were anymore. Add the constant reminder of the new reality, the stares and rules and all of that, and she wasn't having the best day.

She just wanted to escape. But she wasn't even allowed to be alone… No, that wasn't a rule, but if she so much as left the room for ten minutes they went looking for her and then watched her carefully after that like she was going to break… Or worse, that she already had.

And the first therapy session with her new shrink was… Not fun. She was given an assignment of sorts that she wasn't looking forward to one bit. "It's important Rachel. This came up several times in your journal and it's not a secret that will stop hurting, especially when you keep it to yourself."

"I'm not keeping it to myself. There are other people who know." Rachel told her.

"But did you tell them willingly." She got her there… "You need to open up and let people in. That's the only way to stay on track." If only it was that easy… Just do…

When she got home from the session, she was a mess. Thankfully there was Casey. She showed Rachel there was still some trust between them by allowing her to chop vegetables for dinner with the knife when she was purposely not given one at dinner the night before and the drawer seemed mysteriously void of all things sharp and pointy. That was the easy part. But the knife was hypnotizing. She wasn't going to lie. It would be so easy to just accidentally slice… No! She couldn't' think like that. Focus… breathe and focus.

"Should we be letting her do that?" All eyes were on Rachel and she was feeling it. They were worried.

"She's fine mom. She's fine Shelby. God, if we don't let her do anything she's going to wind up catatonic rocking in the corner. Give her a break. You already hid all the cutlery and stripped the house of anything that could be used as a weapon. She's right in front of us. She's not going to do anything. So relax."

"I hate that you're always right."

"Really? Because I love it."

"She really does." Mark added. "And she's always right or she has to be."

"Mark, you should stop talking before you bring out her threatening side."

"I don't have a threatening side… Not really."

"We call it your 'or else' side. You give some empty threats."

"Like how she'll cut me off."

"Keep talking and I will."

Their light hearted banter was distracting enough for them not to notice Rachel was gone. "Hey, where's Rachel?" Maggie asked. All the adults looked around as if she was hiding somewhere.

"Rachel?!" Shelby called out.

They got no answer, but heard music playing and followed the sound. When they got to Shelby's office they saw Rachel and Beth playing and dancing around. It was the most adorable thing. "See." Casey whispered into her sister's ear. "We can give her some freedom and she'll be ok. I know she lost a lot of our trust, but she can't have lost all of it. At least, she hasn't lost all of mine. Let her have some fun with her sister." Shelby nodded and they all departed.

Rachel was glad for the break though. She needed something distracting and her sister helped with that. She wanted to play and have fun and the teen needed that. But it didn't last long. She was called in for dinner and the next round of pills shortly after that. There was a schedule to follow. Structure was important… God, she hated that Becks' voice was in there.

But she listened to it. Mostly she had no choice.

After eating what she could with an even bigger audience, she, once again, chose to sit in there alone after the meal. She felt a little claustrophobic. She wanted to spend time with everyone, but she wasn't used to so many people all at once just focusing on her. Yes, it was like that at times at the center, but it was also very different. They weren't her family and attention was usually spread a little thinner or very one on one. This was like being a fish in a bowl everyone just stared at.

They just refused to give her space. As soon as the allotted time was up though, she was determined to get it. "Who's my escort to the bathroom this time?" She sighed. That was getting old real fast.

"I'll go." Shelby said and walked with her.

When done, Rachel asked, "Am I allowed to be alone at all? Can I just go to my room for a little while? It's not like I have a door… I just… I'm happy to be here and I'm happy everyone's here… But it's a lot Mom… It's a lot and I can't… I just can't breathe. I'm tired and I can't breathe." As sad as she was to hear that Shelby understood and was happy Rachel said something rather than let it fester.

"You can go to your room. Just come down or call one of us if you need something. I'll be putting Beth to bed soon so I'll come in and check on you then."

"You don't need to…" Shelby wasn't going to budge, "Fine."

But she did get some much needed time away. It was the first time since coming home she truly was alone. They knew where she was so they weren't searching. They weren't waiting for her. There wasn't a time limit. She could just be… She could kind of breathe. It wasn't like she had something to do. She didn't get her phone back so even if she wanted to call her friends, which she was scared and reluctant to do, she couldn't. But there was some busy work there. And journaling. She could do that.

Honestly, she needed to do that. Or she'd find a way to do what she really wanted…

Shelby did check on her like she said she would, but her attempts to get Rachel to leave her room were futile. Though Rachel still hadn't entered or went anywhere near her bathroom unless absolutely necessary, she was finding her room was still her room. It was her place even if it really wasn't exactly to her liking. That was where she wanted to be… alone and away from everything. And it wasn't like she had nothing to do. Though she was given time to keep up with her school work while away, she still had a pile of it to get through. It seemed like as good a time as any to do some.

"You seriously can't be working on school assignments! You just got home. You've got a whole week before you go back. You should take it easy." Casey scared her.

"I need to do something."

"But you should be doing something fun. Relax a little. Don't stress so much." Right, say it and it shall be…

"I guess I can relax for a few days." Rachel conceded with a smile. To Casey, though, it was so much more. It was the first sign that things were truly different. She wasn't pushing herself too hard too fast.

"That's the spirit." She joked happily. "I know you said you were tired, but we're about to start a movie. Why don't you join us? Everyone would like that. I know I would and your grandparents want to spend as much time with you as possible." Rachel was getting a weird sense of déjà vu. They had this exact conversation before. It was… oddly comforting.

Following the pattern of the last time they had this conversation, Rachel, though hesitant just like then too, asked, "What are you watching?"

"Haven't decided yet, but if you're going to join us, you better hurry up. You remember grandma has the worst taste in movies and she usually ends up picking. But if you come, maybe she'll let you pick and you can save us all from misery." She still wanted to say no, but how could she?

"We wouldn't want you all to suffer. I think I have a movie we'll all like." She looked around. She needed to at least get something done first. "I'll be right down."

"Great. I'll try to hold them off." She was just about to bounce along when Rachel called for her.

"Hey Casey?"

"Yes Rachel."

"There's… there's something I want to talk to you about… Well, not want but… My therapist said I need to… That in some ways, it affects you too… I involved you… And I don't want to talk to mom… to Shelby… And I… don't want to talk about it at all… But… I guess I have to?"

"Is that a question?"

"No…"

"You want to talk now?"

"No…"

"You let me know when and I'll be right there to listen."

"Maybe I can come over your house…"

"I'd like that."

She smiled. "Ok… And Casey?"

"Yes Rachel?"

"Thanks for help making this my home."

"We love you Rachel. This is home. You are home. Right where you belong. And I'm sorry you didn't feel that sooner. But you are home and you are loved."

And maybe, just maybe, she was really beginning to believe that.

**Ok, so I decided not to write personalized individual responses because, when it all boils down to it, they'll all say the same thing. They would all say just how sorry I am for the delay and that I wish I did it sooner, but I appreciate the words of encouragement (from some of you) and I hear the urging from the rest. I'll continue to try and do better with that, but I can't make promises of when. **

**You are all awesome. Thank you for sticking by this story. We'll get there. **

**Story is almost finished… We're almost there… Hang in there a little longer if you want to see it through with me. I'm not giving up, as slow as I may be and as unpredictable as my updating has become, this will be finished. That is a promise. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **


	42. Seeing it Through

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

**So I'm not dead. So, so sorry for the delay. You are all probably used to it by now. Can't say I'm proud of that. But here it is. **

**Someone suggested to me I share my twitter handle so that so you can follow me or hound me about updates when I take forever (I prefer a gentle reminder that I'm taking too long. It works better. You catch more flies with honey) So, if you'd like to, you'll find me as MDwrites19 If you're as curious as I tend to be about the face behind the words, that's where you'll find me. **

**I've decided to finish the story and then go back and edit the last few chapters that way I can update as often as I can and worry about the errors later. If I have time, I'll go through them earlier, but I rather work on new chapters than worry about all the mistakes. So, just ignore them please. **

Chapter 42: Seeing it Through

Casey was determined to get Rachel out of the house. She hadn't spoken to her friends. She hadn't gone shopping or so much as stepped foot outside for some fresh air. She was isolating herself and Casey wanted to change that. "Rachel?"

"Yes?"

"You told me you wanted to talk. I thought we could spend the day together. Just the two of us while your mom's at work. Then she has her therapy session. So we have all day."

"Where's Beth?"

"With the sitter."

"I'm… I'm not sure I'm ready to talk." Or face the public. That definitely terrified her too.

"That's alright. We can just have a girls' day. We can do some shopping, get mani-pedis and just have fun."

"I… I suppose I can spare a few hours."

"That a girl!" Casey smiled in success. "Go grab a coat."

She couldn't understand why she was so nervous about leaving the house. It wasn't like she was agoraphobic before. She had no idea why that changed. No one she knew would be around. There was school. Her scars were hidden. Just looking at her, no one could see the troubling past behind the shiny exterior. So why was she so terrified?

Why did stepping out into the world feel like such torture? She was really regretting agreeing to go out, even more so, regretting agreeing to talk. What had she gotten herself into?

"Rachel! Are you ready?"

"I guess…"

"You guess?"

"I mean… Do you really want to go out? We can stay in and… and watch movies. I just ordered the new _Les Miserables_! We could watch that."

Casey, with her face suddenly in a grimace, walked into the room and sat on the bed across the room from where Rachel stood. "Rachel, sweetie, is there a reason you don't want to go out?"

"What? No… no reason." Not really… But kind of…

"You haven't wanted to go out at all since you came home."

"That's not true." Rachel was quick to defend. Maybe she just had no where she needed to go.

"Honey… You offered to stay home and organize the pantry instead of going shopping…"

"Organizing is relaxing to me… and I didn't need anything from the store."

"The whole purpose of shopping was to get you some new clothes for school."

"Well, there was nothing wrong with my old clothes and… The pantry needed some alphabetizing." She reasoned.

"No pantry needs alphabetizing Rachel."

"Fine, but I've left the house."

"Yeah, to go to therapy and doctors' appointments, but never anywhere else."

"That's not true."

"Are we going to do this again?" Rachel sighed and shook her head. "You've only been home a week. It's ok to just want to be home… But it feels like there's more going on than you're sharing. You haven't talked to us or, really, any of your friends either… It's not good to be so in your head anymore. Nobody thinks differently of you. We all just want you to lean on us if you need to and just be… normal." She corrected herself. "No, to just be you. Because we love you."

"I know…"

"So you'll come out with me?"

"Casey… I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice."

"You always have a choice… But yeah, no you are coming no matter what."

"Great…"

"So, ready?"

"I guess so."

"I'll meet you in the car. Don't take too long."

Casey was worried about her niece. The teen had made great strides, but she also seemed stuck. For all the opening up the girl attempted to do, she was still so withdrawn. The confessions and talks of feelings were mostly superficial. Buried in her mind was everything that needed to be discussed that she'd only talk about with herself. It was her mission to help her open up more. Rachel made the step by telling her she needed to talk, so Casey was going to make sure she did.

"Rachel!" She called after getting tired of waiting. "Car, now!"

"Coming." Reluctantly, she was going…

The brooding teen was quiet the whole drive. Like most of their car rides, she seemed lost in thought. Casey didn't know how to coax her out of it, but that didn't stop her from trying. "So, where to first?"

"Wherever." Attempt one, a fail…

"Mall it is."

"Ok."

Sigh… Rachel wouldn't even look in her direction. Almost as soon as she stepped out of the house, Rachel lost all that confidence and jubilee that she gained back. Casey couldn't explain it, but it was like instant regression and she could read the anxiety all over the girl. Pulling into the parking garage, she reached out to put her hand on Rachel's. Giving it a squeeze, she asked, "You alright?"

"Peachy."

Well, the shopping appeared to be looking like one hell of a time… Casey thought sarcastically. What happened to the girl that, though still a bit timid, was more of the real driven happy self she once was? "Where to first?"

"You should choose. I have nowhere in particular I want to go."

"Ok. I was thinking we can go to the shoe store first." Because that would probably be easier considering that size didn't fluctuate with weight and when picking out clothes, well Rachel would possibly be hit more fully with the reality that she had gained weight and was bigger, healthier. There was no telling how she'd react to it. Casey knew she knew. But it was one thing to know and another to really _know._ "Then we can pick up some supplies and clothes."

"Sounds fine to me."

"Good."'

They weren't very talkative, at least not about anything of substance, but they seemed to get a lot done. They discussed style and shoes much like girls do, bought a few new pairs, and moved on to the next store. Rachel picked out a new back pack and all the color coordinated supplies a neat freak would need before Casey suggested they get some food. "So, I don't know about you, but I'm famished. Want to grab lunch?"

Rachel stilled. She wasn't hungry, not even a little. And, in all honesty, she knew she wasn't sure if the non-hunger was more mental or physical. "Can we finish shopping first?" She suggested. Maybe that would give her some time to figure it out. "I rather try on clothes now and eat after." She was already back to semi lying. But that was normal. Wasn't it? Every teenager did that. No harm…

"We can do that Rachel, but we do have to eat."

"I know!" She said too harshly. "I'm sorry. It's just… I know alright. I just want to finish shopping first.

"Ok, let's finish shopping. Then we can go to a restaurant and talk."

"Sure… yeah… good…"

"Way to sound so thrilled."

"I'm sorry. I really am having a good time with you."

"Me too Rach."

The aunt was right to question Rachel's ability to handle her body's changes. The girl was clearly aware of it before, but Casey saw the way she just looked at the tags with eyes that could only be described as broken. And, in Rachel's mind, she even felt that way. The logic and reason she knew were in conflict with the emotions she was feeling. Rachel knew that she needed the weight, she needed to be healthy, and with that came being in a bigger, more appropriate (one that exists without special tailoring or at least in adult) size. Bu, even knowing that, even knowing that her new size was still smaller than she was before it all began, and even knowing that it was an inevitability didn't pacify the thoughts.

She didn't want to gain weight. She didn't want to be bigger. She didn't want any of it. But she needed it. She needed to be healthy. She needed to stop seeing every pound as her getting fat and being a failure and start seeing it as a stride toward health and happiness. If only her brain could reconcile the logic with the illogical. Life would be easier then.

Noticing Casey watching her a little too intently for her liking, Rachel tried to quell her anxieties and just pick out a few things. When a skirt that would've, only a few weeks prior, hung loose on her frame, then felt a little snug, she nearly had a panic attack. It happened before her first days home. Most of the clothes they bought her upon her homecoming had tags cut off and gave no way of knowing the sizes, but when she found and old pair of pajamas that she knew used to slide right off and tried them on, the tightness of them practically sent her to the bathroom looking to relapse. But she didn't… She wouldn't let this time be any different.

So, she forced herself to play along. Eventually, she knew, the anxieties would ease and, as long as she kept breathing and utilize all she learned, she'd be just fine. But she didn't want to test that theory and tried to pick up all she needed as quickly as she could. The longer she was exposed to her stressors, the more dangerous they became. She wasn't quite desensitized yet. She was working on it.

"I'm ready to go now." Casey wanted them to shop more. She would need more clothes and the few outfits they picked out wouldn't suffice. But she didn't want to push. The look in her niece's eyes told her she needed to go, that, as much as she was trying to control the thoughts, it was getting too much. So, she wasn't going to make it worse.

"Ok. I'll go pay. Why don't you meet outside?"

"You don't want me to wait?"

"No need for us both to suffer through this line. Just don't go too far alright?"

"Ok."

Rachel quickly left the store and loitered about the entrance. There was nowhere in the immediate vicinity she really wanted to go. There was another little boutique there and a sports store there, but nothing that drew her in. She was just about to head over to sit on the benches when she heard a set of voices she was hoping to avoid. As they got closer, she found herself hiding, ducking into the nearby archway behind some fake tree.

"Did you see her? She was such a mess."

"I don't know. She wasn't so bad."

"Come on, we'll never win with her on the team. I don't know why she stays. Sue would kick any one of us off for that, but not her."

"Lord Tubbington says that Carla has magic powers. That's why she gets to stay on the team."

"Sure B, that's why."

"Walk faster Santana. We need to get everything before the end of the school day. If I'm not home on time my parent's will kill me."

"I'm not the one yacking up a storm."

"Whatever, let's stop in there."

Rachel wondered what they were doing there. They were supposed to be in school. Avoiding them was top on her priorities list. She managed to convince Shelby not to tell anyone she was coming home. They knew she was supposed to, but she told them she was spending some of her home acclimating time with her grandparents. She just didn't know what to say to them and it was too hard to imagine how she could apologize to them. They didn't have to forgive her for the trouble and hurt, especially not Noah. But she did miss them, especially him. It took a while before she was ready to face her family, and most days she wasn't sure she was ever ready for that. But she didn't have a choice when it came to them. With her friends, she did. And she wasn't ready.

"What are you doing?"

Startled, Rachel jumped, her hand going to her heart. "You scared me!"

"Sorry, but what are you doing?" Casey asked curiously.

"Nothing." She straightened herself out.

"Are you hiding?"

"What? No?"

"Is that a question?"

"No… no I wasn't hiding. Just… Checking out the view. Look, there's a glass ceiling."

"Nice." She said skeptically. "Come on, I'm hungry."

She took the girl's hand and guided her toward a nearby restaurant. "Here looks good. What do you say?"

"If it looks good to you, I'm ok with it." She didn't really care where they went to eat. She still wasn't hungry. The thought of eating made her stomach turn, but she'd do it and shed have that talk with her aunt that she needed to have too. The day was feeling long already…

They were seated in a booth by the window and began to peruse the menu. Rachel desperately tried not to, but everything she looked at automatically became translated into calories, carbs, and fat content. She had to shake it off. "What can I get you?"

"I'll have the chicken Panini and the soup of the day. Can I get some more coffee too please?" The waiter nodded and looked to Rachel. "Hon, what do you want?" Rachel didn't answer. "Rachel?"

"Oh… uh… I'll have the vegetable wrap and salad. Thank you." She handed him her menu and looked to her aunt. That wasn't exactly the meal she was hoping her niece would order, but there was struggle behind those eyes. It was balanced enough and she was sure to make sure Rachel had a hearty snack when they returned home. Until then, she just wanted to enjoy their time together.

"So… how was our week?"

"Casey, I've seen you almost every day. You know how my week was."

"You're right… You ready to go back to school?"

"Yeah… Ready." More like petrified.

The waiter interrupted as he returned with their food and refills on their drinks. Conversation seemed to cease for a while. Rachel began to play with her food, taking the occasional small bite as Casey watched on. She needed to distract the girl. That always seemed to help during meal time. If she was kept engaged and her mind off of the act of eating, she tended to mindlessly eat. Well, not quite mindlessly, but a whole lot less restrictively. "Do you miss it Rachel?" She started. Casey didn't say anything right away, but she caught Rachel, on several occasions, staring at the dance gear. Her eyes gazed just a little too long at the specialty store's window display. And it got her thinking.

"What's that?"

"I noticed today, that you kept looking at the dance stuff. Do you miss it?"

"More than you know."

"I was thinking that I could talk to your mom. Maybe we can start you back in your classes again." As much as she wanted that, she didn't at the same time… She'd have to face a whole group of people who, undoubtedly, had a lot of questions.

"I don't think she'll go for that."

"But is it something you want? I know you've been doing light yoga and meditating, but if dancing is something you want, we can try to find a way to make that happen."

"Of course it's something I want. My whole life has been about dancing and singing. I don't know if I still have the same dreams, but I still have the same passions. I want to dance, but I don't know that I can."

"Because of all that happened?"

"Because there's no way Shelby will agree. And… I don't know. Maybe I wasn't that good to begin with and that was part of the reason I had to push myself so hard." She wanted to be back on the dance floor more than she thought possible, but she knew the pressures there. She knew what she'd want to do and she couldn't hurt her family anymore. She didn't want to give on dance. She wanted to jump right back in and pretend none of this ever happened. But, at the same time, she was terrified to face everyone and wasn't sure shed be welcomed back.

"That's not true at all. You are still so hard on yourself. You have so much talent inside of you. Don't doubt yourself and don't give up on what you love."

"I'm not giving up. I'm just not sure what I love anymore. But… I would like to get back into dance."

"Well, then, we'll just have to talk to your mother about that."

"Do I have to be there when we do?"

"We'll see." She joked.

They continued some idle chat while they ate. Casey was right. Keeping her talking took some of the pressure off of eating and Rachel started taking normal bites. They were still few and slow, but they were bigger and that was something. They were still working on her habits. Dr. Becks told them it wouldn't just go away. Every day of her life would be a battle, but one she could win with support and love and the strength they all knew she had.

Right then, she was winning whether she viewed it as that or not.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah Casey?"

"You said there was something you wanted to talk to me about… It's been almost a week and you still haven't done it."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I just want to be here for you. It seemed pretty important."

"Yeah… I suppose it was…"

"Do you want to talk about it now?"

No, she didn't. She could already feel the pressure of tears building in her eyes. "I… My therapist says I need to open up more…"

"We always want to listen to what you have to say… Even if it's hard, we're here."

"I… I know… You've been here for me from the beginning. I just… It's hard."

"I know. Being honest, opening up… It's not easy for me either. But it's not something that can be avoided either."

"I know… I… well you see…" Why couldn't she even find the words to just get started? "I was…"

"Berry?!"

"Oh no…" Rachel nearly whispered as her head bowed down. Why were they there? Why?

"Berry is that you?" They were coming closer as Casey watched with concern.

"Rachel? Are you ok?"

No. "Fine."

"Do you want me to send them away?" Casey offered in a whisper as the girls continued to approach.

"It's… It's fine."

"Berry? I… I didn't know you were home…"

"Hello Santana." The Latina couldn't even look her in the eyes… "Hi Britany. Quinn."

"Hi Rachel!" Britany said with an unexpected hug.

"When… When did you get back?" Santana seemed as nervous as she was. She had to wonder what they all knew. Clearly Puck, Santana, and Kurt knew most of what there was to know about her situation, but what about everyone else? Did they gossip? Did they tell everyone? Did she have any secrets?

What are you guys doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?"

"Shouldn't you?" Quinn snapped. The blonde didn't like how concerned Santana was. She understood, but Rachel seemed to maneuver her way into her friends' lives and she was a little jealous of that. "Sorry." She apologized when she saw Casey. "We uh… we're playing hooky. Please don't tell." She pleaded with the older woman.

"Relax. My lips are sealed. I was a kid once."

"We're not kids."

She put her hands up in mock surrender. "Ok." Rachel looked squirmy, like she was itching for an out, and just as she was about to give her one, one of the girls spoke.

"I missed you Rachel! Why aren't you at school? Is it because you're sick?" Britany asked innocently. "Because you don't look all that sick. You should come back."

"Uh… I…"

"Yeah?" Quinn squinted with a narrow gaze. She may have had a pretty good idea about where the girl was and the rumor mill was certainly ripe with ideas, but no one ever said for sure where she was and what happened. All Quinn really knew was that Rachel wasn't ok before, but she was looking better now. "Where were you exactly? No one would tell us anything. They just said you were sick and would be back when you could."

"Right… I was."

"So where were you?"

"I… I…"

"She was staying with her grandparents while she recuperated." Casey answered for her.

"I didn't know you were back." Santana repeated again. Though she didn't look into the smaller girl's eyes, she also couldn't stop staring.

"I just got back." She responded.

"Oh." All Santana could think about as she looked to her and listened to her speak was the letter she received. Damn Rachel for making her feel any kind of way. But she did. Like with all the final words she left, the letter stuck with her.

_Santana, _

_I'm hoping you actually take the time to read this. Not sure you will though. I'm thinking you might just tear it up and use it as confetti. Who knows? You could be thrilled I'm gone… But, if you are reading this, there's something I need you to do. _

_Truth is, as mean as you are to me, I know you have a good heart underneath all that ice. Thaw it out a little. I know you're the only one for the job. _

_You owe me this. For the hell you put me through. So please, just do what I asked. _

_Thanks. I think… I think we could've been good friends if we gave it half a chance. _

_Rachel_

Why Rachel left that for her was really beyond her. She figured it was payback, a way to make her feel as bad as she did every time Santana bullied her. That was her guess; the only thing she could rationalize. Because it did hurt. It hurt her to know that she was part of what drove her to that moment. It hurt to know that she missed the signs. She missed Rachel practically telling her that she was going to off herself when they were on that train.

But there she was, a live and looking well, and it still hurt.

"How are you?"

"I… I'm good thanks." It was awkward. No one knew what to say. Santana and Quinn, even Casey, kept looking from Rachel to her plate like she was… she didn't even know what it was like, just that she didn't like it.

"Are you coming back to school?"

"Yeah… soon."

"Cool."

"Yeah…"

"Come on Santana. We have to go." Quinn impatiently urged. "Bye!" She said and tried to pull Santana away. But she stopped Quinn and walked up to Rachel. Leaning down, she quietly said, "We need to talk." Her hand went to Rachel's shoulder. "He misses you. We all do." And after that, she left.

"That was…"

"Awkward." Rachel finished for Casey. "Can we go home?"

She wanted to say yes, but… "You're not done with your food."

"We can take it to go… Please? I can't be here."

Watching her rock in her seat, her hand gripped painfully tight around her wrist, Casey had no choice but to comply. She looked like she was about to implode. "Ok Rachel. Just breathe."

"I am breathing!" And she wanted to cry. The way they looked at her… It was… She wasn't ready for any of this.

"You need to calm down. You're ok." But she wasn't. Not in her head she wasn't.

"I need to get out of here." So many thoughts and so much anxiety. It was overwhelming her. She needed to see them on her own terms and their surprise run in was certainly not part of the plans for the day.

Casey held out a hand and pulled Rachel up and to her, wrapping her in a hug. "Let's pay and we'll be out of here."

"Fine."

Rachel spent the eternity that was the five minute wait just thinking and fidgeting. It shouldn't have bothered her nearly as much as it did. They didn't say anything particularly triggering. It was more the act of facing them when she spent the whole day in a state of discomfort; a day spent in her head preparing to talk to Casey. And then she remembered she still had to do that and all her old habits were looking more and more appealing.

The day sucked, but she had to see it through. That was what she and her therapist had been working on that week. She needed to let people in and talk about the hard stuff. "They can't help you if they don't know what the problem is." The doctor said. And she wasn't letting up.

Casey was happy to get them out of there. She didn't know what it was that set her off, but her niece looked like she was one insufficient breathe away from a panic attack. She was due for some of her anxiety meds. "Your mom should be home soon." She attempted conversation on the ride. Unfortunately, it just made her antsier. "Rachel, what's going on? Talk to me. Did that girl say something to you? Did something happen while I was in the store paying? Is it… is it the food?"

"No… No it's… Can we go to your house?

"You have to tell me what's going on Hon… I know today wasn't easy for you…"

"How would you know that?!" She was angry and upset and she couldn't really pinpoint why which only fueled the fire. It was easy to do that these days. "How could you possibly know what's in my head when I don't even know?!"

Well, at least they were getting somewhere… "You're right." She tried to be the calm to Rachel's storm. They were waiting for the first blowout. Casey was thinking maybe it was time. And, honestly, she was grateful it was happening with her there instead of Shelby. She loved her sister and she knew the younger Corcoran could handle it, but she was also as emotionally charged as Rachel was. And it wasn't that Casey herself wasn't, just that she knew how to restrain it a lot better than her sister. She could see the buildup in her niece. There was a lot she had been holding back and she wanted to let some of it out in one way or another. In part, it was going to happen that night, they just didn't know it yet.

"I know I'm right! On any given day, I can't tell one thought from the net. I can't figure out if what I'm feeling is real or not. But I do know it all feels terrible. I wake up and sometimes I feel like things are better. And they are… but then it just gets hard. Then I start to feel and no amount of medicine can make that better. I'm numb and I'm so full of everything all the time that I just… I don't want to keep hating myself Casey." She cried. "I don't want to keep hating myself… But… sometimes… I think that's what I deserve."

"Rachel." She pulled over to offer comfort. "You don't deserve this."

"I do. I deserve this. I deserve to feel this way and to live… to live this in between state of perpetual nothing where unhappy is always tangible but happiness seems so far away."

"No… You don't. You deserve to be happy and healthy Rachel."

"You don't know…"

"I do. I know."

"No… you don't know what I've done… All the things I did wrong." She shook her head repeatedly while continually saying, "You don't know. You don't know."

"Look at me. Please Rachel." She wasn't budging. "Please look at me. Honey, no matter what you think you've done. You don't need to punish yourself for it. Stop judging yourself. Stop hurting yourself. You deserve better."

"No… I don't. I'm a terrible person. You don't know. You can say that now, but you don't know."

"Then tell me Rachel. Tell me what I don't know."

"I don't want to… I can't… I just can't." Through the tears and hysterics, Casey was able to hear what she said. Her attempts to keep her calm were all fails. All she could do was aid Rachel though her breathing techniques and be there for her. So, that was what she did. She managed to get Rachel to relax enough until thy pulled up in front of Shelby's house instead of hers. "Wha-what are we doing here?" She hiccupped. "I don't want to be here. We were supposed to go to your house."

"And we are. I promise. No one's home yet. I need to grab your meds while you grab some clothes, ok? Do that and then we're out of there."

"Promise?"

"I do. I promise."

The girl reverted back into herself, but she did as she was asked. As Casey went into the locked medicine cabinet, she ran to her room to grab what she needed as quickly as possible. But something slowed her down. There was something she had been putting off that the day reminded her she needed to face. And maybe she wasn't ready, but soon she'd have to be. And, ready or not, life didn't happen on her time schedule. So she grabbed the small package from the bag she never fully unpacked and slipped it in with her clothes.

She was out by the car waiting in no time and Casey wasn't slowing her down either. But she was, once again, quiet. Casey knew she was still in the adjustment phase. Life in rehab was a lot more guarded and safe than the real world. They couldn't control everything out there and Rachel was bound to run into triggers and issues. So, the emotional up and down she was on was excited, but that didn't make it any easier to witness. The pain her niece was in was still so obvious to her and it pained her that she couldn't do much to take it away.

But she was determined, still, to do all she could even if that meant only listening or telling her a million times that she deserves to be happy and healthy and loved. All of that was true, and, she knew on some level that Rachel knew that too. Knowing, however, and believing were two separate things and she needed to make them both connect in her niece.

"We're here."

"I can see that." She snapped. "Sorry. I guess… I'm on edge."

"Come on. Let's go inside and you can tell me why."

"I…" She couldn't say no. Casey was giving her that, 'I'm not asking, I'm telling you' look. "Yeah, ok."

It took some doing, but Casey finagled Rachel inside and set her up with a snack and some of her meds. She knew that would help. The anxiety meds were, though not something to be relied upon, something they were grateful for and definitely necessary for the transition stage. They talked to Dr. Becks and the new therapist about it. After a few months, if she was still doing well, they'd start to taper her off the medications and see how she faired. As much as they wanted that and wanted her not to rely on the meds, they knew how much they helped her too.

They were sitting silently at the island, sipping tea and, not so much eating as staring at the snack. "Please eat Rachel."

"Casey…"

"Come on Rachel. I don't want to make this a fight, but you need to eat."

"Casey I…"

"Please."

"I'm trying to say I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For… for being such a mess all the time."

"You know Rachel… I don't see you as a mess. You're struggling, but we all do at some point in some way. We all have moments where it feels like the world is ending and everything is falling apart. But we get through them, just like you did and continue to do."

"I just… I don't understand why it's me."

"Why what's you?"

"Why I'm so messed up all the time or why I feel like the world's about to end at least once every day. And it's my fault. Why do I keep doing stupid things? Why am I so stupid?"

"Don't call yourself stupid Rachel." She demanded. You're not stupid. You are amazing."

"I don't feel amazing."

"But you are."

"Why do I feel like this? Why do things keep happening? What do I keep doing wrong?"

"You're not doing anything. Things… things just happen sometimes."

"Not like this… Not over and over, one thing after another. I had to have done something to deserve this."

"You didn't honey." Casey pulled her into a hug, one Rachel fell into, glad for the embrace. "You didn't do anything."

"Then why? First my mom wanted nothing to do with me… then dads stopped loving me… they stopped showing up for recitals, stopped caring about competitions, missed birthdays… then they just stopped coming home all together." She admitted. "Then my mom comes back into my life only to tell me we should appreciate each other from afar. I wasn't what she wanted and she went and got a newer, better, more loveable version to care for. And then she comes back… and flips my life… and my dads die and I'm forced to live with her and… and then the baby happened and… and…"

Casey's eyes opened wide. She may have had her ideas and theories, but Rachel never once actually mentioned a baby. "Baby?" Rachel pulled away when she heard that. She hadn't meant to say it aloud then, but she did. And with tears in her eyes, looking to her aunt, she was about to speak when a new voice entered.

"Honey, I'm home." Unsuspecting Rachel realized it was Mark. They didn't hear the front door open, and both were too focused on each other to respond. "Case? Babe? I saw your car in the driveway. You home?" He went through his routine, put his suit jacket and briefcase on the rack before loosening his tie and walking to the kitchen for a glass of water. "Casey?" He tried calling again. "If I find you with a mouthful of that mousse again, I'm going to be mad if you didn't save me so-oh…" he noticed the room's heavy atmosphere. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No." Rachel answered quickly wiping away her tears. "You're not."

He looked to Casey for confirmation that he wasn't, but she still had a flabbergasted look on her face. "Ok, well… What's this?" He walked over to them pointing to the snack on the table. "What kind of crap is your aunt feeding you? No wonder it's untouched. How about I conjure us up some real food? Some crepes with tomato, spinach, and broccoli sound good?"

"Sure." Rachel said knowing they were going to force her to eat anyway, it might as well taste better than the prepackaged crap she was going to have. I'm going to run to the bathroom and wash my hands so I can help. Be right back." She tried to hurry off.

"Rachel." Casey stopped her.

"I know. The door stays open."

"Ok. Go."

With her out of the room, Mark greeted with wife properly with a kiss and a hug. "What was that about? Something happen?"

"No… Yeah… It's been an interesting day. And that girl and I are going to have a long talk later."

"Uh oh… Someone's in trouble."

"No… I just… You know she has been through a lot… But you don't really_ know_ until she lays it all on the table for you."

"Did she say something?"

"Yeah… It's… I think I knew. Or, I thought I did. But I don't…"

"You're speaking in riddles now Case."

"I know." She sighed. "She has just been so hurt and… I didn't want to be right about this. I think I am… I don't know. She's just a kid Mark. She should be doing kid things, not hurting herself and hating the life she lives, always looking down on herself."

"That's true Casey. She should be carefree and happy. I can't imagine how much more of an amazing kid she'd be if she was happy with herself, but I do hope we find out soon."

"Me too."

"You should go check on her. I know you want to and it's fully quiet in there."

"I'm going to give her a minute. She's tired of crying in front of us. I try to tell her it doesn't, but I know it makes her feel weak."

"Oh," He quirked his eyebrows, "So I have my wife all to myself for a few minutes? Alone time's so hard to come by these days. You're such a hot commodity."

"I was always a hot commodity."

"I don't disagree."

"I'm sorry I've been so absent."

"I was just teasing Casey. This is perfect. I can't get sick of you if I only see you every so often." He joked.

She playfully swatted him. "Stop it."

"You know I'd keep you by my side 24/7 if I could."

"Me too."

"You should go. I can feel the anxiety rolling off of you. Go make sure she's ok."

"I'm ok." Rachel interrupted. "No need to worry about me."

"Well alright then. How about a cooking lesson Rachel?"

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. You should take advantage of that. Mark's a master chef."

"Are you going to cook too?"

"We can make it a threesome. Right Mark?"

"Alright, if we must." He smiled at Rachel. "You get to lead the brigade young lady. Use the power wisely. We'll be your sous chefs today."

"Casey?"

"Yeah?"

"I think he lost it."

"I don't think he ever had it."

"Now, now. No teasing. You'll break my old man heart. It's fragile you know."

The afternoon went much like that. It went from heavy to lighthearted and fun just like that. Of course, that wasn't the end of the emotional parts, but it was a nice reprieve. The three worked together to create meal, Rachel asking all kinds of cooking questions and soaking up all the information she could, and Mark happy to have someone who wanted to know about his hobby. He liked to consider himself a talented enthusiast in the kitchen. And it was nice to have a new pupil to teach.

Casey really just loved watching them interact. It brought out a side of Rachel and her husband that she didn't see all too often. There weren't many stable adult males in Rachel's life so it was all new to her. Her fathers weren't there as much in the later years where things like this took place. That's what it could've been like. And she knew that. With Mark, it was like seeing him as this overprotective big bear of a dad. They had a son. Raising a boy was so different than raising a girl and it showed in the moments they were together. It made Casey a little sad that they never had that second child, but it also made her happy that Rachel could give him that experience. They could give it to each other. It was amazing to witness.

Her phone rang pulling her out of her stalkerish observing. "It's Shelby." She told them. "I'm going to talk to her in the other room. Finish up without me." She said and excused herself.

"I think she just wanted an excuse to me lazy." Mark teased making Rachel laugh. Rachel found cooking fun. It was never really a chore when she had to cook for herself growing up, but it wasn't a fun activity either. It was a necessity until it became her excuse to not eat. But doing it with her family, learning about the foods, it helped in a way. It's like a song you created. The artistry must flow and, when one right, can create a beautiful ending. But it was the effort Mark was putting into her, the time he was giving her, and the sheer caring feel he gave off that made her question so many things.

"Is this what it was like for Danny growing up?" It seemed like a random question to ask. And, to the population outside her head, it was. But she needed to know.

"What do you mean?" The question caught him off guard.

"It's so… normal… and loving… I… I almost don't remember what that's really like."

"I'm sorry to hear that. You'd really need to ask him but, yeah, I'd say this was what it was like for Danny. We tried to do this every so often. We'd just cook together be together. And I really am sorry if it wasn't like that for you growing up. But you see… Casey and I… we're as boring and painfully normal as they come. And if you ever need to be reminded, our doors are always open to you. You are always welcome here."

"Why?"

"Why? Why what?" He didn't understand what she was asking. He honestly didn't think what he said left room for question.

"Why do you try so hard with me? Why are you so normal with me after everything? And how can you welcome me when all I do is keep your wife away from you?"

"Trust me, you're doing me a favor. That aunt of yours is a handful."

"I'm being serious Mark."

"Me too Rachel." He made sure he had her attention and said, "Here's the deal. I like you. You're my family. Maybe you've never really had the ideal family, but what they do is stick by the ones they love. It might take some getting used to, but there is no reason. No real one at least. Why am I normal with you? How else would I be? I don't see any reason not to be. Do you?"

"I could think of a few."

"Don't think then. There's nothing wrong with who you are and there's no reason for me to treat you like there is. Fact of the matter is, you're stuck with us kid. Treating you any different would serve no purpose. You've had it rough, and I know what that's like. You can count on me kid. Anytime. Just like you can count on Casey."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." He nudged her playfully and instructed her to pour the batter into the pan. "So, I'd really like to have that day out I was promised."

"Me too."

"Any ideas?"

"Well, I've had a lot of fun cooking with you… Maybe we can do this again?"

"You had fun?" She nodded. "I've got a better idea. There's a community center one town over that has nutritional cooking lessons. I was planning to try to get your aunt to go with me, but she'd rather eat what I make than help me make it." That wasn't completely true, but he was trying to sell his case. He was a part of the family unit they were creating for her and he discussed it with them. He wanted her to be able to trust him and count on him. Spending time with him would make that happen. "And I like it that way. I like cooking for her and with her, but I like cooking with you too. Why don't we take that together?"

"You'd… You'd want to do that with me?"

"There's no one else I'd want to do it with."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Then… yeah… I think I'd like that."

"Me too." She stopped what she was doing and hugged him. They've had their moments, but this particular one was very important to their relationship. He was always in the circle. All the family was, but he was also on the outside looking in. It felt like he was actually part of the healing process in that moment.

"Go set the table please. I'll keep an eye out on the food."

"Alright."

Unbeknownst to them, Casey witnessed the whole thing and it warmed her heart to no end. She married a great man and she was so happy Rachel was experiencing some form of what normal and happy looked like. The fact that they were boding more meant so much to her when she felt like she'd been so far away from him lately. Their lives were so full of drama that the scene was so surreal. But it was perfect.

Casey walked in as Rachel walked out and moved right to her husband. "You're amazing." She told him.

"I know. But why am I amazing this time?"

"You just are."

Dinner was uneventful, in the best way possible. Rachel was proud of the dish they created. And yes, the issues were still there. And she felt guilty for eating, like she needed to go running to burn it off or punish herself in some way. But being with them reminded her that she couldn't. And she didn't need to. That wasn't a feeling she felt very often, so she was going to hold onto it.

She still didn't eat all of it. But a step was taken. She did well that day. For that, they were all proud. All the talking was pretty distracting too. Rachel realized that's what they were trying to do. People tended to get really chatty or really awkward around mealtime with her, but they just tried to keep it easy and normal.

It was a change. It was nice. It still wasn't a cure all. The thoughts were still racing, but they were helping her through. She did ask to go to the bathroom after though. Of course, they politely told her they didn't want her to for reasons she knew. And, if she were truly being honest, she knew they were right. If she did, she would've talked herself into purging. It was still a natural reaction for her, but she would've tried to combat her thoughts like she'd been doing.

They didn't want her to have to try to talk herself out of anything. It was a hard day even though it had some good moments too. And Casey and Rachel knew she wanted her old release. She craved it. But she couldn't give into it. So she stayed with them. They all did dishes together and cleaned up.

It was all so mundane yet so powerful. She wasn't sure why it was helping.

Later that night, Casey sent Rachel to go get ready for bed while she and Mark did the same. As she was changing, she saw Mark looking at her through the mirror, adoration and love written all over his face. "Did I ever say thank you?" She asked.

"For what?"

"For loving me… for being such a great uncle to her… treating her like she's your own daughter. You're so good to her and to me."

"As far as I'm concerned Casey, she's your family and that makes her mine. I love that kid too. From what I gather, she needs a man in her life that isn't going to leave her or push her, but just be there. Besides, you know I always wanted a daughter."

"I do know that." She kissed him. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you that."

"Never be sorry for nature. We didn't get our daughter and I'm sad about that. I know you are too. That was a painful time for us. I will always be sad about what happened, but I see now that maybe we were meant to focus on Daniel and learn how to be parents so we could handle Rachel's situation. You're the best mom I know. We may not have our own biological daughter, but we have a daughter in Rachel. We're like a herd of elephants. We raise all the kids together. And I wouldn't change that. I couldn't love any daughter of ours more than I already love Rachel." He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. With a gentle laugh, he locked eyes with her in the mirror and said, "Besides, have you seen that girl. She looks just like you. Acts like you too. I heard the stories of your youth. Tell me you didn't see any girl we could've had being just like her." Hopefully healthier, but personality wise.

"Hopefully, we would've treated her better than she has been treated."

"No doubt. She would've been our little princess."

"A daddy's girl huh?"

"You bet your ass. No guys would go anywhere near my baby."

"Boys…" It reminded her of the conversation she had to have with her niece. "I… I really need to talk to her. She said something earlier that… So much has happened Mark. Not only has she been through so much with the eating disorder and Shelby, but there's still so much we don't even know about. Thing that a little girl like her shouldn't have to go through."

"She's tough Case. You and Shelby have taught her that. Yes, she's been through more than anyone should, she's made some bad choices, had some bad choices made for her. But she survived. She's still fighting. And, don't tell your sister, but I think she gets that from you. All of her relationships are so complicated because of the way things went down with Shelby. She wronged that girl and it left its scars. You kind of took on the mother role because you were the clean slate. You knew how to be with her and treat her and it was easier for her with you. Shelby hurt her and it made forging a relationship hard. Many things led Rachel doubt people. But me and you, we'll make sure she knows she will always have us. No matter what, we're here to catch her when she falls. Sometimes, we'll even catch her before the fall, and there will be times when we're going to need to let her go down because that's how kids grow and learn. But she'll know that we all love her and care about her no matter what. Unconditionally."

"I love you so much Mark. And I love that you love her and want to be there for her too."

"I love you too Casey. I will be here for you and our family from now 'til the end of time."

"Promise?"

"Just try and get rid of me, I'm not going anywhere."

"You better not. I'll have to hurt you."

"You couldn't hurt a fly."

"I couldn't hurt you."

"No, you couldn't hurt anyone. Now," he gave her one last kiss. "Go take care of her. And, since I have a feeling I'm going to be falling asleep in an empty bed, I'm going to say goodnight now."

"Thank you for being so understanding. I know I've been spending a lot of time with her and my sister…"

"It's for a good reason. And I'm a good sharer. I love seeing you be a mother figure to that girl just like I love seeing you with our son. And I wouldn't change where we are for anything. Despite all the bad, Rachel brought this family closer. I wouldn't wish her struggles on anyone, but she made this entire group of crazies band together into one supportive unit. It takes one hell of a person to do that. Make sure she knows that."

"I will."

"Good. Now go. I need my cake and crime drama end of the night wind down and some beauty sleep." He winked at her. "I'll cook us all a nice breakfast in the morning."

With a smile on her face, she left him there and went to Rachel. She had to mentally prepare herself. She knew there was something Rachel needed to talk to her about and now she had something she needed to address. Whether or not the two topics were one in the same had yet to be seen. But, she had to go in there with an open mind and a control on her emotions. She didn't want to push Rachel or upset her further, but this was a conversation they needed to have and it was better they had it there without Shelby present.

"Knock, knock." Casey said as she stood in the opened doorway.

"Hi Casey."

"Can I come in?"

"It's your house. I can't really say no."

"You can, but I'd hope you wouldn't."

"Come in Casey." She knew what was coming. She'd been avoiding it, even avoiding spending alone time with her in hopes Casey wouldn't bring it up in front of Mark. It worked, but, again, it was just putting off the inevitable. She needed to talk about it anyway. That was her assignment. And it was overdue.

"Thanks." She sat on the bed next to Rachel as Rachel placed the book she was reading on the nightstand. "What are you reading?"

"Just some book I need to fish for class."

"Are you almost caught up?"

"All my work that's due when I come back is done."

"Wow, that was done fast."

"I know." She needed to keep busy.

"Well, now you can just relax until you go back."

"Yeah." Relax. Sure.

"You comfortable?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Good."

They settled into a passive silence. Both had things on their mind and a hesitancy to approach it. Ignoring it, though, wouldn't make it go away. Still, it was a sensitive topic and it had to be broached correctly in the best way possible. Sitting there and avoiding each other's gaze wasn't the way.

"Rachel… We need to talk."

"I know." She sighed.

"Earlier you said…" Did she just come out and ask what she needed to as or did she work her way to in? "A lot has happened in your life. And I don't believe for a second that we know it all. But… you mentioned something that needs to be addressed." That seemed to work as a lead in. Rachel was staring at her intently. "You said something about… about a baby. I want… I need to know what you meant."

"I…" She went through that very conversation, practicing how she'd tell her aunt a million times since the therapist suggested she talk to Casey. Even so, she was at a loss. "There was… It… I…" She stuttered.

"Rachel…" She never wanted to actually ask this, she never wanted it to truly be a possibility, and she certainly hoped it wasn't true. But there they were. "Were you… Were you pregnant?"

"I…" Be honest, she told herself. She had to. If there was anyone she could talk to, it was Casey. The therapist told her she needed to trust and open up. She needed to deal with the trauma, and she couldn't do that alone. "Yes." She whispered.

Oh god… "Did you…When I took you to the clinic that day… Did you have an abortion?'

"What?!" She was taken by surprise. "No… No… No."

"No?" That eased some of guilt and pain she was feeling. Casey put the idea out of her head for a while because there were more pressing matters to contend to, but it was always in the back of her mind. The thought that her niece felt so alone and isolated that she was desperate enough for an abortion rather than to tell them about the baby made her feel terrible with guilt and empathy. She was just a kid. But that left the question, if she didn't have an abortion, what happened?

Her head shook. "No… I couldn't… I wouldn't…" And while everyone had the right to choose, she couldn't have chosen that… She knew that about herself.

"Then Rachel… What happened to the baby?"

Her entire body tensed and just like that the waterworks began. "I didn't know." She said. "I didn't know."

Scooting closer, she asked, "Didn't know what?"

"I didn't know I was… I didn't know… I killed it… I killed my baby." She sobbed into her aunt's chest.

"Shh Rachel. It's ok. You're ok." She cajoled, rubbing a hand on Rachel's back. "Tell me what happened."

"I… I didn't know I was pregnant." She started, her voice shaky with tears. "It was after our competition. Mom told me to go out and celebrate with my friends. I wasn't feeling well for most of the day, but I didn't think anything of it… It… It wasn't that bad…" She sniffled. "We went out and I needed some air. That was when I ran into Jesse again."

"Jesse?"

"Mom's old prodigy… the one that took my heart and stomped on it with Shelby's blessing." It came out hostile, which it should've, but she knew that wasn't exactly the truth. What he did wasn't completely on Shelby.

"Okay…" Yeah, she wasn't going to touch that one yet. One past crisis at a time.

"I walked home after that."

"At night? All the way from the skating place?"

"Yeah…" Casey had to remind herself to focus on the bigger issue. Her dangerous late night strolls weren't the big picture problem.

"Continue."

"The next morning I heard mom and grandma talking and I needed out of the house. I ended up at the bowling alley with a bunch of the glee club…"

"What happened?"

"We were about to eat and I felt sick."

"You wanted to avoid the food?"

"No… No, it wasn't even that. That whole week there was just something wrong. I didn't feel right, but I didn't think much of it… If I was sick, it was my fault, so I didn't say anything."

"You could have and should have said something Rachel. Your health shouldn't be toyed with."

"I know… I know I should have." If she did, maybe things would've been different. Instead they ended up where they did. And there she was, crying again. "But I couldn't. And then I started to hurt. Everything felt like it hurt, but I could barely move the pain was so bad. I managed to get outside in time to vomit."

"You made yourself sick?"

"No… I didn't do that intentionally…"

"Then what happened?"

"One of the glee kids found me. She was going to get help but I made her stop. I didn't want you guys to know… I thought it was my fault… I thought…"

"You thought it was from the eating disorder or the cutting?"

"Yeah…"

"But it wasn't?"

"No… She wanted to take me to the hospital but I wouldn't let her. I made her take me to the clinic."

"Shaw Clinic? Where you asked me to take you?"

"Yes. I tried to get her to leave when we got there. And I lied about my name and age. I didn't want them calling mom…" Her emotions were running high. Both of theirs were. "When the doctor saw me, he saw the cuts and was going to make the appropriate calls to get me help."

"But he didn't…"

"No… I convinced him not to… Told him I had someone I was seeing…"

"That worked?"

"Kind of… I don't know… Most of that time is a very vivid blur…" She squeezed her eyes shut tight. "Until he told me what was wrong."

"What did he say?" She stayed silent, her eyes still shut tight as she got lost in the thoughts. "Rachel?"

"I just thought I was getting my period…" She finally answered. And it hit Casey hard… She knew where this was going, she'd been there herself, but she didn't think of that happening to her niece… "The cramps, the blood… It was… I hadn't had one in a while and I just thought it was normal…"

"But it wasn't?"

"No… It wasn't…"

"Rachel I'm so…" She wouldn't let her aunt finish the statement. She just needed to finish the story and be done with it.

"After I found out, I just wanted out. I didn't want to be there or see anyone. But he came into my room and said she overheard the doctor talking and knew what happened. I tried to push her away. I didn't want sympathy from her. She hated me. And I couldn't escape her. How could she expect me to want her comfort when her baby lived and she lived in my home every day?"

"Beth's birth mother?" That surprised her.

"Quinn tried to be nice and that was weird, but I didn't want her to be nice. I didn't deserve her to be nice. I needed her to be horrible to me like she always was. But she wouldn't, even when I was." She relived the memory. I broke down with Quinn when I tried to break out of the clinic, but she tried to help me and kept me from leaving."

"I'm glad she did."

Rachel ignored her and continued on. "They sent a psychiatrist to talk to me. After that, they gave me some antibiotics and pain meds before letting me go. Quinn offered to let me stay with her. Her mom was out of town and she had a room I could use. But I couldn't stay there any longer. The next morning I walked home."

"…In the rain. That's when I saw you soaking wet and shivering. I knew something was wrong. You weren't acting right."

"You barely knew me. How would you know what right was?"

"Because I knew… Is that why you were asking about my first time? Was it your first time?"

"Yes… No… It was only one guy… And… he was good to me."

"I'm thankful he was…" They'd talk about that more later. "Does he know?"

"He found out, yes."

"I'm sorry Rachel. I wish you said something… I wouldn't have dragged you around from store to store shopping that day. I would've tried to help."

"You couldn't help. No one could. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want anyone there either."

"I could've tried."

"But I wouldn't let you. I wanted to feel that pain because I deserved it."

"No one deserves to lose a child Rachel." She should've seen it. The girl as a mess those few days. Waking in the middle of the night crying, saying over and over it was her fault and she'd be better… They should've looked deeper.

This was when the floodgates really broke. She may have talked about it with her therapists, but this was different. "I was sad… I didn't know… And, and I couldn't feel anything. I killed my baby Casey. I did it. It was my fault." She broke down. "It was my fault. I killed it. I did that."

"No… No baby, no."

"Yes I did. If I took care of myself… If I… I deserved it. I deserved to feel that pain… But he didn't. I hurt him. I killed our baby."

"You didn't kill it Rachel. You didn't do it."

"Yes I did! I was making myself sick Casey. I wasn't taking care of myself, so the baby died. It died because of me. We lost our baby because I'm stupid and I deserved it. I'm a horrible person. I just hurt people. It's all my fault."

Rather than repeat once more words that Rachel refused to hear, Casey took a different approach. "Am I a horrible person?" She asked.

"Wha-what?" She hiccupped.

Casey too was teary eyed and desperately trying to keep it together. "If you lost your baby because you're a horrible person, does that mean I'm a horrible person too?"

"You… you lost your baby?"

Casey sat up straight in the bed, Rachel doing the same. Passing her niece a tissue, she spoke on. "I was pregnant a few years after we had Danny."

"But you don't have another kid."

"No, I don't."

"So you lost it?"

"After Danny was born, the C-section left me with scar tissue that made having another baby difficult. Getting pregnant was hard, but it did happen. We kept it to ourselves though, because it was a tough ride. And…" She was trying to remain composed. That was a difficult time for her so she could understand what Rachel went through. "We went in for a regular checkup when we found out we lost our daughter."

"It was a girl?"

"Yeah, she was. And I was sad and I blamed myself…"

"I'm so sorry Casey. I'm so sorry."

"Me too Rachel. But am I a horrible person?"

"No…"

"Did I deserve to lose her?"

"No…"

"Neither did you."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not telling you this so you'll be sorry Rachel. I just want you to see that these things, as terrible and painful as they are, can happen to everyone. It doesn't make it your fault and it doesn't mean you're horrible or you deserved it. Neither of us deserved that pain. It is unspeakable. But it happened. All we can do is grieve and find a way to keep going."

"I'm sorry about your daughter Aunt Casey. You're a great mom. Any daughter would've loved you."

"Thank you Rachel." She hugged her, wiping the tears from her eyes as she did. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Casey?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I made you take me back to the clinic that day without telling you why. I wish I knew how to let you in, but I didn't… I couldn't. I didn't feel like I deserved the comfort I knew you would've given me."

"I wish I could've tried Rachel, but you're talking to me now. This is such a painful thing to go through, and you're so young… We're going to have to talk about this Rachel… You're too young to have kids and I know you know about safe sex… So we're going to discuss this, but not now… I don't know about you, but I'm drained and I'm sad… for what we both went through. But, I'm happy that I'm here with you."

"Me too."

"So let's try to relax and we'll talk more later."

"I'm sorry I made you sad and disappointed you."

"No matter what you do Rachel, we will always love you. And sometimes we will be disappointed or upset by the choices you make, but it won't change how we feel about you."

"I'm starting to get that."

"I know you are."

"Will you stay with me for a little while?"

"I have nowhere else I'd want to be but here."

"Thank you for not hating me… for not judging me and for just being here for me."

"Whenever you need me, I'm here."

Both women were clearly upset. A lot of feelings and memories were brought up for both of them. The tears and thoughts were plentiful, but like they always did, they got through it. Once it seemed Rachel was asleep, though she was faking, Casey slipped out of the bedroom and went to her own.

"Hey, you ok?" Mark asked when he heard her sniffle.

"No."

"Will you just hold me? I need you to hold me,"

"Come here then. Let me love you." Casey got into bed with her husband as he cuddled up behind her, arms embracing her. And that was where they stayed, nestled in each other's warm embrace seeking love and comfort until the morning sun woke them the next day. He didn't ask questions. He knew she'd tell him when she had the chance. Until then, he'd do what he could to comfort her.

In the other room, exhausted as she was from the talk with her aunt, she couldn't sleep. Faking it so she could be alone, she got Casey to leave. Emotions still running high, she thought, maybe it was about time she read the letters from her friends. She knew what she wrote to them in her goodbye, but she never gave them the same courtesy of reading their thoughts. At the time, she just couldn't. She was fragile and, though in a safe place, felt so unsafe. She didn't want to open herself up to it.

But now she had to. Running into Santana proved that. And she needed to know what she'd be facing when she went back to school. So, she reached into the clothes she brought with her to Casey's, and wrapped inside the shirt was a package of envelopes.

It was time. She needed to read them and face the people she hurt. It needed to be done. She needed to heal. One weight was lifted as her aunt gave her a reaction so unlike what she expected. People could surprise her. And she hoped the people she hurt by her actions could find it in their hearts to forgive her too so maybe, she could truly forgive herself.

**Collective response to all reviews: You are all so amazing for sticking with this story and my craziness. Thank you for that. We'll get there as the end is nigh. I can't tell you how much it means to know people are still reading and interested even when I take forever to update and probably drive you nuts. I will update again as soon as I can. I won't give exact dates because I don't need that stress of a deadline and I don't know what will get in the way from now until then. Just know, it will be updated. I will complete this story.**

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **


	43. The Return of Rachel

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

**Any readers left out there, thought I'd tell you there are only 2 more chapters left! That's it! I'm kind of sad, but it's for the best. Every good thing must come to an end. Hope you enjoy the update. Read on.**

**Chapter 43: The Return of Rachel**

Rachel was going back to school in a few short days. It was Saturday morning and come Monday, it was back into the fray of it. She wasn't looking forward to it. Even less after she read all the notes from her friends. She was right about what was in them, partially. There was a generic letter, or card rather, with signatures and short wishes of get well and feel better. There were even an "I miss you" or two and caring thoughts. But that was all from the people who didn't know. They didn't know what truly transpired and where she was. To them she was just sick. But, to the few that did know, she was sick, but she was hurting too.

The letters from three people in particular really hit her hard. Kurt, Puck, and especially Santana, really let her know how it was. Mostly, their words boiled down to the same message. They were hurt and sad and they wished she came to them. They were upset with her, but they forgive her and they'd still be there for her when they saw her again. And, most importantly, they loved her; in their own way of course.

Her heart ached after reading them. She spent so much time pushing everyone away that she didn't see what she had. She only saw what she felt she had; nothing. But she had them in her corner. They were cheering her on and routing for her to win. She was the only one banking on her failure. She just never gave them the chance to help her. And, it was clear, they tried.

After reading the letters, she couldn't ignore them all any longer, but she didn't trust herself to call or talk to them in person. So, she simply extended her first ice breaker of sorts, a simple text dished out to all three. _I'm sorry. I miss you._

It was late and she didn't expect them to answer at all, but they did. Three replies came within minutes of each other not long after she sent it out. _I love you Diva. I miss you too. Can I come over tomorrow?_ By then, everyone knew she was back and they were simply waiting for her return.

Nervous as she was, she typed _Yes. Call you in the morning._ before she could change her mind. She owed it to him and she owed it to herself to allow friends in; to allow herself to have friends.

Santana's was a straightforward response. _We still need to talk munchkin. Glad you're back. _Rachel told her she knew they needed to and that they would talk soon.

Puck's reply caught her off guard. _Open your window._ What? She immediately peered through the shades and out of the glass. There he was. Noah, just standing there in the dark waiting for her looking more handsome than ever. She quickly stepped away, inhaling a deep breath. She could do it. She could face him. So she kept telling herself that. Opening the window was a bad idea, a sure way for her to get caught by Shelby and she wasn't looking for any more trouble. Time to put her practice of stealth to good use.

She snuck down the stairs, disarmed the alarm, and opened the front door. When she did, Puck looked deflated, his head bowed and like he was about to walk away. "Going somewhere?" She asked.

"Rachel!" There was that winning smile. "I thought you weren't going to let me in."

"I'm not."

"Oh." And it was gone again.

"I want to. But I can't." She assured him. "I can't get in any more trouble Noah. If Shelby even sees me out here I'm toast."

"Ok." He approached her. "Wow."

Shyly under the scrutiny of his eyes, she asked, "What?"

"You just, you look great."

"Thanks."

"I really missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Can I hug you?"

"Only if you kiss me too." That was her attempt at bold; a bravado she wasn't really feeling.

"I can do that."

It wasn't one of those huge romantically passionate hugs from the movies. Instead, it was like a beginning. He took her in his arms and held her there like he'd been fighting for it for so long. And they both had. It was accurate. He just had her there and didn't want to let her go again. "I almost lost you."

"I'm sorry." She whispered back.

"Don't ever do that again."

"I won't."

"God Rachel." He finally, though very hesitantly let her go, his hands going to either of her cheeks so he could really look her in the eyes. She could see the tears wetting his eyes and it broke her heart. She did that to him. "You can't do anything like this ever again. You can't push us away anymore. We love you too much for that. I love you." He told her. "Let us be here for you now. Please."

"I'm trying Noah. I swear I am. I'm better. I'm doing better."

"We lost our baby Rachel. We lost it and… and then I almost lost you." He didn't care that it wasn't manly to cry. He may have written it in the letter, but he needed to say it to her too. "Do you know what that did to me?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are. But you need to know that you matter. You matter to all of us and you can't just… You can't just go and decide you don't. You're more than just a voice in our glee club, you're my girlfriend and our friend. You're someone's daughter and niece and sister. You're a lot to so many people. You've been through so much shit and it all got hard. I know. But we could've helped. We tried to help. Why didn't you let us help?"

"I didn't know how." Rachel said truthfully. "I didn't know how to let any of you in, to see me so – so – flawed. I was broken Noah and I didn't think the pieces could be put back together."

"I'm so, so sorry I didn't do more for you… That I didn't stop all the bullying, that I… I'm just sorry for all of it."

"None of it is your fault. I promise you that. I do love you Noah. And I don't know if you can forgive me, but don't blame yourself. Forgive yourself because you didn't do this. I did." She took responsibility. "You all tried to help and I pushed you away. I wasn't ready for help then."

"And now? Are you ready now?"

"Yes." She answered. "I learned to be ready. I got help. And here I am. I'm ok. It's… It's still hard, but I'm here, and I'm trying."

"I wish… I wish things were different. That they didn't get so bad."

"Me too Noah."

"And I'm sorry you felt so alone that you tried to… That you did that."

"You can say it to me Noah. I tried to kill myself. That's on me. It's a fact I have to live with." As embarrassing as it was to her, she did do it to herself. "No one else is to blame for my choices."

"Did you read my letter? You never answered back. And you've been avoiding me."

"I've been avoiding everybody Noah. I did read it… I just… I didn't know how to face anyone after what I've done. I didn't know how it'd go."

"Nothing's changed."

"Everything has changed Noah. I've changed. We've been apart for a long time. I don't even know what it's like to be around normal people anymore. I don't know what kind of girlfriend I can be."

"You were all I could think about while you were away, even when you were here. You were always on my mind. So we've both changed. You changed me. So I'll take whatever I can get. We can take it slow."

"Can you love me for who I am now? Damaged, but healing? I'm not the same girl you first met at Temple or that outgoing loud mouth in the spotlight from freshman year."

"I love you for you Rach. You're still all those things. Now you're just so much more too."

"So… what does this mean for us? It's been months."

"Yeah… It's been months. They've been hard for all of us. And I've been missing you so bad. But I want to work on us too Rachel. I know I've never really been all…"

"Monogamous?"

"Yeah, that. I've never been good at the boyfriend thing. But with you I am. I didn't see anyone. You were all I could think about. All I can think about. I'm hoping you still want us to be an us."

"I do if you do."

"I do."

"So, are you going to kiss me now?" A small grin appeared on her lips.

He wiped away the tears in her eyes and pulled her to him. "Hell yeah." He spoke in typical Puck fashion. "I love you Rach." And with that, in that passionate reunion moment, slammed, yet still gentle, his lips against hers, lifting her off the ground and into his arms once more. "I'm so happy you're home. I'm so happy you're ok." He told her before whispering, "I forgive you. I love you and I forgive you." That was what she needed to hear. The begging of forgiveness in her letter to him was something he'd never forget. So, he knew she needed to hear those words.

"Thank you Noah. I love you too." Her head rested against his shoulder as she let him comfort her. She just needed to be with him. She had forgotten what it was like to be in his big strong arms, to feel his love even when her mind was playing tricks on her. "I promise to try Noah. That's all I can do."

"And I'll be here by your side. Always."

For the first time, she actually felt those words to be true. Not everyone would leave her and people did want to help her. "You should go before I get caught and we're never allowed to see each other again."

"Yeah." He didn't want to let her go. He didn't want to walk away. "No way I can stay?"

"I wish Noah, but I don't even have a door to my room. We'd get caught."

"Ok." He said sadly. "Just… remember I love you alright. I'll see you Monday at school?"

"I'll be there."

"Can't wait." He gave her one more kiss before leaving.

She returned to her bedroom feeling some unidentified form of calm and panic. She imagined that was the butterflies of love and the acceptance of help all rolled into one. She didn't want to live in fear and flux anymore. And, if she could help it, she wasn't going to. It was time to figure out her again. She'd been trying, but there was only so much she could do on her own.

It was time to accept that she had people who cared about and loved her and who wanted to support her. It used to annoy her. She used to see it as hovering, but, now, she realized it was just concern. And that concern was warranted. It didn't mean it was going to be easy, but it meant she was going to continue to try.

First though, she needed sleep. She was facing Kurt tomorrow. The late night text from Noah helped ease her slumber. _Thanks for coming back to me. For giving me a chance._

_Thank you for accepting me. _

_Love you babe._

_Love you too Noah._

People probably wouldn't believe it just by looking at him. They see his Mohawk and bad boy attitude and immediately write him off. But Puck was a real sweetie, a great guy, and an even better boyfriend… to Rachel anyway. He promised to stick by her, that was what the letter said. He was hurt, he was angry, and he was devastated. And he was mostly, upset with himself for not being there for her, for not getting her help sooner, for not stopping her; for not making her feel his love.

But she did feel it, in her own way. She just… It wasn't enough. She didn't feel ok with herself and no amount of love from others would get through until she managed some form of self-acceptance. So, she was working on it. She was spending many hours in therapy working on it. She'd get there at some point. Until then, she was willing to see that her thought process may be flawed, that not everyone viewed her the way she viewed herself. It was still a lot of work though. She supposed if it was easy, it wouldn't have been a problem in the first place.

The next morning, Rachel woke up at her normal time, back in the habit of school time minus the workout. She hadn't seen the elliptical since before rehab. She missed the routine of it all. She missed waking up a half hour early to do a workout, shower, and even eat before school. Granted, she couldn't remember the last time that happened in a way that didn't become or end in some type of self-punishment. It was way before things went to the extreme.

There were a lot of things she missed actually. Exercise was one. Sweets was another, they were one of her binge foods and she hadn't really enjoyed a good piece of cake since… Since she couldn't remember when. She missed singing and dance most of all. She missed being the voice that won the competitions and the structured dancer that put in the work. She just… She really missed being happy. The small teases of it she had experienced here and there made her realize that. She missed happy. She almost didn't remember what that was.

"Rachel, you awake?" Shelby asked.

"Yeah." She had been awake for a while now, but stayed in her bed just thinking.

"Come down for your meds while I make breakfast."

"I'll be right down. I'm just going to get dressed."

"Ok." She smiled and left her to do what she needed to do.

When she came down to the kitchen, Shelby had her medicines neatly placed in a little paper cup next to a glass of water just waiting for her. "Take them please."

"I am, don't worry. I know the drill."

"Good, do it."

She made an act of it, dramatically and very exasperatedly lifting the pills and bottle to her mouth, swallowing with a gulp and sighing when she was done. She knew Shelby watched her, even asking, on occasion, to open her mouth after so she could check that they were actually swallowed. What she didn't realize in her attempt to annoy her mother, she was really comforting her. Those kinds of actions, that drama queen flare, that was her Rachel. Her Rachel was coming back to her more and more each day.

"Oatmeal with nuts and fruit sound good?"

"Fine." She grabbed a carton from the fridge. "Can you put pomegranate juice on the grocery list?"

"Will do. Come get your food."

"Thanks." There was a whole lot less struggle during meal times these days. Though the internal war still raged on, she didn't complain and she fought the thoughts every bite of the way without any one being the wiser. "Would it… Would it be ok if Kurt comes over later? I mean, I may have already told him he could, but if that's not ok, I can call him and let him know not to come."

"You want to have a friend over?" She asked surprised.

"Yes."

"Alright." The thought made her happy. It meant the girl was finally making contact with the outside world before she was forced to. The therapist said to let her do it on her own time, and it was happening, so there was no way she was saying no. "As long as it's ok with Burt and Carole, then it's no problem. We're running to the store after breakfast so if there are any snacks you want for the two of you, write it down."

"Can't I stay home?" She asked timidly, already knowing the answer. The trust just wasn't there. She wasn't sure, but she could sense it.

"I… I don't feel comfortable with that yet Rachel. I know you'd be fine, but I'm your mom. I worry."

"Fine." It wasn't like she had a choice. She was glued to her mother's side still. The woman had yet to ease up on the nightly checks. If that wasn't humiliating enough, the bathroom watching and staring at her while she ate, or the tight invisible leash she had on her whenever she was forced out was pushing her to the edge.

But, it was her fault she was in the situation and those "precautions" were necessary. Bad choices led to consequences… Good times…

Their trip was quick and easy. They were in and out fairly fast and on their way home in no time. After helping put the groceries away, Rachel excused herself. "I want to shower and change into something else before he gets here." She explained.

"Ok. He'll be here shortly, so don't take too long."

"I won't."

She hurried as best she could. It actually took longer to find an outfit she thought Kurt would deem appropriate than it was for her to shower and do her hair. She was nervous, but she had to admit, she really missed him. The old friendship they had, was the first and only real one she ever had and she hoped she didn't lose it all. She hoped they could get back where they once were.

Meanwhile, Shelby was in the kitchen getting everything out she'd need for cooking. Casey came in through the back door immediately drawing her sister's attention. "Hey Casey."

"Hey Shel. Where are Beth and Rachel?"

"Beth's in her playpen and Rachel's upstairs waiting for her friend."

"She's having a friend over?" Her eyes bulged, clearly having a similar reaction to Shelby.

"Yeah."

"That's great. I thought she was going to ignore them all forever."

"Kurt's on his way over now."

"Well good, that will give us some time to talk." Casey winked.

"He's here!" Rachel called from upstairs. "Can you let him in and tell him to come up to my room?"

"Sure Rachel." Shelby responded as she went to the door. "Hi Kurt. It's good to see you."

"You too Shelby. And you Casey."

"How are you Kurt?"

"Good thanks."

"Rachel's waiting for you in her room. Go on up."

"Thanks."

They watched him head up and Casey waited for him to be gone before she said anything. "So, that's a good sign, right?"

"I think so. I see more of the old her every day."

"Awesome."

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"Rachel." Wasn't that the main subject of conversation?

"Oh God, what is it?"

"Relax Shel. Not everything has to be bad."

"Then just spit it out."

"What, you're not even going to offer me some coffee? Nothing? Really? I see how things are."

"Come on. I'll make you some coffee, but you have to help me bake cookies for Beth to take to her play group tomorrow."

"Deal."

As they prepped, Rachel and Kurt were reunited. Immediately, no second guessing or words, they just hugged. Like Puck did, he told her how great she looked and how happy she was back. They really hashed things out. They talked like they needed to, like friends did. He let her know he was hurt, but he knew she was hurting too. He told her that loved her and wanted to be there for her from now on and he hoped she would trust him and lean on him. She countered with an apology, not just for hurting him, but ignoring him as well. It wasn't what she meant to do, she was just afraid. She had many fears, she conceded.

"Well you don't have to be afraid of me Diva! We're best friends."

"Are we? Are we still best friends?"

"What do you mean? Of course we are."

"It's just… everybody lived on without me here. Things change, you know? Maybe you all found someone better."

"No one is better Rachel. And, yeah, we lived without you, but that was because we knew you were coming back. There was always a place waiting for you. If you're worried about Puck, though, you shouldn't be. You know he asked me for help on his homework a few times? He said he wanted to keep his grades up to make you proud. You may not realize it Rachel, but you're important to all of us, you help all of us. Now it's time to let us do the same for you."

"I'm trying Kurt."

"Good."

The conversation became lighter from there. It felt like old times, easier time, for a while there. He caught her up on all the latest drama. They scrolled through Jacob Ben Israel's gossip blog topics. Actually, they didn't scroll through it. He pulled up a few excerpts to show her and didn't let her see he rest. "There's something about me on there, isn't there?"

"What? No… Of course not." An obvious lie. "Yeah…"

"Be honest with me Kurt. What do people know? What are they saying about me?" She needed to be prepared.

"There are a few different rumors. You ran off to have Finn's love child in Georgia while you stayed with some grandparent or something like that…"

"Why Finn?"

"I think they just wanted it to be juicier. It's kind of like baby gate Quinn the opposite. So you were having Finn's baby while with Puck."

"And people believed that?"

"Some did. It was a boy by the way."

"That's… detailed."

"Yeah, I know."

"What are the others?"

"Another was that you ran away and some people were saying you caught mono and it was so bad you were in the hospital for a while. I think cancer was passed around once, but it was quickly thrown out because they figured Shelby probably would've been with you."

"Tell me Kurt." She saw him holding back. "I can handle it. Do they know?"

"I… I don't know. I know that Santana, Puck, and I didn't tell anyone, but there was some mumblings. I don't think it got far and no one believed it…"

"But the truth might be out there?"

The rest of his words were lost on Rachel… Her thoughts elsewhere… Oh God… She was going back to school the next day… What was she going to do? How was she going to handle it? She was the fodder of the rumor mill and her arrival was just going to spark it more.

"Rachel, I'm sorry. I have to go. I promised dad I'd be home in time for dinner."

"Oh… Oh ok. Thank you for coming Kurt and – and for being honest."

"Thanks for having me over. I really missed you. It's just not the same without you around."

"Thanks Kurt."

"We'll talk late, but I'll see you at school."

"Ok."

The panic set in after he left. She knew he tried to make her feel better. That was what he was saying while she was all unresponsive, but she wasn't sure anyone could. She was the one that had to deal with it. No one could stop others from forming thoughts…

As if they weren't already threatening her, those thoughts she fought so hard against were just racking up in her mind. Things were looking up in so many ways, and down in so many others. She needed a distraction. Wanting to see if Shelby wanted any help making dinner, she wandered downstairs, but she stopped short of the kitchen when she heard her aunt and mother talking.

"I don't think so. It's not a good idea."

"Shelby, think about it."

"I am. I have. Do you her yourself Casey? She just came out of rehab for an eating disorder. She pushed herself so hard in competitions and dance that she had to be rushed to the hospital." She explained her reasoning. "I can't let her do it again."

"It's one or two classes a week with our guidance. It's not a Zumba class and marathon training. She's handling herself Shelby, but if we don't let her do anything she's just going to close off and fall back on her old vices."

"No Casey. She's not going back to that dance school!"

"Then another. We can get her into a different one."

"No! Do you hear me? N-O!"

"Shelby, she's a 17 year old girl. She's going to go off to college or out into the world to chase her dreams in just a year. If you let her get back into dance and activities now, we can help her through it. We can keep an eye on her. If she's off on her own, she's going into it all by herself. She'll dive in head first. She'll fall into old habits. You're not even giving her a chance."

"I can't risk it and I won't fight you about this. It's my choice."

"But it should be hers."

"I said no Casey. For now, it has to be a no."

All Rachel heard from that encounter, or rather all she took, was that it was impossible for her to earn the trust back. That was her confirmation. They didn't believe in her anymore. She screwed up? But would anything ever make it right again? She just wanted her life back. Her real life. She wanted it to be freshman year again. That girl was stronger, weakened by a brokenness she had yet to realize, but stronger than who she was now.

She didn't know what to make of her feelings. There were so many just hitting her from all sides and the worry about the next day was really weighing her down. As much as she wanted to be alone to lament in her own thoughts, she knew she needed to escape them. Clearly, her mom and aunt were out of the question. If she faced them then, they'd know something was off. She was off. But Beth, Beth was a usable distraction. Rachel could play with her and just try to keep the anxiety at bay.

It was the only thing she could think to do to stop herself from doing what she really wanted. Then again, it wasn't like she had any easy access to sharp objects. She was feeling slightly better after an hour or so playing with her sister, but the urge was still there. It would always be there. It didn't help when dinner rolled around. "Rachel! Bring Beth down with you. Dinner's ready."

She didn't want to eat and the attitude she gave Shelby wasn't helping matters. She was anxious about school and hurt that no one trusted her at all. How was she supposed to cope? How was she supposed to feel? Was she supposed to just be ok with everything?

"Eat."

"I'm not hungry." She mumbled. Her food was moved around from side to side, just played with instead of eaten.

"I don't care. Eat it."

"I'm not hungry!" She yelled.

"Do. Not. Yell." Shelby said seriously. "Eat Rachel."

"What's the point?"

"The point is that you need to feed your body. I don't understand what's happening right now. Why are you doing this? Did something happen?"

"No." She was quick to answer. "Everything's fine."

"Then I expect you to eat and we're not leaving the table until you do." Shelby knew it had to be nerves about school. That was the only thing she could think of. Still, she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed, and Rachel saw that. At least Casey was gone so she didn't have to see her disappointment too.

It was a battle, but the meal was eaten. Shelby then, instead of letting her just sit with her, made Rachel help her make the school lunches. If she participated in making the food, Shelby learned, the girl was more apt to eat it without issue. Her daughter's frown had her worried though. She didn't know how to make it better. The horrors of high school were real and her daughter's experience hadn't been great thus far. "You'll do fine tomorrow." She assured her.

"I know." Rachel lied. She'd do fine, maybe, but it was more likely she'd end up in tears.

Her words didn't help Rachel sleep any better that night either. Even with the sedative qualities of her anxiety meds, she had a rough night. The well wishes and can't wait to see yous from Noah, Kurt, and even Santana did little to help either.

She was on an island and it was about to get hit with a tsunami.

Walking through the halls of McKinley felt a lot like entering the jungle; a hungry lioness could be waiting just around the corner and you never knew what danger lurked. But she didn't want anyone to know how nervous she was. She didn't want anyone to find her weaknesses and pray on them like before. She tried to get there early to escape the crowded halls, but that turned out to be a mistake.

Once Shelby left her at her locker, wished her luck, and went to her classroom, she was on her own and the hell that was high school began. She rushed with her locker, grabbing things she knew were purposely put back in, exactly as they were the previous school year, by Kurt. "I promise it's just the same and I didn't go through any of it." He told her. Of course, she thanked him.

Most of what she needed like notebooks and books were in her bag from home, but there was a pencil case and a few other small things in there she could use. As she grabbed her things, the whispers started. This time, the looks coming her way were not at all imagined. The question of where was Rachel Berry seemed to be on everyone's mind. "She looks good for having a baby." Someone said.

"It wasn't a baby. I heard she was dying."

She tried to ignore it. That was just the way school worked. People gossiped, and she couldn't let it get to her. It helped when all the glee kids found her. At separate points during the day, they all came up and hugged her, telling her how good it was to have her back there. They'd even be happy if she started annoying her again. "You know, being you." They told her.

By lunch, though, things started getting tougher to ignore. Most of the talk was stupid and people knew it to be false. That she got through. Having Puck or Kurt in almost all of her classes helped. Santana seemed to try and help too, but Rachel was still avoiding her. Or she was, until she couldn't.

The Latina was the only friend type person in her lunch period. "You can't ignore me munchkin. I've been trying to get your attention all day."

"Well, you got it." Rachel quipped as she watched Santana take the vacant seat across from her.

"You've been avoiding me."

"I assure you, I have not." Didn't she already accept the fact that she was avoiding any and all people her own age and only just starting to talk to them again?

"Yeah, ok." She said sardonically. "You and me, we got some talking to do."

"I know." She stated.

"Let's start with…" Santana didn't get to finish that thought. Some idiots caught their attention.

"Oh my god! Is that Rachel Berry?" Her back stiffened as she tried not to pay them attention, but the girls were being so loud it was like they wanted her to hear.

"That is her. I can't believe she's back."

"I wonder if it's true."

"What?"

"I heard some kids talking." She started and Rachel's hands immediately clenched, her nails digging into her palms. "Apparently, she went all crazy or something, stopped eating. Even tried to off herself."

"Is she psycho or something? Should she even be here?"

"I think they sent her to a mental hospital."

"I don't know how I feel about that."

Rachel wanted to run. She wanted to run far, far away from that cafeteria. She needed out. Abruptly, she stood, her chair nearly falling back. "Where are you going?" Santana asked her with concern. She had two new names on her hit list. She'd be taking care of them later. Then, though, she had to take care of Rachel.

"Somewhere!" She practically screamed as she grabbed her bag and took off. Santana new she had to follow. Something would happen if she didn't.

The next time they were together, the girl had Rachel cornered in the otherwise empty bathroom. That was where Santana found her; the first place she looked. The anxiety was already eating Rachel alive and it was only one day out. School sucked, was her consensus. People sucked. So, she sat there in the bathroom trying her best to keep herself from sticking her fingers down her throat. Santana saw that look on Rachel's face; that wild animal trapped in a cage look and decided to be there for her even if she was pushed away.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." She said as she entered the bathroom and witnessed a feral Rachel, her hand gripping at a small pencil case like she was debating her next move.

"I'm not doing anything."

"Let's not start with the lying and denying. That's what got you in trouble in the first place." Santana scoffed. Rachel was still Rachel after everything, which meant she still had the power to grate her nerves and the uncontrollable urge to show her affection by being a bitch. That was just who she was.

"I'm not…" There was no denying what she said was true.

"Don't be all defensive. Just… You don't need to do this."

"Do what?"

"You know what. You don't need to make yourself throw up or cut yourself when you're hurting. You can… You can come to me."

"Oh… Can I?" There was a hateful tone biting in her words.

"You can… You've been through a lot already... more than most people... and yes, many of those situations were out of your control, and the brain is a messed up organ... but the people who matter have proved they'll stay by you... eating, gaining weight... letting go of that need and fear... that won't change how much they love you." Santana said. "Hell, even I care about you. But if you do this again, I'll make sure you live just to kill you myself. You hear me munchkin?"

"I hear you." She said, eyes drawn down to the tile… tile similar to what she laid on, bleeding and broken… All she could do was stare as if in a trance… Santana had her thinking. She made such progress. Did she really want one moment to ruin it all?

Until Santana pulled her out of it, she just kept her eyes down and her thoughts going. "Hey." Her hand lifted Rachel's chin, forcing their eyes to meet. "You hear me?"

"I hear you." She said again, a little more conviction.

"Good." The Latina said, dropping her hand and gave Rachel a hug. She wasn't sure what they were… friends she guessed, but she was happy the girl was alive and well and just… there. "Don't listen to those idiots, alright. They don't know what they're talking about. They're ignorant fools."

"They're right. I shouldn't be here."

"Then where should you be? Dead? That's some bullshit Rachel. Fuck." She finally let out how she felt, releasing a frustrated groan. "I'm fucking pissed you did that. You asked me to take care of everyone, what is that? You put that on me and then go slit your wrists! You can't leave again. You're supposed to be right here, with us. With your friends and family because… Because we love you Rachel. You're a hell of a lot better than half the shits in this place. We'll get out of this town, we'll be great, but we have to get through this first. You're not alone. Let's get through it together."

At a loss for what else to say, she simply let Santana hug her and responded, "Ok."

"Ok." She agreed to leave it at that. "I need you to give me that case Rachel."

"Why?"

"You know why." They both knew why. She clutched it like a lifeline because there was a razor in there, one forgotten about until then.

"Here." She passed it over.

"I'm proud of you. We're all going to get out of here. You not doing anything right now, when you so easily could have… That's how I know we'll be alright." Rachel remained silent. "Want to go back out there?"

"Not really?"

"Is that a question?"

"No."

"No it's not a question or no you don't want to go back out there?"

"No… to both."

"Well, we kind of have class to get to, but how about after school, we fill those bitches' lockers with shaving cream and then hang out?"

"That'd be nice…"

"Let's go then. I don't want to see how long it takes for someone to realize we're not around and send the cavalry to hunt us down."

"Let's go."

Together, they faced the day. And later, they talked it all out and actually had fun together. Rachel felt better, for the first time more than just physically. Her friends got her through the first day of school. With their continued help and friendship, she'd get through the school year. They saw her breakdown and they stood by her. She'd still feel it from time to time, but she truly believed she wasn't alone anymore. She truly felt a burden lifted off her.

She was proud of herself for making it through that day, thankful for Santana for not letting her fall, and just… Content with the steps she was taking. She'd be ok.

**Here we are folks, almost at the end. Thank you for everyone who is continuing to read this story, who have stuck by through my many delays, and even those who are just starting to read this. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**carrebear14**** Thanks so much. It means a lot to have people who have been following this story for a while, whether from the beginning or whenever. It's so appreciated. Hope you enjoy the rest. **

**CarolineSC**** Thank you. And thanks for your continued support of this story. Hope you enjoy what's left of it.**

**Kikilia14**** Thank you. It's definitely an emotionally charged journey and I'm glad that chapter showed that too. Hope you enjoy the update and what's left of the story.**

**Guest**** How have you not? I don't know, I mean come on now! Kidding, but thanks. I'm glad you like it. **


	44. Senior Year

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

**Chapter's here. Yay. Sorry about the delay. **

**Chapter 44: Senior Year**

The first year in recovery was agonizingly hard; so, so incredibly hard, but she made it to the next. Through all the hurdles and struggles, she made it. That year just so happened to coincide with the last and possibly one of, if not the, most important years of high school: senior year.

That was the one year where pressure was at its worst, coming at students like a bullet at its target. And it was aiming to hit the bull's eye. Though she was all caught up with the work from the time she missed, Rachel still felt behind. School work was fine, but, in general, with all things, she just felt behind.

She, Santana (thus Brittany by extension), Kurt, Noah, and Kurt's boyfriend Blaine, all grew closer as the school year passed. They, along with her family, were Rachel's support system. They caught her when she looked like she was about to fall and kept her going when she thought she couldn't go any further. And that happened more frequently than Rachel cared to admit those first few months. They were the reason she survived, though.

"You did it yourself Rach. We were just here to help you out." She was reminded time and again. "You made the choice to be ok and we were just backing you up."

Nodding, she took her friend's hand and said, "Thank you."

She honestly felt like she owed them so much more than they could ever understand or she could ever repay. She owed them her gratitude and, more importantly, her life. Unfortunately, there'd be one battle with herself she wouldn't allow anyone to help with, but first, she had to get to that point.

A few weeks into her school year and the real work began. She was a bit scattered and challenged, but she liked the latter. It gave her purpose. She was finding her way again, catching her footing. Things became somewhat easier once the rumors died down and people stopped staring. That was the worst. They kept looking for her to break and she was about to. Thankfully, those who cared wouldn't let her. Santana and Puck all but beat everyone who dared look at her funny. There may have even been a few hits exchanged without her knowledge. All she knew was that they helped her with them and she was so incredibly happy they did.

There were some days, especially in the beginning, where the stares and feelings and all of it just felt too much, when she found she had to remember that she spent that summer in a rehab facility, and not because she forgot she did. It wasn't her favorite place to be. Group time and one on one therapy sessions weren't her thing. Add in family day and forced, very structured, monitored eating times and she was living in hell. But because she made it through that. And if she could make it through that, she could make it through her last year of high school.

She didn't have much of a choice.

She just had to soldier on, realize how strong and capable she really was, and fight for herself.

And that was exactly what she learned to do. Of everything she accomplished that year, that was what she was most proud of. She learned to accept that she was flawed and that that was ok.

No one was perfect. That was the reality.

But coming to that realization wasn't an easy journey at all.

It took a lot of work on her part. She had to earn back the trust she lost and prove herself again with everyone, her mom and aunt, her friends, strangers, and, most importantly, herself. But she did it. In the end, she did it. After the first month of showing she could keep up in school, clubs, and handle going to glee practices once, sometimes twice, a week after school (a special arrangement Shelby discussed with Mr. Schue), as well as performing in their annual school show, though just as background, Shelby finally agreed to limited dance classes.

"Shelby, Rachel and I have been talking…"

Rolling her eyes, Shelby interrupted. "Oh no… What did you two conspire to this time?"

"Mom, it's not bad… I just… I think I can handle doing dance again."

"You think so, do you?"

"I do."

"Last time things didn't go so well."

"I may have used dance to add to my already overzealous workout routine, but it wasn't about losing weight. It was about control and… And I am in control of that. I've accepted that I can't control everything and I can't let my… issues… control me. I'm Rachel… I don't know who I am without dance and music. It's my life and, right now, I'm missing that piece of me."

"Rachel…"

"I promise that if I feel myself slipping down that path again I will come to you or Casey…. Even Mark. I promise… And – And we can start small… One of you can even stay the whole class. I won't make any problems with that. Casey even said she could do it after work if you're busy."

"You really thought this through, huh?"

"I did, look." She handed Shelby a stack of papers. "This is the same dance academy I went to with the same teachers. They all agreed to keep an eye on me… You can check in with them and them with you…"

"You really want this?"

"So… so badly…"

"Ok…"

"Ok?!" Her mouth went wide. "Casey! She said ok!"

"I heard." She shared a smile with her niece before turning to her sister. "What's the catch?"

"Ok, Rachel, you can take your dance classes, but…"

"Why does there need to be a but?"

"But, I will be checking in and one of us will be there at each class. The same rules apply there as here. There's no extra workouts or skipping meals. And if you seem to go down that road again, then I expect you to come to me. If you don't, that's it. No more dance. Will be keeping a close eye on you Rachel. I need you to be honest and come to one of us if you start to feel yourself slipping again."

"I promise. I promise!" She ran to hug Shelby. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"I'll talk to your instructor tomorrow to see when you can start."

"I love you." She hugged her once more before doing the same to Casey. "And thank you too. So much. You have no idea how much this means to me." Shelby did understand. Dance and music were both such big parts of her life as well, which worked in Rachel's favor. It helped her get how much she missed it and helped her push past the fear to let Rachel, her once wounded bird, fly free again.

And once she got the ok, she was not going to let it go until it happened. She was relentless about that, but Shelby and Casey were on top of it.

"Ready Rachel?"

"More than ready." Within a week from that conversation, Rachel was back at the studio with Noah and Casey as her escorts (Shelby's permission given). Walking in and getting a whiff of the sweat filled locker room, running her hand against the barre, being back in her leo… It all felt so right and so freeing. "Ah…" She let out a long held breath.

"We'll be out there Rachel. Have a good class."

"Thanks." She hugged her aunt. "And thanks Noah, for coming too."

"Anything for you Babe. You'll be great. Break a leg… or well don't, but go be you out there. It'll be awesome to see you dance for real again."

"It'll be amazing to dance for real again and not just a little in the choir room!" She leaned in and up on her toes to give him a chaste kiss. "See you after class!"

Being on that floor again felt like home. She felt rusty at first, and a little uncomfortable under the scrutinizing eyes of her peers, but she pushed it all away. She didn't want the glances from her fellow dancers every now and then affect her. She was free. She was flying on that floor. She was home. Everything was starting to feel right again. And it got better with time.

Everything was in order with her life. A packed schedule was exactly what she needed. It was all structured and consuming, but not overwhelming. A few months out and she was flourishing. She had her school work and classes. Once her initial trial period was over, she started glee every day. Therapists' appointments were still more than once a week in the beginning, though the amount tapered with time. With the trial period passed, dance went back to the same schedule as before everything. And, she had her cooking class with Mark. In so many ways, he became the father her fathers stopped being the last few years of their lives.

Earlier in the recovery process, the first anniversary of her fathers' deaths took Rachel by storm. She thought she dealt with their passing, but it still never healed. That grief was only replaced by her obsessions and compulsions. And when she was reminded of it again, healed and better, those wounds were ripped open, torn to shreds. The day was spent crying and being held by the people who loved her. In between bouts of tears, she was force fed. Each time they offered, she refused the food. "I'm not hungry!" She'd hiss. But they couldn't accept that; they wouldn't. She just wanted the dark cloud that still hovered around her to swallow her whole. Her support kept that from happening. They fought her tooth and nail to keep her afloat.

And Mark was there too. When all was said and done, he was there for her though he barely knew her at the time. Even after, he stayed, something her fathers stopped doing once she was old enough to feed and bathe herself. It reminded her of what she was missing. It helped her see that that neglect, yes that was what it was, a form of neglect, was part of her problem. She couldn't make them love her and want to be with her, so she needed that control; that strive for perfection, and, ultimately, that was part of her downfall. They were part of her downfall. They helped build the blocks that lead to the brick wall she encased herself in.

It wasn't their fault. They didn't make her do what she did. But they sure didn't stop her either. The loss was still devastating. It would always be a tragedy of her past, but she didn't want to let it overpower her anymore. Every day that loss was in her thoughts in some way, shape, or form, whether she was conscious of that or not. But, after being reminded of the fathers they once were and the fathers she missed out on over the last few years, she realized that she had been mourning their loss long before they actually died because the fathers she knew and loved left her by age 12. The men she, metaphorically speaking because they were cremated, buried were not the same men she loved. She saw real glimpses of them every once in a while, but that only let her hope. And her hopes were continually crushed and rarely ever met.

She couldn't hold on to that grief and hope anymore. They were long gone. And now, though not quite the same, she had the fathers she always wanted. She had a Shelby. She had a Casey. And she had a Mark too. He made that last part very clear time and again. Often, his actions spoke louder than his words, and his words were very loud, clear and always honest. Her fathers would have never took time out of their schedules or from each other to spend time with one of her, nonexistent, cousins. But, unlike them, Mark did that for her.

She remembered the day so clearly. There were many times that he made her feel like a part of his family, like a daughter even. There was that time at their house when he offered to take her to the cooking lessons. Then there was the time when he helped her with a project that she just couldn't do on her own. There were too many times to even count. But this time was different than the others.

It was a particularly bad day for her, one of the many she had and would have. She came home from school in a foul mood. She was slushied, her clothes were stained, Noah was later suspended for punching the jock who threw it at her, and, to make matters worse, a kid, several, at school saw her scars. Before then, no one had seen her scars but her, Shelby, Casey, and hospital staff. She was so shocked by the sudden burst of ice on her skin that she just ripped the soaked sweater right off her back.

The drink came out of nowhere. It had been such a long time since the last, she took the lack of it for granted. But her body guards were all scattered. Puck and Santana were in different classes and Kurt was still saving her seat in the lunch room. So, she was alone. There was no one there to be the in between; no buffer that could save her.

"I've been waiting to do this for such a long time." The guy taunted. She wasn't even sure who he was or what she did to him to possibly warrant the slushy facial. "You come back here with your protectors all around you. But where are they now? Not here to save you this time are they?" And just like that, the purple gush was all over her skin and hair. It was a mess.

And she stood there, the cold assaulting her as the boy laughed. Only a few others witnessed the scene as classes were still in session. She simply wanted to go wash her hands before having lunch when she was bombarded. Not thinking and just acting, she needed to free the now clinging and soaked fabric from her body. "Holy crap." He stared at her, grabbing her arms to show her wrists, forearms up. "They really weren't joking, were they? The rumors were true. You were gone for so long because you lost it and tried offing yourself. This is gold! You're even crazier than I thought you were. Wait until I tell everybody." He laughed as her eyes filled with tears. Her mouth seemed frozen. There was nothing she could say. "Crazy bitch." He sneered and walked away sure to give her a nice shove into the lockers as he did. The few people in the hallway just stared and snickered.

The rumors would start again. With that would come the looks she was already getting. People would speculate and laugh and just belittle her. And the panic was already there. All the thoughts she battled to overcome suddenly felt very relevant and strong again. She just… she couldn't breathe and she needed out.

Not bothering with anything else, she just broke through her paralysis and ran. Right out the front doors, she ran and ran and didn't look back. It was all rushing back. The self-doubt, the anger, the pain… all of it… All of it was back and her confidence shaken. Faster. Harder. She found herself pushing. And she did. She continued to push all the way to Casey's house. Her own house was out of the question. No one would be there, but Shelby would show up pretty quickly once word spread about what happened.

That was how she ended up at her aunt's house, freezing and in pain. She ran so hard and so fast that she fell and scraped up her knee pretty badly. Her feet were blistered from running in her flats, and the icy beverage in the cold end of winter air had her shivering even with the sweat. And that was how Mark found her, sitting on the bathroom floor with blood dripping down her leg and body shaking with cold.

"Casey? You home? The door was unlocked. Your car's not in the driveway. Where is it?" Of course, she didn't answer. "Casey? You come home from work early?"

Mark got worried after that. He knew that Casey wasn't due home for a few hours. He wasn't either. He only came back to pick something up during his lunch break. But the door was unlocked and that never happened. He remembered locking it before leaving that morning and he knew Casey was a stickler for it too. So, someone had to open it.

"Anybody here? Casey?" He tried again as he made his way further into the house. A small crashing sound made him weary and unsettled. Someone was definitely there and, since they weren't answering his calls, it probably wasn't Casey.

He grabbed the nearest weapon like blunt object and made his way toward the sounds. There was movement upstairs. Stealthily, he kept at it, reaching the top of the stairs so he could listen more closely. The bathroom, he determined. It was coming from the master bathroom. Continuing on, he held a tight grip on the wooden object in his hand. Slipping through the door, he held it up, ready to pounce if need be. Instead, he was met with a scream.

"Mark!?"

"Rachel?!" They were both surprised. Rachel didn't hear him. She didn't hear anything over her thoughts. "What are you doing?"

"Me? What are you doing with that?"

"I thought someone broke in."

"So you were going to coat rack them to death?"

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I forgot some files here and came to get them."

"I didn't want to be at school."

"That's not really a good reason not to be. What is that all over you? Is that… Is that blood?"

"What?" She followed his eyes. She didn't even realize she cut herself. "Oh… yeah, I guess it is."

Grabbing a washcloth off the shelf, he wiped some of the goo off her face and pushed her sticky hair away. "What happened?"

"Kids suck."

"Not all of them. You're pretty great." He smiled and propped her up on the closed toilet seat. "Did somebody do this to you?" She looked away and nodded. There was no point in lying. It wasn't like she did it to herself. "Do I need to knock some punk down a peg?"

"No… No… I just… I thought the slushies were over… You know? And then, then today some guy just…"

"He threw it at you? Kids really do that?" He thought Casey was just exaggerating when he told her stories. Apparently, he was very wrong.

Tenderly, he continued to clean her up, using the damp cloth to wipe away what he could as he placed a dry one over her scrapes. "That… and more." Rachel said. He heard her, but it sounded distant. She was there before him and exposed. Her scars were on display and he never saw them before. It was all just a theory in him mind until that moment. The evidence was there. It momentarily stunned him. But, it changed nothing about what he felt for his niece, so he pulled himself back to the moment.

"One day, Rachel, you'll be everything you want and more and the idiots who do this kind of thing will be nothing but a distant memory." He wrapped his hands around her wrists and added, "All of it will."

"I hope so."

"I know so." She gave her a warm smile. "Listen kid, why don't you hop in the shower? I'll get some of Casey's clothes for you to change into, I'll patch you up, and we can talk."

"Don't you have to go back to work?"

"I can take the rest of the day off for you."

"You don't have to."

"I know."

"So you're going to play hokey?"

"I won't tell if you don't." He winked.

As she showered, Mark called Casey and explained the situation. She seemed so relieved to hear from him. Things were swirling at school and Shelby had called her in a panic about her niece. So, she was glad she could tell her sister that Rachel wasn't missing and didn't run away. Honestly, though they knew she wasn't in that same head space, they couldn't help but worry that she'd hurt herself again. Knowing Mark was with her gave them some peace. He'd look after her. They knew that.

Clean, changed, and bandaged, Mark had her across from him at the table. He wasn't in his element with her. He knew boys. He knew how to approach things with a son, well, most things. But there was something they needed to talk about. "Rachel… I have to ask…" But he really didn't want to. "Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"I was… I was cleaning up and I found a whole bag of empty wrappers… I need to know if…" He tailed off leaving her to finish the thought.

"If I binged and stuck my fingers down my throat?" She asked bluntly.

"Well, yeah…" And he hated that he even felt the need to ask. But he was worried. After what she told him, and he saw, the incident could've been enough to set her back.

"I thought about it…" She spoke honestly.

"But…"

"But I didn't do it. I… I wanted to and I did…" Embarrassed, she looked away. "I did eat that but… But I couldn't do it. And now I feel gross. I feel disgusted."

"I'm glad you didn't do it Rachel."

"Yeah…" Sure, they would all be happy. But she still felt absolutely miserable.

"I'm proud of you, you know. You could've done it. No one could've stopped you. But you chose not to."

"I still want to." She told him, looking his dead in the eyes. They didn't want her to lie and she wasn't going to. Maybe, subconsciously, she was trying to push them away still. Freaking them out might do the trick.

"I'm sure you do." He told her with understanding. "But we're not going to let that happen."

"We're not?"

"No. You've done so well Rachel. And slips are going to happen. There will be times when all you want is to go back to that, to give in, but you won't."

"I won't? How do you know?"

"Because I believe in you. I've seen you go through everything as determined and strong as you could possibly be. So there's no doubt you'll keep that up."

Rachel was nearly in tears. He spent the rest of the afternoon right by her side just keeping her distracted and making her feel better. He was kind and caring with her. It wasn't something she associated with the adult men in her life. No one had hurt her, physically, but no one had really been kind to her either. The male role models she had were the picture of absence and passive neglect. He was not that. He was the picture of a TV dad, the one like she thought she once had.

It was an eye opening moment for her. He helped her, again, without any real reason.

She was starting to see that all the people in her life were like that. They didn't have to stay by her side through it all, but they did. So, things had to get better from there right?

She thought so. And, for the most part, they did. Rachel was thrilled when the nightly checks turned into weekly checks, and finally, with her trust earned back, stopped altogether. It was a day she'd remember fondly. As she grew closer to her mother, the trust seemed to come too. By the end of the school year, Rachel was down to one therapist appointment every month, a stark change from the twice weekly sessions she was having upon her return home. "We'll do family therapy every few months, just to make sure we're still on track." Shelby told her one afternoon as they finished with an appointment. "It'll be good for us."

"I don't know where I'll be in a few months' time. How can we plan for sessions when I might be states away?"

"We'll figure it out. Wherever you go, I won't be far from you. We'll get you set up with everything you need."

Everyone in her life made it clear they were there forever. There was no getting rid of them. Not even when things got bad. Instead, they made it better. Santana was the one that surprised her the most. They went from enemies to frenemies, to just friends. And, she proved to be an amazing one, the only girl friend she really had. Santana was a person you wanted by your side. She was great. And Kurt too. Blaine was a pretty good guy that she came to call a good friend. But really, it was Puck, Noah, and Shelby who stunned her the most.

She was sure that, after everything, Noah would want nothing more to do with her. She was so up and down, she was shocked she didn't push him away so far she could never reach her again. But, he was amazing through it all. He stuck by her, he helped her, and, most of all, he loved her regardless. He made sure she knew that. He told her every day in ways that went beyond words. His actions, that he showed up when she needed him and when she didn't, that they relied on each other and talked to each other. They were a surprising, but very good match. And she loved him more and more each day.

Unlike with Casey, who she just knew wouldn't let her down, Shelby's track record wasn't very good. But, if that year proved anything, it was that Shelby could be counted on. Despite the past, when push came to shove, Shelby was there. And that counted for something. Her family felt whole. Her fathers would always be missed, but their deaths gave her new life. She couldn't imagine going through all she had without the people she had around. And that wouldn't have happened with them there.

It wasn't that she was grateful they passed. She missed them. She loved them. But she was grateful that something good came out of that bad. She finally had her family.

And that was the greatest gift her fathers ever gave her.

There was one other major down that could've ruined everything. College applications and auditions… They were terrible. She put in endless hours trying to achieve perfection. It was easy to fall into her old patterns, eating little, working more. Those around her were worried to say the least. They saw her going down that dark road again and it terrified them. But they did their best to remain a united front and be there for her in any way they could, even if it meant a little regression in the progress they all made.

Shelby set up more appointments with the therapist, and, after seeing a suspicious cut peeking out from under her sleeve, even initiated the checks again. It wasn't what either wanted, but it was what needed to be done. Meal times became a hassle again. And it wasn't that she didn't want to eat or was refusing, just that she refused to eat more than she did normally.

For a regular person, maybe that would be ok. But not for her. Still just a little underweight, something her doctor told her would likely remain the case, her actions were causing her to lose again. She wasn't compensating for the extra calories burned. That had the adults and friends panicked.

"Rachel, babe, you can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?"

"Don't be an idiot Rachel!" Santana added.

Kurt, being the level headed one that day, stepped in. "What she's trying to say is that you know what we're talking about. You're doing it again. I know you are."

"We all know you are."

"What is it you think I'm doing?" They couldn't really know, could they? It was just the one time, well two times. But she felt guilty… She didn't do it again after the last time. Instead, she just worked harder. It ate away at her that she threw away months of "sobriety" for a few moments. And since, she was overcompensating. They could see that. She was overly nice, apologetic for the smallest of things, offering to do things for them that she would never offer to do… They knew something was up.

Hell, she sensed the storm coming before it even hit. But it stunned her so badly she didn't know how to stop it. Instead, she gave into it. And when she did, when she found herself huddled over the toilet, at first she was ok. "It was a mistake." She told herself. "It won't happen again." But she was wrong. It did. It did happen again. Her little slip turned into two. And the second led to tremendous guilt and shame. That, of course, led to the cuts on hip, strategically placed under the panty line. Then, then she just hated herself that much more.

She hid it, of course, but it ate away at her. The more she hid it, the more she wanted to do it again. There was that high again; that high that took all the pressure and pain and anxiety away. Only, it didn't, and she knew that. The logic was winning out. She couldn't and wouldn't do it again.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She broke down with them. "I didn't mean to do it… It just… It just happened, Like I wasn't in control of my mind. And I won't do it again. I… I haven't since. Please don't tell Shelby or Casey."

Her crying made them weak. They knew, like any addiction, relapse was a possibility. And she wasn't down the rabbit hole again, not yet, just taking a peek down there. They wouldn't let it go further. "We won't tell." Noah readily agreed.

"But you have to tell us exactly what you did. And if there is something to see, we need to see it." Rachel knew exactly what they meant. "We need to know how bad this is."

"Ok…" She reluctantly agreed. "I… I… didn't tell anyone, but I… I snuck out of my class on Saturday to meet Ms. Thibodaux…. I had an audition with a few other students from Ohio… And…"

"And what? Why didn't you say anything?" It would've explained why she was so nutbally the past week. She shut everyone out, kept to herself, rarely left her room or the auditorium. That would explain why.

"I choked. I forgot my song. I had to beg and plead and cry, but I get another chance. Can't you see? I couldn't say anything… I couldn't let everyone down. You all believe I me and I… just failed. Now I just have to get it right. I won't survive if I mess this up again. It's like my entire future is in this one moment; this one redo is my shot." Even with all the practice, she just didn't feel it was enough. And she felt herself being consumed again. As much as she tried to shake it, this time, she just couldn't. NYADA and Broadway were her dream. Sure, she applied to a bunch of "normal" schools too, but they were last resort. They weren't what she really wanted. Not getting in not going to New York, it would be devastating to her.

"Rachel. That's not true." Noah was quick to say.

"You could be a bag lady and we'd still love your crazy ass just as much as if you make it big on Broadway."

"More tactfully put," Kurt interceded, "you could be anything, fail or succeed at anything, and you're not letting us down. Everybody fails sometimes. The only way you let us down is if you don't try to stay healthy or come to us when you need us. We just want our Rachel, whoever and whatever she is."

"I'm sorry." She cried and they ran to her side whispering all the things she needed to hear. Truth was, whether they realized it at the time or not, even when she was in the throes of her disorder, she was still there for them, supporting them through their problems, so they could finally return the favor.

She told them about her slips. It wasn't a relapse. She refused to recognize it as such. It was a slip. It would not go any further than that. She was determined to keep the disorder in check. It helped that they didn't seem to judge her or make her feel worse than she did already. Instead, they calmed her and made her see why she didn't need that anymore. "Rach, let me take you out. We need a date night." That was his idea to cheer her up and distract her.

"I don't know… I really should keep going."

"No. Absolutely not." Kurt told her.

"Alright midget, listen to these idiot. You need a break. Go out and have some fun with your boyfriend." She couldn't argue, so she easily caved.

Dates became a regular occurrence for Noah and Rachel. He, through proving himself while she was away at treatment and spending time with the Corcoran family whenever he came to visit Beth, even got Shelby's approval. Casey was a little weary of him at first. Her sister told her some stories, but he saw how much the boy cared for her niece, both of them. She became a little unnerved about their relationship after the talk with Rachel about the baby she lost, but she knew they'd find a way to each other no matter what. So, she made sure Rachel was safe from now on. They had a long talk about birth control even though Rachel was squeamish about the whole thing. She informed her aunt that she was on birth control now, something the doctors thought a good idea since her cycle was irregular. That gave her some comfort.

"Besides," Rachel added to her argument to end the conversation, "I'm not having sex."

And she stayed true to that. Since everything with the miscarriage and treatment, and even through all the romantic dates, they had not had sex again. They hugged and kissed and even cuddled, but that was it. Until then. There was nothing special about the day, not in the good sense at least. Noah was just worried about her and wanted to take her mind off the thoughts and onto, well, them.

"Where do you want to go Noah?"

"I'm giving in." He stated.

"What?" She said nervously. "You… You're breaking up with me?"

"No!" He clarified quickly. "I'm finally giving in. I'm going to take you to that organic, whole food, natural, all vegan garbage place."

"It's not garbage Noah."

"It's not real food either." He countered.

"You wouldn't know real food if it was thrown at you."

"But you would?" He kissed her.

"I would! Haven't you heard? I'm an apprentice chef now. The instructor thinks I have promise."

"I bet you do. You're amazing at everything."

"Noah…"

"Please Rach, let me say this." He took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. They were at Roosevelt Botanical again. Their place… kind of. As morbid as it was knowing her fathers' ashes were released there, it became a place of peace, and the beauty of it all was soothing. Anyway, he wanted to be romantic. He wanted to sweep her off her feet and show her a good time.

"Alright…"

"You are amazing. You are absolutely amazing. And you don't see it, still, after everything, you still don't. That's ok I guess… You don't need to. But you do need to know that that is what we see. Even if you bombed that audition, which I don't believe you did…"

"Noah, I did. You weren't there. It was… It was so terrible; horrific. I was mid lyric and just blanked. I should've just shot myself right there and then. It was like my career was ending before it even began. Everything was flashing before my eyes. And… and then I just cried. I cried a lot. Then I just threw myself into everything. I went crawling back and begged her for another shot, convinced her to come see us, me, at Nationals. And then I just went at everything full force. That was the only thing I could do to survive."

"Rachel. You weren't really surviving. Not in a good way anyway. You were doing the one thing that could destroy you… Again… I can't let that happen… You can't let that happen."

"I'm trying Noah. I really am."

"I know… But maybe, don't hide it. Like, you could've come to us, any one of us… to me. I would've listened to anything you said." He moved his hand to her arm and pulled up her sleeve. She flinched and tried to get her hand away, but he didn't allow her. Delicately running his and over the injuries, both old and new, he made her hear him. "Instead, you did this… You opened old wounds. Those wounds are not just yours anymore Rachel. They're all of ours. We're effected too. You turned to a blade and ritual instead of just coming to us."

"I didn't know how… I mean, I did, but it's… It's… The thoughts aren't always easy to talk about. Sometimes they're still pretty dark… I don't know how to tell you about them without hurting you."

"Don't worry about hurting us. We can take it."

"I can take it too."

"No… You can't."

The rest of their talk went better. It was real and honest. Noah had that sensitive side to him that Rachel loved to see. It made her love him even more. In those moments, in any moments that had to do with Rachel or thinking about her or what she would want for him, the real him came out and all the thoughts about his reputation and appearances flew right out the window. None of it mattered.

"Let me take you to dinner now."

"Can we just cook at home instead?" She offered. It just didn't feel like a go out kind of day. The serenity of the park was fine, but the hustle of a restaurant was not a scenario she wanted to be a part of right then.

"Sure." It was a fairly long drive, but they made it back to his house in ample time for a romantic night. Though their talk went well and the words were heard, it was obvious that she was still in that mindset and, especially after the bullying incident, even more self-conscious.

But he did what he could. He wanted to make her see and feel just how beautiful she was. So, when they were alone in the kitchen, his mom and sister out for a while, he took the opportunity to show her just that. Purely in the moment, reacting to the faint moon light shining through the kitchen window as she washed the dishes rattling on about this and that, he stopped her. He put his hands on her arms and turned her. Taking a moment to just stare into her face, he leaned in and kissed her, gently and deeply, slowly until it became more fervent.

Finally breaking for air, foreheads resting against each other, Rachel asked, "Not that this isn't wonderful, but why?"

"Can't a guy just kiss the girl he loves?"

"Of course… Because the girl loves him too."

"You've been so down lately."

"I know."

"We haven't really had much time for the two of us."

"That's my fault. I'm sorry."

"Nah, I get it. It's no big. But what is, is you being so down on yourself."

"Noah, we discussed this already." She pulled away.

"No, we really didn't." He told her. "You're so damn beautiful. But I see you afraid of yourself. You still feel like a freak."

"Yeah Noah! Because I am." She was scared and angry at herself. She was angry he was right. "I am still a freak. I walk around with evidence of that every day. People stare and whisper again. I thought it was over! But it's not! I will always be this ugly, insecure, stupid, little freak!"

"Stop!" He yelled as he stilled her pacing. "I know that last few weeks have really messed with your head. Between the slushie incident with that jack off and the audition, I know it's been a rough time, but don't do this. Come on."

"Come on and what Noah?!"

"Look at me." She didn't. "Look at me!" He finally got her attention and held her gaze on him. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on."

"Don't…"

When she tried to look away, he put his hands on her cheeks to keep her there. "You are. Rachel…" Again, he pulled up her sleeves. This time, he moved them up into her line of sight. "These marks are just stories. Each and every one of them is something you survived. Some people may look at you differently for it, but no one that is worth having around will. All I see when I look at them is how strong you are, how amazing you are, and what a survivor you are."

"Really?"

"Absolutely Rach. I love you. You are the most amazing person inside and out. I'm going to keep telling you that. I'm going to tell you every single day until you believe it again."

"I don't know that I ever will."

"You will if I have anything to do with it. Babe, there's nothing wrong with you. We all feel down sometimes or insecure, you maybe more than some, but it doesn't change the reality. You are as effing close to perfect as there is."

Throwing all the doubt away, she just listened to his words, let them absorb. She wasn't going to lie and say she believed them completely, but he made her feel like they were a real possibility, like she could be all he believed her to be and so much more. So, she wrapped her arms around him and held him close, breaking away to kiss him. The kiss continued as she let her hands wander. He stopped her as she moved up his shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"Just keep kissing me Noah." He was in no position to argue. That was something he didn't know how to turn down from her. So he didn't. For a long while, they just made out before she started with more. She needed to be the initiator, and she was.

"Are you sure?" He panted. "We haven't done… this since… a while. We don't have to."

"Noah, I'm sure. I love you. And, you are the only one who makes me feel like this."

"Like what?"

"Like I make sense, like I am everything I dream of being… Like

He held her by the waist, nipping and kissing at her neck as he led her to the bedroom. It was intimate and sweet and he did exactly what he set out to do. He made her feel as beautiful as she truly was. He took the time to really see each and every scar, sure to acknowledge them with a slight caress or little kiss so she knew they were a part of her to love and accept rather than admonish.

Everything about it was exactly what she needed. She was loved and she felt good about herself. It wasn't the sex that did that for her, but knowing he still thought she was enough for him was beneficial. It was the intimate re-acquaintance with both herself and her body as well as her relationship with Noah. She got to feel him again, really feel him.

Time seemed to move quickly after that and, relatively smoothly. There were no major issues at the very least. Rachel got her second auditions and blew it out of the water. Modest, she was, but her family, friends, and classmates all witnessed her performance. It was, after all, Nationals. And they won. They won Nationals in Senior year nearly making up for Junior year's mishap of a failed performance. It was the best audition she could've hoped for.

Then it was just about waiting to hear back.

And that was torturous. It was a time filled with self-doubt and impatience with a little bit of attitude thrown in for good measure. She just wanted to figure out what the future held and move on from the past. She wanted to know what to look forward to and plan for so she could release her past.

Suddenly, that started happening. College acceptance letters were coming in. They celebrated each one too, and there were quite a few. But they were waiting for that one, the one that would make or break her.

A scream from upstairs had their hearts racing, immediately they feared the worst. Something happened to Rachel… As fast as they could, the sisters ran upstairs to find out what was wrong, hoping that their panic was obsolete and unwarranted, though history and current events seemed to point otherwise.

"Rachel?! Rachel are you ok?" They asked, short of breath as they made it to her room. She was just standing there, staring at a piece of paper in her hand.

"What is it? What's going on?"

With a smile on her face, a light in her eyes that was greater than they had ever seen, she said, "I did it! I got in." The family rejoiced together. "I'm going to NYADA!"

And they couldn't be happier for her. She had come such a long way, endured so much, and yet, there she stood, still fighting to make her mark in the world. Rachel Berry would be a household name one day. And they could happily say they were a part of that journey.

They helped get her through and she did the fighting. After all the work they did together to get to this point, it seemed like it was finally behind them. They were truly moving on. It was about more than being ok, it was about being happy. And, in that moment, they could say they were ecstatic.

By the end of the school year, it'd be good bye Ohio, hello New York.

Rachel was on to bigger and better things in life. The demons of the small town wouldn't leave her, but they wouldn't have to haunt her either.

She was moving on. She was moving up. She was stronger than her affliction.

**One chapter left… This one, as you can probably tell, and the last chapter are both kind of epilogue like. They cover a lot of time and ground in a short span of time. I hope you all enjoyed and that you'll check out the last chapter.**

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time… **

**Lazyb**** I do apologize for the delay. It is always my intention to be timely, but, sometimes and more often than I'd like, I tend not to be. But, fear not, there's only one chapter left and then there is no more worrying about updates. **

**carrebear14**** Thank you. I always love to hear that people have been through this story since the beginning or, at least, for a good chunk of time. So, I was happy to read this story followed you through a lot. I wanted this to be an honest representation of the disorder as much as it could be. It's a tough subject, but ignoring it doesn't make it less so. **

**CarolineSC**** I aim to bring out all the emotions. So glade the chapter evoked so many for you. I'm sad it's almost over too, but I've enjoyed the journey. Love me some Puck and Rachel and some good Santana moments. Sounds like I'm not alone with that. **

**Kikilia14**** Thanks. I'm glad you think both responses were understandable. They have two different relationships with Rachel so they'd naturally react differently to the same situation. Santana really does have her moments, doesn't she?**

**Guest**** 1) I'm so glad you've followed and loved this story from the start. It means a lot to me. Hope this one meets your expectations. 2) Glad you're still with me and thank you for still reading. **


	45. NYADA and Beyond: The Epilogue

_I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along. _

**I know author's notes suck and I write a lot of them, but I do hope you take the time to read this before the chapter as well as the one at the end after. This is the last chapter. It was my first fanfiction ever, my first shared piece of writing with strangers. Your support gave me the courage to write and write more. So I wanted to give a big thank you to each and every one of you whether you read from the beginning, picked up somewhere in the middle, or are just reading this for the first time now. I've grown a lot since this story started, and I learned a lot about myself and my own problems along the way. I hoped I maybe even helped some of you. Anyway, I don't want to get too sappy. I just want to say I appreciate you all so much. Al the reviews and follows, everything all meant so much to me. So thank you all for sticking by me and my writing. Here's the final chapter of Affliction. **

**Chapter 45: NYADA and Beyond: The Epilogue**

_Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter,_

_Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter…_

Year two of recovery, her first year of college, wasn't much better than the last. She was living in New York, chasing dreams she once thought she lost, and was on the verge of losing again. And all because of Olga Belcher. Ironic how such an ugly name could be adorned to such a stunning girl. Olga, or Belle as she was known around campus, was a star pupil. Just a sophomore and she had garnered more notoriety at the university than most of the seniors.

She was everything Rachel wanted to be and thought she could never have. Her Russian features and feet fit for a dancer, the height of an amazon and weight of a small child… She was the epitome of a dancer. And Rachel had the misfortune of being paired off with her. That just spelled trouble.

To make matters worse, she was alone in the big city. Sure, she had Kurt, who lived with her and was also attending NYADA, and Santana who was off trying to find her way in the concrete jungle bunking with one of them every night, but her family and Noah were back in Ohio.

Noah… She missed him. She fought the urge to call him every day, but she knew she couldn't. In a mutual decision, one made so he didn't hold her back from her dreams, giving her the free will and autonomy to live and do whatever, they parted ways.

_Don't bring around a cloud and rain on my parade…_

But, like always, her friends and family showed up in her time of need. She was slipping back down that dark path and they could all sense it. Her calls to home were scattered, her video chats were very few, and they could all see the changes.

And then, one day, Santana came to the rescue. It was nearing the first semester finals. All the freshman had to put on the winter showcase and Rachel was stressing. She was exercising without even trying. She was pushing herself beyond the breaking points at dance. Her weight was teetering back on unhealthy and declining. Things were not going great for her.

But she was so determined to pay it no mind. In her reality, nothing was happening. And that was what always did her in. Luckily, her support system was always there to catch her. Rachel had been avoiding most contact wither inner circle, opting instead to spend long hours in the studio working on this or that, just trying to be perfect. After a while, people started to get suspicious.

Santana, after the fourth night in a row, found Rachel's bedroom empty and free for her to use, started to get more than a little worried. At first, she wrote it off as her friend finally moving on from Noah. She had dates here and there, but nothing special, same with happened with Noah. (Fact was they were too bind to see that they just needed to put the distance out of mind and go for what they really wanted: each other. But they'd get to that too eventually.)

"Hey Kurt. You awake?" Santana crawled into his bed one morning.

"Go away! Go sleep in Rachel's bed. You're a blanket hog."

"Have you seen Rachel?"

"She's sleeping!"

"No she's not."

"Maybe she went to class."

"At 2 in the morning?"

"What?" He sat up in bed.

"Yeah, her bed's made and she's not here. It's been like that every night this week."

"Actually… I… I don't think I've seen her much this week either. Only once in class Monday. I've been busy with my showcase and hanging out with Cameron. Has she really not been home?"

"I don't think so. I haven't seen her either."

"Where could she be?" They were both terrified. Rachel did this every now and then. She'd get lost for a night to study for her practicums or to work on something, but she usually called or left a note. But there was nothing then.

"I don't know. I'm going to call her. She hasn't answered any of my texts." Santana pulled out her phone and dialed Rachel. "She's not answering. You try. We got into it the other day and she might just be mad at me."

"She's mad at me too though. I told her the guy she was seeing was a jerk and she lost it on me. I don't know if she'll answer."

"Just try." So he did, and he was right. She didn't answer. "Alright, look, maybe she is with that guy." Though they both knew that was unlikely, "so let's try to get some sleep and we'll look for her in the morning."

Sleep was hard, but they did try. Santana got up at 5 and still, no sign of Rachel. Sadly, she had a pretty good idea of where she was. Dressing in her winter gear, she weathered the snow to campus and maneuvered her way through the buildings. She found Rachel in the dance studio, a reserved sign on the door. Peeking into the window, she watched her dance. It was always nice to see her dance, especially now when the training really made her spectacular. But there was something so reminiscent in her steps that Santana felt a chill.

She knocked on the door and entered, not bothering for actual invitation. "What do you want?" Rachel snipped. Her temper had been short as of late. It wasn't hard to set her off. That should've been sign number one. Santana mentally added it to her list.

"I've been looking for you. Haven't seen you around lately."

"I've been busy." The girl had yet to stop moving, just barely catching Santana's eye in the mirror every few moves.

"I can see that." She could also see the seat marring on the younger's brow and the sweater, one she knew fit Rachel perfectly only a few week earlier, now hanging loose on her frame. "How long have you been here?"

"Not long." She lied.

"Can we talk?"

"We are talking."

"Fine." Apparently, that was the best she was going to get. "Your mom and aunt said you haven't been picking up their calls so they gave me a call last week. What's up with that?"

"I don't know what they're talking about. I talk to them all the time."

"Something going on?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Rachel," Santana got up off the ground to approach the dancing diva. "Stop prancing and come talk to me."

"That is not prancing!"

"Whatever. Come sit."

"I need to work on my showcase piece. It's next week."

"I know, but a short break's not going to kill you." It might save you.

_If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you _

_Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade_

"What are you doing here Santana? Really."

"I'm worried about you."

"Well don't be. I'm fine."

"Look at yourself Rachel. You're not fine. And you know it."

"I am." She had to be in order to best Belle.

"You can deny it all you want. But seeing you in here was all the confirmation I needed. You're not eating again. Maybe you're throwing up again too. I don't know. But this," she grabbed Rachel's hand and rolled up the same sleeve that moved while she was dancing. "This you can't deny. You cut yourself again."

"Mind your own business!" Rachel yelled and pulled away. "I'm fine!"

"You can pull away from me if you want. You can yell and push me away. Be mad. I don't care. But I made a promise. I promised I'd always be here for you and that I'd help you. We'd all help each other get through everything. Now you've helped me manage. I'm going to do that same for you. Remember that, ok?"

Santana went for the door when Rachel called out. "Santana?!"

"What?"

"What does that mean?" She didn't get an answer. The Latina just walked away.

As soon as she got out of the building she called someone who needed to be called. "Hey."

"Hi Santana. What's up?"

"Look, I know you were planning on showing up to surprise Rachel at her showcase, but do you think you could get here a little early. I want to talk to you and I'd rather do it in person. It's important."

"Yeah. Yeah, sure. You ok?"

"I don't know. Call me when you get here, alright?"

"I will."

He made sure to plan on the next flight he could manage. Puck knew that tone, it was the Rachel tone. More precisely, the "I'm worried about Rachel" tone. His pool cleaning business, which in the winter doubled as a snow cleanup business, was getting off the ground and with the snow falling outside he knew he couldn't leave for at least a few days, but that gave him a chance to go see Shelby and Casey.

When he got to her house, Beth was outside with her aunt. "Nono!"

"Hey Bethie!" He swept her into his arms. "Where's mama?"

"Inside." Casey answered as she walked up to them. "Hello Noah."

"Hey Casey. Umm… Can I go in?"

"Why don't you hang on a second and we'll go with you?"

"Yeah, ok. Probably best."

The three went inside. Casey immediately took Beth up to her room to change into something snow free and warm to put her down for her nap before fetching Shelby. Once the little girl was asleep, the women went to Puck. "Not that it's not nice to see you Noah, but what are you doing here? I imagine your work is pretty busy."

"It is."

"So what brought you by?"

"I was wondering if you heard from Rachel lately."

"Well… Not much. We know she has been busy rehearsing."

"Yeah…"

"What's going on?"

"I… I'm worried about her."

So were they. "Did she say something to you?"

"Not really… Look, you know we're not together now. I want her to be happy and she couldn't do that stuck here with me. But I care about her. Even if we hardly talk."

"What are you getting at?"

"She barely calls me. And I barely call her, just to catch up and check in every few weeks." That was what they needed to get by. "But last week, she called me out of the blue in the middle of the night. And then today I get a call from Santana that's freaking me out. So, I just want to know if you know something. Because even though we're not dating, we're still friends and I love your daughter."

"What did the message say?"

"What did Santana tell you?"

"We haven't been able to get much out of her."

He told them about Santana's call and his feeling that it had to do with Rachel. When they questioned why, he explained more about the call. "She left me a message and hasn't answered my calls since, but she just… she sounded so…"

"So what?"

"So, like her old self…"

They stilled. "Play the message."

He took out his phone and played the voicemail. "Hi Noah, it's Rachel." She sighed. "I hope it hasn't been so long that you forgot that…" Her words sounded heavy and marred, her voice raspy. "I… I miss you. I hope you know that. I'm… I don't know. I'm wondering if I made the wrong choice coming here. It's… It's a lot like high school on steroids. I'm not making any new friends and the guys… The guys suck. They don't treat you right… They're not you. I'm not sure where I belong or if I belong here. I don't feel good enough. I don't ever feel good enough. Everyone's so good and I'm just me. It's exhausting. It's all so exhausting… I don't know what I'm saying. I'm being stupid, I know. I… I'm sorry for calling. I love you… I mean… Just… Bye Noah."

The silence after that was only ended when Casey asked, "When did she send that?"

"Like a week ago. Tuesday morning. I've been trying to reach her ever since. She doesn't answer. I thought she might be avoiding me."

"I think she's avoiding everyone. Maybe… Maybe we should go to New York early Shelby. It's Monday. We were going to fly out Thursday anyway. We could move it up a little."

The three worked it all out. Unfortunately, the weather had different plans in store for them. A big storm trapped them all there until Friday morning when they took the only flight they could get out there. And not once in that time did Rachel pick up their calls, only fueling their anxiety.

In New York though, Santana and Kurt were on top of it. Kurt had to multitask with his own training schedule, but he managed to bombard her a few times. But Santana, she refused to even leave her friend's side. If Rachel refused to come home, she refused to stop showing up at the studio. Two or three times a day, she would show up with food and coax her into eating as she tried to inspect the girl for any new damage.

"Remember what you said to Kurt when he and Blaine broke up?" She said after seeing the cut all red and raw, probably infected.

"What did I say?"

"You said that nothing was worth being that upset over. Being in that kind of mood just isn't worth it, trust you. And he did and got over it faster because we cheered him up. Now you need to follow your own advice. Nothing, nothing is worth doing this over." She grabbed her hand like she had so many times before. "Nothing's worth feeling like that, especially some idiot who you think is better than you but definitely isn't. You don't always have to be the best Rachel, but you do always have to take care of yourself if you want to try to be. And right now, you can't do that. You're falling into the same hole again. I know it's been hard out here. It's been hard for me and Kurt too. We're all away from the people we love, but we've had each other and helped each other. You've helped us. Now, I don't know how long you've been doing this again, but it has to stop. Your family is coming in for the show tonight and you need your strength, so eat, and lean on us. Ok?"

"I'll try."

Shelby, Casey, and Puck made it into town just in time for the show. They went straight to the school after stopping off at the hotel to leave their bags and change. They didn't even get a chance to see her before anything began. In the end, they were glad they didn't. They were sure they would've freaked out and freaked her out if they did. "She's amazing."

"She's perfect." Puck responded.

"But she looks so…"

"I know. We need to have a talk with her."

Afterward, they congratulated her on a wonderful performance and took all the kids out for a meal. They were surprised to see Rachel eating, some gentle nudges from Santana, but no fights. They could tell that Rachel was having problems, but they could also see that she did have the support system they worried she'd be lacking without them.

Alone with Rachel, Shelby and Casey sat her down for a talk. "We're worried about you."

"I know… I uh… I haven't been myself the last few weeks. I've been stressed and handling it poorly. But, I promise I'm not going to let it get any worse. I'm not just saying that either. I know I shouldn't have… I fell into old patterns instead of listening to or leaning on someone. But I won't anymore."

"I'm happy to hear you say that. But… I'd like you to see the therapist we found for you here. I know you say you don't need to and you haven't been going to her."

"But I need to. And I will. I think that's a good idea."

"You do?" They were both surprised.

"Yes. Look. I know that this is wrong and, trust me, I don't want to live like that ever again. So yeah, I'll see her again. I know it can help. I'll call her on Monday and see if I can set up an appointment before I go to Ohio for the holidays."

"Wow… You're so…"

"So grown up. Such an amazing woman."

"I'm very proud of you."

"We both are. And I'm happy you acknowledge that this is something you need to do to keep yourself from falling again."

They did their hugging thing and the girl talk thing, and while the rest of their time together was spent relatively simply with some shopping and family time, they still kept an eye on her. They had to. Family worried.

Getting to see Puck felt so good though. When they laid eyes on each other, it felt like time could stop just for them, but they did nothing about it. He could only stay for a day and wanted to make the most of it. "Go for a walk with me?" He asked one evening.

"Sure."

He took her to a nearby park and sat with her on a bench. "Are you happy here?"

"I'm making my dreams come true."

"But are you happy?"

"Sometimes."

"And the rest of the time?"

"I'm trying to be. Are you happy in Ohio?"

"Sometimes."

"And the other times?"

"I'm trying to be." He mimicked.

"I miss you Noah."

"God babe, I miss you too."

"Then why…"

"Why what?"

"Why aren't we doing anything about that?"

"Because I want you to be happy and experience life. You can't do that tied down to me especially not when we're in separate states. Get out Rachel. Have some fun. But I will always love you. And know you can always turn to me. You don't have to leave me messages in the middle of the night and avoid my calls after. Talk to me. I want to talk to you."

"And you can."

"Good. I love you Rachel…" He shouldn't have said that. They weren't together anymore. "Look, I only have an hour before I have to get to the hotel and head for the airport, skate with me?"

"Ice skate?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

He took her mittened hand and they skated around the pretty empty rink holding hands the whole time. Both refused to call it a date, though that was what it was, because having it end would just break their hearts all over again. It was one though, and it ended like one. "I don't want you to go. I liked having you here."

"I don't want to go. I liked having me here too." They stood there, the cold air crystalizing their breaths and they held each other in a deep embrace. "I'm gonna miss you Rach."

Their eyes locked. "I'm going to miss you too." As if two magnets, their faces just fell together, their lips meeting in a passionate kiss.

Reluctantly pulling away, Puck, still looking into her eyes, said, "I love you. Promise me you'll take care of yourself and call me when you want to talk."

"I promise Noah… I love you too."

"Bye Rachel."

"Goodbye Noah…"

It was sad to see him go, sad to see those all go, but things got back to normal after that. She made and appointment with her therapist, which she kept, and later flew back to Ohio with the group for the holidays. She, again, ran into Puck while she was there and they reconnected in a different way, not leaving the room for two days straight, just talking and being together in any way possible.

It made saying goodbye even harder. But they did it, again.

There were still moments after that when Rachel felt like falling back on her crutch. The wounds all healed, but the scars were still there. No one was fool enough to believe it would never affect her, or any of them. Things would work on in the future. They were sure of it. There'd also definitely be a bunch of bumps along the way. That much was true too. But there were happy moments too, many of them for each and every one of them.

By the time graduation had rolled around, the kids, who were adults then, had established their names in their careers. Rachel already starred in a production of _Les Mis_ after taking over for the hurt lead, no longer relegated to understudy. It was her dream coming true. And, as promised, Shelby was right there in the audience. Her whole family was. Even Mr. Schue and a few old classmates she thought she'd never see again were there in support.

"I'm so incredibly proud of all you've overcome Rachel. You made it. I never doubted you would."

"Not for a second?"

"Not even one." Shelby and Casey enveloped her into a hug.

She thought that would be one of the happiest days in her life. And it was, but she could think of a few that could top it, like the day after. Noah came into town for the production. His band was starting up and had a gig that he invited her to as well. But first, they had a whole week together. And they didn't waste any of it. There were some group outings, but mostly, they just wanted a little Rachel and Noah time.

"I can't believe I've watched you on that stage very night and you're still so breathtaking up there."

"Thanks Noah."

Some would call it sudden, but anyone who knew them would say it was years in the making. It didn't matter that they were just burgeoning their twenties, Rachel still not legal to drink, but it was what they knew, in their heart and mind, was meant to be. They made each other feel whole and complete.

The phone calls home went better than expected. They agreed not to get married until they were completely sure. And, though they were sure very early on, they waited until Rachel turned 23, a star on Broadway and TV marrying an up and comer in the music arena who had a successful business already going for him. They were happily married that summer, in late June right in Ohio. Where, well, it was a place special to them. Right in the heart of the botanical garden in Roosevelt Park, they said their vows. It was a Jewish ceremony, both feeling a kinship with their roots. It was something that brought them together and made them meet as children at temple. So it was only fitting.

Santana and Kurt were in their wedding party. Shelby and Casey walked her down the aisle. That seemed only logical. They were her parents, one biologically, the other in every other way that counted. And Mark played a huge role too. It was a small and intimate ceremony with friends and family. It was beautiful and full of happy tears, congratulations, and hopes for grandchildren… Not just yet Ms. Puckerman, but don't think it won't happen… Who knew what would happen on the honeymoon, especially one spent curled up in a Tuscan villa.

_I'm gonna live and live NOW! _

_Get what I want, I know how! _

_One roll for the whole shebang! _

_One throw that bell will go clang, _

_Eye on the target and wham, _

_One shot, one gun shot and bam! _

_Hey, Mr. Arnstein, here I am ... _

_I'll march my band out, I will beat my drum, _

_And if I'm fanned out, your turn at bat, sir, _

_At least I didn't fake it, hat, sir, _

_I guess I didn't make it _

_Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" _

_I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer _

_Nobody, no, nobody, is gonna rain on my parade!_

Life was good most days. There were downs, of course, but they were often surrounded by unforgettable days. Like when she heard, "And the Tony goes to…. Rachel Berry!"

_An applause like never before echoed through the homes all across the nation as the star exited the stage, immediately greeted with hugs and love, pure adoration. Everyone was congratulating her, but there was only one person she wanted to see in order to give the second big win of the night, news she had been dying to tell him all night and was just waiting for the right time. _

"_Noah!" She finally yelled trying desperately to catch his attention. She had something to say. _

"_What?! What baby? Why aren't you letting me congratulate you? You performed at the Tony's! You just won your first Tony! I just learned my single is at number one! This night can't get any better!"_

"_Noah."_

"_And you were amazing. Did I already say how gorgeous you were up there?"_

"_Noah."_

"_And that speech. That speech was incredible. If I didn't know any better I would've thought you had that written out."_

"_Noah!"_

"_Rachel, what's going on? Why aren't you excited?"_

"_I am excited Noah! I'm so incredibly excited. I just married the man of my dreams. I just performed and won at the Tony's…" Her smile softened to a different kind of warmth. "And I get to tell my husband that we're having a baby."_

"_A baby?"_

"_I'm pregnant Noah."_

"_I love you Rachel!" He picked her up and twirled her around. Placing her back down, he dropped to his knees and put a hand on her stomach. "Hi baby. It's daddy. I love you so much already. I promise, I promise with all my heart," he took Rachel's hand in his other and squeezed. "I promise to always make you and your mother feel safe and loved. I will look after you both until the die I die. You will never feel the heartaches your mom and I have. Not if I can help it. If you're scared, we'll protect you. If you're happy, we'll laugh with you. If you're angry, we'll try not to overreact when you yell. What I'm trying to say is that… I'm the luckiest guy on earth. I have your mom, and now I have you. We're going to be one kickass family. It took a lot to get here, but we're here and I wouldn't change any of it." He stood, rubbing her belly for good measure, and then kissed his wife._

"_We love you too Noah. I can't wait to start this next chapter with you."_

"_There's no one else I'd rather do this with."_

"_We're having a baby! All my dreams are coming true Noah. I'm, so scared to be so happy."_

"_Don't be scared. I'm here with you, right by your side. Together we can get through anything."_

"_Anything."_

It wasn't happily ever after for them. Not really, because life wasn't a fairytale. But it was as close to that as real life could get. Their dreams would change and grow with them, but they would be happy, in their own right. Together they'd raise two great children, one boy and one girl. It was hard. Getting pregnant a second time was a challenge. The first baby, her son, she was told was a miracle. It was risky and complicated, but it happened, which was a good sign. That was what the doctor told them. Thankfully, he was born perfectly healthy. Conceiving again after had been troublesome. Between the past eating disorder and complicated pregnancy with her son, it took years for her daughter to come. It only happened when they gave up trying. She was their little blessing. And her kids truly saved her. She had someone else to live for after that, two someones who depended on her and her husband completely. While her problems still remained a part of her, they were nowhere near the forefront of her mind. They rarely popped up at all.

And if they did, Shelby, Casey, and Mark were still her biggest support system. They traveled to visit her all the time, stayed with her in her big house just on the cusps of the city where she chose to move her family to give them the best life, one like she didn't have growing up.

As they got older, Beth and Rachel formed a good relationship. With the age difference, it was hard, but Rachel was a good big sister, the person Beth knew she could always count on. Things got interesting when Beth asked about her niece and nephew being her siblings, but, like with every other problem, they got through it. They figured out what it meant and maneuvered on from there.

Kurt married a wonderful man, unfortunately it wasn't Blaine, but the ex did remain good friends with everyone. He and his husband met during production of a TV movie he and Rachel did. Together, they had one son. He, like Rachel, made it on Broadway. Though not quite as big a hit as her, he made a splash of his own on the Great White way. He picked up roles here and there but really focused on the company they started.

Yes, they. The group, who all lived in the same gated community, started a performing arts academy in the city. Rachel and Kurt manned the drama and music coaching in between their time on stage. Noah did guitar and music lessons. The girl students swooned over him and the boys envied him. He knew how to draw a crowd and that worked for them. Santana, well, she was the brains. She picked up some commercials and TV guest roles here and there, as did most of them, but her focus was on their business. She kept them afloat. And she was great at it, brilliant at PR and marketing, she was even everyone's publicist. She also loved working with her loves. Britany ran the dance department, taking them to win Nationals in competitive dance several times. Mostly, they just wanted kids who were so much like they used to be to have better, more fun, experiences than they had. And they accomplished that.

Speaking of, Britany and Santana made it through. They got married a few years after Rachel and Noah, had a child of their own via sperm donor too. Santana gave birth to her little angel, Selena, just before Rachel had her own little girl. Selena and Emmy were the best of friends and they were sure little S was going to marry the Puckerman boy, the Mohawk sporting gentleman by the name of Caleb who may have been a four years older than her, but was still a likely candidate. And Emmy, they were ready to marry E off to Patrick Hummel-Danson, Kurt's son.

They made it. They were successful in more ways than one and that wasn't counting their fame and careers. Ife was hard, but they made it better. If there was one thing the journey taught all of them, it was that they didn't need a happily ever after. They just needed to be happy. And they could do that. They got through some of life's hardest obstacles. They were all sure they could face whatever came next, as long as they stuck together.

No one knows what the future holds. But they'd all grace though it. Because, truly, any ending is just another beginning, and they were moving on to the next chapter, living life as best they could, trying to make each day better than the last. And it wasn't hard to do within their group. They were stuck together forever, an unbreakable bond, and they wouldn't have it any other way.

**THE END…**

_Lyrics (in random order taken sporadically) from Funny Girl's Don't Rain on my Parade. _

**So, this is officially the end. It's been a long ride, but a good one I hope. I'm going to take the time now to say that an eating disorder and self-harm are no joke. I don't take it lightly and none of you should either. It's a serious problem. It's also a scary one. So if you or someone you know is afflicted by it, don't be afraid to reach out for help or offer it to someone. There's no shame in that. It's a battle, but it's not one that needs to be lost. The statistics are overwhelming and growing each day. But we can put an end to it. We can be the difference we seek. Don't suffer alone or turn a blind eye. There's light at the end of the tunnel, a happiness we can all each if we work toward it. **

**Every story is different. They will all take different paths. And something like this, when it happens to us, doesn't leave. It becomes part of us, but it doesn't have to define us. We are not our afflictions. But we are our own advocates. **

**Thank you all so much for reading. It's been an incredible journey I'm both sad and excited to see end. I've finally completed a big project I set out to do. It's a bit bittersweet. I hope you all enjoyed the ride and thank you for coming along with me. **

**I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the story. Thanks again all who reviewed, followed, favorited, or just read. **

**Layla**** Thank you so much. I'm sad it's ending too, but it has been a long time coming, don't you think? Thanks for reading along and reviewing. **

**Christine**** Thank you for reading. I'm so happy to hear you found it realistic. The glee world can be so unrealistic at times, but this was a topic I wanted to do justice. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing.**

**CarolineSC**** Thank you. You've been a pretty consistent reviewer/reader, so thank you for coming along this crazy ride with me. All the comments were very appreciated. **

**Kikilia14**** Setting up for a conclusion was what that chapter was really all about. It was a lot to get through in one chapter, but it's always fun to have nice guy Puck in there. He does have it in him. It's just hidden under the Mohawk. Thanks for reading and reviewing. **

**Guest**** 1) I've updated and finished the story! Yay! Sorry it took so long, but thanks for the review. 2) Thank you so much. It honestly means a lot to know people liked my story and found it realistic. Hope you enjoyed the last chapter. **


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